Connections

So I know they are like five of you who read my blog, lol. Thank you. And a huge thank you to the few of you who reach out to me when I'm feeling low. I appreciate your kindness so much!! Yes I do sometimes delete my posts later when I feel they don't need to linger. I'm human.

I'm also still struggling with drinking. I hate it. It sucks. I wish it was not an issue for me. I don't drink to where I get drunk or can't function. I'm sure there are people I know who drink more than I do. But any alcohol is not good for me because it swiftly and hugely alters my mood, and because I'm sad it only exacerbates my sorrow. So there is that. It is useless for me to drink. I know this.

It is something I have to keep battling. I get off work and I know I have the evening to get through and I'm so emotionally overwhelmed pretty much every day and drinking dulls things for a moment. It is tempting to take the edge off this ache even if just for a moment. But then the moment passes is a heartbeat and I'm left feeling shitty and more sad. I know this going into it.

I'm confused right now. I don't doubt that James loves me. I don't doubt that I have some type of soul or strong energetic connection with him. I DEFINITELY do not doubt that he is used to show me things about myself; knowing him has forced me to realize that I truly do "create" with the things I think, speak, write, etc. This connection has increased my awareness in that area.

Does not mean I'm perfect by any means. I'm here still trying to stay away from alcohol. I'm so irritated and frustrated that drinking is an issue for me because it basically only is an issue because I hurt so fucking bad. If I did not hurt then I would not have the stupid desire or temptation to drink some of my ache away.

And what can hurt even more is James knows my struggles. Clearly he knows. And normally when you love someone you stick around and help your loved ones and friends through the rough times or through an issue or weakness. It hurts that he is not in my life, like really in my life, to be my friend and confidant. Yes I'm blessed with other friends and a good support system. But it is different. There is a difference between having a good friend in my life and having my boyfriend/lover/male BFF knowing my weaknesses and still climbing into bed with me every night looking forward to kissing and cuddling and loving each other. I want that closeness and intimacy in my life.

This feels like it is killing me. It is such a challenge for me. I don't know what to do. I struggle just to feel good and stay sober.

My heart is aching. James and I talked about having a baby together. He said that in me he finally found the woman he wanted to have a child with. He said that he wanted to make love with me to make a baby, combine our DNA, and raise our child "with all of our love." And I know he meant those words. They haunt me. They haunt me because I want another baby SO BAD. And I want that child with James. He would be the most excellent father, step-father and husband.

I long to have all the things with him that we discussed together. I ache for that happy future and I feel I would be with him had I not had fears, worries, doubts. So it is really hard. I hurt very strongly inside. I yearn for James. Having him back in my arms last year was like a miracle but of course it makes me miss him even more.

He said he really liked my son and would like to be his step-dad. He was so adorable and sweet and good we were together. Why do you think I feel like this? Had James not been perfectly amazing then I would not feel like this!!! I would be able to let go or move on. But he is like irreplaceable because he is what I asked for. When you actually find your "dream come true" it changes you forever. He said he did not know how to be a dad but he could learn. I remember him standing there with me telling me he could teach my son science and help him with sports. He was so sweet to me. And caring about my child.

He was SO entirely wonderful when I knew him in "real life" that I know (despite any fear I've battled) that the James I spent time with, made love with, shared my thoughts with, kissed and hugged and laughed with, is truth. I hope that makes sense. I refuse to let fear steal my memories or truth from me. I refuse!! I KNOW him. I remember.

It makes me weep. My heart aches for James so much.

It is nearly impossible to explain but I know in my heart he would be here if he could. In his own way he let me know that. He knows my weaknesses and my challenges and I KNOW he loves me still. He does not judge me. I know he loves me "anyway." I will always believe that a "twin soul" or whatever he is to me cannot always say what they feel due to the mirror thing.

I'm not a pro at this. All I know is when my "Hell" began my guidance stepped in and told me James is my "soul twin" and told me to "look it up" so I did. I found twin souls. And we have a huge amount of the tendencies. But more than that is the experiences I've had with him.

And the love. I have never loved anyone like this before, this deeply. I know my life is forever changed. It is overwhelming.

He said we would get married on the beach and have sushi. Even after we "separated" or whatever you wanna call it we would end up on the phone and he would be the same cute loving sweet James I know he is. And I could hear the smile in his voice when he would say, "Sushi at our wedding right?"

