Friday, November 9, 2018

Still Here

I saw Josh Groban in concert the other night in Chicago.  It was an amazing concert!  I love Josh.  He has the best sweetest heart.  And his music really speaks to me.  He writes and sings often about love.  Like this one...

One thing though.  The first time I saw Josh Groban in concert was October 2013, like only a week after initial "separation" had happened between me and James.  Seriously it was a week of Hell waiting and hoping and praying to hear from him once the contact abruptly stopped.  So I was in my own private Hell sitting in the stadium listening to Josh singing songs of love and connection and fate and destiny and heart.  I sat there and sobbed through most of it.  I remembered that when I saw him the other night.  It brought so much emotion back to me.

"More of You."  My God- I still remember James, and I remember how hot we burned, immediately.  I STILL miss him.  I am STILL HERE loving him and missing him.  It never goes away, not really.  Yes I spend less time thinking of him.  I used to write daily, hoping and praying it would somehow magically "bring him back to me."  It did, for moments at a time.  I knew on some level it worked but I could not get it to stick.  Now I realize I was manifesting both what I wanted and what I did not want at the same time.  But back then I wrote fervently.  I focused, mediated, prayed, all the time.  IT WAS MY ENTIRE LIFE besides my son.  My life is different now.  It *had* to be because I was making myself sick.  And I was antsy.  I'd spent four years learning how to heal, being shown how to live a more positive and loving life.  And I think I was ready to start to "live again."  After the silence happened I went into a hermit mode that needed to happen.  But four years later I was coming out of hermit mode, and I then met David.  And a year later here I am.

But I still love James.  The man in my "real life" knows this and continues to be okay with it.  He loves me "anyway."  Love is a blessing no matter how you look at it.

Now here is a song that kicks the emotional shit out me:

Dear Lord.  When I first heard this song I fell apart.  I sobbed.  He sings, "When you find love embrace it."  When I met James I wish I could have done that, simply embraced his sweet huge beautiful love and ran with it.  Not been afraid.  But I was afraid, and here I am five years later still loving James and missing him.  But because I have the opportunity to have love in my life right now I am "embracing" the blessing of being loved, of sharing love.  But I also love James in my heart.  I will hear songs that remind me and I still cry.  I wish every day that I could see him again and talk with him freely.  I wish I could touch his face and hug him and hold him and tell him that I love him dearly, always have and always will.  I wish I could tell him that I know he is a sweet wonderful person.  I remember him and cherish the memories of our time together.

I wish I could tell him that I know, I remember, how much he loved me and that love does not just end.  He left me still loving me and did not want to leave me and I realize that.  I want to tell him how much it has hurt being away from him and how I've longed to know him again.  That I miss talking with him.  That I dream of hearing his sweet voice on the phone saying, "Hi Jennifer."  Our long fun conversations.  His adorable laugh.  His intelligence.  How he inspires me.

I want to tell him I can't even watch or listen to much science-related because it reminds me of him and makes me ache.  That my son still talks about James giving him the golf balls.  I want him to see what an amazing young man my son has grown to be.  I want to see, hug and talk to the kind gentle endearing sweetheart I know he is!  I want to know my friend again!  I think this and wish it every day.

It does not end.  I do not hold love for other men I've loved in the past like I have for James.  I think some of is that we had no "end" and no resolution.  And it is not normal.  It was like... I've always known he's loved me (and he affirmed this himself the last time we talked after years of separation already) so I KNOW we were apart from each other although he actually still was very much in love with me.  Why should that be any different now?  If he could still love me and want me in his life after two years apart then why not two more years?  Love, real true love, lasts.  When you dearly love someone it sticks.  And I know that is the kind of love we have.

I would love to see this reflected in my real life but I don't need that to feel peace in knowing James does love me.  My heart aches because I miss him and I wish to know him again.  I miss my friend.  I miss our long interesting discussions.  I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laughing.  I miss his beautiful glowing blue eyes.  I just miss knowing James as a person.  I continue to love him very much.



Monday, September 24, 2018

A Reminder about Twin Souls

Hello.  I've received quite a few emails and blog messages lately about twin souls/twin flames.  I don't update often yet I wanted to pop in to "bring it all home" so to speak.  I want to offer a short reminder or summary concerning what I've learned about twin souls, why it happens, what it's about, how to maneuver it, etc. 

No, I am not "reunited" with my twin soul James.  But that doesn't mean I have not learned a ton along the way.  I realize (and this can hurt if I let it) that my own fears, what I allowed myself to think about, talk about, focus on and even write about keep my twin away from me.  I know that my own energy is what kept me separated from James.  Even if he does not realize this- it doesn't matter.  I know what my experience has been.  I know all the times he was so close, contacting me after I'd work hard on my energy and focus, and then I'd derail, get scared, affirm something negative in my mind or I'd dwell on something that had happened in the past, and BOOM he'd "disappear" again.  I look back now and realize (I'd bet my life on this) that *I* created that distance and disappearance.  Unfortunately I couldn't stop myself. 

I have to admit this makes me sad.  I have a happy life with a lot of love in it.  I am thankful for all of my blessings, and I feel very blessed to share love with my kind boyfriend.  In my heart I feel that if I could not be with James at least I was blessed with another dear soul- even if it is not James.  I would not have settled for anything less, less of a person, less goodness, and this man is a good man.  He is not James though, and it is not the same.  There are times when it hits me hard that I was in the PERFECT relationship with the PERFECT man for me, my "one and only true love" and the man I had dreamed of, asked for, and held in my heart- and then it was all suddenly gone.  James and I talked about my deepest dreams- I wanted to have another child with a good man who would love me and make a beautiful family with me.  James was that man.  I can't replace my dreams with another person.  James is the only person I want to have a child with- I can't just substitute someone else.  I do love David but I (and I don't mean to sound mean) but it is James that I wanted to marry and be a family with.  James said he wanted to be married again, loved coming home to spend time with the woman he loves, and he was just everything, every single thing, I wanted for in a man and in a husband.  So to know I HAD that and then "made it go away" sometimes feels like I killed my own dreams.  God damn does that hurt sometimes.  To deal with the pain I really try to focus on what I DO have, the joys I have in my life, all of my blessings.

But it does not mean I do not love and miss my twin soul.  I firmly stand by and believe what I've shared on this blog about twin souls.  And I hope anyone who comes to this blog realizes what I've experienced first-hand does NOT match 97% of what is taught out there about twin flames.  Much of what is out on the Internet are incorrect teachings that will only keep you in suffering longer.

