I know I am being very repetetive and maybe some people will get tired of my blog now but that's okay. Some day I will very happily be able to come on here and report that James and I are back together in all ways. For now this is my area to share my feelings so my apologies that I now use this space to honor my union and share my overwhelming love for my Love.
As you know, I am concentrating only on the TRUTH which is the love and kindness and acceptance that James showed me. I realize this process has forced me to face fears and "scoop myself clear" of all non-Light bearing bullshit 3D ego muck inside of me. Yet to me what it feels like is "I want my sweet boyfriend back."
That said, I've been thinking a lot about him {big surprise, right?} and this song made me think of him due to the words, "For God's sake dear." It made me think of truth, and I'll tell you why. He said very strongly that he believed in us. We were on the phone after that having one of our really sweet long talks. He is such a dear, and his voice is adorable. Soft and gentle yet still super sexy. And he told me that he really loved my spiritual side, my God-loving side. I teased him about it due to his Atheism but he said that he loves how passionate I am for what I believe in. This is a man who asked me three times to read his tarot cards, asked me until I relented and read them, and then when I was finished very genuinely asked me if I could pull a card for "us." And he was not teasing me. He was being very respectful. So he told me he was talking to one of his science cohorts where he worked and told him he was dating "this really nice woman who talks to angels" or something like that, lol! And he kinda chuckled when he said it but I guess the guy said to him, "Really?" and James told me that he told him yes, and he really appreciated me and thought my belief was inspiring. And James told me to write a book about God because he'd never heard anyone explain God like I did to him. He totally accepts and respects me and my beliefs, just as I do him.
So that was when we dated. And that was truth. I know he loves me, and I know he totally accepts and embraces my beliefs. It's so not a big deal to us, me believing strongly in this "God" force and him following science and logic and "theory" and being inspired by the universe. Same difference, although I will admit logic is not my strong suit, lol. But we are very similar.
I loved talking religion and science and God with James but honestly I loved kissing him even more. If I had to choose between discussing either science or religion I'd pick science every time. His passion for science tapped into something inside of me. I've always loved the universe and the sky; big sky-watcher. I am fascinated with space although I am not a fact-geek like he is. But meeting him and hearing his passion, experiencing his love for Physics and Biology and humanity and the earth touched me. He inspires me. Such a good person, and I do know this is truth. And I know how important it is to have a strong inner knowing about him, his truth and OUR truth concerning the love we have for each other.
It is easy when adversity strikes to let go of a good memory, or to allow fear to "taint" the truth. And I can't do that. I almost let fear steal him from me, and I won't allow it. Even if he is not here with me I refuse to let fear make James into something he is not; how fair would that be? That would be a tragedy, a sad state of affairs. I have been fighting for my truth but now it is slipping into more of a "knowing" that he loves me and always has, and he loves me for what resides INSIDE of me. He is attracted to my outside too, lol, but more because he's so drawn to my soul, and the same goes for me with him. I love everything about him down to the way he walks. Even the goofy way he is put together, and the fact that he's tiny compared to the men I "liked" before him. His Light shines SO brightly that it wipes away all else. What I am left with is knowing how good he was to me and my son when he blessed my life. Sweetest thing that's ever happened to me besides my child was meeting James. Having him walk up to me on our first date to hug me and with a smile say, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be." And it so was not a "line." He was genuine. And he held my hand. And gave me the best blue moon birthday first kiss EVER.
Also- not only do I believe that he loves me but I cannot let go of knowing what a good loving man he is, and he is. He showed me such compassion and love and empathy, so generous and kind. Fear has also been shown to be through him since we separated- it's what twin souls do. And when that fear is mirrored through them back to us it can be scary and very easy to let that fear become truth. I won't let that happen. I will defend my truth and defend him and love him like I have been asked to.
Some may say I am living in the past and that's okay. I am ensuring I concentrate on my truth because I refuse to allow my sweet loving memories be taken from me, tainted by fear. Fear sucks man. Fear has been a torturous nemesis to face down, and this ain't been no laughing matter. But I love this man enough to know who he truly is, the one who has had to help me face my fears. He deserves such devotion from me for how precious he treated me when he was with me. Maybe most people would not be able to understand, and that's fine. They don't have to understand. What matter is how *I* feel, and whether or not I feel I am following Divine Will. I sure as Hell am doing my best, that's for sure.
This reminds me of my sweet scientist boyfriend, so much. He once wrote to me and said, "You asked me why I am so nice. It's because I was shaped by people like this, Carl Sagan. I think you'll like this." And yes, he IS a nice man. And I love him with all my heart. And my soul.
This is a beautiful speech by Carl Sagan, and so true. These is the type of information that James introduced me to.
My scientist, my friend, my love. Watching all these cosmos-type videos and "Symphony of Science" totally remind me of you. Love you.
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