Monday, September 18, 2017

Love


So I've been honest about this unexpected change in my circumstances but I hope it's obvious that I love James.  I love him.  He is truly the one I want in my life.  I always have since I met him.  It has been painful, so so painful, to be away from him for so long.  Total despair.  I don't even know how I've lived through the pain I've felt over being apart from him and wanting him in my life like I had him.  I want to share the dreams we spoke of.  That is why I am not "giving up" or letting go or moving on.  This kind dear man I am spending time with and sharing love with- I don't know what tomorrow brings with him.  I make him dinner.  I talk with him.  I bring him happiness.  Love is what I am in his life.  Just love.  I am a good loving person and I am easy to love... so it is what it is for the moment.  I have too much on my mind and in my heart to think any farther than that when it comes to all this.

But James- I hold him in my heart always.

I do hold a place for him in my heart.

Whirlwind





Life is really weird right now.  Good but strange and not what I expected, at all.

So this man, D, has spent a lot of time with me.  He loves me.  I can't explain how this happened.  I didn't mean to meet someone else.  I did not intend to spend time or share love with another man.  I have tried to be really honest on my blog and I will continue to do so.  It's been four years since I met James.  Actually right now, this very time of year, is so challenging because this is when we were dating and the weather feels like James.  The shifting seasons, the changing leaves, the smell and feel of fall in the air- the crisp cool nights with bright clear skies that highlight the luminous stars shining down... all of it reminds me of James.  Walking hand in hand with James.  Seeing James smiling at me.  His kind kisses.  How much he loved me.  It all breaks me up.  I can barely think of it.  I still honestly miss James a ton.  I miss my Atheist Geologist scientist brilliant funny charming sweet kind friendly sweetheart.  It's... really difficult.

So it sounds like I'm being a contradictory hypocrite, right?  I am missing one man but spending time with another.  Well... this is a good lesson in me not judging anyone for choices made during this experience.  I felt like I was dying.  For anyone who has read my blog, all of that pain and suffering and angst and missing a person until it feels like I am going to die from the pain of not having that person in my life is real.  Here is how I can explain it: I could not find a balance between being alone, missing James and feeling any happiness in my life.  I just couldn't do it.  I have fought so hard for four years to "get this thing done" and try to be reunited with my twin soul.  I've told myself to be with no one else.  I stayed alone and single pretty much this whole time.  I only made love one time and that was with James last year when somehow he was able to come back.  We made love and then he dis-a-fucking-ppeared again.  He appeared and then he "dis" appeared and while I know this has to do still with energy and this process and all that- it still almost killed me to have him back in my arms again, inside my heart and my body, and then to be gone.  Nearly killed me.  Because I love him with all my heart and all I want is him back in my life so to have a brief yet intense taste of him and his love and then nothing, oh my God that hurt so much.

I am only so fucking strong.

Still I fought.  In thinking about all this I can say that any time I thought of "getting a boyfriend" or "dating" it was in response to feeling down or irritated or even scared.  Antsy.  Antsy is a good word.  I'd feel antsy and unsettled and I'd think "I'll date then."  But I was always shown not to do so in those situations.  And there were other things too- but overall I felt like being with another man while I am separated from my twin soul was very wrong.  Like it would keep James from me.  Like I was being unfaithful or "letting James go."  Giving up.  Believe me I am battling this feeling right now- like I've given up.

But see, that is the thing.  I have NOT given up.  I don't know what to say!  This new man, D, I feel like I am love in his life, and he is love in my life.  I care about him.  He cares about me.  He knows all about James.  He knows I love James.  He can tell it's been a long hard four years.  He knows that I cherish James and our connection.  I told him I refuse to do anything besides protect James... like protect his memory and his place in my heart.  D said he was willing to accept that.  He says I am a huge source of joy in his life.  I can't help it.  I didn't go looking for this.  And it IS nice.  D IS loving and wonderful to me.  I actually like him which I never thought would happen again, and one thing that is VERY important to me is D is a sweetheart.  A good man.  He genuinely cares about me.  He says he loves me and he can't help it.  I do love D.  I can't help but love him; he's great.  But that does not mean I don't love James too because I do.  Very much.

I realize that I dreamed about D before I connected with him two weeks ago but in the dream I did not realize it was him.  I wrote the dream down and re-read it last week and was like OMFG- it's D I was dreaming about!  I dreamed I was making love with a man who was not James and it felt... loving.  But still bittersweet because I knew it was not James but I still loved James yet the man in the dream felt like "relationship lovemaking."  And I didn't understand it.  I woke up thinking... why did I have that dream?  Usually if I dream of "sex" it's nasty and feels terrible.  This was very different.  Only now do I realize the dream was of D.  It's all so strange.  D and I both have received messages of "Enjoy this gift" and to "Live in the now."  To enjoy the moment and not worry about what the future holds.  And for me I've been given many signs to have no guilt.  To not feel badly or like I'm doing something "wrong."  I've been shown that yes my heart feels complicated because I love two men, and one I miss terribly.  One I've wished to be my life, my everything, for so long.  And I still want James in my life.  But I was told to "not despair" and to realize everything serves a purpose.

