Thursday, June 22, 2017


I saw this today and it makes me cry.  This is exactly how I feel about James.  He has the cutest smile ever, like totally adorable.  And he is friendly and laughs a lot.  He was so easy to meet and talk to and get to know, very easy to fall in love with.

But his caring heart is what swept me away and made me feel like... he was just too good to be true.  Because he was perfect in every way, and he was so caring with me.  He was gentle and kind and thoughtful and caring, loving and attentive, affectionate.  He did everything "right."  He "dated" me old school, was patient, respectful.  Yet still flirty and cute and so affectionate.

Yep.  That's why it hurts.  When you've had the best ever- so so so hard to be without him.  Hurts from morning until night.  I have never ever loved or missed anyone more than I love James and miss him.  I wish he was with me, a part of my life.  It is killing me on the inside to be away from him- it's the no contact, not knowing him, not being able to talk to him or say hello or see how he is doing- being away from my FRIEND- is the hardest part.  I love James.  I care about him, and when you love someone and care about that person you naturally want to talk and share and connect; it's how I feel about anyone I love.  But him the most.  I love him like I love my child to where James and PJ are the two people I want the closest to me... and one of them I can hug and love and talk to every day but the other... it hurts.  It hurts to ache to speak to the man I love most in the world yet have to accept the quiet while praying with all my might for it to change.

He is my biggest wish.  I miss him with every breath I take.  I miss his smile and his laughter and his caring loving heart.  I wish I could spend the rest of my life with him by my side.


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

I Wish

I wish I could wake up with James next to me in bed. There is a song that says something like "waking up is the hardest part."  Waking up to another day without him in my life is emotionally exhausting. I love James and miss him so much. It is a challenge to look back and feel very strongly that I know reasons why we are not together, knowing it's because of me.

I wish we were together. I miss him so much. I miss his sweet, long, loving, kind kisses. I remember the way he would touch my face before kissing me. His smile. He would smile as he leaned into kiss me. And I could tell that he was so happy to be with me. We went from "I can't stand being away from you-when can I see you next?" to silence. I can't accept that. I know there is more there.

I just know. But that knowing doesn't help my aching heart. My heart hurts. I miss him so much. He is on my mind as I fall asleep and I'm thinking of him as I wake up. I wish I knew a way that would allow us to see each other or at least have a conversation. I miss talking with my loving friend.

There are things I wonder that I can't explain here. Not really stuff about him. More me. I still feel like if James is not in my life then I'm more comfortable being a hermit than going out much. Like last weekend I went out to a 90s party. It was... not really my thing. I'm an 80s gal. I drank Zima and despite not being anywhere near drunk I had a vicious headache all day the next day. And I didn't have much fun. I would have felt better had I stayed home, wrote and read a book or maybe watched a show. I'm reading a book called "The Host" which is pretty good. And I want to re-watch "Stranger Things" because I'm sure the next season must be coming out soon.

I wish James was here. I get so sad thinking that if he could have stayed then we would be together almost four years now. But instead it has been four years of being away from this person who I'm so in love with, who I care about deeply, and that hurts.

I wish it was different.

I'm thankful to have a decently peaceful life. Overall if you put aside the heartache I have a good life. Great job, amazingly sweet adorable funny and happy child who loves being with me, good friends and family, an income that lets me pay my bills and enjoy life, and I physically feel good. And thankfully I sleep well. I don't have worries. I just miss the man I love most. I only want him and I feel very lonely like this, without him. Without any contact. I hate not knowing him. It sucks.

Throughout this time I've always felt if I don't know things about him then it is meant to be that way. I do believe "something" more knowledgeable than me has some hand in this so I do my humanely best to listen to whatever that is. I don't snoop or dig. If I was meant to know stuff about him then he would tell me himself. I pray to one day talk to him and have a normal honest conversation but for now I have to deal with the silence and only knowing that we love each other. I have to have faith that when things are right I will one day hear from him.

