Hello. I'm writing here so I can share my heart openly and fairly anonymously. Nothing new really.
My heart is heavy today. I feel like I need to cry. How do I explain how I feel? I have such a wonderful blessed life, and I do not take that for granted. I am thankful for all of my blessings. My life really is a beautiful life. My career is flowing along wonderfully. I am successful in everything I set out to achieve. I have the sweetest son, great friends and family, good health... really everything is great.
But still all of that does not or has not stopped this sad feeling I have over James. I try not to think about it much but it's hard not to. So I have this really sweet affectionate man in my life. He adores me. I love him; I really do. I care about him dearly. We see each other every day. He thinks I am an angel. Seriously- I don't think I could do a thing wrong in this man's eyes. He is SO so good to me. I am thankful to have him in my life. He's been a blessing.
The difficult part is he is not the exact person I wanted. I wanted James. I met James. I fell in love with James. I was totally in love with James, in the middle of the strong beginning of a love relationship with him, real genuine healthy love, and I DID NOT UNDERSTAND MY ENERGY. All I knew was I loved him and that scared me. I was scared to lose him because that was my fear. And I did not know "manifestation" was real. I did not know back then to focus only on enjoying James and being thankful for him. There was so much I didn't know. And it hurts now. It hurts so much because I never wanted to be apart from James. He was very good to me. I only had a short time with him so there is no comparison but the time we DID share together was wonderful. I know my memories are real. I remember James, and he was so very sweet to me. I wanted that relationship to flourish. I wanted him to be my husband! I wanted the "Sushi on the beach" wedding. I wanted to have him as my husband.
I can't talk marriage with Dave. I cannot bring myself to do it. We make plans for trips together. We speak of the future, like the things we are going to do, but he knows I can't talk about marrying him and he tells me he is okay with that. He says if a day comes where that changes then he'd be happy but for now he's also happy with the way things are. He knows, and this may sound harsh to anyone reading this, but he knows the only other man I would ever want to talk to is James.
I am feeling weepy and sad today. I miss James so much. Sometimes it is easier than others. No one can understand (unless they have experienced it) how it feels to be deeply in love with a person, in a giddy happy exciting loving amazing committed relationship and then suddenly that person is gone. It hurts. A lot. Even five years later.
It's challenging to find the right words to explain how I feel. Being thankful for having David in my life even if he is not James. But what do you do when you love someone, hope for that person, even have that person tell you that he does love you, but then... continued separation and no contact? I was choosing to stay single. Then Dave just kinda fell into my life and me into his, and here we are. And yes we are happy together. I have a ton of fun with him and I care about him. I love David. I can't justify not sharing my life right now happily with David because I love someone who I have not seen or had a "real" conversation with in a long time.
If I was alone I know I'd be pretty sad, lonely and miserable- five years into this twin soul journey. So seeing as I was (for whatever reason) unable to "bring James back to me" I do feel very blessed and lucky that I had someone as wonderful, kind, sweet, caring and loving as David come into my life. Maybe not everyone is blessed enough to meet two genuinely good men and because I have done so I am thankful. I still love and miss James though. It's out of my control; I can't control my heart. It's been ten months now since I met Dave and I still feel the same way I did when I met him. I love and miss James as much now as I did then. Sharing love with another man has done NOTHING to ease the ache in my heart or slow how much I love James.
What sharing love with another good man has done is add joy and happiness to my life, and that is a wonderful blessing. But I hope anyone reading this can understand this- I experience many different emotions at one time. I feel happiness, gratitude, enjoyment, heartaches and sadness all at the same time. And I have to ALLOW myself to feel all of those emotions. None of them are "bad" emotions. If I try to block out the sadness then days later it assaults me. If I don't allow myself to fully appreciate, enjoy and embrace the love I have in my life right now then I get edgy and I feel... frustrated.
I am always working on a balance. How to enjoy my life right now while honoring my heart. In my heart me and James did not end. He may have been gone but our love exists. That is how I feel. I was never told different. One of the last things James told me was he did love me and had loved me all along, that I was right. And I knew I was right. I knew James truly did love me.