OMFG. But still I could not get a solid grip on this situation or my fears. FEAR sucks. I let my fears take from me the best man I could ever even dream of meeting.

I partially keep this blog to try and help "newbies" NOT DO WHAT I DID. I hope that is clear. I KNOW how it feels. The terror and feeling like you suddenly are living in a not-quite-believeable nightmare. I knew from that start, after it shifted, that something was not "real." I just knew it. James is too good and sweet and kind.

But I also know that it tears you apart. And I hate thinking there are people going through this alone. Sometimes they find my blog and sometimes maybe it helps them. It helps to not feel alone when you are so afraid.

And hurting. Heart ache really hurts.

I'm not sure what to do, you know? I CRAVE communication with him. I can't lie or hide it. I want to hear from him or see him again so much!! I cry and cry and beg God and write and pray. But sometimes writing in my journal gets old. Writing private letters (even if I do know the energy is somehow communicated) is sometimes not enough. I want to talk to James. For real. I want to hear his voice and see his face or at the very least get some kind of REAL LIFE message from him where he sounds like James. Funny. Cute. CARING. Empathetic. Kind. James told me way more than once that he feels it is important to live life being empathetic and kind. I once asked him why is he so nice and kind? How did he turn out that way? It stuck out. He is different than many men I have met- hugely different. He sent me a video of "The Pale Blue Dot" by Carl Sagan and told me Carl Sagan was an influence on him in his youth. And Carl Sagan, if you know of him, has a super soft kind caring energy. Brilliant but kind. And that is how James is too.

I know the man I met and dated and fell in love with. I don't exactly know what a twin soul or twin flame is. I only know James shows me my good thoughts and my bad thoughts. Or should I say love and fear. He shows me my love and my fear. And he also is the walking embodiment of everything I ever wanted in a man. I'm not even kidding or being "romantic." It's fact. I had a LIST okay? I wrote it out. I knew what I wanted and deserved. I was specific. And he is all of what I asked for, perfectly. A gift.

I miss him.

I miss him.

Missing him aches so much.

I dreamed of a baby tonight. I think it was my son, my seven year-old but he was a baby in my dream. I think it was him but at any rate in my dream I had a baby. Was wonderful. I want another baby. I wish I was married to James and had a child with him.

You have no idea how I feel. I wish I knew what to do to change all this. I feel stuck. I ache. I wonder how James is doing. I wonder what his life is like. I wonder what he is doing at his job. I wonder how his golf game is, and his little dog he obviously loved so much. To ADORE a person SO much and be like this, wondering and praying, aching and longing, is beyond what I can control in my heart.

Hence why I write here. If I don't then I might totally lose my shit. Like all of it. I have come close to ending my life because I can BARELY TOLERATE the depth of what I feel. When it does not change and I don't know when I might hear his sweet voice or see his beautiful face and I ache and ache- the only thing I can do is feel it. Sit with the emotions and somehow deal with them. There is nothing else I can do. I can't shut it off.

I obviously can't drink it away.

So what can I do? Ask the MIB to come blinky it away with their memory-stealer thingy?? Call up Will Smith and ask him for a little help?

I can't forget. And I don't feel like I'm meant to move on. So here I am. And it hurts. I ache. I miss James so much. I love him. He is dear to me. He was so so good to me and we talked about having a wonderful life together. Being with him was a dream come true. I never expected all of this "twin soul" stuff. I only knew I'd met the most wonderful sweetheart of a man, this sexy smart funny scientist, and I fell completely in love with him and he spoke my every dream to me.

That is all I knew. At first.

I wish it could go back to then. I want all that back. Loving friends who talked for hours nearly every night. Or kissed until our lips were sore. Laughing. Smiling. Nuzzling noses and kissing more. I wish with all my heart to have that fun love and truth back with James.

I don't know. I'm doing the best I can. I really really would like to hurt no more and only be happy. I would like to know my loving friend again.

My heart goes out to anyone who is hurting. And to those going through a similar experience. I wish the human experience could be more love and happiness.

I'll know when I hear from the man I met who was so good to me. When I hear from James and he is kind and good and caring I'll then feel relief. I need truth. I need truth in order to have any fucking peace inside me.

xoxo Jen