Tuesday, April 30, 2019
This could have been us when we met. It looks like us.
I keep writing here because... it is my secret way to "get it all out." I do keep a journal at home but this is different because it kinda feels like I am writing to a friend. I refuse to hide my journal at home. I've talked with women who don't keep a journal because they are terrified to leave it out because someone might read it. My journal is sacred to me; it is personal. "Enter at your own risk" is how I feel. My boyfriend assures me he won't violate my trust by ever reading my journal. I try to be mindful of his feelings and keep it put away because he knows I still write about James sometimes. Not too often but occasionally, especially if something reminds me.
I had a weird experience the other day, and it leaves me with questioning. I was driving along and the song "I Ran" started playing on the radio. I noticed it and thought to myself that I had not really written about James in a while, and I basically go about my daily life. Then I got another sign and it made me wonder like "WTF?" What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to just move on and let the past go? Or is he really this fabled "twin soul" who I am supposed to love and hold close to me no matter what, like not forget, not block out, etc.? And I just don't know.
I am still grieving the loss of him. We have no place in our society for the kind of grief I feel about James! His sudden disappearance feels like someone I had fallen in love with, someone in who I thought I may have found my future HUSBAND, has died. When someone dies we have a funeral, and everyone comes and holds the people who are left behind and says We are so sorry for your loss. There is closure. That did not happen for me. I've had to deal with this grief on the inside because it is impossible to fully explain it on the outside in a way that people can understand. Only I'm left to know how it feels. He's alive, somewhere out there. But to me it feels like he's dead. And I've been given no closure.
Manifestation. I manifest stuff every day. I can think of something and it suddenly materializes via another person or an email or just anything. I can think of a person and that person will immediately call me or text me. I want to know if I focused a lot on James, good focus, would he one day reach out to me? Currently if I focus on him I get a shit-ton of signs. His name pops up everywhere. Songs start playing that remind me of him, "Sweet Baby James" among others. But is there ever a time when it goes beyond signs and I can actually hear from HIM again? What do those signs mean? Are they simply a reflection of my own thoughts and focus? Because if so then I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM. I don't care unless they show that there is a possibility that one day it will move past signs and I will be able to see him and speak with him again.
I want that very badly. No matter how lovely my life is I will always wish I could meet James again and talk with him, openly and freely. I have not "let go." It was hared enough for me to "move on" let alone just let it all go. That was a very emotional and traumatic time for me, those four years. I am not "over it." It may seem like it to those people who know me. I seem fine. James' name rarely comes up. If I'm asked I just say, to those I know I can trust, that I do still think about him, love him and I will always hope to see him again. My boyfriend knows this too although it's, of course, not something we discuss often. I am understanding that he still grieves his wife, and some days are worse than others, and his Facebook memories are always of her, and his whole past is with her, and most women would be jealous but I am not, at all. Because he has to be understanding of me, that I still love a man who was in my life and then suddenly wasn't and I've never gotten over him, and I still want to know that man again. And I do. I can't help my heart.
There are truths that can cause my pain. I asked for James and he came to me, or was brought to me. I had asked for a kind loving man, an affectionate man who would make me a priority in his life, who was intelligent, good to kids and animals, who respected the earth, who was respectful and patient and understanding. Empathetic and patient. Gentle and caring. And then James came into my life and he was EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things I asked for. I recognized that right away and it kind of freaked me out. "Spirit" and manifestation and all of that still freaked me out back then. I didn't realize the power I had to bring good stuff into my life or send it away. Up until meeting him I'd met some men who were not always patient. One in particular I had a hard time "quitting" but had to because... he would never have been patient with me.
But when I met James he was SO patient with me. It was in such direct contrast to what I'd known. He was what I asked for, someone who would be patient with me, good to me, who would respect my body, mind and heart. And I guess what really hurts right now is he truly did all those things. He was a genuinely good man to me. And to my child. He respected my role as a mom. He was so kind, exactly what every women deserves and I didn't know what to do with that. I had never been treated so well. I did not know my worth. And not knowing my worth created a lot of fears for me.
It bothers me to be able to look back and see all of that truth, to see what I had, I had the PERFECT man for me. I do love my boyfriend but it's just not the same fit. It is a "good fit" but not the perfect fit like James. And I miss my perfect fit. He told me he is compatitble with 1% of women and I was his "1%." I know we were good together, and MAN had I been... who I am now- we would have had the absolute best time together. That hurts. I still wish I could be with him. I can't help it. Even thought I am in a happy relationship... it's like, wanting something really badly- but you can't have the one you want but another is available that is great too, wonderful in many of the same ways, and you can love it too but you'll still always wish for the ONE you WANT most.
I wish I didn't feel like that but I do. Even now. It still aches. I don't know if that aspect of my life will ever be okay until the day comes when I can sit down and genuinely talk with James again. I wish I knew if for real I could "bring" that day to me by asking for it enough, focusing, daydreaming, loving James enough on the inside that one day he could just pop into my life again like he would before.
