Saturday, December 30, 2017
Wow. Many blessings in my life for which I am very thankful. I am now officially the director of my department which is mind blowing to me!! I owe a ton of thanks to my past boss who really mentored the Hell out of me and pushed me while I was struggling. I'm so thankful to him. This is huge for my career!! I'm very excited.
Also I have this new love in my life and he's a sweetheart who cares immensely for me. He treats me how I am made to be treated, with a soft gentle loving affectionate touch. He's a wonderful man and I do love him and care for him.
All that said, I dreamed vividly about James last night. And I rarely dream about him. But last night he was in my dreams and I saw his sweet face. The dream has affected me all day. I miss James so very much and NOTHING changes that fact. Oh my God it is bittersweet. I'm still very much in love with him. Loving someone else doesn't change how much I love James. It makes my life more joyful. Love with a good person brings happiness no matter the circumstance.
My new love knows this. He's missing his beloved wife and trying to deal with it the best he can. My heart goes out to him. I can't imagine how badly he'd be suffering without me here. He ended up very sick after Christmas and is still recovering but I think much of it is emotional. My son and I took him to the ER with chest pain on the 26th and then after being cleared he got a fever which he's still fighting. I've been taking care of him and shudder to think how this would all be if he were alone. It would not be good so I feel like I'm where I'm meant to be for now. But I don't know what to think about the future. It's a very strange experience to love two different men at the same time.
I miss James. I wish I could have my friend back in my life. Not a day goes by where he isn't on my mind or in my heart. No one can ever understand what it's like to fall deeply in love with someone, adore him really, and then he disappear. No matter the reason I'm still not over it. I mourn and grieve James. It still aches. Despite all the wonderful love and blessings in my life missing him still aches.
To all of you loving someone and missing that special person this holiday season my heart goes out to you.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
I don't have much to say so I've been quiet.
It's been since July 2016 that I've had any contact with James. Still I wish I could speak with him again but "for real" this time. A normal conversation. Honest talk like people do.
My life is blessed and good. I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time, and for the first time in forever I will have an actual "merry Christmas." Typically I detest Christmas but this year I am really working on enjoying the holidays and the people I will be spending time with. In the past it was hard to enjoy Christmas when I felt alone while missing someone dear to me. I still miss someone dear to me but I am not alone and honestly it does help; I can't lie and say that it doesn't help. Spending time with someone who is special to me (even if he is not my "twin soul") feels so much nicer than being alone.
That said, James remains on my mind and in my heart but in more of a peaceful manner than before. When I begin to feel frustrated that I want to be in contact with him but am not in contact with him I just try to breathe deeply and be thankful that I have someone in my life I actually can talk to and be friends with and share my life with. I remind myself of my belief that James would speak with me freely if he could. For whatever reason it seems that hasn't been possible and even if I don't totally understand it I am trying to accept it. I am desperately trying to accept the ache to know him again, know him as the friendly kind person he was when I met him. What else can I do?
One thing I don't understand is James would respond to me when I was feeling angry, bitter, scared, resentful, focused on negative stuff, etc. And he'd show me that when I'd hear from him even though all those feelings were private to me meaning James didn't, in real life, know them. It was "not of this world." I accept that. But why is that now I try to focus on goodness and being nice and kind and staying out of anger, being thankful, really working to stay loving and peaceful- and I hear nothing from my "twin soul mirror?" THAT is the part that can unnerve me if I think about it too long. I feel like if this is a twin soul thing, and if twin souls mirror us, then show me the effort I've made in being as tempered and kind as I can. I'm honestly not asking for much. I just want to talk to this person again and know him as the man I met. No matter the outcome.
I've never liked, and never will like, the cut off of communication with James. To love someone so much and know him and be with him and kiss him and make love with him and long to have him back has just been too much for my heart to handle. I remember how he used to smile at me and then gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss. That gentle smile. His soft touch. It still hurts. I don't talk about this because it hurts. I still battle with drinking too much, and I only drink to numb the ache I still feel over missing James.
I don't know. I don't know what to think. I love James and having no resolution or reconciliation is unacceptable to me. I don't understand why. I am not here claiming anything about a future with him. All I ask for is TRUTH. Honesty, no matter what the truth is!
I can no longer focus on dreams with him or a life with him. It does not fit with the life I am living right now. Yes I really had hoped to share the life with him that we talked about back then. I held on to that dream for a long time even if my fears messed it up. Still my heart always wanted to be with James. I'm human. I had fears and negative emotions just like we all do. But MY emotions, MY fears, MY worries and doubts and anger- James may have had to reflect that back to me but I refuse to believe MY shit somehow eradicated HIS love for me! I just don't believe that, and I know he fell in love with me, and I know that nothing "real life" ever happened between us for him to stop loving me. NOTHING. James took a picture of himself holding a sign that said, "I LOVE you Jen!" right before the "quiet" began. It's never been normal, never seemed real. I still cannot get over that. I can't embrace or accept our separation as "normal" when it never was. I don't see this from a normal human perspective, and I won't ever do so. I won't ever see him as a runner or wanting to leave me or staying quiet because he doesn't want to talk to me. I know that is not the truth. I don't hurt because I feel disregarded or ignored. I hurt because I miss this man who meant so much to me, and I'm finding it impossible to forget him or let it all go completely because I need more.
I need some type of closure. Whatever that might be- I need it.
Truly I do work almost daily to reaffirm the blessings in my life. Only here on my blog to I mention this stuff anymore. In my "real life" I practice being thankful and positive and loving. I'm not perfect but I'm staying aware of what I focus on. I don't want to focus on missing someone! Instead I want to focus on enjoying my blessed life. I want to focus on being happy! At the same time I'd really love to be able to meet with James and sit down to talk with him for a while, talk like we used to in the beginning when to me he was just this really sweet adorable friendly smart guy I was "lucky enough" to meet.
I read something the other day. It said twins like myself should write out what this journey has taught us. I can tell you it has taught me a ton. It was useful, yes. I utterly refused to believe that my energy affected my life before I met James. But once the strong mirroring started and kept happening, and then started happening so swiftly until it became almost immediate- that was when I could no longer ignore the fact that it was "cause and effect" happening between us, and I was controlling it. I knew that if I wanted to escape what felt like Hell on earth then I had to no longer allow myself to focus on the things I was focusing on. And viola! Once I was strong and aware enough to stop focusing on what I shouldn't- it all stopped. The stuff that didn't feel good stopped happening. So now, over four years later, I FINALLY have accepted that my energy very much does affect my life, and lately it affects my life pretty quickly so I am trying to keep my energy GOOD.
So yes this journey taught me that manifestation is real and for some of us it is very strong. Knowing James showed me this. I can say that I am thankful to James for going through this with me. I can say that I love HIM. I love my twin soul, and I know I always will. But that is all I can say without being negative. I can appreciate what this has done for me. I can appreciate that had I not had all the shit energy and anger in me then it would not have felt so horrid so really it's all on me. I understand that. I can tell James' higher self that I love James fiercely. Always will. I will always believe that he loved me dearly and he walked away from me when he didn't want to do so and it hurt him to leave. I believe that. I know most people would tell me I'm wrong or delusional but I KNOW my truth, and it hurts! It hurts because we were very sweet and happy together. It was, as he has even said, the start of a real loving beautiful relationship. I still mourn this. I still grieve James- I still love him. I feel like someone I grew hugely attached to just disappeared out of my life, and how does a person EVER come to terms with that, or heal from it? How, really?
