Never Goes Away

Obviously I don't write here often anymore.  I don't have much to say as it pertains to twin souls or twin flames.  I wish I could tell you that James and I have had some type of "reunion" but that hasn't happened.  I have a very good blessed life, and I thankful for the life I have.  My life is filled with love. 

Despite all the goodness I still miss James a lot.  Yesterday my friend Beverly came over to visit with me.  She is by far my dearest friend, and she understands me.  My boyfriend and I are engaged.  And people are wondering why I am not "gleeful" and squeeing it out all over my Facebook page.  Bev says she thinks I am in turmoil, and in a way I am.  Why?  Because I dreamed of something different.  I dreamed of being married to James.  I've always wanted it to be James.  But I live in the here and now, and my boyfriend Dave is a dear man.  He truly is, and he loves me so much, and I feel like I am meant to be in his life, in the here and now.

It is really difficult for me to express how I feel.  I feel... unnerved.  Unsettled.  Just now I started crying and I needed to come and blog.  Bev has ALWAYS believing my experience with James; she even dreamed of him once.  She dreamed he came to one of our big friend parties and everyone was able to meet him.  Just like my sister dreamed of our wedding.  I wanted those experiences so badly, and I am still not "over it."  I'm not.  Even after all of this time I still feel melancholy about him.  I love James.  I hope he's happy, wherever he is.  I don't know anything about his life right now.  I only remember the man I met and fell hard in love with, the best love I've ever been in.

W can't hide from our hearts.  I can't hide from my heart.  My heart knows the inner truest depths of how I feel.  Yes I am happy.  Yes I love Dave.  I guess I feel like since there is no James in my life then it is inevitable that I will marry David one day.  As I always say, he is a very good man and I love him.  I care about Dave deeply, and I do love him.  But GOD DAMN it is so fucking hard to still love this other man, and to wonder where he is, and to dream about him, and to... remember him so clearly, and to yearn to hear from him and know him again.

I still wish I could meet James again and sit down to talk with him.  I wish we could talk, like really truthfully honestly talk.  The man I met the night I turned 40- he was a sweet dear dreamboat of a man.  And I miss him.  I've been feeling off kilter for the last few days, and I think now I realize it's because I am trying to ignore my heart, push away how I feel because IT IS NOT CONVENIENT.  What would be convenient is to enjoy my life, be happy, be happy in love, be excited to get married, plan how and when we are going to get married, feel light-hearted about it all, and revel in the fact that this dear man David thinks I am perfection and loves me with all of his heart.  But I am finding it really hard to let go.  It hurts.  I am torn. 

How am I torn?  I guess I feel better living with Dave, loving him, sharing life with him without thinking about tomorrow or making societal commitments.  I'm super struggling.  I want to see James again so badly.  Even thought I don't write much in my journal anymore, and I don't really do anything to try (with my energy) to clear the connection or "reach out to him" with my mind/heart/energy- I still miss him.  And I think what happens is I push all of that stuff to the side and all of a sudden it all hits me so hard. 

My son wants to be a Geologist.  Of course he does.  He's in love with rocks right now, and all he wants to do is prospect and find gems and learn about them.  He's a huge Minecraft fan and he likes to take it "into the real world" by learning about stones, finding them, etc.  I miss my Geologist.  I miss the conversations I had with James.  They were so inspiring; he was so inspiring.  And he was so sweet to me.  I ache because I still know in my heart that he loved me dearly, and that love never really went anywhere.  I could tell the last time I heard his voice that he still loved me.  And I have to think that he must still think of me from time to time.  He was really in love with me after we met and spent time together.  He was excited about knowing me.  I remember all that.  And nothing changed.  Nothing changed!  It was all so mystical and weird but nothing changed. 

So yes, this still bothers me.  I just don't write much because I don't have a lot to say, and I wish it could be different.  I wish I could talk to James.  I don't know what would happen after that but I wish, oh how I wish, to sit and talk with my friend again.  I have these two different scenarios, right?  I feel like if I were to sit and talk with James again only one of two things could happen. 

