There is just so much going on with me yet at the same time nothing that seems extraordinary to those around me. Since it is mostly my internal life, what my guidance refers to as my "inner world," and not my external "real" life to most it would not seem like much. I wake, ready myself, greet my child with a warm loving sing-song wake up call while snuggling up with him for a few moments before we greet our day, then we get him ready and leave for work. I drop him at the sitter, head to my job. Work. Talk with peeps. Usually go to the park and walk at my lunch break, talk to God and my TS in my head. Sit on the pier overlooking the water at my favorite peaceful location and listen quietly to a few songs while clearing my mind. Back to work. Pick up son. Dinner, playtime, Little Man cuddle time then bed time. And I'm normally really tired after my "real life" 3D life stuff is done. But then there is my spiritual life to consider... and what a couple years it has been in my spiritual world.
I wrote Joron a sweet sexy email a while back and his response was... subdued. Nice but calm. He said I should be writing romance and that comment stuck out to me- it's been tussling me. My guidance keeps telling me "ignore gift, gift ignores." Ugh! Yoda-guidance! "Ignore Light not. Gel hefty Gem. Gift- ignore gift not." I get these infernal message often, and another one which is... "Fight not Higher Will." Sometimes I wish my guidance would just say, "Yo Rose- come closer, let me tell you something..." while just spilling out *exactly* what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Step-by-step. But I know it doesn't work like that. And see I have this issue because most people, when they speak of twin souls, talk a lot about "letting go." Letting go of the person and the "dream"- and I SWEAR my guidance is telling me otherwise. And this is why I am so doubtful and pushing away the messages at times. I sometimes don't listen.
Another reason it's difficult? Because so many skeptics keep telling me it can't be true, and I get scared. But I SEE it. I know his off-the-wall messages where he emails out of nowhere seeming so sad and full of longing expressing his confusion and how he wants to see me are the side-effects of him "intently and immediately listening to his Higher Will" as my guidance tells me. I am told that for me "real life" is over now. To scrap this idea of what reality is and dive in to this world I always felt existed but couldn't believe in; I've always believed in magic- I felt it as a child. Throughout my nightmarish youth I felt the magic around me, especially through books and music, and I know I was lead to those mediums to protect my open wondrous mind, to pull me through.
It feels like a fictional novel or movie doesn't it? Two people, soul mates on a very high level, meet and fall madly in love. One is secretly sinking fast, working hard to keep her head above water inside and out, and the other is a loving caring kind not-your-run-of-the-mill jaunty happy little sweetheart who is just jonesing to fall in love. The crash into each other in a first date that is so divinely orchestrated it's almost ridiculous- born in the same place at the same time only to reunite forty years later on my birthday under the blue moon, holding hand, swinging on the swings, and a spine-tingling almost obnoxiously perfect knock-my-socks-off first kiss {that I'll never forget.} True love quickly ensues. Man freely and copiously spews love and sweetness to the woman, totally pure and genuine. They speak of marriage and a family- her very dreams. And he leaves, pulled away by his soul yet they work to keep it together... but the end that is needed is unavoidable and BAM they end... only to have a magical mystical Spirit-planned "dance" happen that seeks to heal her through his "listening to his guidance" and sometimes it's loving and other times it hurts- and he, little do we know, is left hurting, confused and missing her yet he doesn't know why- all he knows is sometimes he's so in love he can't stand it, and other times he's... not. And he feels kinda crazy.
And she is supposed to LOVE him for his sacrifice so she tries so hard to listen too- not get angry with him, not challenge him, stay in unconditional love... just in case it's all real.
Love separated despite dying for each other inside. Sometimes I feel his desperate longing for me and it makes me sad. Compassion overwhelms me. Other times I'm mad at him for deserting me- and I wonder just how much that hurts him on the inside when he's only doing it for my own good? Like, "Please Rosie don't be mad at me... it already hurts so much having to do this to you- just remember I love you and want you to be my future."
Either I am losing my mind or else this is really happening to me and my guidance wants me to write of him just like this- as my love-sacrificing gem who is willing to risk it all in order to heal me, even if it means shitting all over my with my fears to do so. You know- I've risked sending Joron messages that I don't want to send, risked the love, in order to help him. Now I realize that is what he did for me but he just hears differently that I do- I have a more of a conscious "hearing." His somehow- he just sends it. I don't totally understand it but I have been reading about channeling online and I found this:
"It is common when channeling afterwards to forget the message or information as it is simply passing through you, not from you. Over a period of time channeling can become a natural ability, it is after all our natural state. In the future everyone will be able to channel, and it may not be called channeling anymore, perhaps simply “connecting” or something similar."
That is my Joron. He is strong and special and a "Bright Light." He hears his Higher Self, is vulnerable to the workings of his Higher Will, and his Higher Will told him to kick my ass a couple weeks ago. I do love him for it... and I know it is time to write of my love for him by explaining in novel-form, even if it is a blog, how his leaving me helped to cement the healing that I asked God for two years earlier. I know that it is energetic in nature that when I write this in full belief it will somehow shift the energy, create more Light. I miss my twin soul who has taken me by the hand and lead me through my hard hard healing by being my mirror. I do believe it so...
It's time for me to write our very unique, highly magical love story.
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