Here are some key points:
  • this is a lesson in manifestation.  When you meet your twin this means you have very strong manifestation energy.  All that means is you attract to you whatever you are focused on most.  This also means that if you focus on your fears, doubts and worries then you can make those things happen.  I fully believe I did this with James (again, whether or not he realizes this doesn't matter.)  We were brought together because we both wanted the same thing so the universe brought us to each other.  And then I focused on my fears and doubts.  Doubts that I was not worthy of long-lasting love.  Doubts that a man would love me but "not enough" to choose to stay with me forever.  I questioned my beliefs.  I worried that because he was Atheist that maybe somehow I was doing something "wrong" with "God."  He literally showed me EVERY single worry I had.  He'd sometimes even repeat them to me after I had thought them in my head.  It was some crazy shit let me tell you.  And then finally he was "used" to show me that I did not know how to accept love.  I did not know how to fully accept when a man was trying to love me, and when he wanted to love me.  It was like... James was loving me, showering me with love, yet I still did not fully believe in that love.  And then all of a sudden he was gone and it was like... I was shown my fears through him.  BECAUSE I MANIFESTED IT.  So always remember- those of you who are on the receiving end of the silence and unwanted distance- YOU are the one creating it.  Not your partner twin.  
  • this has nothing to do with "his or her problems" or "what he or she needs to heal."  NONE.  Not one bit, and the more you focus on "He needs to heal this insecurity" or "She ran because she needs to heal daddy issues" then the more you are going to suffer.  You will suffer because your twin "becomes" anything and everything you think about him/her, say about him/her, write about him/her and even pray about him/her.  So if you pray to God, "Dear God I love my twin even though he has A, B & C issues that make him ignore me... I love him although he has so much healing to do..." then all that will happen is your twin is going to behave like he/she has all that healing to do.  Because you are believing it and affirming it.  Even if your twin outrightly says or shows you there is something wrong with him/her then you must be strong enough to not ever focus on it.  Instead you must affirm the opposite.  It is your responsibility as a manifester to do so.
  • No, it's not only about the "romance" but you CAN love them.  You can miss them.  You can let your poor aching heart be torn to bits over longing for them- as long as it is done from a place of LOVE.  Never ever think, "I am so sad because my twin doesn't love me anymore."  Never think, "Why does he continue to ignore me?  Why doesn't he want to talk to me?"  You have to be strong enough to realize they go quiet ONLY because they are reflecting your fears back to you.  And they also stay quiet when they "feel" or know all of the negative shit you think about them.  Only assholes ignore other people.  So if you are insistent on believing that your twin soul is ignoring you "on purpose" or because he/she wants to ignore you then you are essentially telling the universe you believe your twin is an asshole; then your twin will behave even more like an asshole because you are thinking those things.  So the best thing to do is just love them.  Always from a place of love.  Even if you cry.  Tell the universe you know this is some kind of crazy divine experience (even if you don't like it) and you know your twin is perfect love, and you know your twin actually loves you, and focus on on their goodness.  Only goodness.  Only warm love.  Because when you do that then that love energy and your positive beliefs about them will actually open up the lines of communication with then at it can allow your twin to reach out to you as their "real self" instead of your fear-mirror.
  • Truth is important.  Always.  I could write a novel on this with twin souls.  You cannot lie to a twin or about a twin.  You can't even lie to yourself because your twin will know.  No matter how surreal it seems, or how uncomfortable it feels- always be honest with your twin.  Don't hide anything.  They know.  And they will show you.  You can't really only think of your twin as a "person" once this experience happens to you.  You gotta start seeing the world from totally another perspective where SOUL is so much stronger than you ever realized before.  Our twins listen very closely to their souls telling them to mirror our "stuff" back to us.  So even if your twin WANTS to talk to you- they will not do so if they are acting as your mirror.  And I know this hurts them.  They actually miss us and long for us too.  They LOVE us and are forced to "act otherwise" or behave in crazy odd manners that is unlike them.  They are sometimes forced to actually act in ways that are hurtful to their twins (us) and don't think it does not kill them inside to do so.  I know it does.  James showed me this but back then I was too fearful to believe it or understand it.  He would talk to me after months of silence (and me nearly begging him to respond) and he'd sound so so sad and say, "I miss you Jennifer.  I really miss you."  IF ONLY I could go back knowing what I know now.  I'd be strong enough to overcome my fears and scream out to the universe who he really is and then maybe he could have come back to me.
  • Truth is love.  If any thought, focus, emotion, belief, words spoken or words written about your twin are ANYTHING other than loving and positive then it is not love, and only love is truth.  If you affirm anything other than love about your twin then be ready to one day hear from your twin and it won't be pretty because they will be forced to show you something less than loving.
  • Love them.  Their mission is to help you overcome negative beliefs, fears, doubts, being less than loving, etc.  They are here to show you that you are manifesting your life with every thought, every emotion, every word you speak or write- so if you have a fear you need to heal then your twin is literally bound to show that to you and often that is through disconnecting via silence and distance.  And when you do hear from them they act as a mirror instead of acting how you want them to act.  The only time you will LOVINGLY hear from your twin is when you have spent ample energy affirming only loving goodness about them.  If you do both- affirm goodness but also worry, discuss your fears about your twin with a friend or a psychic or online then what will happen is you will hear from your twin and it will be a crazy mix of love and weirdness.  Love and... almost like denying you at the same time.  Both FEAR and TRUTH reflected back to you in the same message.
  • Our mission is to love them through it all and always affirm their goodness.  No matter what.  I don't believe we are meant to "run off" and force them from our minds.  I believe we are meant to be strong enough that even if they are not in our lives (what I am living with right now) we are still supposed to talk to them kindly in our minds, affirm their goodness and their loving natures.  I just feel this in my bones, and I appear to get signs of this too.  I don't really know the outcome but I feel better when I still list his good qualities and tell the universe that I believe in him and his loving nature.  I realize what he did for me.  He left the perfect woman for him, and he told me that himself.  He told me he finally met the woman he'd wished for, the woman he would want to have a child with, the woman he'd want to wake to ever morning.  And then he was "forced" to let me go.  I can't imagine how hard that was because had I been forced to leave him in the same way it would have killed me.  And I believe that is exactly what happened.  I wish it didn't have to happen like it did but I can only thank him for what he did for me instead of being mad or thinking he's less than the loving kind sweetheart of a man I met, dated and fell in love with.
So anyway, just a few reminders five years later.  It has been five years and I still remember him clearly, still remember how wonderful it was to be with him.  James was honestly a perfect angel in my life, everything I'd ever wished for in a man.  He would have made the perfect husband for me.  I miss his sweet face, his tender touch and his warm smile.  Those beautiful and bright blue eyes.  I wish it would have been different.  I wish I knew then what I know now- and it is nothing more than what my "guidance" told me to do back then but I let my fears take control.  I wish every day I would have thanked God for my gift of James.  I wish I would have prayed and told God what a great guy James is and how blessed I was to have him in my life.  I wish I would have focused on ENJOYING his presence in my life instead of worrying.  Then I guarantee he'd still be with me.