It is only love.  Nothing less.  It's intense right now.  It is obviously some type of soul connection but it is different than James.  It is not "twin soul-ish" and with James... everything was so perfect and just what I needed at that time.  I will always cherish how SWEET our time together was.  Sweet.  We talked for hours.  We only kissed for weeks.  All those nights of being on my couch wrapped around each other kissing.  It was pure and beautiful.  I CHERISH that with all of my heart.  Nothing can take that truth away from me.  James used to come visit me and he'd walk in and hug me and then we'd sit down on my couch and he would smile and touch my face and he'd kiss me like he'd been waiting since the day he was born to kiss me.  He'd kiss me and kiss me.  But it was just kisses and embraces.  Well I'd moan a little because he did turn me on and he is so fucking adorable and handsome and nice to look at and be close to but we kept it kisses.  No heavy petting.  No grinding.  It was sweet and innocent and I love him for giving that to me.  I miss James.  I miss our sweet relationship and our friendship.  I miss our talks and I miss seeing his bright smiling face.  I miss how we were two strangers who grew to know each other and fall in love and date and be boyfriend and girlfriend and he was just an angel to me in every way.  Every. Single. Thing he did to me and for me was adorable and wonderful and kind and generous.  He was every dream I ever had come true.  And it absolutely kills me that we do not talk and he is not in my life.  I miss him so fucking much.  It still hurts.  Of course it does.

So no, I have not "given up."  I cannot explain this situation.  I only know that I felt like I was dying and then suddenly I found myself in the life of a man who also felt like he was dying and we love each other.  While I also love James.  I'm gonna be frank here too- I am a 44 year-old very passionate loving woman.  Staying isolated was becoming very hard.  I did try hard.  I stayed militantly "faithful" to James for almost four years.  He was the only man I really wanted to be with.  But it was challenging to say the least, being alone all the time.  I did it though, and honestly I had intended to continue.  Then D happened.  And I am no longer "alone" and I'm not celibate either.  I'd think my twin has not been celibate either (I mean come on) and I don't begrudge him having love in his life since I, for whatever reason, was unable to allow him to come back to me.  It is nothing I like to think about but I am mature enough to realize we all deserve to be loved and actively have love in our lives... with someone we care about.  Um, the thought makes me cry.  I want James with ME.  But being as mature and strong as I can- he's not here, has not been here, and I can't expect that he's been alone.  Unrealistic and wrong for me to wish that at all.  That is as far as my brain and heart can go, okay?  Because really all I've wanted is to be cuddled up in his arms every night for the last four years.  Being apart slays me.  All I can think is if I met James face to face again I'd be honest and he'd understand.  Because unconditional love understands.  It understands ache and pain and loneliness and constantly fighting and fighting to do the right thing.  Unconditional love understands how hard it is to be alone without romantic love or companionship for so long, especially all while longing and loving and aching for the person I love and miss dearly.  I tell myself he'd understand- if the moment comes when I get my miracle, when James can talk to me openly and HONESTLY and be the caring compassionate man I met and who I know he is- then I won't need to feel ashamed or guilty for allowing myself to be loved by someone else despite how hard I've tried to stay alone and untouched and celibate.  I did try.  I love James so much- why do you think I chose to be alone all this time?

I have no answers.  I don't know how sharing love with another man will affect my union.  I refuse to refer to D as my "karmic partner" or "near twin" or any other stupid trite ridiculous label that covers pretty much the one title of "soul mate."  He's my soul mate.  I can feel it.  Soul energy.  Lovely.  Warm.  The kind of energy where a person's physical appearance is not as important as how that person "feels."  That is how D is with me- he "feels" good.  It's not of this world, and even he knows this.  IF I manifested D- I did it without realizing it.  I only know that whatever it is- it is GOOD.  A blessing.  A reprieve for both of us.  I'm being as conscious as I can of being an "aware manifestor" about this situation with D.  He's kind and generous with me (like James was when James was allowed to be his gentle loving self only with me) and I am working to simply say "thank you" and accept a gift.  Accept a kind word or gesture, or flowers or a sweet card.  Not always the easiest thing for me.  I am working to tell God "Thank you for this blessing.  I appreciate D and his kind heart and sweet love."  Gratitude is what I am shooting for, nothing less.  Love is a good thing.

I've had it stressed to me to NOT worry about how this will play out in the future.  To enjoy the moment.  To be in the now.  To "enjoy" my life right now.  So I am trying very hard to do so with no guilt.  I've been 110% honest and transparent and I will continue to do so.  Guilt can be a killer for me so I'm working hard to keep that in check.  D knows my heart and my feelings.  I'd be fully honest with James if that moment happened... but I guess when you lose contact with a person and you don't talk for like 18 months it all starts to feel... softened, fuzzy.  The only part of this situation with James that does not feel any less intense is my love and affection for him and how much I miss him.  I still get signs.  I still hear songs that speak to me.  And last night, dear Lord, D said to me, "You are genuine.  It's very real and you can't be any other way can you?"  I told him no I cannot be anything other than genuine because I try to have a strong moral code.  I am trying to live with honesty and love.  But James said the same thing to me one night after we'd talked on the phone for a while, one of our strong reconnect moments.  He text me and said, "You are genuine and that is beautiful and rare and I think it is what I love most about you."  This was in the midst of some heavy flirting and sweet words and maybe a semi-nude photo or two but instead of telling me how hot I am he chose to tell me how genuine I am.  I love that about him but last night with D- it reminded me of James.

My belief is still that James loves me and always has.  I guess I just... didn't know what to do anymore.  I did not write as much anymore (my manifestation work) because seriously I couldn't do it.  I still wrote off and on but not like 25 pages a day which is what I was doing before.  Even if it did shift the energy and at times bring James closer to me I was unable to bring myself to keep it up after the silence was continuing for so long.  Not because I don't care.  Not because James isn't important enough.  I just simply could not do it any longer.  I love James.  I feel he is a wonderful unique special man who has a beautiful and strong connection with me, a connection like no other.  And I adore him.  I also know he loves me.  I feel in my heart that somehow he still misses me and wishes we could be together.  I still want to be with him.  Nothing can change that.  Nothing can change how much I love and adore my twin soul.

