Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Good Powerful

Damn I wish I could go back to five years ago knowing what I know now about the power of thought, emotions and manifestation.  I would have brought James into my life and kept him there.  But five years ago I had no idea.  I just prayed very heavily for what I wanted and then he came to me.  So I attracted and allowed to me what I asked for.  He must have been asking for something similar (he told me the had "hoped and wished" for a woman like me and then I came to him.)  Sad part is since I had deep-seated fears concerning "not being worthy enough for a good man to want to keep me forever" I ended up sending him out to my life.  I know I created that.  Now if James were to read this all he'd probably remember is making the choice to move away, and then going quiet, and then some coming and going and and and.  I don't think he'd realize that the opportunity for him to go away partially came about because I worried about him going away.  I think mainly the opportunity happened because I accidentally created it.  *sigh*  Sucks, right?

It still hurts.  I don't like to focus on what I did, and I no longer get mad at myself because I did not know.  I see how some force, a force I call "my higher self," tried to show me the RIGHT way, the way of joy and happiness and true love, but I was too scared to grasp what I was being told.  I give my higher self a lot of credit for trying so hard.  When I reflect back on it all- I want to weep.

Regret is a difficult emotion.  I regret what I did because a dear man I fell very hard in love with disappeared from my life and the loss has left a hole in my heart that no one else can ever fill, not totally.  I explained this to the man who is in my life right now.  A while back we discussed this and I told him- it just hurts because no one and nothing else can ever fill this space that is left from James being gone.  He said he understands, and I know he does.  He is not a "replacement."  He is instead a different love in my life.  A good love, but quite frankly it is not the same, and it still aches, deeply.

I want anyone who reads my blog to understand that I don't write that often because, well, it still hurts.  I am not sure what to say.  James is still on my mind daily.  I still miss him.  I still ache to see him.  I still dislike what happened between us and despite it teaching me (finally) that manifestation is 110% REAL (and that I'd better respect it and live my life by its rules) I can't help but long for what I lost.  I appreciate what I've learned but I still grieve him.  I mourn losing him.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

I've said before on here, I love two men.  One is sweet, kind, loyal, easy, adores me entirely and is physically here in my life.  I suppose he is my mirror too.  I am a good loveable person and he shows that to me.  But I also still love James.  And David is not James.  I can't really help that there are times I miss James' particularities so much that I cry.  It was different.

So please don't read my blog and think I somehow "got over it" or "left it behind."  I have not.  I don't know how.  Knowing James, and all the stuff that happened for like three and a half years, made too much of an impact on my life for me to "get over it."  I did not "let go" when I allowed another love into my life. 

Quite honestly I just let myself be loved by a good man, but still a good man who is not the man I wanted most.  That is honesty.

I tried hard.  I feel I tried to the best of my ability to use my energy and love and anything I thought was right to "magically" be with James again.  It wore me down and the lack of him in my life made me really sad, and sometimes the sad feeling, the hurt, made me mad.  The addition of David in my life makes living far more enjoyable again.  Even though he is not James.  That's the brutal truth.  I don't think I could continue to survive alone while longing and aching and hurting over someone who was not here.  I needed that love in my life.  I care about David.  I love him.  At the same time it is not the same.  I don't need to tell Dave this- he already knows without it being expressed in words.  Just like I know I am no replacement for his dear late wife yet there is no reason for him to say it out loud.  I suppose in the end "love heals" pain.  Dave's love has helped heal some of my pain but it has not lessened the love and longing I have for James.

That leads me to sharing that I still hope to see James again.  I will admit that I sometimes get torn over this.  But Dave has told me he supports me seeing James and talking to him.  He knows I love James and I need SOMETHING.  We don't discuss it in depth.  David knows, clearly, that I have (and he does too) some kind of "manifestation" power, and he does not take it lightly.  He watches me attempt to live my life from a place of being kind in my heart and mind, even about those who "push my buttons."  I am not perfect but when I go off track I try to get myself back on quickly.  I do this because I CLEARLY KNOW what the power of my negative thinking can do to my life.  I know amazing effects amazing positive kind loving thinking can have on my life- so I try hard to maintain that kind energy.  Like right now I am dealing with an on-going issue with one of my employees.  This person used to be my equal and she threw me under the bus repeatedly.  When our old director retired and I was blessed with a new fresh start this person, the employee in question, went to the new boss and aired all my past "stuff" to her although I was working very hard (and praying for, affirming and journaling) towards creating a good new positive start for myself at work.  In the end her steps backfired on her because it made her look bad.  And since that time I am now the new director, and I am her direct supervisor.  I have to be very VERY conscious of my intentions with her because her work performance is simply not "up to par."  I have been praying, affirming, that I wish the best for her but I also need her to either perform or find a job she enjoys better than this one.  What I try to be very aware of, though, are my EMOTIONS and INTENTIONS concerning her.  I've had to give her constructive criticism and now will most likely need to take it further, formally documenting negative performance.  But I tell God that I forgive her for our past and all I want is for her to perform well and with respect.  That is all.  And if she cannot do that (she does not like her job much) then hopefully something she likes better, that maybe even pays more and is closer to her home, will come available to her.  I watch my intentions closely so I don't slip into anything dark.  I cannot help it that "real life" steps have to be taken that might not feel good to her but I try to do them with the best of intentions.  I hope to give her the push necessary to taker her job (career really) more seriously or find something different that would fulfill her life more.  Unfortunately there are not many jobs out there that pay people to sit on the beach, ha, but if there is one I hope she finds it.

I explain this because intention is very important.  Emotions are super important.  If I were to be kind to her face but black in my energy towards her, or hating on her in my conversations about her, etc., then it is not only unfair and hurtful but also it would create bad shit for my own life, and I am not willing to do that.  So I try my best.  But David knows this and sees me try.  It is not always easy trying to live from a place of goodness always.  Let me tell you.  I flipped someone a hard bird the other day, and I yelled at a woman in the store who was shaking her head at me because I was reprimanding my child for asking me for something for the 27th time.  I told her to come shake her head at me in my face, and that I am not raising an asshole child so I WILL correct him if I want to, even in public (and all I was doing was telling him to PLEASE STOP while I was trying to focus on the task at hand, that task being buying us a freaking pool!)  I'm not Mommy Dearest but I do correct him when I need to, and apparently society does not like this and thinks we should simply coddle our children and let them speak out of turn and give them every single thing they ask for even when they've been told "Do not touch ONE MORE THING while we are shopping today!"

