Wednesday, May 9, 2018
I still love James. Still think of him every day. I still cry over him. I'd like to say that I smile about him too but not often because I miss him too much to feel much joy over thinking about him.
This is frustrating. I work to consciously live a positive life and affirm the goodness in my life. I honestly do. I firmly believe that my energy creates my reality and I try to be careful, to focus on joy and thankfulness. I am thankful for all the love, blessings, peace, joy and abundance in my life. I have a really good life! I do. I am aware of this and I am thankful for it.
But then why do I still miss this man so much? Why does my heart still ache? OH MY GOD it feels so frustrating to yearn to connect with him again as a HUMAN BEING. I want my friend back in my life. I want to know James again.
I'm in a relationship with someone else. It's... I care about this man. I love him a lot. He means so much to me. He is a good man, and he loves me a lot. He's done a lot to teach me how to accept being loved. He's made me more comfortable with allowing someone to love me and treat me well, and I feel like we are meant to be together. Right now. I take it day by day. I am thankful to have him in my life, to know him, to be loved by him. I am thankful to be in his life- yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of his wife and he's hurting badly, grieving, and I try to be a dose of extra love and joy in his life, comfort. Yes we can love one person and grieve another. We can love one person and still love another person too. I do that every day. I love David. I care about him. But I also still love James, a lot. And honestly it hurts. Just like Dave hurts over missing his wife yet he still loves her, and I am sure if he could have her back in his life he would. He would.
It really is not much different for me. His wife left a hole in his heart that I cannot fill, and that's okay. But I have a hole too, and he can't fill it. No one but James can, and I just wish I could know him again. I wish I knew him. I want to talk to him, like normal. Honest. Truthful. Open. Transparent, EASY. Real.
Dave knows how I feel. We've talked about it. He knows when I am hurting more than usual. He knows I get signs still, and that I have dreams about James. He knows I still love him and I hurt and I miss him and I want to talk to him again. Dave has told me he hopes I get that opportunity. I know the idea is uncomfortable for him because he loves me a lot and I know he probably hopes I will be with him forever. But I can't think about "forever." I just can't. I did not promise forever to Dave, never have. I am so so so good to him each day that we are together like this, in a committed love relationship, and I really hope I can be good to him for a long time, as long as I know him. But I can't give him a promise of "I will be with you forever."
Not long ago he mentioned having a baby, us having a baby. I suppose with modern medicine it COULD happen, and he'd make an excellent father- BUT IT IS NOT MY DREAM. I dreamed of having another baby with James. So finally I had to speak my truth and I told David that. I told him that I did not mean to hurt him in any way but James and I had talked about having a baby together. And that is what I had my heart set on, and it was not a dream I could just easily transfer to another person. I told him there is only one person I wanted to have another baby with and that is James, and if not with James then I did not see myself having another child. I did not say this to be mean or hurtful but I HAD to say it. I HURT. I miss James so very much. I still love him so much. I remember him. I swear I get signs still. I don't know if I get the signs when I think of him or if I get the signs to think of him or what. All I know is I ache, deeply. I ache. I miss him. And it hurts. Yes life can be good, happy, abundant, full of love and goodness- and it is! But I still have this sadness right alongside my happiness and it comes from missing James. I can't seem to stop the sadness. I enjoy being with David. And he is BY FAR the only man I could ever be with because I can be fully honest with him and he accepts me still. It is freeing and a huge relief to be able to be honest with Dave about James- if I could not then I'd feel like I was hiding something or dishonest and it would not be good for me or the relationship or the other person! Dave understands I can only do this day by day. He understands my heart aches and I miss James. He respects my love for him. Just like I respect that he grieves deeply.
This is why I feel like we were meant to meet somehow. That's it's right for however long it's meant to be for, and I will always treat him well and with love. I am meant to be that in his life. He's a very loving kind man and he is hurting. I am really a very loving gentle person, and well, maybe love is healing, right? For both of us.
But I still miss James. I remember him. Certain things remind me. 80s music. Geology. Golf. James told me he would teach me how to golf. He loves golfing. Dave loves golf too and he has asked me to go golfing with him, and eventually I'm going to have to go- but it aches because it reminds me of James, and how I was supposed to go with him. Being at the park by my house reminds me of our first date. My memories are bittersweet.
I have these little items that James gave me, or things that reminds me of him, in my room on a shelf. I was worried Dave would see them, and he has. He noticed. Pop Rocks. A little "gem" grown from one of those "grow your own gem" kits for kids- James gave PJ one and we grew a gem from it, and it sits on my shelf. Silly? Maybe. But I can't bear to pack it up and put it away. So I was up front and told Dave that yes they remind me of James and I can't pack them away. Again he said he understands and would not expect me to- what a blessings, right? He's very understanding, and it is a blessing. I try to be as understanding with him. I do love him and it is not always 100% easy to sometimes feel like I am... not her. He was and still is very much in love with his wife, and he misses her dearly. I feel for him. Like I feel bad for him because he misses her and I am not her. I for one know from experience that when you love a specific person SO SO MUCH there is no way to quiet the pain of missing that person. The love does not stop just because you meet or love someone new. The love and ache does not stop just because that person is not in your life. Love doesn't just disappear when the object of your love is physically gone- that love stays. If it is a good strong real healthy true unconditional love then it exists, strongly exists, no matter what. You carry the ache and the love and the missing with you all the time along with the love you may hold for the new person- but those emotions for two different people- they co-exist.
