tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14844083689432138332024-03-23T05:00:57.777-07:00Twin Souls: Silence Is GoldenRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.comBlogger582125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-28493904816462098422023-02-10T18:23:00.001-08:002023-02-10T18:23:06.531-08:00It's 2023...
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA59zZLVdWf4Dnh3-UJPtoMz9TphDtM1LJzhGAkE2Voop1nrDd5KuP_5LESNYnccnogyAXp_kNP-bHYbgob_PDlln0NGFlM6tON30FaJdpcGmNyLgGoactKYDw2ZN6u4jPOCSXmv9tU_Sldk9NupQjRAmPVpQxkWjaq1BSJNnDMaf2Nwutnc4nyWJH/s1141/Hands.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" width="400" data-original-height="841" data-original-width="1141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA59zZLVdWf4Dnh3-UJPtoMz9TphDtM1LJzhGAkE2Voop1nrDd5KuP_5LESNYnccnogyAXp_kNP-bHYbgob_PDlln0NGFlM6tON30FaJdpcGmNyLgGoactKYDw2ZN6u4jPOCSXmv9tU_Sldk9NupQjRAmPVpQxkWjaq1BSJNnDMaf2Nwutnc4nyWJH/s400/Hands.jpg"/></a></div>
Well, hello. It's been a while, I know. I don't know if anyone will even see this! But I've been wanting to write here and update for a while. To anyone who may read this I hope you are all doing well.
It's been almost ten years since I met James. I still think about him every day. I was at work not long ago and I must have emailed myself something many years ago. I was still actively channeling then and it blew my mind! My words from about seven years ago brought it all back, my earnest love and yearning. The twin soul experience. The way I manifested and he mirrored to me. Allllll of my writing. My tears. My deep vicious pain. My healing. Life is so SO so very different for me now. I think the biggest change is (and I've only mentioned this a million times on this blog) I now realize, and live my life knowing, that I'm a very strong manifestor so I have to be very careful where I put my energy. I live this daily. In order to have a happy life I really have to watch what I allow myself to focus on. Sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes I just want to be a negative bitch! I want to commiserate about bullshit and the stuff that annoys me... but 99% of the time I am strong enough to veer away from that because I know I bring to me more of what I focus on, and who wants more bullshit in her life?
James is the one who showed me I am a strong manifestor. But I wanted to come on here and make a few things clear for anyone who might come across this and wonder, "I wonder what she is doing now? Did she reach "union" with her twin?" Some people, after they've been in this for some years, will say that the only reason they met their twin was to heal. I do not agree. Until my dying day I will scream from the mountain tops that I LOVED and still love that man. It was love. I think I completely see what happened. I had very strong energy, and much of it was fear energy. I had a fear of being deserted, left behind, forgotton, not important enough to be memorable. Easily let go, moved on from, replaced. I believed I was fun and interesting... but eventually something better would come along and any man would be able to move on from me. I did not feel important. I did not love myself. So when I met a man who I absolutely ADORED soon that love would give way to debilitating FEAR. Even when I was able to keep that fear to myself and behave "normal" or even... come off as a strong, kind, loving good person- very likeable I would think- inside I was absolutely dying, fighting with my fears, begging God to "please not let him leave me..." I was mired in fear on the inside. Worry and doubt ruled my thinking... and then, being a strong manifestor, those fears would "turn into reality" in some way or another. And that is what happened with James.
It would be interesting to sit down with James and have a completely honest and transparent conversation about what happened, on his end, ten years ago. Like what did it feel like? I'd like to explain to him my side (not "my side" like I'm defending myself but I wish I could tell him what my experience was while we were apart but still in communication at times.) I wish I could be with him, as much time as we needed in a quietish place to sit and talk like two normal human beings. And be honest. Because what I experienced was NOT normal, not "of this earth," and I wish I could share it with him. I KNOW I must have appeared absolutely fucking bonkers much of the time. I was, in a sense, losing my "mind." It's so odd to look back because I knew what was happening. Technically I knew he was mirroring me. But when the hurt would arise, the anger would come, and the grief, and I would start thinking "bad" things and then the silence would continue, or the odd messages would arise, and I could not get out of that vicious circle.
I hate that.
It's been over six years since we've been in contact with each other. The very last thing he told me was he acknowledged that he did love me, always had, and he wanted to be with me. I heard his voice because it was on the phone, totally unexpectedly, and I can still remember how sad he sounded. Looking back it's really quite sad. I'd bet my life that he did miss me, and he wanted to be with me, but I was keeping him from me with my super strong energy. Twin soul experiences are no joke.
Twin soul, twin flame... I am not sure if those exist (yes, go ahead and throw something big and hard at me, hurtle away!) But seriously the label means nothing. He was my strongest soul connection. He's the one I felt such magical love for that I walked through Hell to try and get back with him. He was the only one special enough to acutally help heal me. I loved him SO much that despite how scary the twin soul experience was (it can be super painful when you are creating your worst monster through your twin soul) and how hard he had to mirror my anger and fear back to me I kept plugging along because I. LOVED. HIM. I knew he was my mirror. I knew what my guidance, my higher self, used to tell me- that he had a job to do for me, to heal me. To show me myself, and he would stop at nothing to do so. And my job was to love him through it, no matter what. To remember who he truly way, the sweet kind gentle loving man I met and dated and fell deeply in love with. The man who always called me, always text, always the cutest sweetest words. Who had no trouble with commitment and wanted to be my boyfriend. Who waited patiently and respectfully for me to be ready to be physical. Who brought me little gifts and who was kind to my young son. Who accepted me for who I am. Who loved me. I know he loved me, and I know that did not change.
So now. After four years I did start to heal. I began literally forcing myself to be very very careful what I manifested. I became a "believer" and even when I felt shitty or angry I pushed it to the side and began affirming goodness and love, and my life began changing for the better. See, I had a HUGE anger problem to overcome. I used to have huge amounts of anger inside of me. I didn't often show that anger in the "real world" but I would vent it into my journal, or sometimes out loud when by myself. Pure rage. I hated spirit. I hated this twin soul journey. I hated being separated from the person I loved. I could go on and on. I finally came to realize all of those huge anger outbursts were being mirrored back to me in certain ways, and sometimes through James' interactions with me. It became SO obvious that I had to OVERCOME it. We use the word "heal" but for me, let me make this very clear, I forced myself to overlook the anger and replace it with something else. Because I knew the HELL my anger would create for myself. I chose differently. I avoided that anger. I did not allow myself to indulge in it. And slowly but surely it began to dissipate. I still have a snarky personality. I have to really be careful online because it's so easy to get sucked into drama, and drama is not good energy for me. If I let myself get embroiled in something stupid online then I can easily brew up something shitty in my life. I have to avoid it. I have to avoid anger, frustration, etc. I understand LIFE is life and we all get angry, irritated, frustrated- God knows I do! I feel it then let it go. I don't let myself wallow in it or let it fester. I can't if I want to be happy. Because I manifest into my reality situations, people, experiences- that match what I am focusing on. When I feel big emotions and energy over something then it is bound to come back to me. So I work hard to keep my energy focused on the good stuff.
James. I think about him every day. I am married now, and I don't feel guilty for still loving James. I still wish I could meet him again. I have a dream that one day he will just reach out to me, out of the blue like he used to, and say hello. Like nothing ever happened. And we'd plan to meet and talk, and we'd talk and hug. My husband knows this. I refuse to feel badly about my love for James. I've been honest since the day Dave showed me he was interested in me. He knew being with me, marrying me, was contingent on the fact that I also loved James (no matter how long it had been) and in my silly little heart I felt that one day, some day, I would see him again, and I'd never let that wish go. My husband agreed to that. My husband is genuinely one of the sweetest kindest people you could ever meet, and he loves me dearly. I love him too and I am eternally grateful for him. It's just different. Loving Dave and marrying him doesn't replace how I feel, what I went through, or the fact that there never was an "ending" to me and James.
When I met Dave it had been four years of separtation and being alone except for my son. I was feeling better, stronger, but the journey was really wearing me down. Over those four years I was a HUGE hermit. I would stay home and journal for hours, working out my shit. That's how I worked it out- I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. Kajillions of words. THAT is what showed me most that I was a manifestor. I'd write in my journal, "I'd love for him to come home and go for a walk, holding my hand." And an hour later I'd get an email from James saying, "I can't wait to come home and see you again. Will you go for a walk with me, and can I hold your hand?" When those things first happened I thought I was losing my mind! But they happened over and over and over until I saw that anything and everyting I was thinking about him would or could be shown back to me from him, no matter how deeply inside I was feeling it. Talk about having to totally gut yourself. You don't have any idea the terror that comes with being shown your own rage, fears and doubts through being mirrored by your twin soul. For me it was almost like I was forced to "clear myself out" or else I may have went crazy or hurt myself or worse. Luckily I saw it clearly and was stubborn enough in my love for James to see past that mirroring, fight through my fear. I was bound and deterimed to MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Until... I just couldn't do it anymore. When I began clearning out the crap, and he no longer had to mirror that to me, it got strangely silent. And I had a very difficult time with no contact for months and months. It wore me down. I'd try to "manifest" hearing from him (because seriously that was the only way I could receive contact from him once we were in "separation) and when months would go by I finally could not handle it anymore. Writing started slowing down. I felt better and was ready to LIVE again. I wasn't dating. I was like militantly holding out for James! But I was going out, having fun, singing karaoke (which I love!) Meeting people. I was meeting wonderful people because, get this, I was changing what I focused on. I was being positive, affirming goodness... and goodness was coming to me. But James was not. And then I met Dave which was the very last thing I expected to happen. Dave just happened, ha. I met Dave and then we barely spent one day apart. It was very challenging at first. I felt like I was doing something "wrong" in dating Dave and putting my energy towards Dave instead of... affirming night and day that James was a great person and we would be together again. I didn't write those things like I used to. I kind of fizzled out when I started to LIVE again. And spirit was kind enough to show me in various ways that this new love with Dave was fine and good. And I've come to understand that love is love is love and it is okay to love more than one person, even in a "romantic" sense. With me I feel fortunate because I was able to be honest with Dave about how I feel, about my journey. Dave tells me I am "powerful." He knows I manifest (we all do, so does he.) We are not religious but we are good people, and we practice manifestation kind of as our "religion." My son knows my beliefs, and we work together to affirm our days. I have a very happy life. My life is blessed in seriously every way. I have a great job, partially working from home, I got a raise for literally no reason of mine, and goodness literally just "falls out of the sky" for me which I am grateful for. THIS IS WHY I FOCUS LIKE I DO. Because of the return on investment!
All that said, I still think about James, and I still miss him. Sometimes more than others. Often just a wee bit. But not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I get reminders. I dream of him, and when I do it's like I was just with him. I can see his smile and hear his voice. It is so weird. But I have to ask myself... if it all boils down to manifestation, and I don't put the energy in, will I ever hear from him or see him again? I tend to just live my life. I don't journal like I used to. But sometimes I want to pick up my pen and remind myself of the man I met on my 40th birthday and had the absolute greatest first date EVER walking in the park. He asked me, and honest to God I can still see us in my mind walking along together and he looked at me and asked if could hold my hand and then he grabbed my hand and we walked along together like two teenagers. Full moon, blue moon. And we were swinging on the swings, and talking. Talking all evening.
It would have been so simple. Had I met James knowing what I know now we'd be married and have at least one child. Because I would have only manifested strenghtening our relationship. No fears. But... that didn't happen, and I can't regret it. I had to be cleared of my fears and anger. I had to learn how to love myself, truly. Because you won't manifest entirely good stuff if you think badly of yourself because- you bring to you what you believe. So if you feel you are unworthy then you will get proof of that in your every day life. But turn that around and love yourself, think you are a good person, a person worthy of love and wonderfulness, and then those things will come to you. Now I love myself. A LOT. God damn I've been through more than anyone, ANYONE, will ever understand unless I was to write a book about it one day. I've come close to death, and I've seen what Hell is. For that reason I adore myself, especially for everything I've been through.
I want to tell those of you who may be in the middle of a twin soul experience, a separation of some kind, just because I am not with James now does not mean you can't make it with your twin soul/twin flame. But what that will take is you working SO SO SO hard on changing how you think. I KNOW I am 100000% right that the one who goes silent, who moves away or whatever, is NOT "the runner." They are the mirror. A "runner" if what I would have been if, during the middle of all the scary mirroring, I would have "ran off" and avoided him altogether. Had I ran off and gotten together with someone else two years into it (before I saw things clearly and started changing for the better, before he'd done his job for me like he was supposed to) then I would have been "the runner," running away from the connection. You have to look past the mirroring and focus only on their goodness which is truth. Anything less is you being mirrored, them acting as your mirror. I don't mean to sound like a hypocrite but hear me out- I had HUGE fear. I have super strong energy. So when James was acting as my mirror it was brutal (no fault of his own.) I created so much distance between us that I was not able to climb out of that. I think in the end, back five years ago when I met Dave, it would have ended up detrimental to my health for me to keep trying, and keep trying, and not moving on with my life. I've never ever "let go" but I did have to move on. I was shown that... I never intended to meet Dave. I believe fully that was somehow "planned" for me. But for others who do not have the same energy as I do, who maybe have not dug that energetic hole (and distance) as much as I did... you have hope!
I truly believe you CAN reunite with your twin. I believe it IS about the love. I believe twin souls are meant to be together, are good together... but shit they mirror you so you have to be in a good place. You cannot think anything bad about them, or doubt them, because they will only show you what you think about them. If you do not have totally unconditional pure love for your twin soul, where you know they are doing a job for you on a spiritual level (even though they just seem like a normal Joe Schmoe sometimes even clueless human being) and you do not judge them badly in any way- then you will not reunite. But if you clear yourself out, and you stop creating distance, and you manifest goodness consistently- then I truly feel that you can be back with your twin soul. So don't despair! I'd like to make one clarification here though- I do NOT support people who randomly throw around the term "twin soul" to excuse and tolerate being abused. You must be spiritually mature enough to know the difference. Twin souls stay distant FOR A REASON. It's part of the process, healing from afar. If there is someone in your life, continuing to be there, close to you but abusing you then that is just a jackass you need to love yourself enough to get away from, not a twin soul. If there is strong twin soul mirroring going on then believe me there is also silence and often (like in my case) some kind of distance.
Lately I feel like "trying" again. I have things I wonder. Like... has that ship sailed now? Or if I started putting my focus on him in my heart, good thoughts, loving thoughts, remembering goodness... could I one day hear from him again? Is it possible? I don't have all the answers, but often I do want to try. To see him and know the man I first met would mean just so much to me. We never ended, and in my heart we never will. Anyone else would think I am silly but I tell myself we still love each other, and if we were to meet again the same energy would be there between us: endearing, precious, loving, special, cosmic... and that's okay.
If you're at the stage where you are still in touch with your twin soul, think about this post. If you want them with you then you have to energetically work hard to love only. And believe the journey because it is not of this world.