On that note though, I never say bad shit to my kid.  Well, I do tell him "You are making me nuts right now!  Please be quiet just for a bit!" because (like me) he is an incessant talker but he also makes noises, unconsciously.  Normally I am okay with it and realize it is just who he is, and OMG he is a super dear loving kind fun amazing brilliant creative social friendly funny endearing adorable little man!  He is SO super friendly, kind and wonderful!  But he's also special.  He discusses stuff a lot.  He "imagines" and then shares all the stuff he's working out in his brain.  The stuff he wants to build, the train depot he wants to own when he's older, on and on.  Once in a while though I can't focus when he's talking and... anyway this weekend I yelled at a lady who was standing in line and told her to "mind her business" because I'm going to parent how I choose to.  Yet I parent well.  I do have to reroute his loveable behavior at times but my son knows I mean well.  He tells me all the time that I am the best mom in the world, and he knows I do not say "mean" things to him.  I can get a little frustrated sometimes, lol, but I just say stuff like "Come on man move faster, let's go!" and I don't use words like stupid, etc.  Or bad boy.  I never call him a bad boy, ever.  Words hold power.

But again, I am not perfect.  I just try to brush myself off and move on quickly.  And keep good intentions.  That is why I journal my affirmations often to keep my thoughts straight.

So, this Neville Goddard.  If you are interested in knowing about manifestation and what to do in order to attain a happy blessed future then read about him.  One thing I want to stress is this- YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WHAT WE HAVE DEEMED AS PERFECTLY IN ORDER TO BE BLESSED.  You can eat a cheeseburger or cake.  You can relax all day.  You can take a mental health day and indulge in a massage.  You can have a beer.  If it does not actually harm you (think hard drugs or unprotected sex with someone that is going to leave you feeling less than good about yourself tomorrow) then do it.  Do what makes you happy.  It is the feeling of joy from the act that brings about goodness- and be thankful for the thing bringing you joy, even if it is a delicious slice of Chicago pizza.  If going to church brings you happiness then go for it!  But if you go to church out of obligation or guilt, and if you dread it and hate going- then do NOT do it.  Understand?  Same with working out.  If you work out and hate every single minute of it then either find a way to enjoy it or find a different way to get your exercise, maybe swimming or biking. 

Neville Goddard in the image above said don't worry about how it comes to you.  Just know what you want, and feel that thing.  Know the dream you have.  And don't worry about how it will come to you because a power bigger than the "human you" will make it happen.  So this is how I think about wanting to see James again and having a good talk with him, or even wanting to have him in my life again.  I cannot worry about how that would all work out.  If I do I will get scared or fret.  Instead I am trying to just allow myself to feel how good it would be to see his bright smiling face again and have him hug me with love and care.  To hear his gentle voice and see his blue eyes and hear him speak kind loving words to me again, like he once did- that would feel SO right, so good and so amazing after all this time, knowing the kind loving dear man I met.  I tell myself even if it is the only thing I can do, recalling his goodness, affirming who I know he truly is, even after all this time, and holding onto the hope of seeing him, knowing how wonderful it would be- maybe one day my heart's desire will be shown to me again, how I remember him from when we met on my 40th birthday under the blue moon.



Wednesday, June 13, 2018


I remember when my guidance told me that my life was like that of a butterfly and at that moment, about six years ago, I was crawling low to the ground like a caterpillar but one day I would go through a metamorphosis and transform into a butterfly so I would have wings and could fly.

Then I met James and he told me he had a dream that I was really a butterfly and not a homo sapien, and I almost shit myself!  Oh, how magical life has been for me.  But oh... how I had utterly no idea what was to come!

For anyone who might read this I want to make a few comments on energy and manifestation, and this is all from experience, things that are happening to me.  Take what you will (if anything!) and leave the rest behind.