Daily I work to count my blessings and put no focus on what bothers me.  I don't always succeed in ignoring negativity or disappointment.  Even sadness.  I miss James and it can make me sad.  But still I really do work always on putting my focus on what I love about my life, my blessings, my success, my love.   It can just be hard to look back and not grieve for the wonderfulness I had which is no longer with me in my life. Talk about regret.  It's weird because at the same time I think about how my current boyfriend David needed to meet me.  And I him after all I'd been through with the twin soul experience.  But Dave had lost his wife and was grieving so deeply and I have helped him through some tough times.  I can't imagine how he would have made it through without meeting me, honestly.  So I ask myself- what would have happened?  I "had" to meet Dave.  Yet I miss James and still wish it could have been him.  I love them both but I still miss James.  That's the challenging part.  Any other man in my life I've been able to say bye and totally let go.  Not James though.  I still love him just as much and I still ache to know him again.  I don't always know what to with all that so I just love him in my heart, love David who is here in my life and I "enjoy" each day as it comes.  I've said it before on this blog- a heart CAN love two people, each in similar ways, and it can feel love, joy and sadness all at the same time. 

And that's okay.

Take care,


Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Counting Our Blessings


For anyone who still reads this blog sorry for the ranty last email.  Yes it was severely honest but I suppose where else can I share such harsh stuff than a fairly anonymous blog?

One cool thing is I've committed to staying away from drinking hard liquor and I did good all week so I feel much much better.  Thankfully.  Yes it's a daily effort to remind myself on my way home- "You don't need that.  Just get through today and you'll feel so much better in the morning."  I do feel a lot better.  I have to always keep myself in check.  I talked further with David and explained to him that with the history of addiction in my family I really need to be super careful of my "crutches," and alcohol is my worst crutch.

So there is that.  Otherwise all is fine except I've had some really REALLY strange dreams here lately and I don't know what they mean or if they are meant to show me something.  Because I've been avoiding drinking I feel like I can strike that as a possibility (meaning spirit is not using crazy dreams to tell me to slow down on my drinking) so I'm trying to figure it out.

Counting my blessings is what I fall back on.  Working to keep my mind and energy as clear as possible.  I still get strange signs that seem to point to James, and I still don't completely know why, but I'm attempting to miss him peacefully.  Last night I told David that I am still getting signs and he asked me to explain.  Luckily I can be open with him.  He gets his own signs about his late wife. I assume they are kind of the same, his signs and mine, because both come from spirit/energy.  I guess I just get frustrated because his wife has passed on and James exists yet we both get signs.  *sigh*  I wish I knew why.  Like 100% knew why.  Otherwise it just makes me miss him.

The weather right now reminds me very much of when I met him and we were dating.  Such a fun and wonderful time.  Very sweet memories.  But bittersweet.  Because he's not a part of my life and I miss him.  I told David last night that I still miss James, and the signs make me wonder if I am being shown that I am not "doing my part" in this whole twin soul journey.  Like did James do HIS part in mirroring me, dropping off the face of *my* earth, walking away from a woman he fell in love with, a woman he said was his perfect match and everything he'd been wishing for, and maybe now I am not doing my part in actively focusing on him like I used to? 

It don't know.  And I don't know why I've had the insane dreams.  They've all had a note of anxiety to them, worry almost.  Weird dreams but not my normal.  I'd rather not have them.  The only thing I can think of is to continue to focus on the positive and stay away from anything contentious or negative.  I've allowed myself to sway over into social media this last week and that's never really the best energy unless it's strictly concerning my passions like my art, reading, etc.

I bought the cutest vintage camper a few weeks ago.  She is a late 1960's model Monitor vintage camper trailer.

Here are a couple of photos of what she looked like when I bought her from the woman who has owned her for the last at least five years.  I plan to paint the outside a brighter color along with the white.  I like bold bright colors instead of pastels.  She used the same mint green on the inside, and I don't prefer that so I am changing it up.  Here are a few things I have done so far although it will look much better once it all comes together.

The lady painted on the wall is my own work.  I am happy with her.  She turned out just as I hoped she would.  These are the things that keep me "sane."  The activities and passions that help me stay away from drinking, that make me who I am.  I am super creative and hope to soon find a niche' for selling my artwork.  "Glamping" (glamor camping especially with vintage campers) is really big right now so I am hoping to find an angle there to sell some of my work.  I enjoy working on redecorating her and then I'll take her camping and to rallys and fun stuff like that. 

I am not actually fully happy with the lower wall covering here and might end up replacing it.  Luckily it is only $40.00 worth of  peel and stick wall paper.  The woman who owned this camper before me really just slapped ugly contact paper over every peeling area, over globs of insulation, over exposed pipes, etc. so I am meticulously gluing, cleaning, painting and paying attention to details while spending as little as possible since she was an investment to purchase.  I was able to locate, quickly, a very stable camper though, and that is a blessing.  She only needs cosmetics in order to be used which is wonderful.  I am blessed.  This I know.  My wants and desires come to me quickly and easily and for that I am very thankful.

So anyway.  I wanted to update and say I am doing well.  Life is really good, and it gets better and better every day.  I am treated wonderfully by everyone who knows me.  I really am.  The *only* area of my life that... still bothers me is the situation with James.  It is the only area of my life that is not how I want it to be.  And that can be unnerving.  I can think of any idle person, speak of someone I have not heard from in ages, and that person will reach out to me.  So I don't understand why it is so different with him.  When I want to hear from his so much, when I imagine talking to him, when I still love him and care about him- I want to hear from him and talk to him.  It can be a point of frustration and just... unsettled.  But I try to deal with that how I will and be thankful for everything else.  I just know my truth, and I will always know my truth.  I know James is a good man, and he was super kind and sweet to me.  I know we were deeply in love when he "disappeared" from my life and all of this crazy twin soul stuff started happening.  When he full-blown became my mirror.  But none of that was TRUTH.  That was only him showing me my fears, being a mirror.  Truth is he loved me and that love never went anywhere.  He never ever told me he did not love me, never once.  He told me he DID love me, always had, and he wanted me in his life and I KNOW THAT IS THE TRUTH.  That is what can make me so fucking CRAZY still sometimes!  I KNOW the damn truth, and I want that truth shown to me again.  It is unfinished.  And I cannot handle unfininshed.  I'll never ever be totally settled with this.  I don't want to get married.  I can't plan a long-time future with the man in my life right now.  He understands this and for some "Godly" reason he accepts me fully and loves me anyway.  He is happy to get every new day with me, and for that I am wholly blessed.  I am doing the same thing.  I can't think of the long-term future because I still love James and I just can't.  But I wake each day thankful to have been given the opportunity to love again, and be loved again, even if it is not my twin soul.  But that still breaks my heart.  Sometimes Dave hugs me and I hug him back and tell the universe I DO love David for being David but I also give him the love I cannot give James since James is not here with me.  But I still love him.  And having a lot of love for a person who is not here for you to give that love to- that is GRIEF.  That is what grief feels like.  I've grieved James for five years.  Four of those years felt like my heart was being torn from my chest.  The last year my grief was... softened due to having David in my life.  But the grief did not disappear.  It exists right along with (note that- it exists right along with) my love and grieving over James.  My happiness over the love and joy I have in my life exists ALONG WITH the love I have for James, and how much I still long for him and miss him.

It is a lot to hold inside one person.  Hence why I feel so tempted to drink in order to numb some of those emotions.