All the while I love him dearly and still miss him. Missing James is the hard part. Vividly remembering... shutting my eyes and being able to feel him kiss me, knowing I had everything I ever dreamed of in my arms and in my life- that is what brings me to my knees. He was so sweet and kind. Unique. Different than most men. So respectful yet flirty and cute and funny. Friendly. And James is sooooo handsome. I desire him too. I love him but I desire him too- I miss kissing him and holding him and being intimate, making love. I miss sitting and kissing and laughing. And our long long conversations.

When you spend such a perfectly wonderful Heavenly blissful time with someone... you just KNOW truth. I know this situation doesn't "fit" the standard definition of relationship. Still though I love him and want him in my life. No matter what. I'm sad. I live a good happy life but I'm sad inside. I wish he was here with me and my son. He said he does love me and wants me in his life. And that's what I want most.

I'm lonely for him. I keep pushing myself to get out and do social stuff but really I still feel I'm more comfortable being home or out for dinner with my friends or family, me and my son do a lot together. Fishing, being outside, making bonfires, going for walks, etc. All that feels good. But when he is with his dad I don't really like "going out" to bars or parties- mainly because it kills my heart to wish and wish and wish I had my Love with me. It hurts.

I do the best I can. I love him and would love to have him in my life. Life was so much happier when he was here. Happiest time of my life was when I knew James. He brought a unique and gigantic joy to my life and my heart. I miss his sweet face. I miss his voice. His hugs. His kisses. A lot of other stuff too like how he loves to make me feel good. It is painful to know I had such an irreplaceable gift in my life and to ache to want him back. Yes I'm thankful I knew him and had a taste of his sweet love but my God I miss him with every breath I take. I wish we were together now. I wish that more than anything. To sleep next to him every night and wake to his beautiful smile would be a dream come true.

I wish... he is my every wish.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Best Thing

OMG I'm crying while I listen to this song.

I wish he could have stayed.
I wish he was a part of my life right now.
I wish we would have lasted and went on to get married.
I wish he was PJ's step dad.
I wish we had a baby together.
I wish I could make dinner for him.
I wish I could have the experience of finally having a man take care of me once in a while like make me dinner or breakfast in bed, and I know he would- I wish that could happen.

It's kinda funny.  I am so used to taking care of myself.  I do it well.  Have been for a long time.  I don't really know how to "let" someone else take care of me but at the same time I wish for that experience, to have a man in my life I could rely on through thick and thin, who would be good to me when I am sick, who would talk with me and laugh with me and desire me and tell me I'm beautiful.  Who would want to take me fun places and go on vacation with me and just have fun together, happy easy fun.  I know James is that type of caring carefree happy good man.  He'd make the best husband a woman could ever ask for.  I just know it, and it makes my heart ache. I want it to be him SO MUCH.  I want him to be my husband.  I want him to be the man in my life who is good to me.

It is so very hard to know that besides my son James is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  And he is not here and it sometimes makes it hard to live.  Just existing hurts.  I can't breathe when I think about how wonderful it was to know him, how I had perfection in the palm of my hand, and how badly it hurts being away from him.

It is very painful when you lose something you love so much, a person you know would bless your life immensely, the person you've dreamed of forever, the person you've begged God for forever- and to have that person enter your life, love you and then disappear... it's not bearable.  I only deal with it because I have to live.  I have to be here on earth- there is no other option.  Believe me- I considered other options but they are not doable, not with a child and family and friends who love me and depend on me.

But living sometimes hurts very bad.  I miss James.  I miss him so much!  I wish I could talk to him.  I don't know what to do.  Every single day is a challenge.

And I feel guilty because I DO have good things in my life!  I do, and I recognize this.  I have such a wonderful child.  I think something out there must have known I was going to go through this Hell so it brought me PJ first.  He helps me.  He is a bright shining light, the most loving sweet funny happy joyful and amazing child.  We do have a lot of fun together, and I am lucky to have this healthy happy child.  I know I am.

But that does not take away my heartache.  My heart hurts.  I miss this person I love, and we had no resolution.  It's been ages since I talked to James and he sounded like the kind loving REAL man I met.  I know that man.  I remember him, and I refuse to make any final decision on this path until I've heard from James and he sounds like the man I met.