  1. Focus: Anything you focus on, the energy associated with that thing, can and will come back to you somehow.  Over the last year I've sliced a bunch of stuff out of my life.  I pay no attention to politics.  I give no energy to Donald Trump.  I learned that when I read things about him, stuff that upsets me or angers me, things that make me dislike him, it "brews" a very negative energy for me and this attracts chaotic shit in my life.  An example- if I read an article and get pissed off, maybe comment on the article and really feel a negative emotion about it then later that day or maybe the next day I might have a negative interaction with someone.  Like someone in my life might argue with me or be shitty to me.  But that only happens when I've (prior) allowed myself to focus on shit energy.  So now I pay it no attention at all.  I can't change the world.  I'm no social justice warrior.  I try not to have a negative judgment on anything.  I strive to be kind/loving and if I cannot achieve that then neutrality is better than shifting over into negativity/bitterness/hatred/resentment/anger. This means I've unfollowed or unfriended lots of people on social media because I do not want to see or read most of the shit that is shared on there.  It is all re-posting the bad stuff happening in the world and I don't need that.  It is not good for my energy.  I am mindful of all things I give my focus to because I know that I could dream about it later or some example of that thing will show up in my life.  So why not ensure I am ONLY focused on goodness, peace, love, abundance, etc.?  No, I am not sticking my head in the sand.  I am not "avoiding" reality.  I am no Pollyanna.  If something is affecting my REAL LIFE, my own personal life or my son's life or someone close to me then of course I will address it.  I will try to be as neutral inside as I can be as I address it.  But overall I do avoid reading about or listening to stories about or watching on TV anything negative happening in the world.  Instead I put my energy into my own life, into my child, into focusing on "creating" happiness and joy and prosperity in my life.  And to do this I must embrace the moment, be grateful for all the blessings I have right now, focus on what I want to see more of come into my life: peace, beauty, creativity, friendship, love, abundance, etc. On FB I only share funny stuff, positive things, photos of my child, some of my art, etc. 
  2. Affirmations: I try to daily do my affirmations.  I do it to create goodness in my life, to be thankful, to keep in mind my blessings, to override any shit energy that could be lurking, and to attract to me more goodness- I do it as a protective measure because I know it works.  I know if I tell the universe "My life is awesome and every day just gets better and better" and if I don't do anything during the day to negate that affirmation then yes my life will get better and better.
  3. Mindfulness: I have to be mindful to not speak shit about anyone or anything.  I seriously must live from a place of kindness.  Now this does not mean I must take shit from someone.  If a person was to be treating me badly or draining me of energy then I could, and have, cut contact with that person but with neutrality.  I don't have to hate on someone if I just can't handle having that person in my life.  I've had to do this recently with someone I know.  Her life is always full of chaos.  And she reaches out to me for help, for emotional support, and I don't have it to give her anymore.  I've backed off her and told her I can't continue to keep up communication with her because she drains me, she's always hurting or in need and I can't help her- she needs to help herself.  I wish the best for her though.  But I must be mindful not to feel resentful or shitty towards anyone, no gossip, etc.  None of that is good energy.  It is not fair, not nice and it does not bring goodness to anyone let alone me.
  4. Protecting Your Energy- all of the above are examples of this.  I say no when I don't want to do something.  I make time for self-care.  Me and my son come first.  I love myself and have no problems not going somewhere or doing something that I know I don't want to do, I avoid what I know will frustrate me, I don't agree to visit with people or kids who will annoy the piss out of me.  I am protective of ME.  And that is OKAY.  It goes back to not wanting to watch gross stuff on TV or read bad stuff.  I want to be surrounded with peace, light and goodness.  I have the right to make that choice and I do.  And if it means stepping back from someone not good for my energy or backing off from chaos or... checking out from most of society then I am okay with that.
  5. Nurture What You Love: Instead make sure to focus on what you enjoy and love in life.  Surround yourself with colors you like, music that sounds lovely to you, little trinkets and things that bring you joy and add beauty to your life.  Do those things you like to do even if it means going out for a cupcake and coffee or having a martini.  Getting a pedicure.  Going out for a round of golf.  Yoga (ha ha ha.)  Riding a bike.  Taking a walk.  Going fishing.  Laying in bed lounging around on a lazy morning.  Taking a nap.  Doing some art, sketching, painting.  Writing, researching your favorite places, daydreaming about where you want to travel to- anything that brings you joy and feels GOOD to you are the things you should have in your life.  This is the stuff you should make a priority in life.  Be with the people who feel good to you, who raise you up, who treat you with genuine respect and love.  Get a puppy.  Buy some cute earrings.  Ride a Tilt-A-Whirl.  Swing on the swings.  Laugh with a child.  Make fart jokes... And also affirm your love and gratitude for those things, events, pets and people that are blessings in life that bring you joy.  
  6. Love Yourself: This is not a cliche' saying.  Let me explain why loving yourself and thinking good things and affirming good things about yourself is so important.  Due to "Law of Attraction" whatever you say about yourself, or think strongly about yourself, will be "proven" to you through some person in your life or an experience- and how do experiences typically happen in life?  Through intereactions with other people.  Other people in your life will be "used" to show you how you feel about yourself.  So if you think to yourself (and I've had this happen to me!) "Wow I am starting to look old" then what will happen is you will bump into someone who might say something to you like, "Wow!  Are you feeling okay?  You're looking a little tired today, older than usual."  With me what happened is I started worrying that I am looking older and when I went to pick up my son from daycare someone asked me if I am his GRANDMOTHER.  This happened twice in a row!  And honestly I look younger than my age. 
    So again, it is more than just trying to force you to love yourself because "it's the right thing to do."  No, it's way more powerful than that.  If you hate on yourself, think badly of yourself, do hurtful things to yourself, then you will only attract people into your life who will treat you the way you treat yourself.  Imagine the magic that is possible when you start shifting that around to the positive!  Try telling yourself that you are beautiful inside and out.  That you are a good kind loving person.  You are amazing and everyone who meets you realized you are a beautiful shining ball of endearing joy and grace.  You are endearing and highly loveable.  You love yourself and in turn all people love you.  Even if it hurts at first.  Even if it makes you cry.  Even if it is scary and uncomfortable to say these good things about yourself- DO IT.  The universe is just begging you to, waiting for you to do so that way it can serve all of those things right up to you!  The universe cannot give you anything you do not ask for first and we ask through prayers, wishes, affirmations, declarations, etc.   Whether or not it is the universe doing it for us, or if there is no "middle man" and we are doing it ourselves through what we attract to us through our energy- you will only get in return what you send out.  People in your life will only be able to treat you how you treat yourself.  Whatever you believe, or worry about, or dwell on, or focus on or read about or talk about- only THOSE THINGS can manifest further into your lives.  Keep that in mind.  Be MINDFUL.
  7. Go All Out: Make some really over the top affirmations.  Manifest the best for yourself.  Every day life gets better and better.  Everything I touch turns to wonderfulness.  I am successful in every single thing I do.  Life always turns out in my favor.  God protects me every step of my life.  I am surrounded by peace joy and love.  My life overflows with an abundance of love, peace, joy, prosperity.  Money flows freely into my life from all different angles and manners.  I always have more than I need, enough to even share.  Etc. Etc.  Focus on what you dream of.  Banish any other "lesser" thoughts and don't let your focus go to bad scary dark shit, ever.
  8. Be Gentle On Yourself: We are all souls walking around in a human shape, our packaging.  Love your packaging.  Be gentle to yourself.

Right now, just as I am writing this, I received an email.  This message is letting me know that my town is going to reimburse me the 2500.00 I had to put out to remediate a flood in my basement.  I've been working months to get this done, and just now- as I wrote all of this out about money coming to me from all places and life working out to my benefit- the message telling me they will pay me came through.  Yippee!  And no coincidence.  I am positive of it.

