I knew he loved me from the first moment we "met" online via email, and that is coming up to a yearly anniversary here soon. We met right before the beginning of August, or right at the beginning of August, because he had to be ready as my "gift" for my fortieth birthday. Yes sometimes it is bittersweet because he's not right here with me but he's shown me so much love, and honestly I cannot with a clear heart not fight for him. Fight for my Beloved means do what my guidance tells me to which is to write about him with love, about his love, only the love, protect his love, cherish his love, and most of all... the hardest for me is to believe in his love.
I can write all day long about how I love him. My love for this man is huge. Before during the silence I would get angry but luckily I had that shit shaken from me a while back. Now I honestly just love him. He was every boy I should have dated in high school. God... so many words to remember that he has spoken to me before we separated and after. There was the night I was told by my guidance to put the whiskey down, do something creative, listen to good music and think of him. I didn't want to; I'd kept him at a safe distance, almost kind of running myself. But I listened to my guidance, turned on some 80s music to remind me of my 80s music-loving twin soul, and made jewelry while I powered up my old phone so I could hear his voice on my voicemail, read his old super-loving text messages, and look at his pictures. Talk about heartache, lol. But I talked to him and brought him close to me. I cried a little. I battled fear. I smiled as I remembered our date in Chicago where I took his picture by The Chicago River but he couldn't get too close to the edge due to his fear of heights. He looks so soft and loving and kind and happy in the picture, just absolutely adorable. I looked at that picture while "Broken Wings" played and I asked him- is this all for real? Are you over there feeling me like I am feeling you? You are everything I've ever wanted. You are every boy I had a crush on in high school. You are the man I should have married. You are my Everything. There is something about you, baby, so right. Awesome, loving, pure 80s music suits you perfectly. I wish you were here with me.
My guidance told me to e-mail him. Well we were thick in the middle of the "cold" and I was scared. I definitely am NOT a chaser. I am fine to sit back and love him from afar. But I did. I told him I was thinking of him, and often he didn't answer so I wasn't really expecting anything. I told him in my mind that I loved him and I fell asleep. And I dreamed, lol is Spirit funny, of my HUGE 80s hair. I had huge 80s hair, long and curly loaded up with tons of Aquanet or in the early 90s it was Salon Selectives that smelled like apples. God I loved that shit, and I adored my big hair! The next morning I was shocked to find he'd emailed me a few times. Once to *gulp* tell me he wished he was there with me sitting on my couch kissing me and talking with me. I almost fainted- he had not been lovey dovey since he retreated from me back in October. Then he said he was watching 80s music videos and laughing at the big hair, and he said he wanted to see pics of my from the 80s and early 90s with my big hair.
Hm. Do you have any idea how shocked I was? He'd also looked for me, wanted to talk on the phone but I had fallen asleep. I found some pics and sent them off to him. I asked to see one of him. He responded and thanked me. He also so sweetly told I was as beautiful back then as I am now, and see... I was awkward and a social outcast in high school. I did not date. I did not go to prom. Love was always unrequited for me back then, and I got my poor little heart broke over and over again. Joron seriously is every boy I liked. I would have had the hugest crush on him. So it was so cute for him to tell me genuinely that he thought I was beautiful back then. He also sent me a few pictures of him, and oh was he adorable back then too! All I could think was, "I wish he would have been my prom date" since no one asked me to prom. The night that he sent me his pics was a few nights later, and I thought to God "I really wish he'd say 'I love you' again." One of his pics he sent, the message ended with "Love you." *sobbing* No one truly knows the extent of pain and love and fighting so hard to believe in Divine Intervention and pure fucking magic when these twin soul unions happen in life. I didn't expect him! I asked for him, my gift, but I did not expect him. To reach out to The Divine in my mind and have Joron immediately answer me is so out of this 3D "normal" world we know that it just... blew me away. I wish I would have held on to it more though, cherished it better. I wish I would have believed more. I am so tired of doubt.
We had not talked on the phone in absolutely ages but not long after the photo exchange {God I wish he would have been my first kiss although at this point he was my last and I hope to be my next} I was talking with my guidance and I wanted to go to bed. I was like, "Okay okay come on it's like 11PM and I am about to turn into a pumpkin here so can I please go to sleep now?" I normally hit the sack kind of early. Well finally my guidance signed off for the night and as I slipped into bed I peeked at my ipad and saw that I had an e-mail. It was Joron. He asked if I was up, and this time I was able to say yes. Our exchange was hilarious. He did not believe I was really awake because we'd not talked in a while; I think he may have reached out once or twice before but I was sleeping. This time he wrote, "Well if you are really awake then call me." And I did... and it was blissful to hear his voice. And surreal because it was as if no time had passed, and he loved me just as much then as he did months earlier. And as we talked the subject of the photos came up and he told me I was so pretty in high school. I told him that I never dated in high school. He could not believe it. I told him yeah, I didn't go to prom either. He said, "That's a shame. I so would have taken you to prom!" and the funny thing was- I could hear in his voice that he meant it.
