I do miss him so much. *sigh* I know I say that here a lot but my heart yearns for my twin. It's not a horrible feeling. It is just is. It's always there. Maybe it does not hurt as much as it did before but GOD do I love him, and I miss my friend. I remember our last conversations. The very last thing he spoke to me was to tell me that yes he still wants a future with me and yes he still wants to have my son in his life. He said my son was not a deal breaker, that he really liked my son. And I know he meant it. He wants to be with us, and I believe he still does want to be with us.
I feel really sad that James has missed out on so much of my son's life. They would be so good together, and PJ really loves James. He still speaks of James, mentions him. Once in a while he will say, "Just text him mommy. Do you have his phone number? Call him mom." Oh, my heart! My heart.
Earlier I was thinking of how easy it was when we were together. We got along fabulously, you know? It felt so comfortable and right being with James, better than anyone else. He felt very safe and fun. I was not nervous. I felt like I could be myself. Maybe I was a little quiet here and there but sometimes the energy between us overwhelmed me and I would get a bit quiet. He brought this unusual shyness and... a chasteness out in me. It was different. I felt like a teenager again with him, like I did with my first boyfriend. Oh so happy and in love but a little overtaken. I think it was his strong energy. His shine was so bright that its brilliance subdued me at times. That is when the shyness would come out. I'd sit there with a silly little grin on my face and just watch him eat or whatever without being able to say much right at that moment. We did not go out on many dates because we were together a short time and we usually only went out when I did not have my son, and I normally have my son. He's with his dad every other weekend and one evening a week for a few hours. All other nights I have him, 12 out of 14. The nights when he was with me James would come over to my house and see me but we did fit in a few dates. And man it is surreal now to look back and remember how EASY it was to be together! It's bittersweet! It was so... fun and nice and perfect to sit there and talk with him, share a meal, laugh and giggle together. Smile. Share our thoughts like friends and almost lovers, and then actual lovers. Lovies.
I really miss him. I wish I had more memories to filter through. I wish I could close my eyes and then open them and he would be back in front of me again. I want to be sitting across the table from him again enjoying an easy dinner date, talking and smiling and oh... loving him so so so much. I fell in love with him from the very start. From the moment I saw him walking towards me on our first date with his big ole' smile and those beautiful blue eyes I knew I was a goner! I remember thinking, "Holy shit what is up with this?! He's perfect, just like I knew he would be!" And he was just perfect. Wonderful. So friendly! We immediately clicked and made great conversation and I could not stop looking at him and thinking how lucky I was. He'd take a sip of beer and look at me over the bottle and I'd get all tingly and blush. And I told him I had to use the bathroom just so I could slip off to text my friend and say, "Squuuueeeee OMFG he's PERFECT, holy shit!!!!" I had never been so terribly excited for a first date in my life! Before James I was bored meeting men. I had told myself I was done and had not dated anyone new for a bit. And then I began talking to him and I knew I'd be super excited to meet him. And I was. I could not wait to meet him. For good reason. Because he's fucking irreplaceabley perfect. *sniff*
That's the thing. "Twin soul" or not. Whatever he is- my heart and soul are just like, "Nope. Don't want anyone else, no one." At this point the thought of being with someone new is more uncomfortable to me than just being like this, life as it is until he's back with me again. Finding happiness where I can, being with my son, listening to good music, eating delicious food {just ask my screaming Spanx, lol!} and taking little road trips and the vacations to Disney and the rest. Being with my family and friends when I feel like it. Or sitting alone if that feels right. This all feels better than being with anyone else would so... I pray. I pray with all my might to see his loving face again.
Because we are still the same, me and him. It feels the same, inside of me. He was there and then he wasn't but the love has always remained. It feels the same as before. He's still right here, in my heart. I can see him perfectly in my mind's eyes, that sweet adorable mischievous childlike grin, a boyish smile. Glimmering. Yes, the ache is real. I ache for him. I miss him SO much.