So there are some of my life experiences in shifting my thinking around.  I pray for all of you, anyone who has read my blog or is going through this twin soul/ twin flame experience, please know ALL OF YOU are strong manifestors.  And you can manifest Heaven or Hell for yourselves.  Because for some reason we have crazy strong energy.  Please err on the side of love, kindness and gratitude.  Even if something entirely shitty is happening in your life right now!  You have to address that situation with neutrality.  Get it cleaned up.  But give it no emotion.  Don't bitch about it.  Don't dwell on it.  Instead while you are working on fixing it start affirming anything good you can about your life and this will "shift" happenings in your future.  Even if you are sad an missing your twin, be sad that is okay.  But don't dwell on shit.  Don't focus on badness.  Love your twin, hope to be with him but at the same time make sure to try so so hard to focus on goodness (not anger, not resentment, not complaining about him or some event that happened, etc.- do not affirm or focus on anything that does not feel good when it happens- learn from it, have no reaction, give it no energy and affirm something better to shift it around) even in the midst of your sadness.

Best to you,


Depression and Anxiety

I read the above article and damn, it hit home for me.

There has been too much on my mind lately to post it all here.  My life is good.  I am happy.  Life is happy.  I am not "perfect" but I try really hard to keep my mind in a place of goodness at all times, and again I am not perfect.  I actually feel kinda bad right now because sometimes I still can feel some odd resentment towards one of my friends, and I need to get past it.  My constant goal is to each day work more and more to have only good thoughts, good words spoken, good intentions made, towards everyone.  And if there is someone in my life who is not meshing well with me then it is time to let that person go but with love or neutrality, not with anger or pissiness.

I read this article today and while I try not to look backwards at my life it caused me to remember some of my darkest times.  I've had to battle through so much pain and darkness, all pretty much internal, and knowing James, the whole mirroring thing, was what, in the end, finally pushed me to the breaking point.  It was to a point where I had to choose between consciously changing my focus, avoiding negative thinking, working hard to know what I did NOT want to focus on and then avoiding those things like the plague.  Because I know whatever I focus on will come to me- I will get evidence of it in my life, and for a while James was the one who showed me that.  It was hard and it hurt so bad that it was to a point where I either was going to die from killing myself or else I was going to believe what was happening and work VERY FUCKING HARD to change it.

Once I made some solid changes the mirroring from James stopped.  Immediately.  Totally.  The sad part to me is all contact stopped.  And I still miss him.  And I have unanswered questions.  Sometimes I wonder was he just here to "heal" me and show me what I needed to change, and when that happened- will I ever see him again?  This thought... I can't accept it.  I tell God that I need to see James again.  We need to hug each other.  We have been through a lot together and I just want to hug him for a while.  No one can understand it if that person has not been through it.  He showed me my demons, my dark thoughts, my irrational anger, my fears, my backwards beliefs about love, about him and about myself so boldly that I could not escape the "wrong thinking" and I was forced to start doing whatever I could to shift it around.

Life is much different now but I have not forgotten those dark moments explained in this article. I typically don't think about it- no reason to go there.  Those were bad times where I almost killed myself due to my own bad thoughts and pain, and I missed James so much and it hurt terribly; I was scared, confused, had doubts, couldn't affirm correctly and just kept creating Hell for myself until I just wanted to die because it hurt SO FUCKING BAD.  I remember the night I sat at my table alone with an unopened bottle of whisky while screaming at an invisible entity, hitting myself, telling God I wanted to die, to just kill me already, that I could not take the pain anymore.  I begged God to take some of my pain.  I was SO READY to drink the whiskey.  And had I drank the whiskey in the state I was in I would have also taken the bottle of sleeping pills I had there with me.  I know I would have.  I feel so so bad for that poor woman.  The Hell I went through trying to "heal."  My guidance spoke clearly to me then, even through my irrational crazed pain.  What a miracle, right?  It was gentle.  It told me to please just go to bed.  It begged me- please just go to bed.  Don't drink the whiskey.  Go to bed.  It knew if I drank the whiskey I'd take the pills so it asked me to please go to bed.  So I did.  Crying, snotty, shaking, angry as a pissed off hornet, sad, aching- I fell asleep instead of drinking the whiskey which would have most likely lead to my son coming home the next day to find me dead.  I've been through a lot.  I DO feel a lot of compassion for myself and for that reason I love myself and am gentle on me.  I am one of the lucky ones.  My personal demons did NOT get the best of me (thanks to help from my higher self and my twin soul.)  It was Hell though.  I can't sugar coat it.  I got through it but I dragged my twin along with me, and that still breaks my heart.  It aches.  We shared this beautiful bright loving happy healthy start to a real good love relationship.  We were head over heels in love.  Can't wait to see each other.  Can't keep our hands off each other.  Always kissing.  Middle of the night texts and emails.  Hours and hours on the phone.  Giddy.

And then gone.  I've overcome a LOT.  But I have still not overcome the fact that he disappeared from my life but the love stayed and there were no real-life answers or resolution.  It feels like unfinished business.   I understand fully that it was not his intention but instead it was mirroring.  I know many other people are going through this, and the world and its people are not what I thought it was before.  I don't blame him.  I am stronger now.  I see more clearly.  I don't let myself get angry- not worth it.  Anger is a shit energy.  I have a level of awareness I never thought I'd achieve.  I have full belief in the power of manifestation and energetic attraction.  I have to use affirmations, meditating on paper, always overriding any negative thinking with positive affirmations, living from a place of choosing to be kind, focusing on my blessings, etc. in order to keep my life balanced and happy and continuing to create goodness for myself- and it works.  And I am thankful for that.  I believe something out there did its best to try and help guide me to making the right choices that would bring me love instead of pain, even if I did not often listen.  It did try to help me and must love me.  Sometimes I do wonder if it is just "me" on some other level, like in "Interstellar."  I love myself, and I have compassion for what I've been through.  It was a lot of pain, and I am sure it was not great for him either.  He is a sweet kind man.  In the end he did a lot for me, exactly how my guidance told me he would.  For that reason (even if he doesn't know or understand it like I do and he very well might not and that's okay) I will always love him and wish him well.  The hard part is I still love him from a place of "I sure wish I could see his smiling face again, like it was when we met."  I wish we could talk and hug.  I wish I could see him smile at me again.  I wish I could hear his kind loving gentle voice say hello and ask me, genuinely, how I've been.  I wish we could talk totally openly like friends, laughing and comfortable.  He is still so important to me and to love someone so much but have no contact with him is not easy.  It aches.

