Friday, March 9, 2018
"Because I have realized that..no matter where you are or what are you doing or who you are with I will always honestly, truly, completely, love you."
My heart echoes those words.
I still miss you.
I still want to talk to you again.
I still remember the friendly man I met and spent hours talking with. I remember our very first conversation very well actually. You asked me for my phone number and we were texting and then you asked me to call you, and I did. And when I first heard the sound of your sweetly adorable voice I had butterflies the size of dinosaurs rushing around inside me. We talked for so long. You were so intelligent and stimulating to speak with. I fell in love with you then.
I miss you. So much. I miss my friend. You were my friend and I miss my friend.
There are no hard feelings. I am so tired. We... meant a lot to each other and I've never gotten over losing you like I did. So much has healed inside of me but I'll never fully come to terms with how we separated because it was not normal. I am a smart strong woman and I know reality. I know what truth is and I know when two people fall in love as deeply as we did that love doesn't just disappear. It hurts to be torn away from someone you've fallen in love with, someone you've become so attached to. Someone who makes your heart soar and your spirit sing! You did that for me. Every moment I spent with you was beautiful. I looked forward to every word I heard from you, every conversation we shared, every kiss we enjoyed together. I loved being in your arms. I loved hearing your voice. I loved seeing you smile. I loved hearing you knock at my door so I could see you standing there, smiling and adorable.
I fucking miss you so much.
Life is different for both of us I'm sure. But that doesn't mean I don't think about you or remember you or still love you, and I for sure miss you. I miss you even more now as a friend than a lover. You were funny and sweet, and you were so kind and respectful to me. It breaks my heart. I can't get over it. I can't stop loving you. It hits me when I see a bright clear night sky with lots of stars. And who can escape the sky?
My life is happy. Great changes have happened for me. My son is SO wonderful- the most wonderful little boy ever; I'm so blessed. I have tons of love in my life. I love my life, and I am thankful for all that I have. But I still miss you. I can't help it! I wish I could know you again. No matter how happy life is... I still have this ache in my heart for you.
It should be different between us. We should be friends. We should talk.
I hope life is happy for you too. I want only goodness for you.
But I miss you, dearly.
I wish I could see your sweet smiley beautiful face again.
I wish I could hug you.
I wish I could see you smile at me and hear you say hello.
I wish I could feel you wrap your arms around me and hold me.
I wish I could tell you I love you and I always will, no matter what.
I wish I could look into your bright blue eyes and again know the amazingly loving, kind, respectful and gentle friend I met what feels like yesterday but has been too long.
It doesn't matter to me what my life or your life is like right now, like the quote above- I know I will always love you. You are still the only man I want calling me honey.
Monday, February 12, 2018
I've seen this movie twice now and I cried both times! There is just something so touching and sentimental about it! And this song, "Remember Me." People we love will never fade away.
I remember when James left, October 2013- when we'd dated and he was leaving. The last time I saw him before he walked out my door he told me, "It's not goodbye. It's till we see each other again." I can't help it; recalling those words makes me cry. After all that has happened those words make my heart ache.
"Don't cry because it ended. Smile because it happened/" <----- I sure wish I could get to this place. I am having a hard time, privately. I try to keep it myself. I am trying to be "spiritually mature" and just mature in general. I have this wonderful man in my life, David. He is so so sweet. He adores me and is kind, gentle, loving, peaceful, funny, etc. He's just an all-around wonderful person with the biggest most generous heart. He told me he feels we are here on earth to be loving helpful people and he feels he's "love embodied." And he's right- he's very loving and kind. To everyone. He's a dear to my son too. He loves PJ. We spend a lot of time with Dave and we feel like our own unique kind of "family" now.
Don't cry because it ended. Smile because it happened. I feel that is easier for Dave to do because his wife is actually gone. She passed away. He kind of HAS to let go and learn to live again. For me it is harder, and he acknowledges that. James is still out there and we had no real "ending." That's one reason why it is SO SO HARD for me to just "let go and move on."
I need resolution. Reconciliation. Something. Limbo is killing me. I try. Oh how I try to be 100% fully happy and content with what I have now and to "let go" of wanting to hear from James again. I wish I could let go of that desire. It would ease my heart. I would have more inner peace.
So imagine how torn I am. I love Dave. He's been so good to me! I'd never take advantage of his kindness or generosity but seriously- anything I need he'd help me. I am VERY thankful and I tell God every day how blessed I am to know Dave and have him enter into my life.
See, James was very good to me too even though I only knew him for a short time. In those weeks though he showed me that he is very similar to David. James was kind, gentle, patient, loving, funny, friendly and generous to me. He touched me gently. He kissed me gently. He even had a soft gentle way of speaking to me. Him and Dave are quite similar in their energy. So just look how BLESSED I am! I had James, this loving kind soul... and then the next man I actually share love with is similar. A very good person too. I went from "amazing" to "also amazing." Of course I am thankful for that blessing. I really am. Please don't read my words and think I don't know how blessed I am.
The challenging part is I still love James. It is like impossible for me to forget him, not that I should but... it's, it's hard. I am not at peace with our situation. I need some type of closure, and I hate using that word closure because it feels like an ending and I am not necessarily asking for an ending but I need reconciliation. Resolution. Peace. I want to speak to James like we did when we first met. When it was REAL and "normal" and kind. I want to talk to my friend again.
So. A week ago PJ and I spend a lovely Sunday with David. PJ thanked God for Dave as we said thanks at dinner. PJ gave the sweetest blessing. He said, "Dear God, Lord and Jesus- thank you for this great man Dave. He lost his wife and then found us. He has two dogs. I love his dogs and I love him." I was near tears. How sweet and innocent. Dave has been such a blessing to our life. That night I went to sleep feeling more at peace, like hey- if this is going to be my life then I am blessed to go from one good man (James) to another good man (David.) I was thinking... maybe we don't always get what we want. Maybe I can WANT to talk to James again but maybe, just maybe, I am not going to have that opportunity and I should "reconcile" myself to accepting what I have now with open arms while realizing that... my journey with James might be... part of my past. Here for a reason and now done, part of my past that I should love and embrace in my heart forever.