1- we'd sit and talk and James would be the same kind sweet man I knew when I met him.  Kind of like all of the crazy never happened.  I had moments like that over the years after he was gone- all of a sudden we'd reconnect and it would be like ALL of the weirdness never happened.  It wouldn't be mentioned at all, or he'd gloss over it and it would be all normal and good and loving and kind- strange but I learned to accept that none of this has been normal, and that can happen.  Once the energy is clear (and focused only on truth and love) then it all just falls back into place.  So I feel like there would be chance we'd sit and talk and he'd tell me he still thinks of me and how have I been, and boy I still look pretty, and he'd be sweet and kind and he'd still like me, a lot. 

And then there is 2- I think what I want most is this: I want to be able to sit and talk with James like two grown adults, respectfully, and totally honestly.  I wish I could tell him that... I know it seemed really crazy.  And even if he didn't exactly experience the things that I did (the cause and effect, me being the cause and he being the effect) I realize what was happening, even if I don't understand why exactly it was with him, and I learned from it, and I'm sorry, and I've missed him.  I want to be able to hug him and tell him I've never experienced pain like I have from missing him.  That I've missed him every single day since we parted and I've never forgotten him and I've always loved him, no matter what.  That I hope he's very happy and enjoying his life.  I hope he is loved.  James is the type of man who enjoys being in a loving committed relationship and I hope he's been loved by someone wonderful, who truly loves him and cares for him- he deserves that.  Even so I wish I could spill it all, tell him that yes it was scary but I get it, and I love him dearly.  And I miss him.  I wish we could both tell each other, "Man that was some weird shit," and ACKNOWLEDGE that we really did share something "magical" even if... it was so chaotic and strange.  I guess I crave having an open honest talk about what happened (not digging up details) but just to say, "Damn it was strange- I could mention you here where I am and you'd immediately comment on it via email even though you had no "real life" idea what I'd said- like, we are that connected."  Or were.  Are we still now?  I don't know.  Maybe?

I'm not sure what happens with "twin souls."  I'm not sure what to think about this concept of twin souls.  I don't know if it was James because I prayed so hard for EXACTLY him and then he was so strongly energetically connected to me that the entire experience revolved around that manifestation aspect, the cause and effect between us because we were a couple and I thought about him constantly and with tons or energy and emotion... and maybe that is "all" a "twin flame" is.  I don't know.  Whatever he is to me he made a huge impact in my life and I miss him dearly.  I miss my friend.  I remember our long chats well into the night.  I remember our first AMAZING kiss, OMG.  I can't help it.  I'd love to kiss him again.  I miss his face, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, and I miss his tender touch and his kisses, and his hugs. 

I wish all along, when we were apart, I would have just let myself MISS him, even if it meant being sad.  Instead of being afraid or thinking the worst or all of that.  THAT was what kept him away from me, and I would, to this day, bet my life on that knowledge.  Had I trusted him, held on only to him being a good man, not doubted, etc. then a lot of the crazy would not have happened.  What a hard lesson to learn.

I can only tell myself that I will again see him one day and talk with him and it will be friendly and loving and kind, the same energy as when we met.  The same sweet connection, the friendship, the laughter, the joy, the bliss.  I will always love James.  Nothing in my life changes that fact.

Again, sometimes it hurts.  It all comes rushing up to me and I can't deny that I miss him still.  James was one of the very best things to ever happen to me, and I wish I still had him as part of my life.  I miss my friend and my love.

I can't help my love, my heart.  I really can't.

xxoo

Jennifer

My Sweetest Friend

I heard the song "Come to Me" again yesterday.  I don't know if it was just an accident or if I was meant to hear it.  It will always remind me of James, always.  Every part of that song speaks to me.  But I think the part that gets me most is:

Come to me my sweetest friend.  Can you feel my heart again?

"My sweetest friend."  I don't think I am eloquent enough to explain how those words make me feel.  James was my friend.  Yes he was my boyfriend for a short time, and my lover for an even shorter time but he was my FRIEND.  I MISS my friend!  I miss my friend so much!  So when I hear that song, those words, it makes my heart melt.

My sweetest friend.  I miss my sweetest friend.  Yes it's been a while.  I know that.  But when you love someone I guess that love lasts forever.  I love hard.  Always have.  And apparently my heart has the capacity to love more than one person at a time.  Because I will always love James, no matter what.

