Imagine Only Love.

I love James, always. Only love.

"Stand By You"

I've heard this song many times in the last months and yes, it's a great song.  Every time I hear it I think to myself, "Yes I am still in this.  I am practicing love.  I am fighting my fears."  I especially like the lyrics, "Even if we can't find heaven I'll walk through Hell with you."  I hear it and tell myself that I will get through this to the end, and I will always love James and believe in him.

Well the other day a friend of mine said something that made me think.  She told me he won't wait forever.  She made me feel like I am not doing "good enough" and I am taking too long.  And in all honesty I feel like I have worked very hard to get this far in my union.  I've stared some really deep fears in the face and said, "I do not believe in you."  Do I wish I was reunited already?  Yes.  Do I wish I could go back to August 20, 2013 and do it all over again knowing what I know now?  HELLS YES I do.  I'd go back and thank God a million times over, every single morning and night, for bringing James to me.  I'd thank MYSELF for "manifesting" him into my life.  I'd thank James for loving me so completely, so beautifully, so gently... so Heavenly!  I'd love both of us through and through.  I'd focus only on love and gratitude and I'd know, always, of his love for me.  I'd trust his love for me.  I'd revel in his love for me.  I'd ENJOY his huge ginormous beautiful sparking delicious love for me!!!  Oh God I'd make love with him a million times and each time I'd literally say, "Oh God oh God!" and totally mean it, oh God thank you for bringing this angel of a man to me!  Thank you to the universe and back down to my heart again.

*sigh*  If only,  right?  If only.  Of course I wish we were together right now.  But I was not ready then.  I was very sweet and loving and kind and gentle.  I loved him dearly; I really did.  I WAS entirely thankful to know him and have him in my life.  But I was skeptical.  I worried.  I questioned if he was truly as great as he presented himself to be... and I did these things because of past experiences not because James himself gave me any reason to do so.  I was scared and I had a very hard time believing that a man as absolutely divinely wonderful as he is could ever love me as fully as he showed me he did.

And now, almost 29 months later, here we are, still.  And when my friend said this to me it caused me some worry.  I do have a tendency to "run" in my own way, like I explained about talking to this other man recently.  That won't bring me closer to my twin but at the moment it seemed easy to do.  I've been without anyone physically in my life for a while.  I don't talk to many people, especially never men.  When an actually nice guy comes along it's kind of tempting to get to know him better.  But I know this is not the right thing for my union.  So sometimes yes I've let my attention stray, and I have... been shown the consequences in the past.  But right now I am believing through a lot.  And the silence can be a challenge yet I can see where I still do create the silence through some doubts I still have from time to time and from me talking to other men because I get scared.

I am the "lagging" twin.  I know James is out there playing his part while I work through my stuff.  And I am honestly committed to getting through this no matter what the "end" brings us because true love always exists, always.  That said- I don't want to feel like he is... upset with me or something because I am taking too long or holding us up.  I am definitely working hard to keep my energy focused, and I will continue to do so.  I am taking this very seriously, and YES I do pray often.  I keep God in my mind and heart and I talk to God a lot.  I am keeping all anger out of my being.  There is NO room for it, and no need... and no reason since I am the one who created my situation.  ME.

When I heard this song today I felt like maybe this is James' message for me.  Telling me not to worry, that he is here walking this with me and he will go through Hell with me because he knows I am fighting through a lot.  And he loves me no matter what.  And I am going through a lot.  I can't be hard on myself.  I just can't.  I've had so much from my past to overcome and old fearful beliefs to shake.  I've had to learn how to forgive myself and love myself the way I forgive and love others.  It's SO easy for me to love other people.  It's been Hell learning to love myself.  I love so hard.  I love James so much but it was impossible for me back then to think I was good enough for his love to last.  I knew he "loved" me but I was still afraid he would not choose me in the end, like his love would not be strong enough to choose me, and that is really a Hellish fear to always have inside.  It was a belief and fear that had to leave me.  I understand that.  All of that has taken a long time to get past.  Believing in him after he's had to mirror me so heavily has been a test as well, a test for me to always know only TRUTH and not cave to believing in fear.  I have to always know and focus on the truth that he loves me deeply, wants me back in his life, never wanted to leave me in the first place, is only doing his soul job with me, and he's the same kind, loving, caring, dear sweet respectful gentle person I shared blissful time with.  I understand, and I am working on it.

Really I am.  Every day I am.  If you honestly knew how much I've written you'd think I am utterly psychotic.  Journals and journals.  And here on the blog.  But it's been healing for me and it allows me to deeply track my moods, what I'm feeling and thinking.  I really have worked hard.  All I want is to see his bright shining loving face again.  Yes I want healing.  I want to be divine love.  I want to do whatever God has planned for me... but my own personal heart-desire and the dream I hold closest to my heart is to be with my Love again.  I know him.  So I am going to believe this is his song for me to let me know he is always here with me and he knows.  He knows I'm trying.  He knows all my scars and old shame.  He just knows my journey and what I've battled.  He knows I am Psyche who has been to Hades and I working my way through and out, upwards to the light again.  And he wants me to know he's always here for me, standing by me and he will always be waiting for me because he loves me through and through and he is my adorable and precious twin soul.

Stand by You

Hands
Put your empty hands in mine
And scars
Show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed
And the heart, sometimes it's unclear why it's beating
And love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
And oh, truth, I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith, I think faith is having a reason
And I know my love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
I'll be your eyes 'till yours can't shine
And I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite
Now when you can't rise, well, I'll cry with you on hands and knees
(Cause I) Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Love, you're not alone
I'm gonna stand by you

This cute little video has always reminded me of him.  I know my dear precious love is out there and he looks up at the moon and thinks of me, missed me and hopes for the day when he can see my sweet face again.  I just know it.  I love you, always, my sweetheart.  Thank you for doing this with me.  I love you for all you do for me.  I love you for being you.  You are precious and dear and sweet, like the little one from this adorableness below.   It's just as cute as you are.

XxOo

Pixar Short Films La Luna 2011

Goofball

James is a goofball.  He is silly.  Being with him was very fun and refreshing because he was totally friendly and funny.  He made me laugh.  I giggled a lot around him; he made me feel so young again.

He has a beautiful smile.  He smiled a lot when we were together.  We would kiss and kiss and kiss and then he'd pull back from me just a bit, make eye contact and then smile or something to make me grin and giggle.

Last year he sent me the last pictures I've seen of him.  In one of them he was being totally silly and it was a strong reminder of the cute and funny man I dated.  I was thinking of that photo this morning.  Seeing pictures of him can make me ache so I often simply rely on the image of him I carry in my heart instead of looking at actual pictures of him.  Thinking of the photo made me smile, and then this song came on the radio and I bawled like a baby.

This song means a lot to me in this journey.  I heard it early on and knew it was for us.  He cried when he left me.  We had a long goodbye although I had no idea what was going to happen between us.  I just thought my new super sweet adorable boyfriend who said he wanted to marry me was... going away for a while.  I assumed I'd see him soon.  I assumed I'd kiss him soon.  I assumed we'd be married and parents to our own child by now.

"Light up light up, as if you had a choice.  Even if you cannot hear my voice I'll be right besides you dear."

*sigh*  I miss him a lot right now.  I mean I always miss him because I love him so very much but lately it really is more of a pure clear love with no fear.  I know who he is, the endearingly sweet gentle man I dated.  I can't stop thinking of our memories.  We squeezed in a lot of love in the short time we were together.  As he said, "It feels like we squeezed six years of love into six weeks."  HE said that.  I remember!  We were sitting on my couch on our last night together, cuddling like we did every time we were together.  Sitting pretty much on his lap, his arms around me.  We were both kind of sad but still enjoying each others company.  But the energy was charged in many ways: sadness but also strong love.  And he pulled me close and said those words about squeezing in six years of love into six weeks- and he was being sincere.  We meant a lot to each other.  He treated me very well.  It is bittersweet.  I love our memories but at the same time they make me ache because he really was and is so perfect, and I miss him.  I miss him so so much.  I wish he was back in my life and in my arms right now.