*sigh* It helps to have someone loving and good in my life because I do have all of this love and it overwhelms me. But sometimes it does feel like I am giving someone new the love I feel for James, plus love I feel for this new human being in my life. David is easy to love and he's hurting and needs me in his life and it just IS. I don't totally understand it but it's good and loving and necessary. I feel like I was shown to go with it and I am. But that doesn't mean knowing David somehow magically erases how I feel about James. I still love him and miss him and wish I could see him. I wish I could hug James. I wish we could hug each other. I wish I could know my friend again.
I like that- "May love be what you remember most."
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
My love for James is not something I really talk about anymore. Especially when my "real life" is so different right now. I'm pretty quiet about it. Only those closest to me know what I am feeling side, loving two different people- one who I have not seen or talked to in a long time and one who is here in my reality.
My feelings are hard to explain, and since I don't talk about them much it's nice to write it out here. I saw an article today about twin flames. I did not go searching for it but it popped into my FB feed so I read it. It is about finding love again after separating from your twin flame. This is the part that hit me hard: "Yes, the connection and chemistry with a twin flame is a once in a lifetime experience, but that doesn’t exclude that there may be another love waiting to manifest."
My connection and chemistry with James was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It was giddy and super exciting and I was on a constant high while knowing him. I will never love that way again.
Also today I saw a video about grieving. It was actually a very sad video and it hurt my heart because I know this new man in my life will love, miss and grieve his wife for a long time. But the presenter said something about grief that made an impact on me. She says "Grief is love that has nowhere to go." And how true is that? David knows huge grief after losing his beloved wife. But you know what? I've known grief too even though no one dear to me died.
It has been so difficult to love James with all of my heart, to feel all of that love boiling inside of me, and having nowhere to put that love. No one to give it to since he's not here! DO YOU KNOW HOW TORMENTING IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE THAT MUCH, TO HAVE NO ENDING, NO RESOLUTION, AND TO FEEL ALL THAT LOVE BUT NOT HAVE THE PERSON YOU LOVE IN YOUR LIFE? In your reality? It sucks. It hurt SO much. It made me insane half the time. It drove me bat shit crazy. That pain that came from longing to wrap my arms around James and love him, show him the love I have for him, was just too much to handle. Had there been some closure, and ending that was REAL, then I could have moved on and accepting things much better. I could have healed from the connection. I could controlled those intense emotions more- but there was NO ENDING. No. There just wasn't. Only limbo. That last phone call he made to me when he knew I was suffering. There was the message telling me that YES I was right, that he did always love me and loved me still... and I was like- I KNEW IT. I knew all along that he's loved me.
And honestly that is kind of a Hell in and of itself, to know that but still not be able to get and closer! I wanted to be CLOSE to James! I wanted him IN my life! OH MY GOD- torture.
Grief is love that has nowhere to go.
I was trying so hard this past summer. I'd told myself I was going to be militantly single and determined to be faithful in thought, word and deed to my twin soul. I honestly had every intention of being the absolute best twin soul partner possible. I was trying. But it was not easy. I did not want to write anymore. I felt burned out and sad and lonely. I felt so much stronger and "healed" and unafraid and... dare I say ready for love? I felt like I was emotionally healthy and ready for love in my life after four years of being totally single. And I didn't understand or like the fact that I heard nothing from my twin. No contact whatsoever. It was so totally frustrating and painful because all I wanted was to lay down beside him and hug him and kiss all the crud away and be close and good to each other. Or at least a beer together to talk and laugh again. But instead there was NOTHING, and I am NOT STRONG ENOUGH! I am not strong enough to go through an entire year of no contact at all and not be in pain or miss him or be aching to hear from him- I am HUMAN. I want a human normal loving relationship with James. I wanted him here in my arms- I was so fucking tired of being alone and lonely, and YES I wanted him, and only him.
Instead I met Dave. And he's so sweet. He loves me SO MUCH- I am blessed to know him and have him in my life. I can't help it- I have an outlet for love. I have a sweet kind loving person to hug and hold and give my love to, and it takes the edge off my ache. Because I honestly do love David. If I did not then this would not work with him but for some reason we were meant to meet and be together- and I don't know what to do with this continued love and ache I feel for James inside.
It isn't fair. I still hurt even while being blessed with huge love. I still yearn for him. I still pray for resolution. When James left the first time he said, "It's not goodbye. It's until we see each other again." None of this feels real or normal. And while I do love Dave and appreciate him, and by God after four years of pain and aching and crazy I am going to fully ENJOY every single second I have with such an angel of a human being. I am going to enjoy being loved by him, and I am going to enjoy showering him with my strong beautiful healing love.
But that does not mean I don't miss James. I miss him every day. I miss him right now. When I am alone (or not around Dave) it's hard not to think about James. Believe me there are times when I am with Dave and he says something similar to James and inside I sigh. I love two men at the same time, in different ways, in different places, and I still miss my twin soul. We had strong chemistry and connection. It was... intense and fun and lovely and youthful and so so beautiful, genuine and pure. Giddy- I felt giddy with James and about James and I know I won't even feel that way about another man, ever. The love I feel for David is deep and warm but not giddy. Not like it was with James.
I guess it's just going to be that way. "I'll Never Love That Way Again" is right. I can love again, and I am, but it won't ever be the same. I counted the minutes until he would be in my presence again. I lost time with him. The butterflies were huge. I felt like I was in high school again, and I know he did too. I miss that sweet love and connection with him. I miss HIM. I miss James. I miss that person. I miss my friend- and loving his "spirit" or memory was just not enough for me to take away the deep pain I felt.
I believe that if he is not here in my life then the way my life is right now is what is meant to be because it was too hurtful being alone any longer, even though I SO totally was not looking for anyone. I will always know in my heart that meeting David was on "accident" and I did not go looking for a man as a reaction to something else, to some hurt or feeling frustrated. I can honestly say I was telling the universe, and other men, that I was in love with someone else so I was not looking to date anyone new. I tried that with David too even though for some reason he felt more right than anyone else I'd met since James. But I did tell Dave. I told him I could not kiss him because there was someone I love, who I'd loved for four years, who I'd been hoping for for four years. I think that made Dave love me more even though it wasn't my point. Dave told me he wanted to love me anyway even if I still love someone else, even if I wasn't willing to let go or "move on" and even if I wasn't going to make him any promises of a future. I wanted him to love me- I wanted to allow him to love me so I have. And it is beautiful even if he is not my twin soul. I look forward to actually enjoying the holiday season for the first time in a long time. These last Christmases have been Hellish for me, and this year I just want to be happy. I love myself enough that I want to be happy, please. I just want to be happy and not hurt so so deeply anymore.
I let Dave love me like he asked me to. I deserve that. I deserve to enjoy my right now. I deserve to enjoy life instead of enduring it, and I was only enduring it before while being totally alone and missing James so deeply, with no other love in my life. Life is hard to enjoy when you have very little happiness besides all the things you really work to be thankful for, like my friends and my child. But I cannot kiss deeply or make love... unless it's a loving partner, and I missed that love. I wanted it to be James, so badly. But what do you do when no matter how much you try, you text from time to time, you pray, you ache and wish and want yet it doesn't happen- no matter how fucking bad you want it and wish for it, or how deeply you LOVE? God I still want it to be James. I love him and miss him. But I also know that David needs healing and needs me in his life and here I am.