I wish him well though.  I hope he is happy and life is treating him well.  I hope he has lots of love in his life like I do.  I have a good blessed life with good kind people who love me a lot, who treat me well.  I hope he does too.  But I miss him still.  And I hope that one day we can hug each other for a long long time.

XXOO- I hope anyone who reads this is doing well.


Wednesday, May 9, 2018


I still love James.  Still think of him every day.  I still cry over him.  I'd like to say that I smile about him too but not often because I miss him too much to feel much joy over thinking about him.

This is frustrating.  I work to consciously live a positive life and affirm the goodness in my life.  I honestly do.  I firmly believe that my energy creates my reality and I try to be careful, to focus on joy and thankfulness.  I am thankful for all the love, blessings, peace, joy and abundance in my life.  I have a really good life!  I do.  I am aware of this and I am thankful for it.

But then why do I still miss this man so much?  Why does my heart still ache?  OH MY GOD it feels so frustrating to yearn to connect with him again as a HUMAN BEING.  I want my friend back in my life.  I want to know James again.

I'm in a relationship with someone else.  It's... I care about this man.  I love him a lot.  He means so much to me.  He is a good man, and he loves me a lot.  He's done a lot to teach me how to accept being loved.  He's made me more comfortable with allowing someone to love me and treat me well, and I feel like we are meant to be together.  Right now.  I take it day by day.  I am thankful to have him in my life, to know him, to be loved by him.  I am thankful to be in his life- yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of his wife and he's hurting badly, grieving, and I try to be a dose of extra love and joy in his life, comfort.  Yes we can love one person and grieve another.  We can love one person and still love another person too.  I do that every day.  I love David.  I care about him.  But I also still love James, a lot.  And honestly it hurts.  Just like Dave hurts over missing his wife yet he still loves her, and I am sure if he could have her back in his life he would.  He would.

It really is not much different for me.  His wife left a hole in his heart that I cannot fill, and that's okay.  But I have a hole too, and he can't fill it.  No one but James can, and I just wish I could know him again.  I wish I knew him.  I want to talk to him, like normal.  Honest.  Truthful.  Open.  Transparent,  EASY.  Real.

Dave knows how I feel.  We've talked about it.  He knows when I am hurting more than usual.  He knows I get signs still, and that I have dreams about James.  He knows I still love him and I hurt and I miss him and I want to talk to him again.  Dave has told me he hopes I get that opportunity.  I know the idea is uncomfortable for him because he loves me a lot and I know he probably hopes I will be with him forever.  But I can't think about "forever."  I just can't.  I did not promise forever to Dave, never have.  I am so so so good to him each day that we are together like this, in a committed love relationship, and I really hope I can be good to him for a long time, as long as I know him.  But I can't give him a promise of "I will be with you forever."

Not long ago he mentioned having a baby, us having a baby.  I suppose with modern medicine it COULD happen, and he'd make an excellent father- BUT IT IS NOT MY DREAM.  I dreamed of having another baby with James.  So finally I had to speak my truth and I told David that.  I told him that I did not mean to hurt him in any way but James and I had talked about having a baby together.  And that is what I had my heart set on, and it was not a dream I could just easily transfer to another person.  I told him there is only one person I wanted to have another baby with and that is James, and if not with James then I did not see myself having another child.  I did not say this to be mean or hurtful but I HAD to say it.  I HURT.  I miss James so very much.  I still love him so much.  I remember him.  I swear I get signs still.  I don't know if I get the signs when I think of him or if I get the signs to think of him or what.  All I know is I ache, deeply.  I ache.  I miss him.  And it hurts.  Yes life can be good, happy, abundant, full of love and goodness- and it is!  But I still have this sadness right alongside my happiness and it comes from missing James.  I can't seem to stop the sadness.  I enjoy being with David.  And he is BY FAR the only man I could ever be with because I can be fully honest with him and he accepts me still.  It is freeing and a huge relief to be able to be honest with Dave about James- if I could not then I'd feel like I was hiding something or dishonest and it would not be good for me or the relationship or the other person!  Dave understands I can only do this day by day.  He understands my heart aches and I miss James.  He respects my love for him.  Just like I respect that he grieves deeply.

This is why I feel like we were meant to meet somehow.  That's it's right for however long it's meant to be for, and I will always treat him well and with love.  I am meant to be that in his life.  He's a very loving kind man and he is hurting.  I am really a very loving gentle person, and well, maybe love is healing, right?  For both of us.

But I still miss James.  I remember him.  Certain things remind me.  80s music.  Geology.  Golf.  James told me he would teach me how to golf.  He loves golfing.  Dave loves golf too and he has asked me to go golfing with him, and eventually I'm going to have to go- but it aches because it reminds me of James, and how I was supposed to go with him.  Being at the park by my house reminds me of our first date.  My memories are bittersweet.

I have these little items that James gave me, or things that reminds me of him, in my room on a shelf.  I was worried Dave would see them, and he has.  He noticed.  Pop Rocks.  A little "gem" grown from one of those "grow your own gem" kits for kids- James gave PJ one and we grew a gem from it, and it sits on my shelf.  Silly?  Maybe.  But I can't bear to pack it up and put it away.  So I was up front and told Dave that yes they remind me of James and I can't pack them away.  Again he said he understands and would not expect me to- what a blessings, right?  He's very understanding, and it is a blessing.  I try to be as understanding with him.  I do love him and it is not always 100% easy to sometimes feel like I am... not her.  He was and still is very much in love with his wife, and he misses her dearly.  I feel for him.  Like I feel bad for him because he misses her and I am not her.  I for one know from experience that when you love a specific person SO SO MUCH there is no way to quiet the pain of missing that person.  The love does not stop just because you meet or love someone new.  The love and ache does not stop just because that person is not in your life.  Love doesn't just disappear when the object of your love is physically gone- that love stays.  If it is a good strong real healthy true unconditional love then it exists, strongly exists, no matter what.  You carry the ache and the love and the missing with you all the time along with the love you may hold for the new person- but those emotions for two different people- they co-exist. 

