Monday, November 6, 2017
Jesus told us to "live like a child" for a reason. Children are innocents, clear and pure until society programs them differently. Teaching them a loving moral way of life begins in the home and I am a conscious aware parent who has tried so so hard to raise him with love and patience so he can be like the child Jesus told us to be- a happy, loving, carefree, joyful, worry-free human being. I will do my best to help him carry that joy into his adult life.
I'm proud of myself that through all of my pain I've been able to be a "good" loving mother. My child has always helped me though, without him in my life I'd be dead right now. I've said that before (I know) but there were moments in these last four years that we so horrid, so painful, so fearful and frightening that I would have killed myself had my son not been in my life. He's always been there when I needed a hug or a cuddle. If I cry he always extends his arms and hugs me and pats me and tells me it will all be okay, or he will say "Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath mommy." He used to say to me when I'd cry, "You miss James mommy." He knew. My son has an old dear soul inside of him; I know he is my soulmate and I can't help but think that as "soul friends" we must be very close. Parenting takes on a different outlook when you look at your child and KNOW inside of him is an energy that is a dear friend to you- yes I must "parent" his humanity but I know he has a loving kind soul inside of him that loves me a lot. I almost feel like he is with me more for me than I am for him. I managed to love him well despite my years of being pretty sad, etc. I'm blessed to have him in my life.
I have a few thoughts I want to share here, and I will create a different post as a reminder about MANIFESTATION. I still believe this "twin soul" journey has a lot to do with teaching us about manifestation. It shows us how we need to be aware of our energy, in charge of our energy, how we must own what we create because we ARE creating, and I still believe those of us with a twin soul/twin flame are having a "crash course" because when the twin mirror comes along- shit gets real really quickly.
Honestly I am not sure what to think right now about James and his "human" role in my life. I still believe he's loved me all along, loved me when we dated, loved me dearly when he left, loved me all through the silence and keeping quiet, loved me through the rough mirroring, loved me through the distance and time... and he still loves me now. I believe that when he wrote back in summer last year to tell me, "You're right! I do love you. I always have" he was telling me the truth. I believe he meant it when he told me he wants me in his life.
I just don't know what to do with it. I've tried. I AM human. I get lonely. It hurts being away from the man I love most, not knowing anything about him, where he is, what his life is like, not having him in my life like I do anyone else I know, all my friends. It feels heartbreakingly painful, and I honestly feel that is why I met this other man. Because I was hurting too much. It's all I can think of, not to mention he, David, was hurting so much too- and love heals. I love David, and he loves me too. Love is a good thing. It's sweet. I have no idea what my future holds right now. I am enjoying my right now.
I am happy, and I needed to be happy. I could not grasp happiness with how I felt missing James and being alone at the same time. Now I still miss James, and I love him so much, but I'm no longer alone and I am not joyless. Because when you take a mixture of joyless+missing someone deeply+total loneliness it equates to complete misery. It is nearly impossible to find happiness in misery. I am happier now. I have love back in my life. David is a wonderfully loving kind person. He is good energy. There is no settling. I am not in a "lower relationship" or anything like that. He is my energetic equal, and our energy is good. Loving. But we were both sad and sinking and struggling with heartache. We've made each other happier.
But still I don't know what the future will bring. I still miss James. Loving David has brought me so much happiness but the one thing it has not done is stripped away my sadness over missing James. I still get sad. Friday morning I had the house to myself and I was on my knees keening out loud over how deeply I ache because I still miss James. David must be an angel too because he asked me later- he could tell I was upset. And I told him exactly how I feel. I miss James. I know he loved me and still does. I feel like he wanted to be here in my life- and I cannot handle not knowing him. In other words- I told David I CANNOT HANDLE the thought of "this is it." It can't end like this.
Cannot. It cannot end like this. I told David the thought is torturous for me, and it hurts deeply because I miss James and know we have not had an honest conversation since he was here four years ago and I need truth between us. I need to hug James and talk with him. I can't believe I cried laying next to Dave, cried over James, cried over missing him and still hurting and loving him, and David reassured me that no matter what he loves me and respects my heart. He told me, tearfully, that he'd told me from the start if my "dreams come true" with James then he'll respect that- even if it will hurt. All I know is... SERIOUSLY. How in the holy Hell did I land such huge real unconditional sweet amazing love from another human being?
