"Arms"

So these are the memories that are flooding me.  His arms.  His strong wonderfully warm arms.

As he was first telling me he was leaving we had a heated conversation.  All of my fears were flooding forth.  I was totally doubting his feelings for me, and everything felt wrong.  I said to him, "I need to know I have not been a time-filler for you!" And he replied in earnest, "A time filler?  A TIME FILLER?  Do you even see the way I look at you?"

And therein lies the problem.  I did see the way he looked at me but it did not register.  I saw that he gazed upon my beauty like I am a Goddess in his eyes.  He held me and smiled and told me over and over how beautiful I am, how sweet, how kind, what a good mom I am, how loving, what a good girlfriend I am, how lucky he was to have found me, and how happy he was that I was HIS sweet girlfriend.  And he called me his future.  "I really love you, my future."

He touched me so gently, like handling fine china, like I am precious to him.  I am like totally serious.  I don't even like READING romance fiction so I don't write the shit well.  I can't even make this stuff up- he was this loving, absolutely.

And I... I... it's like I just ignored it.  Like he was saying it all over and over again, and more importantly he was SHOWING me the same loving things he was saying, HUGE divine angelic perfect love, and I loved him and his love but something inside of me doubted it could be real.

I so wish I could go back and every fucking day after he went home I wish I would have whipped out my journal and written, "Oh HOLY JESUS and all the saints and angels above THANK YOU GOD for this man who LOVES ME SO VERY MUCH.  Finally the man I have wished for and dreamed about has come to me, thank you so much for my gift and my blessing.  I am so lucky that he loves me so so much.  We are going to be together forever and have tons of sex and babies!!!  Gahhhh!  My angel."

I did not do that though.  I worried and fretted and doubted and feared when he might leave me.

Fucking manifestation!!!

Once it shifted and he began mirroring all my fears that were surfacing the quiet began and I freaked out.  But we ended up on the phone after about a month of chaos and silence.  It was... totally of the divine.  Not of this earth, not at all.  But we talked and he started the conversation through saying just exactly how totally completely absolutely insanely Geeeeeeoooorgeous he thinks I am.  Like a Goddess... his voice was hilarious.  He was all like, "You are sooooooooo, like SOoooo, beautiful!"  Like a kid explaining just how absolutely amazing the best roller coaster in the world is.  Like I was up there with some Hollywood starlet and I remember looking at my phone thinking, "Is this guy like drunk or high?  What's he on?" because he was so damn emphatic that I am like the most gorgeous women he's ever laid eyes on in his entire life.  And he ended the conversation by telling me he loves me and asking me so quietly and softly and longingly if I wanted to see him again because he needed to see me.  And he very specifically told me that when he saw me I'd need to give him full and complete access to making love to me in every way.  His love and ache for me was entirely evident, how much he was missing me.

*sigh*  My love, my little mirror love.  I want to cup his face in my hands and just kiss him, so softly.

I've never felt that way about myself, the way he sees me.  My mirror so I suppose it must be true.  Interesting.  I think I am pretty.  I feel I have my good days.  I think that is pretty normal for many of us.  I don't hate on myself but I am not in the habit of glorifying my never-ending beauty, *snicker*

He did though!!!  And I do believe he thinks that way about me, even now.  God damn I want him and all of that love and desire and attraction and LOVE back in my life.  I know when he looks at me he sees perfection.  I KNOW that.  Yeah I can try and see myself as much the same as possible but I might never get there.

Okay?!  I might never get there!  I watched a video today by a couple I really like and he said it best.  He said they were not perfectly loving themselves when they came together.  We do the best we can but we do not have to be perfect.

But... I think for me it is as important for me to realize that James looks at me and sees his angel.  He looks at me and sees utter perfection, notices only all the glowing love and goodness inside of me, and it makes him think I am absolutely beautiful, like my adorable soul is shining on my face.

I can look back now and remember how he looked at me like he was looking at an angel.  I wish I would have recognized it then, his totally cherishing me.  But I know it's truth, and I know it still is.  So no, maybe I will never get to a place where I look in my bathroom mirror and want to gaze at the beauty of myself for hours.  Come on.  I usually think, "Okay.  It's a good day.  I am thankful for my long healthy hair and clear bright skin."  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I am youthful.  I am "cute."  I've had people tell me I am "cute" but will never be beautiful, lol.  And that's okay.  But I know when James looks at me he sees this glowing angel of a woman.  I just did not really notice it before, hidden underneath the worry and the fear.

I miss my sweet love who thinks I am so perfect inside and out.  The feeling is mutual, as you know from reading my blog.  I adore him and find every single thing about him amazingly beautiful and adorable inside and out. 

Oh, those arms.  I pray to feel them wrapped around me soon.