I miss James so much. I really don't have much to say. Work has been incredibly busy with my new position as director and I'm trying to do the best I can. So that's all good. But I'm lonely. I miss James. I wake in the night missing him. My heart hurts.
I feel like I get signs but... I really want to hear from him. I want to talk to him. He and I met each other this time of year so end of July on is torture for me because the weather reminds me of walking with him and being with him.
Time does nothing to lessen my emotions and ache. I love him and want him as much now as I did then. I remember his kisses. I remember how it felt to see his smiling face when he walked in my door. I remember how awesome our conversations were and his soft sweet voice the first time we talked on the phone. And remembering hurts. A lot. It guts me. I don't know what to do but breathe. I can't force joy. I can only live as well as possible.
I wish I could be happy again though. The last time I was truly happy was when I knew him. I hate that all of this happened. I'm not thankful for the silence or not knowing him. I hate it. I tolerate it because it is the only thing I can do but I'm not thankful and I don't appreciate it. I still feel.there are other ways to achieve growth than this. I don't understand why the ONE thing I want most, to be happy in love, has to be the one area of my life where all I do is cry and pray and cry and hope and cry and cry. I'm so irritated with all this. I hate feeling like I do, always missing James. Always pining over him. Praying to see him again. Begging God. Waking at 3AM unable to sleep and thinking of him. I feel unfulfilled and lonely. I ache to be in his arms, cuddled up with him.
And what else irritates me is I know he loves me. I don't care what the circumstances are right now or how much time has passed. He fell in love with me and adored me and that shit doesn't just disappear for no reason. He told me he wished I was with him cuddled in his arms. I know he wants me in his life. So I'm frustrated and irritated and annoyed with this situation. I want to have a conversation with James. An honest truthful exchange.
I can't really express myself well. It is a deep longing for someone I do not have in my life but I feel I should because we never ended. Unfinished business. I miss him so much. It affects my outlook on life. So many people happy in love and I'm here aching to share my love with James. I only want to be good to him. That's all. It bothers me because he told me the women he loved in his past didn't treat him well or they hurt him, did not nice shit to him. And then there is me. All I wanted was to spend me life with him loving him and being good to him. So to be in this place is upsetting. All I wanted was to be his sweet girlfriend and be able to kiss him forever.
I wish he was mine. In my heart he is my one and only but I wish he was here in my life, my lover and friend. I've never wanted anything more, and wanting him this much causes me a lot of aching. To love someone so much but not have that person in your arms or your life is crazy painful.
It's a sad love.
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