New Year Thoughts

As it grows closer to midnight here on New Year's Eve I wanted to get some of my thoughts down into my blog.  I am very blessed.  My friend and mentor just sent me a "happy new year!" text at the stroke of midnight where she lives in The Carolinas.  It feels really good to know I am one of the people she would choose to say hello to at the new year.  She has been with me through my entire Awakening, came to me not on accident I am sure!  She just wrote "Love ya bunches."  I am loved- and I am grateful for that fact.  I am also a very loveable person and I really have to know this and not doubt it at all {as an aside one of my cats, my fat older cat who doesn't normally play, is volleying one of my son's small toys across the hard wood floor and it is quite entertaining.}  I still sometimes worry that there is something wrong inside of me causing Joron to be separated from me, like my love really IS tainted or something, and I know it isn't.  I know that was all me being taunted by my own energy and fears, and I really REALLY need to look those fears hard in the face and get over them.  I have to own my truth now or else lies will rule my existence, the mirroring will continue, and my twin will stay silent- and that is not at all what I want.

One thing I cannot lie about is I miss him.  Badly.  I do have some sorrow inside because he is not here, and it bothers me.  We had no ending {because we were not meant to} but for love to just fade off, or seeming to fade off, is pretty damn scary.  Limbo is not fun.  We were only love to each other though, only ever love. The only chaos we had was orchestrated from above, and it kind of disappeared as time went on, like magic.  Nothing about this is real but the love {and that is so hard for me to write.}  All the rest of the silence and crazy emails, etc. are mirroring, and I really don't like it.  I have to deal with it and realize it is a result of my energy and not his intention though.  I honestly do think, still, that it is Higher Will working through him due to how strange those messages have been.  Some have fear and love both mixed into them at the same time as if to show me my fears but also let me know he really does still love me. But it can be very confusing.  Those messages hurt, and it would be difficult not to let them affect me at all but I am trying to just KNOW what they are showing me so I can move forward.

Joron always tells me that I am sweet and loving.  Genuine he once said.  Wonderful.  He told me in June that when we were together I was sweet, loving and fun to be around and that was most important.  This was in the middle of a very strange email exchange we had the day we reconnected after ten weeks of silence, after I thought we would reunite but we did not and he went quiet for a long time.  In that exchange it felt like he was pushing my buttons, egging me on and being a bit mean and finally I cracked and said so.  I told him that I felt he forgot who I was and was being deliberately hurtful and for what reason?  He wrote back and told me that he did not forget me.  It was a very very strange email exchange and I know why.  I had not dived deep down yet to "know" him again inside so I was getting mixed energy from him.  But he did say he knew who I was, that I was loving and kind and fun to be with when we were together and that was most important.

So I look back to that message and realize that yes, we were both very loving and kind to one another, and we wanted to be.  Neither one of us want to be anything less to each other, even now during the separation.  Joron is quiet right now, and has been for months.  The silence does not fare well with me.  I am human and my patience has a limit.  I don't do well with this whole "divine timing" thing.  The unknown worries me.  I like to feel like I have some control, something.  I am not good at total surrender where I hand it over to the divine, go bake some cookies, get a puppy and move on with life knowing that one day God will drop Joron in my lap.

I don't feel like if I don't want it then he can come to me.  I feel like I have to want it, need to manifest it, and must believe in the man he is for him to come to me.  And I have to believe that I am worthy of it.  This has been over a year now and I am seriously just tired.  I try not to be in ego.  I try to believe.  I try to be eternally grateful for knowing him because he not only showed me the greatest love of my life but through the mirroring he cleared up any doubts that this magical other world might not exist and reside only in my head, and through the harsh and intense mirroring he helped m stop drinking.  He showed me I cannot lower my energy with my vices, and I cannot be an alcoholic mother.

I keep having gross sexual dreams, and I would like for them to stop.  I won't go looking for love or affection online or anything like that.  And if/when I do I get hit with these dreams, and they gross me out.  Knowing Joron has also shown me what real good pure respectful huge love is, and I only want that kind of love going forward.  I've had enough bullshit in my past that I don't need any of that empty crap.  So I wonder if my guidance is trying to remind me of this with the dreams.  They are always either someone new or someone from my past that feels icky to me, wrong.  I wake wanting to shower and wondering WTF?  I have not dreamed about Joron though and I really wish I would because I am having a hard time remembering him, really feeling him, again.

My personality type, my sign, just me- I am not made to be alone.  I know this.  I am meant to have a strong mate in my life, and without that kind of love in my life I do not run at optimal performance. Everyone around me is either engaged, getting married or pregnant.  And here I sit praying for this man to come back to me.  I do not want to be alone for much longer.  I really do not.  I just try to keep reminding myself of how different I am now than before, remind myself that this journey had to happen for me to really see who I am.  I am not alcohol that is for sure.  I feel SO much more cleansed than I did before I met him!  There is no comparison whatsoever.  I am not the same person from back then although my heart is the same.  I loved then how I love now.  My love has always been good love but I had more fears back then.  I still have some fears now, and I have to get through those fears.  The longer it takes the longer Joron will be quiet.

I don't want to be tested from the divine.  I really don't, and that is one of my fears.  My own energy scares me now.  And I have strong energy, and the more he stays quiet the harder it is for me to keep my energy in check.  I had to turn off my email on my phone and ipad so I am not always seeing that I have no messages.  We rarely text at all but I figure since he has in the past if he is supposed to contact me then he will text me.  I really miss Joron and the silence, the stillness, never will feel good.

Silence will never be golden for me because we are supposed to be communicating.  Like tonight- and last year as well- we should be wishing each other a happy new year, or we should be together right now.  But all I can do is sit here and write about him.  Try to stay positive.  Try to know that "God" is watching out for me even though lately I don't even really know who God is any longer.  I thought I used to- now I don't.  I feel like there is something up there which ensures we are responsible for our own actions, the guides us strongly and yes tries to keep us healthy and out of trouble.  But I used to feel confidence when I prayed to God, and now I don't really.  I don't know who I am praying to.  I felt better when I thought there was this father figure watching over me, hearing my prayers and "helping" me.  I don't know how to explain it.  Now I feel very pressured to stay calm and balanced because it is not God who creates my life but me, and for some reason that is not only daunting but it makes me sad- like a child who finally realizes there is no Santa.

I'd like to know more about God, more about what guides and protects us.  My guidance sometimes just seems to have a means to an end for me.  I try and tell myself because there is a really awesome destiny out there for me that my Higher Self is trying to get me to so I can have my bliss.  But sometimes I feel like I am on a tireless journey to nowhere but pain, and I don't want to go any further.  I am tired.  I no longer want to be a single mother.  I want a full-time father figure for my son who loves me and him both, and I did feel Joron was going to be that person.  I feel he still can be but one thing God must know about me is I am like Doubting Thomas.  Jesus let Doubting Thomas stick his fingers in his wounds in order to clear his doubt.  I will never get to a place where I know with 100% certainty that Joron is my future.  If that blocks us from coming together then I guess God expects more from me than I can give.  Maybe my life was hard enough, and my experiences so over the top painful, that deep down inside I can only give so much.  I feel that God wants the best for me and will bring me something good.  God knows I am trying.  But to sit here, hug my son, and know for sure that Joron is coming back- I can't say that I do.  I wish I could, and I want him back dearly, and I can pray for it, manifest it and dream about it- but I would not bet my life on it, and I think it would be unfair for God to expect that from me.

I can live holding on to that dream though.  I can feel free to dream, to think we are meant to be together.  I can do that.  I can buckle down and find it inside myself to TRUST the man he showed me.  I can strip away all the mirroring bullshit and own the loving man he showed me he is without worrying that the monster is really him.

I gotta tell you- this believing stuff is not for the faint of heart.  Honestly. Believing in all of this is so not easy for me.  Believing that this man still loves me and is truly a good-hearted man through all of the mirroring is a real bitch.  But I am trying.  That is all I can say.  It has been a horrific experience for me, and there is no denying that fact.  I can't sit here and try to be positive by saying I have enjoyed it.  I have not.  I am afraid.  I am afraid that he is gone forever, and God refuses to budge right now by throwing me a bone.

Just a bone.  Just a little word of warmth to let me know he is still out there somewhere thinking of me.  Something.  I really could use something.  Working on nothing but faith is not my most favorite state of being.  Especially when his last messages to me were not really him, not the man I knew.