I've been thinking I should write a refresher post about manifestation. I firmly believe 100% that once you realize you have a twin soul, whether that person is with you or has separated from you, if you are the person who is... like me, the one writing the blog, the one who aches to hear from the other- then you are a very strong manifestor and you really must start learning how to control your energy and your creations. You have to start being so so careful with your energy. Sometimes I feel like having a twin soul/twin flame is to show us we are strong manifestors. Knowing James did do that for me. So far he's been the strongest mirror in my life. It was the most intense connection, and for me it has been the strongest most unwavering love, desire and ache to have another person in my life than anyone else I've ever met. I've had other soul connections before, loved them too, but I was able to let them go and move on. I wish them the best but I don't "long" for those people. I don't think of them. We don't have "unfinished business." But with James- I ache. I miss him, and this (not knowing each other) does not feel right. We should know each other. We should be able to talk to each other freely- that would feel normal to me. I am even going to go out on a limb and say even if we were not in a traditional "relationship" I still feel like we should be able to look each other in the eye and say- the truth is I have always loved you and still do, and no matter what our circumstances are- I love you, think you are wonderful, and care about you as much as I did when I met you. That to me feels like TRUTH.
I just feel like I won't ever be totally emotionally at peace inside until I have that truth in my life. Until I talk with him and he is the James I met and fell in love with- the man I know he is. That is what would feel right and real. I feel unsettled about James and it hurts. I love him and... just because I have Dave in my life does nothing to take away the ache I feel over James. I can't just take the love I feel for James and shift it to someone else and make it all go away. Impossible. The desire to know him, have him in my life again as someone who loves me and cares about me, and me for him, remains now as strongly as it did four years ago, four years plus.
Nothing I can do about it really. The aching does not feel good but I love him and I can't help it. Sometimes I do wish it did not hurt so much, or I wish I could just love him without wanting to know him, see him, or talk with him again. But that strong love, ache, longing and desire is there no matter what.
I hope you are all doing well. Take care.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
David, the man who I share love with, his late wife's birthday is tomorrow. It's her first birthday being gone. Her daughters are sad. And Dave is so very sad. He thanks me for understanding... but on my part it's almost selfish. Why? Because I know he gets it. He misses her and it hurts no matter of he has me in his life or not. I'm sure he would feel even worse if he was alone without my love in his life BUT my love does not fill the empty place in his heart left from losing his wife. And I'm totally okay with that. I understand.
I understand because knowing David, spending time with him and loving each other does nothing to fill the aching hole in my heart that's there from James being gone like he is and he's been. I honestly feel like NOTHING can heal that except for his return to my life. Only then will my heart be fully at peace with no achy places.
The only time it doesn't hurt is when I get busy with "real life" and I really don't think of him. Then it doesn't hurt so much. But damn. It's sad. I just don't feel like it's RIGHT. We should know each other! We should talk and be two people who can show each other that we care for one another. When I push my thoughts and love for James to the back burner it feels wrong, like I'm giving up. And I've NEVER ever been one to give up on something important to me.
I have so much love joy peace abundance and blessings in my life! God or whatever is out there knows my heart, knows I'm thankful for my good life. Dave is a dear soul. But I still miss James. I'm almost relieved in a way when I can tell Dave is strongly missing his wife. Or when he shares that he's felt her around him a lot- I'm relieved because I still miss James so much that I cry. Especially when I allow myself to recall him, bring his memory to mind, and I can remember how sweet and kind he was. How very real and good it was between us. The love between us was clean, healthy, real and genuine. It was sweet love.
I ache to feel us hugging again. I imagine it. I think back to the last time I saw him, the only time I've seen him since we dated. Almost two years ago. But he pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I wish I would have been more still and quiet. I wish I could have been held by him longer. I think back to that sweet and unbelievable evening and I know so strongly that he missed me and was hurting and he wanted to hold me and have me close. I just wish that moment could have lasted longer. Forever would have been nice.
But forever would have left Dave here possibly alone and suffering at what was the darkest time in his life. I can't imagine that either. I feel like I've helped him, and he's helped me too. Knowing him helps because... how do I explain it? Even though it's not the same, and I hate to say this but I will, he's not the first one I want: I truly want James with me as the man I share love and life with. But I was aching too. I was hurting and grieving. I had fought so hard. I was trying to be very strong but I think I was weary and my God I was having such a hard time finding my joy while being all alone, no companionship, and dearly missing someone. Similar to Dave. And here we are. And his love and friendship and companionship is a blessing.