Yeah it's a interesting situation.  But I am super duper loving.  Loving people comes so easy to me and D is a GOOD man.  He's not just "someone" I found because I didn't want to be lonely.  He's special to me now.  We feel like we've known each other forever.  He was in such dark despair suffering from the sadness of missing his late wife.  But now, with me, he's much happier, brighter, and feels like he wants to live again.  I can't question that.  I won't.  I will only accept it, believe that everything happens for a reason, and take this day by day.  Trusting the divine does not come easily to me but in this case all I can say is "Thank you for bringing me a blessing when I felt like I was dying."  D is not James.  He does not replace James.  He doesn't even take away how much I miss James or my sadness.  What he does is bring me some much needed joy and happiness as I do for him, and I appreciate that we are able to be good and kind and loving to each other.  I'm not giving up.  I'm not telling the universe that I am "moving on."  I'm going to enjoy this blessing and be thankful and grateful like I've been shown to while at the same time I still cry and miss James and love him and ache to hug him and talk to him again like we used to.

I really don't know what else to do.



Monday, September 11, 2017

Love Is...


What is love?  I'm not sure I can answer that question.  I know what love isn't.  Love is not fear or anger or spite or negativity.  I'm trying to avoid any of these emotions.

I still really love James.  I still wish he was here.  I'm confused about what has happened in the last week.  I always felt that I have to stay very very far away from all other male energy or attention so I don't block or repel my twin.  I explained how I met this other person, D.  D is... the last man I'd ever think I'd spend time with or love.  He is older than me and I wasn't "looking" to be connected with anyone else.  As a matter of fact I was avoiding it.  Trying to be perfect.

This is totally uncharted territory for me.  D is a sweet man, and he's been hurting terribly.  I've only been myself with him and (although this seems to silly to say) he thinks I am some kind of angel.  His life has been painful for the last two years with his beloved wife suffering and then dying.  He's been alone and grieving.  Naturally he's a friendly jolly happy man.  All I can say is after spending some time together he feels more like himself.  I didn't mean for this to happen but I like him, and I know I make him happy.  He comes over for dinner, and he invited me and my son to the first cookout he's had in two years.  He asked us to shop with him because he said he's forgotten how to live and could use my help with this first shot of getting back on his feet again.  PJ and I spent the day with him and his family (including his step-daughters who are his late wife's daughters) and we had a fun time.

The future, even tomorrow, I have no idea.  I told D that it scares me because I can only take this day by day.  I have no idea how he ended up in my life.  But D knows I love James and want to see him again, and that my dream is to be with him.  He says he respects the love I have for James.  Yesterday his family was highly skeptical of me.  He's 54 years-old and he wears his heart on his sleeve and his wife has not been gone for very long (although she was sick for an extended period) and he's obviously vulnerable.  They wanted to know- what do I want from him?  What am I after?  Nothing.  I didn't go looking for him.  He initiated and kinda shocked both of us. I have my own career, my own money, and I can buy myself whatever I may want or need.  But some things in life money cannot buy.  If I did not like D I would not spend time with him.  If I wasn't drawn to him or attracted to him I might help him (like make him some meals) but I wouldn't cuddle with him or be affectionate; it takes a lot for me to share affection with someone.  I protect the Hell out of myself and my emotions and I don't let many people too close to me. I don't connect with most men that way. James was the last man I made love with.  James is really the only man I've wanted to touch me in these last four years.  What I am trying to say is if I am going to share my time with a person then it's going to be because I WANT to, because I am drawn to that person, because I feel safe and good with that person.  That is how I felt about James, and I've always WANTED to me with James again.  It hurts so so so bad to ache for this one person day in and day out.  I honestly thought it could never ever feel good or right to kiss or touch another man.  But with D it feels... safe and good. With James it felt perfect though- and I still miss that perfect connection with James.

D knows though.  He knows I don't want to discuss a future with him.  He says he understands totally.  Last night when we were talking I brought this up again because by the end of the party yesterday his family was way more comfortable with me and my son.  They realize I have a great career, am fiercely independent, I am used to taking care of myself and am not even comfortable having it any other way, and I helped all day.  It's obvious he's been depressed, and it's obvious he had a very sick wife he was taking care of- his house needs some TLC.  Since I had the opportunity while I was helping cut up veggies and preparing food for the cookout I made sure to "wash up" a bit in his kitchen, wiping counters, throwing some crap away, straightening, piled up some stuff to get it out of the way so I could reach some surfaces that need to be wiped down.  I opened up some windows that probably haven't been opened in a while and I noticed there are many other things he could use some help with.  I helped clean up when we were all done eating.  That's ME.  It is my nature to be the "helper" and the domestic one.  His family saw me in their "mom's" kitchen and it was hard but I am a super nice person so by the end of the night they said they felt their dad is safe with me and they are happy he has some happiness in his life instead of only being in pain day in and day out.

And MY GOD do I know how that feels.  D knows I'm hurting.  He can tell.  But in no way did I want to compare my pain to his- he lost his wife who he loves dearly and was married to for 20 years.  But last night I said- hey what's going to happen if your family likes me and you love me and then we can only be friends?  I'll always care for you but it would be different- what happens then?  He said he knew what he was getting into because I told him, clearly.  He knows I love James.  He knows how I feel, who I want to have as my future (as early as tomorrow if possible) but he also realizes that I care about him too and I like that he's happy and I like helping him- and I like how it feels when he hugs me, and I have not had that for a long time.