I do have blessings in my life that I am grateful for.  I really do.  I feel kind of guilty because I have a decent job that brings me a good income yet I don't care much for it.  I do care about the people I work with and the mission of the university but I don't care about the work I do.  I try to care but I honestly do what I have to to get by- and you want to know why?  Because as a single mom with my own home to take care of, a five year-old son for whom I try to be the best mom I can be, and trying to survive a twin soul separation that feels daily like my heart is being ripped out of my chest because I don't know when I am going to hear from the love of my life again, I don't have much of me left for a full-time job too.  So I do what I can.  Honestly I wish our systems would collapse already and we'd all be thrust back to pioneer days where we live together in peace and there was less stress than this chaotic existence in the rat race society we live in currently.   It is tiring.  My boss seems to think that my "career" {and it is a job to me, not a career} should be the most important thing in my life and it so isn't.  He seems to think we all should love being there and not want to take any time off, and I live for my time away from work.  So it can be a chore balancing "real life" with this... alternative life I live.  I feel like I am balancing two different lives, and it can be a real challenge at times.

I try to remember to write out my blessings and stay positive because we all read where we have to be in this place of pure unconditional love for ourselves and our twins to get to reunion.  Well let me tell you- if I did NOT love my twin soul unconditionally then I would be out of here already.  I would NOT have this blog, and I would NOT be battling to make this happen.  HELL NO.  Some of the shit he's slung at me has been really hard to get past.  I am still struggling with it but I do not have anything less than love for him.  I wish him only the best, and I hope he is happy tonight.  Staying safe... although I wish we were not apart, and I wish I felt free to text him happy new year knowing he will respond.  I just email short messages and hope that one day I hear something in return.  It is useless to freak out when I obviously must not be where I need to be for him to "feel" me and want to respond. I have to trust that when I can finally shift whatever needs to be shifted he will contact me no matter how long it has been.

So maybe this is not the most "rah rah rah!" positive glorious New Year's Eve posting but it's all I got.  This is one Hell of a journey.  The harsh mirroring makes it very difficult for me not to fear this man, and that is my bottom line.  I am really trying to work past the fear because if I fear he is a monster then I will be shown either quiet or the monster, and I hate that.  He does not deserve it, and I am trying to keep my emotions towards him tempered so I do not assault him with my energy.  I want Joron happy and healthy but I want ME happy and healthy too.  Yes- me.  I want to be happy, blissfully so, without having to constantly TRY to be happy.  I don't want any more heartache or feelings of loss.  That is my wish my new year- true full complete happiness without needing to try for it, and this means I want my twin soul back in my life fully and completely.  Totally.  And soon.  I will do what I think I need to to make this happen.  I deserve that love in my life.  I love this man with all my heart and know we should be together.

The only resolution I am making this year is to beat my ego and do the work necessary to get to reunion.  I am already a good mom and honestly not much else in life matters to me.  I love my family and friends.  They matter to me.  My child matters to me.  Joron matters to me.  My child and my family and friends are already in my life.  Joron is not so by default getting through this with him is my main priority, and I don't want to feel guilty about that or like I am co-dependent or weak.  But I honestly have no desire to write a novel.  No desire to make jewelry.  I don't really even read for pleasure {I'd sure like to find a good book that kept my attention though!}  Since Joron separated from me back in October 2013 this twin soul experience has been at the forefront of my life and it doesn't seem like that will change or that it is supposed to.  Now I just want to get through it and to the other side because I have to be able to move forward somehow.  Standing still is killing me.  I want to find that man standing on my doorstep one day soon, all the love he has for me flowing back into in, fully "on" and wanting me back in his life.  THAT is truth.  The rest of this is an illusion.  If it were not for this twin soul thing between us then we'd already be married, if this was "just" a soul mate experience.  He'd be in my arms right this moment.  The mirroring is brutal, energy exchange.  I pray to temper myself fully so we can come back together.

To my twin soul, where ever you may be, I wish you well on this new year's eve.  I love you.

To my friends who read this blog- best wished to you in this new year 2015.  My prayer for all of us is that we are soon reunited with our Beloveds and in the mean time stay strong.

Feeling Guilty Or Weak over "Wanting Love"

My Destiny

This is a repost of a blog from Random Acts of Transit.  I love her blog.  She's great.  She walks a different path than I do and I love her insight.  This blog post hits me hard, and it is not surprise that I found it because I have the same issues as the person who asked the question.  One of the reasons WHY I tend to feel guilty is because of all the shit I read out there from people who say "it's only for healing" and "unconditional love can't mean romantic love" and blah blah blah.  All these "spiritual" people say "But you ARE love so you should not NEED love."  Well I know this.  I don't need love.  I am a functioning member of society and I don't "need" that romantic love to exist.

But I want it.  I do.  And I can't deny that fact. 

BUT I've always had this insane fear that my soul chose to be alone, in the end, this lifetime so anytime I feel strong love then Spirit will want to snatch it away from me and make me learn from suffering and getting used to being alone.  Forever.  So I LOVE her response!  It is perfect!  It is OKAY that I want "real love," and I do want that love I have with my twin soul.  Here, in the 3D not only in the spiritual realms.  It's okay for me to want that.  I don't have to feel guilty or weak for wanting romantic, wonderful and RIGHT love in my life.

This is something I must get past.

http://zingara84.tumblr.com/post/102598111827/hi-laura-ive-worked-really-hard-to-shed-ego-and

Anonymous Asked:

 

QuestionHi Laura! I've worked really hard to shed ego and judgement and just be at a quiet place through my tf path. I'm really happy! However, putting so much focus on becoming committed to myself has made me feel guilty about wanting the love & attention from TF in physical. TF & I are chatting again but I feel guilty about wanting more because it seems counter productive from everything I've been through. Any thoughts why I feel this guilt? It's like 3d vs 5d... Thank you! xo  

 

Answer:

 Ah, Anon, it’s great to hear that you’re in such a great place right now!  Enjoy it!  But you feel guilty — why, really?  Guilt is an entirely useless emotion.  It serves us only insofar as it may signal that we can do something differently, more lovingly in the future, and maybe also that an apology is in order.  But beyond that, what?
What you’re expressing to me is that you feel guilty about wanting love.  WE ALL DESERVE LOVE.  WE ARE SWIMMING IN IT!  =)  Perhaps part of your path (actually, this is part of EVERYONE’S path, at some point along the way) is simply learning how to be at peace with acknowledging that yes, you do want love in your life, you do want deeply loving, mutually enriching relationships, and that is OKAY.
I’m not sure what you’ve been through that makes having a relationship (with him?  with anyone?) feel counterproductive, but if that was the case in your past, remind yourself that you’ve changed.  Nothing is to say that a relationship — the right relationship(s) — wouldn’t be nurturing and beneficial to you now, at this new stage.
None of this is to say that you’ll make peace with all of this and then instantly BOOM twin flame reunion; that has its own divine schedule, so relax about it.  I really strongly feel like twin souls aren’t “in charge,” by and large, of “the moment” when it all clicks into place (as we don’t really seem to be in charge of most of the moments when things click, to that end…).  But still, it’s worth exploring this guilt — from a detached, self-loving, self-accepting perspective — and questioning where it comes from.
What made you feel like it was not okay to want love?  What made you feel like self-care, internal balance, and deep relationships/love from external sources cannot coexist?  What makes you think that love from another person would upset that great balance you’re rocking right now?  Why would it have to?
One thing to remember about guilt:  there’s nobody “out there” or “up there” who is punishing you.  Nobody’s looking in on you from Spirit and saying, Aha!  This one wants love!  This one has come so far but, alas, now craves a loving, nurturing relationship!  What a failure of priorities!  We must not allow this to happen!
That is absolutely not going on.  Ever.
Ever ever.
If you feel connected to Spirit, why not converse with Spirit about this?  Question where the guilt is coming from.  Ask for some indications (Spirit’s great at bringing “signs” and other messages) as to why you don’t need to feel guilty.  Ask for Spirit to illuminate for you whatever your internal blockage(s) might be that are contributing to this feeling right now.
I’m sorry I don’t really have the answer to this, Anon, but I hope those ideas help point you in a happier direction.  In the mean time, just keep enjoying your communication with your twin soul and being grateful for having him/her in your life.  Wishing well, sending love and light, being grateful for the chance to nurture and honor them, etc.  This is not something to feel ashamed of.  This is a gift, and the universe delights in our gratitude and joy when we are given a gift (Because we are the universe… creating gifts to give to itself!  Every experience a wonder!).
Have your feelings, and do not judge them.  Everything will be illuminated and work itself out in time.
Hope that things keep going great for you and your twin, my dear!
Sending love and light,
Laura

Getting in Touch with Higher Self

I read a really weird article here: http://humansarefree.com/2014/12/why-i-am-no-longer-light-worker.html

It's a commentary from a person who no longer calls himself a "Lightworker."  You'll have to read it yourself, and I will say it's a bit different and weird.  But he {I assume it's a he for some reason} talks about duality and light versus dark, and how there is both out there and we need not fear the dark or feel like we are in "battle" with the darkness.