I've told God and the universe (and James) this over and over.  Once I hear from James and he sounds just like the guy I met, caring, considerate, kind, loving, protective... then I will believe and accept what he tells me.  Only then.  Until then I know none of this right now is "real" or right or honest.  Basically I don't believe anything I've heard from him when I know it's not authentic or real or honest.  When I know it is NOT honestly how he feels.  I know James.  I remember him.  I want to talk to THAT man again.

I go to sleep missing him.  I wake up with him in my heart and on my mind.  I pray to have good dreams.  I spend my days telling myself that one day this will change.  It will.  I know he loves me.  I want to talk to him.  I want us to be able to talk together.  I want him to be able to reach out to me and be the man I met.  The fun friendly goofball man I met.  Science-brain.  Sweetheart, held my hand on our first date and brought my son Pop Rocks while we dated.  I want to KNOW that man again.  Until I do- I won't feel like this... is real or acceptable.

I still get signs.  I have to try and deduct what they mean or are trying to tell me.  Sometimes things happen that make me really angry at the universe.  I try and tell myself they must mean something even if they upset me or poke me in the wrong way.  I'm trying to believe it has some meaning even if I don't fully know what that is.  Like the other night I was getting ready for bed.  I was thinking of James, of course.  I was thinking, "Man I miss him and I wish I could hear from him."  I went to set the alarm on my phone and some random man I don't know sent me a message on Skype.  I rarely use Skype except to talk to my nephew who calls us sometimes.  I've always wished I could talk to James on Skype, see him, talk with him.  Well this strange man sent me a Skype message and his names was James.  And it really upset me.  I said nothing back, only declined to speak to him.  I have utterly no desire to talk with any other man. It is so frustrating to want to talk to my friend, to pray for something and ask for it and think of him all the time but to then get contacted by someone with the same name.  I don't even know what to do with that.  The only thing I have the power to do, decline the request and go to sleep.

I had someone comment on this blog, said that twin souls (the ones who go quiet) are all narcissists.  I did not bother to post the comment and debate this person.  Not worth my energy.  But I will say this- those of us experiencing this KNOW.  When you are inundated with signs day in and day out then you know it is more than "just normal life."  When the person you love is obviously used as a mirror for you, a strong unfailing mirror that is so "in yo face" that you gotta finally cave and believe the unbelievable, you realize there is more to all of this than what we previously thought of relationships and intentional energy.  I feel that it is more.  And I feel that James loves me and I love him and if I just keep believing and knowing that "this" is special, even when it hurts so bad, in the end he can come back to me.  Because I do still feel like this is on me.  I know it.  I get frustrated and want "real life" and happiness right this moment.  I want him to be here now.  I want him in my arms.  And it hurts, the wanting.  The memories.  I can't look at his pictures; they are burned into my brain anyway so all I have to do is recall them and they are there but to open my old phones and look at his pictures is too much for my heart to handle.  I still have his old voicemails from when we were dating.  His sweet soft kind sexy voice.  He'd call me just to tell me he loves me.  On voicemail.  I can't.  I just cannot listen to that now.  It already feels like my guts are being ripped out with memories alone.  I literally ache for him.  I remember when he was here last year and being in his arms.  Seeing his beautiful face for the first time in almost three years after wishing and hoping and praying to see him again.  Him pulling me into his arms and up against his chest and holding me.  Even just hearing his voice when he walked in and smiled at me and said hello.  And then he hugged me.  After almost three years he hugged me and was warm and friendly.  I miss him so much.


I miss him.  I don't know what else to do.  He is not in my life right now, not in the physical and YES I am one who NEEDS "his body" with me.  His human self.  I appreciate that we have an energetic connection.  I get it, and I respect it.  But NO it is not AT ALL enough for me.  Nope, never will be.  Ever.  I need James in my arms.  On my couch wrapped up in my arms kissing me for hours.  I know James loves to kiss me.  And when we met last year he told me, "I do love talking with you."  And he kissed me.  Oh man.  It felt so so so good to kiss him again.