I'd give anything to be able to sit at my table and share a meal with him again. Something so... normal that was once so easy to do. It was so easy to talk to him. He was very attentive to me. Affectionate and extremely responsive. One of the things I totally love about James is that he is responsive. He really is. After our amazing first date {that ended with a kiss which knocked me off my feet} I wondered if he'd contact me. Some guys don't but I knew he would. And of course he did. Like immediately when he got home he text me and told me what a wonderful time he had and that he was really looking forward to our next date.
No shame in his game. No holding back. No messing with my head or making me wait or holding back and all that jazz. No, he was very open and honest and true about his feelings. He was excited to meet me, and anticipatory about seeing me again and he let me know it. And I love that about him. How he's just so... honest about his feelings. No embarrassment about being open, wearing his heart on his sleeve, sharing his emotions. That is why it was so beautiful knowing him. He's that one love- that showed me true love IS real. And worth holding out for and believing in. And I do believe in his love because it was SO real, so strong, so pure and kind and intense and genuine that I know it still exists.
Ha... funny how attraction works. I thought he was so very cute when I first laid eyes on him. I was kind of like... okay now. Is the joke on me because this guy is WAY too cute to just be... out there waiting. Too perfect. What's the catch? Ha ha ha... little did I know, right? But as he walked towards me I did think ohhhhhhh he's adorable. And that huge smile. And oh he's hugging me and he feels SOOOO good to hug! I don't think I said anything because I was too blown away, lol! But despite thinking he was totally adorable, and oh so sexy, it wasn't like... lust. If that makes sense? He laid that first kiss on me. Took me by surprise. Pulled me to him quickly, took my face in his hands and moved my mouth to his and kissed me... slipped his tongue in my mouth like he was owning me through a kiss and when that brief yet intense kiss ended I stood there fuzzy-headed with stars in my eyes, lol. I was like WTF was that that just happened? *whew* And he just stood there with this little smile on his face like, "Yep- I knew our kisses would be perfect!" and they were, perfect kisses. I, ha, moved in for another kiss. And we stepped back after a minute or two, looking down and blushing and it was like two teens on their first date, kissing in the parking lot. But even though I could have stood out there kissing him under the streetlight forever... I did not feel lust for him. It was this clean pure overwhelming goodness. Just goodness. Excitement! Anticipation! Happiness! My heart already knew he was special and my soul... my soul was singing!
My soul was like, "Oh there you are again!!!" God. Just, God. And he kissed me on our second date and we spent the rest of the evening making out on my couch in the darknened living room but still it was this innocent kissing. Cleansing, beautiful, a gift. No hands roving. He held me in his arms and touched my arms and held my face gently in his hands and we kissed and kissed and kissed for hours and it was heaven. There is nothing I want more than to sit and kiss my Love again. Those kisses were straight from heaven, kissing an angel.
See... it was perfect. He was available and wanted me. He was making an effort to see me and spent time with me. He showed me that he found me valuable and he did this by spending close quality time with me, kissing and cuddling and giggling with our face together and noses bumping each other, looking into each others eyes, but he never asked for more. Never once. He NEVER asked for more. This was glaringly put in my face the other day when my friend told me about a new man she is dating and how he showed her so quickly how badly he wants her. James didn't do that with me. Like, I KNEW he wanted me, of course. And he did tell me he knew it would be special. But when we were together he was always very loving. Sexy too but super super loving. More loving than anything. Even once we made love, and ohhhh it was good love, sometimes soft and lovely and sometimes hard and intense but still it was always amazingly loving. Even when... naughty hard it was still lovemaking and he let me know that in the way he looked into my eyes and kissed me and treated me. And insisted on pillow talk time afterwards, every time. And the man totally waited until I finally got the nerve to take him by the hand and lead him to my bedroom. Then all bets were off. I think he was naked, and had me naked, in about 60 seconds, lol.
He's totally cute naked. Gah. Beautiful in all ways.