In the past I think I "ran" from time to time. There were times when I thought about meeting someone else mainly to "distract" or yeah, I guess kind of "run away" from the twin soul thing. At those times I always felt like I was shown to NOT run, not be with anyone else. So it was odd when I met Dave because I swear I was in this mindset of staying alone. I wanted James and only James. I was feeling more alive and well, ready to enjoy my life, so I was getting out and doing things but I told anyone who approached me that I was not interested in a relationship because "I was in love with someone else." I came to a place where I did not care how odd that sounded. It was my choice, honoring my heart. I told David the same thing! I told him I could not be in a relationship with anyone else because I loved this other man, and I felt that if this man ever did come back I'd want to be with him so how could I be with anyone else? I had to be honest. I learned in this twin soul experience that honesty is always best, necessary actually. So I do my best to be as honest as I can be. Dave said he understood but asked me to let him "love me anyway." Knowing that I still love James, knowing that I still hold this hope that one day I'll be able to see him again. I truly feel David is an angel in human form, brought to me when I needed a soul mate to help me find my joy again. AND (I meant to make a point here so let me connect my thoughts) I DO NOT feel like I am "running" from anything in loving Dave and sharing life and love with him. I did not really CHOOSE this. It just came to me- I still can't fully explain it.
I gotta be honest. I still drink more than I should. I'm not thrilled with it. I don't get "drunk." I really try to have moderation- but I tend to want a drink or two to take the edge off how much I miss James. It is always there. No matter how happy and fun my life is, how much Dave totally adores me and showers me with love and affection, no matter all of my blessings- no matter that I TRULY am grateful for all of the goodness in my life I still miss this man I love.
I don't know what to do, actually. I don't know what to tell you. I tell God all of this, all of my gratitude for the overflowing blessings in my life, love, joy, peace, abundance- all of it. I have the best friends and family anyone could ask for. I always have good money. My life is carefree and blessings always come to me. I tell God thank you. And I enjoy my life while also reminding God that I can't help but love James and miss him and I still feel like he should be a loving caring part of my life. I know I am free to enjoy my life how it is right this moment, and I do. But at the same time I still hold on to the love I have for James, our good memories, our love, and the hope that one day James and I will be together. I can't help that I still love him and miss him. Or that I remember him, and I do. I remember meeting him, talking with him, getting to know him, laughing with him, feeling so giddy in love. We could not keep our hands off each other. I looked forward to every single moment with him, every word exchanged, every touch, every kiss. One thing I will always hold dear about James is how he waited for me, patiently. His long sweet patient tender kisses, him touching my face as he brought me to him for a smiley kiss. How he went out of his way to come visit me knowing that we were going to sit on my couch and talk and kiss, but only talk and kiss. I still love how he was so respectful of me and my need to wait a bit before making love, unspokenly he sweetly and gently would kiss me and hug me and be close, kissy and good, talking and giggling but never asking for more, and that was just so special. He gave me that gift and I will always cherish that about him.
It was really REALLY hard for me to make love with anyone besides James. Being with Dave was not a decision I made lightly. It was (luckily) not some drunken lustful silly choice. I knew David was hurting over the loss of his wife. I knew she had been very ill for a while before she passed away. He's genuinely a sweet gentle guy with a soft heart and I did care for him. I told myself if he would going to make the huge choice to be with someone else after his wife then it should be me instead of someone who could hurt him or make him totally regret taking that step. It was unexpected and bittersweet for both of us. But it was (and is) also very clear genuine love that comes from a good place and I feel good about that. I feel good because I told myself I'd never be with anyone "less" after being with an angel, and I felt James was an angel. A man who totally waited for me, who respected me, who was patient and kind- 110% patient and kind. A real bright genuine healthy good love. I refused to ever "dishonor" our love or my beautiful experience with him, him reminding me how worthy I am. It's sweet but different with Dave. Sometimes I feel like I am in his life to help heal his heart, and his heart hurts bad. Love is healing, and I do love him. But it was not an easy choice to be intimate with someone who is not James. I still remember him, and I can't say I don't think about kissing him or hugging him. I love two different men, and really in two different ways. With David I feel he is more my friend than my lover. With James he was my everything- friend, lover, and who I wanted to marry. I am thankful for both of them though. I just still miss James and I don't think that would ever go away unless he was actually back here with me, in my life, and I did not have to miss him any longer.
It is time to drive home and have a good cry. They say tears are memories that well up and escape from our eyes for people we miss. That is the only reason why I cry, because I really miss someone I love.
XxOo
Jennifer