But I love James and I still want him. I literally live my life "for today." I enjoy the people, love and good experiences I have each day. But I... I tell Dave that's all I can do. I can love him and treat him well (which I do- I feel it's part of my role in life right at this moment, to make this sweet hurting grieving utterly loving man feel better) but I need to take things day by day. He accepts this. He accepts me. He also knows my heart still aches even if I mainly keep my love for James to myself.
This empty space in my heart. My heart aches. I heard a few songs the other day and I cried so hard. I can imagine James smiling at me, asking how I am and hugging me. Quietly hugging for a while. I do miss everything about him. I miss him embrace, the tender way he'd touch my cheek and tilt my face towards him so he could kiss me. I miss our sweet sweet loving warm long passionate kisses. I miss him and his kisses.
I really wish I could talk with James, see him again. A good long hug. I would like to quietly be held in his arms for a good long time. Only then will this aching empty space in my heart begin to heal.
Friday, March 9, 2018
"Because I have realized that..no matter where you are or what are you doing or who you are with I will always honestly, truly, completely, love you."
My heart echoes those words.
I still miss you.
I still want to talk to you again.
I still remember the friendly man I met and spent hours talking with. I remember our very first conversation very well actually. You asked me for my phone number and we were texting and then you asked me to call you, and I did. And when I first heard the sound of your sweetly adorable voice I had butterflies the size of dinosaurs rushing around inside me. We talked for so long. You were so intelligent and stimulating to speak with. I fell in love with you then.
I miss you. So much. I miss my friend. You were my friend and I miss my friend.
There are no hard feelings. I am so tired. We... meant a lot to each other and I've never gotten over losing you like I did. So much has healed inside of me but I'll never fully come to terms with how we separated because it was not normal. I am a smart strong woman and I know reality. I know what truth is and I know when two people fall in love as deeply as we did that love doesn't just disappear. It hurts to be torn away from someone you've fallen in love with, someone you've become so attached to. Someone who makes your heart soar and your spirit sing! You did that for me. Every moment I spent with you was beautiful. I looked forward to every word I heard from you, every conversation we shared, every kiss we enjoyed together. I loved being in your arms. I loved hearing your voice. I loved seeing you smile. I loved hearing you knock at my door so I could see you standing there, smiling and adorable.
I fucking miss you so much.
Life is different for both of us I'm sure. But that doesn't mean I don't think about you or remember you or still love you, and I for sure miss you. I miss you even more now as a friend than a lover. You were funny and sweet, and you were so kind and respectful to me. It breaks my heart. I can't get over it. I can't stop loving you. It hits me when I see a bright clear night sky with lots of stars. And who can escape the sky?
My life is happy. Great changes have happened for me. My son is SO wonderful- the most wonderful little boy ever; I'm so blessed. I have tons of love in my life. I love my life, and I am thankful for all that I have. But I still miss you. I can't help it! I wish I could know you again. No matter how happy life is... I still have this ache in my heart for you.
It should be different between us. We should be friends. We should talk.
I hope life is happy for you too. I want only goodness for you.
But I miss you, dearly.
I wish I could see your sweet smiley beautiful face again.
I wish I could hug you.
I wish I could see you smile at me and hear you say hello.
I wish I could feel you wrap your arms around me and hold me.
I wish I could tell you I love you and I always will, no matter what.
I wish I could look into your bright blue eyes and again know the amazingly loving, kind, respectful and gentle friend I met what feels like yesterday but has been too long.
It doesn't matter to me what my life or your life is like right now, like the quote above- I know I will always love you. You are still the only man I want calling me honey.
Monday, February 12, 2018
I've seen this movie twice now and I cried both times! There is just something so touching and sentimental about it! And this song, "Remember Me." People we love will never fade away.
I remember when James left, October 2013- when we'd dated and he was leaving. The last time I saw him before he walked out my door he told me, "It's not goodbye. It's till we see each other again." I can't help it; recalling those words makes me cry. After all that has happened those words make my heart ache.
"Don't cry because it ended. Smile because it happened/" <----- I sure wish I could get to this place. I am having a hard time, privately. I try to keep it myself. I am trying to be "spiritually mature" and just mature in general. I have this wonderful man in my life, David. He is so so sweet. He adores me and is kind, gentle, loving, peaceful, funny, etc. He's just an all-around wonderful person with the biggest most generous heart. He told me he feels we are here on earth to be loving helpful people and he feels he's "love embodied." And he's right- he's very loving and kind. To everyone. He's a dear to my son too. He loves PJ. We spend a lot of time with Dave and we feel like our own unique kind of "family" now.
Don't cry because it ended. Smile because it happened. I feel that is easier for Dave to do because his wife is actually gone. She passed away. He kind of HAS to let go and learn to live again. For me it is harder, and he acknowledges that. James is still out there and we had no real "ending." That's one reason why it is SO SO HARD for me to just "let go and move on."