What did I do to deserve such an angel in my life right now? I wasn't looking for him. The day this all began I'd been sitting at the arcade writing in my journal, frustrated. Asking God why? Why? Telling God I miss James so much- just let him be here. Let me talk to him. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why does it have to stay so quiet? What do I have to do? I'd already shut down multiple men who'd approached me with my standard reply: "I love someone else. I'm not interested." The universe KNOWS how I felt! I was trying SO HARD to be committed and hold on and fight for my "union" with James. And then all of a sudden Dave was there and later I realized I'd dreamed vividly of him and had signs before I met him. Of him. Of being with him (and in my dream it was okay- bittersweet, not James, but okay- loving and okay even if not... the #1 angel I truly wanted.) Not like settling but... right in a different way. In the dream I knew I was in a "committed relationship" with this person but I couldn't understand how that was possible since it wasn't James, and at the time I 100% was not planning to be with anyone else.
So I ask myself... how? I don't feel like I manifested it. I was focused on James. Still. But also still dying inside. I hurt so fucking bad, day in and day out. I can't help but wonder if God just knew I couldn't deal any longer how it was. And maybe Dave couldn't handle dealing with his grief and loss alone anymore either. And we were brought together somehow?
It helps me realize I didn't go looking for it. I wasn't being reactive. I was honestly trying. I still love James. I miss him so much. David knows this, and I am SO blessed to have (the only man) a man who accepts me and loves me through my honesty in admitting my huge love for another man. I am so blessed to be able to be honest and not hide my feelings. David told me he'd rather me share what I am feeling than keep it inside or hide it, even if I tell him some things he'd maybe rather not hear. That is like... not even HUMAN.
It's magical really- totally loving. I do feel blessed.
Overwhelmed too though. I don't, of course, tell Dave 95% of what goes on in my heart; I don't want to hurt him. This weekend I cleaned his house- it needed it. I like helping him. I love taking good care of him. I really do love him, and that love feels good. On the other hand it's bittersweet because I want to do the same things for James, cook for him, take loving care of him... I want to share a home with James. But James is the one not here, and I tried and tried to do what I felt I was supposed to do in order to allow him back to me. But he still is not here in my life and I guess God felt I was not meant to be alone any longer.
David has told me that he'd love to share life with me. He told me this morning, "You belong with me." *sigh* He's so sweet... and I don't mind that he shares how he feels. He does feel totally comfortable, like I've known him forever. Which is why I can only live for "now." I make no promises about a future. I can't do that. David knows this. He accepts it because he loves me and he is enjoying each day with me. I am trying to just enjoy knowing him, enjoy finally being happy again, enjoy having love in my life, being thankful with no worry. While also loving James in my heart.
I have not been writing and affirming like before. Maybe I should be. I'd still like to hear from James, know him again. I can't begin to tell you how much I want to have an honest conversation with him where we can both be 100% truthful and honest and real. Mirrors ONLY of love and truth. Only. I really wish to speak with him again where all of my shit is cleared and he can be himself again, freely and clearly, and being himself=being love. Caring. Compassionate. Loving. Kind. Gentle. *sob* I need that some day. I need to be able to hug him and be real. Hug and speak freely. Not discuss the past. Not rehash, no no no. I just want to be able to tell him how much I've loved him. How sorry I am, sorry... for all he's had to go through with me. I want to tell him I know he is a good person, the man I met and fell in love with. The angel of a man who was good to me and my son. Who took the time to visit me and talk with me and keep in contact with me. Who told me what I good mother and woman I am. The man who brought me his homemade perogies and, lol, organic grass-fed ground beef because he knows I love cheeseburgers. The man who told me repeatedly how beautiful I am to him, my smile, my mind, my thoughts. The man who waited patiently to make love with me, kissing me night after night, telling me he would wait for me. He just liked being with me, near me, holding me, kissing me. Our kisses were real, real love, and I know James loves my kisses. I know he loves being close to me, and I know he never wanted to leave me. I KNOW this. He told me he'd wished for me, wished to find the right woman for him, and then he met me (after his own share of not-so-perfect relationships) and we were SO GOOD together. He was so so so good to me. We fell in love. He was wonderful to me. Sweet, kind, patient, caring and careful with me and my heart and my emotions. He was so gentle and tender. I still miss him so much. Even with a new love in my life, even with new happiness and added joy, I STILL miss and ache for James. It is two separate things, to different energies.
I miss his smile and his soft sweet voice. I miss his warm embrace. I miss laughing with him. I miss how he'd come into my home and hug me. I miss sitting and talking and kissing and touching- just kissing and hugging for hours and hours. That was heaven to me, so intimate yet so innocent and sweet and kind. PERFECTION.