I want to talk with him again.  Know him again.  Kiss him and hold him and laugh with him.  I want to share life with him, like we talked about.  I do still believe.  I have never been given a solid REAL believable reason not to.  I hope that makes sense.  I hope those people who read this and wonder why the fuck I keep holding on- I've never been given a believable reason to give up.  I know James still loves me and me giving up would be... wrong.  Probably abandoning my dreams, giving up on the best man to ever happen to me.  I can't.  I love him too much, and too many strange things have happened that make me believe this is different than anything I knew before I met him.

I miss laughing with my friend.  I miss laughing with my friend!  We had a beautiful relationship.  We really did.  I know this, and I refuse to throw that away in my memory or taint it- because it was a a sweet, genuine, healthy, REAL new love.  It had the basis of being a strong long-term, life-long love relationship.  Like marriage.  Husband and wife.  He told me we would get married on the beach, "Sushi at our wedding, right?"

If only I could go back and change my mistakes.  I wish I could.  I wish I could go back knowing what I know now.  I'd only love him and cherish him and believe in his strong sweet love for me.  I'd accept his love readily and know he was my gift.  I'd hold on to my gift.  I'd know I was enough for him.  I wish.  I wish so much!  I know James thinks I am a good person.  I know he loves me.  He showed me that all along in any way he could.  He treated me so well when I knew him.  Because he wanted to, and because he is a good person like that. 

This hurts.  I don't feel good.  I try the best I can.  I wish so much for us to be able to hold each other again.  I am still so in love with him, and he is who I want.  James.  The adorable gentle guy I met.

I miss you I miss you I miss you. 


Friday, June 9, 2017

Be with Someone...

This is how it would have been with James.  He had already told me that he wished he would find me there when he got home from work.  He said he wanted to sleep with me every night and wake to me in the morning.  I've always felt that if we were together it would be so wonderful to come home to him, or to be home and looking forward to when he gets home.


I wish he could be my home.  I miss James.  It sucks.  I don't have much to say except that my heart hurts and I wish he could be here.  Because I miss him.  Being away from someone you love and knowing nothing about that person is emotionally taxing.  I miss him.  I wish I could talk with him again.  I wish I could hug him and be in his arms.

At this point even just talking with him or hearing from him would be a blessing.  I cannot stand this quite, and it is very hard living without him.  I have to live without him because, well, I gotta live.  I have a life and a child.  But fuck it hurts, and in a way that most people could not understand.  I have to suck it up and deal with it and it hurts.  I didn't ask for this experience although I am trying to do my best with it since I'm in it and I love him. 

I love James.  That's why I'm still here keeping this blog and crying on my way home from work and begging the universe to hear from him and holding on and texting him even if I get no response and praying even though I don't know if I even believe in a "god" anymore- because I love James.

I am lonely but I love him.

I just wish he was in my life.  I wish I knew I was going to see him soon.  This is so frustrating and unreal because I know he is a good man, and I know he loves me.  I know it, and he told me, and he showed me and love like that doesn't just disappear.  Yeah he disappeared but our love, his love for me, did not disappear.  I know he still loves me.  Hence why I am still in this.  Because I know he loves me.  But it hurts.

I ache.  I want the pain and ache to be over.  I want him in my life.  I want to know him again and be able to speak with him.  He was here last year and kissed me again.  I want more of those kisses.  I want to kiss James and hold him.  I want to sit on my couch and kiss each other. 

Him.  I want him.  Not a substitute.  Not someone else who is not him.  I want James.  He is the man I want to kiss and hug and hold.  This should be easy.  As easy as it was when we met, simply sitting down and smiling at each other and embracing and kissing.  As easy as that. 

I am irritated over things I won't explain here because I don't want to give them the attention they do not deserve.  All I can say is I want it to be James.  I want to hear from HIM.  I want to talk with him.  I want to know how he is doing.  I want to talk to my friend again.

I miss my FRIEND.  He became my friend, and he once told me he would never want to hurt me, that it would kill him if he ever hurt me.  I know James is a good kind caring careful compassionate man.  I remember him.  It is the remembering that hurts.  Remembering how sweet he was to me, how kind.  Gentle.  Nice to me and my son both.  Understanding, respectful and patient.  I appreciate his patience and caring personality.  I love his kisses and I miss them so much, kind gentle loving kisses.  We kissed for hours and it was wonderful, and I miss him and his sweet kisses.