Hugs,
JenRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-10143243312179444942021-10-22T14:00:00.008-07:002021-10-22T14:08:04.403-07:00Love<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz8sv2wv1NlMtkDldGxKWBKfb76vL2t20OA1mXcWmYqRZpw9QP_ZeaPk_snFW8eHoDxYuT8OcHzyGdR3CZT3aWpg7sLOTLiYa2QhsBpnhDzg63_5UWweiy4bJZ5IRd9gqa3fQt-jlEb8A/s366/J1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="366" data-original-width="316" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz8sv2wv1NlMtkDldGxKWBKfb76vL2t20OA1mXcWmYqRZpw9QP_ZeaPk_snFW8eHoDxYuT8OcHzyGdR3CZT3aWpg7sLOTLiYa2QhsBpnhDzg63_5UWweiy4bJZ5IRd9gqa3fQt-jlEb8A/s320/J1.jpg" width="276" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I remember when I spent my last evening with James as his girlfriend before he left, back when he was leaving for a new job and we were going to be dating long distance. It was a beautiful and sweet evening. As he was leaving he hugged and kissed me, told me he loved me and he said, "This isn't goodbye. It's until we see each other again."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Years later I did see him again, once. We did say bye that night, and he told me he loved me. Lots and lots of time and space have passed now but *still* I realize how majorly special, odd and unreal the entire experience with James has been. I still say "has been" because I will NEVER give up on hoping I will be able to meet him again. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Someone left me a message asking me if I am married. Yes, I am now married. I got married in June. I've already mentioned here that my husband is a very sweet, dear, kind and loving man, and he knows about James and accepts how I feel. Still it was a really difficult decision to get married. I know how stupid I sound but I had to state to him one night soon before we got married, "You know I still love James, right? Even though he isn't here, even though I know it sounds like a fantasy or fairy tale or nothing real, I still love him and I'll always wish and hope to see him again, and I can't guarantee if that miracle were to happen that I would not still love him even if I am married to you." He said he still understands. And that's that. Dave is a lovely soul. I'm absolutely blessed to be married to him. I do love him dearly. I've expressed many times that it's a different love, a different feeling, than when I was with James and... well, what can I say? Dave is my dear friend, my love, my buddy, my "partner in crime" as we call each other. We get along very well. Seriously we have a great relationship. My son adores him. Dave's like an angel in our lives. THIS is why I do realize that if a person ends up in what totally feels to be and appears to be a "twin flame" connection- you really can love someone else.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Too. I think that's the kicker. I love James, and I always will. I know I'll remember him for the rest of my life. Of course with the passing of time comes the tempering of emotion, especially of longing and sadness. Honestly I don't think I could have lived much longer with the intense ACHING I had to... love him again in person. And I do not mean sex. I mean- I just longed to see his beautiful face and hear his laugh and hold his hand and be his friend and to KNOW him again. And that longing and aching HURT so so so much! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I read a quote a long time ago, and it might be somewhere here on my blog, that the sad longing a person feels for someone who is no longer with them is just love that is intended for one person but cannot be given to them. For a few years that love would gather up inside of me until I was overwhelmed and would release it either as bouts of intense crying or sometimes the ache hurt so badly that I would get angry. I got tired of "hurting" from loving someone so much. It taught me a huge lesson though, one I try to keep in mind today. Let me explain, and I wish that anyone going through this would understand something important.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">JUST LOVE THEM. Allow yourself to MISS them. Have no worries that "missing them will manifest the absence of them." That is SUCH bullshit! Ignore 99.9% of the spiritual "rules" every got damn money hungry snake oil salesman "Twin Flame Expert" will try to impart on you. Here it is plain and simple" JUST LOVE YOUR TWIN SOUL. LOVE. Even if it hurts. Even if you cry a lot. Even if you feel miserable and want to eat ice cream alone like a hermit for weeks. Avoid anger and fear. Do not think about "but he's the runner." JUST LOVE. And when you love someone who isn't with you, who you want to talk to, someone you long to lay eyes on, to see their beautiful face and winning smile and sweet soft voice... when you dearly miss someone who you became good friends with, who your heart made a lifelong connection with even if it only took one night to do so- HONOR THAT CONNECION. Don't let anyone try and make you feel badly for that love! Somehow a new "spiritual" movement came about with the energy of love=weakness and that shit IS. NOT. TRUTH.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">If I could go back to five years ago, before I met my husband, I would not be afraid that missing James was "wrong" somehow. I spent a lot of energy trying to harden myself and then I would get angry. It was when I allowed myself to just desperately love him and miss him and ache for him that I healed the most. I remember those moments, crying so deeply because I loved this man with my entire heart. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I promise I know what I am talking about. Had I just let myself love him, focused on that love, reveled in it, wrote about it and focused on why I loved him so much, brought his memories close, cherished them, compounded on them... then maybe we would have ended up back together because, and here is the kicker, twin flame/twin soul connections and all about manifestation. And I will go to my grave knowing that whoever is "left behind" on the receiving end of the silence is the manifestOR. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I did not get there. I tried. My energy was too intense, and my fears created a lot of crap that I could not "let go of" and I just did not get what I wanted back then which was to be back together with James. Now I share my life with a wonderful man who is dear to me. I will not lie. I will not say, "He is the love of my life." I am honest to my heart. I love him. He is absolutely precious to me. I make it a point to protect him and remind myself daily to only treat him well and with kindness because he is an angel sent to me to help me heal my tattered, war-wounded heart after going through an intense soul experience for years. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'll always love James. Sometimes I feel badly for him because he got mixed up with my fucked up ass when he met me. I can't believe how afraid of love I was back then. I was SO afraid that I wasn't worthy enough to be loved for "the long haul." That I was sooooo easy to let go of and forget. And James had to heal me of those lies, and it was not easy and I will always love him for helping me to know my worth. This is why I know in my heart that no matter what transpired between us he loved me and he wanted to stay with me. I just know it- I'd bet my life on that. Now I realize that I am worthy and valuable and memorable and when someone falls in love with me they fall hard and want to hold on. I still wish I would have realized that eight years ago but... James helped me to finally know my truth. I do love him for that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Oh, man I still hope that one day I'll be able to sit down with him again and talk. Smile, laugh, and I know I'll still love him very much. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Funny, I still get signs. Recently Dave, my son and I were at breakfast and out of nowhere my son said, "Doesn't James like this?" Something we were eating, and oddly nothing we ever spoke of. But my son, he was SO pointed in how he said it. He looked right at me and said, "I thought I remember you said he liked this." It was a bit awkward, there was that long silent pause, but I was thinking- there it is, another reminder. And not long ago we were talking about my son's favorite subject, Science. He said something about James. And he said, "James is a really nice guy." And I wanted to weep because yes, yes he IS a wonderful and sweet person and GOT DAMN please realize that fears and doubts will majorly fuck up a twin soul connection. Ya gotta know truth, and truth is always goodness and love.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'll hold on to those memories forever, no matter if they transpired over a short amount of time. He treated me dearly, with such patience and respect (especially for my body and my consent.) He looked at me like I was... a goddess, and he told me so. He was literally perfection when I knew him, everything I had ever asked for. My dream come true, and I'll never forget that. I miss him dearly. Now I miss my friend. We spend a long time talking and sharing and becoming friends before we became lovers and honestly all of those long deep conversations and emails and texts stick out in my mind so so so much more than being physical. We didn't have a lot of time for that. It was sweet and good but we spent more time kissing and laughing and talking and holding hands and writing to each other than making love- so those are the things I miss. I just missing talking to my friend. I do. So yes, I still wish that I'll hear from him one day soon and can know him again. I would love to have James be a special part of my life. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'll wrap up by saying that LOVE is the best energy, and I have to remind myself of that all the time due to life's challenges. Whether I love my son, or my husband and this man I remember with such warm fondness, who I hold close to my heart, it's all good because LOVE is best. If we feel love then we are all good. Never ever worry about loving too much. Love is strength and goodness. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Take care xxoo</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Jen </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><p><br /></p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-72815630029385333282021-05-26T16:41:00.002-07:002021-05-26T16:41:46.073-07:00"Moving On" and "Letting Go"<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Qib3jpR8wng" width="320" youtube-src-id="Qib3jpR8wng"></iframe></div><br /> <p></p><p>I get signs, still. It is mainly the songs. I stumbled across this one today, forgot which song it was but it reminds me so much of James. I sound like a broken record but I miss my sweetest friend. I really really miss my friend. It's not the romance (although I do still remember his sweet kisses) but the love. And him as a person. I miss my friend. </p><p>Sometimes I have dreams too. </p><p>Let me tell you something, come closer so I can whisper it. It's pretty important, and it's something most people don't understand but now I do. Here it is: just because you "move on" doesn't mean you "let go." Spiritual people, those who throw the jargon around, they like to use those two terms, "let go" and "move on." But letting go and moving on are two very different things. I had to move on with my life or else I think I would have died. It would have killed me, staying where I was- staying alone, trying and trying and trying. I was lonely although I was getting happier and healthier. So I ended up moving on, even if it was not my plan. But at the same time I have not, and I will not ever, "let go." The beauty of it is I do not have to let go.</p><p>I never ever ever have to let go of my love for James, and that brings me a strong sense of peace. I can love him. I can hope to see him again. I can wish to hear his voice or get a text from him or sit down and talk to him or wrap my arms around him in the hugest warmest most loving hug ever. And it's okay. I am very very very blessed because the man I have in my life who loves me, and I love him, has told me it is okay. I am free to love James. He realizes that I can't change my heart and he loves me anyway, and I found that I am able to love two people at the same time. One who resides in my heart and one who is part of my life. </p><p>My fiance' and I talked about this again not long ago. We are getting married soon, and marriage is, of course, a huge step. But I love him and he loves me and while I would be happy to live together and love together he really wants to be married. He adores me, and I am so lucky to be loved by such a dear good sweet man. But we talked and I told him I still feel the same exact way I did the day we met almost four years ago- I still love James, and I still hope to one day know him again. Dave says he understands and if that day were to come we'd deal with it. He says he'd want me to follow my heart and be happy, and he'd love me no matter what. How blessed am I? It frees my heart knowing that I don't have to lock away my heart, or lie; I can be true to myself and my heart and it's okay. I am so thankful for that, and for this dear man.</p><p>I do get signs though, and dreams, and the songs. And I ask for my Higher Self to please guide me. I feel like I get nudges to continue to think of James and his goodness, and to love him dearly, no matter what my real life is like. To just be love, to all. To love my fiance' and to also love James. Like I am not supposed to forget him or push his memory to the side. </p><p>It is wonderful but... bittersweet at the same time because I do miss him. I wish I could hug him.</p><p>Please know that if you have a special soul connection with someone like I do James, even if it's been a while, and even if you feel this person is your twin flame or twin soul- it really is okay to love someone else if you are lead there. Have clear intentions. Don't do it to "run" from the connection, or as a distraction. Be honest in your intentions and if it happens then it's okay. For me I am definitely blessed because I can be honest with David, and that's a huge gift that I am thankful for. My fiance' is an angel. Guilt is a really yucky feeling and I am blessed that I don't have to feel guilty because I still love James. I guess love, real sweet good love, is positive no matter what.</p><p>I hope James is happy. I hope he is well-loved. I hope his life is joyful and fulfilling. I do miss my friend though and hope for the day when I can hear his sweet voice again and see his shining smile, and beautiful blue eyes.</p><p>xxoo</p><p><br /></p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-8647485722363939372021-04-26T13:19:00.000-07:002021-04-26T13:19:32.024-07:00If I Could Go Back In Time<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrbqOEnENZO0xgmo1YRk5j7nl7WOo80GdKlTaxWtHRNwlkF9fSfTV-KEdz3JI57406PqpMzvLKO-ORyZBYxechE2R4NZkCkIDDvRS3o9AoD8fUxaRVhgmjppfZx1easHUf5VqF67GZR6o/s600/Deep-Love-Deep-Sorrow-8.31-600x600.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrbqOEnENZO0xgmo1YRk5j7nl7WOo80GdKlTaxWtHRNwlkF9fSfTV-KEdz3JI57406PqpMzvLKO-ORyZBYxechE2R4NZkCkIDDvRS3o9AoD8fUxaRVhgmjppfZx1easHUf5VqF67GZR6o/s320/Deep-Love-Deep-Sorrow-8.31-600x600.png" /></a></div><br />There is one thought I have over and over. If I could go back to some years ago, those four years after all of this started happening, there is one important thing I would change, and I think it is a very important point to make to people who are in a twin flame separation right now.<p></p><p><u>I wish I would have let myself miss him, entirely.</u> Just miss him. I wish I would have let myself cry whenever I wanted to, missing the shit out of him, crying from love and sadness over being away from him. There is a HUGE different between being sad because you miss the shit out of someone you love and <i>being sad because you fear that someone doesn't love you, sad because someone left you and doesn't care any longer. </i></p><p>People told me I wasn't supposed to miss him, that being sad is a bad energy. But being sad over missing someone you love, wishing you could be together, is okay. It really is.</p><p>If I could go back then I would have allowed myself to realize we were separated for a reason, for a twin soul connection, not entirely real life, and that he loved me and I obviously wasn't "ready" energetically-wise to allow our reconnection so we were still apart and it hurt SO FUCKING BAD being apart from the person I loved with all of my heart and soul.</p><p>I did love him, tremendously. I should have just felt the love, let myself ache for him and cry for him and feel that deep longing, the longing to be with him. I wanted so badly to put my arms around him, to kiss him and laugh with him. I absolutely ached to communicate with him. Oh MY GOD being separated with no communication was so god damned hard. I missed talking with him, emailing and exchanging funny messages and loving words, and the hours-long phone calls, the soft gently words, his humor. His sweet voice. I missed that so much, and it made me treacherously sad. </p><p>I wish I had fell into that sadness, let the missing him envelope me and soothe me, in a way. <u>Instead I would try to harden myself and it ALWAYS spiraled me into anger. </u> Anger at God for putting me in a twin soul union. Anger at my soul. Rage, dark dark rage. Anger and rage is a dark sharp gnarly ugly energy. Sadness over missing someone you love, simply missing that person and aching for them, is a soft buttery, even healing energy. I always felt better, like another wave of cleansing would pass, when I would just cry and cry out of love for him. Crying helped me purge. But when I would get rageful inside it only brought me more pain and more separation from James. I should have just let myself be sad, heartache over loving him yet being apart. </p><p>Let yourself cry. Miss that person if you are in separation. Know he/she is only doing their "job" but love them, don't be angry. Don't feel guilty for being sad, but only miss them and love them. Don't feel rejected, don't feel forgotten. They have not forgotten you. Love them, even if it means hurting and aching over being apart. Cry if you have to, cry over the missing them. </p><p>Being separated from the person you love is painful. Heartache is real. That's why they call it the blues. Because when you love someone dearly it hurts being away from them. That's called being human, having a heart, and it's okay. So don't let anyone tell you that you should be stronger, forcing a happiness you don't feel. Go on and be grateful for whatever good you have in your life but also allow yourself to miss the one you love. That's what happens when you love someone wonderful and they are not with you- you miss them.</p><p>I speak from years of experience, almost eight years to be exact.</p><p>Jen</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-4376543228588816212021-04-26T12:48:00.001-07:002021-04-26T12:49:58.821-07:00Keeping The Blog Active<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJa07PJ9xMUmhx0NBjsH8yfmsqTj-Qe7D_WUOFMNNBkUX5oB4WMaEXyj39IjWAiiL6axPci3gtIqhJ60xpKQQNa93bhXK5Ps6VLYnnr7YE8KbSsEqIJWZ8SZmtvT58f4_ZPXIb6vmrNMQ/s489/LL.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="489" data-original-width="489" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJa07PJ9xMUmhx0NBjsH8yfmsqTj-Qe7D_WUOFMNNBkUX5oB4WMaEXyj39IjWAiiL6axPci3gtIqhJ60xpKQQNa93bhXK5Ps6VLYnnr7YE8KbSsEqIJWZ8SZmtvT58f4_ZPXIb6vmrNMQ/s320/LL.jpeg" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>I read an article recently that said we never really get over a past love. We just learn how to live with the memory of the person we had close to us, in love. I guess that's where I am with James. It's been a while. I still think of him often though. I see people who remind me of him and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I still imagine how wonderful it would be to sit and talk with him, freely talk, like we did when we first met. When it was normal and amazing and beautiful and the most precious love affair I've ever experienced in my life. I'll never ever "get over" James. I still love him and miss him.</p><p>But life goes on. It has to.</p><p>I don't write much but I choose to keep the blog up and active because I KNOW what I have experienced is truth, and I still get messages from people telling me my blog has helped them. I always wished I would be together with James again, and as of right now that hasn't happened. But I know I went through something extraordinary with him and it was real, and I know many other people out there are going through something similar and maybe they will find this and maybe it will help them. The entire situation was real. Call it "twin flame" or "twin soul" or whatever but it was real, and it means a lot to me. He means a lot to me and he always will. Getting older, time passing, life moving on, new loves entering the picture- none of those things negate or wipe away or lessen the love or the memories or the desire to know this person again. I'll always want to know James again. </p><p>Sometimes I daydream about meeting him. I wish I would hear from him, like he would reach out to me, and let me know he's around, has been thinking about me, and wants to meet and catch up. It would be... strangely normal. There is something I want probably more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I want to be able to sit down with him and talk honestly, discuss the strange shit that happened. I wish I could tell him, "I'm honestly a fairly normal human being but this has been the strangest experience I could ever imagine, like stranger than fiction." I wish I could thank him for being part of it, THE ONE who finally showed me myself. I want to thank him because it put my poor dear friend through a Hell than I can't imagine, coming from his side of this connection. </p><p>I'll always know that our twin souls, the ones who go quiet, those typically called "the runner," are the catalyst in all of this. I'll always believe James was my mirror that showed me my "shadows" that needed to be... evicted. I can't say my "demons" were "healed." I had to evict them. James helped. But I know he didn't want to. It's a supernatural connection. It isn't normal by any means. We really must learn to forgive our twin souls. I remember my guidance telling me that he was here to heal me, and I was supposed to love him through it, and to always remember who he really was. I was told that over and over and over. "Above" (higher self I think) told me that James was bound to me in such a way that he would stop at absolutely nothing in order to "heal me." Even if it hurt. And it did, oh my God, and I know it hurt him too. I just know it.</p><p>So even today I get this twisted knotted feeling in my stomach because I can look back now, with a clearer mind and fears evicted, my thought process not colored with terror, fear and despair, and recall the times he would reach out to me sounding so sad, missing me terribly, but still "bound" to being my mirror, and if I wasn't 100% clear inside (and I was far from it) then he still had to hold back, remain somewhat aloof, yet now I can clearly see how much it hurt him to do so. That he actually wanted to be with me. That he missed me and hated being apart. And oh how that still aches. It does. I can't help it. </p><p>I wish I could hug him. I didn't get a chance to show him how much I love him and to thank him. </p><p>I do believe that twin flames can come together again. I know the energy/manifestation is VERY REAL. I know that there were times when I would think of him, very deep loving thoughts, putting tons of love energy into a moment and he'd reach out to me, out of nowhere, even after months of no contact- and I know my energy "allowed" it to happen. It was a reflection of that good strong energy; he was showing it back to me in return. I will admit the quiet (hence the name of this blog) is what was the hardest thing for me. It made me insane. Literally the quiet drove me batty and it brought out the worst in me. And when that brought up fear and anger in me (even privately, not showing it to anyone but just feeling it or writing it in my journal) then I would get mirrored- and finally I clearly saw the "shit" I needed to get rid of. </p><p>It got to a point with me where I was trying so very hard to change things for myself. I was actively working to BANISH the anger thoughts, the fear, the blackness. I refused to let myself focus on fear-based emotions/thought and instead I spent every free moment I had "protecting myself" with positive affirmations. And life started to change, like a miracle. My work changed for the better overnight. I got a large increase in my salary and a promotion. People who were not of my higher good moved out of my life and good loving kind people moved closer. I learned that positivity actually does work, that manifestation is real. And my biggest hurdle was not allowing myself to get "sucked down" into anger because I wasn't hearing from James. I had to just kind of battle through it, realizing it wasn't his intention.