Oh boy. I didn't write on his birthday this year. I was a bit relieved that I didn't cry gallons of tears. That would be the first time in 7 years I haven't cried on our birthdays.
I don't have the same pain anymore. It has greatly dissipated. But I still think of him every day. Maybe you'll find this ironic. I have been thinking it's okay now. You know? Life is great. My life is wonderful and I don't... I can't put it into words but maybe "letting go" would be the best term. Letting go of that old hope. The dream. Accepting life as it is. I see these memes that say embrace what you have instead of holding on to what you thought life should be and I think well maybe that's what I am supposed to do.
So I have an old guy friend who sends me songs out of the blue sometimes and he's always been used as a messenger of sorts. I get a thrill when I get his songs because I like to go see what the lyrics say. I've often felt he sends me the things James is unable to. Well he sent me a song the other day and when I went to Youtube to listed to it my phone showed me the last comment posted to the song. It said something close to, "I want to let you know that I no longer miss you but not a day goes by that I don't clearly remember you."
*sigh* It home for me. I remember him Every. Single. Day. About two weeks ago I had a super vivid dream of James, and I rarely dream of him. It was odd. He was around. We were talking! Like we were in the same room and we were talking and then he had to go. I saw his smile. I heard his sweet voice and I could so very clearly see his adorable face. And then he was gone. He told me he would see me soon or something like that and I was anxious. I remember in the dream feeling anxious BUT the one part I totally remember is when he walked away I turned to the people I was with and I said, loudly and a few times in a row, "That man is going to be my husband! That is the man who is going to be my husband!" Oh man. And then in the dream I was anxious but I decided to call him. And he answered. And he was kind, his soft voice. His soft gentle hello. Asking me how I was.
That's about all I remember. The kindness in his voice. The gentleness. How I miss that. I miss my friend. I do. We were dating at this time of year and this weather always brings it back. I remember walking through my neighborhood holding hands. Going to Chicago for my dream date where we walked all over, pub hopped and he took me to Union for sushi. And... pink frog or something like that for frozen yogurt. We had such fun together. We laughed. He held my hand the entire time. He was so so so perfect, and perfect for me.
I still miss him and love him so much. More than anyone else I've ever loved. And I've loved a lot. I love. A lot, lol. I fall in love easily. But I could let that romantic love go and it changed to a warm "I wish them well" kind of love. This is different although I of course with him well. I still love him, more than just friends. At the same time I love him as a friend and I miss my friend. I miss his laugh and the twinkle in his dear blue eyes.
I remember our first kiss. After our first date I was going to open my car door and he took my face in my hands and kissed me, deeply. And I swooned. I wanted another kiss! All smiles. He swept me off my feet. The perfect man for me. Perfect. I miss him so much.
I miss you.
Sometimes I play out in my mind what it would be like to see him again, to talk with him. Life is very different, in a good way, and I surely hope the same for him. I've learned that relationship status doesn't change love. I have a fiancé'. He wants to marry me. He would love to marry me. He thinks I am perfect in every way and he loves me dearly. I am blessed. But that doesn't mean I am able to forget James, and he knows this. I told him about my dream because... it threw me off. I was struggling after that dream. It was like I had seen him again! I once asked my guy a question. I asked him what would happen, and I know this sounds insane, if my love for James one day drew him back to me after I was already married since he wants to marry me so badly, no matter what. He said we'd have to deal with that, wouldn't we. He said I've always been honest and he realizes that I am still in love with James. But he loves me and wants to marry me no matter what, no matter if I also love someone else, because I love him too and we are together now. In the now, and we all must enjoy the love we have *right now.* I'm so blessed to have him because ONLY he could understand.
I have some alone time right now. And I sit here imagining how wonderful it would be to sit down and talk to James again. I imagine what it would be like to find an email from him or get a text saying, "Hi. How have you been?" It would be amazing. I wish that would happen. I wish I would get contact from him and we could sit down and talk again. I would be honest with him, totally. But I would be honest about how I feel. I long to tell him that I still love him and always have. I wish I could just tell him that I've missed him all this time and I love him and all I remember is how sweet he was to me and my son. A blessing. And that I've missed him every single day... because he is that special. To me. I want to hear about him, his life, how things are going for him. And I'd like to tell him about me, about my son, my life, my work, my boyfriend. I'd like to tell him how the love of my boyfriend really helped me because I was kind of dying inside. But I wish I could be honest and tell him that when I met my boyfriend I told him all about James because I was so in love and felt I needed to honor that love no matter what, in my life or not.
Like I said, I love hard. I wish I could hug James. I imagine hugging him for a really long time. I wish I could! I wish I could hug him again. And just hug him. I do remember our kisses because they are the sweetest best kisses I've ever experienced. I can't help that. I don't mean to sound mean but the connection I had with him was incredible and those kisses for hours and hours were out of this world incredible. Heaven. I think Heaven must feel like those kisses. I enjoyed just sitting and kissing him. It's challenging. I remember him. I remember how kind and sweet he was to me. Funny. He made me laugh. We were similar and we meshed well and I thought he was so hilarious, and such a good match with me. I found him very interesting and intelligent and I could talk with him for hours and hours. It was amazing and wonderful and blissful. And I miss him. I wish I could have kept him in my life. I wish I still knew him. I wish he was in my life.
Odd how although years pass it feels like yesterday. It feels like yesterday that he would walk up to my door, wait for me to open it and come in and kiss me. So kindly. And he was thoughtful, always had some small token, something thoughtful, to give me or a trinket or candy for my son. Just so generous and kind and thoughtful. Everything I asked for. I asked for him and he came to me. I miss that gift.
People can't be replaced. Having love in my life now doesn't replace James. Nothing can replace him in my heart. Knowing him was the most joyful, blissful and exciting time in my life. I can't deny that I have a hard time with the idea of getting married to someone else. I do. I can't help it. Even in my dreams I'm being reminded... of how much I wanted to marry James. I guess we can't change our hearts no matter what.
I remember reading about other twin souls who would harden their hearts, hate their twins, force themselves to move on and reason away the connection. I can't do that. I can't harden my heart. I still love him. I've never been able to fully let go of that dream no matter what. It's not something I can explain to my boyfriend- I do not want to hurt him. But if I told him that I was struggling, that I know it sounds stupid and crazy and inconceivable but I want to stay as we are, engaged, together, loving each other, and leave at that until I feel differently he'd understand and accept it because he loves me so much and is a wonderful amazing soulful empathetic kind human being. For now we just are and that's okay. Love is love and love is good. At the beginning I felt guilty but not anymore. Love is a good thing, and we love each other. I just still also love James and miss him.
There is my check in. I wish that one day I can talk with my twin soul again. I miss him dearly. I'll love him forever.
xxoo
Jen