But I know I have to remain consistent in my energy.  Love and goodness, always releasing ego to be filled more and more with love.  Funny I had some stupid dreams here lately.  One was about poop, literally there was this big huge pile of shit on the ground.  And last night I dreamed that I had nasty infection coming out of my body.  And I can only assume it represents purging shit out of me, shit and infection and dis-ease.  I am hoping it represents me cleaning myself out of any shadowy energies leaving space for more and more love to be grown, nurtured, cultivated, sown.  You reap what you sow and I want to sow only love.  I want to BE only love, first for me and then in the hopes that it will shift my energy and my twin can show me love again.  I pray, as always, that I still have the opportunity available to me.

I know I am meant to be Light on earth, and I am being conscious of this fact.  I really am working to scoop out any energy that does not serve me so I can be only love.  I know James is helping me with this by showing me clearly the things I need to heal and release.  He shows me my fears and disbelief or wrong beliefs so I can overcome those things and know truth which is always only love.  I know we have a strong cosmic connection and his energy is always with me.  But damn do I miss his human self with me.  I miss my sweet little Atheist Geologist boyfriend with his little bouncy step and always-smiling face.  I miss him activist nature and how passionate he is about education and being merciful, his attention for the environment and the earth and animals and... he has a soft spot for those beings who need protection, for people, children, women, animals, the environment- those energies that are often taken for grated or misused- he feels passionately about protecting life.  He is so awakened and aware and conscious and I love him so very much for it.  I knew he was special and I was right.  He is special enough to be my very strong twin soul.

I am at a point where I don't know when or if I will ever see his face again.  I have HOPE that I will.  I keep believing that I will.  I won't know until I can shift my energy and stick with it consistently.  But even in the "not knowing" I can say that I am thankful for knowing him and experiencing his huge love.  I am thankful, even though it's been rough, that he has shown me the shit inside of myself that does not serve my higher good or my heart.  He has done a lot for me and I love him for it.  I will always love James for all he's done for me and for the love he showed me.

But I miss making love with my sweetheart.  I miss laying beneath him and looking into his intense blue eyes while he moved inside of me, so passionate, so loving, so... good.  Amazing.  I miss his sweet tender nature and how he touched my face so gently before he'd kiss me.  I miss how we'd sit entwined on my couch for hours kissing.  He'd sit down and we'd have to find that comfortable spot to turn to each other and fit just right so we could be embraced all evening long just kissing and giggling and quietly talking for a moment before continuing to snog each others faces off.  And OH boy did we kiss.  I am serious- we are talking marathon kisses here, gold star kisses.  I've been with men before who are "good kissers" and soul energy was shared between us.  But there is a difference between those men and James, a big one.  Those kisses were intense and they lead quickly to "more."  I kissed them and it was physical rather quickly, like the kisses were only a warm up to being in bed.

With James it was so much different.  We kissed to enjoy each others presence and closeness.  We kissed to connect and be intimate together yet innocently.  Patiently knowing one another where a kiss was enough.  A cuddle felt perfect.  He would have waited forever for me and always loved me.  There are many reasons why I love this man, and why I believe in him and his love for me.  A big reason is because he did wait so patiently to make love with me.  Kissing me was enough for him.  As long as he could be close to me he was happy.  He loved touching me even if it was simple tender innocent touches on my face or arms.  He reveled in our time together.  He was so very respectful of me and protected my heart and body.  I LOVE that so much about him, and I always will.  It is a rarity in this world to have a man be so so so patient and understanding when it comes to being physical.  He made ME feel so special.  Another reason is because in the short time I knew him he made the effort to include my son in our time together and for that I will always love him.  I can believe him past the "mirror illusion" because he was so sweet to me, and he was very kind to my son.  It only takes one good experience, like him planning our play date together with my son, to know someone is a good man.  A loving man.  A kind man with a nature that is steadfast and true.  This is why I believe.  These are the things I hold on to when it gets dark and scary.  Memories like him loading us in his little two door manual transmission car, my son's huge car seat too, to take us out for the day.  I will never forget that day.  It is my most favorite memory of my life.  He did not have to do it because I'd already known he had plans for that evening so I assumed I would not be seeing him.  He took the opportunity to plan the day with us.  He asked me.  He told me not to get a sitter but to bring my son with us and we could all spend the day together.  It blew my mind.  His kindness and thoughtfulness took my breath away and stole my heart completely.  Watching him interact with my child, helping him and teaching him how to golf, is something I cannot ever "get over" or let go.  I will always love him for how wonderful he was to me, to us.

I wish I... had held on back then.  I wish I would have went home each night and taken out my journal and told God just how grateful and thankful I was for this amazing man who came into my life and fell so hard in love with me who wanted me to be happy and was so genuinely caring and loving and protective of me.  Who made the effort to see me.  Who was attentive and affectionate and wonderful.  I wish I would have just focused on all that was good and happy in my life instead of worrying.  I wish I would have listened.  I get very sad to know I could have avoided all of this and James could be with me right now.  I want him back in my life with all my heart.  I remember everything about him, all of his goodness and Light.  His smile.  His warm embrance.  His huge generosity and thoughtfulness in bringing me little gifts each time he came over.  I had it so perfectly good with him, my gift.  A treasure.  He showed me always how much he loves me.  He was proud and happy to show his love for me!  He enjoyed doing so.  He is a man who wears his heart on his sleeve and is thrilled to do so.

I.  Miss. My.  Love.  All I want to do is hold him again.  Kiss his lips.  Gaze into his beautiful eyes again.  I need no explanation.  No apologies, as if there is anything to apologize for.  There is not.  If anything I wish I could tell him how sorry I am.  Sorry for doubting him.  Sorry for turning away.  Sorry for being afraid.  But I can't beat myself up.  I was not ready.  It's taken a while, and I am still working on this.  Still working on holding on to truth and letting go of illusion.  But there is a lot of illusion to overlook.  I just tell myself over and over, "I know who he is.  I know truth.  I know he loves me and wants me back and aches without me just like he did when we were together.  Nothing has changed.  Our love still exists, and it is a true and beautiful love."

Yes, it is like living in my own little world.  But once you watch things change right in front of your very eyes and reality being manipulated- it IS like living in your own little world.  And I am okay with that.  I am okay with anything, being by myself, being celibate, being as loving as I possibly can be, writing my heart out every day, if it offers me the possibility of one day being with my Love again.  He means the world to me.  He is my universe.  I love him so deeply- it's a beautiful love.

The love we have for each other is a beautiful love, no matter the circumstances.

Oh how I miss you, my Love.  I miss you with each breath I take.  You are my everything.  You are my favorite goofball and I look forward to the moment when we can laugh together again, my friend.

4:30 AM

I was so tired last night that I went to bed early on a Saturday. I did not drink but I needed sleep. I often go to bed kinda early but I sometimes wake early. Like today I'm awake at 4:30.

Yesterday morning this time I had something strange yet divine happen to me and I can't really explain it. Its almost too weird to explain. Whatever is out there speaking to me, higher self/my guidance, soul, James... not always sure what it is but I know I'm spoken to, it uses social media to speak to me. Well Friday night I had planned to go to the coffee shop and write but I got distracted. Next morning I got an in my face sign and part of the message seems to be "Quit forgetting!" Now I am trying to understand what I'm being shown.

Distracted. What I had done Friday was talk to this old guy friend of mine who has been contacting me on Facebook. Not flirty just friendly but he wants to go out with me, and he keeps mentioning it despite me telling him I love someone else; he says we don't know what the future holds. He's attractive. I had a gigantic crush on him when I was like 16 years old and well he is still cute now too.

I ask myself why these things happen? Random people pop up. I know from time to time I get the energy of "I wish I had someone to talk to" and maybe that is why? Because I don't believe God "tests" us. Maybe I'm wrong. I like to think of these instances as "opportunities" to choose wisely and with awareness. Opportunities to climb higher and achieve further growth. Not tests. I do have to wonder why this attractive man who can date me is reaching out to me now of all times. But anyway I talked to him on the phone and mainly just listened. He's got things on his mind and heart. But at the end of our talk he said again we really should get together...