Because yes- grief is feeling huge love and having no one to give that love to, not in the way you ache to give it. David feels that way about his wife. All that love and she is gone. But here I am, and I am happy to be the recipient of his love. It is a sweet love. Listen, not being hugged or touched for four years was okay for a while but I was beginning to yearn for intimacy. Not sex but intimacy. Connection. Deep conversations. Laughing together. Kissing and hugging and touching. I am a loving person, and yes it was Hell feeling all that huge love but not having the object of my affection in my life at all. I'd try writing it out. In my journal telling him how much I still love him. How much I wanted him in my life. And then in real life working hard to control my human nature- telling myself "I love James- I'm going to do this, stay alone, love only him..." You have no idea how committed I was to this.
I do still love him. I have a ton of love for him. I am sorry for all the shitty thoughts and feelings I used to throw his way by way of my mind and energy and emotions; we are extremely "telepathic" so it makes me shudder to think about how terrible some of that must have felt to him, my anger energy and my doubts and all my fears concerning him. I feel terrible for all that. I wish I could have avoided doing it. I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I could have kept James with me, in my life. I wish we would have been together for the last four years, married with a family of our own. I really wish that was the case. I still wish to hear from him again. I can't help that, no matter who or what is in my life.
I love two different men. Didn't expect it. Doing my best to balance how I feel and not freak out. I care deeply for David. I don't know how to think about the future. Instead I try to be thankful for today, enjoy today while being as loving and kind in my energy as I can be about both Dave and James. Even though James is not here and we have not had communication- it is still important to me to love him, send him loving thoughts, and I am not selfless enough to "give up" wanting to hear from him again. Wanting truth. Desiring to hold him and have him hold me, hugging. I miss him. I can't stop it. It won't go away.
This has become a very solitary journey for me. David knows clearly how I feel about James but I try to have respect for Dave's heart too. So I don't post the songs on FB like I used to, my little shout outs to my twin. I guess I'll have to do that here. This is still my blog (after all this time!) recording my feelings about my twin soul and this journey, no matter how things are right now.
Just know that me spending time with a different man, sharing my love with someone else, has nothing to do with anger or resentment towards my twin soul. It is not a "Well if he's not going to choose to be with me then why wait for him?" type of situation. Not at all. I believe James has really loved me. He fell hard in love with me, and that love never ended. We did not have an ending. Nothing happened to end us. It was... twin soul separation. But in my heart I believe he loves me and cares about me. I just wish that he could reach out to me, say hello, and talk to me FOR REAL. The James I met and knew, loving, kind, caring, understanding, concerned, friendly, funny, gentle and empathetic. Empathy.
Merry Christmas, darling. I can dream and in my dreams I'm with you. I wish it every day.
Friday, December 1, 2017
I had a hard night last night, couldn't sleep hardly at all. James has been on my mind a lot these last few days. I really miss him. It still seems so unreal, all of this. I mean knowing him and falling in love and being close and intimate and so loving to each other and then he was just gone and I've never come to terms with the absence of him in my life.
Don't get me wrong. I BELIEVE this man is, strange as it is, my twin soul "mirror" even if he doesn't realize it. I don't know if he realizes it. We've never talked about it although he clearly knows what I believe. I've never really cared if he believes it or not because I know what my experience has been. I know that I can have a thought and he answers my thought via email, immediately. I know I've spoken about him and just as soon as the words have passed through my lips *ping* he's emailed me and totally "reflected" back to me whatever I've just said about him. I went through YEARS of that until finally it hurt so fucking bad that I forced myself to STOP TALKING.
It is clear to me that James "was used" to show me stuff inside of myself that I needed to get rid of. This is speculation on my part based on repeated experiences but I can tell you that I was clearly told I was being shown I needed to continue working on "releasing unnatural energies." I was told James was showing me this, and the only thing I can think is those unnatural energies were anger and fear. I've been very very angry throughout this experience- evidence of that is here splattered around my past blog posts.
I'm working so so so hard to stay kind and loving in my energy, always. I know I have to. I just have to. I focused on the wrong things and my twin left my life. The only way I can explain it is maybe I had the opportunity to "fix" it or right it and I couldn't do it, never got all the way there. God knows I tried. And God knows that through it all I've always loved James, no matter what. I've loved him and missed him and ached for him until the pain of longing to see him and hear his voice and kiss him and be held in his arms made me want to die. Life was so unhappy for me, and the unhappiness came from missing this man I love so much. Missing him when I fell asleep at night. Missing him when I woke in the morning, and missing him so much throughout the day that I'd cry constantly. No human being is meant to live like that.
James is precious to me whether he's in my life or not- but I still love him and miss him. And I need resolution. I need TRUTH. I want love energy reflected back to me from my twin. I want to experience his sweet kind loving gentle friendly funny personable caring personality again. I want to hug him and feel safe in his arms, knowing full well he is the same tender considerate empathetic man I met four years ago and quickly fell in love with.
None of this has been what people thing of as "real life" and to this day it still frustrates me but I don't like focusing on the frustration because it leads to anger. I yearn to talk to James again. I ache to see his face and hear his sweet voice talking kindly to me. I desire to be intimate with him again. I want "real" and honest and truth so bad from him and with him but to want those things and want them and continue to want them but then hear nothing- it doesn't feel good. All I can do is accept it and deal as best I can. But it still makes me cry. I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss the man I know he is...
I am tempted to have regret. I fully 100% believe James has shown me those "unnatural energies" and been a mirror of my fears so I could see them so very clearly that I HAD to let them go and begin believing other things, good things. But that knowledge doesn't help the fact that I had an ANGEL in my life, everything I had ever asked for or dreamed of, and then due to ME- he was gone. It is hard to live with. I can't really even think about it. I still battle with drinking too much because it still hurts to know I had James with me in my life, my sweet boyfriend, laughing and giggling and sighing and kissing and loving and holding hands and making love, and it was such a beautiful love and a GIFT and I had that- I had him as MINE, my love, FINALLY the man I'd dreamed of.
And he turned out to be this strong mirror of mine when all I really wanted was a sweet boyfriend.
Yes I am thankful to him for helping me. Only James, only him- he, I swear to God, is the only person on earth who could have affected me so strongly that I stuck this out and was determined to SEE myself in what he'd send back to me. Because I love him so much. He made such an impact on me but I can't see any other person or experience actually being so important to me that it would force me to change and elevate and become way more aware of myself, my thoughts, my emotions, what I allow myself to talk about or think about or dwell on. I would have to say James did what no one else or nothing else could have done for me, not even some "spirit" talking to me, James made me finally BELIEVE that I truly have this ability to manifest my reality. Knowing him totally forced me to finally cave and believe it- because I saw it through him as my mirror. It was inescapable.
What I don't know is what now? What am I meant to be doing as it pertains to my "union?" I feel confused right now about this journey specifically related to James. I'll admit that it's easier to not focus on him much these days. It hurts less. It's "easier" to just live and be happy and not... feel that tugging at my heart. The "what if?" And, OH MY GOD, knowing that we talked about getting married, having a baby, being a family together, and I still want that so much with him- it hurts, deeply. It hurts to want something so badly, something you feel you were meant for, something you... un-manifested. It hurts. So much.
I still miss him. I have not forgotten how good he was to me. It would be easy to forget, really. It would be easy to let it fade away now. Put it in a box and pack it away, out of sight. To take what I have learned from all of this and "move on." Be very aware of my energy and focus, do my affirmations to create a wonderful life and keep my blessings fully in mind while disregarding anything I don't want more of in my life while also no longer thinking of my twin. It would be easy to simply enjoy the love I have in my life, have fun, be as happy as I can be, and not THINK anymore about "union" with my twin soul. I will always be a twin soul. I will always have "twin soul" energy and the strong twin soul ability to manifest fast and hard. And I will always speak highly of James and hold him dear to my heart- but... I, this is so hard to explain, I don't want to GIVE UP ON US. I don't want to stop thinking. I just don't want to.