It is all I want, to be with him.  To see his sweet face again, hear his voice, kiss his lips.  Hold him.  I would love to be held in his arms.  I miss this man I love.  My sweetest friend.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

So Bad

This picture pretty much says it all.

I miss kissing James.  I miss his kisses.  I don't write here often because there is not a lot new to say.  I love James.  I think about him all the time; he's always in my mind and heart.  And I miss him a lot.  It hurts.  I ache inside.  I wish he was in my life.  I am still not "over" the fact that he just kinda slipped away and there has been no resolution.  I want truth.  I want to talk with him or see him or share time with him where I know he's being honest and genuine and himself.  NOT acting.  Not "the mirror of my madness" but ONLY truth.  I want truth. 

But I also miss his kisses so very much.  Last year when he was here and he kissed me I thought I would die.  Seriously.  It was like a miracle, like maybe I was dreaming.  I could barely believe he was here, talking with me, but then to hold me and hug me and kiss me and make love to me was amazing in all ways.  Amazing that he was here at all and amazing because sharing love with James is amazing.

I miss him.  I cannot tell you how much I miss him.  There are no words.  Only if you could feel what I feel would you know.  I live my life.  I have to.  I had six days off with my son and we had a blast fishing, building bonfires, grilling and we put up the tent in preparation for camping.  I had the best time with PJ but still my heart hurts.  We went grocery shopping and were ready to bag our groceries when this man walked past me to go out the door.  He had come out of one of the back rooms of the store and apparently was working on their coolers because he went to his work van and got his jacket.  But he looked just like James; he even walked like James.  It freaked me out and gutted my heart.  It's hard when that happens, when I see these men who look SO much like him because it brings him to mind strongly and that is bittersweet.  I started crying a little in the store (trying not to) and my son hugged me and asked me if I was sad.  YES.  Yes I was sad.

Sad because I want James to be in my life again.  I want to know him.  It sucks to not even be able to TALK with him.  Like... it's so not even right or normal.  I want to talk with him or see him or kiss him. 

This hurts.

I want to kiss him.  I want to be held in his arms.  I want him to walk up to me with his big smile and say a friendly hello and hug me, hard.  Hold me.  I want us to hold each other.  I miss his smile, his face, his sweet voice.  I miss his body, holding his hand, his cute little walk.  I miss his jokes and goofball nature that make me laugh and smile all the time.

And man do I miss his sweet, kind, intimate, loving sexy gentle tender kisses.  Kisses that last for hours.  Kisses where kissing is Heaven and totally enough.  I miss him and his kisses.  He is everything I asked for, my gift.

I miss my gift.  I am not sure what to say or do.  I ache.  I do my day in and day out stuff and am thankful for this life I live where I have my blessings but I miss James dearly, and it hurts.

The way I explain it is like this: if someone were to ask me, "How's life?" I'd tell them that life is fine, good, things are going well and I am blessed.  Lots to be thankful for.  I have a good child, good job, good home, good friends and family, etc.  And yes that's honest.  BUT if someone were to ask me, "How do you feel?" I would tell them I feel sad.  Sometimes happy and sad both.  I miss the man I love the most in the whole universe.  Yes I am blessed but those blessings do not take away my ache.  I wish James was sharing my blessings with me.

Life was just so much happier when he was in it.  I was truly happy for the first time in a very very long time, true good genuine healthy happiness.  This wonderful single man was choosing ME to be his girlfriend, and he was an angel to me.  So sweet, kind, patient, respectful, thoughtful, smart, stimulating, wonderful... he would have made any woman an excellent boyfriend but here he was choosing me.  Only me.  Making a commitment to me, wanting me to be his and his only.

That was like... awesome.  Because he is everything I ever asked for, like my dreams were coming true. 

So I miss him like the breath has been stolen from me; sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I still have to bargain with myself to not drink because at least if I drink it takes the pain away just a bit but drinking (even if not to excess) makes me feel bad in so many ways.  It makes me gain weight.  It makes my muscles twitch and my legs ache.  It wreaks havoc on my skin, etc. etc.  So I try to abstain because I don't like the side-effects, mainly.  I don't like feeling bloated and icky.  So that means I have to be sober and just sit with the emotional pain which... sucks, quite frankly.  It sucks.  *sigh*

I wish James was with me.  I really do.