I need resolution. Reconciliation. Something. Limbo is killing me. I try. Oh how I try to be 100% fully happy and content with what I have now and to "let go" of wanting to hear from James again. I wish I could let go of that desire. It would ease my heart. I would have more inner peace.
So imagine how torn I am. I love Dave. He's been so good to me! I'd never take advantage of his kindness or generosity but seriously- anything I need he'd help me. I am VERY thankful and I tell God every day how blessed I am to know Dave and have him enter into my life.
See, James was very good to me too even though I only knew him for a short time. In those weeks though he showed me that he is very similar to David. James was kind, gentle, patient, loving, funny, friendly and generous to me. He touched me gently. He kissed me gently. He even had a soft gentle way of speaking to me. Him and Dave are quite similar in their energy. So just look how BLESSED I am! I had James, this loving kind soul... and then the next man I actually share love with is similar. A very good person too. I went from "amazing" to "also amazing." Of course I am thankful for that blessing. I really am. Please don't read my words and think I don't know how blessed I am.
The challenging part is I still love James. It is like impossible for me to forget him, not that I should but... it's, it's hard. I am not at peace with our situation. I need some type of closure, and I hate using that word closure because it feels like an ending and I am not necessarily asking for an ending but I need reconciliation. Resolution. Peace. I want to speak to James like we did when we first met. When it was REAL and "normal" and kind. I want to talk to my friend again.
So. A week ago PJ and I spend a lovely Sunday with David. PJ thanked God for Dave as we said thanks at dinner. PJ gave the sweetest blessing. He said, "Dear God, Lord and Jesus- thank you for this great man Dave. He lost his wife and then found us. He has two dogs. I love his dogs and I love him." I was near tears. How sweet and innocent. Dave has been such a blessing to our life. That night I went to sleep feeling more at peace, like hey- if this is going to be my life then I am blessed to go from one good man (James) to another good man (David.) I was thinking... maybe we don't always get what we want. Maybe I can WANT to talk to James again but maybe, just maybe, I am not going to have that opportunity and I should "reconcile" myself to accepting what I have now with open arms while realizing that... my journey with James might be... part of my past. Here for a reason and now done, part of my past that I should love and embrace in my heart forever.
It kills me to even write that but it's what I was thinking. That night I dreamed of James very vividly. I rarely dream of him. At the end of this dream I ended up sitting on my porch and he walked up to me, greeted me and then sat next to me. Before he sat he took my face in his hands and kissed me twice, quickly but with great emotion. In the dream it felt like we had not seen each other in forever, and there was much emotion between us. It seems as if we were going to "talk."
Of course I woke up thinking... WTF!? Why? I woke with him in my heart and mind so closely. It aches! So why be reminded so strongly?
About a week later something else happened (that I am choosing not to repeat here) and all I can say is it confuses me and leaves me torn. Part of me wants to be irritated. I felt kind of annoyed and that night I had a nightmare about David. It was a terrible dream. In it he was actually married, having an affair with me and the woman he was married to found out, was upset, etc. As I was dreaming I was feeling such anxiety and confusion and hurt and guilt, shame. This thought of, "But he's not married..." was seeping into my dream. And then Dave's alarm went off and woke me up. Oddly he'd had a nightmare too.
So weird, and I don't think a coincidence. But why?
I am so confused. I am one who totally feels that I get my dreams from above. I don't feel my nightmare was just some random dream. I feel it was "given" to me and to be honest it scared me because when those things happen I feel it's a "warning" or something. The energy in the dream was SO icky and sad. I'm still confused.
Part of me wonders if I had an "icky" dream because my energy and emotions were kind of frustrated and shitty that night. Not externally but internally and higher self always knows what I'm thinking, feeling, etc. So was the dream just a reflection of my shitty energy? My worry is that the dream was telling me to be more thankful for what I have in my life right now and quit "wanting" more. Like I am being shown to stop wishing for that conversation with James. Then I start to feel guilty for loving two people, for still wanting to hear from James, like I should be strong and "right" enough to let it go.
Another thing is someone left a comment on my blog that said, "Please take care and keep writing." I think that person means "Keep writing the blog" but the timing is poignant because I don't do my personal private journaling as much as I used to. It feels weird sometimes because I still want to affirm my love for James and tell the universe that I KNOW he loves me and is a good person, and I believe we are still meant to meet again. I WANT to write that! It is MY HEART to write that!
But then I feel like a total hypocrite! And now I want to cry! Part of me wonders if that blog comment was left for me as a reminder to keep doing my writing because I don't as much as I used to. I feel that internal conflict though.
I don't want to feel guilty. Even if I reach out to James myself from time to time I don't want to feel shame in doing so. When I met Dave I was totally honest with him about what I was going through. There is unfinished business between me and James. My heart still aches even if I love someone else too. I can't control that.
Lastly I have this little "poking" thought that tells me no matter what happens or how I feel or the frustration I can feel over having no "closure" and wanting a resolution- I am tasked with staying as LOVING AND KIND in my energy as possible. Not fall prey to feeling shitty inside.