I've been thinking I should write a refresher post about manifestation.  I firmly believe 100% that once you realize you have a twin soul, whether that person is with you or has separated from you, if you are the person who is... like me, the one writing the blog, the one who aches to hear from the other- then you are a very strong manifestor and you really must start learning how to control your energy and your creations.  You have to start being so so careful with your energy.  Sometimes I feel like having a twin soul/twin flame is to show us we are strong manifestors.  Knowing James did do that for me.  So far he's been the strongest mirror in my life.  It was the most intense connection, and for me it has been the strongest most unwavering love, desire and ache to have another person in my life than anyone else I've ever met.  I've had other soul connections before, loved them too, but I was able to let them go and move on.  I wish them the best but I don't "long" for those people.  I don't think of them.  We don't have "unfinished business."  But with James- I ache.  I miss him, and this (not knowing each other) does not feel right.   We should know each other.  We should be able to talk to each other freely- that would feel normal to me.  I am even going to go out on a limb and say even if we were not in a traditional "relationship" I still feel like we should be able to look each other in the eye and say- the truth is I have always loved you and still do, and no matter what our circumstances are- I love you, think you are wonderful, and care about you as much as I did when I met you.  That to me feels like TRUTH. 

I just feel like I won't ever be totally emotionally at peace inside until I have that truth in my life.  Until I talk with him and he is the James I met and fell in love with- the man I know he is.  That is what would feel right and real.  I feel unsettled about James and it hurts.  I love him and... just because I have Dave in my life does nothing to take away the ache I feel over James.  I can't just take the love I feel for James and shift it to someone else and make it all go away.  Impossible.  The desire to know him, have him in my life again as someone who loves me and cares about me, and me for him, remains now as strongly as it did four years ago, four years plus.

Nothing I can do about it really.  The aching does not feel good but I love him and I can't help it.  Sometimes I do wish it did not hurt so much, or I wish I could just love him without wanting to know him, see him, or talk with him again.  But that strong love, ache, longing and desire is there no matter what.

I hope you are all doing well.  Take care.


Tuesday, March 27, 2018

This Empty Space

Ugh I've been feeling sad. I've said this repeatedly on my blog- I have a good happy blessed life. I'm appreciative of this fact. But nothing seems to erase the ache I feel about James.

David, the man who I share love with, his late wife's birthday is tomorrow. It's her first birthday being gone. Her daughters are sad. And Dave is so very sad. He thanks me for understanding... but on my part it's almost selfish.  Why? Because I know he gets it. He misses her and it hurts no matter of he has me in his life or not. I'm sure he would feel even worse if he was alone without my love in his life BUT my love does not fill the empty place in his heart left from losing his wife. And I'm totally okay with that. I understand.

I understand because knowing David, spending time with him and loving each other does nothing to fill the aching hole in my heart that's there from  James being gone like he is and he's been. I honestly feel like NOTHING can heal that except for his return to my life. Only then will my heart be fully at peace with no achy places.

The only time it doesn't hurt is when I get busy with "real life" and I really don't think of him. Then it doesn't hurt so much. But damn. It's sad. I just don't feel like it's RIGHT. We should know each other! We should talk and be two people who can show each other that we care for one another. When I push my thoughts and love for James to the back burner it feels wrong, like I'm giving up. And I've NEVER ever been one to give up on something important to me.

I have so much love joy peace abundance and blessings in my life! God or whatever is out there knows my heart, knows I'm thankful for my good life. Dave is a dear soul. But I still miss James. I'm almost relieved in a way when I can tell Dave is strongly missing his wife. Or when he shares that he's felt her around him a lot- I'm relieved because I still miss James so much that I cry. Especially when I allow myself to recall him, bring his memory to mind, and I can remember how sweet and kind he was. How very real and good it was between us. The love between us was clean, healthy, real and genuine. It was sweet love.

I ache to feel us hugging again. I imagine it. I think back to the last time I saw him,  the only time I've seen him since we dated. Almost two years ago. But he pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I wish I would have been more still and quiet. I wish I could have been held by him longer. I think back to that sweet and unbelievable evening and I know so strongly that he missed me and was hurting and he wanted to hold me and have me close. I just wish that moment could have lasted longer.  Forever would have been nice.

But forever would have left Dave here possibly alone and suffering at what was the darkest time in his life. I can't imagine that either. I feel like I've helped him,  and he's helped me too. Knowing him helps because... how do I explain it? Even though it's not the same, and I hate to say this but I will, he's not the first one I want: I truly want James with me as the man I share love and life with. But I was aching too. I was hurting and grieving. I had fought so hard. I was trying to be very strong but I think I was weary and my God I was having such a hard time finding my joy while being all alone, no companionship, and dearly missing someone. Similar to Dave. And here we are. And his love and friendship and companionship is a blessing.

But I love James and I still want him. I literally live my life "for today." I enjoy the people, love and good experiences I have each day. But I... I tell Dave that's all I can do. I can love him and treat him well (which I do- I feel it's part of my role in life right at this moment, to make this sweet hurting grieving utterly loving man feel better) but I need to take things day by day. He accepts this. He accepts me. He also knows my heart still aches even if I mainly keep my love for James to myself.

This empty space in my heart. My heart aches. I heard a few songs the other day and I cried so hard. I can imagine James smiling at me, asking how I am and hugging me. Quietly hugging for a while. I do miss everything about him. I miss him embrace, the tender way he'd touch my cheek and tilt my face towards him so he could kiss me. I miss our sweet sweet loving warm long passionate kisses. I miss him and his kisses.

I really wish I could talk with James, see him again. A good long hug. I would like to quietly be held in his arms for a good long time. Only then will this aching empty space in my heart begin to heal.

Friday, March 9, 2018


I saw a Youtube video today from a movie, some movie I've never seen before.  A romance.  In this particular scene a man has just gotten married.  A woman shows up at the reception (they have history) and she tells him this:

"Because I have realized matter where you are or what are you doing or who you are with I will always honestly, truly, completely, love you."