It kills me to even write that but it's what I was thinking. That night I dreamed of James very vividly. I rarely dream of him. At the end of this dream I ended up sitting on my porch and he walked up to me, greeted me and then sat next to me. Before he sat he took my face in his hands and kissed me twice, quickly but with great emotion. In the dream it felt like we had not seen each other in forever, and there was much emotion between us. It seems as if we were going to "talk."
Of course I woke up thinking... WTF!? Why? I woke with him in my heart and mind so closely. It aches! So why be reminded so strongly?
About a week later something else happened (that I am choosing not to repeat here) and all I can say is it confuses me and leaves me torn. Part of me wants to be irritated. I felt kind of annoyed and that night I had a nightmare about David. It was a terrible dream. In it he was actually married, having an affair with me and the woman he was married to found out, was upset, etc. As I was dreaming I was feeling such anxiety and confusion and hurt and guilt, shame. This thought of, "But he's not married..." was seeping into my dream. And then Dave's alarm went off and woke me up. Oddly he'd had a nightmare too.
So weird, and I don't think a coincidence. But why?
I am so confused. I am one who totally feels that I get my dreams from above. I don't feel my nightmare was just some random dream. I feel it was "given" to me and to be honest it scared me because when those things happen I feel it's a "warning" or something. The energy in the dream was SO icky and sad. I'm still confused.
Part of me wonders if I had an "icky" dream because my energy and emotions were kind of frustrated and shitty that night. Not externally but internally and higher self always knows what I'm thinking, feeling, etc. So was the dream just a reflection of my shitty energy? My worry is that the dream was telling me to be more thankful for what I have in my life right now and quit "wanting" more. Like I am being shown to stop wishing for that conversation with James. Then I start to feel guilty for loving two people, for still wanting to hear from James, like I should be strong and "right" enough to let it go.
Another thing is someone left a comment on my blog that said, "Please take care and keep writing." I think that person means "Keep writing the blog" but the timing is poignant because I don't do my personal private journaling as much as I used to. It feels weird sometimes because I still want to affirm my love for James and tell the universe that I KNOW he loves me and is a good person, and I believe we are still meant to meet again. I WANT to write that! It is MY HEART to write that!
But then I feel like a total hypocrite! And now I want to cry! Part of me wonders if that blog comment was left for me as a reminder to keep doing my writing because I don't as much as I used to. I feel that internal conflict though.
I don't want to feel guilty. Even if I reach out to James myself from time to time I don't want to feel shame in doing so. When I met Dave I was totally honest with him about what I was going through. There is unfinished business between me and James. My heart still aches even if I love someone else too. I can't control that.
Lastly I have this little "poking" thought that tells me no matter what happens or how I feel or the frustration I can feel over having no "closure" and wanting a resolution- I am tasked with staying as LOVING AND KIND in my energy as possible. Not fall prey to feeling shitty inside.
Welcome to being "more than human." I live a life where I do not feel I have the luxury of having internal shit fits. I can't let myself feel angry or overly irritated. If anything I let myself cry when it aches. When I miss him. Missing James out of still loving him is better than getting angry with frustration. Maybe I don't have exactly what I wanted but I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I DO have.
I don't have what I wanted though. I can't say that I do, and that's the hard part to admit. Full honesty. Dave is great. He is so far from me "settling." Dave is a wonderful man. But he's not James. I wanted James so much. I've loved him, and I still do.
I don't know how to let go. There is still this lump in my throat when I remember James touching my face and kissing me. I can't turn on my old laptop because the videos of us kissing are on there and I know I'll see them and they will make me fall apart. I CANNOT watch him touching my face with his lovely hands. I can't hear his cute adorably goofy giggle. I can't watch us kissing passionately, so in love. SO IN LOVE. It would kill me inside. One of those videos we were laying in my bed after making love. He asked to record us kissing. I am so in love with him as he kisses me. Helplessly in love. Fully in love. Madly. Deeply.
It still hurts. I am thankful. I really am. I deserve to have love in my life right now, and I do and I am very grateful. But even writing this out- makes my chest hurt.
I feel it's been a necessary experience in learning to let someone love me and treat me well. It's been about six months that I've known Dave and only now can I accept something like him paying for my sidewalk to be shoveled without feeling uncomfortable like I should be doing it myself, taking care of myself. I believe it when he looks at me and tells me how lucky he is, that I am so beautiful, that he's super lucky to have me, etc. I have no doubts. I believe his heartfelt sentiment.
I just wish I had done the same thing with James when he told me those same things, and I know he meant them. And he wanted me to believe them- he somehow knew if I did not then things would have to change between us, and I believe in my heart he did not want things to change at all. He loves me and wanted me in his life. It hurts so so much to know I could not fully believe him. I wish I could go back- I wish I could go back and thank God every day for having James in my life. I wish I would have been able to push any fear and doubt out and just enjoyed James and his love for me.
I wish I would have believed.
My life truly is blessed, and I am thankful. I am. But my GOD I still ache. I miss James so much. I do wonder if I'll hear from him or see him again. I can't help but hope so. My intuition tells me to be very watchful and aware of my energy, thoughts, intentions, etc. For some reason I feel like I'm being guided to truly be as loving, peaceful, kind, and gentle in my energy as possible. Warned against backsliding into "hubris." Count my blessings. Focus on gratitude.