I feel like if I put a smile on my face and enjoy the blessings in my life while "letting go" of James or the desire to have my dreams with him come true one day then I am giving up, and it hurts to consider it. The man in my life right now, I do love him and care about him but he is not James! I feel I'm with this man for a reason, and I can't even reconcile in my mind how things would work out in the end- all I know is I love this new man and want to help him through his grief and pain. I care for him so much. But I also love James, that love where if I heard from him it would make my heart sing. It is different. James is still "the one" I want as my future, my dream come true.
I can't help that, and I don't want to give up on my dreams. So I don't know what to do. I remember how sweet and wonderful it was to be his girlfriend. How easy it was to talk with him and laugh with him. He was kind to me and kind to my child. He was so patient with me. Loving! Gentle. Inspiriting. Exciting. We kissed for hours and hours, and seriously that was so special to me. I've never had another relationship like that where a grown ass man, a hot sexy passionate man, was content to sit with me in his arms making out like teen agers for hours and hours night after night, and he looked forward to it. He was happy to be that close to me, happy to be in my presence and he didn't need more from me. He loved me that much. He was so patient and sweet, and it still hurts so much to know I had that GIFT of a man in my life, and instead of being thankful every day I worried it (quite literally) until it disappeared from my life.
I mourn James. I am blessed to have love and light and friendship and huge gifts in my life right now. I really am blessed. I know this and I am so thankful... but my God I miss my James still, and I can't help that. I just wish I could have him in front of me like I did when we met, open and honest and sweet and personable and funny and kind so we could talk, openly with no judgment, only caring and unconditional love.
I miss my friend. I ache for my friend. My heart still aches.
I am well-matched with the sweet man who is in my life right now. He grieves his wife, aches for her daily, and despite loving me and having me as a light and joy in his life he still is sad because he misses his wife. It's similar for me. Not the same I know, believe me I know. But I miss James and I think of him and miss him so much. My heart aches too. Love takes the edge off, brings me a happiness I didn't know when I was alone. But that does not take away my loving ache for James, or my sadness because he isn't in my life when I want to know him again so much.
Focusing on love seems safe right now, and I want to keep James' memory close to me still. I can only hope that I am "doing this right" because for once in my life I am really trying to listen and be respectful to whatever is guiding me. Daily I remind myself to speak ONLY good of others, not allow myself to get sucked into drama or bullshit, do my affirmations, journal still, and be loving in my thoughts and actions. I really don't know what else to do or how to live.
I feel sad today though. I really miss my friend.
Monday, November 27, 2017
I saw this meme today and it made me stop and think about the past, where I've been and the woman I am today. Not so long ago, five or six years, I hated myself. Secretly. I was not even fully aware that I didn't think I was loveable. I knew that I LOVED hard. I felt like I was overall a pretty good person to others but still something on the inside told me that I was not worthy of being loved, that I was not loveable, not valuable.
This was not a conscious thought until my "guidance" started talking to me and working with me and trying to heal me from all that deeply-seated, far-ingrained bullshit. I was a bit of a Pollyanna. People normally saw me as friendly and "sweet." Why I felt so bad inside, well, I guess it is something many of us go through. Reality is I was a very nice person.
Lots inside of me right now. I have not updated because I don't have much to say. This started out as a twin soul blog, and it still is, but it's different now. I spent four years being MILITANT about this journey. I still adore James. I wish I could speak with him, talk to him, be "real life" with him again. I can barely believe August 2013 even happened, getting to know him, falling in love, meeting him, kissing him, being his girlfriend, sharing hopes and dreams, making love, being intimate, getting super duper attached, enjoying him fully, loving him deeply. Holding hands and touching and kissing every moment we were together; he made me laugh.
I had the time of my life with James. I've never ever gotten over it- I don't want to.
I ache inside today though. This meme stirred something up inside of me. Before I met James... I'd made some really shitty choices, and for a brief moment in time I was unconsciously (I didn't realize what I was doing) putting myself into scary situations, being the opposite of the woman I'd been for so long, having sex with people who didn't care about me, people I didn't know, stupid hurtful shit and it was getting worse. I think I must have wanted to hurt myself, or felt I needed to be... someone totally not "me" so I pushed myself and acted out and then later, after it was over, I'd cry and feel like... how? Why? Why did I do that? I'd go back to feeling like the regular "good" Jennifer who would normally be kind of shy and standoffish but I'd be mortified about what I did in my more "manic" shadow moments. Those were not good times. My heart goes out to people, women, who are stuck in that place for longer than I was because it was dark, lonely and icky. It was scary and sad and undeserved.
My heart weeps for that woman. I wish I could go back to her, back then, and hug her and tell her to love herself enough to stop. Maybe I did. Maybe it's like that movie "Interstellar" where our guidance is actually us in the future reaching back to help our past selves with the knowledge we've gained from being farther ahead. Maybe that is my "Higher Self." Whatever it is- it did try so hard to help me. It tried. I was terrified but it tried, and I know I was a hard case. FEAR. So much fear, and much of that was a secret fear that *I* was actually a "bad" person hiding behind a sweet exterior. I felt like... I was so so so imperfect. And why did I always fall in love so hard? Why was I so passionate? Why was I forgetful? Why do I battle with the bottle? Why is my house not perfect? Why doesn't my husband love me the way a husband should love a wife? What did I do? Where did I go wrong?
I'll do better. I'll do better. I would sit at my dining room table "talking" with my guidance and it would tell me that God loves me and I would cry and say NO- God couldn't possibly love me! Lies!
OH MY GOD it hurts me so much to know many many people are going through these same feelings, these LIES we have programmed into ourselves! It was SO FUCKING HARD to get through all of that. I nearly died, a few times. I am so surprised I didn't get myself killed- but I look back and know I was protected. "They" did everything they could, or "it" could, to help me, help keep me here, help me LOVE MYSELF and know my worth.
I ache today because of James, this certain aspect of him and our relationship- the purity and sweetness of it. Before I met him I LONGED to know the "old Jennifer" again. The woman who didn't know how to kiss her first boyfriend, who was a virgin long after others had had sex, who CHERISHED physical love as something to be lovingly shared between two people who deeply cared for each other. Shy at first. Reserved (but loving and friendly and warm) and not terribly flirty; a bit awkward. Didn't have a boyfriend in high school. Didn't go to prom (wasn't asked.)
James told me he would have asked me to prom. He asked for a photo of me in high school and after seeing it he told me how beautiful I was then, and now, and he said had he known me back then he would have taken me to prom. *sigh*
I was so ready to stop the crazed exhausted false SHIT in my life. I ached for something real. I wanted to be PURE and clean again. I wanted my innocence back. I was tired of the online dating routine and men asking for naked photos and pushing myself to be someone I was not because I felt I had to in order to keep someone's attention, or be "interesting."
Going to the doctor to get tested to make sure I was "clean and healthy" was... a really good wake up call me for me but I knew going forward if I wanted to be with anyone else, in a good loving relationship, that I had to, to be responsible. So I did and was fine and after that I thanked God above and told God- okay, that's done. And I am DONE.
I am done. Done done done with that crazed bullshit. I knew what I wanted. I asked for "him" over and over again, listing all the beautiful loving pure bright shining qualities I knew I wanted in my "one and only" true love. And I wanted him to be my friend, and I wanted it to be real and... slow. Gentle.