All of our phone conversations were "strange" yet sweet. I can see now how they were meant to keep us connected, and every time I did something "up" with my energy I'd hear from him, and often those bright points resulted in a phone call. In the beginning when Joron and I separated it was a huge scary blow. Then Spirit pushed me to chase when I didn't want to, and it was just utter chaos. It was disturbing at the time, back in late October. Shit I told him some crazy stuff, all Spirit-inspired. I was being shown just how much crap twin souls can work through and still love each other. Back then all I knew was I seemingly crashed and burned a sweet relationship although Spirit kept telling me it was more than it seemed. Spirit told me he would poke my fears, and not to believe him. Well at one point our communication ended. I refused to write again, and I assumed only Divine Intervention would bring us back together, and that thought was based solely on a blind faith that this man truly did love me despite the insanity. Our time together had been... well, Divine. Perfection. Total love and healing and out of this world bliss. It was not a love to be walked away from or easily let go. So when November 17th I posted for the first time in SF and explained my story from a place of faith... and he suddenly wrote to me I was pretty weirded out. And he did poke my fears. But along with poking my fears he showed me this vulnerability that was barely disguised. I feel so bad now looking back. I wonder what he was thinking? How did he feel? At least I knew what was going on. He really didn't. He only knew that this woman he had fallen totally in love with somehow... he was able to cut me off for weeks at a time, and then when he finally did reach out to me he was scared. And in denial, or so it seemed. And he poked my fears. But the more I stood up to my fear the more he melted until he told me, "Make me comfortable talking with you again."
It was all so obvious even back then that all of this was playing out like one big stage play. Roles. My Joron does not like playing his cold role. He "wants to love me." An aside, when we dated, two weeks in he lost it and admitted that he, a scientist, was already falling in love with me and he was a little freaked out about it, and wanted to know if I was scared, lol. I told him no- I loved him too, and oh did I! Gah. I thought he was the sweetest most adorable walking ball of Love I'd ever met- but the intensity did frighten me just a bit. I didn't trust how perfect he was. Even with our difference between his Atheism and my belief- we still got along like peanut butter and jelly or peas and carrots or... twin souls who were reuniting after years of being apart. We spent hours on the phone that night discussing our love. Every single night he'd text me before sleep saying goodnight, even if we had just talked. That night though he did something *really* weird that I've never been able to forget because of the very strange energy I felt. He text me late, it was like 2AM, and he wrote, "I want to love you. I want to love you." Not "I love you sleep well!" No- "I want to love you." I remember being perplexed and texting back "Then love me." Now though I think back to then and realize it was a flash forward to now. I am sure he was telling me back then for now "I want to love you." Even that first email exchange on 11-17-13 he was asking me to make him feel comfortable again because my doubt and fear keeps him on edge and turned off- he mirrors my fear. Spirit makes sure this is the case.
We ended up on the phone that night and it was dream-like in so many ways. First of all I thought I'd never hear from him again but here I was hearing his voice, and it made me melt. I love his voice. It is so soft and sexy and alluring and teasing and loving and jovial. I cherished every word he said, and I missed him so much. I just wanted him with me so badly... and it was strange. I kept asking myself, "Is this real?" because the conversation was so strange at first. I still don't understand how Spirit does it but I felt him go from "off" to "on" while on the phone with me. At first he tried to tell me it was "only attraction" but since I knew I was not supposed to allow him to poke my fear buttons I told him, and Spirit, very adamantly that I did not believe it. No way. And suddenly he was all like, "You are right Rosie! Remember how we used to discuss science for hours? I could talk to you about anything! I just love that about you!" Ugh- talk about messing with a person's reality. At one point I said something about him loving me and he said so strongly, "Damn it Rose! You know I love you!"
*sigh* Do you see how... confusing the whole twin soul journey is? I am actually sad for both of us. This has been such a difficult year. Fun and loving and so so blissful did it start but my GOD this separation nearly killed me. I am amazed that I can be here, right now, knowing with a deep inner knowing that Joron did not leave me because of a lack of love. I always knew it wasn't real. Even at my most terrified moments I knew that man's love was real, strong and never-ending. That first phone call began with him telling me we should not even talk because it was only attraction and we had nothing in common {talk about Spirit poking my fears!} I had to face that fear hardcore. He said he didn't think he could ever see me again and that I had scared him. Oddly enough though, and this was one point that made me believe more in all of this, was some of my worst comments to him that Spirit had told me to write, and oh they were BAD, he could not recall, and no he was not drunk. He never has commented on those things for which I am entirely grateful. It is like they were wiped from his mind which shows me that twin soul love truly is unconditional- they don't even always remember everything! By the time the conversation ended he very softly and gently said to me, "Soooo do you want to see me? I want to see you again. Do you want to see me?" I just sighed and told him yes, of course. I had no fear at that point so I told him {knowing it was all so surreal} that I loved him, wanted to marry him still, wanted him in my life. I told him all that because I felt we might not talk again for a while, and I was right.