D said to me something that made me sob, and I don't normally cry around men.  D has cried a bunch of times because he's got lots of emotions he's processing which I understand and I'm very compassionate- I know he misses his wife.  My heart goes out to him.  But he asked me "Are you happy?"  I smiled and told him yes I am happy.  But I am also sad.  I can't lie or hide how I feel.  I said I'm happy to spend time with D; he's so sweet.  But I am sad because it doesn't make me stop missing James or wanting to see him again.  D said, "I think it is actually easier for me because she is gone, totally.  But for you James is still out there and it's still open and that must hurt bad."  And I immediately started crying and said yes, exactly and no one can really understand what it feels like to mourn a person who is still alive, a person who told me he still loves me and always has, a person who said he does want me in his life- but for some reason I have not been able to get him here no matter how much I've loved him and wanted him here with me.  I love James.  D knows I love James because he says only a woman who is totally completely fully genuinely purely unconditionally in love with a man would try like this for almost four years.  He knows I have worries about the "rules" of energy and what might block my chances of ever seeing James again.

But I also know that D brings joy to my life where I've had very little.  And it's wearing on me, badly.  So I am making the choice to go day by day and "enjoy" him as a blessing while I also help him with some things in his life, and with taking some of his pain away.  He said he hurts every day but it's not as bad, and that's good.  He's healing.  It is a blessing that I can be honest with him about James, fully honest.  That way I don't feel like I am being devious or manipulative.  If I was not honest with D about how I feel about James, that I love him and still wish for him to be able to be in my life, or even just that I have this man in my heart and on my mind, then I'd feel terrible if I got close to him.  I'd feel like I was lying through omission which is not what I want for my life.  It's a unique situation since I don't have to hide my love for James or my hope that a miracle can still occur for us.  I think D has even googled soul mates and soul energy because we both feel like we've known each other for a very long time and also because he wants to understand the twin soul thing.  I told him to please not read about twin souls online because most of the info on the web is shit.  But D clearly knows how I feel and what I believe.

D says that if/when this changes we will remain friends, and we will.  I would hope that in his future once he is healed enough he might meet someone whose heart is fully available, who is looking to have a future together, so he can have another loving long-term relationship with a good woman.  For now I can watch out for him.  He hugged me last night and said, "I am so glad I met you like this.  If I was ever going to love another woman besides my wife I am glad it is you because you will be careful with me where any other woman could destroy me."  He knows I'd never be cruel to him.

To be honest I got no fucking clue what to do with all this.  All along I've felt it is wrong in the moments when I've been tempted to be with anyone else besides James.  At times I've even been shown a reflection and it has not always been great.  So I'm not sure why this feels different to me or if I am ready to just LIVE instead of worrying that I am making the wrong choice.  It's not wrong.  Loving someone who is hurting and needs to heal and who is sweet  (even with no guarantee of a future together) can't be anything but good. I am choosing that it is good.  I am so tired of always being worried.  Yes I want to have James back with me more than I want anything else in the whole world... but I've loved him and ached for him and wanted him and I cry over him and pine and mourn until it feels like I am going to die.  It hurts so much, and no amount of writing in a journal or hearing a song play on the radio is enough to ease my pain.

I still firmly believe James has not been with me due to MY energy and intention.  I will always believe that.  And I swear to you I've tried so hard to do what I feel I'm supposed to in order to bring him closer to me.  I've believed in this twin soul experience 110%, and I still do!  I ADORE James.  I love him and I miss him so much.  I believe him to be a very good man who loved me and still does.  I believe when he told me he loves me and wants me in his life.  I believe he thinks I'd make the best wife, and he's wanted me to be his wife.  But what do you do when you try and try and you can't seem to change it and the sorrow and sadness doesn't allow you to move further in any way?  I just don't know.  I miss James.  I miss James so much.  I miss him every day.  I want to make James dinner.  I want to go to cookouts with James.

I told D flat out, "Don't try to win me over.  I already like you plenty.  Just be yourself.  Don't think you can make me forget about James or want him any less because it won't happen."  And I mean that.  I only want D to be kind and friendly like he is.  He is not James.  I don't love him like I love James.  It's more of a caring type of love, but I guess I feel guilty because he feels good to kiss- although if I had my choice I'd be kissing James all night long like I used to.  I love James and wish he was here.  Yep I'm confused but trying to not be scared or feel guilty or wrong.  James always told me I'd make the best wife.  He said he wanted to marry me.  I know he didn't change his mind, and it kills me knowing that despite how much I've loved him and wanted him with me I am still here without him.  I will always hope and pray to see James some day.  I would love to have him in my life.  No one can ever compare to him.  Yes I might be able to love other people but I'll never love anyone like I love James.

Bittersweet, let me tell ya.  I still miss him every single day.

Jennifer

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Holding


Just let me hold you.

Holding.  I am so overwhelmed right now.  I've been tense and unhappy and maybe not in the best mood.  I've been finding it difficult to think positive, feeling kind of shitty although I try really hard to focus on my blessings to keep my energy where it should be.  And then this past weekend suddenly something's happened that I was not expecting or looking for, at all.  I don't have the energy to process it all right now.  I can tell you that normally I have an aversion to other men (who are not James.)  I want James to touch me.  I want James to kiss me.  I want James to be the one who holds my hand, who holds me close.  And I SWEAR on all things holy that I've tried.  Maybe I have not done enough focus work, or writing, or or or.  I don't know.  But I am tired.  I am sad.  It is hard to have the inspiration to keep up what used to help shift things when I'm so sad.  I have said here over and over (even when people argue with me over it) that I KNOW James is a wonderful person!  I know this!  It makes me cry!  He was so good to me, and I still love him SO much, and all this time what I have really wanted is for him to be here with me, in my life.  I've been militantly staying clear of other men.  For a little less than four years (four years October 17, 2017 to be exact) I've felt alone.  I love James but he's not been here and that has been very hard on me.  Because I miss him.  I have not felt "tempted" to date anyone or talk to anyone else.  One of the reasons why is because with him I felt I was purified.  His pure gentle patient love for me showed me, reminded me, of who I truly am and what I deserve and how I need to be loved.  I need a very gentle real genuine love.  That is James.  He was patient with me, and I love that about him so much.  So much.  He waited for me and showed me what I deserve.  He knew all I wanted was to be held, kissed, touched gently... lovemaking, real lovemaking.  No fake shit.  Nothing but being close, faces close, hands held together, kisses kisses kisses.  Lots of kisses.  And finally, when the time was right for me, good close loving lovemaking.  It was all very real and good and beautiful.  I remember that, and I miss him.

