I saw Josh Groban in concert the other night in Chicago. It was an amazing concert! I love Josh. He has the best sweetest heart. And his music really speaks to me. He writes and sings often about love. Like this one...
One thing though. The first time I saw Josh Groban in concert was October 2013, like only a week after initial "separation" had happened between me and James. Seriously it was a week of Hell waiting and hoping and praying to hear from him once the contact abruptly stopped. So I was in my own private Hell sitting in the stadium listening to Josh singing songs of love and connection and fate and destiny and heart. I sat there and sobbed through most of it. I remembered that when I saw him the other night. It brought so much emotion back to me.
"More of You." My God- I still remember James, and I remember how hot we burned, immediately. I STILL miss him. I am STILL HERE loving him and missing him. It never goes away, not really. Yes I spend less time thinking of him. I used to write daily, hoping and praying it would somehow magically "bring him back to me." It did, for moments at a time. I knew on some level it worked but I could not get it to stick. Now I realize I was manifesting both what I wanted and what I did not want at the same time. But back then I wrote fervently. I focused, mediated, prayed, all the time. IT WAS MY ENTIRE LIFE besides my son. My life is different now. It *had* to be because I was making myself sick. And I was antsy. I'd spent four years learning how to heal, being shown how to live a more positive and loving life. And I think I was ready to start to "live again." After the silence happened I went into a hermit mode that needed to happen. But four years later I was coming out of hermit mode, and I then met David. And a year later here I am.
But I still love James. The man in my "real life" knows this and continues to be okay with it. He loves me "anyway." Love is a blessing no matter how you look at it.
Now here is a song that kicks the emotional shit out me:
Dear Lord. When I first heard this song I fell apart. I sobbed. He sings, "When you find love embrace it." When I met James I wish I could have done that, simply embraced his sweet huge beautiful love and ran with it. Not been afraid. But I was afraid, and here I am five years later still loving James and missing him. But because I have the opportunity to have love in my life right now I am "embracing" the blessing of being loved, of sharing love. But I also love James in my heart. I will hear songs that remind me and I still cry. I wish every day that I could see him again and talk with him freely. I wish I could touch his face and hug him and hold him and tell him that I love him dearly, always have and always will. I wish I could tell him that I know he is a sweet wonderful person. I remember him and cherish the memories of our time together.
I wish I could tell him that I know, I remember, how much he loved me and that love does not just end. He left me still loving me and did not want to leave me and I realize that. I want to tell him how much it has hurt being away from him and how I've longed to know him again. That I miss talking with him. That I dream of hearing his sweet voice on the phone saying, "Hi Jennifer." Our long fun conversations. His adorable laugh. His intelligence. How he inspires me.
I want to tell him I can't even watch or listen to much science-related because it reminds me of him and makes me ache. That my son still talks about James giving him the golf balls. I want him to see what an amazing young man my son has grown to be. I want to see, hug and talk to the kind gentle endearing sweetheart I know he is! I want to know my friend again! I think this and wish it every day.
It does not end. I do not hold love for other men I've loved in the past like I have for James. I think some of is that we had no "end" and no resolution. And it is not normal. It was like... I've always known he's loved me (and he affirmed this himself the last time we talked after years of separation already) so I KNOW we were apart from each other although he actually still was very much in love with me. Why should that be any different now? If he could still love me and want me in his life after two years apart then why not two more years? Love, real true love, lasts. When you dearly love someone it sticks. And I know that is the kind of love we have.
I would love to see this reflected in my real life but I don't need that to feel peace in knowing James does love me. My heart aches because I miss him and I wish to know him again. I miss my friend. I miss our long interesting discussions. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his laughing. I miss his beautiful glowing blue eyes. I just miss knowing James as a person. I continue to love him very much.