Truth?

So I am sitting here asking myself, "What is truth, really?"

To me truth feels like James is actually affected by all of this just as much as I am, and he experiences it from a very different perspective than I do.  Some people might think I am delusional but let me explain.  Those of you who read my blog know I feel that he's out there still loving me but forced to be my mirror, and he shows me, very quickly and intensely, the "wrong thoughts" I have.  If I am believing something I should not be believing, then he shows me.  And I know he does not really want to do this because James is a very loving man with a gentle disposition.  I know he wants to only be loving and kind to me so it must be torturous for him to by my mirror these last months, years really.  I mean he knows everything about me so he knows when I am sad and crying.  He knows when I've been terrified of him.  He knows... and I am sure it must be torturous for him.  James only ever wanted to show me love and make me happy.  I can't even imagine what this must be like for him now.  It would suck and I know really all he wants to do is hold me and kiss me and love me again because that IS him.  Loving, caring, kind.

To fall in love with a woman who you find and think, "She's perfect, everything I've asked for!" and then be forced to leave her can't feel good.  And I believe this is what happened to him.  He did not want to leave me.  And I know it hurt him to leave.  He told me he cried.  He told me he felt like he was going to have a heart attack and when I asked him why he said he needed to be reassured.  Reassured that he was not going to "lose me."  He showed me over and over that he wanted me with him, that he wanted to be with me.  He met my son and fell in love with both of us.  He looked at PJ so kindly and saw that I am a kind loving mother, progressive in my thinking, wanting the best for everyone including my son.  He met me and felt that he finally met the woman he wanted to have a child with.  And he likes PJ.  He told me he could see himself being PJ's step-daddy.  James met us and immediately loved us.

It's okay for me to believe that.  It is safe for me to look back and know my memories are not lying to me.  James took to my son very quickly.  He appreciated greatly that I am a good solid loving mother.  I had PJ on a schedule and routine that James saw.  I knew spending close quality time with my son at bedtime makes for a very secure child, and I always want my son to feel safe and secure even though we'd become a single-parent family.  James saw this about me too.  He saw how committed I am to my child.  He noticed right away that I am a loving woman, dedicated, responsible, mature and independent.  My ONLY issue, really, was my inability to realize my own worth and loveability.  I have to keep reminding myself that THIS WAS REALLY MY ONLY ISSUE.

I am not "bad."  I did not do anything WRONG.  I did nothing wrong.  All I did was love that man, fully and completely.  And I still do!  But I can't sit here feeling like I did something wrong because it was not "wrong."  I was scared, and those fears were uncontrollable.  Reality was he thought I was fucking fabulous and he fell hard in love with me.  Because I am fucking fabulous and very easy to fall in love with.

I am easy to love.  I am soft and cuddly and terribly affectionate.  I am humble and friendly and I always want everyone to be happy and to get alone.  I like peace and harmony- I am a total "harmonizer."  I love hard.  I have a warm caring personality, and when I love someone I like to make him feel good, take care of him, be nurturing and affectionate.  I just never ever had someone do that for me, not like James did, and I did not know how to deal.  I didn't know how to believe in it, trust it, or be not worry about when it would leave me.  I hid that pretty well though, but soul knows.  God knew what I needed to "heal."

I think James is still out there realizing I am all of those good things, the same stuff I think about him.  I am very similar to him in many ways.  We did seem like the same energy inside two different bodies.  I could not believe I met a man AS loving, caring and affectionate as I am!  It blew my mind!  And yeah, I was a little skeptical.  I had a hard time trusting something so wonderful!  Yet I only loved him.  And he knew it.  He knew I adored him, and he knows I love him now.  And my heart tells me that he's out there aching to be with me again because he KNOWS.  He feels the same as he did before.  He still loves me, and he realizes how hard I've fought to stay in this.  He realizes I'm overlooking a ton of shit in order to hold on to the wonderfulness of the man who blessed my life with his sweet angelic presence.