I miss his kisses.


Thursday, June 1, 2017


I do believe in this experience. I don't understand it although it shows me that for some of us we only truly have control through our energy. When it comes to what we want most in life sometimes we cannot get those things through "making it happen" on our own. Going through this has made me way more aware that YES energy is real and super important to be careful with.

I'm human though and there is this one thing I want more than anything else... my happy ending with James. He called me his future and said he wanted a life with me. He told me last year that yes, he does love me. But I know he loves me. He fell in love with me and that love never disappeared. Okay, his physical presence in my life went away but that love still exists. I know it does.

That is the reason why I hold on. Why I try. Why I don't move on. Because I know who he is, an amazingly good man. And I know he still loves me. No matter what is happening right now I feel in my heart that James actually loves me.

I have also learned that focus is important. Lately my focus has been all over the place. I have not been writing (which is my meditation) like I used to. And I should. I'm pretty sure I can tell when my focus is off. That is when this starts to feel unreal. "should I continue?" And at the end of that decision is this great guy who I adore.

I have not forgotten the man I met and fell in love with. Nearly every morning I pass where we first met and I can still imagine him walking towards me with his beautiful friendly smile. He was adorable. And he hugged me! He hugged me with a smile and said "You are just as beautiful as I knew you would be." We went inside to talk and have a drink and he was perfect. I went to the bathroom and text my friend real quick "OMG he is wonderful!" Because he was. Respectful. Friendly but not really flirty. He felt very safe and good. Right.

And that smile. Damn. He also has gorgeous blue eyes. I couldn't stop looking at him because he is just so cute! I was thinking... where did this guy come from? It was almost too perfect (little did I know) but I felt like it wasn't an accident. He felt too good, too right. His hug felt like I could stand there hugging him forever. Inviting and like home. Even though I had just met him.

We had been talking for a few weeks already though so I felt comfortable in meeting him. I knew I'd like him. We clicked fast. We would talk on the phone almost every night and if he didn't call me he would always text or email me; he always kept in contact with me, never kept me guessing. Never! I appreciated that about him, his responsiveness. He said good morning and good night all the time even before we met. He had already said he couldn't wait to kiss me.

I was very much looking forward to meeting him and he did not disappoint at all. He blew me away really. It was the sweetest thing ever on our first date when he asked to hold my hand while we were walking. I just thought that was really cute. "Would it be okay if I held your hand?" Felt innocent and sweet walking with him holding hands while he shared science facts with me and we kept grinning at each other.

I truly enjoyed getting to know him. I enjoyed every moment I had with James. They were good moments! We got along well. I believe that all the "loving getting along" is our only truth. I know he is a good man, that sweet guy I met. He was so so good to me!! Like a dream come true! Everything I had ever asked for- and he is stimulating too. Brilliant mind. Free-thinker, very aware. Loving and kind. I miss his science mind. And his Atheism. I miss our long talks although my own views have changed somewhat.

But I miss his kisses most. I miss the way he kisses me. I miss being wrapped up in his arms losing myself in his sweet kind gentle kisses. It is such a happy memory for me knowing how content he was to only kiss me and hold me! It makes me feel special that he would make an effort to come over and spend time with me after my son went to sleep- and all he wanted was to be with me. Near me. Holding me. Kissing me. I love that still. He showed me huge respect. He was lovingly patient with me. He was a total angel to be with.

That is why I miss James so much. Had he been any less amazing then I would not feel like I do. But he was perfect. And I wanted him in my life forever once I fell for him and he started telling me he could see himself marrying me. He was sweet to my child too. And of course that means the world to me, that he included my boy. James was fine with the fact that I was a mom. He liked my son. My son liked him. PJ still remembers James mini golfing with us and feeding the baby alligators. He says James is a "nice man."

*sniff* I don't know how this all feels to James. I just know it has happened. We have some kind of strong connection and I love him beyond all measure. I used to tell him there was nothing that would make me stop loving him and that is because I refuse to believe what I know is not real. I know he is a good kind loving person. I know he loves me and wants to talk with me. I feel in my heart that he misses me too. He once told me that not a day goes by where he doesnt think of me; I believe he still thinks of me now.

