My heart... my heart. I read something today that said when we feel heartache it actually has an effect on the body like physical pain. The item was about when we miss someone, like when they are gone from us. The body's emotional reaction is a physical pain, and some people can even die from the intensity of the pain. And I get that. I understand. There are times when my heart hurts so badly that I have to hug myself. I can literally feel my heart palpitating in my chest, like it is skipping a beat or beating too fast.
Not that I want to focus on "pain." I'm just saying- heartache is real. It's not fake. I miss James. I am very much in love with him, and my heart misses him. All of me misses him but my poor sweet little heart is sad without him. I also saw this today and saved it...
I realized something here recently though, and if anyone out there is still reading my blog {and I know one of you does because you lovingly email me to help me stay on track and I thank you for your kindness} you might have noticed that I've been pretty angry lately. It's a cycle I've gone through for a while now. I will love and then get scared and then I fuck things all up and then I get mad when I face the repercussions of my fear, and that is normally the silence. I used to get angry with James and then I'd face my mirror. This happened over and over again and I dug my hole deeper and deeper until now I am here. And I am not going to "stress" where I am right now but let's just say I am believing beyond seeing. Or hearing. I am believing in his love for me even though I have not heard from him. I feel like I understand the quiet, and I know only I can fix it. And what if I am wrong? Well it never hurts to try, right? If I don't try then I will never know.
See, something happened a while back. Starting back last July I got really scared and starting doubting James a lot. I believing illusion instead of believing in the man I know, the one I dated. So I got upset, did something in reaction to my fear, and was mirrored. Then I got angry and started hating on spirit and higher self for what I am going through and I ranted and raved in my journal and sometime in September I felt and wrote something angry about my twin in my journal and this was on the heels of vacillating back and forth all week between love for James and pure hatred for the divine and upset over my situation. But sometimes some doubt about James comes through too. Like I wrote in my journal, basically to him, that I am tired of being abused, that I was abused enough as a child and I don't need anymore abuse, not from him either whether it is real or not, and that is a big no-no. It is not good energy to insinuate that my twin is "abusing" me because if I put that out there to the universe then I am asking for my twin to basically "show" it to me. To act out what I am saying. I went to sleep, woke up and found I'd been contacted in the night and it was all my reflection and it was a stark emotional slap in my face in an attempt to shake the anger/bitterness/resentment/blame out of me.
It really shook me up. But it was on the heels of me ALREADY having these huge ego flare-ups over and over again. You'd think I would have learned, right? It's like I keep kicking my own ass. All I could do with this one was reply to my twin, my mirror, and thank him for showing me myself, and tell him I am sorry for making him do this to me. I also asked God through prayer to please not show me anymore of myself through my twin at that moment meaning I did not want a reply back from James. Normally our exchanges will go back and forth for a while but I begged God to PLEASE not show me anymore. I did not think I could handle seeing myself any further. I'd seen enough.
And I set out to gut myself of fear, ego and anger. I did well for a couple weeks. Man I prayed to Jesus himself to help me stay tempered and sweet and loving and kind in my thoughts and emotions. And something interesting happened. On a very poignant night a few weeks later I was writing in my journal asking James for help, some sign, something. I ended up, and I am not going to be able to explain this in detail, being contacted in a roundabout way by a "mystery man" who... "felt" very very similar to my twin. It was an odd "chat" and I still don't know exactly who I was speaking with but if I had to bet on it I'd say my twin got through to me in the only way he could, under cover since he is my mirror and can't really "break his role," to offer me a ray of hope. It was a strange exchange because it was like... in code. Mysterious but this person said a few things that were warm and loving like telling me he felt the urge to call me something sweet, and he called himself a goofball which is SO James. And I really feel like it was him doing the best he could to step beyond the mirror and show me, "I do still love you and think of you exactly how you think of me." It is one of the only things I have to hold on to, and this was at the end of September.