And I am certain he appreciates that and it makes him love me even more and he wishes I could fully believe or shift or focus or whatever it will take to bring us back together.  I just really feel he is out there aching to be back with me.  My guidance used to tell me that "Your gem is suffering.  He misses his princess."  That hurts my heart because the times when we DID connect that is exactly what he showed me.  He showed me that he misses me greatly and he wished he could just be with me.  I could hear the longing in his voice but I was too scared still.

I got a fortune cookie the other day that I got once before.  It says, "Time is precious but truth is more precious than time."  Yes time has passed.  But time means nothing.  People love each despite time or distance.  Emotions, heart, feelings... love- withstands any of that.  I take that message to mean that knowing truth is more important than how much time has passed, and I believe that.  James realizes I am a gem too, and my heart tells me that he is not content either and he really would love it if he could just come back and be with his Love again.  He misses me too.  I just know it, and I am not going to back down from that feeling.

I am worth it.  This does not all have to do with him being so perfect.  I am a wonderful person too.  I am genuine, just like he once told me, and he is right- people like me are rare today.  I love hard, and I love beyond all the stupid crap out there.  I forgive and love.  I just love people.  I am a walking ball of love just like I was told from above.  I help people.  I am a good mommy.  I hate to hurt anyone.  I like for people to feel good or feel better, and I fight for love.  I wish for peace in the world and I wish I could solve the world's suffering.  I just want us to all get along.  I have a beautiful pure heart, and I am honest.  I have my weaknesses, of course.  We all do.  Staying sober is a challenge but it does not make me a bad person.  It makes me human.  Because I am still human no matter how much I want to be "pure soul" in a human body.  But I love hard and deep.  And James saw that in me.  He told me that I am genuine and it is rare in this world and it is what he loves most about me, and I am still that same genuine rare woman now that I was 24 months ago.  I've fought so hard for us, and I know he realizes this.  If I was him I'd miss the fuck out of me too.

I believe he is still my partner in all of this and he does not want me to be hard on myself.  I've asked God to "help me through this" and I get what I ask for because the only way out is through so James keeps showing me what I need to see in order to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.  I pray I can shift this process around so it feels a little easier on both of us because I know it must feel like Hell to this guy to stay away from the woman he loves as well as... basically tell me the opposite of what he'd like to.  That would be like me being forced to scare the crap out of my kid, knowing he was totally scared, and being able to do nothing to comfort him and actually keep doing it all the while knowing he was scared and hurting.  That would be really difficult to do and the only way I could ever do something like that is if I knew, in the end, it was for his own good, would keep him alive, or something of that nature- absolutely necessary for his survival, and I'd still feel totally horrible for it.  Shit I can't even stand holding him down while he gets his shots.  I cry with him!  This is how I parallel this to how James must feel with me, not at all feeling good over having to be my mirror when I've been in such disbelief, doubt, etc.  I think of analogy of me and my child and when I even imagine my son then being scared of me or doubting me it's a horrible though, and it explains how I think James must feel right now.  Doing a job for me that hurts, that has seemed scary to me, and then I've been frightened of him, doubting him, and all along he's really only loved me, wanted the best for me, and wants to be loving and gentle to me.  I have not walked in his shoes or felt his side of our connection.  I have only felt my side.  It is not easy for me to put myself into his shoes or imagine what this experience must be like for him.  But if what I sense is really truth then he's feeling the same intense emotions for me that I do for him, just on a little bit different level. Gosh he's been the one "contracted" with me to show me these things about my beliefs that I have to see, so I can let them go, right?  And in the end I've cringed from him.  I want him.  I love him and still at times I've totally cringed away and been utterly terrified of him.  That is the God's honest truth.  I love the guy with all of my heart but at the same time I've consistently pulled away from him out of fear when probably I should have compassion for him for enduring this with me.  I feel like no matter where he is or what he's doing right now truth is he'd rather be with me, sharing life with me, loving with me instead of all this.

Poor guy :(...   I really do love him very much.