Yeah I know this blog must sound like the ramblings of a really weird woman.  I get it.  I have a boyfriend but MAN at least when I go to sleep at night I know I've been honest and true to my heart.  I was able to express my love for James this whole time, and maybe that might not seem like a lot to anyone else but it is huge for me, to be able to be honest about my love.  I still love him.  And I will always wish that I could see him, talk with him and know him again.

I wish I could hug James again.

Maybe it is the holidays.  I don't know.  I just miss him.  I wish I could see his face.  His beautiful face and gorgeous blue eyes and sweet smile.  I remember his touch.  How when he would lean into kiss me he would place his hand on the side of my face and lean my face into his kiss with a smile.  I can't help it.  I remember, and I miss him.

I've never enjoyed kissing anyone like I enjoyed kissing him.  I have learned that I can love again but my heart will never love like I loved James. 

Twin Soul?  I don't know.  I can't label it.  All I know is no one else has been my full mirror like James, and yeah he showed me a lot of myself that I didn't want to see but I needed to and I do my best to shift around.  But you know what aches?  On a purely human level?  When we met we had both been with people who were not our perfect match.  He'd been hurt a bit too.  And he told me when he met me he'd finally found the woman he had been hoping and wishing for.  We were a perfect fit.  We talked for hours.  We could sit in a room talking, hugging, kissing for hours needing nothing but each other.  No TV.  No cell phones.  Nothing but each other.  We text, called and emailed all the time and never got tired of hearing from each other.  I KNOW that man loved hearing for me.  That is what makes it, to this day, unbelievable.  I KNOW James enjoyed talking with me and knowing me.  I KNOW he loved me.  I know it.  Maybe I had a hard time believing it back then but looking back, I know he loved me dearly.  He thought I was wonderful.  He just really really loved me.  I know that.  Time has passed but I feel like... he must think of me.  Because what we shared was perfection and it never really ended.

I must be fucking stubborn to a fault.  Believe me many days I consider... maybe it's time.  But I just can't.  I can't "let go."  I NEED truth.  I need to speak with James again.  I will finally feel settled when I speak with him and he sounds like the sweet kind thoughtful caring gentle loving peaceful friendly funny generous considerate respectful dear dear man I met, knew and fell in love with.  I swear if I could hear from him, speak with him, and experience that man again- I might be okay.  I need to have that reflection.

If he was my reflection then, then when I had so much shit inside of me that needed to be cleared, why can't he be my reflection now?  I don't want someone else to be my reflection NOW.   James was the one to show me all of THAT, and I have worked so fucking hard to clear myself of the muck and the mud and the darkness and the anger.  I have tried to be SO conscious.  I do my very best to ignore anything negative or low and focus only on the positive, on my blessings, on being loving and kind.  I wish James could pop back into my life and be a reflection of who I am now.

I believe my current boyfriend is my reflection.  That is why he thinks I am so sweet.  But I want James to come back to me and be able to show me that too.  He was my mirror then and I want him to do the same now, now when I am more clear and happy and sound and peaceful and grateful. 

I want my friend back.  Dear God please I want my friend back in my life.  My loving endearing kind gentle wonderful adorable friend.

Come to my my sweetest friend.  I think of you all the time.  I hope you are well and I miss you.

Jennifer

I Should Have Hugged You

Man I still think about James.  Not as often, and it doesn't really hurt like it used to.  Some of that is because my life is super happy right now.  I am fulfilled.  I have a great family, wonderful friends, my son is such a darling, my career is amazing, I'm sewing and drawing and making wonderful stuff and I have a very sweet loving kind boyfriend in my life.  So my life is full, and my mind is full.  I don't think about James as much as I used to.

Then sometimes I hear a song or see something like this and my heart melts. I think back to the last time I saw him when he came to see me.  And it was SO weird, so unreal, so shocking and all of that- I was taken off guard.  I wish I could go back and do it over again.  There are things I would change.  I would have just let him embrace me and not said a word.  Kissed him and owned it.  Kissed him and told God inside that see I knew he's loved me all along and couldn't wait to kiss me again.  I could FEEL his longing for me.  It was there.  And it wasn't a sexual longing but instead a longing to be near me, to hold me again.