One question I wish I had the answer to though. While I am counting my blessings and being grateful, thanking God for all the goodness in my life, is it okay for my heart to still ache? Does having gratitude mean I am not supposed to feel the loss of this person in my life who I still love so much? Or can I feel both? Gratitude and a private personal sorrow at the same time?
I wish I knew this.
I wish I had some clarity.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Life is interesting. Ten years ago when I applied for this job and was hired I would never have imagined I'd be the director of my department- and here I am. And to think some years ago I had such doubts and fears and I went through such a long intense dark night of the soul all while trying to keep my head above water here at work.
Life works in mysterious ways. I did falter. I had to take some "Family Medical Leave Act" time off from my job after this twin soul thing started, after separation happened. I thought I was going to die from the pain, and it was not pretty. I don't even like to think back to that time because it hurt so badly. I barely managed to keep it together at work and now I honestly feel only because I am divinely guided and watched over did I manage to get through all of it.
These last five years have changed me dramatically. I have learned so much about myself since meeting James and going through the twin soul experience of being mirrored by another human being, a human being I love with all of my heart. I grew stronger and learned I was supposed to think highly of myself instead of always doubting myself. I learned I am not a victim. I was shown that I must let go of any animosity concerning my past and the people in it and instead focus on love, loving experiences, and forgiving people. Including myself. I was shown to not let people push me around or allow them to make me feel badly about myself. I learned how to stand up for myself but in a diplomatic way and not with a shitty attitude or bitterness.
Some of what I learned doesn't always feel good nor is it easy to apply to human life, not always. Sometimes I still don't fully understand. I don't have contact with James at all. I wish I did! I wish I knew him. I wish I knew James again and he could be the friendly sweet funny kind intelligent aware man I met. I ache to know that man again.
For anyone new who finds my blog I hope you understand one thing, and I need to write a post that is all about this one idea- no I am not with my twin at this time. Yes I am with someone else, a different loving caring man. I did not plan for that to happen. I did not "ask" for it in the sense of feeling like I wanted to meet someone else. I honestly wanted James, and at the time I met this man I was being very militantly "faithful" to my twin, turning down other men, etc. Somehow I was lead to this man I know now, David, and I feel good with him. I feel like it is okay. I feel like I was shown that it's okay.
I feel like maybe I could have been with my twin, maybe? The opportunity was there and I just could not get there. I know what I focused on that kept us apart. I know the things I spoke into reality. I know what I manifested incorrectly that caused us to not be together now. Even though I tried so hard.
It is understandable that so many "twin flame" connections are NOT in union! Nearly every single twin experience I hear about is full of blame, ego, etc. The women are blaming the men. They cannot see the mirroring aspect at all. They cannot see it from a higher perspective. And as long as the female energy is blaming the male energy, focusing on what they don't want more of, then the female energy (typically the female twin) will continue to repel the male energy (typically the male twin) and everyone will stay apart.
I tried. I really did. I don't want people to think from reading my blog that I "gave up" or now feel that twins are not meant to be together or can't be together. I do NOT think that. I think you can be together IF you can clear yourself enough to get there. I remember getting the message that... I still needed to release "unnatural energies." And James was helping me with that by being my mirror, showing me those unnatural energies. He did a good job in that regard, and I am thinking it probably did not feel good for him. It was not a happy experience and I know it could not have felt good for him. My heart goes out to him for that reason. I feel sad that we don't know each other anymore or that we have not talked together. I am not perfect either. Sometimes I get so frustrated over the experience that I start to get angry or feel like it is all a "big game." But it was far from a game. Even thinking that really shits all over the diving process and is a huge slap in the face to my twin. I am sure leaving me after he met me and fell hard in love with me did not feel like "one big game." So I try to keep that in mind. Try to stay out of ego.
I try to instead count the blessings I do have right now in my life. I was just offered this huge career change which brings to me also a large increase in my salary. I have been exceedingly blessed in my career here. Things just fell into place as if "someone" helped make it happen for me. Seriously. I am thankful for that. I am grateful for this man David who is in my life right now. He is a huge gift. He adores the shit out of me! It's crazy. He's wonderful and I appreciate him through and through. He brings joy to my life where before I only felt such sorrow over missing James.
Keep in mind something- I still feel sorrow over missing James. My heart still aches. The difference is my heart does not ONLY ache. Where before I ONLY felt sorrow now I have both emotions- I love both of them but I still miss James and that can still make my heart ache. But at the same time I love Dave he loves me too and loving someone wonderful who is in your life really is a great feelings and he brings me joy- so a myriad of emotions exist inside of me at the same time.
But there is one emotions I will not allow to exist inside of me and that is guilt or shame for loving someone else. God knows I love James. God knows how hard I tried. God knows how deeply I ached, longed, hurt and suffered over pining for him. Having someone else wonderful in my life, not being alone all the time, sharing my life with a man who is loving and kind, as loving and kind as I am (and as loving and kind as James was to me) takes the edge off my heartache. And I am thankful because I was hurting so badly.