Then I went into the coffee shop and the guy next to me and the guy in back of me were both named James. I could not make this stuff up if I tried. I attempted to write a bit but was not feeling it. Later this guy friend called again for a bit and I went home. Tried to write but again just was not feeling it, fell asleep. Then the next morning this super strange thing happened and it admittedly freaked me out. Only way I can understand it is to know the divine took over and seriously told me "quit forgetting" and the only thing I can imagine it concerns is the fact that I was not focusing on James but on someone else. So I wrote to this other guy and told him again that I'm in love with someone else so I'm his friend only. Later he politely asked me about James and I answered honestly but told him it's not something I can really explain but that we spoke of a future together and I know James loves me so I choose not to get close to other men and I don't even talk to other men. He was understanding and he said "You are awesome. He's very lucky to have you."

And that made me cry. Because James used to tell me how wonderful I am and that he felt lucky to have found me. Yet now he's not here now and that can be challenging although I know full well he's not here due to me, not him. This other man is a nice man. He has a good heart and I can't deny that he's attractive.  In a twin soul union, especially once the devastating pain and fear disappears, it's not like all men are no longer attractive, some are.  Some are good guys who could be easy to date... if I did not have a twin soul somewhere out there who is holding out for me.  I am just being brutally honest- this man would be easy to date.  He says he wants to make me soup, lol.  He makes great chicken soup and invited me over to have soup.  I find that funny and cute at the same time, endearing.  So you see... he would be "nice" to meet up with and talk to.  A refreshing change since I am alone often.  He's at the end of a long challenging marriage that he's very very over and just wants done now. He lives with his sons. He's a good guy. Good loving dad. And after only talking to me a few times he realizes that I'm different than many women. I'm calm, considerate, friendly, caring, down to earth, no drama, and I listen.  He likes me.  He wants to get to know me better.

But there is this one little thing... HE IS NOT JAMES.  I have another twin soul friend who decided to start dating a man other than her twin.  I understand her desire to spend time with a man who can respond to her, who is always there, one she does like and is attracted to.  But she is still getting strong signs of her twin soul, and she does love her twin.  She is torn... and I can't imagine myself being with another man when my heart is so deeply with James.  I believe he is out there wanting to be with me and *I* am the one holding us back.  I can't be interested in "getting to know" someone else when I am on this mission. 

I am different. I'm not like the others, many of them. But see, James knew that too. And that is what breaks my heart right now. James truly felt lucky to have me, to meet me.  He told me so many times. He said that he wished for a woman like me forever and then he found me and he felt so fortunate to have someone so loving and understanding in his life. He said he finally found his perfect match. He said that only 1% of the female population could ever match with him and with me he found his 1%, his wife. The irony that he had spent years away but he had to come back home to find the right woman for him.

And as I've stressed on here already and other twin souls who've had the same experience as me know: nothing changed. One moment he was there telling me he still loved me and wanted to talk and then there was silence. We were very very much in love and that love still exists. Earthly circumstances may have changed. Contact may have shifted but the love and connection remains and I know it does for him too.

So when this other man reminded me last night "He's lucky to have you" I wasn't quite sure what to feel. I was by myself wishing that James was with me smiling and laughing and talking together. I was reminded that YES he had felt lucky to know me. He was happy to meet me and he was excited to have me as his girlfriend to the extreme that he was already talking marriage, wanting me to be his forever.  That is all TRUTH and he still knows and feels that I am wonderful and the one he wants in his life.

I am no-drama. I dislike chaos. I prefer a nice calm loving relationship. Passionate yes but passion can be created peacefully through gentle love. I'm genuine. All I want is love, nothing more. And James knew this.

I went to sleep knowing I'd clearly let this other man know not to expect to meet me because it cannot happen. I wrote for a while. And I woke up desperately missing James, wondering what "Quit forgetting!" means.

I pray daily. I talk to God all day long actually. Except for had moments here and there I normally think of God as my friend who is always with me. I don't necessarily "revere" God but I do love God. In a very familiar way like God accepts me always and tries to guide me in the right direction since God itself can't really create change for me; only I can do that. But I keep an open line of communication with God. So what was I bring shown with quit forgetting? It is not forgetting God since God is always with me.

This "quit forgetting" was in direct relation to James. As soon as I got the message I clarified the situation with this other man because I feel that it must be another reminder to love, always love and focus on, James. No one else. Quit forgetting my mission and commitment.  Quit forgetting to do my meditation and energy work.  Quite forgetting!  No more intending to have a moment of me-time to sit freely and write but instead talk to another man. Both men near me as I sat and didn't really write, after spending an hour on the phone, was named James. Coincidence? I think not.

You might not realize this but I really do want to listen to my guidance. This means focusing on James, his love for me, our happy memories and his good loving character always. That should be my priority. I believe this. No talking with other men. No doubting who he really is or worrying about his character or being skeptical about ANYTHING! Just full belief! Loving him fully as if loving him and believing in him and his love for me, knowing fully that he's an angel with full confidence in his love for me, is what I need to shift the energy balance and eventually see my Love's beautiful face again! Because surrendering it all over to "God" and waiting for it to all come together might not work for me and it would take ages Because I'm being asked to work with my positive belief energy and create with it.

I feel like my poor sweet James is out there holding on and wanting to be back with me. And he knows when I get scared and doubt him and his good intentions. He knows when I forget him and his love for me. And I want him to realize I DO take this seriously so I will continue to clear out ego to become only love, beautiful love which is already here inside of me. I only need to keep eradicating fear and doubt so my vessel is only overflowing with love and tenderness for myself, my James, God and then life in general. I'm closer than some but far from perfect. But I'm consciously working at it.

Sometimes writing in my journal can get a bit old so I do like to write here. I also created my own anonymous social media to shout out my feelings for him into the universe, all love. I imagine it shoots out swirls around getting stronger and then will make its way to him. But my focus must be on him. HIM, James. And yes it's okay for me to miss him and wish for him to be back with me soon. I'm not controlling how it happens. I'm throwing my dreams out there, like my dream of having him standing in my living room again, looking into my eyes As he reaches out to me for a huge never-ending beautifully healing and loving embrace. I have my dreams and I cherish them. My truth is life would be even more beautiful and blessed with James in it!! I want him here with me. I always will dream of having him here.

And I thank God daily for the wonderful experience of knowing my twin soul's amazingly sweet love while we were together holding hands and strolling along together kissy and close and loving each other. I'm so thankful to have experienced his sweet love. I look forward to having his amazingly gentle tender true love back in my life again.

I am free to cry. I am free to miss him. I am free to hug my pillow and wish him well wherever he is while knowing he's out there missing me and my kisses while also wishing he was with me. I'm free to feel what I feel and feeling love will eventually be mirrored back to me. But feeling love does bring me some bittersweet sadness because everything we shared was beautiful and I ache to feel his strong warm arms around me again. It is not like I feel he is lost or that I'm mourning the loss of our love. No! Our love exists but I AM human and I miss him. His self. His body and mind and sensitive words and deliciously blissful kisses! His gentle touch. His beautiful blue eyes.

I've wandered off too many times while going through this.  I get this huge sensation that he's out there like, "Come on already!  Quit forgetting me.  Quit forgetting what you need to do, what to focus on.  Quit leaving me behind."

I love him and I miss him. That's my heart. And I'm following my heart.

How?

How could I ever stop myself from "wanting" James?  Like wanting a future with him? He is my diamond sky, my universe, my one and only. Of course I desire a future with him!

How?

I read something today about the twin soul journey and only part of it resonated with me.  So many people say we need to "let go" of the desire for reunion and that our twin soul counterparts can only come back to us when we really no longer even want them.

This is not doable for me.  I will always want him.  I will always dream of reunion.  On my lunchtime walk today tears trickled down my face as I thought about all the dreams I have for us: being a family with my son, making a baby together, growing old together, road trips, making dinner together... all things TOGETHER.

But at the end this person explained that one other thing which must be done in the twin soul union is to let go of resentment, blame, anger, judgment, self-pity, despair etc. by feeling it and releasing it.  Now that is one thing I definitely agree with.  I absolutely am working on this, letting go of anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. so I can feel and be only divine love.