If I could do it over I would just sit there and kiss him and hug him, no worries, no doubts, no fears.

And before he left that night I wish I would have hugged him tighter and harder.  I had no idea it was going to be the last time I would see his face in... three years now?  I miss his face.  No matter how good life is, how much love I have in my life, I still miss James' beautiful face. 

I remember he sent me a message once, after being gone for a long time, and he told me he wished he could come back and be "intimate" with me again.  I love that choice of word, intimate.  It's so special, soft and caring.  A cuddle is intimate.  I soft gentle late-night conversation is intimate.  Kissing is intimate.  Foreheads together smiling at each other is intimate. 

Intimate.

Hugging is intimate.

I wish I would have hugged you longer the last time I saw you.

I wish I could hug you again.

I miss your sweet kind smile.

Jen

Memories

I heard this song not long ago and it really made me think.  The words explain my heart.  He sings that we can cheer for those who are with us right now and still think of those who are not with us now.  But one part where he sings that he can't pick up the phone and call right now but will one day, man, that hit me hard.

I wish I was in contact with James.  I will always wish that.  I miss my friend.  I miss talking with him, laughing with him, sharing with him and seeing his smile.  I heard another song today, one that really reminds me, and I have not heard it in a long time so it grabbed my attention.  And I cried which I rarely do over this situation any longer.

My life is super happy, as I've said.  I honestly try to live my best life.  I've learned to always lean towards being loving, kind, grateful and positive as often as possible, if not always.  Life flows a lot smoother that way.  We leave for Disney World Sunday morning.  I am SO blessed, and I realize this and I am thankful for it, truly.

The other night my boyfriend Dave and I were together when my friend Lori text me.  Lori is my "twin soul" friend who I've known for about 5 years now.  We've walked this path together, thank God.  She is like me, super independent, strong, happy, loving, has a great life.  But she still gets signs of her twin soul.  And she still loves him.  So sometimes we reach out to each other when the signs are strong, or we have a dream, or just those times when our hearts might ache a little more than others.

Dave asked me, "Is everything okay?" and I told him yes, that it was Lori texting me.  And we began talking about James.  I told Dave I know I have not said anything about James in a long time, and that's because Dave is SO good to me so I feel like I should just keep it to myself, but that it's still there.  Dave is such an amazing man.  He again told me if someday I were to see James again he understands all of it, and he agreed from the beginning to understand and respect my heart and feelings.

So I tell myself to live each day like this song- to love, embrace, accept, enjoy and be grateful for all the love I have in my life right now.  But at the same time allow myself the dream of seeing James again.  I still think about him every day.  I get frustrated because I know what was true for us: he loved me greatly, and that love never ended.  I know it might seem crazy but I remember after allllll the time that passed, all the weirdness that happened, months in almost years of quiet and STILL he reached out to me and told me that I was right, he loved me and always had.  I knew that, and I still believe it now.;

My prayer is one day one of those "miracles" happen where somehow my heart, my thoughts, my intentions, my energy are clear and aligned to a point where James can reach out to me.  I kinda gave up trying to reach out "in real life."  I know that doesn't work unless things are aligned, and I guess I just... I dunno.  I have more faith that he'll reach out on his own when/if that times comes.  I have hope that one day it will happen.

This song "Memories" though, wow.  It is exactly how I feel.  I can't help but miss him.  I still do. 

Jen

What I'm Doing Now

This is my art.  For years I've always loved colorful fun paintings of women's faces.  I would try to draw and UGH it looked horrid.  I chalked it up to not having much skill in drawing.  But then one day I saw a book at the art store called "Drawing Beautiful Faces" so I bought it and started practicing and found that I love drawing ladies' faces but in a very whimsical fantastical way.  The book and also a Youtube video taught me how to chart where the features should be placed on the face.  That helped a lot!

I don't like drawing bodies or clothes so I avoid that, just faces is what appeals to me.  And some little fun animals.  I have more art supplies that JoAnn's and Michael's combined so there is no lack of stuff in my house to keep me busy.  I'm also making art journals and I hope by this time next year to do selling my stuff in art shows. 