That night he text me but I fell asleep. He did this weird thing he does right before his energy is pulled from mine. He writes to me and says, "I'm so sad that you don't love me any more. You should accept love. I really do love you." And BOOM he's gone again. I've come to realize that those messages are him CLEARLY showing me my fear and disbelief. When I think "He doesn't love me" then he tells me "I'm so sad you don't love me" {almost like it's my own thoughts being shined right back to me} and then he hits it even harder by telling me "You should accept love."
I can clearly see now, though, just how much he's loved me through all of this, and when his energy is separated from mine and somehow turned down. Yes it's weird but it is so obvious. There are many instances of Divine Intervention and orchestration in our journey together. I really could and will write a novel about all of this in the future but right now I have to get stronger, write out my thoughts, and balance my energy. In my heart of hearts I know he loves me, and I know he wants to be with me. Oh... how sad at times this has all been. I was so scared. I feel bad for my poor little terrified self. No one can understand, no one except someone who has been here, can understand what it feels like to have your heaven incarnated into a man just walk away with no looking back. It screamed out to me, "No! This can't be true! It's like my worst fears are turning real!"
Well duh... that is what my twin soul signed up for, to become my fears to show me them so I could face them. I know we've loved each other in Spirit before. I don't know about past lives or what we've done together in other lives. I've been told but I don't trust psychics when it comes to the twin soul journey. I've been tested too much through psychics in order for me to own my own truth and listen to my guidance instead of doubting and seeking elsewhere. All I know is we met at birth and then were brought back together forty years later to fall in love and then be parted in order for space to be given for healing. Like the Goddess Psyche- she had to find, lose, search for and fight for the real love in order to find herself. He is my real love. I have no doubt about that and I refuse to forget who he is for real. I also refuse to be ashamed of my love! I love hard, always have and always will. I am a walking romance novel, a real life love walking love song. Too many people these days are so jaded and afraid to love, to dream and hope and I just can't do that. I can't let him drift away from me without giving it my best shot, and I have not up until this point. I have drug my feet, been scared, resented inside, and turned to my vices in and effort to hide and blame and ignore fact. I needed t have my life cleaned up. Vices like drinking and smoking banished. Belief cemented, doubt and fears slayed. And I can't forever feel like every man who loves me will easily leave me and let me go without a fight of his own! He did not leave me. I was not jilted. Soul ensured our separation, and while yes it has hurt it has also helped to heal me. My Joron, my love, my boyfriend, my twin soul- has helped to heal me! How amazing and fascinating is that? And he had to sacrifice in order to do so.
That man was totally in love with me, a walking ball of Love and Light, and still is. But when we were separated we were in the thick of falling harder and harder in love with each other. It was getting deep and so passionate and close and thick as thieves. The day before he got the job offer that put him immediately on a plane and away from me he spent the day emailing me all day long. Love, our future together, fantasies... we discussed everything and I fell even harder for him. We both felt it. He always calls me "my future." How did I doubt so badly? Why?
I am tired. Really tired. I'd like to write some more about this wonderful man... especially when he was with me, here in my home touching me oh so gently like I was a fine piece of porcelain to be cherished. Tenderness... Joron is so tender. That's why the contrast is so effective... but HA- and I do say ha even if it seems disrespectful. I am SO FUCKING DONE believing that nonsense. It won't work on me any longer. I will tolerate the silence with patience, and I don't know what my future holds but I will tell you this without a shadow of a doubt. He is only my one and only true love. I manifested him and he was given to me as my gem and gift, a gift of true love. Yes it scared me. Yes I have learned lessons but I can no longer be taught through the cold because I no longer put any belief into the nonsense. It is not real. Fake. Orchestrated from above to scare the shit out of me, push my buttons and get me to stand up and say, "I laugh at you now fear so just try me." I believe in his love which is real and strong, and I know we are perfect together. Totally perfect. Yes I am whole without him but... I am so much better off with him, and it is such a shame for us to part. It is a fucking shame to be apart. Love like ours is meant to be reveled in so I will do so even from afar. I love him oh so much, and yes- I am willing to wait. I love, I laugh, I live but I am also very committed to this man who is my soul partner. Yes I know his soul is with me. Shit, our souls have cleverly worked together from the very start in order to get this show on the road. He hears my soul and immediately responds, and I thank him on every level for never letting me go. For loving me enough to listen, to follow through, to not throw in the towel. To always reassure me he is not dating and still thinks of me... and even for having to scare me in order to get me to see, finally, that I am worth more than killing myself slowly. I know none of that could have felt good to my darling, and I am blessed to have so much love in my life.
I will never ever forget my Beloved. I will only ever cherish his love and carry it close to my heart. I pray for the day when we are entwined in each others eyes making at least a little eye contact between making out, eye contact with a small giggle because looking into my twin soul's eyes is akin to being shown answers to the mysteries of the universe. I gaze up at the night sky and see him. I hear a love song and hear him. I taste good food and taste him. I smell a rose and smell him. I touch a sweet baby and I touch him. I go to church and thank God and I thank my twin at the same time. He is everything that is good and Divine and dear and loving and sweet to me... and I will adore him forever.
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