Welcome to being "more than human." I live a life where I do not feel I have the luxury of having internal shit fits. I can't let myself feel angry or overly irritated. If anything I let myself cry when it aches. When I miss him. Missing James out of still loving him is better than getting angry with frustration. Maybe I don't have exactly what I wanted but I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I DO have.
I don't have what I wanted though. I can't say that I do, and that's the hard part to admit. Full honesty. Dave is great. He is so far from me "settling." Dave is a wonderful man. But he's not James. I wanted James so much. I've loved him, and I still do.
I don't know how to let go. There is still this lump in my throat when I remember James touching my face and kissing me. I can't turn on my old laptop because the videos of us kissing are on there and I know I'll see them and they will make me fall apart. I CANNOT watch him touching my face with his lovely hands. I can't hear his cute adorably goofy giggle. I can't watch us kissing passionately, so in love. SO IN LOVE. It would kill me inside. One of those videos we were laying in my bed after making love. He asked to record us kissing. I am so in love with him as he kisses me. Helplessly in love. Fully in love. Madly. Deeply.
It still hurts. I am thankful. I really am. I deserve to have love in my life right now, and I do and I am very grateful. But even writing this out- makes my chest hurt.
I feel it's been a necessary experience in learning to let someone love me and treat me well. It's been about six months that I've known Dave and only now can I accept something like him paying for my sidewalk to be shoveled without feeling uncomfortable like I should be doing it myself, taking care of myself. I believe it when he looks at me and tells me how lucky he is, that I am so beautiful, that he's super lucky to have me, etc. I have no doubts. I believe his heartfelt sentiment.
I just wish I had done the same thing with James when he told me those same things, and I know he meant them. And he wanted me to believe them- he somehow knew if I did not then things would have to change between us, and I believe in my heart he did not want things to change at all. He loves me and wanted me in his life. It hurts so so much to know I could not fully believe him. I wish I could go back- I wish I could go back and thank God every day for having James in my life. I wish I would have been able to push any fear and doubt out and just enjoyed James and his love for me.
I wish I would have believed.
My life truly is blessed, and I am thankful. I am. But my GOD I still ache. I miss James so much. I do wonder if I'll hear from him or see him again. I can't help but hope so. My intuition tells me to be very watchful and aware of my energy, thoughts, intentions, etc. For some reason I feel like I'm being guided to truly be as loving, peaceful, kind, and gentle in my energy as possible. Warned against backsliding into "hubris." Count my blessings. Focus on gratitude.
One question I wish I had the answer to though. While I am counting my blessings and being grateful, thanking God for all the goodness in my life, is it okay for my heart to still ache? Does having gratitude mean I am not supposed to feel the loss of this person in my life who I still love so much? Or can I feel both? Gratitude and a private personal sorrow at the same time?
I wish I knew this.
I wish I had some clarity.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Life is interesting. Ten years ago when I applied for this job and was hired I would never have imagined I'd be the director of my department- and here I am. And to think some years ago I had such doubts and fears and I went through such a long intense dark night of the soul all while trying to keep my head above water here at work.
Life works in mysterious ways. I did falter. I had to take some "Family Medical Leave Act" time off from my job after this twin soul thing started, after separation happened. I thought I was going to die from the pain, and it was not pretty. I don't even like to think back to that time because it hurt so badly. I barely managed to keep it together at work and now I honestly feel only because I am divinely guided and watched over did I manage to get through all of it.
These last five years have changed me dramatically. I have learned so much about myself since meeting James and going through the twin soul experience of being mirrored by another human being, a human being I love with all of my heart. I grew stronger and learned I was supposed to think highly of myself instead of always doubting myself. I learned I am not a victim. I was shown that I must let go of any animosity concerning my past and the people in it and instead focus on love, loving experiences, and forgiving people. Including myself. I was shown to not let people push me around or allow them to make me feel badly about myself. I learned how to stand up for myself but in a diplomatic way and not with a shitty attitude or bitterness.
Some of what I learned doesn't always feel good nor is it easy to apply to human life, not always. Sometimes I still don't fully understand. I don't have contact with James at all. I wish I did! I wish I knew him. I wish I knew James again and he could be the friendly sweet funny kind intelligent aware man I met. I ache to know that man again.
For anyone new who finds my blog I hope you understand one thing, and I need to write a post that is all about this one idea- no I am not with my twin at this time. Yes I am with someone else, a different loving caring man. I did not plan for that to happen. I did not "ask" for it in the sense of feeling like I wanted to meet someone else. I honestly wanted James, and at the time I met this man I was being very militantly "faithful" to my twin, turning down other men, etc. Somehow I was lead to this man I know now, David, and I feel good with him. I feel like it is okay. I feel like I was shown that it's okay.
I feel like maybe I could have been with my twin, maybe? The opportunity was there and I just could not get there. I know what I focused on that kept us apart. I know the things I spoke into reality. I know what I manifested incorrectly that caused us to not be together now. Even though I tried so hard.