Because he was so good to me I've not wanted to "ruin" that or scar it or... what is the word?  I did not want to defile the clean beauty of being with him, my perfection, by being close to anyone else, anyone... less.  Because he is more.  He is an angel to me, that's how I feel.  I feel very pure and clean after being with him, and I didn't want to be with anyone else but him so I did my best to stay away from other men.  This weekend I was walking home and I stopped to talk to a neighbor I recently met, his wife passed away last spring and I met him for the first time this past 4th of July; we met and he told me about his wife, how much he'd loved her, how happy they were together.  He cried when we met that first time, and apologized and I told him not to apologize.  I thought it was a beautiful thing, how precious their relationship was- it was a marriage most people ache for and it was obvious he was this really normally happy guy who was hurting badly.

Well- I didn't have my son this weekend.  I was coming home from a festival by my house (walking) after having a few beers and, ha, writing in my journal because I DO have the best of intentions.  I do.  Turns out that despite grieving his wife (who he was deliriously in love with for 20 years) this man has wanted to get to know me better since meeting me.  He says I made an impression on him.  He invited me in and offered me another beer and we talked for a while and watched "The Arrival" and somewhere in there I stupidly drank another beer (on a totally empty stomach) and he, not knowing that I was getting pretty drunk, was gently touching my arm and I was internally freaking the fuck out!  I was shocked because I (naively?) assumed the whole thing with his wife passing away... I just thought he was being friendly in talking with me.  So when he stroked my arm I was thinking "I can't let another man touch me like this" while at the same time being totally freaked out because... I didn't mind it.  I almost welcomed it, and that scared me most.  I normally have a really large aversion to any other man touching me.  To have that aversion disappear was startling, and it was not the beer.  Then he tried kissing me but I pulled away and said, "I can't, I can't" and he thought I found him unattractive so I tried to explain about being in love with someone, someone who he's never seen me with- all he has seen is this single mother with an adorable child, or maybe an adorable single mother with an adorable child is how he thinks about me.  I told him about James.  That I love him and I've wished to be with him and I miss him and I told him I believe we are meant to be together so I don't date or have boyfriends.

I'm dying inside right now.  I guess he kissed me but I don't remember because... too much alcohol on an empty stomach and I recently dropped about 20 lbs so there is not as much of me to process the beer.  I didn't expect to drink that much, and I absolutely 100% did not expect to have this man who lost his wife not long ago try to kiss me.  I woke up at home the next morning with The Mother of All Hangovers wondering how I got home.  Wondering what I did or said, and that sucks.  And it's embarrassing!  I wasn't driving.  It's not like I was on a "date."  I didn't mean for ANY of that to happen.  Turns out we kissed for a bit, and apparently I liked it, and then I said I had to go home and he walked me home and made sure I got in the house.

Oh good Lord!  So here is this man who hasn't touched another woman in over 20 years besides his wife and I am the first woman he decides he wants to try and kiss.  After 20 years and then helping his dying wife through her suffering and now being sad and missing her.  And I didn't remember it.  I felt horrible, and he's a super nice man.  It's obvious he has a huge heart.  He asked to take my son and I out for dinner and ice cream and we talked and later he asked if he could kiss me where I would know it, and I said no.  Because of James.  But honestly I didn't want to say no, and that's a first.  That is the first time in four years that I felt like I would really like to kiss someone else simply because I was drawn to him.  NOT because I felt sad or lonely or I was frustrated and looking for a distraction.  I was not looking for anything.  I was walking home and said hi to the neighbor!  I expected to go home and spend the evening by myself.  I told him no and said, "I really do love this other person.  So much."  He understood but was sad and I hugged him.  But later I was alone and thinking... oh holy shit.  How horrible, to kiss someone new for the first time in over 20 years, after losing the person you loved most in the whole world, and I didn't remember it.  If I didn't like him at all as more than friends then of course I would not kiss him- you can't force that.  But the only reason why I told him no was because I felt like "I'm not supposed to" because I do love James and wish he was with me and it made me sad and didn't feel right so I went over to see him and I did kiss him.  And we talked and he said he had the worst day the day before (when I said hi to him) because he was packing up some memorable items of his wife's and it made him terribly sad and he was asking God "how long am I going to feel like I'm dying, help me out please," and then there I was and he's thought of me since meeting me so he made the conscious decision to see what would happen if he tried to get to know me better.

