I had weird dreams last night. I rarely dream of him But I did and he kissed me. He took my face in his hands and kissed me and I touched his face and now I want to sob because I miss kissing him so very much. I miss James. I miss him so very much and really if you continue to read my blog that is pretty much all you will see. My saying I miss James and I ache because I wish he was here with us.
I've had some strange things happen in this journey but one thing I think I am really seeing is all along, no matter how scary or hopeless things have seemed to be, I'm meant to always only want, love, desire and focus on my twin soul. I think sometimes I have been afraid and then I've been tempted to run off even though I really have always only wanted James. I love him and I miss him.
I miss him so much that the ache is always with me. I am constantly reminded of how good he was to me and the sweet times we spent together and I feel like I dreamed of him all night and I keep hearing these songs and feeling his memory and I can barely take it any longer. I pray to everything holy that somethi g changes soon. I want to hear from my love. I want to be together with him. Only him. His is the love I need. I feel like I was made for him and him only and I'm freaking out because I yearn for him.
And I believe he feels the same way. He remembers our good times and knows we are wonderful together and he misses me and my kisses and he wants to be with us. All we were was happy together
So very happy. Perfect. We are perfect together, best couple ever and I know he agrees. I feel like he has wanted to come back but I've held him back and oh my God I do not want to do that any more. I want to allow him to be his sweet real loving self to me again. I need that truth back in my life and I know he loves me and wants me in his life
He misses us like we miss him, and we do. We miss hi. We wish he was with us. I wish we were talking together, being friendly and fun like before. It was so easy being with James. I was thinking earlier how excited I was to meet him. And it felt so right and safe and comfortable when we did meet. I loved being with him. I was excited to know him. I looked forward to seeing him and he always made me feel secure and protected and respected
And I miss him so much. I wish I could hug him again. I feel somewhat lost like this. Like he is meant to be here with me. I am lonely for James. And I do believe he is supposed to be with us, wants to be. I feel he honestly wants to be with us. He misses us too. I wish we were together.
I love him so very much. My life does not feel complete or content without him here. I'm antsy and somewhat irritated because it hurts to be like this. Yearning and aching and missing someone. I'm doing the best I can right now but seriously I'm a blubbering mess half the time. I vividly feel how fun and sweet it was to have him in my life and the stark contrast of not having him here grates at my heart and it hurts. All the time. I wish I could say it is different or I'm so balanced that I'm joyful no matter what but that would be a fucking lie.
I'm enduring. I'm trying. I'm living. I'm coping. But I'm far from content because I miss the love of my life like he has part of my heart and it is aching to return to me. I pray every day to hear from my love again.
That's about all I got. Thankfully I have to alcohol at home right now because I seriously wish I could find a way to ease this ache somehow. I miss him and love him so much.
Jennifer
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