Well I held on to it for a while and then I plummeted again. I was focusing on the wrong things. Not really "anger" but focusing on what I do not want instead of what I DO want. And this was shown to me. And I got angry again around Christmas. Especially Christmas Eve. I was PISSED OFF on Christmas Eve and in my journal I wrote, "Great, I'm so happy that I am here suffering while he's out there just fine without me." Again, terrible terrible energy to say that I am suffering and James is "fine" without me. Just really really bad energy. Since that point I've not really focused my anger at him but I've been in constant anger at higher self and totally ambivalent about God. I have refused to pray. I have just been really angry. Like hateful at times, screaming and crying and swearing at the universe. Not at all pretty let me tell you. And with all of that anger I have received very little signs or synchs where I used to get them a lot, and it felt like James was speaking to me from the great beyond. Now I am wondering if my anger has blocked that from happening.
About a week ago I had a few days of totally just crying and crying. And I think I needed it. I feel like I cleared some shit out of me, and maybe, just maybe, I can work on SELF-MASTERY of my emotions.
I want to feel ONLY love. First of all I really only want to feel love, not anger. Feeling angry sucks. It literally sucks the life from me. I only want to feel love. I can't sit here and say I am going to feel "joyful" all the time because I do miss James on the daily and it does render my heart to pieces quite often. But I can feel LOVE while missing him or feeling sadness. Sadness and LOVE can be felt at the same time. Anger and love cannot, not in my world Anger blocks out all goodness in my heart and makes me a secret She-Beast inside, and it makes me want to drink alcohol even more too.
So. Where does this leave me? I want to be totally gutted of this anger and resentment no matter who or what it is towards. I want to feel love and be love. I know there will be sadness and tears because when there is no "wall of anger" there to block everything else then I feel the huge love, missing and sadness even more. The pain stunts all of that and makes it easier to NOT feel sad but in its place is stubbornness and bitterness, and I don't need that. James does not need to feel that from me either and I know he does. My goal is to be very aware of my mood swings and when I feel myself falling into that pissy place I will cut myself off and not allow it. I KNOW what the love feeling feels like. It is soft and buttery and warm, and it is the only energy that allows my twin back towards me.
There has been a pattern all along. When I feel... surrendered and open-hearted and very very loving that is when he has come back. When I allow myself to feel the goofy love and remember our googly-eyed moments together, star-stuck and giggly, then everything opens back up.
When I am tempered and gentle inside. And I remember reading something a long time ago that says we need to be oh so gentle, very very gentle, at this time. And I have not been feeling gentle at all. I've been harsh in my energy. Not surrendered to love. For me this means I WILL have to cry. I will hear the songs and bawl my eyes out but that is better than hearing the songs while setting my jaw and trucking along, not allowing myself to "feel" or even worse, hearing the songs and slapping at the radio with a big "fuck you signs" and shutting it off.
Often when a twin feels how I've been she will be tempted to run, even off to someone else, and I think I know a few people who are doing this right now in their unions. They have shut down, shut off, steeled themselves and want to move on. I will not allow myself to do that. I love James far too much to turn away completely but I do need to temper myself completely. I need so soften and be loving and kind. I need to "date" him through my energy, write him love songs, talk to him gently, post my cute little photos while thinking of him, and basically go ahead and let myself be a pathetic ooey gooey ball of surrendered love for my twin soul. Heart gutted, exposed and raw, dripping raw with love, not at all sheltered or jaded or angry for any reason.
Just love. I have to work on this. I have to be tempered and loving and soft and gentle on the inside. I can fake it on the outside, and I do. Often. But I need to feel it on the inside, always. First of all it's the only way I will fully awaken and ascend past 3D and into 4D and 5D, and I do believe in the other dimensions "shifting" into my reality right now; it happens already. But it needs to happen more and more and the only way it can is by me gutting all the rest and being only LOVE. So first it is for me. But second is I will only reunite when I can feel that LOVE. That gigantic ginormous HUGE loving lovely lovey dovey love.
You, dear blog readers, you've known this about me as you've read my blog. I used to post on the forum and I got razzed all the time about my HUGE love for my twin until spirit finally kicked me off because I am too "sensitive" to be there and my energy needs to be protected. I've always been "pro-love" through my whole journey and I refuse to stop now. I deserve this and my twin deserves this.