It is understandable that so many "twin flame" connections are NOT in union! Nearly every single twin experience I hear about is full of blame, ego, etc. The women are blaming the men. They cannot see the mirroring aspect at all. They cannot see it from a higher perspective. And as long as the female energy is blaming the male energy, focusing on what they don't want more of, then the female energy (typically the female twin) will continue to repel the male energy (typically the male twin) and everyone will stay apart.
I tried. I really did. I don't want people to think from reading my blog that I "gave up" or now feel that twins are not meant to be together or can't be together. I do NOT think that. I think you can be together IF you can clear yourself enough to get there. I remember getting the message that... I still needed to release "unnatural energies." And James was helping me with that by being my mirror, showing me those unnatural energies. He did a good job in that regard, and I am thinking it probably did not feel good for him. It was not a happy experience and I know it could not have felt good for him. My heart goes out to him for that reason. I feel sad that we don't know each other anymore or that we have not talked together. I am not perfect either. Sometimes I get so frustrated over the experience that I start to get angry or feel like it is all a "big game." But it was far from a game. Even thinking that really shits all over the diving process and is a huge slap in the face to my twin. I am sure leaving me after he met me and fell hard in love with me did not feel like "one big game." So I try to keep that in mind. Try to stay out of ego.
I try to instead count the blessings I do have right now in my life. I was just offered this huge career change which brings to me also a large increase in my salary. I have been exceedingly blessed in my career here. Things just fell into place as if "someone" helped make it happen for me. Seriously. I am thankful for that. I am grateful for this man David who is in my life right now. He is a huge gift. He adores the shit out of me! It's crazy. He's wonderful and I appreciate him through and through. He brings joy to my life where before I only felt such sorrow over missing James.
Keep in mind something- I still feel sorrow over missing James. My heart still aches. The difference is my heart does not ONLY ache. Where before I ONLY felt sorrow now I have both emotions- I love both of them but I still miss James and that can still make my heart ache. But at the same time I love Dave he loves me too and loving someone wonderful who is in your life really is a great feelings and he brings me joy- so a myriad of emotions exist inside of me at the same time.
But there is one emotions I will not allow to exist inside of me and that is guilt or shame for loving someone else. God knows I love James. God knows how hard I tried. God knows how deeply I ached, longed, hurt and suffered over pining for him. Having someone else wonderful in my life, not being alone all the time, sharing my life with a man who is loving and kind, as loving and kind as I am (and as loving and kind as James was to me) takes the edge off my heartache. And I am thankful because I was hurting so badly.
Dave really loves me. He's already mentioned marriage and would get me a ring but I'm not nearly ready. I need to be able to just take things day by day and enjoy life. Not long ago we were talking after sharing a most wonderful day together (we've been together pretty much every single day since we met at some point or another but we both work so we only have one day we can actually spend the whole day together and it's lovely) and he mentioned marrying me. He said, "We are so perfect together- marry me." He said I am wonderful. I helped him while he was so totally sick after the holidays. I cook for him almost every night. We do kind things for each other. We get along perfectly. I know this too. But I told him I'm not ready. I told him that I am having a hard time because I had no closure with James so it feels like it's still lingering out there and the situation was so unreal. Our love for each other was very real but the separation was never "real." It was eerie and odd and "mirroring." But it never felt like TRUTH. The separation always felt like my fears and "unnatural energies" being mirrored back to me- and none of that is truth. So I feel like... our love never ended despite this time apart, despite how long its been since we talked. I didn't tell Dave ALL of that but part of it. I had not mentioned James for a while, a couple months now. No reason to keep putting him in Dave's face. Dave, well... he said something about James that in the beginning I told him was not truth and I didn't want to hear him say it. I told him that in feeling the way he does about my situation it shows me that he doesn't believe me at all, doesn't believe what I feel the truth is about my experience, and that only a few of my close dear friends understand and believe me- but he does not, and that's hard. I also told him that I believe somehow James "feels" or knows when someone near me thinks badly of him and I don't want that for James. He doesn't deserve it, whether or not Dave believes me. I said I confided in Dave to explain to him what my life is like and how I feel before agreeing to share love with him because I needed to be honest and he accepted that months ago, and I did not appreciate him saying this now. I told him there is a very good reason why I defend James even though he's not here, even though we separated and I expected him to be at least objective about it because I am a strong smart woman and I know my truth.
And I meant all that. I was upset. Not angry just upset. He apologized and said he won't think badly anymore. I still miss James so it was a difficult moment for me. I am not ready to be engaged to anyone else even though I do love Dave, and who knows what the future holds. One day I could be ready but I am not now. I am still only learning how to allow someone to love me fully. I can't help but still love James. I can't help that I still would love to see him again and have some kind of peaceful REAL honest kind loving friendly resolution. My dream of dreams would be to be able to discuss all of this with him for REAL. Not like... how it is. We've never been able to talk about twin souls or openly discuss what we've been through together. I don't mean "hash out" but like... admit to each other "Yes this has been weird and unreal and not normal and it hasn't been nice and I never wanted this to happen because I have always loved you." I don't know if that will ever happen but I wish it could. It would be such a relief to have that discussion. To be able to hug James and know none of this was "normal" or real or truth. Except for our love for each other.