He said he felt like I was supposed to be there.  I told him I feel like I am bobbing around in the ocean without a life jacket right now.  He knows how I feel about James.  I had to be honest with him.  I told him about the connection I believe I have with him.  I told him I can't really talk about why he's not here but there is one thing I am adamant about and that is I want no negative talk about James; he doesn't deserve it.  He's not here to be able to explain himself as to why he's not here and I love him and believe in him so it's the one thing I won't tolerate.  He said he understands, and he clearly understands that I love this man no matter what, and that my wish is he could be back with me.  I don't remember the words he used to explain it but he said any woman who chooses to stay alone for almost four years because she loves a man who is not in her life must be honestly and truly in love and he respects me for that.  He said he knows I want James to come back, and he said he hopes he does come back.  But he also asked if I would please... keep him company for now.  That he truly likes me and he didn't think he would feel anything again after his wife but he does with me and he's happy for the first time in a long time.  He says I bring him joy and he likes being nice to me.  Thing is I like him, and I didn't think I could "like" anyone else.  But I'd bet my life on one thing, it's that very specific "energy" with him.  It's not his appearance; even he has said, "I ask myself what the Hell are you doing with me if you've avoided anyone else for a while?"  He said maybe I feel his "love" energy because he is super loving and kind.  I don't know what it is but it isn't normal.  And I am confused but I know he is in a very sensitive spot, healing, and... I just can't desert him.

Yet I love James and I still wish he was with me, and that is super challenging for me.  I had just put James' picture back on my phone before this happened and this man has seen James' face when my phone was on the steps.  I can't hide that I love him.  I can't lie or be dishonest- and these days I don't even know WHAT to think or do.  I try so damn hard to be "perfect" and right and make the best choices and... I just don't know.  I don't know what to do.  Except take each day at a time.  I do love James.  I can't help it.  I've cried and cried yet this other man is sweet and I care about him.  I told him that I am terrified of hurting him because he can't keep me forever; I love someone else who I believe will be with me one day, or at least I pray and wish and hope for that to happen.  He said he'd be okay if I hurt him because James comes back, that he hopes I will be with James some day since I obviously love him so much.  But that he doesn't care if it hurts then because I bring joy to his life right now.

I have no idea what to do besides just give this one up to the universe and say yes this person feels very good and kind and sweet and how he talks to me and wants to treat me reminds me very much of James and how sweet and kind and good he was to me.  I've been lonely and sad for a long time.  To be hugged by someone who feels safe and good is undeniably welcome.  But I remember that is how it felt to be hugged by James too.  I can't help but wish it was James; James is who I truly want.  I don't know the effect of honestly caring for someone else for the sake of love and goodness (not out of fear or anger or resentment or boredom, etc.) on a twin soul connection.  I just don't know.  Uncharted territory for me.  I AM still human.  I try to do my best.  I try to live through loving choices.  I did NOT plan for this, and I am not sure if I asked for it somehow and don't realize I did.  What I've truly wanted is to hear from James or see James but maybe something in my energy has not allowed that to happen.  I will forever only and always believe he wanted to stay with me, and that somewhere, somehow he still loves me.  Beyond that I have no freaking idea what to do, and I did not mean for this kind loving sweet hurting man to... look at me like I am some kind of an angel.  *holding my head in my hands*

I know.  I know.  I've adamantly said on my blog that I don't think I should be with anyone else, talk to anyone else, etc.  If a man contacts me I cut him off immediately.  And then this.  I've told James I want him and only him.  And I honestly meant it.  I love him.

I've been as honest as I can.  I am tired, inside and out.  I am surprised I am still alive after these four years.  One thing I can say is- I feel okay in that this other man is a good man too.  Not "less."  He is not James, and the one I truly wish for is James.  But he is not less.  He's a good kind caring person too, as is James.  But I cannot help but miss James, still.  Nothing and no one could ever replace him in my heart.  I miss my sweet scientist.  I miss all our politics talk.  I miss his love of 80s music.  I miss his blue eyes and his sweet kisses and his tender hands and gentle touch.  I miss his smile.  I miss his soft voice.  I miss his walk.  I miss... everything about him, don't think I don't miss him.  This is not a situation of "Well if he's not going to be with me then why should I be alone?"  I've never felt that way.  It's not resentment or spite inside of me.  Right now I'm actually a little (no a lot) overwhelmed.

Cassady Cayne has an article about being with someone else besides a twin flame.  She says that when we do that it is purely out of fear.  I can see that if I had dated anyone else throughout these last four years- it may have been a choice made out of fear, frustration, etc.  Really I have never wanted to "date" anyone else.  I've wanted James.  I don't even know how I feel right now- but it's not fear.  It's not running off from fear.  It's more that this person is hurting and I can tell he's so happy know me.  And he feels good when I didn't imagine anyone else could ever again.  Is that wrong?  Because I feel... sad.  Good but still sad because I miss James and love him so much and all I've wanted is him here.  It's hard to not know what to do, what is the best choice, "follow my heart" when my heart really wants to be married to James and living with him and him by my side.  And I've tried so hard.  I've loved James so much, and I've missed him almost to the point of insanity.  To where it hurts so deeply that I keen, cry out, am at such a loss.  Is it totally hypocritical?  I've shared how I feel.  I love someone else.  But for some crazy fucking reason I do care about this other person.  I care that his heart has been broken.  He feels good to hug, and kissing him isn't so bad either yet I still love James.  I want to walk with James and hold his hand.  And I am scared.  I am scared that if I genuinely love someone else then I won't see James again.  That scares me.  We never had an ending.  It never ended.  And I do still love him with all my heart.  I can't stand the thought of not seeing him again or knowing him again.  It makes my heart so so so sick that I can't even conceptualize.  I love him and he was suddenly gone and I have grieved him, missed him and ached for him ever since. 

This person I met, he says he understands totally because if his wife could be with him again he'd be with her in a heartbeat, no matter what.  He really really loves his wife but she is gone and I know how much it hurts when someone you love is suddenly gone.  It's really hard.  It hurts.  I figure if anything I can be good to him for a while.  He could use someone being good to him considering that he's been through so much suffering, and God knows if there is one thing I do well it is love people.  He can tell I love James.  He knows I'm definitely not going to be looking elsewhere, beyond knowing him and loving James.  I can't even give my heart to him fully.  Only partially but it seems my heart is so large that even giving someone part of my heart is more than most people share with each other when they give all of theirs.
 