I needed healing.
I slowed down. I did not do anymore dumb shit after that. I'd had a close call that showed me how far I'd let myself sink and it scared me and I wanted OUT. Maybe I started loving myself then because I wanted to be careful with myself. I wanted to cherish me- something shifted a bit. I was so tired of pretending. I missed ME. So I stopped all the texting with the sillies out there, stopped online dating, stayed home. I became brighter.
Then I met James. *sob* And he was everything I asked for, all that I needed, so loving, kind, gentle, patient and GOOD. He was so patient with me! So sweet and caring and good. It makes me ache. I miss him so much. He is super cute, and I of course found him immensely attractive, but for some reason I could not do more than kiss him. For a while. Most other people would have made love but we kissed. And kissed. And held hands and nuzzled noses and embraced and smiled at each other and kissed some more. We talked for hours, text all day, emailed... hundreds of fun exciting messages getting to know each other, celebrating in finding each other- it was BEAUTIFUL and the most wonderful time of my life. I LOVED getting to know him! He was perfect to me.
And his patience. He let me be pure. He allowed me my "innocence" wordlessly. I did not have to ask him to wait. He never urged me. There was no hinting, no trying to take my clothes off, no "lust." It was loving attraction, kissing... lots and lots of sweet kissing. Heaven. I had Heaven on earth when I had him in my life.
But I still had lots inside of me. Some of it, I'm sure, is still there and I try to be really conscious of my thoughts, my energy, my intention, etc. My WORDS. What I speak into existence. What I write into existence. With James though, I guess he turned out the be "the one." The one who became all the things I worried about, feared, doubted, etc. My twin soul? I didn't know that though. I only knew that I totally completely adored him, and we matched PERFECTLY. Everything about him interested me, excited me. He is so intelligent. His science and love of the universe. His Atheist and free thinking. His wit. His beautiful blue eyes. His sweetheart words, cute things he'd say, and the fact that he told me, wrote to me and showed me over and over... "I love you Jennifer!"
Heartbreaking. I will forever love him. I will never ever be able to let go of him in my heart, no matter what. Nope, not many people can understand but they were not with him. I was. I experienced his huge strong sweet endearing love. I did. And I've never gotten over it.
I miss James. I miss him so much.
I had moments during our separation where that... shadow side popped up. Where for a moment I felt, what's the word, self-destructive. I still fight with the urge to drink but at least now if I do drink it normally does not bring out my "demons" like before. I don't get mad, pissy or looking to do something manic and impulsive like flirting with some guy at a bar. Even though some temptations came up- I still managed to stay totally single, alone, often isolated like a hermit, days and weeks and months spent sobbing, keening, purging, begging, hurting so badly and deeply for different reasons. At first it hurt because I was scared he left me and forgot me, and feeling disregarded really hurts (although I now understand none of that is true, at all- so that pain no longer exists.) Now, now I only cry because I miss him and I have no idea when I'll hear from him or see him again. I miss my friend. I've missed him for a long time. My heart aches for him; I long to know James again. We went through so much together and I want to HUG him so much! I want to hug him and hold him and tell him it is okay, that I love him so much and always will. That he is special to me no matter what role he plays in my life, or what his life is like right now. I just love him, and I really really ache to share honestly with James. Truth. Love. Love, at the least, meaning... looking into each others eyes and hugging and knowing- "I love you. You are special to me. I will always hold you dear and close to my heart, no matter where you are."
James has done a lot for me as my twin soul- but one huge thing he did for me as my sweet loving kind boyfriend was he respected me, respected my body and cherished my heart and mind. He loved my mind and how I think, and my heart. How I love. I know James loves how I love. Loved and loves now. But he was so careful with me. He went out of his way to let me know that he loved me for so many reasons, and he was attracted to me but he'd wait for me to be ready to make love because he loved me for so many other reasons. ANGEL. OMG. I won't ever forget that. EVER. He let me be innocent again. He showed me how to be Jennifer again. He showed me real love and when we finally, kinda shyly, made love it was sweet and I trusted him fully. I knew he was faithful and good and he was invested in me, and I could feel safe with him.
He was such a dear to me. It breaks me up inside. I am SO FUCKING THANKFUL that I did not ruin that! There are, of course, reasons why I am thankful to have met James. Even though this experience has been Hellishly painful- it did what it was supposed to, maybe still is- I dunno. I've learned a lot about myself, how to love myself. It's showed me that I really do need to control my emotions and be loving because I get back what I put out, often fast and hard. Having James as my mirror made that an inescapable reality. It was either learn how to control my thoughts, my emotions, my fears and what I focus on- or stay trapped in Hell.
I saw something else today, a huge truth of my life, "You change for two reasons. Either you learn enough that you want to or you've hurt enough that you have to." For me I think it has been "hurt enough that I have to," and I am still working on it every day. Asking to stay tempered, kind, loving. Working at it. I try. I am a work in progress. I've come a long way.
But I miss my twin soul, my friend. No one can understand, not really. To have met someone so wonderful, fell in love, shared time, intimacy, dreams, hopes... talked about having a child together! It is KILLING me inside. A baby. I want our baby- our family, him. I still want him. I miss him so much. See, there was no "ending" so the unfinished business... last time I saw him we made love, a year and a half ago. We kissed and talked and made love. That was real. It feels like part of my heart is gone, even though I still love. I live. I want to enjoy my life, no matter what. But I love James and miss him, and yes- his love is like a shadow on me all the time. His memory. We were so perfect for each other. James told me that he had hoped and wished for me, and then he met me. He said that in me he found the perfect woman for him, the woman he would choose to have a child with. He said we'd make love and create a wonderful child together and "raise it with all of our love." He said he wanted to be a good step-daddy to my son... he was nice to my son, kind. Sweet- so endearing. I wanted all of that so much. I never ever meant to "send it away." I loved him, and I still do. I love that he held me and kissed me and held me for weeks and that was enough for him, just being close and kissy and loving with me; I'll ALWAYS love him for giving me that sweet gift- no other man has ever been that way with me since I was 18 years old. James made me feel young and innocent and shy and wonderful again, a true blessing to know you are loved not for what you can give a person but simply for who you are.
My situation now might sound contradictory or hypocritical although it is not. I do love someone else, too. Someone in my here and now, and not to sound cliche but yes he is my soul mate, and he knows it too. I take things day by day but he... needs me now. He's a wonderful man too, and how blessed am I to have known TWO sweet kind amazing men who've loved me? I am looking at this as a blessing, thanking God because I was dying. It was painful. David- Dave does not take away the missing or the ache for James but David adds light and happiness to my life, as I do for him. He loves me and I love him, and he knows I love James too. For some "God can only understand" reason David accepts my belief in twin souls, and he chooses to love me even though I've been nothing but honest with him. Like a miracle because NO other man would love me like he does through my honesty; all I can say is I tell God I love two men now but I am thankful to be so blessed with strong love in my life. I care deeply for Dave and I know I am meant to be in his life. Love heals, and man I needed some TLC too when I met him- it's been a long four years. But his grief was so deep that he was faltering too, and I know I help strengthen and heal him. So I don't question or doubt, and I am just being LOVING and kind. That is all I can do. I am trying to be that way in all aspects of my life.
