I know people everywhere are suffering and my heart goes out to them. I suppose we all have our own battles. This human thing is a challenge.
But this song *sigh* I wish James could have stayed with me. We were such a perfect fit in all ways. I love his mind. I agree with so much that he feels strongly about so it was interesting to talk with him. For hours.
I remember our first conversation. We had emailed and he asked to talk right away which was refreshing. I called him and he had the cutest voice!! OMG. I just remember how stimulating he was. I could have talked with James forever because we click. Funny how I did not understand Atheism at all when I met him but by the time we made love I was glad he was Atheist. I could understand it and I do even more now.
The irony is none of that matters anyway. If I had him in my presence the last thing I'd want to talk about is that. I'd want to kiss him like we used to kiss. I miss his kisses.
So much!
I ache! I wish. I wish he could have stayed and we would probably be married now and even maybe have a child. That truth makes me cry. I miss him. I ache to share with him all that we discussed.
I wish he could have stayed.
Here and there I've been blessed with knowing that sweet man I met and fell in love with. He's told me he wishes I was cuddled in his arms, that a child with me is what he wants most, that I'm a goddess and so beautiful, that our lovemaking was real and genuine and that we shared a healthy loving relationship together.
This... ugh. I want to hear truth from him now. I know we are meant to be together! I know it! This is why he came through and told me that I'm right. I'm right because I know he loves me! And has all this time and I know he wants me, a life with me and my son.
I know this. And he told me so not long ago. There is a reason why I hold on. I do not believe based on "faith" alone. I have proof.
The way he kissed me and made love with me in the spring is my proof. Gathered me in his arms and kissed me while making love with me and I know that is love.
I know it.
But I fucking miss him. And it God damn hurts. I want to know the love of my life again. Like I was so blessed to know him before. All loves and kisses and cuddles. I know that is James. I know this situation is not "normal." I'm a level-headed woman. I am more "reality-based" than spiritual. What I really want is a happy life with James. I want the life we talked about.
Sushi on the beach. He said we would be married on the beach and have sushi at our wedding. I want it small with PJ there with us while we get married. I want that dream life with him so much.
I want him to come home.
I can't believe I have survived such ache. My son helps. Man I turned on Christmas music on Sunday while I putzed in the kitchen. My friend Shannon had to work but I kept her kids with me. I knew PJ would like to play with them when he got home from his dad's at noon. Well the songs! The damn Christmas songs talking about wanting to come home or "All I Want for Christmas is You" or "Blue Christmas" absolutely kill me. I was standing at the sink trying not to cry and my son came over and hugged me and danced with me. Like a little old man in a child's body.
I don't think I would still be here if it were not for me son. I can barely take this but he keeps me going! He is such a dear sweet child. And he still says he misses James too. My sweetie.
I wish James could be with us. He would be the best husband ever and such a blessing in my son's life.
I miss him so much.
Jennifer
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