Let Me Hold You

I have probably shared this song here already but it is such a good song, and it is meaningful for me.

Man.  I miss James so much!  So so much.  I wish there was some magic wand to wave or step-by-step instructions I could follow so I could talk with him again, or better yet- I just want him to hold me.

This experience sucks.  No lie.  I can't hide how I feel- I don't like this situation and I wish James was here.  But this song speaks to me.  I wish he was here.  I wish he was holding me.  That is all I care about.  I miss my love.  When he was here last time I saw him I think the best moment was when we were sitting on my couch and he pulled me into his arms.  It felt wonderful.  Right.  He put his arms around me and held me to his chest quietly for a few moments.  I wish I would have relished that feeling a little deeper, a little longer.  And then he kissed me and I couldn't hardly believe that this man who I had longed for and loved and missed for so long was sitting with me and kissing me.  It did feel like a miracle.

And I miss him so much.  Oh dear God- I pray for some kind of reprieve, something.  I want to hear from James or see his face.  I ask the universe all the time to please show me what I need to do, but for the love of GOD or Zeus please PLEASE fucking show me in a way where I know for sure what the fuck you mean!  I get some dreams, symbolism, songs and I feel like they are messages or signs of some sort but then there seems to always be some ambiguity like- so does it mean this or that?

I just want a fucking message from the man I love more than life itself.  I miss his face!  I miss his voice!  I miss the way he walks.  I miss how it feels when he holds my hand.  I miss how sweet his laugh sounds.

I'm aching badly.  I don't write here often because how I feel never changes.  I ache every day.  I am always thinking of him, always loving him, always missing him.  I know me.  I know my heart.  I know how I feel.  I love me and who I am, and I love James.  I am so ready to do what he told me and that is "You need to learn how to accept love."  And he told me he loves me and wants me in his life, and he told me, "Accept that."  I am very ready to accept his love.  I want him here with me to love me, and I would gladly accept that love.  I do deserve to be loved but I want to be loved by James.  I miss him.  It's been too long since I have heard his voice or seen his face or been in contact with the man I love- and every single day like this hurts.  I do the best I can to deal with it.  But there is no "overcoming" it or being "joyful."  I feel sad, often.  And happy at the same time, sometimes.  I smile and live and laugh like I have to.  Sometimes.  Other times I cry and feel really blue no matter what I do.  Sometimes I want to scream.  Quite often I want to scream.  I feel unfulfilled and achy.  I want James to touch me and hold me and kiss me.  I miss his smile.  I miss how safe warm and right it feels to be held by him.  I totally remember when we dated and it was SO EASY to be together, to talk.  To text or email and get a response!  To talk and share and feel safe and trusting.  It was wonderful when he came over to visit me.  I was able to see him and speak with him and be with him.  To HUG him.  He always walked in the door and greeted me with a big smile and a warm hug and a kiss.  But those hugs.  He hugged me when we first met, and he hugged me when we met last year. 

I miss his hugs.  I hurt.  I miss him so much.

I just wish we could hold each other.  For a very very long time.