I will always ALWAYS adore James for treating me like a precious angel. With respect and dignity. He showed me how worthy I am by spending time with me content to sit and talk and kiss. Fully clothed. Tender. Sensitive. Hot. Oh it was hot. He was obviously excited while I sat on his lap holding his face in my hands and moaning against his lips while we lost ourselves time and again kissing and kissing. Yet he never made a move on me. And it was deliberate. I could see this look in his eyes that said, "I want you but I won't ask. Not until you are more ready than ready." And I needed that. I needed to feel like ME again.
And he always held my hand. Always. Did on the first date. Held my hand all night the last night we were together too. I remember how good it felt to hold his hand. Perfect fit. He has great hands. Tender but strong. I loved being touched by him. I ache, literally ache, to touch him again. I want to explore his body, kiss him from head to toe. Pleasure him and love on him for days. Weeks.
Forever.
I miss my love. I miss him SO much. A more pure honest angelic man cannot be found. Laughable to think. This is why I do what I do. Why I am still in this. Not only do I love myself enough that I do want to heal and be happy and fearless and only love, in love with myself too, but I also love him. I do. I don't love him more than I love me. I love us equal. I love us together, like we are a pair. I know we are meant to be together because we are perfect for each other.
I heard this song on the way home last night. I have not heard it for a long time and it really spoke to me. I am so very much in love with my sweetheart. He's just so dear to me. Only another twin soul or people strongly strongly in unconditional love with another human being could understand how I feel. This is not some disposable "love." It's not expectations and what are you going to do for me and I need you to make me happy. No. I just love him. Everything about him. I love him enough that I'd rather be alone for now than close with anyone else but him. It is him for me. My prince.
He made me feel so young again. He gave me my innocence back. He showed me just how valuable he found me to be. And I know he's out there loving me, wanting his Love back with him, together. He really does mean the world to me, and he always will.
I feel really sad that James has missed out on so much of my son's life. They would be so good together, and PJ really loves James. He still speaks of James, mentions him. Once in a while he will say, "Just text him mommy. Do you have his phone number? Call him mom." Oh, my heart! My heart.
Earlier I was thinking of how easy it was when we were together. We got along fabulously, you know? It felt so comfortable and right being with James, better than anyone else. He felt very safe and fun. I was not nervous. I felt like I could be myself. Maybe I was a little quiet here and there but sometimes the energy between us overwhelmed me and I would get a bit quiet. He brought this unusual shyness and... a chasteness out in me. It was different. I felt like a teenager again with him, like I did with my first boyfriend. Oh so happy and in love but a little overtaken. I think it was his strong energy. His shine was so bright that its brilliance subdued me at times. That is when the shyness would come out. I'd sit there with a silly little grin on my face and just watch him eat or whatever without being able to say much right at that moment. We did not go out on many dates because we were together a short time and we usually only went out when I did not have my son, and I normally have my son. He's with his dad every other weekend and one evening a week for a few hours. All other nights I have him, 12 out of 14. The nights when he was with me James would come over to my house and see me but we did fit in a few dates. And man it is surreal now to look back and remember how EASY it was to be together! It's bittersweet! It was so... fun and nice and perfect to sit there and talk with him, share a meal, laugh and giggle together. Smile. Share our thoughts like friends and almost lovers, and then actual lovers. Lovies.
