We all have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result, right? Well I feel like I am stuck in that cycle right now of falling into the same patterns of behavior/thinking/speaking/writing etc. and it is keeping me in this spiraling loop which is creating the same shit for me over and over again. I want to stop the fucking insanity.
If most of what I believe is actually true then I am the one keeping myself here in this spot. Outside of this blog I have a life I live, you know? And in it I DO a lot of the shit I write about on here that should be avoided! I do! It's like I honestly feel I know what I should do but then I slip up {again and again} and then I don't like my circumstances later. So I have to change this. Something must change, and I am the one who is going to have to do my best to make it happen.
I think #1 most important is for me to keep my focus on love and truth while keeping my hope alive. And this means if I want to miss him deep down all the way to my soul then I will because the ache I have for him to be back in my life is born of the strong love I have for him. Only him. If I wanted/needed to have someone shower me with affirmations about my worth or my beauty or my desirability I could go out and find someone to do so. I don't need that or want that. I only want James' love because I love JAMES. And yeah I miss him. I am going to be faithful to my heart and my heart loves him. Yes I do feel strong emotions and this is important for me to make clear. I MUST honor the love I feel for him even if it means allowing in the missing and the ache because it is still love-derived. It is when I try to be "strong" and not miss him that I fall into anger, when I don't listen to my heart. That is when I start hating God and getting angry and falling into ego. So instead I will love the shit out of him, write about him, think of him, miss him and cry if need be. I cry because my heart longs for him yet it's still a sweetness. I'm lucky I have someone so special to love so much that I miss him with all my heart.
See here is the thing I am trying to wrap my brain around: I still think about and discuss the "wrong" stuff. The way I look at it is I'd much RATHER focus on love and truth even if it makes me miss him and want him more and more {which can sometimes be painful} instead of focusing on most of what has happened over these last 29 months. I honestly think missing James is fine and okay. Loving him so much that I miss him is such a better emotions than fearing, doubting, worrying or being angry. My guidance once told me that it is okay to miss him, that my heart was aching and that was to be expected. Never once in all of the guidance I received from above was I told I could not miss James. I was never told to not want him or to "let go" or anything like that. I was told to strongly remember him in his love and truth, focus on our good memories, and that is what I am going to do.
I guess I won't be wearing mascara for a while.
This is my truth. Yeah maybe I do live off in my own little world but the people like me here. They think I'm cool and funny and have all the right dance moves.
So a little heads up to anyone who might still be reading my blog, it will mostly consist of constant loving thoughts, reflections, memories, and adoration etc. of my twin. There is nothing left to say besides focusing on love, empowering my truth like my guides always told me to. You know? I've said it all already. I really have.
Yeah peeps I ache. I love him so much. And I do believe he loves me. I look back at all the times he's shown me he wants to come back. I think to myself I surely would have wanted to come back and be with me again too! It makes my heart ache so very much to remember how badly he wanted to get back here, the longing in him, how he would sigh and tell me he missed me. I wish he could have come back. I am sorry for both of us that he was not able to. I know he wanted to. I pray he still can. You all don't know the courage it takes me to allow myself to believe he WANTS me and misses me very much too. It's been a huge block for me to understand this man has always been sad to be away from me. That is my truth, and I will fight against all fear or doubt to hold on to that truth because I KNOW James. I remember the intense love he showed me, and it's still out there. All of that, the love, truth and hope and faith, has to be my focus now. Why? Because we reap what we sow and man I'd love to reap hearing my sweet angel's voice again.
I am sure you realize I write here for me, for anyone who this might resonate with, and also for James. I believe that anything I write here he also knows. And I want him to know how much I always will love him, always, because I believe in and appreciate the sweetness and love he showed me and I know that love is truth.
How Long Will I Love You?
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