</p><p>But I also got tired of affirming about him. I did for almost 4 years, writing and writing. Clearing, focusing on love, on belief, and it got tiring for me. Sometimes I do wonder had I continued would eventually I have heard from him. The last thing he said to me was a strange phone call where he told me that yes, I was right, he'd always loved me. Like... strange right? </p><p>One day I was listening to Louise Hays and she said to always say how thankful we are for all the love in our lives. So I tried it. I wrote that and wrote it, and suddenly I met my now fiance' David, without even trying. He literally just kinda fell into my life. We've been the best of friends and lovers and confidants and partners ever since. And he is the epitome of love. He's one of the kindest, most caring, sensitive and loving man I've ever met. And I suppose we both needed each other. I had been through a spiritual war unlike anything most people could ever understand. I was battle weary and worn and I think maybe I just needed a gentle touch, after four years of being in a twin soul connection maybe David was to help heal me from the challenges of being mirrored so hard. It wasn't easy, and at times it was so terrifying I thought I might die. I had a ton, an absolute ton, of RAGE inside of me, and James had to mirror that back to me... it was a highly challenging experience for both of us. I think I needed a dose of "real life," like normal life for a while so I could be de-conditioned from all of it. I hate to say this but because of James having to act as my mirror there were times showing me all of that anger didn't feel too good. I loved him but I was terrified of my mirror at the same time. It was all very difficult to process inside of me. And because I stayed militantly alone... besides being with my son I was often alone, for a while like a hermit, and after four years I was starting to "see" what I needed to change, and I did. And I started feeling lighter and better, life was getting better, but I was still alone, militantly trying to work on my energy so I could get James back in my life. </p><p>It was exhausting. Then Dave showed up, and he was grieving and in need of a tender gentle touch as well. I wasn't asking for it; entering into a relationship with someone besides James wasn't what I wanted. But then it happened, and I remember being so scared that I was doing "the wrong thing." And I had to constantly remind myself that it was all love, all of it. I still loved James. I told Dave ALL about James, lol, and the man still fell in love with me. He's a dear heart, and even now he realizes I still love James and I want to see him again. I am very blessed to be with Dave and to know him. I am grateful for him. I've learned that we can love two different people at one time. Lucky for me I am not made to feel guilty for it, and for that I am super grateful. </p><p>I sometimes wonder if I did start focusing on James again, would I eventually open that door? Would the energies match up and one day he see something that reminds him of me and think to contact me? Sometimes I do write about him still. I remind myself, and I remind the universe of how much he did for me, how much I adore him still. And then I'll hear all the songs and I'll see his name everywhere. The last time I wrote about him was at a coffee shop. I stepped into the store next door and the song "Sweet Baby James" was playing and I had to smile. It brings me a source of comfort I suppose. </p><p>Rambling as always. This blog lets me get my heart out when I need to. I miss James dearly. But most days life is so full, busy and good, and he's on the back burner of my heart. Then, once in a while, he moves up to the power burner and I feel like everything just happened yesterday and I can remember his bright blue eyes and those amazing kisses. I've never shared kisses with anyone like we used to kiss, content to sit, embraced, kissing and kissing and smiling at each other and KISSING. Ugh- I'm human and I love him... I still miss his sweet kisses.</p><p>Later skaters.</p><p>Jen</p><p><br /></p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-49355941611331034232021-03-28T19:33:00.005-07:002021-03-28T19:42:42.654-07:00Moving Forward, But Never Letting Go<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Wln6NX0V4AQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="Wln6NX0V4AQ"></iframe></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;">Waiting For A Girl Like You</p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written on my blog. Sometimes I feel like a twin soul fraud. I am going to be getting married soon. In June. My boyfriend loves me so much, and he wants to get married, and I do love him, and it is the right thing to do. It is the "normal" step to take. I have such a happy life with Dave and my son. I've been in a happy relationship with Dave for almost four years now. Four years is a long time. I've been... "separated" from James for almost eight years. In eight years I have seen James once, and I have not been in contact with him for maybe... at least four and a half or five years now. I cannot put my life on hold forever. I have to "move on."</p><p style="text-align: left;">*sigh* To most people how I feel inside would seem really fucking crazy. I still miss James, and I still think about him. Not as much as I used to, thank God. I don't feel the same ache or pain and I'm glad. That was rough. Dave realizes that I still miss James and I wish I could sit down and talk with him again. He knows that even though we are getting married I still wish I could talk with James again. Sadly he parallels it to him wishing he could talk with his late wife again, although for me it is different.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I had no closure. No resolution. I was in love with James, in a relationship with him, his girlfriend, and he disappeared. I've never "gotten over it." I KNOW he's my twin soul. He is the only person on this earth who mirrored me so strongly. Many of the teachings say that twin flames are here to "teach" us, to show us all the things we need to heal- our "shadows." But for fuck's sake I did not want that! I fell so hard in love with James. Oh my gosh did I. And I need to state on this blog that even while I am planning to get married- I STILL LOVE MY TWIN FLAME. I am not ashamed of that fact. I can't put my life on hold forever. I have a child. I have a man in my life who I do love, and who loves me. Dave is an amazing person. He has a heart of gold, and he adore me. Like... he cherishes me. He's love incarnate. I really can't put off getting married forever. I am happy to get married to Dave but it is bittersweet because I wanted to marry James. But when you don't have contact with a person for five years you kinda have to "move on." Moving on and "letting go" are two different things though. I don't think I'll ever let go. I am glad to know that I don't have to.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I wonder how James is doing. What is his life like right now. I wish... I wish I could have him in my life, know him. It is so tough to know someone, love that person, make such a strong connection, and then the person is GONE. It felt like death, and it pretty much still does. I know I will love James forever. I will always think of him as "the special one." Unresolved. UNRESOLVED. I've said this before on my blog, and I am not bragging. But I am a strong smart woman. I'm educated, Master's Degree. I have an excellent career, and I am the director of my area in a big ten university. I've been a single mother for a while, own my home, have nice things... I'm of sound mind and soul yet I know with all of my heart, I know my truth and I will know it until I die- that man loved me. He loved me hard. He fell hard in love me, like giddy in love. Texts and calls and emails and kissing and hugging and laughing and SHARING and "pillow talk." Making love, sweet kind special love. The epitome of what making love is supposed to me. I know James loved me. So I cannot 100% ever accept what happened. Being my mirror, showing me my fears. I understand he showed me what I was fearing but that does not WIPE OUT the actual love he felt for me, and to this day that haunts me. I know he loved me. I remember the cuddles, the embracing, the sitting and talking and hugging and kissing... hours of kissing and talking. No TV, nothing but us sitting and kissing and giggling and talking, mostly kissing. His bright blue eyes and gorgeous cheekbones and the kisses. I've neve experienced kissing like that. The best kisses ever; James told me I was the best kisser ever, and I've never experienced kisses like those I shared with him. It was perfection. Irreplaceable.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Dave misses his late wife and for that reason I don't feel bad or guilty for how I feel. I am totally understanding of his grief; how could I not be? I still grieve too. It might seem weird or silly to most because I didn't know James for very long but my God I fell so hard in love with him. He was everything I ever asked for. I miss him so much. </p><p style="text-align: left;">*sigh* I'm getting married in California. For anyone who has been with me from the beginning you'll know the impact of that. I have to laugh, California. I guess it shows that I've grown. I can plan to get married in California and it doesn't sting. Newport Beach, and I am so very blessed, and grateful. It looks amazingly beautiful. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I wanted to marry James. My guidance used to tell me "Don't kill your dreams." And while I am thankful and happy, and I do love my boyfriend, I still feel like I killed my strongest dreams with my fear. I wanted to marry James and maybe have another child. I so much wanted to be James' wife. I loved him so much. I can't really put how I feel into words. Bittersweet. </p><p style="text-align: left;">My guidance told me something while I was in the middle of all of this. They used to tell me that his job was to HEAL me, to show me the things I needed to change and heal. They told me James would do ANYTHING he needed to in order to heal me, anything, and it might hurt or be scary. And they told me it was my job to love him, always, through it, and to always know who he really was. And to love him no matter what.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Now it has been over seven years. And I do love James. So hopefully I did what I was supposed to *weeping.* Because I DO love him. I remember him as this sweet kind adorable man who was so very kind to me and my son. Thoughtful, kind, sweet. Patient and respectful. I don't let myself "go there" very often because honestly it only hurts. I miss James. I wish I could talk to my friend again. I am not strong enough to say I'm thankful for what he showed me and I can let the rest go. NOPE. I loved him too much. I want it all. I miss him. I never stopped loving him. I've always wished to have him back in my life, and I still do. But life goes on. </p><p style="text-align: left;">Don't think I'm not conflicted. I am. But I cannot put my life on hold forever. </p><p style="text-align: left;">My God I do love hard though. Eight years almost and I still love this man. It took four years before I could even be interested in another man. My love for James was and is so very strong, and that does warm my heart. It shows me that I have a strong pure heart and I love hard. I'm thankful for how strong and pure my love is. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I know what James did for me. He might not realize it, and I totally understand that. Even now it seems supernatural. I look back and am flabbergasted at how weird it was, even now. It was so fucking weird, not of this world, supernatural. He mirrored me, strongly. It showed me what energies I absolutely must rid myself of. Yes I'm thankful but man at the same time... no matter what I miss him so very much. I am also sorry for what I put him through. I did not understand it at the time.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I miss you James. I tell myself that maybe you might see this one day and realize that no matter what, no matter how much time has passed, no matter what happened, I still love you and think you are wonderful and I remember how sweet and kind you were to me. A wonderful person, and very special to me because even if you don't realize it you have such strong energy that you were used to show me myself. The good parts and the dark fearful doubting parts. You helped me heal myself. You helped me show me how to love myself.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I remember when James and I were dating he sent me an email. He told me how wonderful I was, how beautiful. He said, "Do you know how beautiful your smile is?" He told me he loved me so much and he said, "I hope you can accept my love." <---- THAT FUCKING HAUNTS ME. Now I can look back and see what he actually meant. He hoped I could accept the fact that he loved me because if I could not accept that he loved me... it would cause big issues, mirroring me. And it did. I was terrified. I thought he would leave me for something better, like I was not worth enough. How sad as I look back, to not realize my great worth, to doubt how special and "hold-on-able" I was. Now I realize that I am special and worthy. Thank you James for showing me my worth. I am so sorry we had to go through all of this for me to know that. I miss you and love you, dearly. I know you are a wonderful person and I adore you. I always will, until I die and after. I pray with all my might that when I die you will be waiting there for me, to hug me. I miss you SO MUCH. I pray that your soul and my soul may be reunite one day, even if it is after I die. I love you so much that I tell myself you will be there to welcome me, your soul and my son's soul. You mean so much to me. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I still wish I could go back, God help me. I wish I could go back and accept your love. I have never gotten over you. I don't think I ever will. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I miss him so much. And that's okay. I am grateful for all the love in my life. I am grateful for everything James showed me. And still I love, and miss, James my twin soul.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YzR8BCmV9Ew" width="320" youtube-src-id="YzR8BCmV9Ew"></iframe></div><div><br /></div><br /><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/RHhkd2B87Q8" width="320" youtube-src-id="RHhkd2B87Q8"></iframe></div><br />Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-68448670414884096782021-01-02T15:41:00.002-08:002021-01-02T15:44:27.291-08:00Happy New Year<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfP6WrgzGLTgex6XrydtyaS8I90-nsYUbo39erE5H1ViQS9Y8NxrnU4QiY1f9CzIKbfPQZuNsNf-DjkgVZE2jGBZ1e6-oNmusbOMLRRq6BL7_1cxGXbQJubsR9aH2sNnv-LHY2kLFgRao/s1200/sweet+love.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfP6WrgzGLTgex6XrydtyaS8I90-nsYUbo39erE5H1ViQS9Y8NxrnU4QiY1f9CzIKbfPQZuNsNf-DjkgVZE2jGBZ1e6-oNmusbOMLRRq6BL7_1cxGXbQJubsR9aH2sNnv-LHY2kLFgRao/s320/sweet+love.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p>I hope anyone who might be reading this has a very happy, blessed, fulfilling and prosperous new year!</p><p>Wow what a year 2020 was, right? I know the last year has treated people in many different ways. My heart goes out to those who've lost a loved one or a friend due to covid. My life, my family, we've been well. We've been careful, as careful as we can be, and everyone is healthy. I'm working. My son is going to school. My parents are healthy, and I pray that the vaccine is available to everyone ASAP. Please keep thinking positive, and don't forget the power of manifestation.</p><p>January 20, 2021. I have it marked on my calendar with highlighter and hearts and exclamation points and balloons and smiley faces, and I am so happy! I can't wait for the new Biden administration to be in office.. It would take me days to explain how I feel about the last four years, and this is not the time nor the place for that type of pontification. Suffice to say that I hope the last four years brought to the surface and shined a spotlight to the shit that needs to change in our society, and I am confident that it can only get better from here.</p><p>That said, I hope anyone who might still be reading this, and everyone else too, is healthy and happy and doing well. No one could have imagined the happenings of 2020. </p><p>I miss seeing people smile. Seriously, I am a smiler. I like to SEE people. I like to say hi at the store. I like to make random conversation with someone I don't know. So these fucking masks suck although YES I wear them and YES I realize their importance. But I don't like them. I do look forward to when I can smile at someone and see them smile too without a mask. And lipstick, like what's even the point? Now it's all about mascara. Thrive Cosmetics, that is the best mascara EVER, just FYI. I literally have the smallest eyes and little to no eyelashes yet Thrive makes me look like Cher.</p><p>Last night I had a James Dream. OMG! It felt so real! I love these dreams because they make me remember. How do dreams work? Like seriously, it's all X-Files. It was like I saw him. I HEARD his soft kind voice. I saw his face. I felt him because we hugged, for a long time, and I could literally FEEL him. *deep sigh, like really deep sigh like you just dropped your favorite book in the tub, no worse but I can't think of worse.* So weird how these dreams feel so damn REAL. Like dudes I heard him. We were hugging, this huge hug. Just a hug but it was like the most beautiful hug ever, more perfect than baby flying unicorns. Or meltless ice cream. It was a huge warm melting beautiful smooshy lovely perfect long hug. And then I think I woke up.</p><p>Sadly I woke up. I wanted that fucking sweet hug to last forever. I could have kept sleeping for hours wrapped in the warmth of his inviting hug. In my dream I actually was going to end the hug (I was scared) and he emphatically said, "No" and kept hugging me.</p><p>And now I want to weep. And I probably will. Because to this day, over 7 years later, I still miss James. I love him, I think of him, and there is no other man in my life (and at 47 there's been a couple who have made an impact on my heart) who has meant the same to me as James. And my biggest wish is to be able to hold him in my arms. In my dream last night I remember thinking, "I'm going to start crying. I can't believe it's really him, finally. I have my arms wrapped around him and his arms around me and I get to finally hug my beloved friend again." </p><p>It was a really sweet dream. I so wish, with all of my heart, that I could hug him again. I'm thankful for that dream. </p><p>Happy New Year. Be happy, healthy and safe.</p><p>xxoo</p><p>Jen</p><p><br /></p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-38622996131059153142020-10-02T18:27:00.006-07:002020-10-02T18:39:08.833-07:00Songs...<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiltyUubobg3zauHEJ1RQpWZtCLETEdaiyokSHTTUOnaahrRpO8Qqxc0spjkrH5xpPk89-x93kEdOHcDcalpISZ5veMz7bETEhPHTOKD4PqsmsONyuKk1bwQXt1sf_MgVvtqSvnKVeunXU/s940/love+%25281%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="940" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiltyUubobg3zauHEJ1RQpWZtCLETEdaiyokSHTTUOnaahrRpO8Qqxc0spjkrH5xpPk89-x93kEdOHcDcalpISZ5veMz7bETEhPHTOKD4PqsmsONyuKk1bwQXt1sf_MgVvtqSvnKVeunXU/s320/love+%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>I woke with a song in my head this morning which doesn't really happen anymore. It used to a lot. It is a magical experience to wake with a song in your head that you've never heard before or maybe you heard it 25 years ago, once. I would grab my phone and google the lyrics before they disappeared from my mind to find out the song, to read the message it would give me.</p><p>"Goodbye Girl" is the song. It holds strong meaning for me because the song it about a man who has left but is assuring the woman he loves her. He tells her goodbye isn't forever, goodbye doesn't mean they won't meet again or be together again. But the strangest part is when he sings, "Because the things you do my goodbye girl will bring me back to you."</p><p>Anyone who has read my blog knows I fully 100% believe, and still do, that James and I have a strong energetic/spirt connection, soul connection. The strongest of anyone I've known. And I know that he mirrors me. I've never believed (or been shown) that I mirror him. He's been the one to show me. All along. I still believe that he fell hard in love with me, and although I don't like to mention it or focus on this anymore- it stings when I go back to look at the journal I kept while we were dating. I LOVED HIM SO MUCH and that terrified me! I had a very strong fear of when I fell hard in love the man would, for some reason, leave me. Like something would come up where he'd have to leave me behind even if he, you know, kinda loved me. It was a suck-ass fear, and I think I understand now where it came from. I had "insecure attachment" issues that I've since worked on healing. But in my journal, and remember I'm a super strong manifestor and didn't realize it then (or else I would have NEVER ever written such things!) and I would beg God not to "make him leave" or let him leave me. I was nervous that he'd want to go, to move away, and I couldn't go because my son has a wonderful father here. And I was just so scared even though we had the start of the greatest love relationship! So I'd focus, secretly, on being afraid he'd leave, and I WROTE THAT SHIT DOWN! *ugh* All that energy... focused on my worst fears. So yes, I will always believe I "manifested" him leaving, and I STILL believe and know he loved me and never wanted to leave. I just know it. And it does kinda still haunt me. </p><p>Then I had spirit begin to really speak strongly to me, and it scared me. I was just a big ball of terrified, hurt, heartbroken, in love, energy. Oh to go back and hug that poor suffering woman. It makes me cry. I hurt so bad, and I was so confused and all I could think of was "See? It happened. I'm not loveable enough!" It was the absolute darkest time of my life. If anyone out there is in that place I hope you read this and realize it is NOT because you are not loved. It is the "twin flame" connection. And it works to rid us of those fears, to show those fears to us so clearly, so we heal ourselves of them so we do not continue to KILL OUR DREAMS with those fears.</p><p>*sigh* But I was also shown that I could fix it. I could clear it, focus "rightly," focus on love and truth and somehow "allow" him back to me. I saw it happen a few times. He did get nearer. He was the loving kind man I met, the loving gentle funny sweet dear little soul I met, dated and fell in love with. He was able to be because I focused on love and truth. Unfortunately my fears crept up over and over and over again, and I know *I* kept him away.</p><p>So, this song. I was shown this song and the words hit home because they clearly tell me that the things *I* do would bring him back to me. Not placing the responsibility on him. It was always on me. I did try. But I had fears still. </p><p>He was here once, three years later. Three years. And we spent the evening together and it was like a dream. It was the last time I've seen him. I miss his smile. I miss his warm embrace. I miss his smile. </p><p>I met Dave... over a year later, a year or so after the last time I saw James. Four years apart. And when I met Dave little by little I stopped writing, stopped "trying." It felt better to just LIVE and enjoy my life. Sometimes hoping, hoping all the time, wore me down.'</p><p>Still though I miss him and I wish I could see him and talk with him again. Hearing this song as I woke this morning shocked me because it's been so long, and the only message I can take from it is "The things you do will bring me back to you." The only thing I can do is focus on the love, the goodness, the happy memories. There's nothing else. Spirit's shown me that. I do enjoy getting the signs and messages. It's been a while and sometimes I forget how magical my life was through those four years. Mini-miracles happened often. I experienced situations that many people never have or will. I've never stopped being in awe of the miracles. Of the signs. Of the radio station changing on its own to play a special song, of spirit talking to me through my pendulum, of spirit speaking through my son to me. I remember one day my little boy, about five years-old, looked up at me and said so seriously, almost imploringly, "He loves you mom! James does love you!" I remember how hard spirit tried to show me. I remember James texting me and saying, "Good morning beautiful. I love you with all of my heart" when I was worried if he really did love me. </p><p>I wish I hadn't been so scared. If I could share wisdom with someone who is in separation, wondering what is going on, truly feeling like they are in a twin flame/twin soul connection- try not to be scared. Or at the very least don't focus on your fears. Try to ignore then. I wish I would have just allowed myself to miss him and love him, cry all the time if necessary over the ache I felt because I grieved over the loss of him in my life, and let that deep longing cleanse my anger and fear. Let yourself miss him or her. Love them. Let yourself love them. Let that love cleanse you on the inside.