David genuinely loves me. He cares for me, helps me and would do anything for me (although I am very careful to be protective of his heart!!!) He knows I will not ask for anything, and I won't accept much beyond his PRESENCE in my life. But I am thankful that the only man I've touched or kissed or hugged after James is a good man, a strong love, a bright light- because anything less would have felt like I shit on my healing. I have cherished through everything the fact that James helped me feel pure again, like love is real and to be cherished. After four years totally alone, purifying myself as much as I could, I am VERY protective of myself. I love myself and I will only treat myself well. I am so so thankful that I stayed all "hermit" and didn't cave to doing anything stupid (or less than what I am worth) after sharing such strong genuine healthy pure love with James. I did not want to tarnish that, ever.
Believe me- I miss him a lot. But it's kind of challenging, you know. For a long time I've longed to hear from him, to get a response, a hello. I've hoped to talk to him or see him again. To know him. That... absence, well it hurt terribly. Hoping and disappointment can be wearing too. And if you are really in a "twin soul" type of connection then you should know that no matter how much you may WANT to talk to your twin- it doesn't happen just because you want it to, or because you reach out, or you email or call or text or ask, etc. Doesn't work like that. I still hope and pray to hear from him one day. Honest, pure, truth. I want to look into the kind eyes of the friendly sweet funny loving man I met on my 40th birthday.
I know I will not ever be able to accept this experience until I talk with my friend again and he is the man I met and knew and loved and experienced, the man I KNOW he is. Until then I still love him and miss him while I do the best to live my life and be happy. I do hope he is out there living a good life. I wish him the best. I care for him and love him unconditionally but my God I do still miss him and wish we could talk and hug and be normal and honest with each other. I can't really think past that point anymore. I've had my dreams and they are still there. But all I can focus on is being loving and kind, and always knowing truth. I can't force anything in 3D when it comes to James; I learned that a long time ago and I've accepted it- but that doesn't mean that I don't WISH and HOPE to see him and be "intimate" again... meaning honest, close and loving. Kind. Gentle. Sweet. Caring. I know James. I remember him well, and I know if he could that is how he would be for me. Sweet, caring, loving, gentle and kind. He did so much for me, and lots of it was hard... what I would not give to just hold him.
I really wish I could hug you. And I do still miss your kind sweet kisses and warm safe embrace. Yes I am blessed with love in my life but I do miss you, love you and I always will feel this way no matter what happens in my life. You will always be unique and special to me.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Jesus told us to "live like a child" for a reason. Children are innocents, clear and pure until society programs them differently. Teaching them a loving moral way of life begins in the home and I am a conscious aware parent who has tried so so hard to raise him with love and patience so he can be like the child Jesus told us to be- a happy, loving, carefree, joyful, worry-free human being. I will do my best to help him carry that joy into his adult life.
I'm proud of myself that through all of my pain I've been able to be a "good" loving mother. My child has always helped me though, without him in my life I'd be dead right now. I've said that before (I know) but there were moments in these last four years that we so horrid, so painful, so fearful and frightening that I would have killed myself had my son not been in my life. He's always been there when I needed a hug or a cuddle. If I cry he always extends his arms and hugs me and pats me and tells me it will all be okay, or he will say "Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath mommy." He used to say to me when I'd cry, "You miss James mommy." He knew. My son has an old dear soul inside of him; I know he is my soulmate and I can't help but think that as "soul friends" we must be very close. Parenting takes on a different outlook when you look at your child and KNOW inside of him is an energy that is a dear friend to you- yes I must "parent" his humanity but I know he has a loving kind soul inside of him that loves me a lot. I almost feel like he is with me more for me than I am for him. I managed to love him well despite my years of being pretty sad, etc. I'm blessed to have him in my life.
I have a few thoughts I want to share here, and I will create a different post as a reminder about MANIFESTATION. I still believe this "twin soul" journey has a lot to do with teaching us about manifestation. It shows us how we need to be aware of our energy, in charge of our energy, how we must own what we create because we ARE creating, and I still believe those of us with a twin soul/twin flame are having a "crash course" because when the twin mirror comes along- shit gets real really quickly.
Honestly I am not sure what to think right now about James and his "human" role in my life. I still believe he's loved me all along, loved me when we dated, loved me dearly when he left, loved me all through the silence and keeping quiet, loved me through the rough mirroring, loved me through the distance and time... and he still loves me now. I believe that when he wrote back in summer last year to tell me, "You're right! I do love you. I always have" he was telling me the truth. I believe he meant it when he told me he wants me in his life.
I just don't know what to do with it. I've tried. I AM human. I get lonely. It hurts being away from the man I love most, not knowing anything about him, where he is, what his life is like, not having him in my life like I do anyone else I know, all my friends. It feels heartbreakingly painful, and I honestly feel that is why I met this other man. Because I was hurting too much. It's all I can think of, not to mention he, David, was hurting so much too- and love heals. I love David, and he loves me too. Love is a good thing. It's sweet. I have no idea what my future holds right now. I am enjoying my right now.
I am happy, and I needed to be happy. I could not grasp happiness with how I felt missing James and being alone at the same time. Now I still miss James, and I love him so much, but I'm no longer alone and I am not joyless. Because when you take a mixture of joyless+missing someone deeply+total loneliness it equates to complete misery. It is nearly impossible to find happiness in misery. I am happier now. I have love back in my life. David is a wonderfully loving kind person. He is good energy. There is no settling. I am not in a "lower relationship" or anything like that. He is my energetic equal, and our energy is good. Loving. But we were both sad and sinking and struggling with heartache. We've made each other happier.
But still I don't know what the future will bring. I still miss James. Loving David has brought me so much happiness but the one thing it has not done is stripped away my sadness over missing James. I still get sad. Friday morning I had the house to myself and I was on my knees keening out loud over how deeply I ache because I still miss James. David must be an angel too because he asked me later- he could tell I was upset. And I told him exactly how I feel. I miss James. I know he loved me and still does. I feel like he wanted to be here in my life- and I cannot handle not knowing him. In other words- I told David I CANNOT HANDLE the thought of "this is it." It can't end like this.
Cannot. It cannot end like this. I told David the thought is torturous for me, and it hurts deeply because I miss James and know we have not had an honest conversation since he was here four years ago and I need truth between us. I need to hug James and talk with him. I can't believe I cried laying next to Dave, cried over James, cried over missing him and still hurting and loving him, and David reassured me that no matter what he loves me and respects my heart. He told me, tearfully, that he'd told me from the start if my "dreams come true" with James then he'll respect that- even if it will hurt. All I know is... SERIOUSLY. How in the holy Hell did I land such huge real unconditional sweet amazing love from another human being?
What did I do to deserve such an angel in my life right now? I wasn't looking for him. The day this all began I'd been sitting at the arcade writing in my journal, frustrated. Asking God why? Why? Telling God I miss James so much- just let him be here. Let me talk to him. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why does it have to stay so quiet? What do I have to do? I'd already shut down multiple men who'd approached me with my standard reply: "I love someone else. I'm not interested." The universe KNOWS how I felt! I was trying SO HARD to be committed and hold on and fight for my "union" with James. And then all of a sudden Dave was there and later I realized I'd dreamed vividly of him and had signs before I met him. Of him. Of being with him (and in my dream it was okay- bittersweet, not James, but okay- loving and okay even if not... the #1 angel I truly wanted.) Not like settling but... right in a different way. In the dream I knew I was in a "committed relationship" with this person but I couldn't understand how that was possible since it wasn't James, and at the time I 100% was not planning to be with anyone else.
So I ask myself... how? I don't feel like I manifested it. I was focused on James. Still. But also still dying inside. I hurt so fucking bad, day in and day out. I can't help but wonder if God just knew I couldn't deal any longer how it was. And maybe Dave couldn't handle dealing with his grief and loss alone anymore either. And we were brought together somehow?