Make sure to live your life to the fullest, do what makes you happy, but be loving in your thoughts to your twin flame or soulmate at the same time. I was put into a totally unique situation where I was able to love again because I was able to be honest with the man. I was able to tell Dave about James, very honestly. I don't think I could have ever been involved in another romantic relationship while still loving James and HOPING that one day I can meet him again and having to hide that. I would have felt like I was totally lying. I would have had to be ready to totally "let go" and fully move on, and I couldn't do that. So in my case I was able to be honest and it worked out. Weird, I know. So I love them both, one physically in my life, one not.
I still get emails from blog readers. Some are bitter, some fall into ego, some blame their twins, some tell me not to miss James, etc. etc. We all have to deal with this in our own ways. I think, though, the best choice for any of us is to try and love through it, no matter what.
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
It is a strange experience to love someone for so long, with no contact, etc. And I am a strong sane woman so I chalk it up to being stubborn and willful when it comes to my heart.
I am frustrated because I'm at a point where I could talk to James with no fears. I'd drop any and all worries of being judged or hiding myself. I am ME and I'd be ME with no doubts of "Maybe he won't like me" or "I'd better appear as perfect as I can be." Maybe back then I did not realize I was doing that, fronting, but I was.
Now I'm five years older. Well five and a half. I've learned a lot. I've learned that somehow James was being used to show me that I cannot live like that, that I have to be authentic and real first and foremost with myself, and for myself. And I am. Now I accept myself exactly how I am, and I expect others to accept me just the way I am. I feel I am wonderful, and I attract wonderful people to me.
I don't want James to be "just" a lesson or someone who showed me these things who is now gone. You cannot understand how much it kills my heart to wonder if he was only here to show me these things. And he did a great job. I now live a much more free and authentic life than I did when I met him. Am I perfect? Hells no! I *still* drink too much even though I try really hard to keep it under control. It's an ongoing challenge for me. I just stay "ASAP" which for means "as sober as possible." Am I ashamed? Nope. We all have our challenges. I am a great mother, good friend, wonderful person, and overall a good human being. Who has a hard time not craving the rush of those first couple drinks. What can I say? I do my best and that's all any of us can do.
I still fucking love you and miss you. It still aches. STILL. I still think about you and remember our time together, our long talks, our laughter, and the way you tenderly touched my face before you would kiss me. I remember how you spent weeks on my couch just kissing me and holding me, so patient and such a gentleman. Gentle. Man. A gentle dear kind loving person.
I wish it did not still ache like it does when I bring your memory to mind. I wish I could remember you with only fondness and love but no aching. But our love never ended- and I've had no resolution to my HEART. And I miss you. I miss my friend.
Monday, March 4, 2019
I can't help but wonder how some of you are doing, the people who have reached out to me in the past. I hope everyone is doing well.
I gotta be honest- sometimes I think about closing this blog down. Life is so different for me and I have varying thoughts about the "twin flame" experience now that five years have passed. FIVE YEARS. Just writing that makes me tear up a little bit because I remember when "the silence" started with James (total non-response, etc.) and I was told (from above not from a human source) he was my "soul twin" and I started googling that term, came upon "twin souls" and realized people had been apart for years and all I could think was... "I can't possibly be apart from him for that long!" And I've far surpassed two, three, even four years. Over five years now.
My life is so very different than in was when I met James. Now I believe FULLY 100% in manifestation and the power of our own individual energy. I know I "create" the experiences that come to me in my life. I did not believe that five years ago. I wanted to believe it but I did not at all understand it. I'm no "manifestation pro" now but I try to be super aware of what I am focused on at all time.
For example- someone close to me is in a lot of pain right now. I am so concerned for her but I am reminding myself to tell the universe to HEAL her, that she is perfectly healthy and feels good, that she is happy and whole and loves life in all ways instead of focusing on her pain. I want her to be healthy so (if we can manifest for others- I think we can but I'm not sure yet erring on the side of caution I'm thinking positive not negative) I need to be focus on her HEALTHY since we create more of what we focus on.
An interesting sidebar- I have this really sweet guy in my life, my boyfriend David. We are still together. He still understands and believes in my soul connection with James, and he still respects it. Our relationship is soooo strange in that way. I can tell him when I get strong signs, when a wave of sadness about James might come over me, or if I dream about James, etc. and he totally accepts it and respects my heart. It's not "normal" and I feel very blessed to be in such an honest transparent relationship where I can be honest first and foremost to myself. If I had to hide my "twin soul experience" from my partner then I'd be living a lie. I am thankful I can be free and open.
That said last year this time was his late wife's birthday, the first birthday since her passing. He was an emotional basket case. So was his family. Something happened where I felt kinda slighted and I almost reacted badly to it but I tried to remind myself that these were a bunch of grieving people and even though some of them don't like the idea of me- I can understand why, and to suck it up and be a "spiritually mature" person. A little later he text me something odd. He said, "Thank you for praying for me today." WELL- I realized at that moment that I had *not* actually prayed for him. I had not asked God to help ease Dave's aching heart. So I stopped what I was doing, around 4 PM, and I took out my journal. I wrote my prayers out. I asked God to take some of the emotional pain from Dave, to ease his soul, because he was hurting so very deeply. Then I went home.