Dave really loves me. He's already mentioned marriage and would get me a ring but I'm not nearly ready. I need to be able to just take things day by day and enjoy life. Not long ago we were talking after sharing a most wonderful day together (we've been together pretty much every single day since we met at some point or another but we both work so we only have one day we can actually spend the whole day together and it's lovely) and he mentioned marrying me. He said, "We are so perfect together- marry me." He said I am wonderful. I helped him while he was so totally sick after the holidays. I cook for him almost every night. We do kind things for each other. We get along perfectly. I know this too. But I told him I'm not ready. I told him that I am having a hard time because I had no closure with James so it feels like it's still lingering out there and the situation was so unreal. Our love for each other was very real but the separation was never "real." It was eerie and odd and "mirroring." But it never felt like TRUTH. The separation always felt like my fears and "unnatural energies" being mirrored back to me- and none of that is truth. So I feel like... our love never ended despite this time apart, despite how long its been since we talked. I didn't tell Dave ALL of that but part of it. I had not mentioned James for a while, a couple months now. No reason to keep putting him in Dave's face. Dave, well... he said something about James that in the beginning I told him was not truth and I didn't want to hear him say it. I told him that in feeling the way he does about my situation it shows me that he doesn't believe me at all, doesn't believe what I feel the truth is about my experience, and that only a few of my close dear friends understand and believe me- but he does not, and that's hard. I also told him that I believe somehow James "feels" or knows when someone near me thinks badly of him and I don't want that for James. He doesn't deserve it, whether or not Dave believes me. I said I confided in Dave to explain to him what my life is like and how I feel before agreeing to share love with him because I needed to be honest and he accepted that months ago, and I did not appreciate him saying this now. I told him there is a very good reason why I defend James even though he's not here, even though we separated and I expected him to be at least objective about it because I am a strong smart woman and I know my truth.
And I meant all that. I was upset. Not angry just upset. He apologized and said he won't think badly anymore. I still miss James so it was a difficult moment for me. I am not ready to be engaged to anyone else even though I do love Dave, and who knows what the future holds. One day I could be ready but I am not now. I am still only learning how to allow someone to love me fully. I can't help but still love James. I can't help that I still would love to see him again and have some kind of peaceful REAL honest kind loving friendly resolution. My dream of dreams would be to be able to discuss all of this with him for REAL. Not like... how it is. We've never been able to talk about twin souls or openly discuss what we've been through together. I don't mean "hash out" but like... admit to each other "Yes this has been weird and unreal and not normal and it hasn't been nice and I never wanted this to happen because I have always loved you." I don't know if that will ever happen but I wish it could. It would be such a relief to have that discussion. To be able to hug James and know none of this was "normal" or real or truth. Except for our love for each other.
I admitted to Dave that I have a tendency to drink too much. I felt like an asshole admitting it. Like I should be stronger. I am so strong in everything else I do in life. I have overcome so much yet that is the one fucking thing that is so difficult for me to give up entirely. To try and keep it... controllable I just try not to drink "too much." It took a lot for me to tell him though. He was super kind which doesn't surprise me at all. It makes me sad because I feel like if James were in my life and I told him, could speak honestly and freely and normally with him, he'd tell me he understands too, be supportive of me. Caring. I guess it is still challenging because I KNOW James would treat me the same as Dave does, kind, caring, loving, supportive, etc. It is bittersweet and it makes my heart hurt. Maybe not everyone can understand loving two people at the same time. But I do. One I love here in the physical and the other I love in my heart and memories.
So, not surprisingly but still odd- the night Dave and I had this talk about James my "messenger" friend sent me a song via text. Out of the blue but divinely timed like always. I have not heard from this friend in months and all he sent was a song. That's all. "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam.
The last song he sent to me was a few months ago. "Wildflowers" and the song... it's so strange. It spoke to me. And this one does too, even just the title. Just Breathe. And I am trying to do so. I have many blessings in my life and I am thankful for them. I am really working on being loving and focusing on goodness and only what I'd like to see come into my life. But what can be challenging is I still miss James. My love for him hasn't faded away like past people in my life. I heart still aches for him. But I feel like I am meant to be loving and kind to and with this man David. I feel like his love is supposed to be in my life too. So I am trying to take things day by day and "live in the moment" and enjoy my life while having faith that the future holds only increased goodness, love, blessings and abundance.
I hope you are all doing well.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Wow. Many blessings in my life for which I am very thankful. I am now officially the director of my department which is mind blowing to me!! I owe a ton of thanks to my past boss who really mentored the Hell out of me and pushed me while I was struggling. I'm so thankful to him. This is huge for my career!! I'm very excited.
Also I have this new love in my life and he's a sweetheart who cares immensely for me. He treats me how I am made to be treated, with a soft gentle loving affectionate touch. He's a wonderful man and I do love him and care for him.
All that said, I dreamed vividly about James last night. And I rarely dream about him. But last night he was in my dreams and I saw his sweet face. The dream has affected me all day. I miss James so very much and NOTHING changes that fact. Oh my God it is bittersweet. I'm still very much in love with him. Loving someone else doesn't change how much I love James. It makes my life more joyful. Love with a good person brings happiness no matter the circumstance.
My new love knows this. He's missing his beloved wife and trying to deal with it the best he can. My heart goes out to him. I can't imagine how badly he'd be suffering without me here. He ended up very sick after Christmas and is still recovering but I think much of it is emotional. My son and I took him to the ER with chest pain on the 26th and then after being cleared he got a fever which he's still fighting. I've been taking care of him and shudder to think how this would all be if he were alone. It would not be good so I feel like I'm where I'm meant to be for now. But I don't know what to think about the future. It's a very strange experience to love two different men at the same time.
I miss James. I wish I could have my friend back in my life. Not a day goes by where he isn't on my mind or in my heart. No one can ever understand what it's like to fall deeply in love with someone, adore him really, and then he disappear. No matter the reason I'm still not over it. I mourn and grieve James. It still aches. Despite all the wonderful love and blessings in my life missing him still aches.
To all of you loving someone and missing that special person this holiday season my heart goes out to you.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
I don't have much to say so I've been quiet.
It's been since July 2016 that I've had any contact with James. Still I wish I could speak with him again but "for real" this time. A normal conversation. Honest talk like people do.
My life is blessed and good. I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time, and for the first time in forever I will have an actual "merry Christmas." Typically I detest Christmas but this year I am really working on enjoying the holidays and the people I will be spending time with. In the past it was hard to enjoy Christmas when I felt alone while missing someone dear to me. I still miss someone dear to me but I am not alone and honestly it does help; I can't lie and say that it doesn't help. Spending time with someone who is special to me (even if he is not my "twin soul") feels so much nicer than being alone.