No, I've never recovered from losing all that love and truth in the blink of an eye. There are times where part of me feels like maybe I am meant to "move on" now and leave that all behind as good memories and a learning experience. But then another HUGE gigantic part of me screams out NO- no no no. I REFUSE to accept that as "the end." NO WAY. Our love was too strong, too real, too honest- I need truth again from James. I need honesty. Real. A loving exchange. Friendly too- we were and still are friends. I know that is truth. I don't care the time that has passed! He fell hard in love with me, and James told me (after we separated) that he knows he loves me more than I even love him. He said he loves me to eternity times 100000. He told me, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever." I know so much has happened and time has passed BUT I also know my connection with him in special and unique. It's not just human. It is strong. I have faith in my belief that his love for me is real, is truth, and he still loves me no matter what.
Love happens I suppose. I love them both. Other people might think I've moved on but I have not, and David knows this. He knows I love them both. I try to bless Dave's life as much as I can. He is so easy to love, very sweet man. Pure goodness- I hope he is also a reflection of me and my energy because that would mean he shows me the love I am, what I deserve, etc.
Last Friday night I was so happy that Dave was able to go out with me and PJ, my sister and her boyfriend, and my friend and her kids for PJ's birthday. He would normally have been working but was able to go with us. We both got fortune cookies and man oh man- they were poignant. Even he knew his held a message... don't try to understand it- just enjoy it. We keep getting message to "enjoy" and love right now. So I am. I am having faith that it is all GOOD and loving and meant to be like this- but that doesn't mean that I have "let go" of my twin soul. I only have love for James, and I dearly dearly need to speak with him, hold him and hug him again. I have this feeling like we are meant to hug each other for a while. More hug than talk. But hug, hold each other. Intimacy. James once told me, "I HOPE and WISH to come back and be intimate with you again soon." Intimacy can mean so much- varied... a hug. A long embrace. Hugging for hours. Soft quiet discussion. a gentle touch of a face or hand, holding hands walking together, gentle kisses... fully clothed. I think James wants to be here and be "intimate" with me- sweetly, quietly, dearly, gently. Honestly and lovingly. That is what my heart tells me, and I really wish... to know my dear loving friend again like I once did, laughing and holding hands and sharing freely and being kind and tender to each other. Honesty.
I hope he is happy and well taken care of wherever he is. I always wish that for James. I know my blessings and am thankful for them. I love James a lot. I am blessed that he (out of all people on earth) is the earth angel who ended up my twin soul. I wouldn't want it to be anyone else.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Warning: I've always tried to be really honest on my blog and I will continue to do so.
"I'm so in love with you. Make love your goal." This is a beautiful song.
The power of love. A force from above.
Time passes. I have not written in a while. I don't have much to say. I still love James. I think of him a lot. I guess I don't hurt as badly now- but I can honestly say that is because I am sharing love with someone else, and having that extra joy and love in my life helps ease my heart.
That's me being honest. It helps me no longer feel like I am dying or that I want to die because I miss James so much, and I missed him while being alone and pretty joyless.
I've learned that I can love two different people at the same time. I can love one man who is here in my life, and at the same time I still adore and miss one who is not here, who has not been here- I don't even know where James lives.
A few weeks ago I was visiting this new man, Dave. He walked me home but my heart was hurting, and I think he could tell. The sky was very clear, stars beautiful. I sat outside by myself and prayed hard. I cried. I told God that I don't know what to do (but be loving and kind) and can only hand it over to God because really I do love two people. I don't have any bad feelings towards either of them, or anyone for that matter. I am trying to be very loving in my energy and thoughts and words. I have only love for James although I miss him terribly. I still miss him. I can be held by someone else, and feel love for that person, while missing James at the same time, and it's just the way it is. I can't change it. I am thankful to have such love in my life. Dave is very kind and sweet, caring, loving. He thinks, and so do I, that we are soul mates. He's 54 and not really "spiritual" in the traditional sense but even he can "feel" the energy between us. It is a warm loving safe energy. And there is passion too. Dave is really good high elevated energy, very loving. He is a good kind caring man, not just to me but to everyone he knows. I love him and care about him.
But it's very different than how I feel about my twin soul. Both are lovely, loving, and wonderful but only my twin soul... takes my breath away. I don't think anyone else will, ever, in my life, inflame me like James has the power to. I can love. I can love another man. But not with the same intensity, depth and electricity as with James. I cannot get him out of my head or heart.
So anyway I was sitting on my porch praying and crying and I told God that I really do love James. I hope he is well. I miss him. I so wish I could talk with him again. I wish I could talk to him honestly, like two normal human beings, like we were when we first met. When we started off as friends who talked on the phone (before we met in person) and before we dated, when we were just getting to know each other. I wish we could be those people again. It was so free and clear and beautiful and joyful and fun and friendly and real, and I miss that. I miss my friend.