</p><p>It's a challenge. Yes sometimes the thought of seeing James again and talking with him, honest discussion, seems like a fairy tale. But I know in my heart it could happen. I believe in manifestation. I believe in the miracles. I believe that if I focus my energy rightly then spirit could make it happen, put the pieces in place. I feel that's what the song is about- a reminder that goodbye isn't forever. Goodbye doesn't mean we will never meet again. Because the things I do could bring him back to me. I let that go often. And just live my life. But it sneaks up on me. Like a tidal wave it crashes into me and I have a good cry. I can almost feel him. I can "see" him sitting next to me, telling me he needs to sit on "his side" of the couch. I can feel what his arms would feel like around me. Even after all this time. </p><p>I think that if he knew how much I still love him, no matter what, and what he means to me he would only think lovingly of me. I think he would find it endearing. He was always so sweet. And kind, understanding, and he loves hard. He told me he loves being in love, loves love, loves falling in love and I know he thought I was sweet, cute, spirited and he felt gently towards me. I know it. I get this sad feeling like I just KNOW he wished he could have reached out to me, calmed me, soothed me, eased my pain and "make it all better." I think it made him sad to know the pain I was in. I still hold all of this inside of me. I can remember the times he'd reach out and I could feel the longing and the missing and his own pain, like he wished SO MUCH that he could be with me and see me and hold me and kiss me. He told me he wished and hoped he could come back and "be intimate" with me. I cherish his choice of words still, "be intimate" means to hold close, to cherish, to love, to snuggle. </p><p>Pillow talk. I know he wanted pillow talk with me. </p><p>That "knowing" haunts me. It does. I know it's hard to understand but now that I look back with no fear coloring my truth- I can see and remember how being separated from me hurt him too. Because I was worth missing too. I just didn't realize it back then. </p><p>It's so... ugh. when I met Dave, after a month or two, his best friend who lives in CA kept pushing him to move to CA. And I told spirit, "Just no." I wouldn't even consider it. I told spirit that I am worth being here for, that I am so loveable I know it's not even an option. And that was and is my truth but I know it was for James too. He wanted to say here with me. He told me but I was too scared to listen. He told me if he fell in love with the right woman who had a good family (yes to both) that love could make him stay. If then were now I'd take out my journal and write a hundred times a day that James is a solid good wonderful man who loves me tremendously, and I am thankful for that strong dear love, that I cherish it dearly.</p><p>I say that about David. I cherish his love. Love is love, no matter who it's with or from. I am very thankful for Dave and his love for me. VERY. Focusing on love and being thankful for love is a very good thing. Being grateful for the love in my life is important. I'm trying to be very focused on love and goodness right now. There is a lot going on in the world to distract us from focusing on the good in the world. The other day I was feeling really crappy. I was talking shit about someone I just really don't like, and I shouldn't have been focused on this person. I can choose to have this person not be in my life. That's all I have to do. That night I had dreams about, well, shit. Literally. Poop everywhere, on the walls, floors, etc. I woke knowing I was being shown not to have such shitty energy. If I keep talking smack then I'll start dreaming of having nasty crud coming from my mouth. Signs, spirit trying to grab my attention, show me what I am doing wrong so I can make it right that way I don't keep at the negative until I create something negative in my life from it.</p><p>I try to listen! So focusing on love is a good thing. Staying soft on the inside. I used to battle with such terrible anger (another thing James showed me I needed to change) and while I've overcome that pretty well I still work at staying soft and loving. I'm far from perfect and I have to reign myself in, remind myself and often very specifically shift my focus to where it needs to be when I'm focused on something I shouldn't be. So honoring love is good. No matter who the love is coming from, as long as it is good, healthy pure love. Nothing but love. I can't go wrong if I'm focused on love. </p><p>It would be so sweet if James could come back and mirror me now. I feel like I've cleansed a lot of what was inside of me. I'm softer (on the inside and outside both lol!) happier, kinder, gentler. We practice no religion whatsoever; it's not a part of my life at all. But we thank God and pay attention to God, spirit, kindness and being loving good people. That, to us, is what's important. I feel in my heart that James is my one and only "twin soul" and he would still love me tremendously because he's my mirror. He'd love me and show me my goodness. I wish that could happen. I wish he could come back and treat me like he did when we met, before my fears kicked up. Those were the most blissful weeks of my entire life. Best time of my life. I've had other amazing times in my life, believe me! But I can't deny that those times with James were the absolute most blissful times of my life. Truly the best gift. I'm blessed to have love in my life now. But damn I still remember that bliss, a bliss like none other. </p><p>I miss him. I still love him. I wish I could see him and talk with him again. All I remember is the goodness, the joy, the kisses, the laughter, the smiles, the jokes- he made me laugh and it was a good thing, a great thing. He was patient with me, respectful of me. I would love to experience that again with James. I miss my friend and my love.</p><p>xxoo</p><p>Jen</p><div class="bbVIQb" jsname="Vinbg" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="line-height: 1.58; margin-bottom: 12px;"><br /></div></div>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-82917787345102834172020-09-30T17:33:00.002-07:002020-09-30T17:35:45.929-07:00This Time of Year<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDwro3vlwWQBbmRgKEwJJ5EnlBUZBznp_Z6fPT8fH1XVGxINW_xn0HU45TTHOToyE_MsH6EPt63ubTqs-QtgyfkJerQ75h1NsnNXloPFuPF6PqAYl8RF_p_MeSRz-Dx9A3ByXCCIdyBPs/s759/Divine+Love.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="759" data-original-width="550" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDwro3vlwWQBbmRgKEwJJ5EnlBUZBznp_Z6fPT8fH1XVGxINW_xn0HU45TTHOToyE_MsH6EPt63ubTqs-QtgyfkJerQ75h1NsnNXloPFuPF6PqAYl8RF_p_MeSRz-Dx9A3ByXCCIdyBPs/s320/Divine+Love.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>Oh boy. I didn't write on his birthday this year. I was a bit relieved that I didn't cry gallons of tears. That would be the first time in 7 years I haven't cried on our birthdays. </p><p>I don't have the same pain anymore. It has greatly dissipated. But I still think of him every day. Maybe you'll find this ironic. I have been thinking it's okay now. You know? Life is great. My life is wonderful and I don't... I can't put it into words but maybe "letting go" would be the best term. Letting go of that old hope. The dream. Accepting life as it is. I see these memes that say embrace what you have instead of holding on to what you thought life should be and I think well maybe that's what I am supposed to do.</p><p>So I have an old guy friend who sends me songs out of the blue sometimes and he's always been used as a messenger of sorts. I get a thrill when I get his songs because I like to go see what the lyrics say. I've often felt he sends me the things James is unable to. Well he sent me a song the other day and when I went to Youtube to listed to it my phone showed me the last comment posted to the song. It said something close to, "I want to let you know that I no longer miss you but not a day goes by that I don't clearly remember you."</p><p>*sigh* It home for me. I remember him Every. Single. Day. About two weeks ago I had a super vivid dream of James, and I rarely dream of him. It was odd. He was around. We were talking! Like we were in the same room and we were talking and then he had to go. I saw his smile. I heard his sweet voice and I could so very clearly see his adorable face. And then he was gone. He told me he would see me soon or something like that and I was anxious. I remember in the dream feeling anxious BUT the one part I totally remember is when he walked away I turned to the people I was with and I said, loudly and a few times in a row, "That man is going to be my husband! That is the man who is going to be my husband!" Oh man. And then in the dream I was anxious but I decided to call him. And he answered. And he was kind, his soft voice. His soft gentle hello. Asking me how I was. </p><p>That's about all I remember. The kindness in his voice. The gentleness. How I miss that. I miss my friend. I do. We were dating at this time of year and this weather always brings it back. I remember walking through my neighborhood holding hands. Going to Chicago for my dream date where we walked all over, pub hopped and he took me to Union for sushi. And... pink frog or something like that for frozen yogurt. We had such fun together. We laughed. He held my hand the entire time. He was so so so perfect, and perfect for me.</p><p>I still miss him and love him so much. More than anyone else I've ever loved. And I've loved a lot. I love. A lot, lol. I fall in love easily. But I could let that romantic love go and it changed to a warm "I wish them well" kind of love. This is different although I of course with him well. I still love him, more than just friends. At the same time I love him as a friend and I miss my friend. I miss his laugh and the twinkle in his dear blue eyes. </p><p>I remember our first kiss. After our first date I was going to open my car door and he took my face in my hands and kissed me, deeply. And I swooned. I wanted another kiss! All smiles. He swept me off my feet. The perfect man for me. Perfect. I miss him so much.</p><p>I miss you.</p><p>Sometimes I play out in my mind what it would be like to see him again, to talk with him. Life is very different, in a good way, and I surely hope the same for him. I've learned that relationship status doesn't change love. I have a fiancé'. He wants to marry me. He would love to marry me. He thinks I am perfect in every way and he loves me dearly. I am blessed. But that doesn't mean I am able to forget James, and he knows this. I told him about my dream because... it threw me off. I was struggling after that dream. It was like I had seen him again! I once asked my guy a question. I asked him what would happen, and I know this sounds insane, if my love for James one day drew him back to me after I was already married since he wants to marry me so badly, no matter what. He said we'd have to deal with that, wouldn't we. He said I've always been honest and he realizes that I am still in love with James. But he loves me and wants to marry me no matter what, no matter if I also love someone else, because I love him too and we are together now. In the now, and we all must enjoy the love we have *right now.* I'm so blessed to have him because ONLY he could understand. </p><p>I have some alone time right now. And I sit here imagining how wonderful it would be to sit down and talk to James again. I imagine what it would be like to find an email from him or get a text saying, "Hi. How have you been?" It would be amazing. I wish that would happen. I wish I would get contact from him and we could sit down and talk again. I would be honest with him, totally. But I would be honest about how I feel. I long to tell him that I still love him and always have. I wish I could just tell him that I've missed him all this time and I love him and all I remember is how sweet he was to me and my son. A blessing. And that I've missed him every single day... because he is that special. To me. I want to hear about him, his life, how things are going for him. And I'd like to tell him about me, about my son, my life, my work, my boyfriend. I'd like to tell him how the love of my boyfriend really helped me because I was kind of dying inside. But I wish I could be honest and tell him that when I met my boyfriend I told him all about James because I was so in love and felt I needed to honor that love no matter what, in my life or not. </p><p>Like I said, I love hard. I wish I could hug James. I imagine hugging him for a really long time. I wish I could! I wish I could hug him again. And just hug him. I do remember our kisses because they are the sweetest best kisses I've ever experienced. I can't help that. I don't mean to sound mean but the connection I had with him was incredible and those kisses for hours and hours were out of this world incredible. Heaven. I think Heaven must feel like those kisses. I enjoyed just sitting and kissing him. It's challenging. I remember him. I remember how kind and sweet he was to me. Funny. He made me laugh. We were similar and we meshed well and I thought he was so hilarious, and such a good match with me. I found him very interesting and intelligent and I could talk with him for hours and hours. It was amazing and wonderful and blissful. And I miss him. I wish I could have kept him in my life. I wish I still knew him. I wish he was in my life. </p><p>Odd how although years pass it feels like yesterday. It feels like yesterday that he would walk up to my door, wait for me to open it and come in and kiss me. So kindly. And he was thoughtful, always had some small token, something thoughtful, to give me or a trinket or candy for my son. Just so generous and kind and thoughtful. Everything I asked for. I asked for him and he came to me. I miss that gift.</p><p>People can't be replaced. Having love in my life now doesn't replace James. Nothing can replace him in my heart. Knowing him was the most joyful, blissful and exciting time in my life. I can't deny that I have a hard time with the idea of getting married to someone else. I do. I can't help it. Even in my dreams I'm being reminded... of how much I wanted to marry James. I guess we can't change our hearts no matter what.</p><p>I remember reading about other twin souls who would harden their hearts, hate their twins, force themselves to move on and reason away the connection. I can't do that. I can't harden my heart. I still love him. I've never been able to fully let go of that dream no matter what. It's not something I can explain to my boyfriend- I do not want to hurt him. But if I told him that I was struggling, that I know it sounds stupid and crazy and inconceivable but I want to stay as we are, engaged, together, loving each other, and leave at that until I feel differently he'd understand and accept it because he loves me so much and is a wonderful amazing soulful empathetic kind human being. For now we just are and that's okay. Love is love and love is good. At the beginning I felt guilty but not anymore. Love is a good thing, and we love each other. I just still also love James and miss him.</p><p>There is my check in. I wish that one day I can talk with my twin soul again. I miss him dearly. I'll love him forever.</p><p>xxoo</p><p>Jen </p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-43060142917386329192020-08-11T15:46:00.004-07:002020-08-11T15:46:40.121-07:00Hug<p> </p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/VjEq-r2agqc" width="320" youtube-src-id="VjEq-r2agqc"></iframe></div><p></p></blockquote><p style="text-align: center;">Don't Give Up- Peter Gabriel</p><p><br /></p><p>This is how I wish we could hug.</p><p><br /></p><p>xxoo</p><p><br /></p><p>Jen </p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-34118054402029142302020-08-11T15:36:00.002-07:002020-08-11T15:40:01.000-07:00Thank You<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir-DLPxPPOzwqPS3JtcW0HuZ4Vn5KkkbkPq3_RAYtJNPHDBAj2CUMyZnHG0Yf_dYd5JYtstU16k2xCxy06eYdLxVIfBk5w_Y8LfuivU0gVTZzFYhkzsHDXDjMk_WTXoEnDlteoCYQs8DY/s700/twin-flame-stages-5.jpg.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="452" data-original-width="700" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir-DLPxPPOzwqPS3JtcW0HuZ4Vn5KkkbkPq3_RAYtJNPHDBAj2CUMyZnHG0Yf_dYd5JYtstU16k2xCxy06eYdLxVIfBk5w_Y8LfuivU0gVTZzFYhkzsHDXDjMk_WTXoEnDlteoCYQs8DY/s640/twin-flame-stages-5.jpg.webp" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I remember our first date. I know it would sound strange to most people but even though it's been seven years I still "feel" it. I feel the memories. I can't help it. I've said over and over on here that I am "normal" and sane, well not really normal because I manifest strongly and have "supernatural" experiences happen to me all the time so I guess I'm not really normal and that's okay. But I am super stable, down-to-earth and a really good person. And I still remember James even though it's been seven years. Like get over it already, right? Well it's not like that. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This picture reminds me of our first date. We sat at the park on a bench and looked at the sky and talked. It was the most beautiful evening and experience, and birthday. My 40th birthday, my gift. It was the best night ever. Seriously. I liked him from the very start; he was perfect to me. So sweet, so intelligent and mesmerizing and adorable and friendly and respectful and overall wonderful. My heart aches. I still miss him so much. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I wish I could tell James thank you, but in person. I wish I could thank him for what he showed me. I so wish I could have a totally open conversation with him where I could tell him, "Yep this is how it was for me," and explain that knowing him, the connection I shared with him back then, made me have to finally believe and accept that I am a strong manifestor and he, as my strongest mirror, showed me everything I should NEVER think, or speak or write. That if I focused on what I didn't like, or what I was scared of or worried about, or doubts, that those things would show up in my life as reality because I was creating my own life with those thoughts, beliefs, etc. He showed me that in a way I could not ignore. And I wish I could thank him for that because I saw it, clearly, and I believe it fully and I live my life by always realigning my focus to the best things I want for myself and my life. Because he showed me to do that. And it was so so so hard, challenging and painful for both of us. I put him through a lot with my energy, and I wish I could say thank you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and all I do is love you. Every day. Love you, still. Please know that I still love you, and I always will no matter what. I will go to my dying day realizing how special you are to me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It really is true what is said about "twin souls" or "twin flames." The connection is real. It lasts. I can't really explain to you what the connection is. I know that for those four years that I was in contact with James we had strong telepathy even if he didn't realize it (and he didn't need to realize it because he did his part perfectly whether he knew what was happening or not.) I could think something, or speak it, or write it down and he would typically email me and reflect that thought back to me somehow. It is an eerie experience because you suddenly realize energy is real and life is more than you ever believe it could be. Your thoughts are not your own. The universe hears them and sends you people and experiences that "mirror" what you are thinking. It's really strange when you start to actually see that happen in your life. Luckily for me James came into my life and he showed me all of my erroneous thinking and beliefs that I had to clear in order to have a very happy life. And I thank him for that. After those four years, after I stopped hearing from him, I still get signs. I get "nudges" when I don't feel like writing about him or keeping him in mind, and when I do think of him or speak of him or write about him I get the signs all over again. So the energy is still there no matter what. And I think that is very special.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I still miss him though. That's the challenging part. I wish I could walk with him and talk, and maybe hold hand. And be friendly and intimate and talk and be open and honest and I wish I could tell him that I've missed him every single day since October of 2013. Every day. Not a day has went by where I haven't thought of him. Or spoke to him in my head. Or wished I could see his lovely smile again. I imagine dancing with him, holding hands and talking, smiling, loving each other, even quiet love. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I've gained weight. Not a ton but enough that I can tell. And I'm gonna tell you why. Sometimes I still ache and I long to do whatever makes me feel good to override that ache so I eat and I still really have to work hard on not drinking too much alcohol. When I met my boyfriend Dave it was VERY hard for me. You have NO idea. I had it in my head for four years that I needed to be alone and not be with anyone else, and it was deeply ingrained into my heart and psyche that I did not want another lover besides James. Four years is a long time. But I loved him so much. And I didn't have it in me to be with someone when I loved another so much. Like how could I do that? The lack of honesty and transparency would have fucking killed me. I couldn't do it. And then I met Dave and told him all this seemingly crazy stuff about James and all he said was he understood, respected my love for James but asked me to please let him love me anyway. And I liked him which grew to loving him and caring about him and here we are. We are happy. But... I'm not always content because I still love James and I still ache. I still wish. I still miss him dearly and, no excuse, I think for a long time alcohol just helped take the edge off. So I drank. And I went out to have fun and I've gained weight. But oh well I guess it could be worse. I've been working hard on cutting back. Most of the time I do a good job. But I still ache and that can hurt. I just wish I knew him again. I wish I had him in my life. I miss my friend. My love. I'll never forget. I still love him and miss him.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It was this time when I was getting to know James. Talking every day. Planning to meet. Getting to know each other was great fun. He was so exciting and fun. Easy to talk to and he always wanted to talk. He wanted to know me, and he put the effort in. He was excited too and he showed me. He was happy to show me that he was happy to know me and wanted to know me better. Friendly, cute, special, kind, funny, talkative, responsive, respectful, open. He made me laugh. He made me hopeful. I loved knowing him. I loved having him in my life. I looked forward to hearing from him. I looked forward to hearing his voice and talking to him into the wee hours of the morning. We became buddies fast. We were like-minded in many ways. I can still remember how I felt knowing him. I remember, and it aches. Bittersweet. It was such a great exciting fun time in my life knowing James. This weather makes me think of him. Funny how memories can be so strong even seven years later. So much has happened, changed. I've said time and again on here I have a great life. I do. I have a super happy awesome life. My son totally just told me, "You are the BEST mom," and walked away. I am so blessed and fortunate to have huge love in my life. I am blessed in every way. I really am. I have a great happy life filled with so much good stuff. Yet all of that still doesn't stop the fact that I remember James and I still miss him and love him and wish I could talk with him again. I miss my friend.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I miss my sweet friend!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Jen</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXBSCAcC3usjPbuZ-7Tfm3jpSlzeP8hj025owvhHmI_t-MMnRhIBFOnq5SNhRKiNnYnIpIvrm0Ahsf1XB4VToILfFwml8_kqZ9H0wu-9KOX1GXXtSmxjmuhx2OzbX5LBV1KEuPwm9Y1W4/s500/twin-flame-stages-3.jpg.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXBSCAcC3usjPbuZ-7Tfm3jpSlzeP8hj025owvhHmI_t-MMnRhIBFOnq5SNhRKiNnYnIpIvrm0Ahsf1XB4VToILfFwml8_kqZ9H0wu-9KOX1GXXtSmxjmuhx2OzbX5LBV1KEuPwm9Y1W4/s0/twin-flame-stages-3.jpg.webp" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><p></p>Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-58894992615330289222020-07-19T20:18:00.001-07:002020-07-19T20:18:26.310-07:00As Time Goes By<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