I am here to apologize to God, my Higher Self, my soul and my dear dear twin soul for my recent painfully strong anger, blame and inner darkness. I never want to go back to that place again. It is too deep, too dark, too nasty and scary. It is the place where suicidal thoughts arise. Anger and pain and despair so deep that a person feels only death can bring escape, and I don't want those thoughts or feelings ever again. I PRAY to all things good and holy to please help me be strong enough to master my emotions and intentions so I can arise beyond all this to feel only love. Even if this means being free to miss my twin and cry when I need to, and that might be often. I stay WAY more loving when I allow myself to cry and FEEL him. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you should not cry or miss your twin because I am proof that when you try to block those "soft" emotions then what happens is you start to feel all steely, a false sense of "strong" and you get angry. It is better to just open yourself and allow the tears if need be. Love. Just love.
If you need to address your past do so with love and kindness. Not blame or anger. Realize that those who have hurt us were also hurt too. Feel empathy, kindness, forgiveness. Let those tears flow and cleanse you. It has always worked for me. And when I shut that all down then I hurt too much and that hurt shifts to anger. Instead I will let it all flow out of me, and I will let myself FEEL.
Love.
I DO love James with all of my heart plus more. I love him to the moon, around the stars, all through the universe and back down to my heart. I remember him with such fondness and grace, and I have to allow myself those memories. They are one of my saving graces right now, bringing to mind my sweet cherished moments with the one man I have loved with every cell in my body, every fiber of my being. He is precious to me. As precious as my own child and my love for him is just as pure and genuine as the love I feel for my son. I will always love him. He will always be my favorite adult human on earth. FAVORITE. He is my most favorite person besides my PJ who is also my angel, and methinks that sometimes James speaks to PJ or through PJ. They are connected.
Oh I miss my dear twin soulmate, the one who pushes me and pushes me and loves me enough to help me rid myself of all this 3D bullshit. Rage... I sometimes rage. And it needs to end. Now. When I feel this way it sucks for both of us. When I am angry then it keeps him locked in the role of showing me that anger from time to time, or staying quiet. And that means he is forced to stay parted from HIS LOVE. His love. I am his love and I know he has always wanted to be with me but my fear and anger has kept him away. Anger has played a large role in my separation, my anger. And my fear, worry and doubt. And it is nonsensical and ridiculous and I am done. I am done forcing this loving human being to "act" like someone he is not because he has to reflect my bullshit back at me. Poor sweet twin. I need to be done with this now so eventually, one day, this guy can approach me with truth and love again, his honest genuine self that is screaming to me known again. He needs to be free of this too. It is not all about me. I know he is hurting, and I know he suffers even if I can't always see this in 3D. I KNOW it in my heart. He does not want to do this anymore, not like this. I know he only want to love me, show me that huge love again like he did before because that is US. That is really us, our love. I'd bet my life on it. You just cannot really understand how WONDERFUL and sweet and loving and kind and good James is. He seriously had wings hidden there somewhere when we dated. I could not ever have met anyone more amazingly gentle, patient and affectionate as this man. As caring, as considerate and as respectful. It was like dating Jesus. Honestly. Dating. Jesus. Dating love. He is perfection. His love for me was so so evident when he was in my life that it is why I can hang on like I do and fight through this, because it was (and still is) so real that I can't doubt it enough to let it go. His love is so strong that despite what sometimes can be pretty horrific illusion I can STILL hold on to that love enough to keep trucking along. To keep working at it. To keep holding on to him and all that he means to me.
His kisses... like kissing Heaven. Real Love. REAL.
This song is for my James. I love you. I miss you. I know you. I trust you. I believe in you and I will always, always defend you. Thank you, my Love.
This has been a challenging journey. I pray for full surrender, for that tempering of my heart, for emotional mastery. For God and Higher Self and my twin to continue to help guide me to be that butterfly, all love, only love.
Hugs,
Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment