I Love Him

I love my James. I really do. I'm working on feeling only love so don't mind my outpouring of emotions because it's the only thing that will save me right now. I remember a lot and one thing is he tried to allow me to share my past with him. He tried to get me to be honest with him about the things I found shameful about my past. After the "separation" we ended up on the phone one night. He said that sometimes when people divorce they kinda go crazy afterwards sleeping around and stuff and he said... "So did you do anything like that?"

Well I did. Not proud of a handful of things I did. Sad really. Sad that I put myself through that shit. But I was scared to admit that to him so I lied and said no. What I realize now is he loves me unconditionally so I can tell him anything and he will accept me. He was giving me the open door to tell him my secrets so he could absolve me through acceptance and love. I wish I would have taken his push to confide in him. I wish I would have told him about the painful choices I made when I lowered myself and was pushing myself to find "love" in the wrong places, trying to fake being some alluring woman when I'm really just Pollyanna sensitive "needs a gentle touch" being-a-mommy-is-my-life me. I wish I would have told him the things that can make me cry now to remember. The things I'd rather die than ever repeat, meaning I'll never do them again. He was trying to show me he will always love me no matter what I share or confess. No matter what my past holds he loves me. I dream of sitting with him holding hands while I tell him about me. All of me.  And I want the same for him with me.  There is nothing about him I would not accept or understand or love him more for.

I miss James a whole heck of a lot. All I want is him back in my life. And only love will do it. Only love will reconnect us. I miss him so strongly because I feel him in my bones. I still feel him, his gentle loving self. I know he is special for me, and I swear I know he's out there loving me. One day he will be able to show me this again, that he loves me. I know he does. I know he's the same guy I knew some time ago. I really love him. That is one thing I can't let go of, our love. Its too pure and amazing and real to push off. And yeah I must focus on it.

I love James. I'm working to keep the real him in my mind at all times, and I only want him. I really only want him.

As I wrote in another post I've been feeling anger and resentment about being on this journey at all and I can't feel like that. It is best to just feel love. Just love, and I do love him. I don't want to feel any anger whether it's at him or God or higher self or whatever. I should not feel any anger so I'm really trying to purge that and let it go. Forever. I'd like to take that fear and anger and trasmute it permanently to LOVE.

I want fried chicken... LOL  It's dinner time and I've been craving fried chicken. 

You have no idea how hard I pray to get one of those messages from my twin soul that say, "Hey are you around? I'd love to talk." But I know that will only happen once I shift my energy to love and truth and belief. It takes a conscious decision to do so, controlling thoughts and intebtion. That is where the loving sweet memories lend a hand. They help shift my thoughts from fear/lies to truth because the darling time we spent together was truth and love.

The park where James and me had our first date is across the street from where I live. I can see it from my front window. Looking at the swings I can see us in my mind's eye, two 40 year old people swinging on the swings under the clear bright sky, full blue moon, stars shining clearly overhead. It was such a beautiful night. A perfect first date. He asked to hold my hand and we walked around my neighborhood hand in hand smiling and talking and I fell in love with him.

I fell hard in love with him. And I love him and miss him so so so much. I would do anything to experience his sweet true love again. I long to see his warm smile and glittering eyes sneaking a peek at me. I feel like an important part of my life is missing with him being gone from me. I just really wish we were together holding hands and strolling along together.

Did you read that?  "An important part of my life."  I am whole.  But my life would feel more complete and full and blissful and happy with him here, with me. Us together, no matter where we are.

A sweeter love I simply cannot imagine. His is the sweetest love. He's irreplaceable to me. All I want is his dear self back in my life.

I miss this man like my heart is somewhere wandering outside of my body. It's all I can do to remember him, truth and love.

I got in the car and the song "My Angel" was playing. Then it was "How Deep Is Your Love?" and then "True." All of those songs speak to me. My love is deep. My love is true and steady and strong. I only want him. I believe he wants me too. Our memories bring warmth to my heart. They make me smile. He's such an endearing man, worth believing in and fighting for.

I really hope I can hear from my sweetheart soon.