There are so many reasons why I love him. So many reasons why I "hold on." I have this conviction that no matter how weird things can appear on the outside reality is we love each other and I cannot bring myself to give up! God sometimes I get close! But I'm fucking stubborn when it comes to something or someone who matters to me. James matters to me, a lot. And despite all the "stuff" in these last years he still let me know he does love me. When I saw him last year- that was love. His phone call to me last summer when I was internally losing my shit- he only did that because he loves me and was trying to tell me to just keep trying and hold on.


Hence why I'm still here writing on my blog. It helps me stay focused. When I'm not writing here I might be writing in my journal or I might be slacking off and not wanting to focus, being tempted to feel "normal." It helps me to stay balanced and in belief of all this, focused, when I write here like I used to.

I'm also trying to hold myself accountable. So whatever I write here I mean to practice in my daily "real life." I want my actions and choices to match the intentions I speak here. Because "real life" sneaks up. Frustrations and temptations happen. But I'd really like to stay as honest as I can.

I have 5 days off with my son. I sure wish James was sharing time with us. I miss this man with everything I have inside of me. I miss his laugh. He is a silly goofball! I miss his friendly cute nature. He was so very affectionate with me; I miss his affectionate loving personality.

I miss my friend who I sat outside and talked to on the phone for hours. He has an incredibly sexy voice. I ache for him in every way.

And those kisses. I miss his kisses. I wish I could sit down on my couch with him and feel him touch my face while he smiles his beautiful smile then kisses me. And kisses me. I sooooooo miss and love James' sweet kisses and embrace.

I wish we could hold each other.

This is why I hold on; I love him far too much to let go.


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Missing You

Really the reason why I feel so frustrated and unsettled and aching is because I love James and miss him and he is not in my life, so I miss him.  Normally that's the reaction to being away from someone you love and not talking with him or seeing him in a long time- you get that achy painful longing in your heart.  That is what I have.

And it hurts.  And the pain is for HIM.  HIM.  Not anyone else.  I miss my perfection.  And here is the crazy part about it.  In order for me to not hurt I have to stop thinking about him or us or wanting him so much.  And then all I want is to feel normal and be normal and have a relationship- what I have never understood about the "teachings" out there is they tell you to "let go" of your twin but then at the same time you are supposed to be alone and not with anyone else.  So... just enjoy life ALONE and be okay with it, okay with not really wanting anyone because in "letting go" of your twin or wanting that person you are essentially telling the universe you are not actively going to want him any longer but then you are also not going to want anyone else.  And I don't know about you but I am damn tired of being alone.  I am not happy with it, no content at all.  I WANT LOVE IN MY LIFE NOW.

It is not like I just popped out of a relationship and am entering into a rebound thing.  It is not like I am co-dependent and can't live on my own!  I do it ALL.  The only times I need help is like I bought a new gas grill this weekend and it is 1) too big to fit into my car and 2) too heavy for me to lift or carry into the backyard.  So I paid for it and asked my dad to help me later this week when I am off. There are times here and there when I cannot do something on my own due to physical limitations.  My neighbor was kind enough to come over and start my lawnmower for me this year, and I think he has every year now for a while because it is always too hard for me to start.  I can't get enough power in my pull to get it started after a long winter.  Sometimes there are things I just can't do- even if I wanted to.

I tried opening a jar the other day and it would not open and I got upset.  Mad then cried.  I am tired of not having someone with me who I can say, "Hey love can you open this for me?"  I beat on it and used the can opener to lessen the pressure and finally got it open myself.  Normally I get shit done.  ME.  I get shit done.  I have a home, a car, a solid life, a great career and a good education.  I did all those things.  I earned them, achieved them.  I am the one who decided to end my marriage because it was not going well.  I knew I'd have to take care of the house myself, and primarily take care of our child by myself too.  The thought scared the shit out of me but I also was so unhappy that I could not take it any longer, and he was not happy either.  It was a huge step though.  But I did it.  And I made it work.