That's all I can say.  Yes I DO still believe in twin souls.  I still believe twin souls are actually supposed to be together one day.  I just feel that in my case I wasn't able to "clear" enough of the doubts and fears in order to allow my twin soul to come to me.  And in the mean time maybe David is a part of my life for now, for however long, in order to help heal me even more with love and companionship, to show me how to allow myself to be loved.  To also show me who I really am since I know he is my mirror, and he adores me. 

And that is okay.  It is a blessing.  But that doesn't mean I've forgotten, or on an August night with the breeze blowing and the constellations overhead I don't remember James telling me that I have the little dipper on my leg, holding my hand and kissing me under the stars.  I MISS him so much.  I still miss him.  Every. Single. Day. 

It hurts.  Mixed with the joy and thankfulness- it still aches, so much.  Still I remind myself to count my blessings- sometimes that is all I can do. 



I need to keep my mind occupied. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2018


Yesterday was my 45th birthday.  Today is James' 45th birthday.

Yesterday morning was the first time in 4 years I did not absolutely dread my birthday.  I did not feel like I wanted to die from the pain of knowing I met James on my 40th birthday, and that one, two, three and four years earlier I'd walked through my neighborhood holding hands with James feeling like I was walking on air, like it was one of the most magical and best nights of my life but now we are in silence and have not seen or spoken to each other in, well, years now.

Yesterday was the first time in over four years I woke up not thinking about James.  I forgot the whole "I met him five years ago" part.  I just had a nice morning waking up with my sweet boyfriend who told me happy birthday along with my darling son, my blessings.  So what kind of irked me was when I got in the car to drive to work a song played, "Hold On," that brought it all back.

Like WTF?!  I was NOT thinking of James right then.  I did not "manifest" that song being played, a song that totally reminds me.  It immediately thrust me to nearly five years ago when the distance and quiet began.  Back when I was told the song was for us, and it played ALL THE TIME.  It made me sad.  I cried.  And I thought strongly about him and his birthday today.  I was thinking how it would be nice to actually be able to talk to the man and tell him happy birthday.  I was thinking that I really did miss him.  How weird it is to know we were totally thick in the start of falling in love with each other, could not keep our hands off each other, making love, talking, emailing and texting constantly, talking about marriage and a child, dreaming together, and then *poof* gone.  Unbelievable, not normal, not "real."  And forever I will not be able to accept that.  Because at the very least I want to be able to talk to him like normal, for real, two good loving kind people speaking truth to each other.

I should be able to text him and get a reply.  Anyone else in my life I can reach out to and get a response.  As a matter of fact, get a happy response because pretty much everyone in my life is happy to hear from me.  I DID wish him happy birthday.  I did.  I gave up having expectations a long time ago but my poor resilient heart still reaches out from time to time no matter the outcome.  I hope James does have a happy good birthday.  I did.  I had a lovely birthday weekend.  Got together with my friends and they sang me happy birthday.  My boyfriend (who I speak freely to about James) gave me the most beautiful ring- he's such a gift in my life, this man who understands me and accepts me just as I am (flaws, eccentric ways and all.)  My sister's baby shower was this weekend and it was totally fun.  And last night my son and I went out for dinner together, then he read me a chapter from his school book while I worked inside my "new" vintage camper that I am remodeling, both of us working by the light of some lanterns because I could not use an extension cord to plug in because it was raining outside.  Warm, cozy and charming and then I snuggled my son to sleep.  He still loves his mom "cuddle time" and I'll cuddle him every night as long as he still wants me to.

It was a great birthday.  And I hope the same for James.  Wherever he is I hope he is celebrating with friends and family who loves him.  I hope he has a happy birthday.

But I still don't understand why I had to be reminded of him yesterday morning when I was just fine enjoying my calming drive to work.  I don't always like to be reminded.  There are times I want to just sit with my peace of mind and my current joy and NOT be reminded of the thing I don't have that I still love and miss!  For the love of God!  I never wish anything but goodness for James!  I hope he is happy!  I hope life is treating him well!  If he has a significant other in his life I hope she is genuine and kind.

I get so torn over signs like the one I got yesterday.  I can understand getting signs when I am focused on him (manifestation.)  But I don't understand it when I am simply living "in the moment" and enjoying my current life.  Why remind me?  Why do they happen?  The song "Hold On" for me- well it's a hard song.  Because in the past when I feel I was "actively" still "in this" meaning I'd still hear from him, we'd connect once in a while, etc., not long after the silence started I'd hear this song and in my heart I knew it meant "hold on to the real me, don't let my honest memory go, know I am only being your mirror and I'm really the sweet nice dear kind loving boyfriend you met, dated and fell in love with, hold on to the truth that I do love you, and please don't ever let me go."  When I heard it yesterday I got sad because I felt like- did I let him go?  Did I fail?  All I can tell you is when I do think of James I try to only remember what it felt like when we met and dated.  I try to never go beyond that.  I try to focus only on what I know is truth.  Yes I am in a relationship with someone else.  I did not "wait" in that regard but oh well.  Being alone wasn't working out for me any longer.  We all deserve good companions in life even when we are not able to "make it happen" with our twins.  I hold nothing but goodness and love and light in my heart for James.  But I feel that concerning James specifically I must have still had blocks or emotional garbage there, enough that he could not come back to me.  But I did not have that about love itself.  I was clear enough, well enough inside, to allow another good man to come to me, and I appreciate the opportunity to have love in my life even if it is not with my twin soul.  That does not mean I don't love James, and humans are not replaceable.  I love my boyfriend but I love James too.  My boyfriend did not replace James.  Not at all.  That space still exists in my heart and nothing else can fill it.  And, again, when I think of James I really really focus hard on remembering the kind loving generous endearing gentle friendly sweetheart of a man I gave my heart to five years ago.  

And sometimes I don't want to focus on it at all.  I wonder why then the universe keeps reminding me.  What is the point to the reminders?  I feel like there must be a purpose so what it is?

As I was thinking of his birthday yesterday a song played on Sirius XM radio- "Happy Birthday" by a up and coming country singer, Kelleigh Bannen

"Hey, it's me,
I know it's kinda late
But I had to call ya
Just to say hello, catch up
You know I was thinking of ya
Another year older
Another year wiser
Bet you're out the guys
Low key drinking Budweiser
I learned a little too late
You know what they say
I can't have my cake and love you too
Anyway Happy birthday
Happy birthday"

I've never heard this song before.  I was thinking hard so I am not surprised it played.  I was thinking of how nice it would be to tell him happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Along with that I have said this before and I'll say it again- I still ache no matter what.  It's why I sometimes don't want to think about it at all.  I want to escape my pain.  I drink, still.  And it sucks, bad.  I want to stop.  I hate it.  And for anyone who does NOT battle with a "drinking problem" or who does not have a family history of addiction- don't ask "Well then why don't you stop?"  Because I WANT to.  Every day I tell myself "Not going to drink" and more often than not come evening I decide to have a shot.  Or two.  Or five.  Because I have NO off switch.  I can go without drinking.  I can even go out for dinner and have A drink and be okay.  But it's at home with free easy access to an entire bottle- that is when it's bad.  I don't stop.  Until I've had too much, and lately I've had too much.  Enough to where two or three days later my ears still ache.  And I feel cruddy.