So this is why I often push the whole "twin flame" and James situation from my head. Because when I start to think about it the floodgates open and I REMEMBER. And then I get signs. I hear all the songs.<br />
<br />
When James and I met for the first time he hugged me, first thing. We walked from our cars to greet each other. He looked SO freaking cute! And he hugged me and said, "You are just as beautiful and I knew you would be." And he asked if I wanted to go inside for a beer. He held the door for me and the song "Closer" by NIN was playing. He said something like, "Some song lyrics hold a lot of meaning, like this one." Ha! But whenever I hear that song I think of him and his sly comment. So the other night my boyfriend and I went out for dinner and on the way there and home we were playing music. He was asking me what I wanted to hear and I told him to choose because I'd chosen a few songs already. He paused and said, "What do you think of the song Closer by NIN?" Now I get it- it's a dude song. It's about sex, "I want to feel you from the inside." But he had also played "Take on Me" on the way there. When he asked me about "Closer" I got quiet and told him I'd rather not hear it. I just can't. It's so 80s and it just brings back to much for me. But those things happen a lot once I start thinking about James. I see his name everywhere. I hear the songs. I hear songs that feel like he's talking to me. It is just out of this world.<br />
<br />
I have a point. Another thing that happens is I remember James, like when we dated. How sweet he was. I remember how much he fell in love with me. Our late night conversation when he told me, "I'm already falling in love with you." Talking about marriage, how he could see us married, how he'd never been a dad but he could try, that he'd teach my son about science and help him with sports. He was genuinely a GOOD, kind, dear, sweet, understanding, patient, emotional, LOVING, cute and endearing person. He always told me he realized how waiting for an answer to an email could cause stress and he'd never want to do that to me. He went out of his way to be *responsive* to me because he knew the anxiety an unanswered text could bring to anyone. He was very aware of protecting my emotions and taking care of me. He was also very patient with me. Gentle. Unusually so. He was just so cute. But my point is to go from that to "fell off the face of the earth" STILL frustrates me because I know it wasn't HIM. I know it is not what he wanted. I know it wasn't his intention.<br />
<br />
THAT is what blows my mind, to this day. It has been almost seven years since this all happened. I started talking with James 7/31/13. It's almost seven years. And I am a grown ass woman with a lot of responsibility, a busy life, a son, a dear man in my life, a career, and I am an artist. I camp, I travel, I stay busy. If it wasn't so BIG then I'd "let go of it." But I can't. BECAUSE I KNOW HE LOVED ME. He loved me when he disappeared from my life. He loved me.<br />
<br />
It's taken these years of distance to see things very clearly. The time and distance has allowed me to get rid on most of the fear, if not all. Someone might ask, "Then why are you not with your twin" and the best answer I have is I may have KNOWN what to do but I couldn't do it. I was too afraid of "my reflection." My twin soul experience was BRUTAL. It caused me tons of inner turmoil and terror. When you have the person in your life who you love SO SO much, "The One," and that person turns out to be your biggest mirror and you have tons of fear and bullshit inside, get ready for the ride of your life on the scariest ride ever. He mirrored me so hard; it was intense and unless you've been through it you can't understand, and you'd have to believe it in order to understand. But it scared me. He scared me due to what he had to show me and I couldn't shake that fear. So it was a constant mirror of love and fear due to my love and fear. I couldn't step far enough away from it to change it.<br />
<br />
Throw in absolutely ACHING to hear from him, wanting him in my life, but he wasn't and that made me nuts. And I missed him and so many people in the twin flame community told me "You can't miss him! You can't be sad or else he won't come back" so I'd fight against missing him and it was so hard. I missed him along with loving him. I ached for him. I was so heartsick. I loved him SO much. I really did. I still do. But that yearning was horrible and it was all just so overwhelming.<br />
<br />
If I was back to say five years ago I would have allowed myself to focus more on LOVING him, and MISSING him, and letting myself grieve and cry and feel sad because that sadness cleansed me as it came from a place of love. It made me soft inside. It kept me loving, gentle and kind. It erased my fears. It was when I tried to be strong and NOT feel sad that the anger and fear took over, and it was the anger and fear that kept him away from me because "spirit" made sure he did not reach out to me when I felt that way. Or my energy did it. Something did it because I KNOW James felt badly staying away from me. I know he did. He showed me over and over again but back then I was just too immersed in my fear to be able to 100% believe it.<br />
<br />
Looking back now though I do see it. After nearly three years of near silence, not seeing each other, the weirdest communications ever, he ended up with me. I had fought with my energy, seriously fought. Wrote how badly I wanted to see him, thought about it, told the universe I had to see him and I knew he wanted to see me and one day he was just here, unexpectedly. And when he saw me he hugged me. I keep marveling over that- he HUGGED me. And I could tell by his face and his hug that he MISSED me and he didn't like this, didn't want it. He'd email me, when I had a good moment with my energy, and he'd say he missed me, that he wanted to come back, that he wanted to see me. But I'd freak out (on the inside mind you) and he'd go quiet again AND IT MADE ME CRAZY. He responded to my energy, 100%. And that reality took a very long time for me to believe fully because, come on, how "real" is it for someone to respond to your energy and thoughts? Like, is that even REAL? Turns out it is. It isn't a fairy tale and it's taught me a lot about life and to make sure I love with the purest intentions I can because my inner secret intentions and energy are always known and reflected back to me by people in my life. But James did it the hardest, the fullest, with the most intensity.<br />
<br />
To this day though I sit here and feel a type of frustration because I know that he loved me. He was actively in love with me, deeply in love with me, and I know he wanted to stay with me. I know it hurt him to leave. I know he missed me and ached for me, and that makes me sad. When we were together last we made love and he touched me so tenderly, touched my face and kissed me while being intimate with me. And afterwards he held me and while it was SUPER FUCKING WEIRD because I'd waited nearly three years for that moment at the same time it was obvious he tremendously missed me, wanted that moment too. Ugh he asked if we could hang out and spend the day together soon. He was sweet and kind, James, my James. It won't go away, the feeling of "But I know he loved me" and love doesn't just go away. It can simmer, lay low, but when nothing happens to change love- it remains. He knew I am a good person. I must have seemed a bit crazy at times (God did I let my fear get to me, big time) but I was never mean. I just insisted that I knew he loved me.<br />
<br />
And you know what, never ONE TIME did he deny that! And at the end he finally told me, "You are right! I do love you. I always have." He said he wanted to be with me. And the last time I heard from him was a call from him, again unexpected, where he let me know... he wanted to be with me.<br />
<br />
I'm not exactly sure what I did. If I pulled away from the energy too much in the end. I wanted him back so much but I was also lonely and thought about how nice it would be to date someone, be with someone who was actually here. I suppose I was being "a runner" on the inside. At that time someone left a comment on my blog telling me "You are the runner" and I feel it was a message I was supposed to hear. After that I tried desperately for the next year to focus on my energy, release my anger energy, be only love, clear myself, and hold on to James. I had multiple really nice men ask me out and I told them no because I was in love with someone else. I TRIED so hard. I was militant. But a year later I'd heard nothing and then I met my boyfriend, when I totally was not looking in any way shape or form, and here I am- three years later.<br />
<br />
But all along... I've missed James. When I met Dave I wanted James. I told Dave all about James. Thank God David is as patient, kind and understanding as a saint. And he loves me so much, so much that he accepts my love for someone else along with my love for him. But I still miss James. I remember his sweetness and how much in love we were, and that love never ended. The physical closeness did but that love never ended. WE never ended. There was no "end." I don't think there was supposed to be. I know the love was there.<br />
<br />
I wish I could talk to him. I hope he feels my love for him, still.<br />
<br />
JenRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-28448475949874693372020-07-14T10:58:00.002-07:002020-07-14T10:58:29.788-07:00In My Heart, Still<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I Won't Give Up on Us</div>
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How's everyone? I hope anyone who might read this is doing well in all ways. I know this has been a challenging time for most people, physically, emotionally and mentally. I hope you are well, healthy and happy.<br />
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Years back when I felt I was going through a "twin soul" or twin flame experience I came across a few really good resources. One was a psychic who totally knew her stuff and had been through the experience herself. I mentioned her before on my blog because one day she told me she could no longer talk to me because my higher self didn't want her to, and she basically hung up after telling me to follow my own strong guidance. I wish I had done so. I wish I hadn't been so scared of my own reflection being shined at me through James, my sweet James.<br />
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One thing she told me was that twin souls, the people who end up in these connections, are very strong manifestors. We have very strong energy. She said if we use our energy right we can have only goodness in life if we manifest it. And I've learned over these last few years that she was 100% correct. I manifest very quickly. I have to be careful to only ask for what I really want, and I have to be careful not to let myself complain or bitch or sink into lower energy because then I bring experiences to me that I don't want. I take very seriously affirming my life in order to make sure I keep only goodness coming to me, and it comes quickly. So throughout this COVID 19 situation I've actually been living my best life. I'm working from home with tons of freedom and I LOVE IT. I love being with my son, being home, hanging out, having the freedom to work in the house in between zoom calls, make nice dinners, sit outside on my deck with the laptop while my son plays or we have a bon fire or we cook outside, etc. It's been absolutely wonderful. I've had an income, we are healthy, and it's been perfectly awesome. Life has been amazing. I know that's not the case for everyone and my heart goes out to those who are struggling but for me I am grateful for the blessed times I've had. I'd like to work like this for the remainder of my career and I do believe I can create ANYTHING I want to as long as I really focus on it and on positive energy. So that's where I am right now, and I hope the same for anyone who might be reading this.<br />
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I do still miss James. I do a really good job of putting it out of my mind though, and I do that often. I am enjoying my life. I've been on vacation. I have a cabin on a creek. I love my free time. I have tons of good strong love in my life, dear friends, family and a sweet boyfriend who absolutely adores me and treats me amazingly well. So I kinda go with my life. It hurts too much to look back at what was, and it hurts to wish for something that I don't have so I tend to not do it. I don't spend much time writing about James or thinking about him. But then I get reminders. And I "feel" him or I get a huge memory of him and it aches. It still aches. I still miss him but because sometimes it hurts to miss someone so much I push it away. But it is still there. I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could sit down and see his smiling face and have a nice sweet kind conversation with James again. I imagine that he would still think I am beautiful and he would think I am as wonderful as he did before. I just know he would because that's how the connection is. I tend to think one of the reasons why we have not magically reconnected is because I pay it little attention, give it no manifestation energy and since we attract to us what we focus on... with no focus I'm not sure it will ever happen.<br />
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But that doesn't mean I don't wish for it to. I'm still with the same man I met three years ago, Dave. He is a sweet man. He still stands firm in that if somehow I were to connect with James again he would want me to have a conversation with him, see him again, spend time with him and see how it feels, how James feels, what the universe would bring to us. So I shouldn't feel guilty but I guess sometimes I do because I know how much Dave loves me, and YES I realize it sounds like a fairy tale but I've had people tell me their twin souls have reached out to them ten years later. So it could happen. I KNOW it could, and I firmly believe it could, one day. But I feel in my heart it only would if I "bring" it to me. And I tend to just enjoy my life as it is now and fly through life being happy for my now. <br />
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Once in a while, like now, it hits me though. My long-time friend who also has a twin soul feels the same about her guy. We still think of them and we know none of this was ever "normal." They loved us. A lot. James loved me a ton. We were perfect together, absolutely perfect... although I did need to learn a ton about myself, about life, about manifestation energy, about creating, about being a good person, an honest person, about feeling safe being ME and glorifying in being ME. In loving myself and allowing myself to be loved. To trust in love, to trust when someone showed me he truly was falling deeply in love with me. To realize I WAS WORTH IT. That I am worth it. I can't really wish to go back because Dave really needed me in his life to help him through after his wife died. I can't be that selfish to wish these last seven years hadn't happened. But I do wish I could sit down with James knowing that I was always worth staying for. That I was what he wanted, a life with ME. I was worth it! I feel sad for the Jennifer I was back then, so scared that I wasn't "enough" to stay for, to make a life with. I always worried that I would "love him more than he loved me." *sigh* I don't let myself look back too far because some of the choices I made for myself before I met James are painful to remember so I don't let myself. I just honor who I am right now: honest, pure, worthy, loveable, healthy, full of self love, a strong sense of self-worth. A good loving mother who tries her best. A good human. Meeting James changed me a lot, thankfully, and my deep strong militant love for him helped protect me through some dark times where I could have made bad choices for myself but I kept reminding myself... I had been loved so purely, so wonderfully, so innocently, so PERFECTLY in my short time with James and I didn't want to tarnish that. I didn't want to back track. When you meet a man who is only interested in BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE, who says he will wait for you, until you're ready, who wants nothing more to just hold you and spend time with you and talk to you and email and call on the phone and talk for hours... and who doesn't pressure you for more- you hold on to that love even when it is no longer physically with you. That's how it was for me. I held on to that love and no matter how low I sank, how much I hurt, how badly I wanted to just throw myself into someone else to erase the ache for a moment- I wouldn't let myself go backwards to "less" than that perfect love.<br />
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That's one thing I can say about all of this. THANK GOD I waited and honored that love. It took me four years after James to allow myself to love someone else, and he is a good man. A damn good man who desperately needed to be loved as well. I am thankful that I didn't "go backwards." I listened to my soul when it told me "maybe you shouldn't do that" within those four years while I was healing and grieving and falling apart only to be put back together in a more healthy balanced BRIGHT way. And I heard my soul tell me when it was finally okay to let myself be loved by Dave. Although it wasn't easy. I missed James the first time Dave kissed me and I miss him still. I still love James. I've found we can love two people at once, and I do. And it's okay. My heart still longs for him though. I can remember his cute smile, his bright beautiful blue eyes and how he would reach out to gently touch my face with a smile before he would kiss me. I remember our sweet long kisses, like making out like teenagers kisses, hours on my couch just kissing. Those were sweet moments, and I miss James. I miss our conversations about the universe. I miss him telling me I am made of stardust. I miss the youthful bounce to his step, how he was so cute and funny and friendly and he made me laugh, a lot. So talkative and sweet. A perfect fit. My buddy and my love. I became good friends with him and it is so so hard when a friend is suddenly gone so I still grieve. <br />
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I'm still in a "twin soul" connection even after all of this time. So for anyone reading this- don't think I've forgotten because I haven't. I've had to get on with my life, for my own sake and the sake of my son. I HAD to. Living like I was, staying alone while ACHING every day for this person who was not with me, would have eventually done me in. I think I was alone for long enough and had to move forward but that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving James. I love him. I wish the best for him. I hope he's been happy and well loved himself because all I want for him is happiness. <br />
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But I still wish he was part of my life. <br />
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I love you. I miss you. I really do. I wish you could see my son, talk with him for a while. He loves rocks, is a huge fan of geology and he wants to be a NASA scientist. You'd have a great conversation with him. <br />
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"There's a place in my heart though we're far apart. May you always know. No matter since I saw you I keep a flame there for you where ever I go."<br />
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xxoo<br />
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Be well<br />
<br />
Jen<br />
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Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-12216549835698299602020-02-28T15:18:00.002-08:002020-02-28T15:25:02.090-08:00My Sweetest Friend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZzHGVeU6sT3zLm13PAt7iUJiV1kwh308gidbwDbVgTpENAfc_4pL_JSvmxjV3FO1_ofDJzIj-yS8DGBIZvg-xrAmhldJZChe-xE66P1Xtb5XFry14NYThVwLrXiFqlyz-E9FkIOVXatY/s1600/Dark+Brew2saturatedclean.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1233" data-original-width="1600" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZzHGVeU6sT3zLm13PAt7iUJiV1kwh308gidbwDbVgTpENAfc_4pL_JSvmxjV3FO1_ofDJzIj-yS8DGBIZvg-xrAmhldJZChe-xE66P1Xtb5XFry14NYThVwLrXiFqlyz-E9FkIOVXatY/s400/Dark+Brew2saturatedclean.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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This is my favorite lady that I've drawn. Currently I'm drawing and sewing with a goal to sew clothes that I embellish myself with my drawings and art. I'll get there. Learning to sew is fun but not necessarily simple.<br />
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I've been moody. I get sad.<br />
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Oddly enough this blog has like 750,000 views. That is crazy to me. I can only hope that this strange blog has helped a few people. What I hope is anyone who stumbles across this realizes is I really am a fairly normal, well-adjusted, kind, loving, successful 46 year-old woman and mother of an ADORABLE ten year-old son. I've got a great job, happy life, own my home, drive a nice car... basically what I am saying is I am very stable. Even though this blog reads like I must be nuts- I'm not, at all. I know what I've experienced has been very real. I know that when I think about something it often happens, or the thing/person/experience comes to me once I think about it, especially if I think hard. Especially if there is a lot of emotion involved. I know that my experience with James was filled with strong energy and was like magic would pop into my real life, like it was at times so "out of this world" and unreal, the things that would happen, supernatural really. Yet I know those things really did happen, even if looking back it sometimes blows my mind. I hold the entire experience, even though parts were difficult, close to my heart. I protect that reality and I won't even write it off as "Maybe I imagined parts of it." I've deleted all the communication between me and James. Well, not all. I actually have some of our original messages to each other. From when we dated. I have my old iPhone from back then. It is sitting on my dresser. About once a year I charge it and read the texts, and look at the pictures- there is a photo of James standing by the Chicago River, a photo I took on our date, and he looks So. Darn. Adorable. OMG, the cutest, sweetest thing ever! So so so so cute- it melts my heart but also breaks my heart!!! The only thing I have not done in a very long time is listen to his old voicemail messages. He used to call me and leave me super sweet messages telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was. I just can't. Maybe one day I'll power up that phone and listen to him calling me after I'd fallen asleep, after we'd talked for three hours, and he told me... "I love you." To this day- it feels like someone squeezes the shit out of my heart when I remember. <br />
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Sometimes it is bittersweet. I don't always understand it. When I think about James, especially if I write about him (which I don't very often these days,) I will get signs. I'll hear James Taylor's "Sweet Baby James" or songs will play that remind me of James. It always happens. But I feel like if I just stopped thinking about him, blocked it out, then I'd get no signs and it would all just disappear.<br />
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That's why I don't really think that "twin flames" will ALWAYS come back together. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe some day out of the blue he'll reach out to me but I'm just not sure. I feel like I'd have to focus really hard on that and maybe *poof* one day he'd think, "Maybe I should call her or see her and talk with her."<br />
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Really what is, and will always be, the most bittersweet part about all of this is I had him right here with me. We were a good couple. We had fun together. We had no "ending." When he left he said to me, "This isn't goodbye. This is until we see each other again." I was still his girlfriend. Nothing changed. HE LOVED ME. I'm not in denial. I've had men in my life tell me "I'm just not that into you" and I'm okay with that. I GET it. People don't always click. But James and I, we clicked. STRONGLY. Strong clicks. Lots of clicks. We talked for hours and hours. Our conversations went on well into the night. When we were together we kissed and kissed and talked and kissed. No TV playing, no distractions. It was just us enjoying each other's company. I miss him. I honestly just miss James. There was no closure. There was never, not once, a time when that man ever denied loving me. And I know it is because he DID love me. He never stopped loving me. And despite all of the really strange shit that went on- ridiculous stuff that I knew I was creating- he was never able to deny his love for me. One of the last things he told me was that I was right, he'd always loved me.<br />