That said, James remains on my mind and in my heart but in more of a peaceful manner than before. When I begin to feel frustrated that I want to be in contact with him but am not in contact with him I just try to breathe deeply and be thankful that I have someone in my life I actually can talk to and be friends with and share my life with. I remind myself of my belief that James would speak with me freely if he could. For whatever reason it seems that hasn't been possible and even if I don't totally understand it I am trying to accept it. I am desperately trying to accept the ache to know him again, know him as the friendly kind person he was when I met him. What else can I do?
One thing I don't understand is James would respond to me when I was feeling angry, bitter, scared, resentful, focused on negative stuff, etc. And he'd show me that when I'd hear from him even though all those feelings were private to me meaning James didn't, in real life, know them. It was "not of this world." I accept that. But why is that now I try to focus on goodness and being nice and kind and staying out of anger, being thankful, really working to stay loving and peaceful- and I hear nothing from my "twin soul mirror?" THAT is the part that can unnerve me if I think about it too long. I feel like if this is a twin soul thing, and if twin souls mirror us, then show me the effort I've made in being as tempered and kind as I can. I'm honestly not asking for much. I just want to talk to this person again and know him as the man I met. No matter the outcome.
I've never liked, and never will like, the cut off of communication with James. To love someone so much and know him and be with him and kiss him and make love with him and long to have him back has just been too much for my heart to handle. I remember how he used to smile at me and then gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss. That gentle smile. His soft touch. It still hurts. I don't talk about this because it hurts. I still battle with drinking too much, and I only drink to numb the ache I still feel over missing James.
I don't know. I don't know what to think. I love James and having no resolution or reconciliation is unacceptable to me. I don't understand why. I am not here claiming anything about a future with him. All I ask for is TRUTH. Honesty, no matter what the truth is!
I can no longer focus on dreams with him or a life with him. It does not fit with the life I am living right now. Yes I really had hoped to share the life with him that we talked about back then. I held on to that dream for a long time even if my fears messed it up. Still my heart always wanted to be with James. I'm human. I had fears and negative emotions just like we all do. But MY emotions, MY fears, MY worries and doubts and anger- James may have had to reflect that back to me but I refuse to believe MY shit somehow eradicated HIS love for me! I just don't believe that, and I know he fell in love with me, and I know that nothing "real life" ever happened between us for him to stop loving me. NOTHING. James took a picture of himself holding a sign that said, "I LOVE you Jen!" right before the "quiet" began. It's never been normal, never seemed real. I still cannot get over that. I can't embrace or accept our separation as "normal" when it never was. I don't see this from a normal human perspective, and I won't ever do so. I won't ever see him as a runner or wanting to leave me or staying quiet because he doesn't want to talk to me. I know that is not the truth. I don't hurt because I feel disregarded or ignored. I hurt because I miss this man who meant so much to me, and I'm finding it impossible to forget him or let it all go completely because I need more.
I need some type of closure. Whatever that might be- I need it.
Truly I do work almost daily to reaffirm the blessings in my life. Only here on my blog to I mention this stuff anymore. In my "real life" I practice being thankful and positive and loving. I'm not perfect but I'm staying aware of what I focus on. I don't want to focus on missing someone! Instead I want to focus on enjoying my blessed life. I want to focus on being happy! At the same time I'd really love to be able to meet with James and sit down to talk with him for a while, talk like we used to in the beginning when to me he was just this really sweet adorable friendly smart guy I was "lucky enough" to meet.
I read something the other day. It said twins like myself should write out what this journey has taught us. I can tell you it has taught me a ton. It was useful, yes. I utterly refused to believe that my energy affected my life before I met James. But once the strong mirroring started and kept happening, and then started happening so swiftly until it became almost immediate- that was when I could no longer ignore the fact that it was "cause and effect" happening between us, and I was controlling it. I knew that if I wanted to escape what felt like Hell on earth then I had to no longer allow myself to focus on the things I was focusing on. And viola! Once I was strong and aware enough to stop focusing on what I shouldn't- it all stopped. The stuff that didn't feel good stopped happening. So now, over four years later, I FINALLY have accepted that my energy very much does affect my life, and lately it affects my life pretty quickly so I am trying to keep my energy GOOD.
So yes this journey taught me that manifestation is real and for some of us it is very strong. Knowing James showed me this. I can say that I am thankful to James for going through this with me. I can say that I love HIM. I love my twin soul, and I know I always will. But that is all I can say without being negative. I can appreciate what this has done for me. I can appreciate that had I not had all the shit energy and anger in me then it would not have felt so horrid so really it's all on me. I understand that. I can tell James' higher self that I love James fiercely. Always will. I will always believe that he loved me dearly and he walked away from me when he didn't want to do so and it hurt him to leave. I believe that. I know most people would tell me I'm wrong or delusional but I KNOW my truth, and it hurts! It hurts because we were very sweet and happy together. It was, as he has even said, the start of a real loving beautiful relationship. I still mourn this. I still grieve James- I still love him. I feel like someone I grew hugely attached to just disappeared out of my life, and how does a person EVER come to terms with that, or heal from it? How, really?
*sigh* It helps to have someone loving and good in my life because I do have all of this love and it overwhelms me. But sometimes it does feel like I am giving someone new the love I feel for James, plus love I feel for this new human being in my life. David is easy to love and he's hurting and needs me in his life and it just IS. I don't totally understand it but it's good and loving and necessary. I feel like I was shown to go with it and I am. But that doesn't mean knowing David somehow magically erases how I feel about James. I still love him and miss him and wish I could see him. I wish I could hug James. I wish we could hug each other. I wish I could know my friend again.
I like that- "May love be what you remember most."