And yes it scares me.  I have a wonderful life but drinking has been the hardest thing for me to shake. I've honestly been pretty successful with controlling my thinking, my emotions, the "dark thoughts," and the anger.  I can affirm the shit out of my life and create so much goodness for myself!  I KNOW this, and I do it.  My drinking... I fear it is purely a very strong habit, an addiction.  I don't really get angry anymore when I drink.  I just like the initial buzz that takes the edge off my ache, that lifts my mood past any feeling of "I miss him."  That very first drink lifts me up and that's the bad part because I can't stop there, not when I have alcohol around.

So I am at this shitty place where I have to address with my boyfriend the intensity of my problem.  He loves me a lot and will understand but it is embarrassing AF.  I hide it well.  Actually my body basically just makes me go to bed.  And it's been bad.  James knows- I've drunk text him before, drunk emails.  Never mean.  Nope.  Just... sad.  I text when I'm drunk and missing him so deeply that I want to scream and I tell him the truth, that I miss him and wish I could talk with him and the quiet is still deafening and torturous and I HATE IT because I know he truly loves me, somehow, and loved me dearly and that love never ended.  WE never ended.  We had NO CLOSURE.  Nothing.  No ending.  And I want TRUTH.  TRUTH.  Just truth.  I'd be happy with TRUTH.  Why can't I just hear the fucking truth?  Why can't two people who were madly in love with each other sit down, hug each other, and TALK like two normal kind human beings?  WHY???!!!

Lovely, no?  James knows I drink too much.  No I don't feel like it's why we don't talk.  I know in my heart that no matter what the circumstances are right now, somewhere out there the truth is James loves me unconditionally and he'd understand my problem.  He'd accept it and not judge me.  He'd respect that I know it is a problem, and if we were together he would help me stay sober, or help me stay away from hard liquor- which is my issue.

I'm going to write a song called "The Hard Stuff."  Liquor and heartache- both are "the hard stuff" and we use one to try and erase the other but it never works.  Just like the song I posted from Jason Aldean, his memory drowns the whiskey- the whiskey never really takes away the ache, the bittersweet memories.  The longing to just hold a beloved person in your arms and say "I've missed you."  And I have.  I've fucking missed him.  And while I am not blaming my drinking (on anything but my own issues) on missing James- man, when I ache it is so hard to NOT cave to the bottle.

I gotta do something.  I feel like shit.  And the one and only time I saw James since we "separated" he told me.  He knew I'd been sober for over a year and then I thought "Well fuck it- doesn't matter- I'll be okay if I just drink a little," and when we met we had a beer together.  He said, "I thought you quit drinking."  I think I shrugged.  He said he drinks beers sometimes but he doesn't drink shots.  He looked right at me and said, "Shots are bad for you."  Like he knew.  He knew, obviously, and in his own way he was telling me not to hurt myself.

I know.  And that is why I say I know he'd understand and be kind and loving to me about it, if we actually knew each other.  So will my boyfriend Dave.  Because Dave is a mirror of unconditional love and care in my life.  He is similar to James in that way, made to love me no matter what.  Dave is truly one of the best, a dear hearted man and he will understand.  I told him months back that I feel I drink too much.  He felt I was being too hard on myself.  Dave loves good whiskey (but he doesn't drink 1/4 bottle at a time) so there typically is whiskey in my house.  But that is going to have to change.  Because it is two full days since I drank and I still hurt, and I know that signals bad things.  I AM smart enough to know this.  I'm not hating on myself.  I'm not going to shame myself but I am going to say I am thankful to be blessed and protected that nothing bad has happened to me and I'd like to stop this.  But in order to stop it I need help.  Like help from those closest to me.  That means my boyfriend because he is the one I see most often.  Big fun.  It's never awesome to have to gut yourself, be totally transparent and bare your deepest weaknesses.  Just fucking ugh.

Dave understands though.  He was drinking a bit too much when I met him, and it was because he misses his wife.  Now thought he deals with it differently since he has me in his life and love helps heal.  I wish it was that easy for me.

Dave's wife is passed on, dead.  He has closure.  He held her and said goodbye.  While there is no comparison I know- still I fell VERY VERY hard in love with James.  I was on cloud nine.  I thought he was the answer to my prayers, my angel.  I began imagining that he would actually end up as the sweet loving fun kind understanding husband I'd prayed for, he was sweet to my son, and he said he wanted me to be the mother to his child.  I allowed myself to dream.  I was immensely in love with him, and then it was all gone.

I had no closure.  There was no goodbye.  There was just "gone."  Call me weak if you want but it is like the one and only thing in my life I cannot get over or heal from.  That "unfinished love" feeling.  No explanation, no discussion.  Moments where he'd be back talking to me like the James I know he is.  And I was so confused, scared, didn't understand the mirroring (no matter how it was shown to me) and all I knew is I loved this person dearly and ached to have him back with me, in my life.

Still. Not. Over. It.

But FFS I have to speak with David and explain that I can't do this.  I can't have whiskey in my freezer.  I do not have the self-control.  I need transparency and support now.  I can't deal with this alone or hide it.

I really am only human, and right now I feel like I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week.  I still feel sick from drinking too much over the weekend, and it gets worse as I get older.  I can only imagine what I am doing to my insides.

I guess my point is no matter what, no matter the whys or hows or that I drink out of habit or to try and take the edge off my ache- it's gotta stop.  I feel so sick.  It's NOT a good feeling.  I know how much better I feel when I do not drink hard liquor.  Shit James was right and I knew he was giving me a "message" when he told me "shots are bad for you."  Yeah, I know.

And I hope "God" or my soul or whatever it is up there that is linked to me realizes, well shit- it's not like I WANT to be like this.  I am not just stubborn.  "It" knows this has been the one thing that that's been the hardest for me to control.  I actually learned to believe I am manifestor and need to control what I'm thinking and focused on.  I actually managed to do that which is a fucking miracle in and of itself- but fuck me the drinking has been physically the hardest thing to control.

It's upsetting to me.  I wish it was easier.  I really will try very hard now- because I'm feeling very crappy.  I'm not being stubborn.  I'm pretty wiped out.  I don't feel well.  Somehow I'm strong enough to function, and I have to, but it would be so much easier if I did not drink so much.

I envy those people who can have a drink or two but have no issues with alcohol.  Good for them.  I've honestly been binge drinking all the way since... I was about 22.  On and off.  More on these last 15 years.

God help me.

My life is wonderful but I still ache.  I wish I didn't.


ETA~ I *am* blessed.  I spoke with my boyfriend and explained that mayyybeeee I have a wee bit more of a problem than he realizes I do (I guess I hide it well.)  He said he totally understands and will respect my wishes, no problems, no questions just supportive, and I only have to talk about it with him if I want to.  I really don't want to.  I just know I live better without an easy supply of whiskey near me.  I knew he'd be supportive.  Because I have a good man in my life as my mirror.  He really does treat me how I should be treated, and how I feel inside.  So that's a good thing.