There is not a lot of open sky around my house, lots of trees around. But as I was praying a big shooting star crossed the sky. I don't always know what to think about the signs but I take it as I am heard. So I try to make sure whatever I am sending out is good and loving. James might not be here with me, and God only knows when I will see him again, but I still hold him close in my heart. I miss him. I love him.
Day by day is how I take life right now. I just got back from Disney World and it was the BEST vacation ever. I went with my son and my mother, and my sister and her boyfriend went too but stayed at a different resort. I was gifted the amazing room we stayed in. What a wonderful vacation, and it was also lighter because I... didn't feel like I was dying from pain this trip. I can only attribute that to having someone in my life who loves me, who hugs me, who I can talk to and actually spend time with, talk to, hold hands with, etc. It was a new experience to leave on vacation and have someone back home miss me entirely and anticipate seeing me again, threw me off actually. I realize how weird it is for me to be loved so deeply; it almost feels foreign at first and I am still getting used to it. I am a very loving person, and I have a lot of love to give. I WISH I could give it to James! I wish I could hug him and love him, hold him and be kind to him, make him dinner, laugh and love with him- I wish. *sigh* I keep reading these articles that say "Take all that love you feel for your twin and channel it into whatever you do best, what makes you feel good." Ha, well for me "loving" is what I do best- and I am "loving" (as an action verb.) I'm loving a man who needs to be healed from his grief, who was drowning in his own pain, who needs companionship because he was faltering. And he shows me love too, and let me tell you- no matter what the situation has been- four years of agonizing over a man I love and miss was killing me. I needed a reprieve. Maybe this is my reprieve.
Dave knows I love him- if I didn't I could not and would not be close with him. But he also knows I love James, and he knows I can't talk about a future. I can only take things day by day, and I know in my heart that I will know Dave (and help him) for as long as I am meant to, even if that is a long time, even if it is past a time where it's a"romantic" relationship. Maybe one day we will morph into something else- I don't know. I can't think about it or else I'll freak out. Instead I thank God for the strong love in my life. I am also thankful that I am able to help Dave. I CARE so deeply about him- it makes me cry. My friend tells me it is truly "unconditional" love, and that it's a beautiful thing. Dave has said things to me like, "Okay I need to tell you this, and please don't get mad..." and then he'll admit something to me that might make another woman, I don't know, jealous or annoyed but to me I'm just like... okay. No big deal. It makes me realize the silly shit most people get upset over. He smokes from time to time, thought I'd get angry if he goes out and has a drink and a smoke. While I am not a fan of cigarettes at the same time having a social smoke once every few months is no big deal- he's a grown man. I don't want him to be worried I'll be "mad" at him; that's silly. It's a lame example but my point is- I can't really imagine getting angry with him. I don't get angry at my son either. I don't have it in me. Maybe these last four years have mellowed me, softened me, maybe they were meant to. I don't know.
Maybe I'm being... tempered. Go figure.
I do care about this person though. A lot. I want him to be happy and feel good. He was a sweet loving husband to his late wife and he's been through an absolute shit ton of pain and grief; he deserves to have some happiness in his life, and if that happiness comes from me then so be it. I can't question it. It's love. Don't think I have not agonized over this. I love James and for four years I've begged and pleaded and prayed to the universe to PLEASE please please be able to see James again, hear from him, know him. I miss him every day. I thought I was only supposed to "love" one person, James. I didn't expect to love someone else, or want to be close to another man. I thought it would be "wrong." But I care about Dave. I am only good to him. I help him and I love him. I bring him happiness- how could that be anything but good?
I keep in mind to take the time to affirm goodness and love in my life- I truly think it affects my circumstances and how people around me treat me, for the better. I want to be gentle and loving, only. I have this sneaky suspicion part of this "journey" has been to show me that truly we are meant to be loving ONLY inside, only, and I am being forced to get there. I am being forced to "purge" or get past, ascend, beyond lower energies. It is one of the only answers that makes sense to me.
Is sadness or missing someone a "lower" energy? I don't think so. I love James but I also miss him a lot. No matter if I do have someone loving in my life right now- I still miss James. I love him the same amount as I did all this time. I still feel this "limbo" when it comes to James- we never ended. I need TRUTH. I need truth. I won't ever rest inside until I have truth. Hard to explain- Dave understands, to a point, that I have "unfinished business" with James and my heart will never feel fully settled until I have some TRUTH. Truth is loving. Truth is kind. Truth is transparent, caring, gentle, considerate. Truth is protective of another person's heart, mind and emotions- I need truth as it pertains to me and James, and I KNOW truth- but I need it from him. Until then it feels unresolved to me, not over. I just feel that I will hear from him one day; we need to talk. Or hug. Maybe no talking. Maybe just holding each other. I ache to hold James. After everything we have been through together. So much intensity. All the "mirroring" and all the LOVE- the ache, the need, the missing, the tears. I've heard him sigh on the phone and tell me, "I miss you Jennifer. I miss you so much," and I KNOW he meant it. I know he's hurt too. He needs to be hugged too. I want to hold him so much. Or I want to be held by him. I wish I could sit with him, put my head on his chest, and have him hug me for a long time. I wish we could be gentle and honest to each other. I wish with all of my might that we could talk and be 10000% honest with each other, respectfully, kindly, lovingly. With a lot of care.