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
My love for James is not something I really talk about anymore. Especially when my "real life" is so different right now. I'm pretty quiet about it. Only those closest to me know what I am feeling side, loving two different people- one who I have not seen or talked to in a long time and one who is here in my reality.
My feelings are hard to explain, and since I don't talk about them much it's nice to write it out here. I saw an article today about twin flames. I did not go searching for it but it popped into my FB feed so I read it. It is about finding love again after separating from your twin flame. This is the part that hit me hard: "Yes, the connection and chemistry with a twin flame is a once in a lifetime experience, but that doesn’t exclude that there may be another love waiting to manifest."
My connection and chemistry with James was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It was giddy and super exciting and I was on a constant high while knowing him. I will never love that way again.
Also today I saw a video about grieving. It was actually a very sad video and it hurt my heart because I know this new man in my life will love, miss and grieve his wife for a long time. But the presenter said something about grief that made an impact on me. She says "Grief is love that has nowhere to go." And how true is that? David knows huge grief after losing his beloved wife. But you know what? I've known grief too even though no one dear to me died.
It has been so difficult to love James with all of my heart, to feel all of that love boiling inside of me, and having nowhere to put that love. No one to give it to since he's not here! DO YOU KNOW HOW TORMENTING IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE THAT MUCH, TO HAVE NO ENDING, NO RESOLUTION, AND TO FEEL ALL THAT LOVE BUT NOT HAVE THE PERSON YOU LOVE IN YOUR LIFE? In your reality? It sucks. It hurt SO much. It made me insane half the time. It drove me bat shit crazy. That pain that came from longing to wrap my arms around James and love him, show him the love I have for him, was just too much to handle. Had there been some closure, and ending that was REAL, then I could have moved on and accepting things much better. I could have healed from the connection. I could controlled those intense emotions more- but there was NO ENDING. No. There just wasn't. Only limbo. That last phone call he made to me when he knew I was suffering. There was the message telling me that YES I was right, that he did always love me and loved me still... and I was like- I KNEW IT. I knew all along that he's loved me.
And honestly that is kind of a Hell in and of itself, to know that but still not be able to get and closer! I wanted to be CLOSE to James! I wanted him IN my life! OH MY GOD- torture.
Grief is love that has nowhere to go.
I was trying so hard this past summer. I'd told myself I was going to be militantly single and determined to be faithful in thought, word and deed to my twin soul. I honestly had every intention of being the absolute best twin soul partner possible. I was trying. But it was not easy. I did not want to write anymore. I felt burned out and sad and lonely. I felt so much stronger and "healed" and unafraid and... dare I say ready for love? I felt like I was emotionally healthy and ready for love in my life after four years of being totally single. And I didn't understand or like the fact that I heard nothing from my twin. No contact whatsoever. It was so totally frustrating and painful because all I wanted was to lay down beside him and hug him and kiss all the crud away and be close and good to each other. Or at least a beer together to talk and laugh again. But instead there was NOTHING, and I am NOT STRONG ENOUGH! I am not strong enough to go through an entire year of no contact at all and not be in pain or miss him or be aching to hear from him- I am HUMAN. I want a human normal loving relationship with James. I wanted him here in my arms- I was so fucking tired of being alone and lonely, and YES I wanted him, and only him.
Instead I met Dave. And he's so sweet. He loves me SO MUCH- I am blessed to know him and have him in my life. I can't help it- I have an outlet for love. I have a sweet kind loving person to hug and hold and give my love to, and it takes the edge off my ache. Because I honestly do love David. If I did not then this would not work with him but for some reason we were meant to meet and be together- and I don't know what to do with this continued love and ache I feel for James inside.
It isn't fair. I still hurt even while being blessed with huge love. I still yearn for him. I still pray for resolution. When James left the first time he said, "It's not goodbye. It's until we see each other again." None of this feels real or normal. And while I do love Dave and appreciate him, and by God after four years of pain and aching and crazy I am going to fully ENJOY every single second I have with such an angel of a human being. I am going to enjoy being loved by him, and I am going to enjoy showering him with my strong beautiful healing love.
But that does not mean I don't miss James. I miss him every day. I miss him right now. When I am alone (or not around Dave) it's hard not to think about James. Believe me there are times when I am with Dave and he says something similar to James and inside I sigh. I love two men at the same time, in different ways, in different places, and I still miss my twin soul. We had strong chemistry and connection. It was... intense and fun and lovely and youthful and so so beautiful, genuine and pure. Giddy- I felt giddy with James and about James and I know I won't even feel that way about another man, ever. The love I feel for David is deep and warm but not giddy. Not like it was with James.
I guess it's just going to be that way. "I'll Never Love That Way Again" is right. I can love again, and I am, but it won't ever be the same. I counted the minutes until he would be in my presence again. I lost time with him. The butterflies were huge. I felt like I was in high school again, and I know he did too. I miss that sweet love and connection with him. I miss HIM. I miss James. I miss that person. I miss my friend- and loving his "spirit" or memory was just not enough for me to take away the deep pain I felt.
I believe that if he is not here in my life then the way my life is right now is what is meant to be because it was too hurtful being alone any longer, even though I SO totally was not looking for anyone. I will always know in my heart that meeting David was on "accident" and I did not go looking for a man as a reaction to something else, to some hurt or feeling frustrated. I can honestly say I was telling the universe, and other men, that I was in love with someone else so I was not looking to date anyone new. I tried that with David too even though for some reason he felt more right than anyone else I'd met since James. But I did tell Dave. I told him I could not kiss him because there was someone I love, who I'd loved for four years, who I'd been hoping for for four years. I think that made Dave love me more even though it wasn't my point. Dave told me he wanted to love me anyway even if I still love someone else, even if I wasn't willing to let go or "move on" and even if I wasn't going to make him any promises of a future. I wanted him to love me- I wanted to allow him to love me so I have. And it is beautiful even if he is not my twin soul. I look forward to actually enjoying the holiday season for the first time in a long time. These last Christmases have been Hellish for me, and this year I just want to be happy. I love myself enough that I want to be happy, please. I just want to be happy and not hurt so so deeply anymore.
