Let me preface this blog post by saying I am almost embarrassed to even write it considering how I preach on here about staying out of fear and focusing only on the good stuff like love and belief. I am in the same boat at the rest of y'all, working to fight through fear to own and hold on to truth. It is a journey, and I share here to let anyone reading this know we are all in this together. We may fuck up time and again but if we can gain any awareness from our fuck ups then it's a step in the right direction. Better than fucking up blindly and not gaining any insight from it... right? ;)
Ugh. Something I want to share, and it's a big "ugh" moment for me.
So last night for some stupid reason I was in bed with my son and I fell into one of my "I wanna google some shit" moments. I don't know why I do this. It is stupid, and I know better. Yesterday during the day I watched a video with Lee and Sherry {of "Relationship Reinvented"} and I heard every words they said. Lee said to surrender means to stop letting your brain run the show. To ignore the mind's fearful thoughts and to instead stay centered in the heart and stay in faith, trust, truth, belief and love- all of which emanate from and through the heart. NOT the monkey-mind, not the "hamster stuck on the ever-spinning wheel" skeptical doubtful brain. Lee also said, again, what I say on my blog over and over again: whatever you think about your twin soul is what he will have to show you. Lee said for all of those twin soul females out there thinking, "Oh he's not awakened yet, he's lagging behind, he's holding us up, what the fuck's the matter with him that he just can't heal and be emotionally stable enough to stop running..." to realize that their male counterparts will have to show them all of those thoughts by "acting" out how they are being thought of. Which means the males will deny the connection, keep quiet, act "unawakened" and keep "running."
I am NOT the only one saying these things. I KNOW what Lee speaks of. I've lived it. And I want to stop doing it... like Lee says, "Stop doing that!" I like Lee. He makes me smile.
But even after listening to Lee talk yesterday about being mindful and surrendering to heart and soul meaning QUIETING the mind's fearful "bad beliefs" and scary doubts, etc. I STILL had this dumb passing thought to run a search on my twin's nick name and see what scary shit I might find. Because my dumb brain wanted on last hurrah. So I did this. And I found something on social media that matched like 95% of what I know about my twin. I was reading through this social media "feed" feeling like it just had to be his and most of it was on the up and up except for one major bit that I am not going to lower myself to share here. It was something that just does not match what I know about this guy although most of the rest was like... eerily like him. And I started to literally SHAKE. Major major fear response. And I knew- I KNEW it was really stupid of me to be doing this. I KNOW if I go looking I WILL find something to shake me up and set me back farther from the truth.
Well God was good to me last night. I had to pause and hug my kid who was next to me getting ready for bed. My teeth were literally chattering because it is what happens to me when fear takes over: I shake uncontrollably, and I was last night. I allowed doubt and skepticism to totally overwhelm me. And I know what happens when I do this: I send James farther and farther away from me. In the past when I've done this I've just asked to be mirrored. But in the past I've done it, then I've been mirrored, and THEN I realize why I got the response I did- because I was doubting him and he showed me the things I was feeling and thinking; he was "becoming" my doubts.
And it really bites.
As I said, God was good to me last night. I was like, "No- this is not right. This might appear to be him but it just isn't. I know it." I had to fight back my fear, and it was all brought on by me being skeptical and stupid and doing what I KNOW not to do!! And I found out that no, it's not him. Thank GOD above I was blessed enough to be relieved of the doubt. It's eerily similar, like "not a coincidence" similar. Like, "Hey Jennifer do you wanna keep searching around for shit, doubting, just so you can find stuff because you know you will!?" And I know I will. It's how Law of Attraction works. The universe can and will do anything, and if I go looking for doubt then I will find it. It's mirroring. I ask and I receive. Boom! But last night I was blessedly given some info that let me know this was NOT him that way I am not sitting here freaking out all day worrying and making my energy worse and worse, digging my energetic hole even deeper until one day I'll be forced to speak Chinese. As I came down from my fear I felt totally ridiculous. TOTALLY ridiculous. All I could bring myself to do was say I was sorry and go to bed. I told James and God I am SO sorry for being doubtful. I told my twin I am sorry and I won't do this shit anymore. At the holidays I did something similar and I was mirrored. I had a hard exchange with James and one of the things he wrote was, "You believe nonsense." At first I thought he meant my spirituality and belief in the divine but after some reflection it hit me... he meant "You believe nonsense about me Jennifer." I KNOW this is what he meant, and it's gotta be hurtful to him that I would doubt his goodness over and over again, keeping us apart longer and longer. Why do I do this? I dunno. Humans can be naturally skeptical, doubting what is good and believing the worst. Why do you think so many of us create our own Hellish existences? Because we focus on the wrong shit and then we bring that wrong shit into our existences. "Too good to be true" is terrible energy. We need to just believe that it IS good, and it IS true! Goodness does exist!
*big deep sigh* This insane doubt and skepticism for NO REASON has to stop. It really does. It's keeping me away from him and that is not fair to him either. Back after we first separated I was told to NEVER ever doubt my twin soul; my higher self directly told me this and I think it is time for me to start listening. Like Scully said on The X-Files this following Monday, it's time for us to open up our hearts and really listen. It is only FAIR to James that I think the best of him! Honestly it is. I am actually embarrassed to even be writing this blog post after everything I share here but I *am* still human and I am fighting through fear, still.
But at least I am aware. I am trying not to feel too badly or guilty over how I keep slipping back into doubt. I don't want this for myself anymore. I will be stronger. I've apologized and will focus on the truth. I am not going to let myself do this dumb weak shit again. I have enough willpower and control to stop this. And I love James. I want to see him again and I don't like the fact that I keep him locked into mirroring my lower thoughts and fears. I will not see him again if I continue to doubt him and let my mind run the show because I will manifest only more distance and lies if I do.
It's all on me.
My mom got me a new journal for Christmas. It's beautiful and has biblical passages on every page. This was one of my pages this morning:
Coincidence? I think not. Definitely a message for me. I must pull my head out of my ass and focus on only what is "lovely" and admirable... and my twin soul is all this and more. He is pure and good, as am I. I know our love is real and of God, and I must keep my focus there and not on fear. I do want to see James again but even more important than seeing him again is defending his truth and knowing who he truly is. It is only fair that I hold on to the truth and love he showed me when my life was blessed with his beautiful presence. It is my duty to him and I do believe "defending my twin soul" comes before the desire to hold him in my arms again. It is an important part of our mission, me believing in him. It's what God has asked of me. It's only fair to James that I fulfill my half of our journey together. Believing in him and trusting him is not merely a choice; it's what's been asked of me from above. This is not a game. It's not just "a romance" I know. It is my duty. I'll get there. I do take this seriously. He's a good man and if anything he deserves for me to know his goodness and have faith in the role he plays for me. I know he loves me, and I know he's a good guy. I cannot judge him based on the things he's had to show me about myself, and I absolutely cannot allow myself to fear or doubt him, not one tiny bit.
Love.
*whew*
Ironically I heard "Your Kiss Is on My List" this morning and I cried. Been a long time since I heard it. I didn't feel like I "deserved" to hear it after how I doubted the fuck out of James last night but I did fight through it, and I am NOT going there again. I know who he is, the guy I wrote about yesterday. Respectful, genuine, honest, loving and true.
Truth. Again I am so sorry for doubting my dear Love. He only deserves my trust, faith and love.
Jen
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