But this does not mean that I am as happy alone as I would be with James.  It has been almost two and a half years of this for me and my love for him only grows stronger, never lessening.  So how in the world am I meant to get to a place where I can feel this sense of, "Oh well if it happens it happens but if it doesn't then I am okay with that too.  I'm happy with or without him."

No!  I want him in my life!  I can release anger and resentment and all of that stuff.  I can work on avoiding despair.  I know we love each other.  But none of that makes me love him, want him or miss him any less.  None of it makes me forget how wonderful he is.  I don't think it is realistic to expect a twin soul who has had a deep intense real relationship with her divine counterpart to be able to let go of the hope and dream of being together again.  I realize it is more than "just" a relationship but... for me this more concerns being divine love, feeling all that love, than it does "letting go" of the desire to be with my twin again.

He is always on my mind and in my heart.  I fall asleep thinking of him and upon awakening the image of him whooshes into my head and heart.  And I don't even ask for it!  He is just always there.  I can't help it.  I do love him no matter what.  I will love James forever, no question about that!  If I can love a person THIS much after everything he and I have been through since he left then there is no doubt in my mind that I will love him forever.  My love for him is everlasting.  It is a huge, pure and unconditional love, and if you have not noticed my love for him is not dependent on whether or not he's currently here in my life.  My love for him is not dependent on... anything he's doing or not doing in his life.  I just love him because I love him.  Because I know he's an amazing person who was so so so good to me and my son and his presence blessed my life in so many ways that I can't help but adore him.

And.  As difficult as it may be- James has shown me what my anger "feels" like.  He has shown me that I cannot exist with all of that fear inside of me.  Really it is more fear than anger.  My anger is a byproduct of my fear.  It's borne from feeling rejected.  It is an unnecessary defense mechanism, like punching the doctor for giving me a shot because I feel like he's trying to hurt me.  So really James is showing me what... my fear of not being loved feels like.  The first two loving months we spent knowing each other felt so much nicer than after he left BUT this time that has come later has helped me see my shadow side so I can feel it and release it, and that had to happen.  So while it hasn't been all kisses and cuddled and proclamations of love {and oh his proclamations of love are so so so very sweet, genuine and endearing} I realize it's changed me.

I am not perfect.  I wish I could say knowing my twin soul and going through all of this has made me completely sober but it has not.  I am still battling to stay totally sober.  I don't really get "drunk" but I drink enough to... take the edge off.  I wish I could say I am going to be SO strong for myself and for my son to where I will never take another drink- but I can't promise that.  I DO wish I had him in my life that I could turn to and say, "It's much easier to stay sober with you IN my life instead of me battling my heartache and missing you every minute that I am awake."  It is NO excuse I know but I promise you I would not feel the urge to drink like I do if I did not miss him as much as I do.  I wish I could be "stronger" all the time.  Sometimes I am.  Sometimes I am not.  *sigh*  For a while I felt like I HAD to be sober in order for James to come back to me.  I almost... stayed totally sober out of fear, fear that if I took a sip he'd have to slap the shit out of me in some way.  But now I realize that's not it.  It was not my drinking that caused him to go quiet.  It was the ego-fits I'd have when under the influence of alcohol.  I'd drink and then get SUPER hurt and fearful and feeling like I'd been rejected by both him and my guidance and I'd lose my shit inside, have a huge ego-fit and THEN he'd have to mirror me.  And the alcohol totally helped me get to that place.  Back then I thought it was the drinking alone but I know it isn't.  I stayed totally sober for over a year and my twin soul did not magically come back to me because of it.  I am not saying me being sober for just ME and my son is not the reason why I should avoid drinking, mainly for me of course, I am only stating the facts: I stayed sober, diligently sober, and it's not like my "perfection" in my sobriety brought him back.  I just want to be clear here: I am not saying I think I need to avoid the bottle because I am hoping it will somehow bring James back, not at all.

Drinking is my own private battle.  My sister carries a bottle of Beam in her purse and drinks all the time and she's fine, thinks nothing wrong of herself, and she always tells me, "You're not an alcoholic."  I can sit down and have A glass of wine.  But... when I am sad I like to drink so it softens the ache a bit.  Nothing I am proud of.  Nothing I am "excusing" away- I am just saying it is definitely a challenge for me... and if I had a strong supportive husband in my life who knew, who I could totally and openly confide in and turn to for a little emotional support, it would be much easier to not drink.  Alone and aching, not so easy to stay sober or to not want to drink when alone.

Not so easy.

So I sit here and think about which battles to fight.  I'm so not perfect.  I am in the fight of my life to stay tempered and to gut all fear, doubt and the resulting anger that ensues from feeling fear and doubt out of my insides.  I want to be LOVE.  I might be sad or a bit lonely but being sad or a little lonely when all alone and missing someone I love is different than being afraid or angry over feeling "rejected" or like this is all unfair.

Does that make sense?  I will continue to try and be as strong as I can with my drinking.  I keep promising myself to not drink at all and then I break my promise and I feel like shit.  I feel guilty.  And weak.  I will not drink in front of my son.  But I feel like a hypocrite because I want my son to think I don't drink at all, and then I feel weak if I drink when he doesn't know it but at the very least I can try to be as smart as I can and not drink in front of him.

Man... I am doing my fucking best.

Do you know what I wish?  I wish I could talk to James again and he'd do one of those things where he'd ask me something really uncomfortable just so I would be honest with him.  But this time I'd take the bait.  I'd jump at the opportunity to say, "Yeah you know what- I really have a desire to drink and it's a fucker."  Like... I feel I could have A glass of beer.  I could go for dinner and order a glass of wine but it would be awesome to have that partner in my life who realizes I'm going to have only one.  Or none.  Who I could be SO honest without being ashamed.  And he tried to let me do that last year.  He had to push the shit out of me to get me to do it though.

If I had the chance to talk with him again I'd be totally honest with him.  I'd tell him anything I'm willing to share here on my blog because I know he loves me enough to accept me with all my "flaws" and imperfections and weaknesses and challenges.  It's just a real bitch not being able to talk to him at all.  I miss my friend.  There is no other person on the face of this earth I could not contact and speak with or get a response from.  And I want that with him.  I want a "normal" connection where I can reach out and he can respond.  I miss my friend.  I miss our talks and discussions.  I want the freedom to be honest with him, to confide in him, to be his friend and talk.  I miss talking with my friend.  As a human I don't think my desire to communicate with James through 3D words, actually talking with him, is wrong.  I'll always wish for the moment when I can have a REAL truthful honest chat with my friend and Love again, always.

At the same time if I cannot manage to allow that to happen yet, in the mean time I will foster a love connection with him via the ether, from beyond the veil.  I will love him through my energy as much as I possibly can.  I will love him not knowing... anything besides the fact that there is this sweet adorable little man somewhere out there in the world who holds my heart in his gentle tender sexy hands.

But I will always WANT to talk with him and see him again, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be through all this damn ache.  I am not perfect though.  The best I can do is work my hardest on being "love" but that doesn't mean I won't get irritated with life, and it does not mean I will always be strong enough to stay totally sober.

I have a weekend alone ahead of me.  My son is with his dad tonight and I have no plans.  That's always a bit of a challenge for me.  At least here I can pour out my feelings and share what is inside of me.  At the moment I think this is the only thing that is saving me, so thank you to anyone who is actually still reading my ramblings.  We are all in this together, and I appreciate you.

Jennifer

"Because I Love You"

This morning on my drive to work I kept thinking of something James has said to me in the past.  He said it a few times, always before he had to "disappear" again.  And it lets me know how hard this is on him.

I pray that I still have the opportunity to bring him back to me, to allow him back to me.  Because that is where he is meant to be, with me.  Together, on earth.  I feel we are still "together" in spirit.  Our love still exists.  We love each other.  The connection is all around us, in us, through us, linking us... forever.  Yet we are meant to be together here on earth, in each others arms.

The thing he would say is this: "I'm sad because I love you."

And then within a day or two he'd be "gone" again.  It always happened when I doubted, and then that doubt would make him have to go silent again.  It is one of those things that shows me the specific nuances and "divinity" of this connection because James KNEW when he had to go.  He KNEW it.

Do you understand clearly what I am saying?  He was telling me, actually telling me, "I am so sad because I really DO love you and now I have to leave you, again, and this is hurting me because I don't want to go.  I want to enjoy you.  I want to come back to you.  But now, because you are doubting me and my feelings for you, I have to leave again.  I am sad because I love you.  And now I have to leave you."

OH GOOD LORD.

I feel so... sad about this.  Just sad.  I feel like it's taken a while and our love is so strong and his desire to be with me has always been shown to me.  He has ALWAYS let me know, even through this deepest darkest mirroring of my fears, that he really wants to see me again.  That's bottom line: he's always wanted to see me again.

He told me once, "I can't ever go without seeing you again."  He wants to see me again.  As a matter of fact he's shown me that he is nervous because he NEEDS for me to get this so he can come back, and he wants to make sure that happens.  Meaning... he'd be sad to have to stay away from me when all he really wants is to "look into my beautiful eyes again," his words. 

I know he is sad to be away from me.  I just know it.  I've had people tell me I need to believe he is oh so happy right now.  But what they do not understand is I am shooting myself in the foot when I convince myself that he is content without me.  I can't believe that.  I pray that my twin soul, my sweetheart and Love, is safe and protected always.  But I can't sit here and say that I "believe" he's oh so happy without me.  I hope he is happy like I am happy- making the most out of life while we are parted from each others human bodies.  I want him happy and joyful yet I also know he is not as happy and joyful right now without me as he would be with me.  I know he wants me in his life, and his life would be more colorful, more complete, with me in it.  How do I know this?  He told me.  He told me, "I need you.  I need you in my life."

I was just too scared to accept it then.  Now I understand.  Now I see how I denied his love, turned away from it, disbelieved it, doubted it.  But I do know he loves me.  I know he does.  No matter the 3D circumstances I know we are still "together" and in love.  The love exists, and that is the important part of all this. 

The love.

I miss my twin soul's beautiful presence in my life.  I mentioned that a while back I experienced an odd conversation that I feel was him.  One of the things that was told to me we "Quit hiding.  He wants you."  And I keep thinking back to that.  I don't think I've ever been totally honest with him or myself about believing that despite appearances- he really does love me.  Like maybe I've felt I would seem whacked or delusional to actually fully believe that he still does love me.  But I am shouting it out to the universe: I know my twin soul loves me.  I know there is nowhere on earth he'd rather be than with me, and he would go anywhere or do anything to be with me. 

No hiding from me.  Only truth.

And man do I love him.  My hands miss his hands.  My arms miss his arms. 

I miss you so much, my Love.  I'm all yours, forever.

Jennifer

I "Lava" You

Lava (From "Lava"Official Lyric Video)

Oh good Lord.  I just watched this and it made me cry... oh my poor heart!  This has to be one of the sweetest little videos ever.  OMG.  I have a feeling I am being spoken to clearly today because I am ready to just melt, like lava, lol.  I love him and miss him so so so much. 

"I have a dream and I hope will come true that you're here with me and I'm here with you."

Way to go Disney, a volcano has made me bawl.  How did they make a Pixar short that is totally twin flamey???

Too cute and loving not to share.

"As she remembered what his song meant to her..."

*sniff sniff*

I want to grow old with you.  My GOD do I want to grow old with you and look into your sweet blue eyes when we are celebrating our 99th birthday together, holding hands and smiling at each other.

Surrendering Doubt!

Let me preface this blog post by saying I am almost embarrassed to even write it considering how I preach on here about staying out of fear and focusing only on the good stuff like love and belief.  I am in the same boat at the rest of y'all, working to fight through fear to own and hold on to truth.  It is a journey, and I share here to let anyone reading this know we are all in this together.  We may fuck up time and again but if we can gain any awareness from our fuck ups then it's a step in the right direction.  Better than fucking up blindly and not gaining any insight from it... right? ;)

Ugh.  Something I want to share, and it's a big "ugh" moment for me.

So last night for some stupid reason I was in bed with my son and I fell into one of my "I wanna google some shit" moments.  I don't know why I do this.  It is stupid, and I know better.  Yesterday during the day I watched a video with Lee and Sherry {of "Relationship Reinvented"} and I heard every words they said.  Lee said to surrender means to stop letting your brain run the show.  To ignore the mind's fearful thoughts and to instead stay centered in the heart and stay in faith, trust, truth, belief and love- all of which emanate from and through the heart.  NOT the monkey-mind, not the "hamster stuck on the ever-spinning wheel" skeptical doubtful brain.  Lee also said, again, what I say on my blog over and over again: whatever you think about your twin soul is what he will have to show you.  Lee said for all of those twin soul females out there thinking, "Oh he's not awakened yet, he's lagging behind, he's holding us up, what the fuck's the matter with him that he just can't heal and be emotionally stable enough to stop running..." to realize that their male counterparts will have to show them all of those thoughts by "acting" out how they are being thought of.  Which means the males will deny the connection, keep quiet, act "unawakened" and keep "running."

I am NOT the only one saying these things.  I KNOW what Lee speaks of.  I've lived it.  And I want to stop doing it...  like Lee says, "Stop doing that!"  I like Lee.  He makes me smile.

But even after listening to Lee talk yesterday about being mindful and surrendering to heart and soul meaning QUIETING the mind's fearful "bad beliefs" and scary doubts, etc. I STILL had this dumb passing thought to run a search on my twin's nick name and see what scary shit I might find.  Because my dumb brain wanted on last hurrah.  So I did this.  And I found something on social media that matched like 95% of what I know about my twin.  I was reading through this social media "feed" feeling like it just had to be his and most of it was on the up and up except for one major bit that I am not going to lower myself to share here.  It was something that just does not match what I know about this guy although most of the rest was like... eerily like him.  And I started to literally SHAKE.  Major major fear response.  And I knew- I KNEW it was really stupid of me to be doing this.  I KNOW if I go looking I WILL find something to shake me up and set me back farther from the truth.

Well God was good to me last night.  I had to pause and hug my kid who was next to me getting ready for bed.  My teeth were literally chattering because it is what happens to me when fear takes over: I shake uncontrollably, and I was last night.  I allowed doubt and skepticism to totally overwhelm me.  And I know what happens when I do this: I send James farther and farther away from me.  In the past when I've done this I've just asked to be mirrored.  But in the past I've done it, then I've been mirrored, and THEN I realize why I got the response I did- because I was doubting him and he showed me the things I was feeling and thinking; he was "becoming" my doubts.

And it really bites.

As I said, God was good to me last night.  I was like, "No- this is not right.  This might appear to be him but it just isn't.  I know it."  I had to fight back my fear, and it was all brought on by me being skeptical and stupid and doing what I KNOW not to do!!  And I found out that no, it's not him.  Thank GOD above I was blessed enough to be relieved of the doubt.  It's eerily similar, like "not a coincidence" similar.  Like, "Hey Jennifer do you wanna keep searching around for shit, doubting, just so you can find stuff because you know you will!?"  And I know I will.  It's how Law of Attraction works.  The universe can and will do anything, and if I go looking for doubt then I will find it.  It's mirroring.  I ask and I receive.  Boom!  But last night I was blessedly given some info that let me know this was NOT him that way I am not sitting here freaking out all day worrying and making my energy worse and worse, digging my energetic hole even deeper until one day I'll be forced to speak Chinese.  As I came down from my fear I felt totally ridiculous.  TOTALLY ridiculous.  All I could bring myself to do was say I was sorry and go to bed.  I told James and God I am SO sorry for being doubtful.  I told my twin I am sorry and I won't do this shit anymore.  At the holidays I did something similar and I was mirrored.  I had a hard exchange with James and one of the things he wrote was, "You believe nonsense."  At first I thought he meant my spirituality and belief in the divine but after some reflection it hit me... he meant "You believe nonsense about me Jennifer."  I KNOW this is what he meant, and it's gotta be hurtful to him that I would doubt his goodness over and over again, keeping us apart longer and longer.  Why do I do this?  I dunno.  Humans can be naturally skeptical, doubting what is good and believing the worst.  Why do you think so many of us create our own Hellish existences?  Because we focus on the wrong shit and then we bring that wrong shit into our existences.  "Too good to be true" is terrible energy.  We need to just believe that it IS good, and it IS true!  Goodness does exist! 