Point is- I am not codependent in any way.  I know I rock this shit.  I do the best I can and my best is damn good.  Fuck I am far from perfect but who is perfect?  I don't want to be perfect.  You know what I want to be?


Yes, happy.  Like blissfully happy and ladies and gents (if any gents are reading this) I am not happy without romantic love in my life, especially after this long in being alone, and double especially when I ache and long and yearn for one specific person day in and day out.  I am not happy.  I hurt.  This shit is painful.  I want James in my life.  I want truth.  I want contact.  I want to talk with him!  What I really want is to hug him and hold him and kiss his face off and then make love for...ever.  But I would settle, right now, for an HONEST genuine conversation.  TRUTH.  Or again, in place of that, no talk and just kisses.  Lots and lots of kisses forever and ever.  I am good with either one.  An honest conversation that alleviates this huge disastrous pain inside me that feels like it is killing me or him in my arms holding me and kissing me and never letting go.  I'd much rather have option #2, lots and lots of kisses forever.  I really don't need much talking but I need SOMETHING.  I am freaking out.  Losing my shit.  I try to keep it all together but I gotta tell you this is taking its toll on me.

And all I want is James.  Yeah I wanna be touched and hugged but I want it to be from HIM.  That is why I have stayed single this whole time!  Because I want James.  Not because I feel like I "have" to or God will be upset with me or whatever.  I love James and I want him and somehow I feel like if you want one thing then you should focus there, not on something else because conflicting focus will block desired results.

Or that is how it seems to me.  Not to mention that the first time we made love (and it was so sweet and good!) I wrapped myself around him and told God from my heart that this was the only man for me, that I wanted to marry this man, and I wanted James to be the last man, the only man from that moment on, that I would make love with.

And as of this moment I've managed to stick to that.  But I want James.  I ache for him, and it does hurt!  Fuck anyone who says that we are not supposed to hurt!  James and I were close!  We were happy and he disappeared, like unreal.  I am still traumatized from losing the best man to ever happen to me. I've never gotten over him. That still hurts.  I miss him every waking moment.  I miss him.  I love him and I miss him and it never lets up!  NEVER!

I have nothing to dull that pain.  There is no one here in my life (and my son just is not the same in any way shape or form) to hold me and kiss me and be by my side.  No one I can ask to open the pickle jar or carry in the gas grill or *gasp* help me put it together.  Or sleep next to me cuddled up and kissing my neck after making sweet hard passionate naughty good love.  Or laugh with me while making dinner. Or have pillow talk. Or me cooking Shepherd's Pie for.  Or kissing on the couch after a long day of work, or looking forward to seeing at the end of the day. I want all that with James.

And I hurt.  Missing someone you love fucking hurts.  I miss him all the time.  I miss him right now.  I love James so very much.  All I want is him here in my arms.  No explanations needed, no drama, no interrogation.  I don't care about much besides our love and him being in my life.  It would be heaven to know him again.

This is so very hard to take right now.  I've already sobbed at work and I can't wait to get out of here.  My son's last day of school is today and I am taking a few days off with him.  Maybe going camping.  Wishing James was going with us as a family instead of me always doing everything on my own while wishing so deeply he was here.  I have never put a tent up by myself but there is a first time for everything... although I dream about him being with us, camping with us, fishing with us.

The only part I truly love about all this is James.  I love that I met him and experienced real pure true love with him. I can accept that it has made me pretty fearless (had to or else I would have died.)  I protect myself.  I feel pretty "cleansed" and pure and I don't take much shit.  I love me way more than I ever did before- and all of those are good positive things but I could have learned that stuff in easier more peaceful joyful ways, not like this.  I respect what I've learned but I do not LIKE it.  Never will.  But I love him.  I have mixed feelings about a God that would "design" us like this- but I adore James, always will.

Not being codependent. What I mean is I want James because I love HIM. If I just needed or wanted "a man" in my life I could find someone nice. But I don't want someone else. I love James. I love him and miss him and wish he could be in my life again. Like I had him before, loving and close and kissy and good. I want science pillow talk. I miss being cuddled in his arms after making love, pillow talk.

I need to go cry.

I miss him so very much.