I believe James was meant to be that for me too.  I guess one of the difference is now at this point in my life I am able to ONLY be thankful and appreciative instead of worrying or doubting.  

Monday, August 6, 2018


Not long ago a reader left me a comment that I did not post.  She told me I should let go and move on.  She said if James was choosing to move on and not reply then I should do the same.

I appreciate people reaching out to me, and I totally know not everyone understands my beliefs.  No one else has walked in my shoes so how could anyone else understand what I've been through?  That said, I don't go on the blogs of other people and tell them how they should feel or what they should do.  I don't think that's the right thing to do.  I share how I feel here for anyone else who might be feeling the same way, or in the same place as me in this twin soul/twin flame journey.

What does "letting go" even mean?  Let go of what?  Of the hope that one day I can see James again and have a normal real caring conversation with him again?  No, I can't "let go" of that.

I feel I have "moved on" to a point.  I live my life.  I share my love with another man who is caring and wonderful, and I do love him.  But how else should I move on?  Forget entirely I suppose.  Stop hoping.  But that is not me.  I KNOW what happened between me and James was not normal or real and I won't be fully settled inside until it is resolved.  I need some kind of resolution from James himself.  A discussion.  Some truth and reality.  I need to sit down and talk with the man I know he truly is, the man I met five years ago.

Right now is a sensitive time for me.  I began talking with James in August, and we met 8-20.  I don't care how long it's been- I still remember it.  The mild summer nights, the clear skies with all the stars, the constallations, all remind me of him.  Of my time spent with him.  And it is bittersweet because it still makes my heart ache since I don't know him anymore.  I still miss him, and no amount of "letting go" or moving on will fix that.

Who truly can control their emotions, their heart? Not me.

And I've never believed he wanted to leave me. He loved me. A lot.

Think before you post your replies. I am not asking for your opinion. Nor your advice. I'm merely sharing how I feel and sharing my experience.

I had two cats when I dated James. They always wanted to be hanging around us. After making love we would come out of the bedroom and there they'd be waiting expectantly for us to emerge. One night he threw open the door and said "kitties!!!" Sadly tonight I put my one remaining cat to sleep, my black sweet darling kitty I've had for 14 years. My son asked to be with me when it happened. It has been an exhausting evening for both of us and I'm ready for bed.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

I Still Miss Him

Hello.  I'm writing here so I can share my heart openly and fairly anonymously.  Nothing new really.

My heart is heavy today.  I feel like I need to cry.  How do I explain how I feel?  I have such a wonderful blessed life, and I do not take that for granted.  I am thankful for all of my blessings.  My life really is a beautiful life.  My career is flowing along wonderfully.  I am successful in everything I set out to achieve.  I have the sweetest son, great friends and family, good health... really everything is great.

But still all of that does not or has not stopped this sad feeling I have over James.  I try not to think about it much but it's hard not to.  So I have this really sweet affectionate man in my life.  He adores me.  I love him; I really do.  I care about him dearly.  We see each other every day.  He thinks I am an angel.  Seriously- I don't think I could do a thing wrong in this man's eyes.  He is SO so good to me.  I am thankful to have him in my life.  He's been a blessing.

The difficult part is he is not the exact person I wanted.  I wanted James.  I met James.  I fell in love with James.  I was totally in love with James, in the middle of the strong beginning of a love relationship with him, real genuine healthy love, and I DID NOT UNDERSTAND MY ENERGY.  All I knew was I loved him and that scared me.  I was scared to lose him because that was my fear.  And I did not know "manifestation" was real.  I did not know back then to focus only on enjoying James and being thankful for him.  There was so much I didn't know.  And it hurts now.  It hurts so much because I never wanted to be apart from James.  He was very good to me.  I only had a short time with him so there is no comparison but the time we DID share together was wonderful.  I know my memories are real.  I remember James, and he was so very sweet to me.  I wanted that relationship to flourish.  I wanted him to be my husband!  I wanted the "Sushi on the beach" wedding. I wanted to have him as my husband.

I can't talk marriage with Dave.  I cannot bring myself to do it.  We make plans for trips together.  We speak of the future, like the things we are going to do, but he knows I can't talk about marrying him and he tells me he is okay with that.  He says if a day comes where that changes then he'd be happy but for now he's also happy with the way things are.  He knows, and this may sound harsh to anyone reading this, but he knows the only other man I would ever want to talk to is James.

I am feeling weepy and sad today.  I miss James so much.  Sometimes it is easier than others.  No one can understand (unless they have experienced it) how it feels to be deeply in love with a person, in a giddy happy exciting loving amazing committed relationship and then suddenly that person is gone.  It hurts.  A lot.  Even five years later.

It's challenging to find the right words to explain how I feel.  Being thankful for having David in my life even if he is not James.  But what do you do when you love someone, hope for that person, even have that person tell you that he does love you, but then... continued separation and no contact?  I was choosing to stay single.  Then Dave just kinda fell into my life and me into his, and here we are.  And yes we are happy together.  I have a ton of fun with him and I care about him.  I love David.  I can't justify not sharing my life right now happily with David because I love someone who I have not seen or had a "real" conversation with in a long time.

If I was alone I know I'd be pretty sad, lonely and miserable- five years into this twin soul journey.  So seeing as I was (for whatever reason) unable to "bring James back to me" I do feel very blessed and lucky that I had someone as wonderful, kind, sweet, caring and loving as David come into my life.  Maybe not everyone is blessed enough to meet two genuinely good men and because I have done so I am thankful.  I still love and miss James though.  It's out of my control; I can't control my heart.  It's been ten months now since I met Dave and I still feel the same way I did when I met him.  I love and miss James as much now as I did then.  Sharing love with another man has done NOTHING to ease the ache in my heart or slow how much I love James.

What sharing love with another good man has done is add joy and happiness to my life, and that is a wonderful blessing.  But I hope anyone reading this can understand this- I experience many different emotions at one time.  I feel happiness, gratitude, enjoyment, heartaches and sadness all at the same time.  And I have to ALLOW myself to feel all of those emotions.  None of them are "bad" emotions.  If I try to block out the sadness then days later it assaults me.  If I don't allow myself to fully appreciate, enjoy and embrace the love I have in my life right now then I get edgy and I feel... frustrated.

I am always working on a balance.  How to enjoy my life right now while honoring my heart.  In my heart me and James did not end.  He may have been gone but our love exists.  That is how I feel.  I was never told different.  One of the last things James told me was he did love me and had loved me all along, that I was right.  And I knew I was right.  I knew James truly did love me.