*big deep sigh*  This insane doubt and skepticism for NO REASON has to stop.  It really does.  It's keeping me away from him and that is not fair to him either.  Back after we first separated I was told to NEVER ever doubt my twin soul; my higher self directly told me this and I think it is time for me to start listening.  Like Scully said on The X-Files this following Monday, it's time for us to open up our hearts and really listen.   It is only FAIR to James that I think the best of him!  Honestly it is.  I am actually embarrassed to even be writing this blog post after everything I share here but I *am* still human and I am fighting through fear, still.

But at least I am aware.  I am trying not to feel too badly or guilty over how I keep slipping back into doubt.  I don't want this for myself anymore.  I will be stronger.  I've apologized and will focus on the truth.  I am not going to let myself do this dumb weak shit again.  I have enough willpower and control to stop this.  And I love James.  I want to see him again and I don't like the fact that I keep him locked into mirroring my lower thoughts and fears.  I will not see him again if I continue to doubt him and let my mind run the show because I will manifest only more distance and lies if I do.

It's all on me.

My mom got me a new journal for Christmas.  It's beautiful and has biblical passages on every page.  This was one of my pages this morning:

Coincidence?  I think not.  Definitely a message for me.  I must pull my head out of my ass and focus on only what is "lovely" and admirable... and my twin soul is all this and more.  He is pure and good, as am I.  I know our love is real and of God, and I must keep my focus there and not on fear.   I do want to see James again but even more important than seeing him again is defending his truth and knowing who he truly is.  It is only fair that I hold on to the truth and love he showed me when my life was blessed with his beautiful presence.  It is my duty to him and I do believe "defending my twin soul" comes before the desire to hold him in my arms again.  It is an important part of our mission, me believing in him.  It's what God has asked of me.  It's only fair to James that I fulfill my half of our journey together.  Believing in him and trusting him is not merely a choice; it's what's been asked of me from above.  This is not a game.  It's not just "a romance" I know.  It is my duty.  I'll get there.  I do take this seriously.  He's a good man and if anything he deserves for me to know his goodness and have faith in the role he plays for me.  I know he loves me, and I know he's a good guy. I cannot judge him based on the things he's had to show me about myself, and I absolutely cannot allow myself to fear or doubt him, not one tiny bit.

I may not know exactly who or what God is but in the past when I prayed and stayed grounded in God it helped me more than staying in fear or being angry.  I also remember being told that "Love is in charge" in this union.  Love.

Love.

*whew*

Ironically I heard "Your Kiss Is on My List" this morning and I cried.  Been a long time since I heard it.  I didn't feel like I "deserved" to hear it after how I doubted the fuck out of James last night but I did fight through it, and I am NOT going there again.  I know who he is, the guy I wrote about yesterday.  Respectful, genuine, honest, loving and true.

Truth.  Again I am so sorry for doubting my dear Love.  He only deserves my trust, faith and love.

Jen

So Much...

 

I do miss him so much.  *sigh*  I know I say that here a lot but my heart yearns for my twin.  It's not a horrible feeling.  It is just is.  It's always there.  Maybe it does not hurt as much as it did before but GOD do I love him, and I miss my friend.  I remember our last conversations.  The very last thing he spoke to me was to tell me that yes he still wants a future with me and yes he still wants to have my son in his life.  He said my son was not a deal breaker, that he really liked my son.  And I know he meant it.  He wants to be with us, and I believe he still does want to be with us.

I feel really sad that James has missed out on so much of my son's life.  They would be so good together, and PJ really loves James.  He still speaks of James, mentions him.  Once in a while he will say, "Just text him mommy.  Do you have his phone number?  Call him mom."  Oh, my heart!  My heart.

Earlier I was thinking of how easy it was when we were together.  We got along fabulously, you know?  It felt so comfortable and right being with James, better than anyone else.  He felt very safe and fun.  I was not nervous.  I felt like I could be myself.  Maybe I was a little quiet here and there but sometimes the energy between us overwhelmed me and I would get a bit quiet.  He brought this unusual shyness and... a chasteness out in me.  It was different.  I felt like a teenager again with him, like I did with my first boyfriend.  Oh so happy and in love but a little overtaken.  I think it was his strong energy.  His shine was so bright that its brilliance subdued me at times.  That is when the shyness would come out.  I'd sit there with a silly little grin on my face and just watch him eat or whatever without being able to say much right at that moment.  We did not go out on many dates because we were together a short time and we usually only went out when I did not have my son, and I normally have my son.  He's with his dad every other weekend and one evening a week for a few hours.  All other nights I have him, 12 out of 14.  The nights when he was with me James would come over to my house and see me but we did fit in a few dates.  And man it is surreal now to look back and remember how EASY it was to be together!  It's bittersweet!  It was so... fun and nice and perfect to sit there and talk with him, share a meal, laugh and giggle together.  Smile.  Share our thoughts like friends and almost lovers, and then actual lovers.  Lovies.

I really miss him.  I wish I had more memories to filter through.  I wish I could close my eyes and then open them and he would be back in front of me again.  I want to be sitting across the table from him again enjoying an easy dinner date, talking and smiling and oh... loving him so so so much.  I fell in love with him from the very start.  From the moment I saw him walking towards me on our first date with his big ole' smile and those beautiful blue eyes I knew I was a goner!  I remember thinking, "Holy shit what is up with this?!  He's perfect, just like I knew he would be!"  And he was just perfect.  Wonderful.  So friendly!  We immediately clicked and made great conversation and I could not stop looking at him and thinking how lucky I was.  He'd take a sip of beer and look at me over the bottle and I'd get all tingly and blush.  And I told him I had to use the bathroom just so I could slip off to text my friend and say, "Squuuueeeee OMFG he's PERFECT, holy shit!!!!"  I had never been so terribly excited for a first date in my life!  Before James I was bored meeting men.  I had told myself I was done and had not dated anyone new for a bit.  And then I began talking to him and I knew I'd be super excited to meet him.  And I was.  I could not wait to meet him.  For good reason.  Because he's fucking irreplaceabley perfect.  *sniff*

That's the thing.  "Twin soul" or not.  Whatever he is- my heart and soul are just like, "Nope.  Don't want anyone else, no one."  At this point the thought of being with someone new is more uncomfortable to me than just being like this, life as it is until he's back with me again.  Finding happiness where I can, being with my son, listening to good music, eating delicious food {just ask my screaming Spanx, lol!} and taking little road trips and the vacations to Disney and the rest.  Being with my family and friends when I feel like it.  Or sitting alone if that feels right.  This all feels better than being with anyone else would so... I pray.  I pray with all my might to see his loving face again.

Because we are still the same, me and him.  It feels the same, inside of me.  He was there and then he wasn't but the love has always remained.  It feels the same as before.  He's still right here, in my heart.  I can see him perfectly in my mind's eyes, that sweet adorable mischievous childlike grin, a boyish smile.  Glimmering.  Yes, the ache is real.  I ache for him.  I miss him SO much.

I'd give anything to be able to sit at my table and share a meal with him again.  Something so... normal that was once so easy to do.  It was so easy to talk to him.  He was very attentive to me.  Affectionate and extremely responsive.  One of the things I totally love about James is that he is responsive.  He really is.  After our amazing first date {that ended with a kiss which knocked me off my feet} I wondered if he'd contact me.  Some guys don't but I knew he would.  And of course he did.  Like immediately when he got home he text me and told me what a wonderful time he had and that he was really looking forward to our next date.

No shame in his game.  No holding back.  No messing with my head or making me wait or holding back and all that jazz.  No, he was very open and honest and true about his feelings.  He was excited to meet me, and anticipatory about seeing me again and he let me know it.  And I love that about him.  How he's just so... honest about his feelings.  No embarrassment about being open, wearing his heart on his sleeve, sharing his emotions.  That is why it was so beautiful knowing him.  He's that one love- that showed me true love IS real.  And worth holding out for and believing in.  And I do believe in his love because it was SO real, so strong, so pure and kind and intense and genuine that I know it still exists.