On my way home I didn't know what to expect. He'd spent the day with his late wife's family celebrating her birthday with a cake and memories. Last I saw him he was very depressed and quiet. I got home and he was bright and cheery and like his normal self and I was thinking, "WTF?" I asked how he was doing and he told me he was doing well, much better than earlier. He said he'd been to her grave to visit her. While he was there he "heard" her (not the first time this has happened to him) talk to him and she urged him to stop hurting and to enjoy his life "with the living." She told him she knew he loves her but he needs to live his life well now that she is gone. And that made him feel 100% better.
I asked him when he was at her grave and he said around 4 PM. I am not giving myself "credit" but it really made me wonder if my heavy prayers for his heart to be eased had anything to do with him "hearing her." Which leads me to this person I love who is ill.
Do our prayers help? I hope so. I know I have strong energy and I really would like this person, my sister actually, to feel 100% well and healthy. She has the sweetest little baby right now and she needs to be healthy and feel good. So I do hope my strong energy and good intentions for her are sent her way.
I affirm my life almost daily. Often it's the SOS, lol, every day. I write the same affirmations often, and life flows smoothly for me. I have a blessed life. I can ask for something and it (somehow) comes to me. More times than not what I've asked for or focused on comes to me without me actually trying. It's very awesome actually! As I said I try to be aware. I try to be careful not to get sucked into any type of negativity. I can say something and it happens. Dave is beginning to think I have a "super power." I told him I would never ever intentionally use my energy for anything other than goodness!
*sigh* But five years ago I was totally unconscious about all this. Currently I realize to NEVER focus on what I do not want... because there is no "Law of Exclusion." This means the universe does not "exclude" anything we say we don't want. Basically the universe doesn't respond to the "don't." All the universe hears is the "I want." There is only a "Law of Attraction" and this means nothing we think about (even when we desperately do NOT want it) is kept from us.
You know how people preach "The Power of Positivity?" My take on this is the word "positive" is meant in a very base way. It means choose the "positive" way of thinking of something instead of the negative. Here is an example:
- I really hope it does not rain today. This is "negative" and is just asking for rain.
- It's going to be great weather today. This is way more positive and is asking for great weather.
So what I do is I just lay it on thick when I affirm my day and then I stay very aware not to say, think or do anything throughout my day that might "undo" or "delete" the goodness I've affirmed.
Ya'll may think this sounds crazy, and that's okay. I can only tell you that it works. And five years ago had I read this I would have thought it sounded stupid, unreal and ridiculous.
I was one who felt like this: "I have a right to be angry! I have a right to focus on what is upsetting me!" And I was RIGHT. I *could* focus on it. No one was stopping me. I had the freedom to focus on what I was worried about, or share an experience that was pissing me off, but at the same time I was still drawing to me more of what I was focusing on, and I had to deal with it since I was the one asking for it. In the end it would have been better to just shut the fuck up and NOT "indulge" in "But I have the right to feel how I feel!"
Now I know better. I still falter though. I get pissed off. But I grind my teeth and try to focus on something else. Or I legit tell God, "Yep I am pissed off so help me through it." Let me make an important distinction though, and THIS is a practice I cannot let go of. There is a person in my life who I started getting close to. I would offer her guidance, do nice things for her family, try to help her out, and I felt like we were becoming "good friends." Then she kind of turned on me and I realized she's not the best person for me to be close to. So now I am cordial. When I have to see her I am friendly. She's also been in pain and I wish her healing- but I refuse to be around her if I absolutely do not have to. And that is my choice. I can't help but do this now for people who I feel are not in my highest good to know. That is how I ensure "I vibe with my tribe." At the same time I've been reminding myself that "letting go" of any resentment or anger on my part goes along with that. Separating myself from this person is fine as long as it is with neutrality and well wishes for her.
I wish I would have understood these things when I met James. I asked for him, and he found his way to me. I know he's a strong soul contact for me. Is he my "twin soul?" I am not sure. I don't know if we had such a magical connection due to the energy I was "brewing up" before I met him or if he is actually this "twin soul." I CAN tell you that out of all the men I've met he is really the only one who seemed to be able to totally read my mind, clearly. I would think something and he'd say it to me. That telepathic connection has been strong with some but seemed to be strongest with James.
I've asked myself recently if... the "connection" was so strong because I put so so so much energy into it. I'd like to think he's "special." That he's this "twin soul." I know he's definitely a strong energetic connection for me, probably the strongest so far.
But... I can't help but wonder- if *I* stopped thinking of him entirely would it be done? Would the signs stop? Would he become a fond memory from my past like a few of the others who had significant connections to me? Just writing that makes me cry.
I keep holding on because I've loved him so much that... I feel sad at the thought of letting go entirely or totally moving on. But what if? If I finally, after five years, let go and stop "trying" and stop thinking and stop hoping that one day I can finally talk with him again- will it all just disappear?