In the past I think I "ran" from time to time.  There were times when I thought about meeting someone else mainly to "distract" or yeah, I guess kind of "run away" from the twin soul thing.  At those times I always felt like I was shown to NOT run, not be with anyone else.  So it was odd when I met Dave because I swear I was in this mindset of staying alone.  I wanted James and only James.  I was feeling more alive and well, ready to enjoy my life, so I was getting out and doing things but I told anyone who approached me that I was not interested in a relationship because "I was in love with someone else."  I came to a place where I did not care how odd that sounded.  It was my choice, honoring my heart.  I told David the same thing!  I told him I could not be in a relationship with anyone else because I loved this other man, and I felt that if this man ever did come back I'd want to be with him so how could I be with anyone else?  I had to be honest.  I learned in this twin soul experience that honesty is always best, necessary actually.  So I do my best to be as honest as I can be.  Dave said he understood but asked me to let him "love me anyway."  Knowing that I still love James, knowing that I still hold this hope that one day I'll be able to see him again.  I truly feel David is an angel in human form, brought to me when I needed a soul mate to help me find my joy again.  AND (I meant to make a point here so let me connect my thoughts) I DO NOT feel like I am "running" from anything in loving Dave and sharing life and love with him.  I did not really CHOOSE this.  It just came to me- I still can't fully explain it. 

I gotta be honest.  I still drink more than I should.  I'm not thrilled with it.  I don't get "drunk."  I really try to have moderation- but I tend to want a drink or two to take the edge off how much I miss James.  It is always there.  No matter how happy and fun my life is, how much Dave totally adores me and showers me with love and affection, no matter all of my blessings- no matter that I TRULY am grateful for all of the goodness in my life I still miss this man I love.

I don't know what to do, actually.  I don't know what to tell you.  I tell God all of this, all of my gratitude for the overflowing blessings in my life, love, joy, peace, abundance- all of it.  I have the best friends and family anyone could ask for.  I always have good money.  My life is carefree and blessings always come to me.  I tell God thank you.  And I enjoy my life while also reminding God that I can't help but love James and miss him and I still feel like he should be a loving caring part of my life.  I know I am free to enjoy my life how it is right this moment, and I do.  But at the same time I still hold on to the love I have for James, our good memories, our love, and the hope that one day James and I will be together.  I can't help that I still love him and miss him.  Or that I remember him, and I do.  I remember meeting him, talking with him, getting to know him, laughing with him, feeling so giddy in love.  We could not keep our hands off each other.  I looked forward to every single moment with him, every word exchanged, every touch, every kiss.  One thing I will always hold dear about James is how he waited for me, patiently.  His long sweet patient tender kisses, him touching my face as he brought me to him for a smiley kiss.  How he went out of his way to come visit me knowing that we were going to sit on my couch and talk and kiss, but only talk and kiss.  I still love how he was so respectful of me and my need to wait a bit before making love, unspokenly he sweetly and gently would kiss me and hug me and be close, kissy and good, talking and giggling but never asking for more, and that was just so special.  He gave me that gift and I will always cherish that about him.

It was really REALLY hard for me to make love with anyone besides James.  Being with Dave was not a decision I made lightly.  It was (luckily) not some drunken lustful silly choice.  I knew David was hurting over the loss of his wife.  I knew she had been very ill for a while before she passed away.  He's genuinely a sweet gentle guy with a soft heart and I did care for him.  I told myself if he would going to make the huge choice to be with someone else after his wife then it should be me instead of someone who could hurt him or make him totally regret taking that step.  It was unexpected and bittersweet for both of us.  But it was (and is) also very clear genuine love that comes from a good place and I feel good about that.  I feel good because I told myself I'd never be with anyone "less" after being with an angel, and I felt James was an angel.  A man who totally waited for me, who respected me, who was patient and kind- 110% patient and kind.  A real bright genuine healthy good love.  I refused to ever "dishonor" our love or my beautiful experience with him, him reminding me how worthy I am.  It's sweet but different with Dave.  Sometimes I feel like I am in his life to help heal his heart, and his heart hurts bad.  Love is healing, and I do love him.  But it was not an easy choice to be intimate with someone who is not James.  I still remember him, and I can't say I don't think about kissing him or hugging him.  I love two different men, and really in two different ways.  With David I feel he is more my friend than my lover.  With James he was my everything- friend, lover, and who I wanted to marry.  I am thankful for both of them though.  I just still miss James and I don't think that would ever go away unless he was actually back here with me, in my life, and I did not have to miss him any longer.

It is time to drive home and have a good cry.  They say tears are memories that well up and escape from our eyes for people we miss.  That is the only reason why I cry, because I really miss someone I love.



Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Good Powerful

Damn I wish I could go back to five years ago knowing what I know now about the power of thought, emotions and manifestation.  I would have brought James into my life and kept him there.  But five years ago I had no idea.  I just prayed very heavily for what I wanted and then he came to me.  So I attracted and allowed to me what I asked for.  He must have been asking for something similar (he told me the had "hoped and wished" for a woman like me and then I came to him.)  Sad part is since I had deep-seated fears concerning "not being worthy enough for a good man to want to keep me forever" I ended up sending him out to my life.  I know I created that.  Now if James were to read this all he'd probably remember is making the choice to move away, and then going quiet, and then some coming and going and and and.  I don't think he'd realize that the opportunity for him to go away partially came about because I worried about him going away.  I think mainly the opportunity happened because I accidentally created it.  *sigh*  Sucks, right?

It still hurts.  I don't like to focus on what I did, and I no longer get mad at myself because I did not know.  I see how some force, a force I call "my higher self," tried to show me the RIGHT way, the way of joy and happiness and true love, but I was too scared to grasp what I was being told.  I give my higher self a lot of credit for trying so hard.  When I reflect back on it all- I want to weep.

Regret is a difficult emotion.  I regret what I did because a dear man I fell very hard in love with disappeared from my life and the loss has left a hole in my heart that no one else can ever fill, not totally.  I explained this to the man who is in my life right now.  A while back we discussed this and I told him- it just hurts because no one and nothing else can ever fill this space that is left from James being gone.  He said he understands, and I know he does.  He is not a "replacement."  He is instead a different love in my life.  A good love, but quite frankly it is not the same, and it still aches, deeply.

I want anyone who reads my blog to understand that I don't write that often because, well, it still hurts.  I am not sure what to say.  James is still on my mind daily.  I still miss him.  I still ache to see him.  I still dislike what happened between us and despite it teaching me (finally) that manifestation is 110% REAL (and that I'd better respect it and live my life by its rules) I can't help but long for what I lost.  I appreciate what I've learned but I still grieve him.  I mourn losing him.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

I've said before on here, I love two men.  One is sweet, kind, loyal, easy, adores me entirely and is physically here in my life.  I suppose he is my mirror too.  I am a good loveable person and he shows that to me.  But I also still love James.  And David is not James.  I can't really help that there are times I miss James' particularities so much that I cry.  It was different.

So please don't read my blog and think I somehow "got over it" or "left it behind."  I have not.  I don't know how.  Knowing James, and all the stuff that happened for like three and a half years, made too much of an impact on my life for me to "get over it."  I did not "let go" when I allowed another love into my life. 