I feel like all he really would love to do is hug me and wipe away my tears, hug me and comfort me.  He wants me to be strong and feel proud of myself and realize how much I really have tried, know I am doing my best.  He wants me to be gentle to myself too.  And he wishes he could be gentle to me.  I need to understand this; I really do.  I need to understand that my twin soul is out there somewhere begging me to believe in his love for me, to know he aches too and misses me to no end and wishes we could be together because life is better for him with me in it.  Just like I feel about him.  It is not just me out here desiring to see him again; he wishes to hold me and kiss me again too.  I know my sweetheart longs to show me his honest truth again, his sweet, kind, loving, caring and gentle self.  I think it is hurting him to have to be away from me, and I don't revel in that believe me.  I'd like to allow us back to each other because I think it affects him too, just like it does me.  He misses his princess and does want me cuddled in his arms at night.

I am tired of sitting over here feeling like I am the only one.  I am not.  He has sacrificed too because having to walk away from someone as sweet and wonderful and kind and loving as ME would not be easy and would feel like total shit.  I'd miss the fuck out of me after loving me as much as he did.  And we shared some strong love people.  You take two people who are fucking crazy about each other, who can't stop kissing and touching, who have to be together sharing love, newly making love, kissy close intimate loving love, pillow talk for hours making love, always holding hands, always laughing and giggling and smiling and talking... and then BOOM- separate them and see what happens.  Feels like Hell.

And I KNOW it does not feel good to him either.  Don't get the wrong idea.  I do not want my Love to feel badly but I know he misses me.  I KNOW he misses me too.  I believe that James would do anything he has to in order to be with me because being with me is what he wants most in life, just like I want most to be with him.  If he could he would, and he wishes he could.

That is my truth and what I shall be focusing on.  I am doing okay.  I've tried and done the best I could.  I've stayed committed, worked and believed and held on as much as I could and I AM a warrior.  Anyone else would have turned tail and ran away but I have not.  I love him too much and I know that SWEET man I dated.  I know he is truth, and I just know he aches and longs and yearns to show me his love again.  I just feel in my heart that something about this connection means it falls on me to allow him to be his honest loving self again, and I am working on that.  I am.  I feel like he is counting on me and I love him too much to not keeping moving forward with him.

I know this is a pretty bold thing to say and most people would think I've got my head in the clouds but what if it's like this for all legitimate twin soul/twin flame couples?  I mean look at it- almost always one of them goes quiet, pulls away, etc.  And often it is the male who does this although in some cases it is the woman.  Looking at the situation from a "higher perspective" when if the one who leaves is suddenly plunged into becoming the mirror for the other?  I know everyone says it is a two-way street but I am not convinced.  I often wonder if they show us their "wounds" and really all it is still a projection of our worries and doubts.  And as long as we continue to believe what we think, and even what they show us, then they are imprisoned forever in behaving that way towards us because they are our twin souls- it is their job now, their mission, and they can't break free unless we help them.  A long time ago I read the twin soul book that Jenna Forrest channeled.  In it her guidance explains that at the end, once we reunite, we need to be gentle on them because after they come back they may seem odd or disoriented or just a little strange.  It was explained that we don't have any idea of the challenges they have been through, the pain, and I sometimes wonder if that pain they feel is because TRUTH is that all along they've loved us, longed for us, only wanted to come closer and with every disbelief we have, every doubt, every claim of "But he's broken!" we push them farther and farther away from us, or we actually move farther from them.

I know it is not a popular opinion but sometimes I wonder this.  It makes me feel a lot of compassion for both sides.  I will never ever believe in the weak un-evolved anawakened broken "runner."  Never. I feel that "runner" thing is just a guise spirit uses to force us into surrendering to seeing this experience from a divine perspective instead of a 3D viewpoint.  And in my case I feel that my twin is VERY very strong, a super strong soul.  I'd bet my life on it.  He's a powerful energy that is for sure.  I am too, in my own way.  I know he's helping me through. 

I miss my Love with everything I have inside of me.  I know he misses me too.

Jennifer