I really miss him. I wish I had more memories to filter through. I wish I could close my eyes and then open them and he would be back in front of me again. I want to be sitting across the table from him again enjoying an easy dinner date, talking and smiling and oh... loving him so so so much. I fell in love with him from the very start. From the moment I saw him walking towards me on our first date with his big ole' smile and those beautiful blue eyes I knew I was a goner! I remember thinking, "Holy shit what is up with this?! He's perfect, just like I knew he would be!" And he was just perfect. Wonderful. So friendly! We immediately clicked and made great conversation and I could not stop looking at him and thinking how lucky I was. He'd take a sip of beer and look at me over the bottle and I'd get all tingly and blush. And I told him I had to use the bathroom just so I could slip off to text my friend and say, "Squuuueeeee OMFG he's PERFECT, holy shit!!!!" I had never been so terribly excited for a first date in my life! Before James I was bored meeting men. I had told myself I was done and had not dated anyone new for a bit. And then I began talking to him and I knew I'd be super excited to meet him. And I was. I could not wait to meet him. For good reason. Because he's fucking irreplaceabley perfect. *sniff*
That's the thing. "Twin soul" or not. Whatever he is- my heart and soul are just like, "Nope. Don't want anyone else, no one." At this point the thought of being with someone new is more uncomfortable to me than just being like this, life as it is until he's back with me again. Finding happiness where I can, being with my son, listening to good music, eating delicious food {just ask my screaming Spanx, lol!} and taking little road trips and the vacations to Disney and the rest. Being with my family and friends when I feel like it. Or sitting alone if that feels right. This all feels better than being with anyone else would so... I pray. I pray with all my might to see his loving face again.
Because we are still the same, me and him. It feels the same, inside of me. He was there and then he wasn't but the love has always remained. It feels the same as before. He's still right here, in my heart. I can see him perfectly in my mind's eyes, that sweet adorable mischievous childlike grin, a boyish smile. Glimmering. Yes, the ache is real. I ache for him. I miss him SO much.
I'd give anything to be able to sit at my table and share a meal with him again. Something so... normal that was once so easy to do. It was so easy to talk to him. He was very attentive to me. Affectionate and extremely responsive. One of the things I totally love about James is that he is responsive. He really is. After our amazing first date {that ended with a kiss which knocked me off my feet} I wondered if he'd contact me. Some guys don't but I knew he would. And of course he did. Like immediately when he got home he text me and told me what a wonderful time he had and that he was really looking forward to our next date.
No shame in his game. No holding back. No messing with my head or making me wait or holding back and all that jazz. No, he was very open and honest and true about his feelings. He was excited to meet me, and anticipatory about seeing me again and he let me know it. And I love that about him. How he's just so... honest about his feelings. No embarrassment about being open, wearing his heart on his sleeve, sharing his emotions. That is why it was so beautiful knowing him. He's that one love- that showed me true love IS real. And worth holding out for and believing in. And I do believe in his love because it was SO real, so strong, so pure and kind and intense and genuine that I know it still exists.
Ha... funny how attraction works. I thought he was so very cute when I first laid eyes on him. I was kind of like... okay now. Is the joke on me because this guy is WAY too cute to just be... out there waiting. Too perfect. What's the catch? Ha ha ha... little did I know, right? But as he walked towards me I did think ohhhhhhh he's adorable. And that huge smile. And oh he's hugging me and he feels SOOOO good to hug! I don't think I said anything because I was too blown away, lol! But despite thinking he was totally adorable, and oh so sexy, it wasn't like... lust. If that makes sense? He laid that first kiss on me. Took me by surprise. Pulled me to him quickly, took my face in his hands and moved my mouth to his and kissed me... slipped his tongue in my mouth like he was owning me through a kiss and when that brief yet intense kiss ended I stood there fuzzy-headed with stars in my eyes, lol. I was like WTF was that that just happened? *whew* And he just stood there with this little smile on his face like, "Yep- I knew our kisses would be perfect!" and they were, perfect kisses. I, ha, moved in for another kiss. And we stepped back after a minute or two, looking down and blushing and it was like two teens on their first date, kissing in the parking lot. But even though I could have stood out there kissing him under the streetlight forever... I did not feel lust for him. It was this clean pure overwhelming goodness. Just goodness. Excitement! Anticipation! Happiness! My heart already knew he was special and my soul... my soul was singing!
