I do not feel good today. I need this work day to end so I can get the Hell out of here.
I'm preoccupied. I miss James so much I can barely stand it. I only tolerate it because I have to. What other choice do I have? But OH MY GOD this is not a good feeling. I feel antsy and unsettled. I just want to talk to him. TALK to him. I want to talk to my friend. I know James cares about me. I know he'd talk with me. We should be talking, knowing each other.
This all does not feel real, and it hurts. I miss him. I want to talk with James like we used to! We should be. We should be talking and happy and laughing and getting along fabulously. When he was here last I trusted him because I know he loves me. I know he needed to see me too.
But damn being apart hurts.
I am frustrated.
I don't like how this feels. It aches. It is an uncomfortable ache. I need him in my life. I at least need to talk with him honestly. I want to hear truth from James. I want the fucking truth! I want to talk with him where he sounds like the man I met, fell in love with and dated!
That is what feels so wrong and frustrating to me. This silence is not right. I know him. I know he cares about me. Even when we met last year he looked at me and said, "I do love talking with you." And I KNOW he does. I know this. And I want to talk with him. I want to talk honestly and openly and I want that now. Each moment that passes like this feels like I want to fucking SCREAM. Because it is not right.
It's not normal.
I know truth. I know we should be talking, friends, caring for each other. Ugh! I want to talk to him! I want to know my friend again. I want to know the kind funny smart man I met. The guy who held my hand on our first date and talked about the universe. Who went to the park with me. Who did not try to kiss me in my dark house when I had to pee. Who was so damn cute in his Atheist t-shirt that I felt weak in my knees- those glowing blue eyes and his smile is killer.
I can't even. Dear Lord this hurts. It hurts. I want to talk to him. I MISS him. I love him and miss him and need him. I want to talk with James. We should talk! We should be connected and having fun and laughing. That is US.
I don't mean to be negative! I have no patience. The only "patience" I have comes with holding on to what I want while I freak the fuck out inside because I need him. I have no other patience. Patience is a not a virtue I care about. What I care about is getting through this so I can talk with this man like normal. Like we used to. Like the people we ARE. We are both good normal happy regular healthy stable balanced people! We should be able to hear from each other.
And yes he is the only man I want in my life. James. I hope he realized that I've kept myself for him. Because he is who I want. I want to make love to him for like three weeks straight. I want to fuck his brains out. I want to kiss his naked body top to bottom one hundred times over. I want to ravish him and cuddle with him. I want pillow talk. I want to laugh and be close and talk in bed like we used to.
It is really hard to live like this. This feeling inside of me is not easy to deal with. He was here last year. We kissed and made love. We were close and intimate and I NEED HIM. I have no qualms in saying that. I do not love him because I need him. I need him because I LOVE him. I love him so much and this is not fun. I feel like I am going out of my mind. It is a very frustrating feeling. I have to pray for tolerance and temperance because I don't have much of either right now. My fuse is short. I ache and that pushes my limits. I want to get the fuck out of work, maybe scream and cry in my car for a bit, and then go get my child to start my weekend.
I pray for some positive change because this feels like I'm gonna lose it. This ain't normal. I know that. But no matter what it is- I want to talk to James again like we used to when it was real and honest and genuine. Truth. I need that. Until I get it I'm going to feel like this and I don't like it.
There are a few changes I am working on making. One is being careful who I talk to and what I say. I think I say too much or the wrong things to certain people, and I should be more quiet. At this point I'll try pretty much anything.
I LOVE him. I adore him. There is a gaping raw hole in my life where he is missing. It hurts. I want to feel good and balanced, peaceful and happy but I do not. At all. And the kicker is I am actually a happy easy-going laid back person by nature! I am fairly "child-like" in my existence- I make fart jokes, burp and laugh about it, hate schedules, would rather play and be happy than anything else. I am so low-maintenance. I roll with the flow. I'd rather go fishing than be out at the bar or sitting inside somewhere. My new boss told me she loves that I accept change well. I just kind go with it. Why stress about shit? I'm a great person to know. So is James. We make a good pair so the fact that things are like this... well, I want him WITH me. In my life.
I would be so much more MYSELF if he was back in my life. Right now, going through this, I feel like a shell of myself. I feel like I am fighting to even be close to who I really am. I'm not this sad tearful person by nature! NOT! I am social and fun and talkative. I don't shut up. I love meeting new people. I'm not called a Pollyanna for nothing- I am friendly. I am GENUINE and real in a society full of fake jaded people. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have an open heart. But going through this takes my shine away. I have to struggle to feel happiness. I often feel sad, down or I want to cry because I MISS someone special literally every minute I am awake.
I need this to change. Soon. I beg God please help me change this. I want to hear from James so bad. I need to talk to my caring friend. I want that. I hope for it. I wish to hear from him soon.
Yeah, I sound pretty nuts because that is how I feel. I miss him. I miss him so so much.
Jennifer
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