I feel like I am doing an okay job of "letting go of" crap emotions, especially anger (at my situation with James.) But I can't seem to get past feeling sadness or missing him. I cry. I ache. I miss him dearly. I want to see my friend in the worst way. I ache to see his adorable smile and his glowing blue eyes. I love him in a unique manner that I know I will never feel again for anyone. But him. I've come to accept that reality- I'll never love another man with the same electrifying intensity as I do James. No one will ever be my "perfect fit" like he is. No one else out there is my "twin soul." There are soul mates out there, and I know Dave is one. But James is unique, and I can tell the difference, fully. It is bittersweet. A relief to know I CAN love again. But also with the realization that it won't be the same. Only with James do my knees get weak just by hearing him say my name. I've never wanted to receive a phone call, a visit or even a text message from someone in my life more than I do from him.
There is no other man on earth I could still think of, love, ache for and miss after four years of being apart. None. Not possible. Only James. It's overwhelming to think that forever I am going to love him like this, think of him all the time, etc. I can't really think of it- again, day by day right now so I don't lose my mind, so I stay balanced, so I can focus on being loving and sane and emotionally HEALTHY (as much as I can be while I still miss someone so damn much.) Having real "human" love in my life helps, yes, and I am thankful to have someone so dear in my life- a blessing.
But man I do still love my twin soul, and I miss him with all of my heart.
I hope you are well wherever you are my friend. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you, and I love you.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
This ache is still here.
I miss James. I still pray to hear from him. To see his beautiful face again.
I wish that you were here.
To sit down with him and talk, talk like we used to, honestly- real. Normal. Friends. Like two normal human beings... would be a miracle and a dream at this point. I want that so much. I think I want to talk to James and have him be normal and friendly and real and honest and "the James I knew" is what I want most right now. Oh to see his sweet friendly cute little smile!!! I need to feel his arms around me! I totally dream of sitting down with him and being able to talk to him, really talk. Like friends. Like we used to. And hug each other. I wish we could hug each other.
Oh my God how I wish we could just quietly hug each other. *sniff* I miss James so much.
No matter what happens in my life (and lots has happened fast and unexpectedly) I still have this yearning for James. I love him, always. No matter what. I just love him. I know I always will.
I am taking this time in my life as an opportunity for me to try and be as loving as I can. Yes there is someone in my life; I can't even explain how it happened. But I've been honest with him, brutally. This man loves me dearly. He also knows I love James very much. I guess I have enough love inside of me to love two wonderful people. In order to stay balanced and not freak the fuck out over the changes that have happened in my life I am only telling the universe that I am thankful for my blessings, thankful for all the love in my life- but I refuse to give up or "move on" or not hold on to James. No one can understand, really. I just feel I am supposed to see James again, talk with him, be honest with him. I need to tell him how much I love him. How much I care and have cared. I need him to know I really have tried. I have. I've loved him since the first day we began talking. I lost my heart to him the day I met him when he walked up to me smiling and hugged me telling me "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be." I MISS JAMES FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL.
As I already wrote on my blog in recently posts I did meet a man I am spending time with. We have a very unique "relationship" and connection. I love him but in a different way than James. It is not the same. I care for this new person. He needs a lot of love and tenderness, healing through love, after losing his wife to cancer and battling along with her in the hopes that she would survive but she did not, and he's been suffering badly. I am a twin soul, right? Is it any surprise that he met me and "felt" a spark for me? The first woman he's felt anything for since he met his wife over twenty years ago. But I chalk it up to being twin soul strong love energy. It feels like the right thing at this moment in my life. I care for him. He cares for me. But he knows my heart; he knows about James. I was honest, and I still am. He knows I have this strong heart desire to hear from James again, to see him. He knows... I made sure of it. He has explained that he and I are good for each other because we understand each other when no one else really would. I understand that he very much still loves his wife and misses her, and he still cries- even sometimes with me and I am totally okay with that. I just hug him and tell him I understand, and he says that most women would not be so soft and understanding and caring about his grief- he is happy with me and loves me but he still mourns his wife. At the same time I still love James and miss him dearly and hold hope. I will not "let go" and he knows this. So it's a similar situation, in a way, and I've been honest. I think this man is the only man who would accept being close to me, loving me, being kind to me and spending time with me all while knowing I absolutely love and adore someone else at the same time. But I care for him and love him too. For example, his house needs some major TLC. His wife was weak and sick for a long time, and then she was gone and he's been sad and suffering. He needs some help so I've been helping him, and I don't mind doing so. Day by day is all I can do. Be thankful and enjoy my life. Be loving. Thankful for having this new happiness in my life. Yet still I love my twin. I think of James. I wish the best for him. I hold him close in my heart. I cherish him even though he is not here with me. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to stop loving him, and I don't know how to not wish to see him again. I can't stop wanting him in my life- I've never stopped wanting him in my life even though we've been apart for so long.