I admitted to Dave that I have a tendency to drink too much. I felt like an asshole admitting it. Like I should be stronger. I am so strong in everything else I do in life. I have overcome so much yet that is the one fucking thing that is so difficult for me to give up entirely. To try and keep it... controllable I just try not to drink "too much." It took a lot for me to tell him though. He was super kind which doesn't surprise me at all. It makes me sad because I feel like if James were in my life and I told him, could speak honestly and freely and normally with him, he'd tell me he understands too, be supportive of me. Caring. I guess it is still challenging because I KNOW James would treat me the same as Dave does, kind, caring, loving, supportive, etc. It is bittersweet and it makes my heart hurt. Maybe not everyone can understand loving two people at the same time. But I do. One I love here in the physical and the other I love in my heart and memories.
So, not surprisingly but still odd- the night Dave and I had this talk about James my "messenger" friend sent me a song via text. Out of the blue but divinely timed like always. I have not heard from this friend in months and all he sent was a song. That's all. "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam.
The last song he sent to me was a few months ago. "Wildflowers" and the song... it's so strange. It spoke to me. And this one does too, even just the title. Just Breathe. And I am trying to do so. I have many blessings in my life and I am thankful for them. I am really working on being loving and focusing on goodness and only what I'd like to see come into my life. But what can be challenging is I still miss James. My love for him hasn't faded away like past people in my life. I heart still aches for him. But I feel like I am meant to be loving and kind to and with this man David. I feel like his love is supposed to be in my life too. So I am trying to take things day by day and "live in the moment" and enjoy my life while having faith that the future holds only increased goodness, love, blessings and abundance.
I hope you are all doing well.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Wow. Many blessings in my life for which I am very thankful. I am now officially the director of my department which is mind blowing to me!! I owe a ton of thanks to my past boss who really mentored the Hell out of me and pushed me while I was struggling. I'm so thankful to him. This is huge for my career!! I'm very excited.
Also I have this new love in my life and he's a sweetheart who cares immensely for me. He treats me how I am made to be treated, with a soft gentle loving affectionate touch. He's a wonderful man and I do love him and care for him.
All that said, I dreamed vividly about James last night. And I rarely dream about him. But last night he was in my dreams and I saw his sweet face. The dream has affected me all day. I miss James so very much and NOTHING changes that fact. Oh my God it is bittersweet. I'm still very much in love with him. Loving someone else doesn't change how much I love James. It makes my life more joyful. Love with a good person brings happiness no matter the circumstance.
My new love knows this. He's missing his beloved wife and trying to deal with it the best he can. My heart goes out to him. I can't imagine how badly he'd be suffering without me here. He ended up very sick after Christmas and is still recovering but I think much of it is emotional. My son and I took him to the ER with chest pain on the 26th and then after being cleared he got a fever which he's still fighting. I've been taking care of him and shudder to think how this would all be if he were alone. It would not be good so I feel like I'm where I'm meant to be for now. But I don't know what to think about the future. It's a very strange experience to love two different men at the same time.
I miss James. I wish I could have my friend back in my life. Not a day goes by where he isn't on my mind or in my heart. No one can ever understand what it's like to fall deeply in love with someone, adore him really, and then he disappear. No matter the reason I'm still not over it. I mourn and grieve James. It still aches. Despite all the wonderful love and blessings in my life missing him still aches.
To all of you loving someone and missing that special person this holiday season my heart goes out to you.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
I don't have much to say so I've been quiet.
It's been since July 2016 that I've had any contact with James. Still I wish I could speak with him again but "for real" this time. A normal conversation. Honest talk like people do.
My life is blessed and good. I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time, and for the first time in forever I will have an actual "merry Christmas." Typically I detest Christmas but this year I am really working on enjoying the holidays and the people I will be spending time with. In the past it was hard to enjoy Christmas when I felt alone while missing someone dear to me. I still miss someone dear to me but I am not alone and honestly it does help; I can't lie and say that it doesn't help. Spending time with someone who is special to me (even if he is not my "twin soul") feels so much nicer than being alone.
That said, James remains on my mind and in my heart but in more of a peaceful manner than before. When I begin to feel frustrated that I want to be in contact with him but am not in contact with him I just try to breathe deeply and be thankful that I have someone in my life I actually can talk to and be friends with and share my life with. I remind myself of my belief that James would speak with me freely if he could. For whatever reason it seems that hasn't been possible and even if I don't totally understand it I am trying to accept it. I am desperately trying to accept the ache to know him again, know him as the friendly kind person he was when I met him. What else can I do?
