"Inner Knowing"

"Inner Love" by Lentzy @ Deviantart.com

My blog has been quiet for a while.  A few weeks ago is when the hand of God reached down through my Twin Soul and shook me in a way that cleared me of much of my inner shit for good.  It was necessary yet harsh, loving yet terrifying, and I still don't completely understand how it happened but I have since come to realize that I only need to accept the miracle.  Not everything needs to be figured out; some things simply need to be trusted.  Some time and quiet has been necessary for me to come to terms with what is happening to me; it's gotten deep and I've had to go inner.  Please know that for a while my blog will be used to help me work through this union from a very personal and detailed perspective.  I need to go back through the months and rewrite my experiences with the knowledge I have that he left me in order to heal me, that he loved me enough to put me through Hell so I would finally Awaken. 

After that happened I poured my heart out to him about our connection although I didn't use the term "twin soul."  But to an Atheist I explained his strong soul, how he hears his Higher Self tell him to quiet to me and how he listens and abides, etc.  I did it because I was worried about him.  What was he thinking about the messages he sent me?  They were totally unlike him, and not pretty nor loving- he was mirroring what my guidance calls my "inner vile" while is one step away from an inner hatred that creates a strong urge for self-destruction based on fear and "lack of."  Lack of love.  Fear that I am forgotten despite months and months of evidence towards the opposite.  I wanted him to know he was mirroring me so I explained it all, to an Atheist, with the faith that The Divine would work it all out.  I love him so much that just in case he was hurting I felt the need to explain.  My little spiritual-in-his-own way, in-love-with-the-universe Science Trip of a Twin Soul is very soulful, and I know I need not worry about our beliefs because he's already told me more than once that "none of that matters to me when it comes to a relationship."  And see, he loves me.  No matter what happens as long as the intention is loving then all will work out in the end.  God's got this.

During all of this there has been silence.  The last I'd heard from him was enough to scare the dog shit out of me and then after that was silence.  My emails of explanation received no response which did not surprise me.  Throughout the silence my guidance has been adamant that the silence is a result of "gift ignored, gift ignores."  I am told he is my gem and a gift, and that gift is his love for me.  But I get scared of that love, particularly disbelieving and doubtful of it which means I don't accept it, and then he mirrors that non-acceptance of love back to me by being dismissive, cold and ambivalent or simply quiet.  The quiet has pushed me hard, pushed me to a place of acceptance.  It has taught me in no uncertain terms that the only aspect of this union I have any control over is ME, my thoughts, my beliefs, my intention, and where I place my super strong energy.  Do I want to concentrate my energy on that which I fear?  Or do I want to super-charge my love with my Divine Duracell-like energy?

My guidance tells me an "inner knowing" of my gift {his love} is necessary for the silence to lift.  This means no fear, definitely no anger, unconditional love, and accepting the gift of his love for me.  Despite appearances at times Joron has an unconditional soul-based love for me that has kept him energetically by my side through all of this, helping to heal me.  He has been THE key aspect to finally getting me healed of years worth of shit that was trapped inside of me.  He did this by loving me, being pulled away from me through a Divinely-orchestrated move for his career, and then soon after he moved he shut off to me, and our separation and the healing process began.  Dispersed throughout has been HUGE doses of love that I questioned, pulled apart, inspected, doubted and otherwise stomped into the ground instead of just accepting, cherishing and knowing, a feeling.  Feeling his love, that deep inner knowing, inner meaning inside my heart.  His silence has tussled me, upset me and caused me to question even though all along I was told the silence was helping to heal me... I just didn't enjoy the process.

What I have come to believe is Joron does not love the silence either.  It is forced, stilted, and can't feel good for him.  I've experienced from him these "bursts" of "I can't get enough of you.  I miss you.  I wish we could start over.  I wish you could come visit me.  I wish we could go back to when we couldn't wait to hear from each other" and I'd read those words and think, "Is he lying?" instead of seeing the truth: his Higher Self is working through him, using him as an instrument of Divine Healing, and on a soul-level he has agreed to this but on a heart-level it does not feel good.