I don't know where my dear twin soul is right now. But Northern California is on fire and I hope he is okay. I still think of him pretty much every waking moment of every day, no matter what else is on my mind or in my heart. My dear friend- I love you and I miss you. I pray you are safe and okay.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
I haven't heard this song in a really long time. "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You." It says, "I think I dreamed you into life." Whenever I hear those lyrics I think of James because yes I did "dream him into life." I asked for him very specifically. Every last thing. I wrote it all out. I asked God over and over for this man I had in my heart. And then one day he showed up.
It's so hard to lose the dream you asked for and brought into life. I had him here and then he slipped right through my fingers, and I've missed him ever since.
Yes things in my life are different than they've been for the last four years. I love someone else too. I didn't mean to. I didn't ask for this one. As a matter of fact I kept saying that James was the only one and for some reason I met someone else. He is sweet. He is a lot like James in his energy. I take it day by day. I can't live how I was living. It was killing me. I had very little joy in my life.
I am thankful for the love in my life. I am thankful for this person I've met. He is darling. But none of that means I love James any less. I miss him. I love him. I think of him, everyday. The only want I could ever be close with another man is if that person understands the state of my heart, and he does which is a miracle. He accepts me anyway, even though he knows I love someone else too. Oddly enough he seems to think I am just that special and loveable. Go figure.
I am just trying to love now. Feel love. Be love. I am working really hard to fend off any anger that comes up due to me not having what I really truly want in my heart most, and that is James. I did not ask for a substitute, and this man is not that. I love them both. NO ONE could ever take away the love I feel for James. Or the fact that I ache to hear from him or see him.
I miss my sweet friend. I miss my sweetest friend with all my heart. At the same time I am staying in a place of feeling blessed to have love in my life, some from afar (I know James still loves me) and also love that is right here with me now, and I needed this love even though I was really focused on staying militantly "faithful" to my twin. I am human and it feels good to be able to share love with another human being, no matter the situation. At the same time, though, I can hug one person and still miss the other one at the same time. I've never actually loved two people strongly at the same time. One it is just a joyful happy love, and the other- I still miss with every cell in my body.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
I heard this song and it reminds me of James.
I still miss him.
I still love him, immensely.
I still think of him all the time.
I sat on my front porch at 2AM and looked up at the stars and "talked" to him in my heart. Cassiopeia was overhead, the "W" of stars. The night sky does and always will remind me of James. I cried a little. I told God that no matter what I still love James, and I miss him so much. I suppose this song is a good reflection of my heart. He is always on my mind, always. His sweet memory lives in my heart. No matter what. I have a feeling he always will be here with me.
If I were to contact James and tell him that I miss him and I love him and I think of him- it would be honesty. I do love him and miss him.
I miss my friend.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Granted it's been a while now but I've never forgotten one of the "weird" email exchanges I had with James. It started out strange and I had to work my way through it but in the end one of the last messages he sent me he said, "I wish you were here with me cuddled in my arms right now."
I've never let that comment go because it sounded and felt like my James, the man I met and fell in love with, and I've always felt in my heart that he wished he could hold me and kiss me and cuddle me and be gentle to me.
I still wish I could cuddle James. I miss him. Nothing really stops me from missing him or wishing to hear from him or see him again. But when I do hear from him or see him again I want it to be like it was when we met. Real. Honest. Truthful. I wish so much to be able to hug him. I'd probably cry this time though. The last time I saw him I still had too much going on inside and I was really nervous and trying to be strong and brave yet I was scared and nervous too so I know I had some walls up. I think right now if he was in front of me and hugged me or held me I'd probably fall the fuck apart. All I can think of is him hugging me and me realizing all we've been through and how hard it's been being away from him and how much I've loved him and fought through this and... how much I've wanted him back in my arms. I wish I would have kept that in mind when I saw him again. I wish I would have just let him hold me and stayed quiet and snuggled up against him and told him in my heart that I trust him and believe in his love and to please just hold me and love me. I think back to that moment and I can hardly believe that after more than 30 months he was holding me in his arms again. Seems like a dream, or a miracle. More like a miracle I guess- a miracle although I don't know how it happened.