One thing I don't understand is James would respond to me when I was feeling angry, bitter, scared, resentful, focused on negative stuff, etc. And he'd show me that when I'd hear from him even though all those feelings were private to me meaning James didn't, in real life, know them. It was "not of this world." I accept that. But why is that now I try to focus on goodness and being nice and kind and staying out of anger, being thankful, really working to stay loving and peaceful- and I hear nothing from my "twin soul mirror?" THAT is the part that can unnerve me if I think about it too long. I feel like if this is a twin soul thing, and if twin souls mirror us, then show me the effort I've made in being as tempered and kind as I can. I'm honestly not asking for much. I just want to talk to this person again and know him as the man I met. No matter the outcome.
I've never liked, and never will like, the cut off of communication with James. To love someone so much and know him and be with him and kiss him and make love with him and long to have him back has just been too much for my heart to handle. I remember how he used to smile at me and then gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss. That gentle smile. His soft touch. It still hurts. I don't talk about this because it hurts. I still battle with drinking too much, and I only drink to numb the ache I still feel over missing James.
I don't know. I don't know what to think. I love James and having no resolution or reconciliation is unacceptable to me. I don't understand why. I am not here claiming anything about a future with him. All I ask for is TRUTH. Honesty, no matter what the truth is!
I can no longer focus on dreams with him or a life with him. It does not fit with the life I am living right now. Yes I really had hoped to share the life with him that we talked about back then. I held on to that dream for a long time even if my fears messed it up. Still my heart always wanted to be with James. I'm human. I had fears and negative emotions just like we all do. But MY emotions, MY fears, MY worries and doubts and anger- James may have had to reflect that back to me but I refuse to believe MY shit somehow eradicated HIS love for me! I just don't believe that, and I know he fell in love with me, and I know that nothing "real life" ever happened between us for him to stop loving me. NOTHING. James took a picture of himself holding a sign that said, "I LOVE you Jen!" right before the "quiet" began. It's never been normal, never seemed real. I still cannot get over that. I can't embrace or accept our separation as "normal" when it never was. I don't see this from a normal human perspective, and I won't ever do so. I won't ever see him as a runner or wanting to leave me or staying quiet because he doesn't want to talk to me. I know that is not the truth. I don't hurt because I feel disregarded or ignored. I hurt because I miss this man who meant so much to me, and I'm finding it impossible to forget him or let it all go completely because I need more.
I need some type of closure. Whatever that might be- I need it.
Truly I do work almost daily to reaffirm the blessings in my life. Only here on my blog to I mention this stuff anymore. In my "real life" I practice being thankful and positive and loving. I'm not perfect but I'm staying aware of what I focus on. I don't want to focus on missing someone! Instead I want to focus on enjoying my blessed life. I want to focus on being happy! At the same time I'd really love to be able to meet with James and sit down to talk with him for a while, talk like we used to in the beginning when to me he was just this really sweet adorable friendly smart guy I was "lucky enough" to meet.
I read something the other day. It said twins like myself should write out what this journey has taught us. I can tell you it has taught me a ton. It was useful, yes. I utterly refused to believe that my energy affected my life before I met James. But once the strong mirroring started and kept happening, and then started happening so swiftly until it became almost immediate- that was when I could no longer ignore the fact that it was "cause and effect" happening between us, and I was controlling it. I knew that if I wanted to escape what felt like Hell on earth then I had to no longer allow myself to focus on the things I was focusing on. And viola! Once I was strong and aware enough to stop focusing on what I shouldn't- it all stopped. The stuff that didn't feel good stopped happening. So now, over four years later, I FINALLY have accepted that my energy very much does affect my life, and lately it affects my life pretty quickly so I am trying to keep my energy GOOD.
So yes this journey taught me that manifestation is real and for some of us it is very strong. Knowing James showed me this. I can say that I am thankful to James for going through this with me. I can say that I love HIM. I love my twin soul, and I know I always will. But that is all I can say without being negative. I can appreciate what this has done for me. I can appreciate that had I not had all the shit energy and anger in me then it would not have felt so horrid so really it's all on me. I understand that. I can tell James' higher self that I love James fiercely. Always will. I will always believe that he loved me dearly and he walked away from me when he didn't want to do so and it hurt him to leave. I believe that. I know most people would tell me I'm wrong or delusional but I KNOW my truth, and it hurts! It hurts because we were very sweet and happy together. It was, as he has even said, the start of a real loving beautiful relationship. I still mourn this. I still grieve James- I still love him. I feel like someone I grew hugely attached to just disappeared out of my life, and how does a person EVER come to terms with that, or heal from it? How, really?
*sigh* It helps to have someone loving and good in my life because I do have all of this love and it overwhelms me. But sometimes it does feel like I am giving someone new the love I feel for James, plus love I feel for this new human being in my life. David is easy to love and he's hurting and needs me in his life and it just IS. I don't totally understand it but it's good and loving and necessary. I feel like I was shown to go with it and I am. But that doesn't mean knowing David somehow magically erases how I feel about James. I still love him and miss him and wish I could see him. I wish I could hug James. I wish we could hug each other. I wish I could know my friend again.
I like that- "May love be what you remember most."