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It's really painful to get to know someone, get close with a person, fall deeply in love with a person, start feeling like that person could be your future, and then suddenly that person is 100% gone. I can't explain how much it hurts. I wish I could go back and worry less, believe more, enjoy more, let go of the fear of rejection, fear of being so easily let go of.<br />
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I HATE THAT MY FEARS BECAME MY REALITY WITH JAMES.<br />
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I mean, I know it taught me a lot. It finally showed me that manifestation is 100% real and I have to be super careful with my energy. I *swear* sometimes I feel like I literally make things happen. If I am in a tiff then my coffee might spill or I'll trip or something like that. And when I'm very careful to be positive and grateful then life flows more smoothly than ever; people are super nice to me, stuff falls into place, and life just works out for me. So I really am very aware of my energy and protecting it. Not that I'm perfect but I do my best. And I started REALLY believing in manifestation once the shit hit the fan with James. So I have to be thankful that I was shown, but damn... that doesn't stop the ache any. I still miss him. After all this time I still freaking love him and wish I knew him again.<br />
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I've been more moody and emotional these last few weeks. As I stated above I don't write very often anymore, and I especially don't write much about James. I wonder if I did would it make me feel better? If I used that as an outlet instead of trying to ignore how I feel? Because I do. I push it down and try to ignore how much I miss him. I focus on enjoying my life, being happy with the goodness in my life, and I try to overlook that one thing that I don't have, the loss that makes me ache. Because, you know, we are supposed to focus on what we have, right? But when I ignore how I feel it gets all bottled up and then overflows and I get moody, and then I cry.<br />
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I wish I could go back and just be thankful for my gift. I wish I could go back knowing what I know now. I'd ignore any doubts and simply embrace the wonderfulness of being in love with each other. It was special. It was real. It was pure. It was good. He was respectful and caring of me. He was patient and kind. He was such a good man. A very good man.<br />
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My son tells me he wants to be a Geologist and a NASA scientist. My son is so sweet. But I have to laugh. James is a Geologist. PJ would like James. I remember James asked PJ what his favorite insect is and PJ said, "An ant." And now he has an ant farm. He is fascinated with ants. It's painful to want to talk to someone so much and to not have that person in my life. I just wish we could talk, like really sit down and catch up and smile and laugh and be kind to each other and enjoy each others company like we did before. I wish I could experience the James I knew when we dated, when we were together, when we met. That giddy, silly, lighthearted, fun, exciting, loving, kind and wonderful friendship we had together. I miss my friend.<br />
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I'm having a hard time with this right now. It comes in waves, really. I'll be fine and then all of a sudden I feel so sad, aching, missing him, wishing I could know him again.<br />
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It hurts and I try so hard to ignore it and Just. Be. Happy.<br />
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I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing. Telling myself it's my past, keep it in the past, and finally let go of it all? Ignore it? That thought makes me so sad. Maybe I should just keep on loving him and honoring that love and even hoping that one day I will see his beautiful smiling face again and hear his sweet voice and be able to talk with him like we used to, with smiles and laughter and silliness and joyfulness.<br />
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GAH! If anything it reminds me to always make sure to keep my energy in check and leave any shady dark feelings at the door. Sometimes I get frustrated and moody and then I have a tendency to have brief bouts of anger, which I really try to avoid by any means. In my opinion it is better for me to feel sad over missing him, cry a little, feel a bit of heartache than feel irritated. But what happens is when I ignore my heart THEN I get angry. When I push it all down, avoid thinking about James, close my heart off to my very real desire to know him again *then* eventually I get frustrated and irritated and it all boils up and I ask myself when I feel so moody and sooner than later I having a crying spell and usually I feel better, because I allow myself to cry over him, over how much I miss him and still love him.<br />
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If there is anyone in the midst of a separation, the one huge piece of advice I would give you is please realize this is NOT about the "relationship." Yes it is about the LOVE. And it is fine to hope to be together some day. It is fine to hold on. It is fine to miss your twin soul/twin flame. But avoid blaming your twin. Avoid thinking negative stuff about him (or her.) I wish people experiencing this connection could understand that anything you think about your twin will become reality. So think the best, and block out any fears, doubts, etc. I know it's scary and challenging but it is super important. They don't mean it. They are stuck being our mirrors, and the entire situation isn't easy on either person. I will always believe that James actually wanted to have me in his life. I know in my heart that this was all... not of this earth, not the reality we think of, and all based on strong energy and all along he loved me and missed me too. I feel like I actually kept him away from me due to all of the crazy shit I thought inside, and that sucks. I wish I could go back and clean that thinking up- if I knew then what I know now it would be very different.<br />
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I've often thought of writing a book about twin flames, about my experience and what it taught me. But I want the happy ending that is in my heart. I want to end the book with "And we hugged and talked and were happy, loving and good to each other."<br />
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I still love and miss my sweet friend, my sweetest friend, so much. Thank you for allowing me to share that here because here I can share it all; I have for so long. <br />
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Come to me my sweetest friend. Can you feel my heart again. Come to me with secrets bared. I love you more so don't be scared. I'll take you back where you belong and this will be your favorite song.<br />
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My sweetest friend. He used to call me his future. Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-54244278999088789322020-02-02T13:12:00.002-08:002020-02-02T13:12:24.906-08:00Never Goes Away<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Obviously I don't write here often anymore. I don't have much to say as it pertains to twin souls or twin flames. I wish I could tell you that James and I have had some type of "reunion" but that hasn't happened. I have a very good blessed life, and I thankful for the life I have. My life is filled with love. <br />
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Despite all the goodness I still miss James a lot. Yesterday my friend Beverly came over to visit with me. She is by far my dearest friend, and she understands me. My boyfriend and I are engaged. And people are wondering why I am not "gleeful" and squeeing it out all over my Facebook page. Bev says she thinks I am in turmoil, and in a way I am. Why? Because I dreamed of something different. I dreamed of being married to James. I've always wanted it to be James. But I live in the here and now, and my boyfriend Dave is a dear man. He truly is, and he loves me so much, and I feel like I am meant to be in his life, in the here and now.<br />
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It is really difficult for me to express how I feel. I feel... unnerved. Unsettled. Just now I started crying and I needed to come and blog. Bev has ALWAYS believing my experience with James; she even dreamed of him once. She dreamed he came to one of our big friend parties and everyone was able to meet him. Just like my sister dreamed of our wedding. I wanted those experiences so badly, and I am still not "over it." I'm not. Even after all of this time I still feel melancholy about him. I love James. I hope he's happy, wherever he is. I don't know anything about his life right now. I only remember the man I met and fell hard in love with, the best love I've ever been in.<br />
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W can't hide from our hearts. I can't hide from my heart. My heart knows the inner truest depths of how I feel. Yes I am happy. Yes I love Dave. I guess I feel like since there is no James in my life then it is inevitable that I will marry David one day. As I always say, he is a very good man and I love him. I care about Dave deeply, and I do love him. But GOD DAMN it is so fucking hard to still love this other man, and to wonder where he is, and to dream about him, and to... remember him so clearly, and to yearn to hear from him and know him again.<br />
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I still wish I could meet James again and sit down to talk with him. I wish we could talk, like really truthfully honestly talk. The man I met the night I turned 40- he was a sweet dear dreamboat of a man. And I miss him. I've been feeling off kilter for the last few days, and I think now I realize it's because I am trying to ignore my heart, push away how I feel because IT IS NOT CONVENIENT. What would be convenient is to enjoy my life, be happy, be happy in love, be excited to get married, plan how and when we are going to get married, feel light-hearted about it all, and revel in the fact that this dear man David thinks I am perfection and loves me with all of his heart. But I am finding it really hard to let go. It hurts. I am torn. <br />
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How am I torn? I guess I feel better living with Dave, loving him, sharing life with him without thinking about tomorrow or making societal commitments. I'm super struggling. I want to see James again so badly. Even thought I don't write much in my journal anymore, and I don't really do anything to try (with my energy) to clear the connection or "reach out to him" with my mind/heart/energy- I still miss him. And I think what happens is I push all of that stuff to the side and all of a sudden it all hits me so hard. <br />
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My son wants to be a Geologist. Of course he does. He's in love with rocks right now, and all he wants to do is prospect and find gems and learn about them. He's a huge Minecraft fan and he likes to take it "into the real world" by learning about stones, finding them, etc. I miss my Geologist. I miss the conversations I had with James. They were so inspiring; he was so inspiring. And he was so sweet to me. I ache because I still know in my heart that he loved me dearly, and that love never really went anywhere. I could tell the last time I heard his voice that he still loved me. And I have to think that he must still think of me from time to time. He was really in love with me after we met and spent time together. He was excited about knowing me. I remember all that. And nothing changed. Nothing changed! It was all so mystical and weird but nothing changed. <br />
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So yes, this still bothers me. I just don't write much because I don't have a lot to say, and I wish it could be different. I wish I could talk to James. I don't know what would happen after that but I wish, oh how I wish, to sit and talk with my friend again. I have these two different scenarios, right? I feel like if I were to sit and talk with James again only one of two things could happen. <br />
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1- we'd sit and talk and James would be the same kind sweet man I knew when I met him. Kind of like all of the crazy never happened. I had moments like that over the years after he was gone- all of a sudden we'd reconnect and it would be like ALL of the weirdness never happened. It wouldn't be mentioned at all, or he'd gloss over it and it would be all normal and good and loving and kind- strange but I learned to accept that none of this has been normal, and that can happen. Once the energy is clear (and focused only on truth and love) then it all just falls back into place. So I feel like there would be chance we'd sit and talk and he'd tell me he still thinks of me and how have I been, and boy I still look pretty, and he'd be sweet and kind and he'd still like me, a lot. <br />
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And then there is 2- I think what I want most is this: I want to be able to sit and talk with James like two grown adults, respectfully, and totally honestly. I wish I could tell him that... I know it seemed really crazy. And even if he didn't exactly experience the things that I did (the cause and effect, me being the cause and he being the effect) I realize what was happening, even if I don't understand why exactly it was with him, and I learned from it, and I'm sorry, and I've missed him. I want to be able to hug him and tell him I've never experienced pain like I have from missing him. That I've missed him every single day since we parted and I've never forgotten him and I've always loved him, no matter what. That I hope he's very happy and enjoying his life. I hope he is loved. James is the type of man who enjoys being in a loving committed relationship and I hope he's been loved by someone wonderful, who truly loves him and cares for him- he deserves that. Even so I wish I could spill it all, tell him that yes it was scary but I get it, and I love him dearly. And I miss him. I wish we could both tell each other, "Man that was some weird shit," and ACKNOWLEDGE that we really did share something "magical" even if... it was so chaotic and strange. I guess I crave having an open honest talk about what happened (not digging up details) but just to say, "Damn it was strange- I could mention you here where I am and you'd immediately comment on it via email even though you had no "real life" idea what I'd said- like, we are that connected." Or were. Are we still now? I don't know. Maybe?<br />
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I'm not sure what happens with "twin souls." I'm not sure what to think about this concept of twin souls. I don't know if it was James because I prayed so hard for EXACTLY him and then he was so strongly energetically connected to me that the entire experience revolved around that manifestation aspect, the cause and effect between us because we were a couple and I thought about him constantly and with tons or energy and emotion... and maybe that is "all" a "twin flame" is. I don't know. Whatever he is to me he made a huge impact in my life and I miss him dearly. I miss my friend. I remember our long chats well into the night. I remember our first AMAZING kiss, OMG. I can't help it. I'd love to kiss him again. I miss his face, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, and I miss his tender touch and his kisses, and his hugs. <br />
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I wish all along, when we were apart, I would have just let myself MISS him, even if it meant being sad. Instead of being afraid or thinking the worst or all of that. THAT was what kept him away from me, and I would, to this day, bet my life on that knowledge. Had I trusted him, held on only to him being a good man, not doubted, etc. then a lot of the crazy would not have happened. What a hard lesson to learn.<br />
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I can only tell myself that I will again see him one day and talk with him and it will be friendly and loving and kind, the same energy as when we met. The same sweet connection, the friendship, the laughter, the joy, the bliss. I will always love James. Nothing in my life changes that fact.<br />
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Again, sometimes it hurts. It all comes rushing up to me and I can't deny that I miss him still. James was one of the very best things to ever happen to me, and I wish I still had him as part of my life. I miss my friend and my love.<br />
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I can't help my love, my heart. I really can't.<br />
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xxoo<br />
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JenniferRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-68668558134450098452019-11-22T16:42:00.002-08:002019-11-22T16:42:45.500-08:00My Sweetest Friend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I heard the song "Come to Me" again yesterday. I don't know if it was just an accident or if I was meant to hear it. It will always remind me of James, always. Every part of that song speaks to me. But I think the part that gets me most is:<br />
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Come to me my sweetest friend. Can you feel my heart again?<br />
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"My sweetest friend." I don't think I am eloquent enough to explain how those words make me feel. James was my friend. Yes he was my boyfriend for a short time, and my lover for an even shorter time but he was my FRIEND. I MISS my friend! I miss my friend so much! So when I hear that song, those words, it makes my heart melt.<br />
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My sweetest friend. I miss my sweetest friend. Yes it's been a while. I know that. But when you love someone I guess that love lasts forever. I love hard. Always have. And apparently my heart has the capacity to love more than one person at a time. Because I will always love James, no matter what.<br />
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Yeah I know this blog must sound like the ramblings of a really weird woman. I get it. I have a boyfriend but MAN at least when I go to sleep at night I know I've been honest and true to my heart. I was able to express my love for James this whole time, and maybe that might not seem like a lot to anyone else but it is huge for me, to be able to be honest about my love. I still love him. And I will always wish that I could see him, talk with him and know him again.<br />
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I wish I could hug James again.<br />
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Maybe it is the holidays. I don't know. I just miss him. I wish I could see his face. His beautiful face and gorgeous blue eyes and sweet smile. I remember his touch. How when he would lean into kiss me he would place his hand on the side of my face and lean my face into his kiss with a smile. I can't help it. I remember, and I miss him.<br />
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I've never enjoyed kissing anyone like I enjoyed kissing him. I have learned that I can love again but my heart will never love like I loved James. <br />
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Twin Soul? I don't know. I can't label it. All I know is no one else has been my full mirror like James, and yeah he showed me a lot of myself that I didn't want to see but I needed to and I do my best to shift around. But you know what aches? On a purely human level? When we met we had both been with people who were not our perfect match. He'd been hurt a bit too. And he told me when he met me he'd finally found the woman he had been hoping and wishing for. We were a perfect fit. We talked for hours. We could sit in a room talking, hugging, kissing for hours needing nothing but each other. No TV. No cell phones. Nothing but each other. We text, called and emailed all the time and never got tired of hearing from each other. I KNOW that man loved hearing for me. That is what makes it, to this day, unbelievable. I KNOW James enjoyed talking with me and knowing me. I KNOW he loved me. I know it. Maybe I had a hard time believing it back then but looking back, I know he loved me dearly. He thought I was wonderful. He just really really loved me. I know that. Time has passed but I feel like... he must think of me. Because what we shared was perfection and it never really ended.<br />
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I must be fucking stubborn to a fault. Believe me many days I consider... maybe it's time. But I just can't. I can't "let go." I NEED truth. I need to speak with James again. I will finally feel settled when I speak with him and he sounds like the sweet kind thoughtful caring gentle loving peaceful friendly funny generous considerate respectful dear dear man I met, knew and fell in love with. I swear if I could hear from him, speak with him, and experience that man again- I might be okay. I need to have that reflection.<br />
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If he was my reflection then, then when I had so much shit inside of me that needed to be cleared, why can't he be my reflection now? I don't want someone else to be my reflection NOW. James was the one to show me all of THAT, and I have worked so fucking hard to clear myself of the muck and the mud and the darkness and the anger. I have tried to be SO conscious. I do my very best to ignore anything negative or low and focus only on the positive, on my blessings, on being loving and kind. I wish James could pop back into my life and be a reflection of who I am now.<br />
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I believe my current boyfriend is my reflection. That is why he thinks I am so sweet. But I want James to come back to me and be able to show me that too. He was my mirror then and I want him to do the same now, now when I am more clear and happy and sound and peaceful and grateful. <br />
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I want my friend back. Dear God please I want my friend back in my life. My loving endearing kind gentle wonderful adorable friend.<br />
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Come to my my sweetest friend. I think of you all the time. I hope you are well and I miss you.<br />
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JenniferRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-64641624751214618002019-11-19T13:27:00.000-08:002019-11-19T13:27:05.385-08:00I Should Have Hugged You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Man I still think about James. Not as often, and it doesn't really hurt like it used to. Some of that is because my life is super happy right now. I am fulfilled. I have a great family, wonderful friends, my son is such a darling, my career is amazing, I'm sewing and drawing and making wonderful stuff and I have a very sweet loving kind boyfriend in my life. So my life is full, and my mind is full. I don't think about James as much as I used to.<br />
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Then sometimes I hear a song or see something like this and my heart melts. I think back to the last time I saw him when he came to see me. And it was SO weird, so unreal, so shocking and all of that- I was taken off guard. I wish I could go back and do it over again. There are things I would change. I would have just let him embrace me and not said a word. Kissed him and owned it. Kissed him and told God inside that see I knew he's loved me all along and couldn't wait to kiss me again. I could FEEL his longing for me. It was there. And it wasn't a sexual longing but instead a longing to be near me, to hold me again.<br />
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If I could do it over I would just sit there and kiss him and hug him, no worries, no doubts, no fears.<br />
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And before he left that night I wish I would have hugged him tighter and harder. I had no idea it was going to be the last time I would see his face in... three years now? I miss his face. No matter how good life is, how much love I have in my life, I still miss James' beautiful face. <br />
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I remember he sent me a message once, after being gone for a long time, and he told me he wished he could come back and be "intimate" with me again. I love that choice of word, intimate. It's so special, soft and caring. A cuddle is intimate. I soft gentle late-night conversation is intimate. Kissing is intimate. Foreheads together smiling at each other is intimate. <br />