It helps me realize I didn't go looking for it. I wasn't being reactive. I was honestly trying. I still love James. I miss him so much. David knows this, and I am SO blessed to have (the only man) a man who accepts me and loves me through my honesty in admitting my huge love for another man. I am so blessed to be able to be honest and not hide my feelings. David told me he'd rather me share what I am feeling than keep it inside or hide it, even if I tell him some things he'd maybe rather not hear. That is like... not even HUMAN.
It's magical really- totally loving. I do feel blessed.
Overwhelmed too though. I don't, of course, tell Dave 95% of what goes on in my heart; I don't want to hurt him. This weekend I cleaned his house- it needed it. I like helping him. I love taking good care of him. I really do love him, and that love feels good. On the other hand it's bittersweet because I want to do the same things for James, cook for him, take loving care of him... I want to share a home with James. But James is the one not here, and I tried and tried to do what I felt I was supposed to do in order to allow him back to me. But he still is not here in my life and I guess God felt I was not meant to be alone any longer.
David has told me that he'd love to share life with me. He told me this morning, "You belong with me." *sigh* He's so sweet... and I don't mind that he shares how he feels. He does feel totally comfortable, like I've known him forever. Which is why I can only live for "now." I make no promises about a future. I can't do that. David knows this. He accepts it because he loves me and he is enjoying each day with me. I am trying to just enjoy knowing him, enjoy finally being happy again, enjoy having love in my life, being thankful with no worry. While also loving James in my heart.
I have not been writing and affirming like before. Maybe I should be. I'd still like to hear from James, know him again. I can't begin to tell you how much I want to have an honest conversation with him where we can both be 100% truthful and honest and real. Mirrors ONLY of love and truth. Only. I really wish to speak with him again where all of my shit is cleared and he can be himself again, freely and clearly, and being himself=being love. Caring. Compassionate. Loving. Kind. Gentle. *sob* I need that some day. I need to be able to hug him and be real. Hug and speak freely. Not discuss the past. Not rehash, no no no. I just want to be able to tell him how much I've loved him. How sorry I am, sorry... for all he's had to go through with me. I want to tell him I know he is a good person, the man I met and fell in love with. The angel of a man who was good to me and my son. Who took the time to visit me and talk with me and keep in contact with me. Who told me what I good mother and woman I am. The man who brought me his homemade perogies and, lol, organic grass-fed ground beef because he knows I love cheeseburgers. The man who told me repeatedly how beautiful I am to him, my smile, my mind, my thoughts. The man who waited patiently to make love with me, kissing me night after night, telling me he would wait for me. He just liked being with me, near me, holding me, kissing me. Our kisses were real, real love, and I know James loves my kisses. I know he loves being close to me, and I know he never wanted to leave me. I KNOW this. He told me he'd wished for me, wished to find the right woman for him, and then he met me (after his own share of not-so-perfect relationships) and we were SO GOOD together. He was so so so good to me. We fell in love. He was wonderful to me. Sweet, kind, patient, caring and careful with me and my heart and my emotions. He was so gentle and tender. I still miss him so much. Even with a new love in my life, even with new happiness and added joy, I STILL miss and ache for James. It is two separate things, to different energies.
I miss his smile and his soft sweet voice. I miss his warm embrace. I miss laughing with him. I miss how he'd come into my home and hug me. I miss sitting and talking and kissing and touching- just kissing and hugging for hours and hours. That was heaven to me, so intimate yet so innocent and sweet and kind. PERFECTION.
No, I've never recovered from losing all that love and truth in the blink of an eye. There are times where part of me feels like maybe I am meant to "move on" now and leave that all behind as good memories and a learning experience. But then another HUGE gigantic part of me screams out NO- no no no. I REFUSE to accept that as "the end." NO WAY. Our love was too strong, too real, too honest- I need truth again from James. I need honesty. Real. A loving exchange. Friendly too- we were and still are friends. I know that is truth. I don't care the time that has passed! He fell hard in love with me, and James told me (after we separated) that he knows he loves me more than I even love him. He said he loves me to eternity times 100000. He told me, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever." I know so much has happened and time has passed BUT I also know my connection with him in special and unique. It's not just human. It is strong. I have faith in my belief that his love for me is real, is truth, and he still loves me no matter what.
Love happens I suppose. I love them both. Other people might think I've moved on but I have not, and David knows this. He knows I love them both. I try to bless Dave's life as much as I can. He is so easy to love, very sweet man. Pure goodness- I hope he is also a reflection of me and my energy because that would mean he shows me the love I am, what I deserve, etc.
Last Friday night I was so happy that Dave was able to go out with me and PJ, my sister and her boyfriend, and my friend and her kids for PJ's birthday. He would normally have been working but was able to go with us. We both got fortune cookies and man oh man- they were poignant. Even he knew his held a message... don't try to understand it- just enjoy it. We keep getting message to "enjoy" and love right now. So I am. I am having faith that it is all GOOD and loving and meant to be like this- but that doesn't mean that I have "let go" of my twin soul. I only have love for James, and I dearly dearly need to speak with him, hold him and hug him again. I have this feeling like we are meant to hug each other for a while. More hug than talk. But hug, hold each other. Intimacy. James once told me, "I HOPE and WISH to come back and be intimate with you again soon." Intimacy can mean so much- varied... a hug. A long embrace. Hugging for hours. Soft quiet discussion. a gentle touch of a face or hand, holding hands walking together, gentle kisses... fully clothed. I think James wants to be here and be "intimate" with me- sweetly, quietly, dearly, gently. Honestly and lovingly. That is what my heart tells me, and I really wish... to know my dear loving friend again like I once did, laughing and holding hands and sharing freely and being kind and tender to each other. Honesty.
I hope he is happy and well taken care of wherever he is. I always wish that for James. I know my blessings and am thankful for them. I love James a lot. I am blessed that he (out of all people on earth) is the earth angel who ended up my twin soul. I wouldn't want it to be anyone else.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Warning: I've always tried to be really honest on my blog and I will continue to do so.
"I'm so in love with you. Make love your goal." This is a beautiful song.
The power of love. A force from above.
Time passes. I have not written in a while. I don't have much to say. I still love James. I think of him a lot. I guess I don't hurt as badly now- but I can honestly say that is because I am sharing love with someone else, and having that extra joy and love in my life helps ease my heart.
That's me being honest. It helps me no longer feel like I am dying or that I want to die because I miss James so much, and I missed him while being alone and pretty joyless.
I've learned that I can love two different people at the same time. I can love one man who is here in my life, and at the same time I still adore and miss one who is not here, who has not been here- I don't even know where James lives.
A few weeks ago I was visiting this new man, Dave. He walked me home but my heart was hurting, and I think he could tell. The sky was very clear, stars beautiful. I sat outside by myself and prayed hard. I cried. I told God that I don't know what to do (but be loving and kind) and can only hand it over to God because really I do love two people. I don't have any bad feelings towards either of them, or anyone for that matter. I am trying to be very loving in my energy and thoughts and words. I have only love for James although I miss him terribly. I still miss him. I can be held by someone else, and feel love for that person, while missing James at the same time, and it's just the way it is. I can't change it. I am thankful to have such love in my life. Dave is very kind and sweet, caring, loving. He thinks, and so do I, that we are soul mates. He's 54 and not really "spiritual" in the traditional sense but even he can "feel" the energy between us. It is a warm loving safe energy. And there is passion too. Dave is really good high elevated energy, very loving. He is a good kind caring man, not just to me but to everyone he knows. I love him and care about him.