Quite honestly I just let myself be loved by a good man, but still a good man who is not the man I wanted most.  That is honesty.

I tried hard.  I feel I tried to the best of my ability to use my energy and love and anything I thought was right to "magically" be with James again.  It wore me down and the lack of him in my life made me really sad, and sometimes the sad feeling, the hurt, made me mad.  The addition of David in my life makes living far more enjoyable again.  Even though he is not James.  That's the brutal truth.  I don't think I could continue to survive alone while longing and aching and hurting over someone who was not here.  I needed that love in my life.  I care about David.  I love him.  At the same time it is not the same.  I don't need to tell Dave this- he already knows without it being expressed in words.  Just like I know I am no replacement for his dear late wife yet there is no reason for him to say it out loud.  I suppose in the end "love heals" pain.  Dave's love has helped heal some of my pain but it has not lessened the love and longing I have for James.

That leads me to sharing that I still hope to see James again.  I will admit that I sometimes get torn over this.  But Dave has told me he supports me seeing James and talking to him.  He knows I love James and I need SOMETHING.  We don't discuss it in depth.  David knows, clearly, that I have (and he does too) some kind of "manifestation" power, and he does not take it lightly.  He watches me attempt to live my life from a place of being kind in my heart and mind, even about those who "push my buttons."  I am not perfect but when I go off track I try to get myself back on quickly.  I do this because I CLEARLY KNOW what the power of my negative thinking can do to my life.  I know amazing effects amazing positive kind loving thinking can have on my life- so I try hard to maintain that kind energy.  Like right now I am dealing with an on-going issue with one of my employees.  This person used to be my equal and she threw me under the bus repeatedly.  When our old director retired and I was blessed with a new fresh start this person, the employee in question, went to the new boss and aired all my past "stuff" to her although I was working very hard (and praying for, affirming and journaling) towards creating a good new positive start for myself at work.  In the end her steps backfired on her because it made her look bad.  And since that time I am now the new director, and I am her direct supervisor.  I have to be very VERY conscious of my intentions with her because her work performance is simply not "up to par."  I have been praying, affirming, that I wish the best for her but I also need her to either perform or find a job she enjoys better than this one.  What I try to be very aware of, though, are my EMOTIONS and INTENTIONS concerning her.  I've had to give her constructive criticism and now will most likely need to take it further, formally documenting negative performance.  But I tell God that I forgive her for our past and all I want is for her to perform well and with respect.  That is all.  And if she cannot do that (she does not like her job much) then hopefully something she likes better, that maybe even pays more and is closer to her home, will come available to her.  I watch my intentions closely so I don't slip into anything dark.  I cannot help it that "real life" steps have to be taken that might not feel good to her but I try to do them with the best of intentions.  I hope to give her the push necessary to taker her job (career really) more seriously or find something different that would fulfill her life more.  Unfortunately there are not many jobs out there that pay people to sit on the beach, ha, but if there is one I hope she finds it.

I explain this because intention is very important.  Emotions are super important.  If I were to be kind to her face but black in my energy towards her, or hating on her in my conversations about her, etc., then it is not only unfair and hurtful but also it would create bad shit for my own life, and I am not willing to do that.  So I try my best.  But David knows this and sees me try.  It is not always easy trying to live from a place of goodness always.  Let me tell you.  I flipped someone a hard bird the other day, and I yelled at a woman in the store who was shaking her head at me because I was reprimanding my child for asking me for something for the 27th time.  I told her to come shake her head at me in my face, and that I am not raising an asshole child so I WILL correct him if I want to, even in public (and all I was doing was telling him to PLEASE STOP while I was trying to focus on the task at hand, that task being buying us a freaking pool!)  I'm not Mommy Dearest but I do correct him when I need to, and apparently society does not like this and thinks we should simply coddle our children and let them speak out of turn and give them every single thing they ask for even when they've been told "Do not touch ONE MORE THING while we are shopping today!"

On that note though, I never say bad shit to my kid.  Well, I do tell him "You are making me nuts right now!  Please be quiet just for a bit!" because (like me) he is an incessant talker but he also makes noises, unconsciously.  Normally I am okay with it and realize it is just who he is, and OMG he is a super dear loving kind fun amazing brilliant creative social friendly funny endearing adorable little man!  He is SO super friendly, kind and wonderful!  But he's also special.  He discusses stuff a lot.  He "imagines" and then shares all the stuff he's working out in his brain.  The stuff he wants to build, the train depot he wants to own when he's older, on and on.  Once in a while though I can't focus when he's talking and... anyway this weekend I yelled at a lady who was standing in line and told her to "mind her business" because I'm going to parent how I choose to.  Yet I parent well.  I do have to reroute his loveable behavior at times but my son knows I mean well.  He tells me all the time that I am the best mom in the world, and he knows I do not say "mean" things to him.  I can get a little frustrated sometimes, lol, but I just say stuff like "Come on man move faster, let's go!" and I don't use words like stupid, etc.  Or bad boy.  I never call him a bad boy, ever.  Words hold power.

But again, I am not perfect.  I just try to brush myself off and move on quickly.  And keep good intentions.  That is why I journal my affirmations often to keep my thoughts straight.

So, this Neville Goddard.  If you are interested in knowing about manifestation and what to do in order to attain a happy blessed future then read about him.  One thing I want to stress is this- YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WHAT WE HAVE DEEMED AS PERFECTLY IN ORDER TO BE BLESSED.  You can eat a cheeseburger or cake.  You can relax all day.  You can take a mental health day and indulge in a massage.  You can have a beer.  If it does not actually harm you (think hard drugs or unprotected sex with someone that is going to leave you feeling less than good about yourself tomorrow) then do it.  Do what makes you happy.  It is the feeling of joy from the act that brings about goodness- and be thankful for the thing bringing you joy, even if it is a delicious slice of Chicago pizza.  If going to church brings you happiness then go for it!  But if you go to church out of obligation or guilt, and if you dread it and hate going- then do NOT do it.  Understand?  Same with working out.  If you work out and hate every single minute of it then either find a way to enjoy it or find a different way to get your exercise, maybe swimming or biking. 

Neville Goddard in the image above said don't worry about how it comes to you.  Just know what you want, and feel that thing.  Know the dream you have.  And don't worry about how it will come to you because a power bigger than the "human you" will make it happen.  So this is how I think about wanting to see James again and having a good talk with him, or even wanting to have him in my life again.  I cannot worry about how that would all work out.  If I do I will get scared or fret.  Instead I am trying to just allow myself to feel how good it would be to see his bright smiling face again and have him hug me with love and care.  To hear his gentle voice and see his blue eyes and hear him speak kind loving words to me again, like he once did- that would feel SO right, so good and so amazing after all this time, knowing the kind loving dear man I met.  I tell myself even if it is the only thing I can do, recalling his goodness, affirming who I know he truly is, even after all this time, and holding onto the hope of seeing him, knowing how wonderful it would be- maybe one day my heart's desire will be shown to me again, how I remember him from when we met on my 40th birthday under the blue moon.