I wish I knew. I can tell you that when I met James I've never had "magical" coincidences like the fact that we were born in the same hospital at the same time. We were literally in the same birth area. He joked that he knew me all the way back then and was probably hitting on me in my bassinet. He said he waited 40 more years to meet his love again. NEVER have I experienced something that "coincidental" that grabbed my attention.
Even though I love David- I can't help but be honest- James was, in my eyes, the most perfect for me out of any man I've ever met. I need to get this out because it aches. I love David and I am so thankful for him. I feel blessed that instead of being alone while missing James instead I've been able to share my life with a really sweet loving kind man... while missing James. This missing James never really stopped. The emotions tempered with the addition of all this joy in my life. But sometimes it still hurts. The contrast can upset me sometimes. I don't experience with David the same euphoric totally exciting emotions like I did with James. I don't think I'll experience that with anyone ever besides him. It's a good solid sweet love with David. I love him and want the best for him, and I like to be good to him just like he loves being good to me. But it's just not the same. And sometimes that makes me sad.
I miss the unique energy I had with James and the intense emotions being with him inspired in me.
I wish I knew if I will ever see James again and have the chance to talk to him. I still feel like part of my life is incomplete. And honestly I don't typically focus on any "lack" in my life since I have loads of blessings and I'd rather focus on those. I'd rather focus on the good wonderful times I shared with James instead of focusing on the fact that he isn't in my life now. But if I could talk truth with him, meet the man I dated and fell in love with, hug him and talk honestly with him... I'd feel better. Some kind of resolution. This still does not feel RIGHT to me since one of the very last things he said to me showed me that he still thinks of me and wanted to talk to me. That he felt my pain and wished he could ease it.
I still pray for re-connection, reunion I guess. "Sweet Reunion."
I don't think about it often because it can upset me. I realize what I did. I allowed my dream come true to come to me, and then because I did not realize what I was doing I basically made my fears come true.
There is one thing I will always wonder about though. When I met James it started with something already there that planted a doubt it me, and I've always felt I was being "tested" from the start to see if I would focus on what I wanted and ignore what I did not want. And to this day I don't understand why it had to be that way. Like why didn't he just come to me with nothing there that inspired fear in me? I have to work really hard to not be angry at that, like at spirit. Back then had I known what I know now I would have focused accordingly and things would have been different- I know it. But that didn't happen. And now I'm with a sweet man who really needed me in his life to help start his healing. Dave has helped me too, immensely. But I can't imagine what he would be like right now had we not met. So I don't regret it.
I still feel like there is totally unfinished business with James. Twin soul or not. I've NEVER had a relationship, especially one that was true legitimate love, healthy sweet real love, just disappear. Any man from my past who I shared deep real love with I had "resolution" with or we've been in contact. A natural "fine" closure to the relationship (for one reason or another.) Those I understand. James, it still doesn't seem right. I still can't accept it. To be fully deeply in love- I understand he taught me a lot. I understand that was his "role." And I love him no matter what.
I've accepted a lot in these five years. I've FOUGHT through so much fear to hold onto love. I've overcome a ton of shit, and much of the hard stuff I did with James. And it does not seem right to me. I will always wish to know him again. I miss my friend. He was so good to me. We were good together, and I will always be really sorry for not realizing then what I know now. I focused on so many of the "wrong" things, and I wish I hadn't. But I learned. And I am different. But that doesn't mean it all just disappears. I still love that man. And I've had no resolution. It was not truth. I just want the truth. An honest kind real conversation.
If I had one wish granted to me that's what it would be, to hear from James and be able to meet with him and sit and talk like we used to, funny, friendly, honestly, deeply. Until then no matter how perfect my life is there is still that angst there, and I wish that could change because I don't always like the way it feels yet I'm naturally too fucking stubborn to let it go. LOVE is just not that easy for me to let go of. Dammit.
At least I know that I love hard, love through some of the craziest shit ever, love through space and silence. I guess that says something good for me.
Friday, December 21, 2018
Hello there. I keep the blog open because I know people find it and maybe it still may help someone out there. I try to share that just because I am not with the man I've called my "twin soul" in "real life" doesn't mean YOU can't be with yours. I believe you can be. I really do.
I still think of James. Not as often though. I had to stop the constant focus in order to get on with my life. Note that I do not say "let go." I have never "let go" of my hope that I will know him again, talk with him, hug him and know him as the person I met five years ago. I will always hold on to that hope. And I will never let go of the love I have for him in my heart.
But I, of course, learned a lot in five years. I learned that I can't live like I was forever although for a while living like a hermit and working through some of my worst "demons" was what I needed. God I used to cry. All the time. As I look back I think each time I had a HUGE cry I released something, even if it was small, and healed 1% more. Crying is okay. Feeling sad because you miss your Love is okay! Just try not to let it take you to a place where you hurt so much that you feel angry; that's what used to happen to me and ANGER is not a good energy, ever. Other people might tell you otherwise but I know what I LIVE and I can tell you that ascending beyond feeling anger at anyone is a good place to be- I am still working on it, believe me. I get angry but I realize it and try very hard to get past it and let the anger go instead of dwelling on it and letting it fester which only makes the anger energy more powerful.