Normally I would read something like this and think it is insane but there are parts of this that really really resonate with me.  He says we need to strengthen our connection with our Higher Selves.  He says that most "angelic" channeling cannot be trusted, and you'd have to read the article to see why.  I am not at all suggesting that angelic-sounding channeling is wrong, bad or untrustworthy.  Not at all.  What I will tell you is there have always been aspects of this spiritual "New Age" movement that have given me pause.  Even in the twin soul experience.  Allow me to explain if I can, and this will seem very rambling.

I read channel after channel after channel that says change is coming.  It's right around the corner!  There will be an Awakening and we are going to shift into 5D.  Some people feel we will make an actual shift and end up in a different world.  Some will be left behind.  I just don't know about that.  These channelings have been happening for decades and here we are in the midst of worldy chaos; the race wars seems to be getting stronger in our own country, people everywhere are suffering, and it's just not pretty.  These angelic channels tell us many things, and some of it is varied but much of it is the same, and some of it does come across like we are going to be "saved" from the other side.

I do not believe this.  I do not believe that there will be a "Rapture" where Jesus comes down to earth and separated the good from the bad, the wheat from the chaff.  There really should be no polarity if you look at it- there should only be souls having experiences: some "good" and some bad, some even very bad.  Like the light cannot be light without the darkness.  How did Hitler happen?  Was he evil?  Is he in Hell with "the devil" or did his soul have a purpose in targeting a group of people for annihilation while spreading hatred and separation?  Did his name live on in infamy as a warning to all of us never to get to that place of lack of unconsitional love again?

I digress and am moving all over the place but there is this idea out there that we are in a battle between the light and the dark, "Lightworkers."  Seen from the persepctive of twin souls supposedly we all have some lofty "mission" we must accomplish.  It has to be highly spiritual in nature, and it must help people the world over.  Yes I am being a bit sarcastic but there are websites and "gurus" out there saying that all twin souls have this lofty mission and I just don't believe that.

Falling into this belief that we must fight the darkness, and believing, hoping, that one day there will be some sort of spiritual "rapture" where all of us who are "light" will be whisked off to another world does not settle well with me.  This article talks about channeled beings of light, like angels and the like.  The article is skeptical about them saying that they are actually just another way to keep us in control but seemingly by the light.  I really have no comment on that beyond this:  I have always always felt I hear my Higher Self and nothing more.  My link to God.  My God-essence, my soul.  I don't get flowery messages that play in my mind.  I use my pendulum and am given solid advice about my life and how to progress through my own personal healing.  Rarely do I get channeled messages specifically for other people, and all of my advice is mainly lessons given to me through life and Higher Self. 

I have friends who insist I have "guides."  I don't believe so.  I believe I have ONE guide, my Higher Self.  Yes it may be guided by an oversoul or something like that but it is my personal opinion that I am not guided by angels or guides or anything beyond my soul.  It doesn't really matter though because if believing I have a spirit guide helped me- then Higher Self would manifest itself as a spirit guide, and I've had this happen in the past.  Spirit guides are easier to believe, EXTERNAL guidance, instead of believing that I am guiding myself, just from a higher more all-knowing plane of existence.

I sleep well, usually deeply.  I do not dream about Joron.  I think once I did, and it was nice.  I saw his smile again.  But I do not have these gut-wrenching dreams like other do, and honestly I am glad.  Maybe it is because I refuse to let him go so he doesn't have to come to me like that as a reminder.  I don't know.  But never have I felt like I've went to battle during the night, fighting the darkness.  I do sometimes feel healed during the night but nothing more.

Call me selfish but I like to externalize what I learn.  So I write it here for others to read.  I know it is helpful because I have STRONG lessons- I have a strong soul.  My soul lessons are intense, and this twin soul experience has been intense.  It is my divine role to share my truth because I firmly believe it is truth and can help guide others who are willing to suspend disbelief and listen {and believe you me I have a hard time with this myself so I am not coming down on anyone for being unable to do so.}

I do NOT feel like I am in a battle between light and dark though.  I do NOT ever feel like my guidance expects me to treat it like a deity or worship it or be afraid of it.  Actually it is opposite.  I have been told by my guidance "I am not to be worshiped or feared so just stop it."  I've felt in the past that I have been "punished" by my guidance when things go badly for me.  When I act out, even just energetically, and then something shitty happens.  Like the time Joron said he was coming home then I didn't hear from him for a few days.  Now I'd been through this lesson, oh, about fifty times with him already, and STILL I allowed ego to take over.  Instead of whipping out a pen and manifesting him as a good person, I feared him, thought he didn't love me, got SUPER pissed off inside, and flopped into bed after flipping off God and saying, "I don't fucking need this shit!  I'll just turn off my email because I don't need to be pathetically checking my email every five minutes if he doesn't want to write to me!  Fuck it!  Fuck you all!"

That is what my energy was as I fell into bed.  Five minutes later Joron emailed me five times, each one increasingly stranger, shittier and totally NOT instigated by 3D meaning I'd written nothing at all via email for him to respond to.  It was all my energy.  He actually ended up writing, "You could have had me forever but you're ___ that's why!  Lose my contact information!  Don't you ever contact me again!  You can go fuck yourself!"

Now now now... most people would have been immediately up in arms PISSED off at him, retaliated by telling him to fuck himself too, and it would have exploded in a shitty battle between ego and Higher Self.  OR some people, my old self, would have thought "Oh my gawd GOD is punishing me for being a shit!"

But NO NO NO.  It was my own energy coming back to slap me in the face.  I did it to me.  ME me me.  Do you see?  I was being shown that I don't have to worry about "God" punishing me because I very clearly reap what I sow, and I am being shown that if I sow shit then I will reap shit.  And that shit does not feel good at all, and I have no one else responsible for that shit besides me.

And what does this do for me?  Torture me?  Make me suffer?  Well kind of- until I am ready to face it and CHANGE it.  I am supposed to change it so I can progress and be forced to RAISE MY VIBRATION.

See raising my vibration will change my world and my reality for the better.  It will draw my destiny and my dreams to me because those things I desire all vibrate at a high level since they are all GOOD dreams.  The GOOD stuff vibrates high- WE have to vibrate high to match up with it, to allow it to come to us.  We can't have it if we are stuck in a low icky dark dull fearful vibration full of alcohol and smoking and empty guilt-ridden sex, anger, shame, resentment, jealousy, greed, etc.  And THAT is key to all of this healing.  We MUST heal and raise our vibration, and from there we must try to understand we ARE creator beings who manifest our own lives.  Yes I can teach others and be a guide and help, and I already do that here and in my other real life away from the computer.  I treat my son like gold so he grows to be a loving member of society, happy for himself and others, creating good energy wherever he goes.  That is my duty as an awakening mother.  But when I raise my vibration I change my reality.  And *I* can then shift.  Me.  I can truly only shift myself though.  I can help teach others how to raise their vibration but at the end of the day it is up to us each individually to change, heal, progress and raise our vibrations.

We have to want it.

Do you follow me?  No one is hurting me, punishing me or torturing me.  I am not expected to pray to angels {unless this helps me, raises my vibration through faith and belief} or revere a spirit guide.  What is expected of us is a thankful appreciative tempered patient attitude... why?  Well I believe in God enough that I believe God should be respected.  That is my old Christian upbringing coming out in me, externalizing God entirely.  But REALLY the reason is because when we have that calm appreciative demeanor then we get it in return.  It is as simple as that.  WHATEVER works for us to raise our vibration is what's RIGHT.  It is individual and "God" does not care what it is- just do what feels good, keeps you happy, and raised your vibration!