I let Dave love me like he asked me to. I deserve that. I deserve to enjoy my right now. I deserve to enjoy life instead of enduring it, and I was only enduring it before while being totally alone and missing James so deeply, with no other love in my life. Life is hard to enjoy when you have very little happiness besides all the things you really work to be thankful for, like my friends and my child. But I cannot kiss deeply or make love... unless it's a loving partner, and I missed that love. I wanted it to be James, so badly. But what do you do when no matter how much you try, you text from time to time, you pray, you ache and wish and want yet it doesn't happen- no matter how fucking bad you want it and wish for it, or how deeply you LOVE? God I still want it to be James. I love him and miss him. But I also know that David needs healing and needs me in his life and here I am.
Because yes- grief is feeling huge love and having no one to give that love to, not in the way you ache to give it. David feels that way about his wife. All that love and she is gone. But here I am, and I am happy to be the recipient of his love. It is a sweet love. Listen, not being hugged or touched for four years was okay for a while but I was beginning to yearn for intimacy. Not sex but intimacy. Connection. Deep conversations. Laughing together. Kissing and hugging and touching. I am a loving person, and yes it was Hell feeling all that huge love but not having the object of my affection in my life at all. I'd try writing it out. In my journal telling him how much I still love him. How much I wanted him in my life. And then in real life working hard to control my human nature- telling myself "I love James- I'm going to do this, stay alone, love only him..." You have no idea how committed I was to this.
I do still love him. I have a ton of love for him. I am sorry for all the shitty thoughts and feelings I used to throw his way by way of my mind and energy and emotions; we are extremely "telepathic" so it makes me shudder to think about how terrible some of that must have felt to him, my anger energy and my doubts and all my fears concerning him. I feel terrible for all that. I wish I could have avoided doing it. I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I could have kept James with me, in my life. I wish we would have been together for the last four years, married with a family of our own. I really wish that was the case. I still wish to hear from him again. I can't help that, no matter who or what is in my life.
I love two different men. Didn't expect it. Doing my best to balance how I feel and not freak out. I care deeply for David. I don't know how to think about the future. Instead I try to be thankful for today, enjoy today while being as loving and kind in my energy as I can be about both Dave and James. Even though James is not here and we have not had communication- it is still important to me to love him, send him loving thoughts, and I am not selfless enough to "give up" wanting to hear from him again. Wanting truth. Desiring to hold him and have him hold me, hugging. I miss him. I can't stop it. It won't go away.
This has become a very solitary journey for me. David knows clearly how I feel about James but I try to have respect for Dave's heart too. So I don't post the songs on FB like I used to, my little shout outs to my twin. I guess I'll have to do that here. This is still my blog (after all this time!) recording my feelings about my twin soul and this journey, no matter how things are right now.
Just know that me spending time with a different man, sharing my love with someone else, has nothing to do with anger or resentment towards my twin soul. It is not a "Well if he's not going to choose to be with me then why wait for him?" type of situation. Not at all. I believe James has really loved me. He fell hard in love with me, and that love never ended. We did not have an ending. Nothing happened to end us. It was... twin soul separation. But in my heart I believe he loves me and cares about me. I just wish that he could reach out to me, say hello, and talk to me FOR REAL. The James I met and knew, loving, kind, caring, understanding, concerned, friendly, funny, gentle and empathetic. Empathy.
Merry Christmas, darling. I can dream and in my dreams I'm with you. I wish it every day.
Friday, December 1, 2017
I had a hard night last night, couldn't sleep hardly at all. James has been on my mind a lot these last few days. I really miss him. It still seems so unreal, all of this. I mean knowing him and falling in love and being close and intimate and so loving to each other and then he was just gone and I've never come to terms with the absence of him in my life.
Don't get me wrong. I BELIEVE this man is, strange as it is, my twin soul "mirror" even if he doesn't realize it. I don't know if he realizes it. We've never talked about it although he clearly knows what I believe. I've never really cared if he believes it or not because I know what my experience has been. I know that I can have a thought and he answers my thought via email, immediately. I know I've spoken about him and just as soon as the words have passed through my lips *ping* he's emailed me and totally "reflected" back to me whatever I've just said about him. I went through YEARS of that until finally it hurt so fucking bad that I forced myself to STOP TALKING.
It is clear to me that James "was used" to show me stuff inside of myself that I needed to get rid of. This is speculation on my part based on repeated experiences but I can tell you that I was clearly told I was being shown I needed to continue working on "releasing unnatural energies." I was told James was showing me this, and the only thing I can think is those unnatural energies were anger and fear. I've been very very angry throughout this experience- evidence of that is here splattered around my past blog posts.
I'm working so so so hard to stay kind and loving in my energy, always. I know I have to. I just have to. I focused on the wrong things and my twin left my life. The only way I can explain it is maybe I had the opportunity to "fix" it or right it and I couldn't do it, never got all the way there. God knows I tried. And God knows that through it all I've always loved James, no matter what. I've loved him and missed him and ached for him until the pain of longing to see him and hear his voice and kiss him and be held in his arms made me want to die. Life was so unhappy for me, and the unhappiness came from missing this man I love so much. Missing him when I fell asleep at night. Missing him when I woke in the morning, and missing him so much throughout the day that I'd cry constantly. No human being is meant to live like that.