My heart echoes those words.

I still miss you.
I still want to talk to you again.

I still remember the friendly man I met and spent hours talking with.  I remember our very first conversation very well actually.  You asked me for my phone number and we were texting and then you asked me to call you, and I did.  And when I first heard the sound of your sweetly adorable voice I had butterflies the size of dinosaurs rushing around inside me.  We talked for so long.  You were so intelligent and stimulating to speak with.  I fell in love with you then.
I miss you.  So much.  I miss my friend.  You were my friend and I miss my friend.
There are no hard feelings.  I am so tired.  We... meant a lot to each other and I've never gotten over losing you like I did.  So much has healed inside of me but I'll never fully come to terms with how we separated because it was not normal.  I am a smart strong woman and I know reality.  I know what truth is and I know when two people fall in love as deeply as we did that love doesn't just disappear.  It hurts to be torn away from someone you've fallen in love with, someone you've become so attached to.  Someone who makes your heart soar and your spirit sing!  You did that for me.  Every moment I spent with you was beautiful.  I looked forward to every word I heard from you, every conversation we shared, every kiss we enjoyed together.  I loved being in your arms.  I loved hearing your voice.  I loved seeing you smile.  I loved hearing you knock at my door so I could see you standing there, smiling and adorable.

I fucking miss you so much.

Life is different for both of us I'm sure.  But that doesn't mean I don't think about you or remember you or still love you, and I for sure miss you.  I miss you even more now as a friend than a lover.  You were funny and sweet, and you were so kind and respectful to me.  It breaks my heart.  I can't get over it.  I can't stop loving you.  It hits me when I see a bright clear night sky with lots of stars.  And who can escape the sky?

My life is happy.  Great changes have happened for me.  My son is SO wonderful- the most wonderful little boy ever; I'm so blessed.  I have tons of love in my life.  I love my life, and I am thankful for all that I have.  But I still miss you.  I can't help it!  I wish I could know you again.  No matter how happy life is... I still have this ache in my heart for you.

It should be different between us.  We should be friends.  We should talk.

I hope life is happy for you too.  I want only goodness for you.

But I miss you, dearly.

I wish I could see your sweet smiley beautiful face again.

I wish I could hug you.

I wish I could see you smile at me and hear you say hello.

I wish I could feel you wrap your arms around me and hold me.

I wish I could tell you I love you and I always will, no matter what.

I wish I could look into your bright blue eyes and again know the amazingly loving, kind, respectful and gentle friend I met what feels like yesterday but has been too long.

It doesn't matter to me what my life or your life is like right now, like the quote above- I know I will always love you. You are still the only man I want calling me honey.


Monday, February 12, 2018


I've seen this movie twice now and I cried both times!  There is just something so touching and sentimental about it!  And this song, "Remember Me."  People we love will never fade away.

I remember when James left, October 2013- when we'd dated and he was leaving.  The last time I saw him before he walked out my door he told me, "It's not goodbye.  It's till we see each other again."  I can't help it; recalling those words makes me cry.  After all that has happened those words make my heart ache.

"Don't cry because it ended.  Smile because it happened/"   <----- I sure wish I could get to this place.  I am having a hard time, privately.  I try to keep it myself.  I am trying to be "spiritually mature" and just mature in general.  I have this wonderful man in my life, David.  He is so so sweet.  He adores me and is kind, gentle, loving, peaceful, funny, etc.  He's just an all-around wonderful person with the biggest most generous heart.  He told me he feels we are here on earth to be loving helpful people and he feels he's "love embodied."  And he's right- he's very loving and kind.  To everyone.  He's a dear to my son too.  He loves PJ.  We spend a lot of time with Dave and we feel like our own unique kind of "family" now.

Don't cry because it ended.  Smile because it happened.  I feel that is easier for Dave to do because his wife is actually gone.  She passed away.  He kind of HAS to let go and learn to live again.  For me it is harder, and he acknowledges that.  James is still out there and we had no real "ending."  That's one reason why it is SO SO HARD for me to just "let go and move on."

I need resolution.  Reconciliation.  Something.  Limbo is killing me.  I try.  Oh how I try to be 100% fully happy and content with what I have now and to "let go" of wanting to hear from James again.  I wish I could let go of that desire.  It would ease my heart.  I would have more inner peace.  

So imagine how torn I am.  I love Dave.  He's been so good to me!  I'd never take advantage of his kindness or generosity but seriously- anything I need he'd help me.  I am VERY thankful and I tell God every day how blessed I am to know Dave and have him enter into my life.

See, James was very good to me too even though I only knew him for a short time.  In those weeks though he showed me that he is very similar to David.  James was kind, gentle, patient, loving, funny, friendly and generous to me.  He touched me gently.  He kissed me gently.  He even had a soft gentle way of speaking to me.  Him and Dave are quite similar in their energy.  So just look how BLESSED I am!  I had James, this loving kind soul... and then the next man I actually share love with is similar.  A very good person too.  I went from "amazing" to "also amazing."  Of course I am thankful for that blessing.  I really am.  Please don't read my words and think I don't know how blessed I am.

The challenging part is I still love James.  It is like impossible for me to forget him, not that I should but... it's, it's hard.  I am not at peace with our situation.  I need some type of closure, and I hate using that word closure because it feels like an ending and I am not necessarily asking for an ending but I need reconciliation.  Resolution.  Peace.  I want to speak to James like we did when we first met.  When it was REAL and "normal" and kind.  I want to talk to my friend again.

So.  A week ago PJ and I spend a lovely Sunday with David.  PJ thanked God for Dave as we said thanks at dinner.  PJ gave the sweetest blessing.  He said, "Dear God, Lord and Jesus- thank you for this great man Dave.  He lost his wife and then found us.  He has two dogs.  I love his dogs and I love him."  I was near tears.  How sweet and innocent.  Dave has been such a blessing to our life.  That night I went to sleep feeling more at peace, like hey- if this is going to be my life then I am blessed to go from one good man (James) to another good man (David.)  I was thinking... maybe we don't always get what we want.  Maybe I can WANT to talk to James again but maybe, just maybe, I am not going to have that opportunity and I should "reconcile" myself to accepting what I have now with open arms while realizing that... my journey with James might be... part of my past.  Here for a reason and now done, part of my past that I should love and embrace in my heart forever. 