For someone like me this means I have to go inner and respect my Higher Self as the energetic part of me that knows what's up.  I need to listen to my smarter self, lol.  I do pray to God because I like that energy.  I've known it.  It keeps my heart open... but honestly I know *I* create my own existence.  ME.  I am expected to by my Higher Self.  I don't have to pray to God really since I finally realize that power is in me just waiting to be believed and tapped into.  I do not need to worship and angel, and VERY important- no guidance EVER will ask you to worship it or revere it or be scared of punishment, ever.  If you are channeling a being that expects to be worshiped then you are channeling your fearful ego, not The Divine.  Always know that.  You are asked to be respectful SIMPLY because that energy is mirrored back to you!  Not because some mighty God-like diety expects your obedience and belief.

Do you understand?  If you are shitty to God then that energy will come back at you.  But if you are shitty to the cashier at Walgreens then the SAME thing is going to happen.  And if you are shitty to your twin soul then watch the fuck out because as your biggest mirror you ARE going to get hit with your own shit, and it ain't gonna be pretty.  It's going to feel like... shit. 

You reap what you sow no matter if your energy is throw up to God or if you stomp on an ant in anger.  It is ALL energy.

If I was an Atheist who had a strong moral code as a human, who relied on science and found the universe to be awe-inspiring, who loved nature, who was healthy and kind and loving... then it means NOTHING if I did not "believe in God."  Absolutely nothing at all as long as I was staying healthy, loving and keeping my vibration high.  That's an Awakened being right there, no belief in God or spirituality necessary, loving herself and loving humanity just as Jesus {Love} asks us to.

All these different beliefs... the serve to either increase our vibration or sadly to decrease it too.  Man found a way to manipulate our beliefs to thrust us into fear and shame and guilt using a mean angry punishing old testament biblical God as the catalyst, and that is sad.  Very sad.  Shame and Guilt and Fear keep our vibration low and you know what happens then?  We are easily controlled.  We become sheeple lead around by the nose, never thinking for ourselves and we CREATE more shame and guilt and fear because we are creator beings.  So "The Man" wants to keep us down and under his thumb so we never raise our vibrations- so we never vibrate ourselves right up and out of this Hell on earth we have collective created.

Fear does this too.  Fearing God.  Fearing that you MUST attend church or else you'll be punished.  Fearing that you must pray to Arch Angel Michael or else you might crash.  Never ever fear, and don't feel that God "expects" you to worship or be in fear.  Respect and love yourself because you ARE God. You are a small slice of the big pie of God.

*sigh*

But back to the article.  I can see where much of the spirituality movement has turned into a pseudo-religion, this fight between the light and the dark.  It is not necessary.  Both the light and the dark is inside all of us, own it.  Just know that we need to vibrate high and love ourselves and others.  But we are not here to wage some kind of battle.  That is energy-stealing too.  We are here to be souls having a human existence, always personally responsible for ever growing stronger and more self-aware.  One by one as we each awaken we "shift" our own realities.  I do believe that is what "The Shift" is all about, more and more people awakening, little by little, but Higher Self is pushing harder and harder as the energies around us increase.  But we can each only change, ultimately by ourselves.  No one can do this for us.  No shaman, no reiki master, no psychic can change us- only through listening to Higher Self and learning from our lessons, becoming more and more aware that our every single though, belief, intention, word both spoken and written, CREATE our very lives.  THEN life will shift.  Only then.

I hope this ramble has made sense to some of you.  I do not think the twin soul mission is some huge lofty goal between each set of united twin flames.  No.  I think it is both people becoming healed and whole enough, knowing their creative energy enough and owning it, to come together in love.  Yes they can teach others how to heal.  I want to do this, and in part I already do even though I am not reunited on this realm with my twin soul.  He is with me in my heart though, *right here,* close to me.  He has been a huge catalyst of change for me.  I could not be here, more aware, without him.  We will be together one day in all ways, romantically too ;)

The reason why it is a challenge for twin souls to reunite is due to that mirroring concept.  We, twin souls, have to be fully healed, gutted, cleansed, etc. in order to share physical space together, even a connection from a distance, since they will always be our mirror.  Any chaotic fear energy will keep them away from us.  Not everyone on earth has love relationships like this.  This is why others can marry and be together much more easily than us.  They are on a different path where they do not need to be fully healed in order to be in relationship.  We, twin souls, have a different path where we MUST be the front-runners of learning unconditional love for self and others in order to be together.  It is what it is, and not many people go through it.  We do because... I dunno.  Our souls are strong and felt we could make it if we try and give it our all.  We all are hard lovers too- we love hard, and that love inspires us to keep working at it until we come to reunion with the love of our lives.

But again- do not give your energy away to some channeled Diety, angel or guide.  That is NOT expected from you of The Divine.  Actually it is becoming more and more of my belief that we are all guided by our Higher Selves and we need to learn to trust ourselves more, our God-selves.

Just some thoughts before the new year.

XXOO  

"The Runner?" Lee & Sherry Explain...

If you are having a separate thought process in your head besides what you are showing your twin then you are a runner.  If you are wearing a mask then you are a runner.  What did I do?  I loved him but feared my ass off.  Those two energies don't work together, love and fear.  They repel each other. They can't exist in the same space.

Lee says that when one twin goes quiet and shuts all communication down they are the "Standing Stiller."  Not "The Runner."  They explain that the runner and chaser is often the same, and this is SO true!  I would want Joron to return and then when he would I would run energetically.

"The Runner" is not the person who leaves and goes quiet.  I have some ways to go before I reunite with my twin soul.  I know this.  But I do have to admit constantly hearing about "But he ran from me because he couldn't handle the connection!" makes me laugh now.

No- he didn't run because he's broken and couldn't handle the connection.  Lee and Sherry told me I was the runner when we spoke on the phone.  Much of what is out there about twin souls is just not right.  The runner is not always the man who leaves and goes quiet.  They reflect us.  It's not fun, and it is highly unbelievable I know but NO- I really wish all this teaching about how the runner is so weak and running from the intensity would just stop.  It's not right, and it really throws off the learning that needs to be done when all the blame is put on the person who either leaves or goes quiet, or both.

I am tired of running.  I'd like to attract him back but not run next time.

 

Entities or Shadow Side?

My monster.  Whew!  I've had to face my shadow side over and over again throughout my spiritual awakening, and I am a work in progress.

At one point in this journey I was certain I had a demon with me.  This energy would beat me down with my fears.  It would poke me in the back.  It terrified me.  This all happened after I was told over and over that I was of the Light, God Energy, and that God loved me so much.  But I would deny all of that good stuff and cling to this idea that I was a terrible horrible shitty person.  I defended the darkness inside of me and defied the Light.

And one day the darkness was thrust into my face and it scared the shit out of me.  My shadow side had started emerging badly, and I could not get in control of it.  I didn't know why I was doing stupid shit like giving some strange guy a blow job- like being a whore but for free!  I look back and still can't quite understand why I did the things I did.  They were icky and did nothing for me.  I mean I didn't even get any sexual gratification out of them!  I look back and think- did I think I was asserting my sexuality since my ex-husband was not attracted to me?  But ugh- it was just not right, and I am thinking some of those things affect me still today.  I have to cleanse myself of them though because I am VERY very different now and I will not go back to that low place ever again.

But let's talk about "entities."  I thought I was being "attacked" by a demon.  Now though, with clarity, I see it was either a guardian angel {maybe Arch Angel Michael} or a spirit guide {doubtful because it was so strong} or it was simply my Higher Self in disguise.  I am to the point where I think I've always been lead by my Higher Self and it just packaged itself in whatever way I needed at the time.  Spirit knows what we need when we need it.

It felt like a demon because it had to show me all of my darkness so I could face it.  So the "entity" was actually my own darkness coming to the surface.  There was NO demon.

Now fast forward to after my twin soul separation.  Through Joron I became very sexually cleansed. He waited to be intimate with me.  He showed me that *I* was more important than sex, being with me.  Respecting me.  Loving me.  He was very insistent that he would wait, and it took ME taking him by the hand, smiling at him and saying "Are you ready" and then leading him to my room in order for us to make love for the first time.  He literally refused to budge.  Would not make the first move.  Would not push me in any way.  But he wanted me; his desire for me was strong but not stronger than his intuition.  He KNEW I needed the healing, the wait.  He knew I needed to know that he found ALL of me {not just my nether regions} alluring.  Not just sex.  Something about that was a very important step in the process of realizing my worth.