Dare I say that inside my Beloved longs for me like I do him?  I feel this.  I know it.  My heart tells me that when I read his "strange" messages and they feel so cold it is because they are not him, not from his heart.  I can't feel his heart in those messages because his heart is turned off to me, and it all kinds of sucks even though I know it's pushed me to heal.  It also scared me, and it's taken a while to get past the fear.  But now I understand.  And I know he hurts.  He misses me.  He's written over and over, "I love you.  I miss you.  I want you to be my future.  If you were my wife we'd make love every night.  I wish I could kiss you every night.  I hate saying goodbye or goodnight.  I need you in my life.  I want to love you forever.  Make me comfortable talking to you again.  I wish we could start over.  I wish you could come visit me..." and the list goes on and on.  All while separated.  I was so doubtful when all along he was trying so hard to show me, to get me to believe his love and to learn my lessons that I am too loveable to be walked away from, and no I was not "jilted" but instead loved enough that he sacrificed his love for me by leaving me to help heal me, his love.  I know I am his Beloved.  I may get scared yet I feel it.  Our time together was real.  Our love is real.  His affection for my son was real, and his pain over being separated from me, and from the life we dreamed about together, is also real.  

Somehow I am loved enough that I was linked up with a very strong loving amazing soul in order for change and love to happen in my life.  This man is unique, not "normal" and hears his Higher Self very clearly, and immediately, and he chooses to ignore using his free will to choose otherwise when his HS tells him to communicate a certain way with me.  He is the perfect mirror for me; he has shown me myself more clearly than if I looked at my own reflection hanging on the wall.  Not everything I've seen has been pretty, much of it has been humbling to say the least.  My mirror will ignore nor overlook anything inside me that needs to be purged or healed.  Through him he has helped me to be cleansed, and for that I am very thankful, appreciative of him in a way I can't really find the proper words to explain, an ineffable appreciation for essentially saving my life.

My Joron has helped to save my life.  I will love him forever.

My Gift.  His love.  I am the love of his life, no doubt about it.  I knew I would be when we met, and I also fell super hard for him but fuck- there is no denying that he fell hard in love with me.  I watched his face light up whenever he saw me.  He touched me like I was precious porcelain.  He said all women are Goddesses, and I could tell he meant it.  I saw his soul when I looked into those beautiful blue eyes... they sparkle.  Endless.  He has a jovial air about him, a jaunty bounce to his step, similar to a child.  During the darkest part of this I would sit and wrack my brain thinking... but his was so joyful.  How could this be happening?  It never felt real, the separation.  The love was always there even through the long cold winter.

 "So now I say goodbye to the old me, so dead and gone,

And I can't wait wait wait 'till I get you home just to let you know

You are the love of my life." 

~Mirrors

No, I don't want to lose you now, and I know you don't want to lose me either.  I will not forget you, damn it.  Plenty of times I've been tempted to forget who you really are, the cutie in my backpack, but no.  I refuse to do so.  I am holding on.  To you, the real you, the Love who met me on my blue moon birthday and asked to hold my hand first thing because no other man {besides my little son} would ever hold my hand.  You love to hold my hand, and you told me you always will.  God you owned me with that first kiss, so effortless and wanting and full of desire... like you'd waited your entire life to kiss me.  Please dear, kiss me again.  Come back and kiss me again.  Feel my love and know I have nothing but adoration for you.  It has not been easy but thank you for not letting me go.

I am confident we will be together soon.  Understanding and accepting what has happened between us is half the battle, believing in your love has been the largest challenge of my life but love... you've loved me this entire time and I am sorry I doubted you.  I want you back, badly.  We are meant to be together, you and I.  We are much better together than we are apart, that's for sure.  And I know you've been right here all along, beside me urging me on and secretly holding my hand.  I imagine all those moments when I've cried you've wiped my tears, quietly shushing me and bidding me to have faith.  

And just when I thought that... only God could save us you've reached out to me again.  I'm trying to do what I am told, my love.  Hold you close.  Love you.  Accept my gift, ignore it not.  I'd never want to ignore your love.  Shower me with your love.  Kiss me, hug me, hold me, devour me, make love to me... you are my other half whether or not you are with me in the physical here and now.  I want no other besides you, and you know this.  My heart is calm.  I am ready and waiting for you.  I knew from that very first conversation, back again when I thought it was over, that this was not a normal love... so again thank you for sticking with me my darling.

I'll write my fingers down to the bone to keep that "inner knowing" of who you really are and how much you love me.  I adore you.  Kisses.