Love your twin soul, that's okay. But I learned I had to "move forward" and live my life without my twin in it. Why? Because I tried. I did what I could, everything I could really, and I was still alone and very sad and hoping and pining and wishing and missing and... I could not live like that.
So here I am, and I have a very happy life. My life is SO FREAKING BLESSED. When "they" say that twin souls are blessed- that is real. Those of us who walk this path- we ARE strong manifestors. Even while not being with your twin you can still bring blessings to you. Yes even while you love and even miss this wonderful person who you long for. I've learned this so I do everything I can to "watch" my energy and keep it clear. Am I perfect? HELLS no. LOL- nope. But I take this so seriously that I really try. If I find myself upset by something a person did then I try hard to shift my energy away from that person to instead focus on something that makes me happy. Or if I know the person is hurting or something like that then I might even try to pray for that person instead of being angry. I TRY. Because I know that being reactive and being angry do nothing good for me, nothing.
I saw a psychic over the summer. At the time I was struggling with one of my employees. I knew she was suffering emotionally but she was difficult to work with and her performance was low. When I tried to make her aware so she had the opportunity to improve she got angry and defensive, and the whole situation was making me angry. The psychic picked up on my energy immediately. She told me I had to let go of the anger and let it go no matter what the final outcome was. So basically take the steps but remain non-reactive on the outside AND the inside. She reminded me that I am very powerful and a creator but that I only create goodness from A PLACE OF JOY.
She reminded me that I have to address the issues in my life but not let them affect my energy. And I need to constantly remind myself of this. JOY is powerful. And boy do I know when you are hurting and missing someone that joy is not easy to find. I am no expert. I learn as I go. But if you cannot achieve joy then try LOVE.
Even when you miss your twin. Even when you are grieving and pining and feel like the pain of separation might kill you- please own that love you feel. You can feel sadness and love at the same time. I even feel joy and sadness at the same time. When I am outside under a clear crisp night and I look up and see the start it reminds me so much of James. It makes my heart swell, memories flood back and my eyes tear up and I'm a little sad because fuck I still miss him. But I am also joyful and thankful for all of the blessings I do currently have in my life.
I realize that LOVE and JOY and THANKFULNESS are the "good energies" the empower positive manifestation. If you really want something and you "count your blessings" a few times a day then the things you want will come to you sooner. You might be saying... "But I want my twin so why isn't he here?" And all I can tell you is most likely it is because even though you love him dearly you've also had crazy negative fearful thoughts and beliefs about him- and those are the things that keep him away.
But let's say you really would love a new party dress. You think about this dress for a while, and then you practice "focusing on what you love" or "counting your blessings." If you really work at stating at a good place, no complaining, no anger, not speaking about what you don't like, refraining from talking about anything negative that has happened to you, and if you instead really work on focusing on what you love in your life- then you might see a party dress somehow show up in your life. It will show up *easily* because (unlike your twin) you have no "chaos energy" attached to it. It is neautral energy so there is no block, no resistance- the dress can show up *poof.*
Twin souls don't show up that easily because we talk about them, we have psychic readings about them, we replay alllllll the crazy conversations we have about them, we call a friend to chat about them, and typically what we talk about is NOT about all the things we LOVE. We discuss the problems and how to "work them out" and in TALKING about the past problems we make them stronger in the present, and it creates an energy block and they cannot come back.
But we don't really do those things about a dress. So there is no block and the dress shows up via a gift card to a dress store, or the paiirrrrfect dress at a resale store for like $5.00 or or or.
These things, the blessings, they happen to me almost DAILY. I am not bragging but sharing the power we have with this "manifestation energy." I like Abraham Hicks the best when it comes to learning about manifestation and energy. Abraham explains (through Ester) that ALL WE NEED TO FOCUS ON IS US. We do not need to save the world. We do not need to become healers. We do not need to fix others. WE NEED TO FOCUS ON OURSELVES. And when we do, when we live from a place of loving energy, when we focus on what we love, when we count our blessings then suddenly these dreams we have start coming true- and we barely even have to try in the physical to make them happen.
I "brought" James to me. It makes me cry to think about it!!! OMG- I totally manifested him, hardcore. I did not know what I was doing then, or how much power I had. I did a "true love ritual" where I wrote all the things I wanted in my "true love" on rocks with a sharpie. And then I met HIM- and he is a Geologist... and he was all of my rocks. Every one of them. It still makes me cry because James was "the answer to my prayers" but I was too scared, had too much to work through still, in order to fully accept the gift I asked for, that came to me in flesh and blood, in this sweet attentive response glowingly amazing SMART brilliant funny caring gentle KIND loving man. IT STILL KILLS ME. I love and cherish the memories of him but it aches deeply to know I had my absolute dream come true... and he loved me so much. I believe our love still exists. But I miss my friend. I miss him dearly.