Ha... funny how attraction works.  I thought he was so very cute when I first laid eyes on him.  I was kind of like... okay now.  Is the joke on me because this guy is WAY too cute to just be... out there waiting.  Too perfect.  What's the catch?  Ha ha ha... little did I know, right?  But as he walked towards me I did think ohhhhhhh he's adorable.  And that huge smile.  And oh he's hugging me and he feels SOOOO good to hug!  I don't think I said anything because I was too blown away, lol!  But despite thinking he was totally adorable, and oh so sexy, it wasn't like... lust.  If that makes sense?  He laid that first kiss on me.  Took me by surprise.  Pulled me to him quickly, took my face in his hands and moved my mouth to his and kissed me... slipped his tongue in my mouth like he was owning me through a kiss and when that brief yet intense kiss ended I stood there fuzzy-headed with stars in my eyes, lol.  I was like WTF was that that just happened?  *whew*  And he just stood there with this little smile on his face like, "Yep- I knew our kisses would be perfect!" and they were, perfect kisses. I, ha, moved in for another kiss.  And we stepped back after a minute or two, looking down and blushing and it was like two teens on their first date, kissing in the parking lot.  But even though I could have stood out there kissing him under the streetlight forever... I did not feel lust for him.  It was this clean pure overwhelming goodness.  Just goodness.  Excitement!  Anticipation!  Happiness! My heart already knew he was special and my soul... my soul was singing!

My soul was like, "Oh there you are again!!!"  God.  Just, God.  And he kissed me on our second date and we spent the rest of the evening making out on my couch in the darknened living room but still it was this innocent kissing.  Cleansing, beautiful, a gift.  No hands roving.  He held me in his arms and touched my arms and held my face gently in his hands and we kissed and kissed and kissed for hours and it was heaven.  There is nothing I want more than to sit and kiss my Love again.  Those kisses were straight from heaven, kissing an angel.

See... it was perfect.  He was available and wanted me.  He was making an effort to see me and spent time with me.  He showed me that he found me valuable and he did this by spending close quality time with me, kissing and cuddling and giggling with our face together and noses bumping each other, looking into each others eyes, but he never asked for more.  Never once.  He NEVER asked for more.  This was glaringly put in my face the other day when my friend told me about a new man she is dating and how he showed her so quickly how badly he wants her.  James didn't do that with me.  Like, I KNEW he wanted me, of course.  And he did tell me he knew it would be special.  But when we were together he was always very loving.  Sexy too but super super loving.  More loving than anything.  Even once we made love, and ohhhh it was good love, sometimes soft and lovely and sometimes hard and intense but still it was always amazingly loving.  Even when... naughty hard it was still lovemaking and he let me know that in the way he looked into my eyes and kissed me and treated me.  And insisted on pillow talk time afterwards, every time.  And the man totally waited until I finally got the nerve to take him by the hand and lead him to my bedroom.  Then all bets were off.  I think he was naked, and had me naked, in about 60 seconds, lol.

He's totally cute naked.  Gah.  Beautiful in all ways. 

I will always ALWAYS adore James for treating me like a precious angel.  With respect and dignity.  He showed me how worthy I am by spending time with me content to sit and talk and kiss.  Fully clothed.  Tender.  Sensitive.  Hot.  Oh it was hot.  He was obviously excited while I sat on his lap holding his face in my hands and moaning against his lips while we lost ourselves time and again kissing and kissing.  Yet he never made a move on me.  And it was deliberate.  I could see this look in his eyes that said, "I want you but I won't ask.  Not until you are more ready than ready."  And I needed that.  I needed to feel like ME again.

And he always held my hand.  Always.  Did on the first date.  Held my hand all night the last night we were together too.  I remember how good it felt to hold his hand.  Perfect fit.  He has great hands.  Tender but strong.  I loved being touched by him.  I ache, literally ache, to touch him again.  I want to explore his body, kiss him from head to toe.  Pleasure him and love on him for days.  Weeks.

Forever.

I miss my love.  I miss him SO much.  A more pure honest angelic man cannot be found.  Laughable to think.  This is why I do what I do.  Why I am still in this.  Not only do I love myself enough that I do want to heal and be happy and fearless and only love, in love with myself too, but I also love him.  I do.  I don't love him more than I love me.  I love us equal.  I love us together, like we are a pair.  I know we are meant to be together because we are perfect for each other.

I heard this song on the way home last night.  I have not heard it for a long time and it really spoke to me.  I am so very much in love with my sweetheart.  He's just so dear to me.  Only another twin soul or people strongly strongly in unconditional love with another human being could understand how I feel.  This is not some disposable "love."  It's not expectations and what are you going to do for me and I need you to make me happy.  No.  I just love him.  Everything about him.  I love him enough that I'd rather be alone for now than close with anyone else but him.  It is him for me.  My prince.

He made me feel so young again.  He gave me my innocence back.  He showed me just how valuable he found me to be.  And I know he's out there loving me, wanting his Love back with him, together.  He really does mean the world to me, and he always will.

   

My X-Files Life

I am a HUGE gigantic X-Phile.  That means I'm a ginormous X-Files nerd.  I loved the original series and it shaped my world back then.  Absolutely LOVE Scully and Mulder, and I've {go figure} always had an affinity for the paranormal.  My soul knew before I did, and I was glued to the TV back in the day to catch these two working together to solve the "Monster of The Week" mystery while they fought to believe and find the truth.  I even wrote my MA thesis on The X-Files and Postmodern Theory, Postmodern Paranoia.  LOVE love love!!!

"I Want to Believe" and "The Truth Is out There" <--- hello, welcome to my life.

So last night was episode five of the new season they created *can you hear the angels singing?*  I've been going to my BFF's house to watch it because I don't have cable at my house.  We have a TV set and a DVD player but we don't just watch "TV."  Our TV barely plays at all.  When I got to my friend Bev's house last night I told her some things I am feeling and experiencing, and she knew I've been feeling very angry.  I told her how I know I need to let the anger go now and choose love over fear and anger, and we spoke about "hubris" and how I was warned about my "hubris" back before the holidays, and James has been used as my mirror to show me much of this.  We talked more about The Law of Attraction and how my every single thought or word spoken or written is creating my reality.  As a matter of fact while I was walking into her house I was thinking, "Oh that one guy stopped contacting me.  Maybe he'll just drift off now," and right then he sent me a message on Facebook.  Right that very moment.  As I thought of it.  In-my-face.

Bev is a great friend.  She talks through things with me and she loves James for what he's doing with me.  She always says she can't wait to meet him, and she knows how much I love him.  She always understands me and never doubts me or questions me.  We talked for a while then started the show.  And half way through the show Mulder is talking about our thoughts and beliefs and our words, very specifically our words, create our reality.  The whole episode was spiritual.  In the end Mulder and Scully are having a heart-to-heart talk as they are walking along hand in hand.  Mulder had a spiritual experience where he knew unconditional love.  And Scully came up against pure hate.  They were discussing how we are currently in a battle between unconditional love and fear/hate.

As they were talking about God Scully said, "And man was punished for his hubris."  And Bev paused the show and was like, "WTF!" and I was too- the whole episode was a reflection of the ongoing themes in my life right now.  EVEN HUBRIS.  Mulder's talk about unconditional love needing to overpower hatred, and they discussed how we are all meant to "speak the same language" and be "one."  *sigh*  It was... very divine for me.

It continued after I left.  I was shown that I need to focus intently ONLY on what I want, not what I do not want.  I need to focus on love and belief.  Always.  And I do mean always.  There is no room for "slippage."  I saw this last night.  I allowed myself earlier in the evening to speak a bit of fear to my roommate.  Then later that fear was totally reflected to me and I showed her.  She was like, "It's immediate with you.  It's happening right away."  And it is.  I can't blame anyone else.  It is ME. I could be wrong, maybe it is just my imagination {highly doubtful} but there is this one thing out there that I feel is used as a reflection of my energy, and it's clear.  When I feel more loving it shows it to me, and when I feel fear and doubt that is there too.  I know not to... think of it as "truth" because the only truth about me and James is the time we spent together, our phone calls, our loving text messages and any little thing here or there that is truly purely loving.  THAT is truth.  Anything else I can use as a gauge to see where my energy is but I don't look at it as "Oh this is truth."  Confusing I know but sometimes these journeys are a little mysterious.