After we separated I was tempted to date on more than one occasion.  He grew so cold and harsh that it scared me and I thought he didn't want me anymore {even though my guidance told me otherwise.} We ended up on the phone once and his love was apparent but still the quiet and cold scared me.  He seemed like he was almost possessed at times!  But then my energy would calm and he'd soften.  It is quite a dance but back then I didn't get it, not quite.

Finally we had the "I'm coming home" and he wouldn't show.  My spirits lifted then slammed down over and over.  I was torn between "Is this guy a demon in disguise?" and "Is this really my erratic energy being mirrored through him?"  It is SO easy to blame all this on our twins!  Our mirrors- none of us like looking in the mirror; sometimes what we see is SO hard that we just cannot accept it at all.  It is also very easy to think we are being attacked by dark energy or entities.  I don't think so though.  I think it is our own dark energy, our shadow side, being shown to us through the union in many different ways.  They promise to come home but then we can't get it under control so they stay away and what do we think?  We think, "Oh there must be an entity keeping twins apart!"  NO- it's your own shit keeping you apart!  Own it!

June came around and I could not control myself.  I went out one night and was drunk before I even left even though I'd be guided plenty of times not to drink.  As I walked past the bars I was thinking, "Fuck this!  I am tired of staying faithful and celibate to this weirdo.  He doesn't love me.  What am I doing?"  Then I thought about my single friend, one who is going through her own journey of finding herself.  I thought that the next weekend when I did not have my son she and I would have to get together and go out to the bar.  I felt very icky and dark.  I wanted to meet some random hot guy and be naughty.  I was all like, "Hey I'm pretty- I want some male attention!"  I wanted to get laid; it was like I could literally FEEL my shadow side rising up, my demons rearing their ugly heads.  I walked past a bar and two guys walked out and started talking with me, being flirty.  The cute one was married and I thought, "Of course he's fucking married.  Of course!"  Now this was after asking Joron is there was a future for us and him telling me yes- but that damn quiet, the silence in between our talking, would freak me out.

Next day I was drinking again, pretty tipsy by 5PM, and my son was home observing me.  Real nice, right?  I was SO angry inside.  Pissed off.  Drinking.  I grabbed a drag off my sister's cigarette while bitching on the phone to my girlfriend about Joron.  I was mad about being ignored!!!  So pissed off about being overlooked, let go, rejected.  But I would NOT claim his love for me.  I refused to believe it.  I refused to create the energy through writing like my guidance told me to.  Instead I sat on my ass and fretted then resorted to hitting my vices in order to escape.  I told my friend, "It feels like he hates me!"  I hate this god damn ignoring.  Maybe it's time for him to just let me go already!"

Talk about "demons."  Entities.  Darkness.  Just then is when Joron sent me two emails.  I had not heard from him in a week, and the last time we'd talked we ended the conversation with "I love you" but these messages were SO horrid and lacking affection or love, hitting all my fears, that it seemed like HE turned into a demon.  His words were terrifying to me.  He never said "I don't love you" but his words insinuated that he could care less about me, that I was only a human sex toy blow up doll to him.  He wrote that he was coming home and wanted to just fuck me, nothing more.  And he was VERY explicit about it.

And it hurt the fuck out of me.  It slapped me awake really quickly, and for the record my EGO FIT and letting my shadow rule me has affected this union ever since.  We've never been the same since that point.  Up until then we'd talk on the phone and reconnect and since then it's only been mirroring.

I was tempted to think he was just a demon.  I was tempted to think he'd been possessed or dark entities were attacking our union.  I was SO tempted to blame everyone but ME.  And oh it was ME. It was MY energy.  Here I was going through a winter of purity.  Healing my shadow.  Healing all that icky sexual shit I'd done to myself, disrespecting my femininity.  Knowing him had been healing and loving and wonderful, and here I was thinking I wanted to go out and get laid.  Turn back to dark empty vices...

One of his messages said, "You are so beautiful and sexy.  You could fucked any time you wanted to so I'm going to come home and..." Fill in the blank, lol.  It was NOT pretty, at all.  And it did scare the shit out of me.  Quite literally.  I have not drank or smoked since, well I've smoked once and took two sips of alcohol while in ego fits since then.  But I refuse to cave to my demons.

Anyone else would think dark entities are attacking us, keeping us apart.  My energy has been so hard to cleanse and heal that it seems like darkness is stalking me but I don't think it is!  I really don't.  I think it is my own shit coming to the surface to be healed, exorcised really.  My guidance hits me with my own energy through my twin and it hurts like Hell.  It is scary and... none of it is real.  It is an illusion.  FEAR is an illusion.

A few weeks later he reached out after I prayed very hard.  He said, gently, that he was coming home soon and he wanted to see me.  He said, "No, not wanting sex."  So right there Spirit was shifting things around to let me know that the earlier messages just were not real.  No demons.  No dark entities.  No evil twin.

Just me.  My own shadow side being shown to me before I lost control again.  I would much rather have Joron hit the shit out of me. my mirror showing me my reflection in a way I could not ignore, than end up in the back seat of some random guy's car, drunk with my skirt up around my waist getting fucked.  Know what I mean?  Had I got to that point then I would have wanted to die.

I know it sounds so vulgar and wrong but it is truth.  There are no dark entities stalking us.  It is just the shit inside of me being brought up so it can be addressed.  Vices being cleared, cleansed.  Being shown my own darkness FEELS like what I imagine a dark entity would feel like.  It is not fun but it is the twin soul process.  No one ever said it was easy.

But for God's sake quite blaming your shit on "dark entities."  People who know me in real life think I am very sweet, kind and patient.  A good person who loves herself.  No one out there would have had ANY idea that I would be tempted to treat myself so badly.  It surprised even ME!  So yes- all of us, even those of us with ten years of deep spiritual teachings under our belts AND guidance straight from above, even WE have a lot of inner demons we need to face.  Don't blame it on external entities or an "evil twin soul."  It's just US.  Me.  You.  Being cleared.

That's my two cents.  Take it or leave it.  I know though that there are no demons on my ass.  Only my own shadows being healed through my lovely little darling twin.  I appreciate him more than I can often allow myself to accept due to my screaming ego.  I'd be back in a very dark place without his mirroring me.  I long for the day when I am cleared enough that he reaches out only with the true love he has for me.  Until then...

Demons.  They are inside us- not outside.  Face them, clear them and say GOODBYE to them forever.  We can accept that we have a side of ourselves that we don't often share with the world.  I am very sexual.  A bit naughty, lol.  I have an active imagination in all ways, and I have a healthy appetite for intimacy.  BUT- there is nothing to be ashamed about my sexuality so I must embrace that "naughty" side of myself with no shame.  I also need to keep it balanced and in check though. Joron and I had a great balance in all ways, bedroom included.  The shadow side is not all bad as long as we KNOW it, integrate it and don't let it control us.  Soul needs to be charge, not ego.  And demons DO need to be let go, for eternity.

I could never have seen my demons so clearly without knowing my twin soul.

Button Pushing

When we dated Joron pushed my buttons.  I remember one time he even chuckled and said, "Oh I'm just pushing your buttons."  Then when we separated and I was told from above that he is my "soul twin" I started researching.  And I clearly found information that says they will push all our buttons. He did, about religion.  He did, about God.  It was a way for me to understand that I did not need to be defensive about my belief.  He was respectful but he did push my buttons.  He forced me to become more patient and understanding about differences.  He's quite a character, my little twin soul. He has a lot of life in him, bigger than life.  High energy.  Good energy.

Then after we separated he pushed even more of my buttons but in a different way {Justin Timberlake's "Mirror" just started playing lol.}  He's pushed them all through fear.  Through being my mirror but he could not do it until he left and moved 2100 miles away.  As he wrote not long ago to me, "It's easy to talk shit through email."  He actually said something harsh but then said, "But you know that's not really me.  I am still the man you knew.  I am just so full of shit.  It's easy to talk shit via email."

Right.  Because Higher Self was reassuring me- this is not really your sweet boyfriend so defend love already.  It would be much harder for him to do this to me face to face.  I'd not be able to handle it.  I don't think I could survive my twin soul being so harsh to me in person which is why it is so cleverly orchestrated via email, where it seems more detached and impersonal.

I am working hard to defend love.  I don't care if I have to write about him ten times a day from truth and love.  It is what I should have been doing in the first place but I would not listen.  I will admit that now I am TRYING.  I am tired of the quiet.  I miss the button pushing when we dated.