The song I posted, whenever I hear it I think of James. I think of... how wonderful it would be if he would just reach out and say something like this to me... "And I really do miss your smile." Yes I am in another relationship (but as I've stated here before) the man I am with in an angel and he knows I still love James dearly and he realizes I want to see James. He's told me if that opportunity were to ever happen he wants me to take it; he realizes I ache to talk with James again, see his face and know him. We don't talk about it much, of course, but he knows. I've always been honest- I strive to be honest always. I AM so blessed. The man in my life, David, he loves me so unconditionally and he treats me like an angel. He's such a good man and I do love him. But, and how do I explain this, I feel differently about him than I did with James. It is just different. I can't help but still feel that James was my "dream come true" and if this thing we call "twin flames" is honestly real then I feel James is definitely my "twin" where David is a very dear and sweet soulmate... or however it works.
When I knew James he was very special to me, and he still is. Even though I am with this sweet man who is kind and wonderful (and I am kind and wonderful to him) and I feel so blessed and thankful to have love in my life instead of pining and grieiving and crying alone... it just is not the same. I still feel like James is my "one true love" and I can't help that. I'll always love him, always miss him, and still cry.
That is what I mean by "I can feel joy and sadness at the same time." I DO focus on my blessings. I count them daily. I try to keep my energy loving and joyful. I have a sweet love in my life and I am thankful for that. I have a dear wonderful son, the light of my life, and I am so blessed to have the gift of my child. I have an excellent job, loving friends and family- and so many blessings. I really do, and I realize it.
But none of that erases the sad feeling I get from missing James. I still love him. I still wish I could talk with him, talk about our truth. I want to know the man I met on my birthday five years ago, who asked to hold my hand, who went to the park and was swinging on the swings with me, who has the most brilliant adorable smile, who respected me and loved me so deeply, who made me laugh a lot- I sooooo miss him. And I wish him the happiest of holidays. I always wish him happiness. He deserves it.
"There's a warm wind blowing the stars around and I'd really like to see you tonight."
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Friday, November 9, 2018
I saw Josh Groban in concert the other night in Chicago. It was an amazing concert! I love Josh. He has the best sweetest heart. And his music really speaks to me. He writes and sings often about love. Like this one...
One thing though. The first time I saw Josh Groban in concert was October 2013, like only a week after initial "separation" had happened between me and James. Seriously it was a week of Hell waiting and hoping and praying to hear from him once the contact abruptly stopped. So I was in my own private Hell sitting in the stadium listening to Josh singing songs of love and connection and fate and destiny and heart. I sat there and sobbed through most of it. I remembered that when I saw him the other night. It brought so much emotion back to me.
"More of You." My God- I still remember James, and I remember how hot we burned, immediately. I STILL miss him. I am STILL HERE loving him and missing him. It never goes away, not really. Yes I spend less time thinking of him. I used to write daily, hoping and praying it would somehow magically "bring him back to me." It did, for moments at a time. I knew on some level it worked but I could not get it to stick. Now I realize I was manifesting both what I wanted and what I did not want at the same time. But back then I wrote fervently. I focused, mediated, prayed, all the time. IT WAS MY ENTIRE LIFE besides my son. My life is different now. It *had* to be because I was making myself sick. And I was antsy. I'd spent four years learning how to heal, being shown how to live a more positive and loving life. And I think I was ready to start to "live again." After the silence happened I went into a hermit mode that needed to happen. But four years later I was coming out of hermit mode, and I then met David. And a year later here I am.
But I still love James. The man in my "real life" knows this and continues to be okay with it. He loves me "anyway." Love is a blessing no matter how you look at it.
Now here is a song that kicks the emotional shit out me:
Dear Lord. When I first heard this song I fell apart. I sobbed. He sings, "When you find love embrace it." When I met James I wish I could have done that, simply embraced his sweet huge beautiful love and ran with it. Not been afraid. But I was afraid, and here I am five years later still loving James and missing him. But because I have the opportunity to have love in my life right now I am "embracing" the blessing of being loved, of sharing love. But I also love James in my heart. I will hear songs that remind me and I still cry. I wish every day that I could see him again and talk with him freely. I wish I could touch his face and hug him and hold him and tell him that I love him dearly, always have and always will. I wish I could tell him that I know he is a sweet wonderful person. I remember him and cherish the memories of our time together.
I wish I could tell him that I know, I remember, how much he loved me and that love does not just end. He left me still loving me and did not want to leave me and I realize that. I want to tell him how much it has hurt being away from him and how I've longed to know him again. That I miss talking with him. That I dream of hearing his sweet voice on the phone saying, "Hi Jennifer." Our long fun conversations. His adorable laugh. His intelligence. How he inspires me.
I want to tell him I can't even watch or listen to much science-related because it reminds me of him and makes me ache. That my son still talks about James giving him the golf balls. I want him to see what an amazing young man my son has grown to be. I want to see, hug and talk to the kind gentle endearing sweetheart I know he is! I want to know my friend again! I think this and wish it every day.