No matter how much added joy or love is in my life I still love James, miss him, think about him all the time and wish he was with me. I can't help it. I can't let him go, and it's still bittersweet. I hold him close to my heart. I speak of him with love. I just know that on some level he does love me, and he'd a wonderful person. Limbo is difficult. Lack of resolution does not work well for me. Yet all I can do is continue to love him, wherever he is.
I sure do wish he was here though, with me, us cuddling each other. I miss my friend. I miss my friend a lot. I believe we were more friends than lovers. We did make love but we spent much more time laughing and talking and kissing than being in bed. Not that making love with James wasn't great. It was. But we spent so much time talking and kissing (clothed) and giggling and walking hand in hand... it was all so sweet and friendly so I feel like my dear good friend is missing and it still breaks me up inside. I miss my sweet friend. I miss him so much.
I truly am thankful for all the blessings in my life. I tell God always that I am grateful. I feel like God is trying to help me- but still I surely wish I had my twin soul back. THAT is what I want most. I really do. What I want most is for James to be back in my life, here with me, my friend again. My active friend who I am can talk and share with and laugh with. Sex was not the most important thing in our connection- being intimate was. Closeness, kisses- long sweet kind loving kisses where the world slowed down and all we wanted to do was be close and connected through kissing. It hurts my heart, those memories. He was so so so sweet to me. Patient and kind. Loving and generous, and he was EXACTLY what I'd asked for, exactly. My Prince Charming. My fairy tale come true.
No matter what I still love James and miss him. I sure wish I could cuddle with him.
Friday, September 22, 2017
This video reminds me of James, his scientist nature. He shared these "Symphony of Science" videos with me when we were together and when I play them I can feel him and remember him strongly.
Oh my heart. My heart still aches for James. I still remember how sweet and patient he was with me, perfect. I know, clearly, that I will never ever love anyone else like I love him. A love where when I hear him say my name it sets me on fire. Where I hold on to his every word. Where I can't wait to see him again. Where I count the moments until we are back together. I fell so hard for him and loved him so so so much- and I know the way I felt about him I will never feel for anyone else, ever.
I tell the universe I am thankful for all the love I have in my life. I know I am loveable, and I am loved. I do love myself and I want to be happy and enjoy life- I do appreciate my blessings. But MY GOD what I do not understand is why is my twin soul not in my life? When I want James so badly, why can't he just be here with me? My heart... still longs for him.
I am here to tell you that even if a really wonderful sweet attractive love comes to you- you won't forget your twin, and it won't replace the fire and passion and excitement and deep love and affection and connection you feel with and for your twin. It just won't compare. It might be lovely and sweet and a blessing in and of itself but it won't be the same, and it won't take away the ache or the sadness. It might add joy- which is always appreciated. I am made to give love. I also like receiving love but I am a born nurturer. I like to take care of people and love them. When I have a lover in my life I am kind and gentle and caring; it's just who I am. When I have no outlet for that love it can really suck. I don't mind sharing love with someone I care about, someone who really needs it, but still what I have found is my heart belongs to James, and I think it always will.
Weird. Again I am working to be as light and love as I can. That doesn't mean my heart isn't aching. I have love in my life, happiness, and it's really nice. I am thankful for that love and added joy, someone treating me well and maybe being a reflection of why I truly am. But I know in my heart that James loved me too the same way, and still does. And that is what bothers me so badly- because I still love him and miss him deeply. I ache to speak with him. I want to talk with him! I want to share truth and talk and be normal like we were. I want to have a conversation with him where it is obviously all REAL. I want that so bad! I still miss him desperately. I miss my love and my friend.