I wish he could push my buttons again like he did back then, and push other things.  LOL.  I miss him one every level, button pushing or not.  They are SO not just being assholes when they push our buttons, even if it seems like it.  Know they are being nudged from above to bring our issues to the surface by poking our most sensitive emotional spots.

They will push our buttons hard.  They are supposed to!  They will bring to the surface everything that bugs the fuck out of us, and it's meant to happen so we can see those things and clear them.  Just know that.

Damn button pushers, lol.  I miss my button pusher.

"You are, you are, you are the love of my life."

QUESTIONING Your Twin Soul/Twin Flame

Okay so this may sound like a really ego-based blog post but it is not my intention at all.  There are things I battle with in this twin soul union.  I don't like the silence because I want to hear from my twin soul.  I love him.  I miss him.  I want to share and talk and be one again.  For this reason the silence really bugs me.  I have not had a real conversation with Joron since the middle of June.  Since then we've only had very strange "mirrored" conversations which I do believe are more between myself and my Higher Self working through him than me and Joron, the man I dated.

I have a point in this.  I will admit I read Spiritual Forums from time to time.  I used to post there until my Higher Self blocked me from being there.  I read a post this morning from someone asking about the strange silences between he/she and the twin soul counterpart.  We twin souls all know that silence don't we?  Most of us go through it and it can last days, weeks, months or years.  Some of us actually see one another and drift back and forth and some of us are separated by not only silence but miles.  With me and Joron- when he is "gone" he is GONE.  He is 2100 miles away.  Silence between us means there is NOTHING but me writing to his soul, talking to him through my heart and hoping it's real and he can hear me {which quite obviously he does.}

I had a friend from SF, well I still consider him a friend, who used to read my blog and post and email me.  Nice guy but VERY very stuck in 3D.  Unwilling to accept that in a twin soul situation HIGHER SELF is in control, not us.  Let me repeat- Higher Self is in control, not us.  When they go quiet it is because Higher Self {soul} is controlling the union.  I have seen this happen between me and Joron over and over again, and I always know when it will happen due to my own energy.  I refused to question Joron over his quiet because why in the world would I?  I get all messed up in my energy and he goes quiet.  Then I would get balanced and he would come back, get closer. reach out with love.  Then I'd get scared again and he would go quiet.

To someone with less guidance and awareness it would seem like he is just torturing me or that he is unstable, unable to make a decision about the relationship, etc.  But I know this is not true.  He always told me and showed me that he was longing to share a LIFE with me.  But damn until I get healed and let go of fear that's not going to happen.  My fear, doubt, worry and my skepticism over HIM pulls him away from me.

So this friend from the forum, he kept riding me to "stand up for myself" and make Joron own up to his quiet.  I kept getting pushed in 3D to make Joron answer for himself, to defend myself.  Bullshit when it comes to the spirit world.  I actually spoke to a psychic and she told me absolutely do NOT question him because he doesn't even know why he does it so he will lie if I ask him.  She told me it was ridiculous to want to question him and she warned me not to,

Whenever Joron and I would connect he'd always tell me just how much he loves me.  I doubted it of course because that is my issue, doubting love.  But he'd tell me "I love you to infinity and back.  I'll love you for eternity.  I LOVE you with exclamation points!"  Even in the midst of this strange separation he'd spew love love love.  But see- I had to BELIEVE in the love for him to be able to express it.  When I doubted the love he'd go quiet or even worse... he'd get this eerie coldness that implied a lack of love {mirroring my doubt} and I HATE that shit.  Ugh.

But I knew better than to question him yet I let this friend from the forum convince me {my fault not his} to question Joron.  So at a moment back in June when I'd finally managed to get my energy to a point where we reconnected I emailed Joron and asked him for the first time since our separation if we could talk on the phone.  Usually I waited for him to ask me because it's energetic.  We talk when I balance my energy and get to a place of belief, when I "listen" to my guidance and trust.

Well well well.  Of course he was able to talk to me!  Higher Self knew I wanted to question him!  Higher Self was all like, "Fine!  Go right on ahead and question him and see what happens."  So I did.  We got on the phone and this man who always said he'd make me a priority and needed me in his life... ugh.  He pushed my every button.  I brought up the quiet for the FIRST time since we'd separated.  Intuitively I'd always known the quiet was caused by my energy and part of the process, not his fault so I never questioned him.  THAT was the best choice.  This time though I let myself be convinced that I was being a wussy in overlooking the quiet.  I asked Joron flat out why it took him so long to contact me.  *drum roll please*  He said, and it killed me, "I guess I'm just selfish.  Yep- I'm selfish."

So ladies and gentlemen this translates to "You are not important enough for me to contact you.  I am selfish and all my other interests come before you."  I also asked him, "Do you love me?"  His response in my moment of doubt?  "I love you as much as I could love someone I only knew for six weeks.  Maybe had I stayed for, you know, six months or something it would be different."

FUCK ME.  FEAR.  I was hit with my fears directly and immediately and I was being shown to NOT question him!

DO NOT QUESTION THEM!!!  You will not get any resolution and if anything you will get poked with all of your fears and it will set you back even more.

I am in a unique connection with this man that has NOTHING to do with him "learning his lessons" too.  It has nothing to do with me questioning him or showing him or getting him to own HIS shit.  NO.  It is all about me, and sorry if that sounds egotistical.  It's never been about Joron and his hang ups.  The man has sighed and told me how much he missed me.  He's gone all gentle and soft and told me, "I need you.  I need you in my life."  He WANTS to be with me but my energy holds us apart.  My healing.  It is not him.  And for many of us "stayers" they are showing us, whether we want to see that or not.

So go on and question them.  Fall into 3D and satisfy your egoistic desire to question their intentions and motives.  It will backfire on you because there are NOT normal "relationships."  My Higher Self was just waiting for me to get him on the phone!  And- the next morning when I woke up I was devastated.  Our call ended well.  I consciously apologized to Spirit and backed off on questioning him.  I was hurt by his responses and I knew they were lies through Spirit to push me.  To get me to believe and listen; those lies hurt and they ARE lies because Joron's truth would be that he does not want to be quiet and that he misses me and loves me a ton.

So again the next morning I awoke and I said to God, "God I miss when we used to say good morning every morning."  When we dated he always text me good morning, every single morning.  A while later I was dropping my son off at preschool and I was fretting.  How much does he REALLY love me?  Who is the real man?  Am I losing my mind?  WTF do I do???

And right then at 7:28 AM which is only 5:28 CA time I recieved the first morning text from Joron since he went quiet the year before.  He text to me, "Have a wonderful day my princess.  I love you with all of my heart."

Now THAT is truth, right there.  It can still be scary and this entire journey could test the patience of a saint, and it brings up our worst terrors but LOVE is truth.  I was NOT supposed to question him and in the end I let my doubt win and that really threw a wrench into our communication.

I let PEOPLE, real live 3D people, with their own doubts and fears guide me instead of listening to my own heart and guidance.

This old friend is still posting on Spiritual Forums.  He is a very big proponent of "Stand up for yourself" and "He's got his own lessons to learn" and "Just ask him.  Speak your mind.  Say how you feel.  Demand an answer."  AND NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKS IN A TWIN SOUL UNION.  If anything it is detrimental and will cause further silence and separation.  

Please realize this- I am DYING to write to Joron via email and pour my heart out again.  Not question, not ask, not anything bad.  I just want to spew my love and thoughts, and I might even do it. But I might not.  I might just open my private blog and pound out all my thoughts to him there because God knows he gets the message whether or not I send it via a 3D mode of communication.

I don't like the quiet and I get scared.  I am still working through my issues with feeling unloved.  I want him back in my life and in my arms.  I miss him and the ongoing silence is not fun.  That said, I also know it is not his choice.  You really need to understand that it is not their choice so there is no need to question them.  If your energy is not totally balanced and fearless then they will shift back and forth.  I don't have the answer.  If I could go back what I would do is when we'd reconnect I wish I'd continued writing out my feelings in my journal or blog to keep everything balanced inside myself during the contact.  So that is my suggestion to those who are in contact with their twin souls and hoping to keep the contact going with no more "running" {and I do not believe in running- we push them away through energy} you should write or heavily meditate or do art or something to channel your thoughts and emotions and TRUTH because this will increase the truth which is love.

Left to only our thoughts those thoughts often fall into disbelief and fear.  Then the energy shift happens and BAM they drift off, and you feel it happening, and it's torture isn't it?