It does not end. I do not hold love for other men I've loved in the past like I have for James. I think some of is that we had no "end" and no resolution. And it is not normal. It was like... I've always known he's loved me (and he affirmed this himself the last time we talked after years of separation already) so I KNOW we were apart from each other although he actually still was very much in love with me. Why should that be any different now? If he could still love me and want me in his life after two years apart then why not two more years? Love, real true love, lasts. When you dearly love someone it sticks. And I know that is the kind of love we have.
I would love to see this reflected in my real life but I don't need that to feel peace in knowing James does love me. My heart aches because I miss him and I wish to know him again. I miss my friend. I miss our long interesting discussions. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laughing. I miss his beautiful glowing blue eyes. I just miss knowing James as a person. I continue to love him very much.
Monday, September 24, 2018
No, I am not "reunited" with my twin soul James. But that doesn't mean I have not learned a ton along the way. I realize (and this can hurt if I let it) that my own fears, what I allowed myself to think about, talk about, focus on and even write about keep my twin away from me. I know that my own energy is what kept me separated from James. Even if he does not realize this- it doesn't matter. I know what my experience has been. I know all the times he was so close, contacting me after I'd work hard on my energy and focus, and then I'd derail, get scared, affirm something negative in my mind or I'd dwell on something that had happened in the past, and BOOM he'd "disappear" again. I look back now and realize (I'd bet my life on this) that *I* created that distance and disappearance. Unfortunately I couldn't stop myself.
I have to admit this makes me sad. I have a happy life with a lot of love in it. I am thankful for all of my blessings, and I feel very blessed to share love with my kind boyfriend. In my heart I feel that if I could not be with James at least I was blessed with another dear soul- even if it is not James. I would not have settled for anything less, less of a person, less goodness, and this man is a good man. He is not James though, and it is not the same. There are times when it hits me hard that I was in the PERFECT relationship with the PERFECT man for me, my "one and only true love" and the man I had dreamed of, asked for, and held in my heart- and then it was all suddenly gone. James and I talked about my deepest dreams- I wanted to have another child with a good man who would love me and make a beautiful family with me. James was that man. I can't replace my dreams with another person. James is the only person I want to have a child with- I can't just substitute someone else. I do love David but I (and I don't mean to sound mean) but it is James that I wanted to marry and be a family with. James said he wanted to be married again, loved coming home to spend time with the woman he loves, and he was just everything, every single thing, I wanted for in a man and in a husband. So to know I HAD that and then "made it go away" sometimes feels like I killed my own dreams. God damn does that hurt sometimes. To deal with the pain I really try to focus on what I DO have, the joys I have in my life, all of my blessings.
But it does not mean I do not love and miss my twin soul. I firmly stand by and believe what I've shared on this blog about twin souls. And I hope anyone who comes to this blog realizes what I've experienced first-hand does NOT match 97% of what is taught out there about twin flames. Much of what is out on the Internet are incorrect teachings that will only keep you in suffering longer.
Here are some key points:
- this is a lesson in manifestation. When you meet your twin this means you have very strong manifestation energy. All that means is you attract to you whatever you are focused on most. This also means that if you focus on your fears, doubts and worries then you can make those things happen. I fully believe I did this with James (again, whether or not he realizes this doesn't matter.) We were brought together because we both wanted the same thing so the universe brought us to each other. And then I focused on my fears and doubts. Doubts that I was not worthy of long-lasting love. Doubts that a man would love me but "not enough" to choose to stay with me forever. I questioned my beliefs. I worried that because he was Atheist that maybe somehow I was doing something "wrong" with "God." He literally showed me EVERY single worry I had. He'd sometimes even repeat them to me after I had thought them in my head. It was some crazy shit let me tell you. And then finally he was "used" to show me that I did not know how to accept love. I did not know how to fully accept when a man was trying to love me, and when he wanted to love me. It was like... James was loving me, showering me with love, yet I still did not fully believe in that love. And then all of a sudden he was gone and it was like... I was shown my fears through him. BECAUSE I MANIFESTED IT. So always remember- those of you who are on the receiving end of the silence and unwanted distance- YOU are the one creating it. Not your partner twin.
- this has nothing to do with "his or her problems" or "what he or she needs to heal." NONE. Not one bit, and the more you focus on "He needs to heal this insecurity" or "She ran because she needs to heal daddy issues" then the more you are going to suffer. You will suffer because your twin "becomes" anything and everything you think about him/her, say about him/her, write about him/her and even pray about him/her. So if you pray to God, "Dear God I love my twin even though he has A, B & C issues that make him ignore me... I love him although he has so much healing to do..." then all that will happen is your twin is going to behave like he/she has all that healing to do. Because you are believing it and affirming it. Even if your twin outrightly says or shows you there is something wrong with him/her then you must be strong enough to not ever focus on it. Instead you must affirm the opposite. It is your responsibility as a manifester to do so.