It kills me to even write that but it's what I was thinking.  That night I dreamed of James very vividly.  I rarely dream of him.  At the end of this dream I ended up sitting on my porch and he walked up to me, greeted me and then sat next to me.  Before he sat he took my face in his hands and kissed me twice, quickly but with great emotion.  In the dream it felt like we had not seen each other in forever, and there was much emotion between us.  It seems as if we were going to "talk."

Of course I woke up thinking... WTF!?  Why?  I woke with him in my heart and mind so closely.  It aches!  So why be reminded so strongly?

About a week later something else happened (that I am choosing not to repeat here) and all I can say is it confuses me and leaves me torn.  Part of me wants to be irritated.  I felt kind of annoyed and that night I had a nightmare about David.  It was a terrible dream.  In it he was actually married, having an affair with me and the woman he was married to found out, was upset, etc.  As I was dreaming I was feeling such anxiety and confusion and hurt and guilt, shame.  This thought of, "But he's not married..." was seeping into my dream.  And then Dave's alarm went off and woke me up.  Oddly he'd had a nightmare too.

So weird, and I don't think a coincidence.  But why?

I am so confused.  I am one who totally feels that I get my dreams from above.  I don't feel my nightmare was just some random dream.  I feel it was "given" to me and to be honest it scared me because when those things happen I feel it's a "warning" or something.  The energy in the dream was SO icky and sad.  I'm still confused. 

Part of me wonders if I had an "icky" dream because my energy and emotions were kind of frustrated and shitty that night.  Not externally but internally and higher self always knows what I'm thinking, feeling, etc.  So was the dream just a reflection of my shitty energy?   My worry is that the dream was telling me to be more thankful for what I have in my life right now and quit "wanting" more.  Like I am being shown to stop wishing for that conversation with James.  Then I start to feel guilty for loving two people, for still wanting to hear from James, like I should be strong and "right" enough to let it go.

Another thing is someone left a comment on my blog that said, "Please take care and keep writing."  I think that person means "Keep writing the blog" but the timing is poignant because I don't do my personal private journaling as much as I used to.  It feels weird sometimes because I still want to affirm my love for James and tell the universe that I KNOW he loves me and is a good person, and I believe we are still meant to meet again.  I WANT to write that!  It is MY HEART to write that!

But then I feel like a total hypocrite!  And now I want to cry!  Part of me wonders if that blog comment was left for me as a reminder to keep doing my writing because I don't as much as I used to.  I feel that internal conflict though.

I don't want to feel guilty.  Even if I reach out to James myself from time to time I don't want to feel shame in doing so.  When I met Dave I was totally honest with him about what I was going through.  There is unfinished business between me and James.  My heart still aches even if I love someone else too.  I can't control that.

Lastly I have this little "poking" thought that tells me no matter what happens or how I feel or the frustration I can feel over having no "closure" and wanting a resolution- I am tasked with staying as LOVING AND KIND in my energy as possible.  Not fall prey to feeling shitty inside.

Welcome to being "more than human."  I live a life where I do not feel I have the luxury of having internal shit fits.  I can't let myself feel angry or overly irritated.  If anything I let myself cry when it aches.  When I miss him.  Missing James out of still loving him is better than getting angry with frustration.  Maybe I don't have exactly what I wanted but I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I DO have.

I don't have what I wanted though.  I can't say that I do, and that's the hard part to admit.  Full honesty.  Dave is great.  He is so far from me "settling."  Dave is a wonderful man.  But he's not James.  I wanted James so much.  I've loved him, and I still do.

I don't know how to let go.  There is still this lump in my throat when I remember James touching my face and kissing me.  I can't turn on my old laptop because the videos of us kissing are on there and I know I'll see them and they will make me fall apart.  I CANNOT watch him touching my face with his lovely hands.  I can't hear his cute adorably goofy giggle.  I can't watch us kissing passionately, so in love.  SO IN LOVE.  It would kill me inside.  One of those videos we were laying in my bed after making love.  He asked to record us kissing.  I am so in love with him as he kisses me.  Helplessly in love.  Fully in love.  Madly. Deeply.

It still hurts.  I am thankful.  I really am.  I deserve to have love in my life right now, and I do and I am very grateful.  But even writing this out- makes my chest hurt.

I feel it's been a necessary experience in learning to let someone love me and treat me well.  It's been about six months that I've known Dave and only now can I accept something like him paying for my sidewalk to be shoveled without feeling uncomfortable like I should be doing it myself, taking care of myself.  I believe it when he looks at me and tells me how lucky he is, that I am so beautiful, that he's super lucky to have me, etc.  I have no doubts.  I believe his heartfelt sentiment.

I just wish I had done the same thing with James when he told me those same things, and I know he meant them.  And he wanted me to believe them- he somehow knew if I did not then things would have to change between us, and I believe in my heart he did not want things to change at all.  He loves me and wanted me in his life.  It hurts so so much to know I could not fully believe him.  I wish I could go back- I wish I could go back and thank God every day for having James in my life.  I wish I would have been able to push any fear and doubt out and just enjoyed James and his love for me.

I wish I would have believed.

My life truly is blessed, and I am thankful.  I am.  But my GOD I still ache.  I miss James so much.  I do wonder if I'll hear from him or see him again.  I can't help but hope so.   My intuition tells me to be very watchful and aware of my energy, thoughts, intentions, etc.  For some reason I feel like I'm being guided to truly be as loving, peaceful, kind, and gentle in my energy as possible.  Warned against backsliding into "hubris."  Count my blessings.  Focus on gratitude.

One question I wish I had the answer to though.  While I am counting my blessings and being grateful, thanking God for all the goodness in my life, is it okay for my heart to still ache?  Does having gratitude mean I am not supposed to feel the loss of this person in my life who I still love so much?  Or can I feel both?  Gratitude and a private personal sorrow at the same time?

I wish I knew this.

I wish I had some clarity.