This song reminds me of Joron and it's sad.  I've always felt him in this song.  "Say Something I'm Giving Up On You."  "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.  Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something I'm giving up on you."  "You're the one and I'm saying goodbye."

I have to own his love in order to have him in my life.  This song says it all.  I am the one who must "say something" but this does not mean in 3D.  It means through energy and for a writer like me this means to write it out.  Not for publication but to get the energy and truth moving.

There is another song though, not as sad as the other, that is from Joron to me, this one.  It says to be brave and get it all out.  Truth.  Not fear.  Only TRUTH and truth is love.

So again, do not question.  Do NOT listen to people who are so stuck in 3D that they cannot "see." They don't listen.  And they will stay stuck until they do listen.  I will stay stuck until I listen too.   That is fact, not fiction.  We are being asked to believe in a life beyond the veil.  I life where SOUL is in charge not us!  Not ego.  Soul.  Please do not question your twin souls.  You will know when the time is right to discuss these things, and I am thinking it will not be until after reunion once the soul merge has happened and all is balanced and well.  Until then you MUST treat this union gently, ever so gently, always.  Every thought you have about your twin soul should be gentle, and in those rare moments when you DO reconnect you MUST be loving, gentle, and in faith.  NO questioning.  The only time before that where I questioned him is one night on the phone he pushed me and pushed me to tell him what was on my mind, "Ask me anything" and I was inspired to ask him about this life in California we'd talked about.  I said, "Fine.  I'll ask you.  What happened to California?  Coming to visit you?  Getting married?  You being my son's step dad?  A baby together?"  He very calmly and quietly, slowly and specifically said, "Nothing has changed.  Nothing.  I feel the same exact way."

THAT is truth.  Do not question them about the silence or distance.  I promise you that you will regret it if you do.  At least learn from my journey.  I may not be reunited but I know why I am not reunited.  I SEE the mistakes I've made along the way due to letting fear take over, due to listening to people around me instead of listening to my guidance and my heart.  If you want to FUCK this all up then go ahead and question them and push with your ego.  Higher Self does not like this.  It shows that you are not listening or having faith.  It will get you nowhere but more distance and silence as Higher Self whisks them away from you, and sorry to tell you but it is a rare occassion where Higher Self will help us avoid pain.  If we are not learning our lessons, not having faith and listening, then we WILL endure more suffering, and none of us want more suffering.  So do NOT question or confront your twin soul! Try to have faith, gentleness and tenderness at all times.

It is a new way to look at life.  Trusting in God and energy and what we cannot see instead of relying on our own 3D manipulations and workings.  Writing in a journal instead of writing in 3D.  Touching them in our minds and hearts when we cannot touch them in person.  Our spoken words mean very little in these unions.  3D no longer works until we are connected again and even then we must be totally careful with the words and thoughts we choose.

We must become impeccably aware of our every thought, belief, action, words, etc. to ensure they are of faith, hope, belief, and LOVE.  And I am not the pot calling the kettle black; I will admit I am struggling too.  Why the Hell do you think I am not reunited yet?  Because I have my own issues I am working on, but while I work on them I can share what I have learned.

My God if you get the opportunity to connect with your twin then cherish it.  Let the past go and be in the right NOW with him.  Love him.  Be gentle and trust him.  Know you are creating your future right then and you can let all the past bullshit go.  Start anew right then.  Right then.

No doubt.  NO QUESTIONING THEM.  Just love.  Have faith.  Trust.  Remember we do have control in these unions because our twins become what we believe them to be.  They are love at heart. The baseline is love- always remember that.  But if you believe otherwise then you will get otherwise.  And if that is not the case for you then you are not in a twin soul union.  You may be with a strong soul mate but a twin soul union is rare, unique and very very mirroring.

Be brave.

PS... I Love You {Heart Opening}

I have not really watched many movies in a while.  Occasionally my son and I will watch a movie on Netflix but it is a rarity that I sit down and watch a movie.  I have a handful of movie I love, pretty much all chick flicks.  I've been thinking I need to work on opening my heart more.  I've been keeping it closed off quite a bit lately.  It is so so hard for me to remember my time with my James.  I block him out a lot.  I think "I love you" but I won't allow my thoughts to stray much farther than that.  And when I don't allow myself to think of James, the one I knew when we dated, then I fall back to thinking of him as a monster, the mirroring.  And I can't do that to either one of us.  I don't deserve it and neither does he.

So I sit here eating cookies watching chick flicks.  I am trying to let myself feel.  I have not allowed myself to feel in a while.  I love this movie "PS I Love You."  It is sad but cute and funny, a good love story.  The first time I watched it I sobbed my eyes out.  I was married and kept telling myself I was going to try so hard to make my already-failing marriage work.  How sad!  I so badly wanted to make it work but we were not meant to stay together.  Ironically my ex-husband looks like Gerard Butler. My ex-husband is a highly attractive man yet there was no chemistry between us: 6'3, 220 lbs, built, goatee, handsome face... strong, masculine and we were like oil and water, lol.

Then this 5'8, 160 lbs clean-shaven, slight Geologist walks into my life and turns everything upside down.  *sigh*  I can't get over him.  I did not miss my ex for one day after he left!  I was relieved. But James I knew for only two months and 15 months later I can't let him go.

I love love, and I love James.  I can live vicariously through chick flicks while I work on reuniting with my love.  I think it is good to listen to love songs and all the music that Spirit brings to us as communication from our twin souls.  And romance movies.  It is all heart-opening which is what we need- to keep our hearts open.  Never closed.  A closed heart allows for anger and resentment.  An open heart brings compassion and unconditional love.

I miss my love.  I think of him often and I pray for the moment where I get to look into his beautiful eyes again.

I'll love you until the end.

  

Addressing Emotions: Healing Anger, Rage, Resentment. Love and Truth!

I'm going through a very deep process of healing my ego and emotions.  Much of it means going inner and addressing "stuff" in my journal.  My blog has been more quiet and I try to figure out why I am SO angry at my twin soul.  I have allowed myself to be very mired in hurt and disappointment lately, and the more I feel those things the quieter he stays.  I don't like the quiet but it will not change until I do.  There is just too much inside me to write it here on my blog.  I am battling through the stages, and you can tell from my blog when I fall into ego.  I have been slipping into ego more and more lately and I just cannot allow myself to do that.  Why?

One thing I know without a shadow of a doubt about these twin soul unions is that "they" {the "runner"} the one who goes quiet- he mirrors us our fears and doubts.  Bottom line.  They are mirrors.  If it feels like your twin soul has turned into a demon it is because he is showing you your own shadow side and inner demons.  This is a process that can get very scary and hurtful.  That hurt I am feeling over the words my twin has sent me, and over his quiet- "ignoring" me, needs to be totally healed and purged.  It is what I am working through right now.

I can hold no anger or resentment towards him over what he shows me.  There is one thing I have managed to NOT do through all of that and that is I have never reached out to him in 3D with anger.  But I do in my head and that is just as bad,  ONLY love and compassion will work here.  ONLY.  And again this is why I need to constantly be writing love notes to his soul, crafting him songs, drawing him pictures, feeling him on every level.  We are told to see past our twin's human failings and speak to their "soul selves."  Well you know what?  My twin soul only showed me his soul self. He was a genuinely amazing man when we dated.  Only when he became my mirror did he "run" or send me anything negative.  It is not HIM.

One thing I will tell you I see all over the web is this idea that we need to "stand up to them" and stop taking the abuse and to walk away and to protect ourselves from our evil hurtful twin souls.  "They" are so fucked up and need to heal.  NO- it is YOU.  It is ME.  Only when we are able to totally take a step back and see that it is US being mirrored through them, only then can we begin to love unconditionally, take responsibility for our own fearful energy, clean it all up and then come back together.  If a twin soul "stayer" cannot get to this point then she will never reunite.  Bottom line.

If you are not a twin soul then maybe this process does not apply to you.  I am a twin soul.  My Beloved is my mirror, oh Boy Howdy is he my mirror and sometimes I do not like what I see.  I do not like to see my fear of love.  But he also shows me my perfections.  He tells me I am loving and kind and good and pure and genuine, and honestly deep down I am all those wonderful aspects.  Just on the surface I have ego-based pain and fear but that is not the real me, and Joron shows me this clearly.  I can't escape from my own shit.  And the only way I can stay "in love" is to write love.  Feel love.  BE love.  So I am doing it.