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Intimate.<br />
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Hugging is intimate.<br />
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I wish I would have hugged you longer the last time I saw you.<br />
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I wish I could hug you again.<br />
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I miss your sweet kind smile. <br />
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JenRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-78824166419704550372019-10-18T12:56:00.002-07:002019-10-18T12:56:42.757-07:00Memories<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I heard this song not long ago and it really made me think. The words explain my heart. He sings that we can cheer for those who are with us right now and still think of those who are not with us now. But one part where he sings that he can't pick up the phone and call right now but will one day, man, that hit me hard.<br />
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I wish I was in contact with James. I will always wish that. I miss my friend. I miss talking with him, laughing with him, sharing with him and seeing his smile. I heard another song today, one that really reminds me, and I have not heard it in a long time so it grabbed my attention. And I cried which I rarely do over this situation any longer.<br />
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My life is super happy, as I've said. I honestly try to live my best life. I've learned to always lean towards being loving, kind, grateful and positive as often as possible, if not always. Life flows a lot smoother that way. We leave for Disney World Sunday morning. I am SO blessed, and I realize this and I am thankful for it, truly.<br />
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The other night my boyfriend Dave and I were together when my friend Lori text me. Lori is my "twin soul" friend who I've known for about 5 years now. We've walked this path together, thank God. She is like me, super independent, strong, happy, loving, has a great life. But she still gets signs of her twin soul. And she still loves him. So sometimes we reach out to each other when the signs are strong, or we have a dream, or just those times when our hearts might ache a little more than others.<br />
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Dave asked me, "Is everything okay?" and I told him yes, that it was Lori texting me. And we began talking about James. I told Dave I know I have not said anything about James in a long time, and that's because Dave is SO good to me so I feel like I should just keep it to myself, but that it's still there. Dave is such an amazing man. He again told me if someday I were to see James again he understands all of it, and he agreed from the beginning to understand and respect my heart and feelings.<br />
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So I tell myself to live each day like this song- to love, embrace, accept, enjoy and be grateful for all the love I have in my life right now. But at the same time allow myself the dream of seeing James again. I still think about him every day. I get frustrated because I know what was true for us: he loved me greatly, and that love never ended. I know it might seem crazy but I remember after allllll the time that passed, all the weirdness that happened, months in almost years of quiet and STILL he reached out to me and told me that I was right, he loved me and always had. I knew that, and I still believe it now.;<br />
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My prayer is one day one of those "miracles" happen where somehow my heart, my thoughts, my intentions, my energy are clear and aligned to a point where James can reach out to me. I kinda gave up trying to reach out "in real life." I know that doesn't work unless things are aligned, and I guess I just... I dunno. I have more faith that he'll reach out on his own when/if that times comes. I have hope that one day it will happen.<br />
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This song "Memories" though, wow. It is exactly how I feel. I can't help but miss him. I still do. <br />
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JenRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-47161516978143327872019-10-02T10:00:00.004-07:002019-10-02T10:23:32.790-07:00What I'm Doing Now<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is my art. For years I've always loved colorful fun paintings of women's faces. I would try to draw and UGH it looked horrid. I chalked it up to not having much skill in drawing. But then one day I saw a book at the art store called "Drawing Beautiful Faces" so I bought it and started practicing and found that I love drawing ladies' faces but in a very whimsical fantastical way. The book and also a Youtube video taught me how to chart where the features should be placed on the face. That helped a lot!<br />
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I don't like drawing bodies or clothes so I avoid that, just faces is what appeals to me. And some little fun animals. I have more art supplies that JoAnn's and Michael's combined so there is no lack of stuff in my house to keep me busy. I'm also making art journals and I hope by this time next year to do selling my stuff in art shows. <br />
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It helps keep me busy and my mind in the right place.<br />
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I love Halloween and have decided to sell my art under the name "One Salty Witch." <br />
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Although this one is sassy as well as salty.<br />
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Yes I still think about James. I've written on and off about him here, and I still have one really good female "twin soul friend" I met about 5 years ago; she and I still believe in our journey and we still chat about the signs we get and the hope that one day we will be able to know these two sweet men again. It is still very difficult for me to come to terms with because I've never lost anyone close to me before. I may not have known James for very long but I did get extremely close to him. When you read about how a twin flame gets very VERY close to you and then is suddenly gone, well that is what happened to me. It is six years later. I've had a variety of men I've loved in my life and STILL James made the largest impact on me. I fell entirely in love with him, and that love has never left me. I've never gotten over the fact that one day he was in my life, hardcore, and the next *poof* disappeared. Yes, I still... ache over that loss. I grieve, in my own private way.</div>
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I still miss James a lot. My heart aches for him. I think the *only* thing that could ever change that is if he was in my life again, if I knew him again like I did when we met. THEN my heart would feel better. Until that day I will have this yearning. I've never ever believed that if it "hurts" then it is a bad thing. I don't feel that we can help how our hearts feel, our emotions, especially when coming from the place of deeply loving someone who is no longer in your life, are not really controllable.</div>
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I do spend time here and there reminding myself of our good times. I DEFINITELY enjoy the life I am living right now. I make sure to enjoy every day and love dearly those people who are in my life. I don't take that for granted while longing for something I don't have. I love, respect and enjoy what I do have but at the same time I also still wish to know James again. I want to talk to him, like sit down and just have a normal real honest conversation with him. It's always felt so abnormal when that stopped happening. It always will feel "wrong" to me, abnormal, "not of this world." I hope one day that changes and I hear from him and we can meet and hug and talk like two people who care about each other. I still hope and pray for that miracle to happen.</div>
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I'll always believe James is a special soul connection to me, definitely the strongest soul connection I've had. Whether I label it a twin soul or twin flame or whatever- doesn't really matter. It is more the connection I know we had where I would think something and he would know it, and all the rest of the magic we shared. Like... how can someone I was that close with physically, emotionally and even energetically be just gone? I really hope one day to get the affirmation I long for, to have him back in my life, to know he's that special connection, the one that never breaks, the one that can always somehow someway come back. </div>
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Reunion. I want that. Re-union. We had union and I want it back. </div>
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I still love him and miss him dearly. I think that's why my ladies have a wistful look. At the same time I really do stay full of positive loving energy, as much as I can! I do love my life a lot. I just wish James could be part of it. </div>
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xxoo</div>
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Jen</div>
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Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-57741569394323468842019-08-21T17:28:00.002-07:002019-08-21T17:28:58.502-07:00Happy Birthday!Today is James' birthday. I wish him a very happy, joyous, peaceful birthday spent with those he loves. It has been a while since we met and I realize how weird it seems that I'm here after all these years but no one has had more impact on me than him so here I am.<div>
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Happy birthday. Thank you for being my twin soul. No matter where you are right now I will love you forever for all you've done for me. I hope you have a wonderful birthday </div>
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Xoxo</div>
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Jennifer </div>
Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-27797071501700935042019-08-06T14:24:00.006-07:002019-08-06T14:24:53.459-07:00Find Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
This song.<br />
<br />
"It's taken losing you to know."<br />
<br />
I've learned so much since losing you. I never imagined I would love a man like I love you, although I was shown. I had the song in my head before I met you. The one that showed me I was going to meet a love that I could not get over, one I could not let go of. I was shown, and while at that time I didn't understand it soon became clear. <br />
<br />
I've come to love again. Because my heart is large and open. But you are not replaceable. No matter how sweet this new love is, what a blessing it is, it does not replace how I feel for you.<br />
<br />
You are <i>irreplaceable </i>to me.<br />
<br />
I didn't know how magical it would be. I was shown, yes, but I didn't understand and oh how I wish I had understood! I wish!<br />
<br />
The day I met you in person my fortune cookie told me I was lucky enough to ask and blessed enough to receive. It also told me my energy is magnetic but to be careful because I could also repel. And then you came to me, my gift. <br />
<br />
I miss you.<br />
<br />
I will love you forever.<br />
<br />
You told me it was not goodbye but until next time. I still wish hope and pray to see you and talk with you again. I an only continue to hope that one day my wishes come true.<br />
<br />
I am an admitted endlessly hopeful bright shining love. A stubborn love. And I will always love you. <br />
<br />
xxoo honey <br />
<br />
<br />Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-63870464142555366252019-06-13T13:59:00.001-07:002019-06-14T07:16:50.627-07:00Twin Soul Stuff<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
This is a great song. There are a lot of songs that remind me of James or my "twin soul" experience with him. I see that people find my blog. I don't want anyone to be disheartned when they learn I am not "with my twin soul." I do have a good life but I remember four years ago thinking if I could not be with James then I would not be happy and that's not the case. I AM very happy. I am happy and sometimes sad at the very same time. Sad meaning a heartache. I carry both emotions inside me at the same time.<br />
<br />
I'd like to leave a few reminders here for anyone who might find my blog when searching about twin souls. Maybe they will help you.<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Don't let anyone tell you this connection is not about love. It is ALL about love. No, it might not be about human relationship but it is about LOVE. You are free to wish and desire for a love relationship with your twin. You don't have to feel badly because you can't overcome wanting to be with your twin in a loving romantic relationship. When we love someone as deeply as we do these soul connections there is no overcoming that longing, that ache, that desire. You might not have what you want but that doesn't mean you shouldn't want it.</li>
<li>Please understand if you are the twin who is on the receiving end of silence, non-response, being blocked on social media or text or IM or FB or whatever it is- this is due to energy and soul, NOT because your twin is rejecting or ignoring you. </li>
<li>Please be darn sure this person is an actual "twin soul" or "twin flame" connection, and only you can know. How will you know? Well some big signs are:</li>
<li>The other person can read your mind, answers what you are thinking about, knows when you've spoken about him to a friend, is eerily, uncannily and magically psychic with you (even if they don't realize it.) This is because that person is your 100% mirror, more than anyone else in the world.</li>
<li>You experienced the most BEAUTIFUL human connection with this person. Sometimes like me, very loving and romantic. You spoke of the future together. They were so kind, loving, gentle, perfect in every way, loved talking to you to the point where you just wanted to climb inside each other and stay there- and then suddenly one day that person kinda disappears. Either blocks you, moves away, stops responding, etc.</li>
<li>If this happens and you start thinking bad things about them then this person's behavior will start changing toward you when you do hear from them, almost like they become opposite of who they were. And it's so obvious, so weird, so unreal that it's very hard to believe, accept or swallow. It doesn't feel like reality.</li>
<li>Strong signs. Songs, seeing their name everywhere, just random signs of every kind. I've never received more signs than I do about James. </li>
<li>Deep intense personal emotional pain that you can't really express. Dear Lord. The pain I felt. I had to go on a leave from work. I could barely live. And I am a strong woman who had suffered some heartbreak before I met him but THIS pain was earth-shattering to me. Laying on the floor in a ball, keening. My heart hurt so bad being away from him. I missed him so very much. And there was fear there too, scared he just left me, scared my worst fears of being so easily "left behind" had happened with him. Fear and love mixed together and it all just HURT. </li>
<li>After separation you can think of this person, or speak of them to someone, or blog about them, or whatever- and not long later you will hear from this person and they will almost "act out" or behave like you said or wrote about or thought hard about. Does this make sense? Like they can "hear" you and are showing you your own thought/feelings about them. THIS is mirroring. Twins are our biggest strongest most inescapable mirrors. They will show you all of the energies inside of us that need to be overcome. Some people call these energies our "shadow" or "shadow side" or our "demons." Strong fears like the fear of not being loveable enough, not being worthy enough, personal doubts about self-worth, etc. Anger/rage is another. Doubts in general. If you doubt that your twin loves you, and if you think your twin is an egotistical mean person for going silent then your twin will reach out to you and "act" like he does not love you, and he won't be very nice about it- because whatever you think about your twin is how he is going to act towards you.</li>
<li>In my experience, and from the experiences of others, it seems the feminine energy (which can be housed in a male human) is typically on the receiving end of the silence. The male energy (again, sometimes housed in a female human) is usually the one who becomes the mirror. I've never EVER experienced it being a two-way street. I never experiences us "mirroring each other." Unless me telling James that I know he is a wonderful person, a good man, a dear human being was my way of truly mirroring his truth. He was my mirror to show me all of the shit I needed to force myself away from, what I had to overcome. He showed me my anger until I had to overcome being angry inside. He showed me my doubts until I had to overcome those doubts. I had to overcome them to where I NEVER ever spoke of anything doubtful concerning him. If I ever spoke to anyone about anything doubtful then I'd have that mirrored back to me, and it hurt. It all originated with ME. <u>I was the cause and he was stuck being the effect.</u></li>
<li>This experience is guided by higher self. Always. And until your energy is right you WILL NOT get what you want. No matter how you email, text, FB, stalk, beg, plead, etc. No "human workings" will get a twin flame to do what you want. They can't even do what THEY want once this all happens. I truly believe James listened to his soul once separation happened, and he was stuck being my mirror. I believe he honestly loved me and would have loved being with me, sharing a life with me, and it hurt him and he missed me a lot. He showed me this when he could. And looking back at that now, with clear eyes, ached deeply. I wanted him to be my husband. I really did. He would make the best husband, and I loved him so much. So much. He was literally my "dream come true" and what I ASKED for, wished for, dreamed for came to me in him. When you fuck up your own dream come true- it hurts forever.</li>
<li>This is important. IF you are in the middle of this there are ways to make it easier, and I honestly feel there is opportunity for many to reunite with their twin soul IF they can overcome their fears and be so emotionally and spiritually strong in healing their fears and holding onto, affirming, love for their twins. I do NOT believe that twins "never get together" or don't reunite. I still feel hopeful that one day my energy will be clear enough, aligned, that I will see James again and experience that truth (love) with him again. </li>
<li>Please love your twin soul. He/she is going through a lot along with you even if you (and he) don't know it. My poor twin was such a strong mirror for me. He did his job well and I know it wasn't easy for him. I hope he realizes I hold dear to my heart all of my loving memories of him being with me, being kind to me, visiting me, being so patient and kind to me, a true gentleman. Understanding, gentle and kind. Respectable, my walking breathing dream come true. And I still love him dearly. I'm sure I always will. He did the most amazing feat for me- he helped heal me of my dark "shadow" energies, and only someone as magnificent and wonderful could have done so. *sigh* I may not be with him now but I love him TONS for being my twin soul. And I miss him too. I miss my friend. So remember to be kind inside towards your twin. They hear and feel your energy towards them so keep it kind. </li>
<li>This is about YOU not them. Read that 1000 times until you understand. This is not about what "they need to heal." Don't do that- it's pure ego. This has nothing to do with their healing and all to do with yours (if you are on the end of the silence/distance/blocking, etc.) Not everyone has the same issues I did. I had anger that was a result of a HUGE fear I had. I was afraid that a man could "fall in love with me" at first but then for some reason stop loving me ENOUGH, enough. That he'd love me but not enough to "choose" me forever. I guess I did not feel worthy enough, and it only happened when I fell HARD in love. Then all the irrational, gut-wrenching fears would creep up. I had to learn my worthiness and realize I am irreplaceable, unforgettable and amazing in every way. Unique and genuine and very very worthy. I had to learn how to fall in love with myself too, and then I had to learn to believe that my twin had honestly loved me VERY deeply and he had wanted to stay with me (he even told me so many times) but my fears manifested through him because he is my twin soul. I've known for a long time that this is about me and not James. He was very emotionally healthy and ready to be in a strong loving committed relationship; he wanted to be married. He told me, and he showed me that once he knew me he felt *I* could be that person for him, his wife. *sigh* So OF COURSE I still miss him. I feel inside like I miss my husband and that... that makes it very very hard for me to ever consider committing to marriage with anyone else. I can love my boyfriend, and I do. I enjoy sharing my life with him. But James is the one I wanted to marry, and I am not sure I can ever get past that. THAT is how much of an impact a twin soul makes on our lives. So if this "person" you think is your twin soul isn't making that much of an impact on you then it might not be your twin soul at all. And again please do not get sucked into the whole "this is mutual healing" crap teachings. It is CRAP. Those of us stuck on the side of the silence are the ones in need of healing (whatever it is we need to heal.) It is not about them and what they need to get over, overcome, learn, heal, etc. </li>
<li>OMG they do not need to know you are twin souls! It totally doesn't matter at all. There is nothing you need to teach them or get them to understand. At all. And if you try then higher self is just going to make your twin be like, "Okay thanks."</li>
<li>When I use the word "heal" please understand something- it is much simpler than you think. Healing means changing your thinking, changing where you focus your thoughts and energy. If you can gain charge of your thoughts and focus then you have healed yourself. When you no longer fret, worry or complain and instead you are very aware of your thoughts, or what you speak, of what you write, and you can OVERCOME thinking about your fears, and when you can IGNORE your worries, and when something crappy happens but you stop yourself from picking up the phone to tell your friend about it and instead you sit down and write out how thankful you are for the delicious coffee you had that morning THEN you are healing. When you can open a notebook and write deeply about how wonderful YOU are, how beautiful you are, how perfect you are in every single way, how the universe loves you, how YOU love you so so so much, than you are healing. God I used to loathe myself for no reason. It is painful to remember how much I was totally incapable of loving myself. I was not protective of myself and before I met James it was getting worse until I finally stopped the madness, and then I met him. And since then magically I have learned to truly love, appreciate and be good to myself. When you get to that place then you are healing. Overcoming those negative energies is healing. Being so strong that you choose to not focus on anything negative, no gossip, no discussion crap going on in the world, no reading crap going on in the world and CHOOSING consciously to focus actively (through meditating on it, writing about it, repeating affirmations, etc.) on goodness, love, positive stuff, things you love and are thankful for- that is healing. "Letting go" of anything crappy and holding on to only what you love is when you are healing. It does not take chakra work. You do not need to pay a healer, believe me. It only takes your own will power. </li>
<li>Healing does not mean being perfect. It is not vegan unless you love being vegan. It does not mean exercising unless you want to exercise. It does not even mean "healing" your vices. I still drink, and I work on controlling it because I love myself so much that I hate being hungover, and I get sick from drinking even a very little bit these days. Healing means overcoming negative thoughts and focus and instead focusing on your joys, on what you love, and focusing on enjoying life- and we do not enjoy life when we feel like we MUST do things. I honestly rarely do anything I do not want to do. I am "selfish" with my time and energy and that's just fine with me. I live my life to enjoy it, and to be with those people who I love and who love me and who are of my higher good. </li>
