2 AM

I'm up at 2 AM. My fault. I didn't stay fully sober last night. I have been working on this staying sober but last night I was stressed out. Tried to be "smart" and only got a tiny bit so I couldn't overdo it but even a little makes me fall asleep hard and then wake up a few hours later. I feel fine since it wasn't much but still I'm awake when I should be sleeping.

I gotta be strong there. I'm honestly trying. I'm glad I did not buy a bottle of hard liquor. Trying to look at the bright side, at least I was smart enough to not do that. I don't want to keep it in the house that way if I have a weak moment oh well. I'm not going to subject my kid to going out shopping so I can buy alcohol. So if it is not here in the house then I can't drink it.

Self-pity. I was having a pity party last night. I divorced my husband because he did not show me love or affection. We were not a good match. He did not seem happy being with me. He says it was not me but more of a lifestyle thing. I will admit I'm not one who loves to go out to the bar. When I'm happy and peaceful then I don't want to drink. I might have a glass of wine or a beer but that's all. I guess I mainly have the actual desire to drink when I'm hurting. And unfortunately that is often. But my point being when life is "normal" and I'm happy and my emotional needs are being met then I don't have that strong urge to want to drink.

When I was married I liked being home with my husband. I would go out too of course but I'm not the type who wants to sit at the bar every weekend or a couple times a week. And it would have been different had we talked with each other while we were there. But we didn't; he went off by his friends or watched TV and I either tried to talk to other people there or I sat by myself. In the end he says it wasn't that he didn't love me. He said he wasn't truly ready to "settle down" and not go out and stuff. Well had I been more the type to enjoy that lifestyle then we would have gotten along better. But I am more of a homebody. I like to be home making dinner and chilling out at home. Like I said, sometimes is fine!! I like being social too. But I know he has found someone more like him and that is good. She seems to like going out like he does far more than I ever did. I do wonder if she wants a child though. She is a little younger than me. I can't help but wonder if she wants a child because life does change after a baby comes along. Priorities have to shift. Not my business I know but I do wonder that because if she wants a baby he has to be prepared for the responsibility of being a father and husband BOTH. I mentioned a while ago that I'm sure she must be hoping for a ring. She seems to adore him, and I'm happy that he has someone who loves him and cares for him. I just hope he is happy too. He said he knows that she wants a ring. But he also knows she does not want him out so much (he told me this) so he has to decide if he wants to be a "married man" or live a life of a bachelor for the rest of his life. He can't have both. She seems to be a good fit for him so I hope he can settle down.

I clearly know, though, why it didn't work for us. And that is okay. He gave me our son so it was meant to be for that time.

Good thing I woke up. The little guy who lives with us is up vomiting and I heard him. Poor kid puked all over himself. Must be going around. My son had the same on Sunday. Luckily it seems to pass quickly.

Pity party. I guess we all have them. I wish I had the family I want. The one God knows I have always dreamed of. A happy healthy solid family with a husband and wife who love each other a lot. Emotionally healthy. Strong. Dedicated. I've always wanted that so being alone hurts. I did not have it with my son's dad. I hoped I'd find it in the future. I met James and he turned out to be everything I had ever dreamed of. Seriously. It was like a dream come true. He wanted marriage, liked being married and in a strong loving committed relationship. Liked my son and said he could learn how to be a dad-figure. He said he could see us all together as a family. He wanted us together every day. And he said he could see us having a child together. Perfection. Like hitting the lottery especially because I was completely in love with him too. I felt I'd been lucky enough to finally find the right man for me. He seemed to understand and accept that I'm quirky. He seemed to really like the person I am and that was refreshing.

Being without him is tearing me up inside. I battle daily the urge to drink in order to dull my emotions. Right now I'm trying to learn how to live with the ache because it is going nowhere fast. I don't know what to do about it. My heart aches for him. Yes I could probably go find someone else to make a family with. But I don't want someone else. I want James. Yes I'm stuck on him. I can't help that. I want the dreams we discussed. I wish I could talk with him again. This is not "normal" in any way. We should be able to talk together. I don't understand how I can reach out to any other person I know and get a response but with James it is different. I'm still trying to accept this connection and I'm not doing the best job. I want him to be my sweet boyfriend and friend again. There is not one other person from my past I could not say hello to and get a friendly REAL response. It should be no different with him because nothing happened between us to change the fact that we are friends who love and care for each other. I'm upset because I know we love and care about one another and people who care about each other communicate and talk and keep in touch. It makes me feel out of my mind. I know truth. I know he is a good man and we love each other. I feel like that should be reflected in life right now. He is strong and good. I'm doing my best. My heart aches deeply and has this entire time we have been apart.

I don't want people contacting me telling me I should not feel like I do. THIS IS HOW I FEEL. If you disagree with how I think or what I believe in then that is fine. I can handle a difference of opinion. But please don't write to me telling me that I need to let go of wanting James. Or that I'm not supposed to "be in love with him" like I have to somehow get past the fact that we have kissed and been naked together and made love and discussed marriage and a family together. I literally am unable to not want that or let it go. I can't. My God if I could do something that would release me from this longing and hoping and what others see as "attachment" but I see only as "I'm totally in love with him and want him back in my life" then I would have already.

On "Once Upon A Time" many seasons ago Snow White was offered some magic pills that would erase the memory of her long lost love. That way she would not feel the heartache any longer being without him. I don't think I could take the pills. I'd LOVE to wake in the morning and feel no ache!! No "missing him" or dying inside from longing for his beautiful presence in my life. Oh. My. God. It has been a long time since I've not felt all those strong emotions. To be able to erase the ache would be a blessing.

But not if it meant I would have to erase remembering James at all. Seeing his bright smiling adorable self walking towards me to hug me on our first date. Asking to hold my hand and walking through my neighborhood holding hands and talking, looking at the full moon. Blue moon. Birthday gift. Our kisses. Those innocent dear loving long sweet pure genuinely loving patient kisses. I could not bear to erase the memory of all our goodness together or my memories of spending time with James. Especially "My Favorite Day" when he arranged to spend the day with me and my son. I hold the memory of that day close to my heart. I could not take the magical pills even if it meant waking up with no longing or wanting.

I do wish I was strong enough to only feel love for him and nothing else. No missing or aching or wanting. I wish I could master all that, ascend past my human wants and desires but I don't see that happening in this lifetime and I really don't want to come back here again once I die. Once I die and have fulfilled this human experience the best I can, shit, I want eternal bliss. Love. Nothing else. I never said I wanted to be perfect or achieve some kind of spiritual perfection. That is not me. I want to be loving, be loved, be love- and be happy. I do want my dreams to return to me. I pray, wish and hope to hear from James soon or see him. I want to see his smiling face again. I love him so much.

I am gonna try to get back to sleep. I hope you all are having sweet dreams.

Jennifer