But it's very different than how I feel about my twin soul. Both are lovely, loving, and wonderful but only my twin soul... takes my breath away. I don't think anyone else will, ever, in my life, inflame me like James has the power to. I can love. I can love another man. But not with the same intensity, depth and electricity as with James. I cannot get him out of my head or heart.
So anyway I was sitting on my porch praying and crying and I told God that I really do love James. I hope he is well. I miss him. I so wish I could talk with him again. I wish I could talk to him honestly, like two normal human beings, like we were when we first met. When we started off as friends who talked on the phone (before we met in person) and before we dated, when we were just getting to know each other. I wish we could be those people again. It was so free and clear and beautiful and joyful and fun and friendly and real, and I miss that. I miss my friend.
There is not a lot of open sky around my house, lots of trees around. But as I was praying a big shooting star crossed the sky. I don't always know what to think about the signs but I take it as I am heard. So I try to make sure whatever I am sending out is good and loving. James might not be here with me, and God only knows when I will see him again, but I still hold him close in my heart. I miss him. I love him.
Day by day is how I take life right now. I just got back from Disney World and it was the BEST vacation ever. I went with my son and my mother, and my sister and her boyfriend went too but stayed at a different resort. I was gifted the amazing room we stayed in. What a wonderful vacation, and it was also lighter because I... didn't feel like I was dying from pain this trip. I can only attribute that to having someone in my life who loves me, who hugs me, who I can talk to and actually spend time with, talk to, hold hands with, etc. It was a new experience to leave on vacation and have someone back home miss me entirely and anticipate seeing me again, threw me off actually. I realize how weird it is for me to be loved so deeply; it almost feels foreign at first and I am still getting used to it. I am a very loving person, and I have a lot of love to give. I WISH I could give it to James! I wish I could hug him and love him, hold him and be kind to him, make him dinner, laugh and love with him- I wish. *sigh* I keep reading these articles that say "Take all that love you feel for your twin and channel it into whatever you do best, what makes you feel good." Ha, well for me "loving" is what I do best- and I am "loving" (as an action verb.) I'm loving a man who needs to be healed from his grief, who was drowning in his own pain, who needs companionship because he was faltering. And he shows me love too, and let me tell you- no matter what the situation has been- four years of agonizing over a man I love and miss was killing me. I needed a reprieve. Maybe this is my reprieve.
Dave knows I love him- if I didn't I could not and would not be close with him. But he also knows I love James, and he knows I can't talk about a future. I can only take things day by day, and I know in my heart that I will know Dave (and help him) for as long as I am meant to, even if that is a long time, even if it is past a time where it's a"romantic" relationship. Maybe one day we will morph into something else- I don't know. I can't think about it or else I'll freak out. Instead I thank God for the strong love in my life. I am also thankful that I am able to help Dave. I CARE so deeply about him- it makes me cry. My friend tells me it is truly "unconditional" love, and that it's a beautiful thing. Dave has said things to me like, "Okay I need to tell you this, and please don't get mad..." and then he'll admit something to me that might make another woman, I don't know, jealous or annoyed but to me I'm just like... okay. No big deal. It makes me realize the silly shit most people get upset over. He smokes from time to time, thought I'd get angry if he goes out and has a drink and a smoke. While I am not a fan of cigarettes at the same time having a social smoke once every few months is no big deal- he's a grown man. I don't want him to be worried I'll be "mad" at him; that's silly. It's a lame example but my point is- I can't really imagine getting angry with him. I don't get angry at my son either. I don't have it in me. Maybe these last four years have mellowed me, softened me, maybe they were meant to. I don't know.
Maybe I'm being... tempered. Go figure.
I do care about this person though. A lot. I want him to be happy and feel good. He was a sweet loving husband to his late wife and he's been through an absolute shit ton of pain and grief; he deserves to have some happiness in his life, and if that happiness comes from me then so be it. I can't question it. It's love. Don't think I have not agonized over this. I love James and for four years I've begged and pleaded and prayed to the universe to PLEASE please please be able to see James again, hear from him, know him. I miss him every day. I thought I was only supposed to "love" one person, James. I didn't expect to love someone else, or want to be close to another man. I thought it would be "wrong." But I care about Dave. I am only good to him. I help him and I love him. I bring him happiness- how could that be anything but good?
I keep in mind to take the time to affirm goodness and love in my life- I truly think it affects my circumstances and how people around me treat me, for the better. I want to be gentle and loving, only. I have this sneaky suspicion part of this "journey" has been to show me that truly we are meant to be loving ONLY inside, only, and I am being forced to get there. I am being forced to "purge" or get past, ascend, beyond lower energies. It is one of the only answers that makes sense to me.
Is sadness or missing someone a "lower" energy? I don't think so. I love James but I also miss him a lot. No matter if I do have someone loving in my life right now- I still miss James. I love him the same amount as I did all this time. I still feel this "limbo" when it comes to James- we never ended. I need TRUTH. I need truth. I won't ever rest inside until I have truth. Hard to explain- Dave understands, to a point, that I have "unfinished business" with James and my heart will never feel fully settled until I have some TRUTH. Truth is loving. Truth is kind. Truth is transparent, caring, gentle, considerate. Truth is protective of another person's heart, mind and emotions- I need truth as it pertains to me and James, and I KNOW truth- but I need it from him. Until then it feels unresolved to me, not over. I just feel that I will hear from him one day; we need to talk. Or hug. Maybe no talking. Maybe just holding each other. I ache to hold James. After everything we have been through together. So much intensity. All the "mirroring" and all the LOVE- the ache, the need, the missing, the tears. I've heard him sigh on the phone and tell me, "I miss you Jennifer. I miss you so much," and I KNOW he meant it. I know he's hurt too. He needs to be hugged too. I want to hold him so much. Or I want to be held by him. I wish I could sit with him, put my head on his chest, and have him hug me for a long time. I wish we could be gentle and honest to each other. I wish with all of my might that we could talk and be 10000% honest with each other, respectfully, kindly, lovingly. With a lot of care.
I feel like I am doing an okay job of "letting go of" crap emotions, especially anger (at my situation with James.) But I can't seem to get past feeling sadness or missing him. I cry. I ache. I miss him dearly. I want to see my friend in the worst way. I ache to see his adorable smile and his glowing blue eyes. I love him in a unique manner that I know I will never feel again for anyone. But him. I've come to accept that reality- I'll never love another man with the same electrifying intensity as I do James. No one will ever be my "perfect fit" like he is. No one else out there is my "twin soul." There are soul mates out there, and I know Dave is one. But James is unique, and I can tell the difference, fully. It is bittersweet. A relief to know I CAN love again. But also with the realization that it won't be the same. Only with James do my knees get weak just by hearing him say my name. I've never wanted to receive a phone call, a visit or even a text message from someone in my life more than I do from him.
There is no other man on earth I could still think of, love, ache for and miss after four years of being apart. None. Not possible. Only James. It's overwhelming to think that forever I am going to love him like this, think of him all the time, etc. I can't really think of it- again, day by day right now so I don't lose my mind, so I stay balanced, so I can focus on being loving and sane and emotionally HEALTHY (as much as I can be while I still miss someone so damn much.) Having real "human" love in my life helps, yes, and I am thankful to have someone so dear in my life- a blessing.
But man I do still love my twin soul, and I miss him with all of my heart.
I hope you are well wherever you are my friend. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you, and I love you.