Feeling this much aches so deeply.  I don't think anyone could understand how I am feeling.  There is no word for it.  Nothing fits.


If these wings could fly...I'd still fly right to you.

xxoo Jennifer


Friday, August 25, 2017

Desire


I've been thinking about the advice people have given me about doing whatever I can to make myself happy, live for me, be happy, and then James would come back.  But it feels like setting a person up for failure because how can you be totally happy and feel fulfilled when the one thing you want most is gone?  I understand that the advice is always well meaning, people want to help.  I appreciate people trying to help.  But sometimes the advice actually doesn't help.

Had I never met him then I would not know what I'm missing.  So let's say I was single and really hoping to meet a nice man and have love in my life, that would be different because I would not be missing something wonderful that I already had and knew.

I feel like I have a huge weight on my chest; it's almost hard to breathe.  This time of year, the weather, totally reminds me of being with James.  I ask myself- would it be like this ten years from now? Twenty?  Such vivid memories, still?  Because it's been four years and still I can remember walking with him, how the August nights felt.  And then September.  September 2013 was like the best month of my entire life.  I spent it being immersed in James' love, his sweetness, his silliness, his friendliness and caring personality.  I remember his sweet smile and how he'd look at me.  His smile- it haunts me.  I swear.  It's so hard.  This is so hard, and I have to wonder- are there others out there who feel like I do?

Do any of you who read this blog hurt because you miss this person, and nothing helps to ease that ache?  NOTHING?  It's been FOUR years and I still ache.  I feel like the only thing that would take the edge off at all is if I threw myself into another romantic relationship with someone else I liked.  Or even loved.  I already know I could love someone else... but I'd still love James, and I'd love him most.  I'd be haunted, always wondering.  I can't do that.

So I stay alone.  I stay alone when I'm lonely and I really want a romantic partner in my life, and I miss James with all my heart.  I hurt.  I'm frustrated and I hurt.

And then I also wonder- well what if he WAS "just to teach me."  What if?  But I can't accept that- it breaks my heart and I'll tell you why.  I hope at least one of you out there can understand this.

James never stopped loving me.  We were hardcore in love when we parted.  That kind of love where you can't wait to get your hands on the other person, where they are all you think about, and you smile simply because you know them.  He loved being with me.  He hated being away from me.  He told me I was the woman he'd hoped for, that he finally found the perfect woman for him.

He called me, "My future."

Seriously it is UNREAL that suddenly he was gone, and then all this happened.  It should NOT have happened.  There was no problem between us, no relationship issue, no lack of love.  All we did was love each other, and I'm serious- I was traumatized when all of this happened, and I still am.  I won't ever ever heal from the trauma of having someone I fell so hard in love with, gave my heart to fully and completely, adored, grew to trust, felt was a dear friend, was the NICEST person I'd ever met, sweetest man ever, spent hours and days talking with him and connecting with him, kissing for hours and hours and hours and then finally making love and it was sweet genuine REAL love we made.

The first time I made love with him it was so... right.  It felt like, ugh, just so clean and pure and right.  Love, all love.  Healthy and safe.  Comforting and healing.  And I told God James would be the last man I'd ever be with, that I wanted to marry him and be his forever.

Never have I ever loved someone so hard or deeply.  So true.  He's all I could think about.  He made me so happy.  So imagine how I felt when he was suddenly gone, and then quiet, and weird.  NOT REAL.  It was Hell.  I was traumatized.  In shock.  It felt like someone dear to me had died.  It was a suffering I really could not share with anyone because no one understood; I suffered much of it on my own, or with the help of whatever guides me.  Without that I would have died.  The pain was more than I could handle on my own.

And now four years later I'm still not healed from the shock and loss.  I'm not.  I don't feel the same as back then because now I truly believe he loved me then and loves me now but I have no idea when or if I'll ever see this man again, and THAT is totally traumatizing for me.  Talk about heartbreak.  OMG- I can't even.  To take two people who truly love each other... I know he loves me.  But not being able to talk to him, not knowing him, is killing me.  I miss him so much.  My heart hurts.  My chest is heavy.  I want to cry but then at times there are no tears left.  Just this blue sorrow inside when I remember him telling me over and over again that he would make love to me every night and be there for me and wanted me as his future and wanted to have a family with me and be my son's step-daddy.

It's nearly impossible to get over someone when that person is the person you truly feel was made for you, meant for you.  I feel like I was made for him, and him for me- we are that perfect together.  He used to tell me, even after all this happened and we'd reconnect, how much he appreciates me.  I thought that was really sweet.  I liked being close and intimate with him.  I want to be his lady which means I'd do anything for him.  And he'd email me and say, "I'm so lucky to have you.  I really appreciate you."  He'd stay up most of the night talking with me.  That sweet kind voice.

I'm dying inside.  This is a pain I would not want for anyone.  I just want him back.  I wish I knew how to be able to be in contact with James again, and NO it's not as easy as "going to find him" or just reaching out to him- when those avenues have been taken away, and when you know (like I do) that nothing I do physically (like trying to locate him or contact him or "convince" him) will change this- 3D workings don't work anymore unless they are meant to- it's really hard to accept.  I sit here missing him, and I don't WANT anything else.  I don't think people understand that.  I don't want a hobby.  I don't want to write a novel.  Even if I go on a vacation or out for a nice dinner- well that's all fine and dandy but STILL I ache on the inside, like every moment I'm awake.  HE is what I want, a life with James.  I want him.  Nothing else compares.  Nothing fills that void.  THAT is why I get so frustrated when someone tells me "Find your joy. Be happy.  Do you."  I would if I could- but nothing helps.  I've forced myself to make jewelry and it's terrible, pathetic energy.  I have NO passion for art or anything creative like that.  Believe me I've tried, and I really do hope that fire comes back to me some day; it used to be such a big part of me.