I think having someone to love and watch out for and take care of right now helps keep me soft inside. This man I care for, D, is sweet and vulnerable and he was struggling badly before we started spending time together. Last night we watched a movie together and he was super tired and his head hurt. I could tell how tired he was and he asked me if I would be willing to rub his temples because his head was pounding. I told him yes and that he needed to lay down and go to sleep; I said I'd see myself out because I wanted him to go to sleep. As I was rubbing his temples he was falling asleep and he said, I'm sure without realizing it, "You are so much like her." I told him today what he said and assured him it was okay. I asked him if his wife had been kind, gentle and loving with him and he said, "Yes very much so." I told him I was glad to know that she had loved him so much and taken good care of him because he is a really good man and I know he was a great husband to her. *sigh* I know this sounds super duper fucking CRAZY but his wife told him she wanted him to meet someone kind and good after she was gone, someone who would love him. He told her that wouldn't happen for a long time, if ever, and he couldn't handle talking about it. She told him, "Yes it will happen, and it will happen quickly." Well God knows I did NOT go looking for this, and I wasn't thinking of being with anyone else. So maybe I'm meant to be the one who cares for him and pulls him through. I told him I will always know him no matter what, and I mean that. I have no idea what the future holds but personally I know what I want my future to be. I still want to be with James in the future. I can't help but feel that way. We had no ending. If he is truly my twin soul then I'd think some day I will hear from him again! But maybe for right now somehow I'm supposed to love and help this other man. I just don't know what else to think. I still have my dreams of the future but I do have a lot of love to give, and this man needs some love so... it works out. Loving someone who is actually here with me being a part of my life and me being a part of his helps me stay feeling loving.
The opposite of that is loving someone who is somewhere else, somewhere I have no idea, no contact with that person beyond "spiritual energy," missing him dreadfully, crying all the time, aching, missing, longing, feeling so lonely, having no adult male to talk to, staying isolated and alone most of the time, masturbating and crying afterwards from being so alone and aching for the one my heart cries out for- is fucking Hellish. It makes me angry and hard inside. It makes me absolutely hate God. So maybe that is why I met this man. Why it can't just be James is a question I don't have the answer to. But it's someone loving, kind and good who is "of the light" like I am. And I don't feel so alone. And I have someone I can be loving towards which is really an important aspect of life for me. As well as being loved in return.
I am trying to find the right words to explain how I feel. I love myself a lot. I love myself a TON. I have fucking fought like a Lioness for FOUR YEARS to try and get through this separation and somehow "allow James back to me." And for whatever reason that has not happened. But I tried so hard. I've fought loads of fear, and I have loved James a lot. Yes at times I was terrified of him, of the mirror really. I thought bad things. I repeated shit I should not have. I basically manifested my worst fears and none of it felt good. Now I can see what I did- but it hasn't changed. And I don't feel like I deserve to be alone and hurting all the damn time. I AM a very loving woman, and damn do I adore James and wish he could be in my life!!! I wish I could make him dinner and cuddle him and shower my strong love and affection on him! I've wished for that for a very long time now. I just want to be able to love James freely, show him love, be love for him. But he is not here. And I love myself enough that I'm not going to turn away from having real genuine love in my life right now (that I did not go looking for!) even if it is someone different. I deserve to have a dose of happy in my life- and while I feel strongly that James loves me and wishes he could be here- I can't properly deal with being alone and sad all the time. I have tried. I've suffered actually. I've hurt so much that I want to die. And I love myself so much that I do not want to feel that alone anymore. I still miss James. I still feel this sadness because he is not here. My heart still longs for him. It is two separate situations and experiences. But having some love in my life does help me not sink down deep into despair. And I also know that my love and care is helping this other person.
One other thing I've learned about myself is that four years of being alone and somewhat isolated has made me majorly independent and non-clingy. I am so used to being alone, and I respect myself so much, that I will only share my time and/or affection with a person who totally resonates with me, someone who supports my higher good, someone who truly "feels good" to be with. I will be with someone because I 100% want to be in that person's presence, because I genuinely like or love them, not because I don't want to be alone. I'd much rather be alone than spend time with a person who feels even one drop less than right and good to me. That's a pretty cool place to be.
That is where I am right now. I still wish and pray to hear from James. At this point what I wish for is to speak with him honestly. I get so very frustrated when I think of the silence and BS. Because I don't feel like it should continue. I feel like me and James deserve to be honest with each other. I feel like I've earned that! I feel like we should be able to talk, like my energy is okay enough for us to be able to come together to at least talk honestly. I am not hiding shit. I have been totally fucking honest in every single thing I've done here lately. I won't hide or be scared to share my truth or my feelings. And if James did reach out to me right now I'd be fully honest with him too, not trying to hide anything. But I feel we need to talk. I know he cares about me and always has, and I care about him too. I WANT TRUTH. I will always hope for, ask for, pray for, that truth. I do still love James and miss him a lot. I am trying to stay very loving and kind inside and eradicate any crap energy which means I need to be very grateful for the love and blessings I have in my life, and I am. I just wish along with all of that I could hear from my sweet lovely little twin soul again. Nothing can really take away the longing I feel for him although I love him unconditionally whether we are in contact or not. No matter who I know or even who else I love- I just feel like my heart will always belong to him.