It helps keep me busy and my mind in the right place.

I love Halloween and have decided to sell my art under the name "One Salty Witch."

Although this one is sassy as well as salty.

 

Yes I still think about James.  I've written on and off about him here, and I still have one really good female "twin soul friend" I met about 5 years ago; she and I still believe in our journey and we still chat about the signs we get and the hope that one day we will be able to know these two sweet men again.  It is still very difficult for me to come to terms with because I've never lost anyone close to me before.  I may not have known James for very long but I did get extremely close to him.  When you read about how a twin flame gets very VERY close to you and then is suddenly gone, well that is what happened to me.  It is six years later.  I've had a variety of men I've loved in my life and STILL James made the largest impact on me.  I fell entirely in love with him, and that love has never left me.  I've never gotten over the fact that one day he was in my life, hardcore, and the next *poof* disappeared.  Yes, I still... ache over that loss.  I grieve, in my own private way.

I still miss James a lot.  My heart aches for him.  I think the *only* thing that could ever change that is if he was in my life again, if I knew him again like I did when we met.  THEN my heart would feel better.  Until that day I will have this yearning.  I've never ever believed that if it "hurts" then it is a bad thing.  I don't feel that we can help how our hearts feel, our emotions, especially when coming from the place of deeply loving someone who is no longer in your life, are not really controllable.

I do spend time here and there reminding myself of our good times.  I DEFINITELY enjoy the life I am living right now.  I make sure to enjoy every day and love dearly those people who are in my life.  I don't take that for granted while longing for something I don't have.  I love, respect and enjoy what I do have but at the same time I also still wish to know James again.  I want to talk to him, like sit down and just have a normal real honest conversation with him.  It's always felt so abnormal when that stopped happening.  It always will feel "wrong" to me, abnormal, "not of this world."  I hope one day that changes and I hear from him and we can meet and hug and talk like two people who care about each other.  I still hope and pray for that miracle to happen.

I'll always believe James is a special soul connection to me, definitely the strongest soul connection I've had.  Whether I label it a twin soul or twin flame or whatever- doesn't really matter.  It is more the connection I know we had where I would think something and he would know it, and all the rest of the magic we shared.  Like... how can someone I was that close with physically, emotionally and even energetically be just gone?  I really hope one day to get the affirmation I long for, to have him back in my life, to know he's that special connection, the one that never breaks, the one that can always somehow someway come back. 

Reunion.  I want that.  Re-union.  We had union and I want it back.  

I still love him and miss him dearly. I think that's why my ladies have a wistful look.  At the same time I really do stay full of positive loving energy, as much as I can!  I do love my life a lot.  I just wish James could be part of it.

xxoo

Jen

Happy Birthday!

Today is James' birthday.   I wish him a very happy, joyous, peaceful birthday spent with those he loves. It has been a while since we met and I realize how weird it seems that I'm here after all these years but no one has had more impact on me than him so here I am.

Happy birthday. Thank you for being my twin soul. No matter where you are right now I will love you forever for all you've done for me. I hope you have a wonderful birthday 

Xoxo

Jennifer 

Find Me

This song.

"It's taken losing you to know."

I've learned so much since losing you.  I never imagined I would love a man like I love you, although I was shown.  I had the song in my head before I met you.  The one that showed me I was going to meet a love that I could not get over, one I could not let go of.  I was shown, and while at that time I didn't understand it soon became clear. 

I've come to love again.  Because my heart is large and open.  But you are not replaceable.  No matter how sweet this new love is, what a blessing it is, it does not replace how I feel for you.

You are irreplaceable to me.

I didn't know how magical it would be.  I was shown, yes, but I didn't understand and oh how I wish I had understood!  I wish!

The day I met you in person my fortune cookie told me I was lucky enough to ask and blessed enough to receive.  It also told me my energy is magnetic but to be careful because I could also repel.  And then you came to me, my gift.

I miss you.

I will love you forever.

You told me it was not goodbye but until next time.  I still wish hope and pray to see you and talk with you again.  I an only continue to hope that one day my wishes come true.

I am an admitted endlessly hopeful bright shining love.  A stubborn love.  And I will always love you. 

xxoo honey