Like my life is an episode of The X-Files. 

One thing is I really don't know what the future holds, and in the past that scared me and made me want to pull away.  I do hope to hear from James again.  My prayer is that I clear my energy, get rid of anger and fear, practice gratitude, think loving thoughts of him, remember the real him, let go of the "scary mirror" to know only truth, and once my energy is straight and loving and truth then he will be able to come back to me again.  That is my prayer.  I have my faith and belief in knowing he is holding his heart space for me, holding out for me, loving me, helping me and will be with me again soon.  I have to hold on to my belief and faith in his return, in our reunion.  Why?  Because I do want romantic love in my life, a loving wonderful partner.  And I want that to be James.  I feel he is supposed to be able to come back to me.  And only I can allow him to return so yes, keeping a focus on knowing the real him, his truth and love, is still an important part of my journey.  But it all comes from my energy.  I am the one responsible here.  I have to be aware at all times, and consciously control my thoughts, intentions and beliefs.

I have to shift it up.

And God loves me so much that they used one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world, my buddies Scully and Mulder,  to send my message of the importance of choosing love home last night.  No messing around.  Could not be ignored.  It was so bold that even Bev noticed it.  And that was refreshing, to have someone else see and say, "Yes I understand what is happening to you and I support you through it as your friend."

I feel very blessed and thankful to have received the messages I did last night.  One was a bit frightening and I won't be explaining it but I am choosing not to put any energy towards it because I know it is a reflection of my thoughts earlier in the evening.  Yet it showed me how quickly I am shown my thoughts so I have to be aware.  I am going back to focusing on gratitude and being thankful for my blessings.  That helps my energy.  I want to do anything that keeps my energy focused on love and Light.  I do understand that we are going through a shift, and man am I feeling it.  Many many of us are right now, and our twin souls are helping us with this.

Interesting stuff.

James is my Mulder, my forever love.  <3  XxOo

I wish SO much that we could talk about The X-Files together, laugh and giggle and share again.  I miss him so much. 

I believe, and the truth is in here.

Jennifer

"You Are LOVE" Lee Harris

I absolutely LOVE Lee Harris!!!  I've been following Lee since I started my awakening.  He is definitely a messenger for me.  I came across this video at the beginning of my "self-love" journey and I wanted to watch it again today.  It is called "You are LOVE" and he is soothing and loving and so very right.  This video really helped me in the beginning when I hated myself and I was terrified of spirit, scared of my guidance, and basically I was entrapped in fear.  That was about five years ago and now when I listen to this I smile because I feel like Lee is an old friend of mine.  He's a dear messenger of the Light here on earth through these trying times we are living in.

VERY intense messages have come my way this week showing me that I absolutely need to choose love over fear now.  Like I cannot ever go back to choosing negative thoughts instead of positivity and love.  I'll explain more in another post but man oh man it's been *really* divinely shown to me.

And it makes sense, right?  My twin is mirroring me.  He is in my life as my reflection so I can see myself, my love and my fear.  So if I have anything less than a loving feeling and belief inside of me then what can I expect to see from him, sent to me so I can see myself?  It's not rocket science.  In this video Lee says when love comes to you simply embrace it and see it as a mirror, and the love you hold in your heart for the other person is also a mirror too.  And THAT is how I explain this "two-way street" between me and James.  YES I am a mirror for him too- a love mirror.  James only has love and light and no fear inside of him so when I have this undeniable urge to contact him I only ever want to send him love.  Because I am a reflection of the pure love inside of him.  He has the shorter end of the stick- he has to send me the shadow side of myself that still fights to be in control, and it is time for total emotional mastery on my part.  It is time for me to tell my shadow I am aware of it and it can kindly step back, go to sleep, peacefully dream, with love.  It no longer has a place in my life.

I AM aware, and I AM strong.  I CAN do this, and I will.  I WILL.  I am better than the fear.  The fear is not even real, and it is the fear that inspires the anger.  And it's gotta go.

But I do need a gentle touch.  This is why I adore Lee.  He is so very gentle and kind in his energy.  And he's as cute as a bug's ear.  What a kind dear soul.  I got a channeled reading back in 2011 when I met my first soul mate, and that was my first "Dark Night of The Soul."  And oh, oh oh oh.  My poor little 2011 self.  Grief, sorrow, despair and FEAR.  Fear fear fear.  Ugh, I am so happy that time has passed and the person who was involved as my partial-mirror back then, my dear soul mate B, and I ended in total LOVE.  Love.  That experience alone showed me that my fear was unfounded, and I can release it.  James... poor James, my dear dear full twin soulmate,  he has been in my life to ensure I let it all go.  So I can be love and no fear.  But back in 2011 I contacted a wonderful loving psychic, and she is good.  She gave me a reading for myself and one of the things she said is I am VERY very sensitive and gentle.  Very loving and I need a VERY gentle touch.  I need to treat myself lovingly and respect myself, honor myself and love myself.  At that time I did NOT, not at all and this reading told me so.  My "guides" said I did not value myself, not like God does, and that back then I did not even value "My own life."  How sad but true.  I feel much much different these days.  I do finally love myself, a lot.  I want to be sympathetic and empathetic towards myself.

And my God, my GOD, I want to only be love.  ONLY LOVE.  I am here asking for help, on my knees, asking God to please help me stay surrendered, soft, loving and gentle in my energy, always.

This old reading really focused on the fact that I am only gentleness, love and kindness.  And that I need to be treated gently.  It said "This was was born from the first spark of love..." and I was to "protect myself" at all times.  She told me I am meant to be treated very gently and to treat myself gently, with love.  And I realized something yesterday.  I can no longer tolerate "tough love."  I have a friend who is very "tough love" and I can't handle that energy.  I am here doing the best I can, and I am right on track.  Pushing me to "get it done now!" and "No trying only doing!" and "Come on, he's waiting on you!" isn't really going to help me.  It tempts me to feel like I am not doing "good enough" when I am actually working at this the best I can, and shame, self-judgment or guilt has no place in my life now.  James signed up for this with me.  He might not be the one having all the fear pushed out of him and I understand that but I DO believe he is holding a loving space for me, and I THANK him for his love with my entire heart.  I know he realizes that I am here doing the best I can, always working at it, and I've stayed faithful to him and my mission.  I am gentle with people, even people who are trying to me, and I expect the same from others.  Even if I am learning the same thing over and over.  Even if I hurt.  I want to be treated gently.  It's all I will accept now.

The ONLY instance where this can be tricky is with my mirror.  Because if I feel, inside of me, any anger or bitterness or rage or fear then this will be shown back to me.  And I used to think it was "tough love" but... now there is freedom in realizing that no it is not tough love.  It is my own inner shit being shown back to me, and once I can spiritually scoop all of that shit out of me and replace it {transmute it} to love THEN it will no longer be "tough" love but sweet gentle honest love again.

My goal now is emotional mastery.  It is time for me, now.  Here is another video from Lee, his February 2016 energy report, and it is BONKERS, just totally bonkers, how it completely is a TOTAL reflection of where I am in my journey.  I just went through an intense period of anger that's been hanging around since the holidays, and I am SO hoping, praying, wishing, intending and working towards letting those moment be gone now.  GONE.  I feel like it has passed now and James has been an emotional catalyst to shove my shadow up out of me, and it has been challenging.  On both of us.  So I feel like it is time to be very gentle to myself since I've been going through all of this emotional healing and emotional healing hurts, and also it is time to be very tender and gentle to James as well because he's been my mirror.  And folks, my shit has been deep, dark and painful.  There has been a lot of old pain and fear that has come out of me in the last 29 months.  I feel no qualms at all about sitting back now, being hyper-gentle to myself, loving myself completely, and loving my dear dear precious twin soul.

Love.  It's my goal.  I love James so much.  But I have to be tempered inside, gentle and loving towards myself and this situation and other people and my guidance and God.  I hope others out there are feeling the same way.  It's been INCREDIBLE, the signs, etc.  I can't wait to share the best one, lol.  But here is Lee's February video.  I hope it resonates with you.

Cheers,

Jennifer