My soul was like, "Oh there you are again!!!" God. Just, God. And he kissed me on our second date and we spent the rest of the evening making out on my couch in the darknened living room but still it was this innocent kissing. Cleansing, beautiful, a gift. No hands roving. He held me in his arms and touched my arms and held my face gently in his hands and we kissed and kissed and kissed for hours and it was heaven. There is nothing I want more than to sit and kiss my Love again. Those kisses were straight from heaven, kissing an angel.
See... it was perfect. He was available and wanted me. He was making an effort to see me and spent time with me. He showed me that he found me valuable and he did this by spending close quality time with me, kissing and cuddling and giggling with our face together and noses bumping each other, looking into each others eyes, but he never asked for more. Never once. He NEVER asked for more. This was glaringly put in my face the other day when my friend told me about a new man she is dating and how he showed her so quickly how badly he wants her. James didn't do that with me. Like, I KNEW he wanted me, of course. And he did tell me he knew it would be special. But when we were together he was always very loving. Sexy too but super super loving. More loving than anything. Even once we made love, and ohhhh it was good love, sometimes soft and lovely and sometimes hard and intense but still it was always amazingly loving. Even when... naughty hard it was still lovemaking and he let me know that in the way he looked into my eyes and kissed me and treated me. And insisted on pillow talk time afterwards, every time. And the man totally waited until I finally got the nerve to take him by the hand and lead him to my bedroom. Then all bets were off. I think he was naked, and had me naked, in about 60 seconds, lol.
He's totally cute naked. Gah. Beautiful in all ways.
I will always ALWAYS adore James for treating me like a precious angel. With respect and dignity. He showed me how worthy I am by spending time with me content to sit and talk and kiss. Fully clothed. Tender. Sensitive. Hot. Oh it was hot. He was obviously excited while I sat on his lap holding his face in my hands and moaning against his lips while we lost ourselves time and again kissing and kissing. Yet he never made a move on me. And it was deliberate. I could see this look in his eyes that said, "I want you but I won't ask. Not until you are more ready than ready." And I needed that. I needed to feel like ME again.
And he always held my hand. Always. Did on the first date. Held my hand all night the last night we were together too. I remember how good it felt to hold his hand. Perfect fit. He has great hands. Tender but strong. I loved being touched by him. I ache, literally ache, to touch him again. I want to explore his body, kiss him from head to toe. Pleasure him and love on him for days. Weeks.
Forever.
I miss my love. I miss him SO much. A more pure honest angelic man cannot be found. Laughable to think. This is why I do what I do. Why I am still in this. Not only do I love myself enough that I do want to heal and be happy and fearless and only love, in love with myself too, but I also love him. I do. I don't love him more than I love me. I love us equal. I love us together, like we are a pair. I know we are meant to be together because we are perfect for each other.
I heard this song on the way home last night. I have not heard it for a long time and it really spoke to me. I am so very much in love with my sweetheart. He's just so dear to me. Only another twin soul or people strongly strongly in unconditional love with another human being could understand how I feel. This is not some disposable "love." It's not expectations and what are you going to do for me and I need you to make me happy. No. I just love him. Everything about him. I love him enough that I'd rather be alone for now than close with anyone else but him. It is him for me. My prince.
He made me feel so young again. He gave me my innocence back. He showed me just how valuable he found me to be. And I know he's out there loving me, wanting his Love back with him, together. He really does mean the world to me, and he always will.
I recently watched a video and thought you could use it. It's about letting go. Not letting go of your attachments with James but letting go of all the pain that accompanies those attachments you are feeling. You deserve to feel happy. You do. https://youtu.be/USC5MJVZLy8
ReplyDeleteThank you I will watch this! You are very sweet to read my blog and want to help me. I appreciate it, and thank you for your prior comments about me letting go of my anger. Very honest and true. I deleted some of those posts because they were not good energy which means your comments went too but thank you for your kind and helpful words.
DeleteI highly suggest taking a numerology reading. It may explain why you are going through these tough times. You can find a bunch of free ones by typing 'free numerology report' into google. Have a great day!
ReplyDelete