<li>Start focusing only on goodness in every area of your life. Do not focus on what you don't like. Even if you have to address an issue don't ruminate on it. Take care of it then move on and focus your energy on something you love. BREW good magic. Brew good energy. Affirm anything loving kind and good about you and your twin. Only goodness. That good loving energy goes to them. When you "brew" truth then you will eventually hear truth from your twin. But when you brew fear then all you will get from your twin is bad hurtful scary stuff. TRUTH is LOVE. Focus on love and you will get love and truth. Focus on shit and you get the shit.</li>
<li>Have hope. Be loving. Be good to yourself. Get enough sleep. I was emotionally exhausted often and I needed like ten hours of sleep sometimes. Love yourself and have empathy for yourself. Cry when you need to- it bring waves of healing to you. This is a challenging painful experience, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you going through it.</li>
<li>Please avoid psychics. Many will take your money. And the kicker is many psychics truly are open to spirit and all they tell you is whatever you are thinking of when you call. YOU may want to know "truth" about your situation but if you are focused on doubts or fears then that psychic that you are paying 7.99 a minute is going to tell you exactly what you fear as if it was your truth. And it will set you back so so so much with fear. I would strongly suggest not calling psychics, especially if you are in any emotional distress, fear, doubt, etc.</li>
<li>NEVER lie to your twin. NEVER. This is because since it is a psychic spiritual connection he will always know the truth. You can't hide anything from a twin because spirit will work through them to call you out. Somehow, even from wherever they are, they always know. So you gotta be brave enough to be honest and transparent with them at all times. If you have a secret doubt about something that you are hiding they might just bring it to light, ask you about it, etc. and please don't lie. A REAL twin soul/twin flame will love you no matter what you see as flaws, vices, etc. So even if you bare your dirtiest secret to them (or they drag it out of you) they won't judge you (just make sure your energy concerning them is also kind so you can receive a kind interaction from them.) </li>
<li>Pay attention to your signs and guidance! If you are ready to call a friend to vent about your twin and the phone call ends suddenly then take that as a sign. Don't call back! When you discuss something you strengthen it. I don't know how many times this stuff happened to me and I stubbornly didn't listen. Try to learn from my mistakes! There were times I'd be venting in my journal (nothing good) and a new pen would suddenly stop writing. I realize now it was my higher self trying to stop me from creating more crap for myself. Because when I write something down it often comes to me somehow. Same with speaking it out loud. </li>
<li>Lastly, and this is one no one likes to hear, when you are ready, when you've cleared your heart and lifted your energy and "healed" yourself from negativity, and when you are living more from a place of love than anything else, you CAN share love again with someone besides your twin flame. I remember thinking I could NEVER ever love anyone again. But I have, and I do. But this can't happen until your energy is ready, loving, kind, forgiving, positive, hopeful, etc. If you open your heart to love someone else please understand this does not mean you stop loving your twin soul. I had to make a choice. I had to choose between "letting go" of my hope to ever see James so I could commit myself fully to another man. I could not do that, not in a way where I could look a man in the eye and say, "There is no one else for me but you." I knew if I told another man, "I'll never want anyone but you since I've met you" or "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you" that I would be lying, and I can't handle lying. Always know whatever you speak out loud becomes "reality" in this experience. Maybe someone asks you, "Is there anyone special in your life?" and you have not admitted to anyone that you have this secret love for your twin. Best thing to say is, "I'm not really dating anyone right now but yes there is someone I love dearly." And if they press you, and if you are not comfy to talk more then just say, "I'd really rather not talk about it, thank you." But don't day anything like, "Nope, there's no one special in my life." Because that will stay your reality. That is why when I met Dave and realized he "liked" me and was hoping I might want to be romantic with him I immediately told him my truth. That was I told him I was in love with a man who wasn't here in my life, and I would always love him, and I would always want to see him again if the chance arose, and for that reason I stay alone. He asked me to let him love me anyway. And here we are. But I don't think I could have been in a relationship if I would have had to lie or hide my love for James. I guess God brought me a man who would understand. So just try to be honest. If you want to enter into a relationship, one not with your twin, to escape the twin experience then you are definitely not ready; that would be running. I only feel like I was not a runner being with my boyfriend because I did not go looking for him. I was not hoping to meet someone else. I was militantly following my singledom, praying for James, and I was kinda lead to Dave. And I hold love for both of them in my heart. When you are in this place then that is when you may be able to love again. Even if it won't ever be the same type of love or connection you have with your twin. It's okay. Bittersweet but okay. </li>
</ol>
<br />
It aches still though. I look back and wonder what if
I had ONLY sent him good loving kind energy? What if I had affirmed
only goodness? What if I had told the universe from the start how happy
I was to have James in my life? That I know he loves me entirely and
wants to be my husband forever? That he loves being here with me and I
am all he wants, and he's wonderful, and kind and good and I am so
thankful? Then he would still be here with me because I would have
focused on love instead of fear and doubt. Wherever you are in your
journey try focusing only on the goodness and love, and see what
happens. It can truly make miracles come to you with your twin. It will make miracles happen to you in life. YOU ARE ALL STRONG MANIFESTORS and you will bring to you whatever you are focused most on. <br />
<br />
<br />
I wish you all the best. It gets better, less painful, once you start pushing out the bad energy and only focusing on the good. I am not in a lot of pain like I was before. The only "less than wonderful" energy I have is heartache because I love James and I miss him; I miss my friend who did so much for me even if he has no idea. I know what he did for me and that's all that matters to me.<br />
<br />Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-79135741465630339282019-06-13T12:51:00.001-07:002019-06-13T12:51:27.288-07:00What If?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I heard this song the other day and was like, "Wow there's my life!" <br />
<br />
I only speak about James with one person, my friend Lori who also has a twin soul. She and I met like 5 years ago online and still keep in touch. She is a good friend to me, and it keeps me sane.<br />
<br />
I keep getting a telemarketer call. I answer (it comes up as different numbers) and a man's voice says, "Hi! This is James..." *sigh* <br />
<br />
Yes. Yes I still love him. Yes I still think of him. Some of you may wonder, "Why doesn't she just contact him?" I have. From time to time I'll text him. What most people don't understand is just because we reach out to a twin soul doesn't mean we will get a response. It KILLS most people when this happens; we feel rejected. We feel dismissed. But in reality is has to do with energy, intention, etc. I finally got used to it and I no longer feel like I am being ignored. I realized a few years ago that if my energy is not inviting a response (EVEN if my words are invited a response) then my energy will trump my words and I won't hear anything. In the past only when my energy was aligned would I hear from him. Most people refuse to accept this and continue to get butt hurt when they don't get a near instant reply from their twins.<br />
<br />
As always my life is super blessed. I have loads to be thankful for. I live a truly magical life. As long as I keep my energy positive and focus on what I love then goodness comes to me. I write out my affirmations if not daily then routinely. It's good to have an "energy routine." I know this and I try to follow it. I avoid anything that will instill negativity in me. This means I avoid anything to do with politics. Discussing tRump can ignite anger in me in a heartbeat so I refuse to talk about the man. Stealing women's rights to bodily autonomy away is also a topic that enrages me, and since there is not much about it I can do on a public level (unless there was a protest I could attend which I would) I avoid discussing the topic because the energy it brews inside of me isn't good. <br />
<br />
My point is- I really try hard to "protect" my energy, to keep it clean and upbeat and focused on goodness. This accelerates my manifestation of "good stuff." Then things I desire come to me quickly. It is like magic, and I appreciate it and I also am aware of it. I attempt to be careful of what I want because it will come to me. I wanted a luxury car and got a beautiful (affordable) Cadillac right away. I wanted to reorganize my finances and I got refinanced at a 3.8% home loan. I'm not bragging but I AM thankful. Work flows smoothly. Everything always works out for me. I am super blessed. And for this reason I am watchful of my energy. Those of you who have twin souls please be aware of this. We are ALL powerful manifestors.<br />
<br />
I still believe in my heart that one day I am going to hear from James again. I will leave the deets up to the universe. I'll just throw that loving intention out there and wait, hopefully, for the day when it happens. I do have a boyfriend who loves me dearly. But he knows how I feel. At least I've been honest. I can't help the fact that I still love James, and that I miss him, and I still want to talk to him or know him again. I remember the wonderful time I spent with James. And it's hard for me to explain but the connection I had with James was unlike any other, and that refuses to leave me. Knowing him was SO exciting and fun, exhilarating. He was exactly what I asked for, everything I ever wanted in a man. Seriously. I could kiss him for hours and be content. And we would talk for hours and never get tired of talking. We looked forward to talking to each other. <br />
<br />
What can I say? I miss my friend.<br />
<br />
Yes, we can love again. I did. I do love my boyfriend; he's sweet and kind and we are good together. But I can only take each day at a time, and I may only be able to do that for... for however long we are together. Maybe that sounds bad to some but I can't bring myself to commit to more. And he knew that when he met me. And I cannot help how I feel. I love them both. <br />
<br />
I am forced to "live for today." Seriously. I ENJOY each day as it comes, and I ENJOY what and who I have in my life<i> right now.</i> I am happy to be in a sweet relationship with someone who loves me so much. As I've said here before I know I help David heal from the tragic loss of his wife. I know that my time with Dave has been "for a reason" and... healing for me as well. I was so so so trying. I was such a militant little twin soul (as some of you know from this blog.) I honestly did try so hard, and I stayed very VERY single for four years. Partially because I thought I "was supposed to" and partially because I could not stomach being with any other man after sharing such a sweet, wonderful, dear, real, genuine and pure love with James. Dave just kind of happened when I had no intention of sharing my heart with anyone new. But he needed me, and maybe I needed him. We get along perfectly fine, not even one argument in almost two years. We are buddies as well as romantic partners.<br />
<br />
But it is still not the same was I felt with James, and damn sometimes that aches. But instead of fussing over what I don't have I enjoy what I do have. And I still have my wishes, my heart's longing. I still love James dearly and I still want to know him again. So I do both. I live to enjoy my life to the fullest every day. I love strongly those dear people I have in my life. I count my blessings and remember to be thankful for those blessings. And I also wish to see James again and talk with him and know him. I keep all of those energies loving and kind and pure in intention. <br />
<br />
I can't deny my heart or ignore how I feel. I could try blocking it out or forgetting or letting go but I don't think any of that would work for me. This entire experience has been too life-changing for me. It had too much of an impact on me. I went through so much with James and I'll never be content with it being so "open-ended." Yes I do share love with someone who is here in my life but something tells me that I am still meant to actively love James in my heart. And that's okay.<br />
<br />
Lastly one thing I want to stress to anyone out there who really feels they have a twin soul/twin flame: we are all powerful manifestors. Even without your twin in your life you are capable of creating and/or attracting to you TONS of wonderful experiences, things and people. Everything I want comes to me swiftly and easily (because I have not blocked it with resistance.) The *only* thing I've wanted that has not happened is contact from James, and I chalk that up to the LOADS of resistance I had. When I wanted a luxury car I had no debilitating fear or doubt about it so it arrived quickly. Keep this is mind with your own energy. <br />
<br />
TTFN<br />
<br />
JenRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-83985792313624273662019-04-30T08:56:00.002-07:002019-04-30T08:56:42.846-07:00Embracing Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsWuz0BRRBpzZV3M1tFmyUe8j4yb31_og4y7WxbNKWlyMPAU8NnK5YTkJyBnUZrLHd_-k9DYn8AscpOD3T30izzhBqiGkR7Nc8z5rgJReekOZo2DPemZU3GgABNSk6BtpNuxfdKxFsF38/s1600/Love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="576" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsWuz0BRRBpzZV3M1tFmyUe8j4yb31_og4y7WxbNKWlyMPAU8NnK5YTkJyBnUZrLHd_-k9DYn8AscpOD3T30izzhBqiGkR7Nc8z5rgJReekOZo2DPemZU3GgABNSk6BtpNuxfdKxFsF38/s400/Love.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
This could have been us when we met. It looks like us. <br />
<br />
I keep writing here because... it is my secret way to "get it all out." I do keep a journal at home but this is different because it kinda feels like I am writing to a friend. I refuse to hide my journal at home. I've talked with women who don't keep a journal because they are terrified to leave it out because someone might read it. My journal is sacred to me; it is personal. "Enter at your own risk" is how I feel. My boyfriend assures me he won't violate my trust by ever reading my journal. I try to be mindful of his feelings and keep it put away because he knows I still write about James sometimes. Not too often but occasionally, especially if something reminds me.<br />
<br />
I had a weird experience the other day, and it leaves me with questioning. I was driving along and the song "I Ran" started playing on the radio. I noticed it and thought to myself that I had not really written about James in a while, and I basically go about my daily life. Then I got another sign and it made me wonder like "WTF?" What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to just move on and let the past go? Or is he really this fabled "twin soul" who I am supposed to love and hold close to me no matter what, like not forget, not block out, etc.? And I just don't know. <br />
<br />
I am still grieving the loss of him. We have no place in our society for the kind of grief I feel about James! His sudden disappearance feels like someone I had fallen in love with, someone in who I thought I may have found my future HUSBAND, has died. When someone
dies we have a funeral, and everyone comes and holds the people who are
left behind and says <em>We are so sorry for your loss</em>. There is closure. That did not happen for me. I've had to deal with this grief on the inside because it is impossible to fully explain it on the outside in a way that people can understand. Only I'm left to know how it feels. He's alive, somewhere out there. But to me it feels like he's dead. And I've been given no closure.<br />
<br />
Manifestation. I manifest stuff every day. I can think of something and it suddenly materializes via another person or an email or just anything. I can think of a person and that person will immediately call me or text me. I want to know if I focused a lot on James, good focus, would he one day reach out to me? Currently if I focus on him I get a shit-ton of signs. His name pops up everywhere. Songs start playing that remind me of him, "Sweet Baby James" among others. But is there ever a time when it goes beyond signs and I can actually hear from HIM again? What do those signs mean? Are they simply a reflection of my own thoughts and focus? Because if so then I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM. I don't care unless they show that there is a possibility that one day it will move past signs and I will be able to see him and speak with him again. <br />
<br />
I want that very badly. No matter how lovely my life is I will always wish I could meet James again and talk with him, openly and freely. I have not "let go." It was hared enough for me to "move on" let alone just let it all go. That was a very emotional and traumatic time for me, those four years. I am not "over it." It may seem like it to those people who know me. I seem fine. James' name rarely comes up. If I'm asked I just say, to those I know I can trust, that I do still think about him, love him and I will always hope to see him again. My boyfriend knows this too although it's, of course, not something we discuss often. I am understanding that he still grieves his wife, and some days are worse than others, and his Facebook memories are always of her, and his whole past is with her, and most women would be jealous but I am not, at all. Because he has to be understanding of me, that I still love a man who was in my life and then suddenly wasn't and I've never gotten over him, and I still want to know that man again. And I do. I can't help my heart.<br />
<br />
There are truths that can cause my pain. I asked for James and he came to me, or was brought to me. I had asked for a kind loving man, an affectionate man who would make me a priority in his life, who was intelligent, good to kids and animals, who respected the earth, who was respectful and patient and understanding. Empathetic and patient. Gentle and caring. And then James came into my life and he was EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things I asked for. I recognized that right away and it kind of freaked me out. "Spirit" and manifestation and all of that still freaked me out back then. I didn't realize the power I had to bring good stuff into my life or <i>send it away.</i> Up until meeting him I'd met some men who were not always patient. One in particular I had a hard time "quitting" but had to because... he would never have been patient with me. <br />
<br />
But when I met James he was SO patient with me. It was in such direct contrast to what I'd known. He was what I asked for, someone who would be patient with me, good to me, who would respect my body, mind and heart. And I guess what really hurts right now is he truly did all those things. He was a genuinely good man to me. And to my child. He respected my role as a mom. He was so kind, exactly what every women deserves and I didn't know what to do with that. I had never been treated so well. I did not know my worth. And not knowing my worth created a lot of fears for me.<br />
<br />
It bothers me to be able to look back and see all of that truth, to see what I had, I had the PERFECT man for me. I do love my boyfriend but it's just not the same fit. It is a "good fit" but not the perfect fit like James. And I miss my perfect fit. He told me he is compatitble with 1% of women and I was his "1%." I know we were good together, and MAN had I been... who I am now- we would have had the absolute best time together. That hurts. I still wish I could be with him. I can't help it. Even thought I am in a happy relationship... it's like, wanting something really badly- but you can't have the one you want but another is available that is great too, wonderful in many of the same ways, and you can love it too but you'll still always wish for the ONE you WANT most. <br />
<br />
I wish I didn't feel like that but I do. Even now. It still aches. I don't know if that aspect of my life will ever be okay until the day comes when I can sit down and genuinely talk with James again. I wish I knew if for real I could "bring" that day to me by asking for it enough, focusing, daydreaming, loving James enough on the inside that one day he could just pop into my life again like he would before. <br />
<br />
Make sure to live your life to the fullest, do what makes you happy, but be loving in your thoughts to your twin flame or soulmate at the same time. I was put into a totally unique situation where I was able to love again because I was able to be honest with the man. I was able to tell Dave about James, very honestly. I don't think I could have ever been involved in another romantic relationship while still loving James and HOPING that one day I can meet him again and having to hide that. I would have felt like I was totally lying. I would have had to be ready to totally "let go" and fully move on, and I couldn't do that. So in my case I was able to be honest and it worked out. Weird, I know. So I love them both, one physically in my life, one not. <br />
<br />
I still get emails from blog readers. Some are bitter, some fall into
ego, some blame their twins, some tell me not to miss James, etc. etc.
We all have to deal with this in our own ways. I think, though, the
best choice for any of us is to try and love through it, no matter
what. <br />
<br />
XXOO<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Rose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1484408368943213833.post-45335654024521779952019-03-20T12:03:00.004-07:002019-03-20T12:03:45.463-07:00Years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is a strange experience to love someone for so long, with no contact, etc. And I am a strong sane woman so I chalk it up to being stubborn and willful when it comes to my heart.<br />
<br />
I am frustrated because I'm at a point where I could talk to James with no fears. I'd drop any and all worries of being judged or hiding myself. I am ME and I'd be ME with no doubts of "Maybe he won't like me" or "I'd better appear as perfect as I can be." Maybe back then I did not realize I was doing that, fronting, but I was.<br />
<br />
Now I'm five years older. Well five and a half. I've learned a lot. I've learned that somehow James was being used to show me that I cannot live like that, that I have to be authentic and real first and foremost with myself, and for myself. And I am. Now I accept myself exactly how I am, and I expect others to accept me just the way I am. I feel I am wonderful, and I attract wonderful people to me. <br />
<br />
I don't want James to be "just" a lesson or someone who showed me these things who is now gone. You cannot understand how much it kills my heart to wonder if he was only here to show me these things. And he did a great job. I now live a much more free and authentic life than I did when I met him. Am I perfect? Hells no! I *still* drink too much even though I try really hard to keep it under control. It's an ongoing challenge for me. I just stay "ASAP" which for means "as sober as possible." Am I ashamed? Nope. We all have our challenges. I am a great mother, good friend, wonderful person, and overall a good human being. Who has a hard time not craving the rush of those first couple drinks. What can I say? I do my best and that's all any of us can do.<br />
<br />
I still fucking love you and miss you. It still aches. STILL. I still think about you and remember our time together, our long talks, our laughter, and the way you tenderly touched my face before you would kiss me. I remember how you spent weeks on my couch just kissing me and holding me, so patient and such a gentleman. Gentle. Man. A gentle dear kind loving person.<br />
<br />
I wish it did not still ache like it does when I bring your memory to mind. I wish I could remember you with only fondness and love but no aching. But our love never ended- and I've had no resolution to my HEART. And I miss you. I miss my friend.<br />
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JenniferRose Awenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16579513301783914687noreply@blogger.com5