James is precious to me whether he's in my life or not- but I still love him and miss him. And I need resolution. I need TRUTH. I want love energy reflected back to me from my twin. I want to experience his sweet kind loving gentle friendly funny personable caring personality again. I want to hug him and feel safe in his arms, knowing full well he is the same tender considerate empathetic man I met four years ago and quickly fell in love with.
None of this has been what people thing of as "real life" and to this day it still frustrates me but I don't like focusing on the frustration because it leads to anger. I yearn to talk to James again. I ache to see his face and hear his sweet voice talking kindly to me. I desire to be intimate with him again. I want "real" and honest and truth so bad from him and with him but to want those things and want them and continue to want them but then hear nothing- it doesn't feel good. All I can do is accept it and deal as best I can. But it still makes me cry. I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss the man I know he is...
I am tempted to have regret. I fully 100% believe James has shown me those "unnatural energies" and been a mirror of my fears so I could see them so very clearly that I HAD to let them go and begin believing other things, good things. But that knowledge doesn't help the fact that I had an ANGEL in my life, everything I had ever asked for or dreamed of, and then due to ME- he was gone. It is hard to live with. I can't really even think about it. I still battle with drinking too much because it still hurts to know I had James with me in my life, my sweet boyfriend, laughing and giggling and sighing and kissing and loving and holding hands and making love, and it was such a beautiful love and a GIFT and I had that- I had him as MINE, my love, FINALLY the man I'd dreamed of.
And he turned out to be this strong mirror of mine when all I really wanted was a sweet boyfriend.
Yes I am thankful to him for helping me. Only James, only him- he, I swear to God, is the only person on earth who could have affected me so strongly that I stuck this out and was determined to SEE myself in what he'd send back to me. Because I love him so much. He made such an impact on me but I can't see any other person or experience actually being so important to me that it would force me to change and elevate and become way more aware of myself, my thoughts, my emotions, what I allow myself to talk about or think about or dwell on. I would have to say James did what no one else or nothing else could have done for me, not even some "spirit" talking to me, James made me finally BELIEVE that I truly have this ability to manifest my reality. Knowing him totally forced me to finally cave and believe it- because I saw it through him as my mirror. It was inescapable.
What I don't know is what now? What am I meant to be doing as it pertains to my "union?" I feel confused right now about this journey specifically related to James. I'll admit that it's easier to not focus on him much these days. It hurts less. It's "easier" to just live and be happy and not... feel that tugging at my heart. The "what if?" And, OH MY GOD, knowing that we talked about getting married, having a baby, being a family together, and I still want that so much with him- it hurts, deeply. It hurts to want something so badly, something you feel you were meant for, something you... un-manifested. It hurts. So much.
I still miss him. I have not forgotten how good he was to me. It would be easy to forget, really. It would be easy to let it fade away now. Put it in a box and pack it away, out of sight. To take what I have learned from all of this and "move on." Be very aware of my energy and focus, do my affirmations to create a wonderful life and keep my blessings fully in mind while disregarding anything I don't want more of in my life while also no longer thinking of my twin. It would be easy to simply enjoy the love I have in my life, have fun, be as happy as I can be, and not THINK anymore about "union" with my twin soul. I will always be a twin soul. I will always have "twin soul" energy and the strong twin soul ability to manifest fast and hard. And I will always speak highly of James and hold him dear to my heart- but... I, this is so hard to explain, I don't want to GIVE UP ON US. I don't want to stop thinking. I just don't want to.
I feel like if I put a smile on my face and enjoy the blessings in my life while "letting go" of James or the desire to have my dreams with him come true one day then I am giving up, and it hurts to consider it. The man in my life right now, I do love him and care about him but he is not James! I feel I'm with this man for a reason, and I can't even reconcile in my mind how things would work out in the end- all I know is I love this new man and want to help him through his grief and pain. I care for him so much. But I also love James, that love where if I heard from him it would make my heart sing. It is different. James is still "the one" I want as my future, my dream come true.
I can't help that, and I don't want to give up on my dreams. So I don't know what to do. I remember how sweet and wonderful it was to be his girlfriend. How easy it was to talk with him and laugh with him. He was kind to me and kind to my child. He was so patient with me. Loving! Gentle. Inspiriting. Exciting. We kissed for hours and hours, and seriously that was so special to me. I've never had another relationship like that where a grown ass man, a hot sexy passionate man, was content to sit with me in his arms making out like teen agers for hours and hours night after night, and he looked forward to it. He was happy to be that close to me, happy to be in my presence and he didn't need more from me. He loved me that much. He was so patient and sweet, and it still hurts so much to know I had that GIFT of a man in my life, and instead of being thankful every day I worried it (quite literally) until it disappeared from my life.
I mourn James. I am blessed to have love and light and friendship and huge gifts in my life right now. I really am blessed. I know this and I am so thankful... but my God I miss my James still, and I can't help that. I just wish I could have him in front of me like I did when we met, open and honest and sweet and personable and funny and kind so we could talk, openly with no judgment, only caring and unconditional love.
I miss my friend. I ache for my friend. My heart still aches.
I am well-matched with the sweet man who is in my life right now. He grieves his wife, aches for her daily, and despite loving me and having me as a light and joy in his life he still is sad because he misses his wife. It's similar for me. Not the same I know, believe me I know. But I miss James and I think of him and miss him so much. My heart aches too. Love takes the edge off, brings me a happiness I didn't know when I was alone. But that does not take away my loving ache for James, or my sadness because he isn't in my life when I want to know him again so much.
Focusing on love seems safe right now, and I want to keep James' memory close to me still. I can only hope that I am "doing this right" because for once in my life I am really trying to listen and be respectful to whatever is guiding me. Daily I remind myself to speak ONLY good of others, not allow myself to get sucked into drama or bullshit, do my affirmations, journal still, and be loving in my thoughts and actions. I really don't know what else to do or how to live.
I feel sad today though. I really miss my friend.