- No, it's not only about the "romance" but you CAN love them. You can miss them. You can let your poor aching heart be torn to bits over longing for them- as long as it is done from a place of LOVE. Never ever think, "I am so sad because my twin doesn't love me anymore." Never think, "Why does he continue to ignore me? Why doesn't he want to talk to me?" You have to be strong enough to realize they go quiet ONLY because they are reflecting your fears back to you. And they also stay quiet when they "feel" or know all of the negative shit you think about them. Only assholes ignore other people. So if you are insistent on believing that your twin soul is ignoring you "on purpose" or because he/she wants to ignore you then you are essentially telling the universe you believe your twin is an asshole; then your twin will behave even more like an asshole because you are thinking those things. So the best thing to do is just love them. Always from a place of love. Even if you cry. Tell the universe you know this is some kind of crazy divine experience (even if you don't like it) and you know your twin is perfect love, and you know your twin actually loves you, and focus on on their goodness. Only goodness. Only warm love. Because when you do that then that love energy and your positive beliefs about them will actually open up the lines of communication with then at it can allow your twin to reach out to you as their "real self" instead of your fear-mirror.
- Truth is important. Always. I could write a novel on this with twin souls. You cannot lie to a twin or about a twin. You can't even lie to yourself because your twin will know. No matter how surreal it seems, or how uncomfortable it feels- always be honest with your twin. Don't hide anything. They know. And they will show you. You can't really only think of your twin as a "person" once this experience happens to you. You gotta start seeing the world from totally another perspective where SOUL is so much stronger than you ever realized before. Our twins listen very closely to their souls telling them to mirror our "stuff" back to us. So even if your twin WANTS to talk to you- they will not do so if they are acting as your mirror. And I know this hurts them. They actually miss us and long for us too. They LOVE us and are forced to "act otherwise" or behave in crazy odd manners that is unlike them. They are sometimes forced to actually act in ways that are hurtful to their twins (us) and don't think it does not kill them inside to do so. I know it does. James showed me this but back then I was too fearful to believe it or understand it. He would talk to me after months of silence (and me nearly begging him to respond) and he'd sound so so sad and say, "I miss you Jennifer. I really miss you." IF ONLY I could go back knowing what I know now. I'd be strong enough to overcome my fears and scream out to the universe who he really is and then maybe he could have come back to me.
- Truth is love. If any thought, focus, emotion, belief, words spoken or words written about your twin are ANYTHING other than loving and positive then it is not love, and only love is truth. If you affirm anything other than love about your twin then be ready to one day hear from your twin and it won't be pretty because they will be forced to show you something less than loving.
- Love them. Their mission is to help you overcome negative beliefs, fears, doubts, being less than loving, etc. They are here to show you that you are manifesting your life with every thought, every emotion, every word you speak or write- so if you have a fear you need to heal then your twin is literally bound to show that to you and often that is through disconnecting via silence and distance. And when you do hear from them they act as a mirror instead of acting how you want them to act. The only time you will LOVINGLY hear from your twin is when you have spent ample energy affirming only loving goodness about them. If you do both- affirm goodness but also worry, discuss your fears about your twin with a friend or a psychic or online then what will happen is you will hear from your twin and it will be a crazy mix of love and weirdness. Love and... almost like denying you at the same time. Both FEAR and TRUTH reflected back to you in the same message.
- Our mission is to love them through it all and always affirm their goodness. No matter what. I don't believe we are meant to "run off" and force them from our minds. I believe we are meant to be strong enough that even if they are not in our lives (what I am living with right now) we are still supposed to talk to them kindly in our minds, affirm their goodness and their loving natures. I just feel this in my bones, and I appear to get signs of this too. I don't really know the outcome but I feel better when I still list his good qualities and tell the universe that I believe in him and his loving nature. I realize what he did for me. He left the perfect woman for him, and he told me that himself. He told me he finally met the woman he'd wished for, the woman he would want to have a child with, the woman he'd want to wake to ever morning. And then he was "forced" to let me go. I can't imagine how hard that was because had I been forced to leave him in the same way it would have killed me. And I believe that is exactly what happened. I wish it didn't have to happen like it did but I can only thank him for what he did for me instead of being mad or thinking he's less than the loving kind sweetheart of a man I met, dated and fell in love with.
Daily I work to count my blessings and put no focus on what bothers me. I don't always succeed in ignoring negativity or disappointment. Even sadness. I miss James and it can make me sad. But still I really do work always on putting my focus on what I love about my life, my blessings, my success, my love. It can just be hard to look back and not grieve for the wonderfulness I had which is no longer with me in my life. Talk about regret. It's weird because at the same time I think about how my current boyfriend David needed to meet me. And I him after all I'd been through with the twin soul experience. But Dave had lost his wife and was grieving so deeply and I have helped him through some tough times. I can't imagine how he would have made it through without meeting me, honestly. So I ask myself- what would have happened? I "had" to meet Dave. Yet I miss James and still wish it could have been him. I love them both but I still miss James. That's the challenging part. Any other man in my life I've been able to say bye and totally let go. Not James though. I still love him just as much and I still ache to know him again. I don't always know what to with all that so I just love him in my heart, love David who is here in my life and I "enjoy" each day as it comes. I've said it before on this blog- a heart CAN love two people, each in similar ways, and it can feel love, joy and sadness all at the same time.
And that's okay.