Go anywhere on the web and read about "twin flames+resentment."  Do NOT ignore what you find.  If you point the finger at them and refuse to see yourself in them then you are not learning.  I am having a difficult time with it sometimes.  I am not saying it is easy but I do know my dear twin soul is not to blame.  I have more trouble feeling his love.  That's on me and it is something I am working through more privately than here.  Here I just share this truth that we must realize they are our partners.  They help up even when it hurts.  *ouch*  It can hurt.  But these are all emotions we must look at and heal so we make room for our twin souls to come back to us.

Reunion is important.  These people are not thrust into our lives to hurt us enough that we heal and are then left alone.  No.  We are meant to heal and come to a place of pure love that activates the soul balance which brings us back together again.  So don't buy into the fearful hype of "cutting cords" and "detaching" and "moving on."  Do not run off to the arms of someone new UNLESS you are going to convince yourself that your twin soul is not the one for you.  If you choose via free will to honestly move forward and leave your twin soul behind as part of your past- then so be it.  Move on.  But if you know in your heart of hearts that your Beloved is your DESTINY and meant to be a part of your life, your life mate and love, then stay faithful to them no matter what it takes.  No dating.  No flirting.  No sleeping around.  No sex.  LOL- yes no sex.  Stay pure in heart, mind and body to yourself and your twin soul.  Some won't like that.  Some say we are meant to have more experiences with soul mates after meeting a twin soul but I don't believe that.  I believe our soul mate experiences that come to prepare us come before meeting THE twin soul.  Once that twin soul is in our lives- shit changes, for real.  No excuses of "Well it's a soul contract to help me through."  I just don't believe that.  I do not.  Once the twin steps in then it is time for change, and that means being strong enough to change ALONE.  Not in the arms of another.  Either deal with it or don't progress.  Let it take longer.  Distract with someone new.  Use another person's energy to help you heal instead of taking the straight road to go inner and face your shit alone.

It's how I feel.  It is not all about staying true to this other person.  It is about being strong, going inner and being true to YOURSELF.  I am in this to win this.  I am not in this to distract by turning to the "love" and energy of another man.  Joron has already helped change me, and he loves me.  The last thing I will do is cave to fear and resentment and passive aggressive behavior by being with another, dragging a third party into my rollercoaster ride.  No thanks- and what do I do in the end when my twin soul makes an appearance?  Reject him?  "Cheat" knowingly and willingly on the new man?  Be torn and afraid of the consequences of my actions?  Nope- I'd must rather just be with me right now until I can get into Radiance enough that my twin reaches back out to me.  I will face this shit head on and with no other man in my life besides my son.  That is my path and I think it is the path for most, if not all, twin souls.  It just depends on whether or not we are strong enough to follow that path of isolation and scariness while we work through all of our inner shit.  It can be a place of darkness but there is light if we allow it in.

I am seeking to push out the bricks in the walls that block out my light.  I am far far from perfect.  I share what I know while I battle to practice what I share.  Know I love you all and I wish the best for you in your journey of facing yourself through the mirror of your twin soul.  Know I wish that all of us will be reunited soon through healing, grace and love.

I love you.  God loves you.  Higher Self loves you, and your dear twin soul loves you- no matter what he is showing you at this very moment.  Go write yourself a love letter, and then write him one.  Or write one to your combined soul.  You are one and he is here to help you.  A helper, not a hurter. Know that.

Hugs,

Jenny AKA Rose

Merry Christmas

This song is for my James.  I love you and I can't wait until the day where we see each other again.  I know that day will arrive.  We are meant to be together.  It has not been easy and to avoid the pain, fear and uncertainty I allow my ego to rule me.  I try to push the "missing" away and in doing so my walls go up farther and stronger.  I really am nothing but missing you and loving you.

It is said that twin souls are not allowed to miss one another because it just shoots out this energy into the universe of "missing."  Well here is the deal: my love is not here with me, in my arms.  He was with me then suddenly gone.  I miss him.  I would not be human if I didn't miss him.  I want him here with me more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life, and that is scary.  It is scary to open my heart to something so uncertain.  I don't know my future for sure.  I can only dream and trust in God that my dreams are going to come true.  But I can't be afraid to dream.  I can't blame him for this situation.  I just can't, and I have been.  For all my lecturing and writing I still blame him for leaving me, and it's just not true.

I have to go deep inside and know my truth.  He loves me.  He loved me SO strongly, and this entire experience has been guided strongly from above.  I can only look forward and leave the mirroring behind.  He was so sweet to me when he was in my life.  That is truth.  He is a good decent loving man but he is used as my mirror, and I didn't expect that.  I was hoping for a nice boyfriend, someone who wanted to marry me and share a life with me.  I was not looking for the largest spiritual lesson of my life.

But here I am.  Lessons.  Soul progress.  I have to embrace it or say goodbye and I refuse to say goodbye.  I love this man SO much.  Just so much.  There is no letting go of that love, only letting go of the wounds.  The old wounds and hurts that cause me to doubt him and his love.  I just wish I could wave my magic wand and bring him back but it does not work that way.  I have to clean out my inner, and I am working on it.  There is pain here.  And I miss my love.  It is as simple as that.  I wish he was back in my arms, right now.  I wish we were exchanging gifts.

I wish... I wish.  I dream of the day when he slips a ring on my finger and asks me to marry him.  I love him so much.  I dream of him being my future just like he always says, "My Future."  He calls me his future.  He is meant to be my future.  I know he will be my future but I have to work through these blocks.  It's deep and it means I have to let go of any twin soul "teachings" and follow my heart which tells me to just HOLD ON to him and love him.

I'd much rather miss my twin soul than have resentment towards him that keeps my walls up.  I can't do that.  But I also can't jump around telling myself I am so joyful when I really miss him.  I know he is my mirror.  He will reflect whatever I am feeling although I know his truth is he loves me.  But we cannot get to that truth if I am not there too.  So I am working on really trying to gut myself of anything less than love- but I can't help but miss my James.  James.  That's his name.  I love his name.  He is my truth, my love, and my future.  There is no one else out there for me.

I am having a hard Christmas.  We lost my uncle this week and we always celebrate Christmas with my aunt and this uncle, her husband.  It's very sad.  This holiday season has not felt the same.  There is no snow.  It's been cold, wet, dark and rainy.  It's overcast and dull today too.  THANK GOD for my son.  My sweet darling son.  We had a lovely Christmas morning, and I am blessed enough that I was able to get him some nice gifts.  I love him so much, my sweetie.  I said to him, "I love you my joy" and he responded, "I love you my angel."  He is my soul mate, that little five year-old.

While driving yesterday I started to cry.  From the back seat my son said, "Mommy I want a step daddy."  I find that odd because his daddy has a nice girlfriend so I'd think he'd be talking about a step-mommy not a step-daddy when I am alone.  He said, "I want two dads.  A step dad and my dad." I said, "Oh yeah?"  And he said, "Yes.  I want James to be my step-daddy mom."

That cannot be coincidence.  I want James to be his step daddy.  He would be the best step daddy.  He wants to be PJ's step daddy.  He wants to marry me.  I know this.  James wants to have a child with me; he has all this time.  We are in love.  He is my future.  I adore him!  This has been one huge lessons but we love each other, and I honestly believe that one day we will be together, and God I pray it is soon.  I ache to look in his beautiful eyes again.  We are meant to be a family.

So that is my wish to Santa.  My one Christmas wish is for my dear, my love, my James to feel how much I honestly do love him.  I do not blame him.  I adore him.  He is only goodness and light.  He who dug around in his trunk to find golf balls for my son after teaching him how to mini-golf.  His own dad hadn't done that yet but my sweet boyfriend of five weeks planned a play date for us.  On his own.  He's such a sweetheart and this has been one rough lesson to own my truth.  But my truth is James is my angel, and I know I am a woman he wants to cherish and hold on to.  We totally love one another and one day we will be together and our love will shine for eternity.

I am thankful for my blessings of wonderful loving family and friends.  For the means to celebrate a nice Christmas.  I am thankful, I really am.  But I also miss someone to the depths of my very soul and I pray I hear from HIM soon.  From him, from my love.  He totally resides in my heart, always.

Merry Christmas to all of you.  I hope you all receive your heart's desire.  My heart's desire is to have my love, my James, back in my life in all ways.  I wish the same for all of you.

XXOO

Jennifer