But right now I can't really help how I feel.  If I could don't you think I would have made it happen already?  I HATE feeling like this.  It's horrible.  I miss James so much; it's a pain I really can't explain.  My heart aches.  My heart wants him.  I'd do anything to hear from him.  I love him more than I can say with words.  What I want most in the world, my biggest wish, is to hear from him where he is himself again and we can talk normally, openly, honestly.  And I'd like to hug him and kiss him.

You know, I didn't see him for almost three years and a ton of crazy shit (much that I haven't told a soul) happened between us and STILL I saw him again.  And he held me and kissed me.  And talked with me and made me smile and was just so very "The James I remember."  And he was as much in an emotional upheaval as I was.  I could tell.  It was love, and he felt strongly.  I FELT him.  I know him.

So this makes me crazy.  I ache for him.  It hurts.  It's hard living like this.  I wish it would change now.  I love and desire him on every  level.

Jennifer

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

My Love

I remember pillow talk,  laying in your arms nuzzled against your chest. Those were the best times of my life.  I miss you so much. And I don't understand so I'm confused and it hurts. All of this now hurts. Living without knowing you at all hurts.

I know people read this and think all sorts of things but I'll tell you what - being in love with you and remembering you and knowing how good you are,  clearly recalling the beauty of the time we shared together, shows me how little regard people have for love when I get comments telling me if I would just do this or that then I'd feel better. Like no one can grasp that I'm blue because I miss the man I love. I miss you.

I want pillow talk,  laying in your arms after making love. Smiling and talking and laughing together.  Real genuine good healthy lovemaking, like we had together.  Lovers and caring friends.  I know you are my friend! I know it. I know you love and care about me. But being away from you hurts almost more than I can bear. I love you so much and there was no end to our love.

I wish I could hear from you again,  talk to you. I miss you. I wish I was with you cuddled in your arms tonight.

My sweetest friend I adore you.

xoxo Jennifer

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Blues



I'm struggling.  Still I ache and hurt, and it never goes away.  I can barely tolerate it but I have to live with it.  I really have no other choice.  This is a painful way to live though, I can tell you that.

Currently I feel like I live my life for everyone else but me.  My life is not how I want it to be, especially not my home life.  I am frustrated with my living situation and it's far from what I dreamed for my life.  I'm torn over things in my personal life.  I want to have my family now.  MY FAMILY.  My real family with a husband and wife and kid/s.  That is my dream.  So I feel hopeless, stuck and frustrated.  I have no mate or companion to confide in.  No shoulder to lean on.  No loving husband to come home to.  I want my loving husband.  I want my family.

I miss James so much that it makes me sick on the inside.  It affects my sleep.  It hurts my heart.  I can't stand it.  I don't like how I feel.  This is not the life I thought I'd have at this age.  It makes me so sad.  I'm not happy.  I wish I was happy.  I feel like I should be happy.  But I am not.

Nothing about this feels good right now.  I am confused.  I don't have much hope.  All I want is to talk to James, honestly and openly.  And it feels unfair that a conversation has not happened.

I live my life while being depressed and trying to hide it, trying to be thankful for what I have, at least trying to be positive even if I feel sad or hopeless.  But I honestly think I'm somewhat depressed.  If I didn't have my child I really think I'd kill myself so I could escape how Hellish I feel on the inside.  It is suffering.  No, not many people would understand it but no one else is walking in my shoes or knows how I feel on the inside.  I hurt so much, am so sad, miss James so deeply, that death feels like it would be an escape.  And it's not an option so I am stuck here, and I hurt.  I hurt because I love someone who was pretty much ripped out of my life in the most unbelievable of ways, and I have NO resolution, at all.  I am in limbo and it feels like Hell.  I want some type of resolution, answers, TRUTH.  I want the fucking TRUTH.  I'm confused right now.  I dislike limbo, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.  I need affirmation of some kind; without affirmation I am left wondering if I am ever going to hear from or see this man again, and we never ended, never had a real "goodbye," nothing bad happened between us for us to be apart and not talking- I didn't do anything bad to him, never.  It's unreal, and without truth and some type of resolution this feels like shit.  I ache to hear from James.  I miss him so much, and I am lonely but for him; I don't want to love somebody else.  The thought is saddening to me because it would be a tragedy since we shared a real honest genuine huge love that never had an ending.

I feel like I am losing my mind.  I hurt so much.  I can barely take this.  I only stay here, on earth, because I am a mother.  If I did not have my child I really feel like I'd find a pain-free way to end my life here so I could escape this torturous way I feel.  I honestly think the universe knew this when it brought my son to me.  Something out there knew if I did not have PJ in my life I'd end my life here in order to stop hurting.

It's absolutely horrible.

I pray for some positive change in my situation concerning my personal life, my love life, and my home situation.  I want to be truly fully happy in my life but for me that means I want to be happily married with my own happy family, husband, wife and kid/s.  A happy home with my family.  James used to talk with me about "When we are married" and thinking back to that, remembering it, is very painful for me.  I want what we talked about.  I want what we had.  I want our love back in my life.  I want him.  We separated for no reason that concerned not loving each other.  It's so hard to take knowing it was absolutely perfect with him, everything I've ever wanted in my life, this sweet dear good man who would be an amazing loving companion- and I ache for him.  I love him and miss him so much.

I'm feeling pretty low right now, the bluest of blue I guess.

Jennifer