Obviously I don't write here often anymore. I don't have much to say as it pertains to twin souls or twin flames. I wish I could tell you that James and I have had some type of "reunion" but that hasn't happened. I have a very good blessed life, and I thankful for the life I have. My life is filled with love.
Despite all the goodness I still miss James a lot. Yesterday my friend Beverly came over to visit with me. She is by far my dearest friend, and she understands me. My boyfriend and I are engaged. And people are wondering why I am not "gleeful" and squeeing it out all over my Facebook page. Bev says she thinks I am in turmoil, and in a way I am. Why? Because I dreamed of something different. I dreamed of being married to James. I've always wanted it to be James. But I live in the here and now, and my boyfriend Dave is a dear man. He truly is, and he loves me so much, and I feel like I am meant to be in his life, in the here and now.
It is really difficult for me to express how I feel. I feel... unnerved. Unsettled. Just now I started crying and I needed to come and blog. Bev has ALWAYS believing my experience with James; she even dreamed of him once. She dreamed he came to one of our big friend parties and everyone was able to meet him. Just like my sister dreamed of our wedding. I wanted those experiences so badly, and I am still not "over it." I'm not. Even after all of this time I still feel melancholy about him. I love James. I hope he's happy, wherever he is. I don't know anything about his life right now. I only remember the man I met and fell hard in love with, the best love I've ever been in.
W can't hide from our hearts. I can't hide from my heart. My heart knows the inner truest depths of how I feel. Yes I am happy. Yes I love Dave. I guess I feel like since there is no James in my life then it is inevitable that I will marry David one day. As I always say, he is a very good man and I love him. I care about Dave deeply, and I do love him. But GOD DAMN it is so fucking hard to still love this other man, and to wonder where he is, and to dream about him, and to... remember him so clearly, and to yearn to hear from him and know him again.
I still wish I could meet James again and sit down to talk with him. I wish we could talk, like really truthfully honestly talk. The man I met the night I turned 40- he was a sweet dear dreamboat of a man. And I miss him. I've been feeling off kilter for the last few days, and I think now I realize it's because I am trying to ignore my heart, push away how I feel because IT IS NOT CONVENIENT. What would be convenient is to enjoy my life, be happy, be happy in love, be excited to get married, plan how and when we are going to get married, feel light-hearted about it all, and revel in the fact that this dear man David thinks I am perfection and loves me with all of his heart. But I am finding it really hard to let go. It hurts. I am torn.
How am I torn? I guess I feel better living with Dave, loving him, sharing life with him without thinking about tomorrow or making societal commitments. I'm super struggling. I want to see James again so badly. Even thought I don't write much in my journal anymore, and I don't really do anything to try (with my energy) to clear the connection or "reach out to him" with my mind/heart/energy- I still miss him. And I think what happens is I push all of that stuff to the side and all of a sudden it all hits me so hard.
My son wants to be a Geologist. Of course he does. He's in love with rocks right now, and all he wants to do is prospect and find gems and learn about them. He's a huge Minecraft fan and he likes to take it "into the real world" by learning about stones, finding them, etc. I miss my Geologist. I miss the conversations I had with James. They were so inspiring; he was so inspiring. And he was so sweet to me. I ache because I still know in my heart that he loved me dearly, and that love never really went anywhere. I could tell the last time I heard his voice that he still loved me. And I have to think that he must still think of me from time to time. He was really in love with me after we met and spent time together. He was excited about knowing me. I remember all that. And nothing changed. Nothing changed! It was all so mystical and weird but nothing changed.
So yes, this still bothers me. I just don't write much because I don't have a lot to say, and I wish it could be different. I wish I could talk to James. I don't know what would happen after that but I wish, oh how I wish, to sit and talk with my friend again. I have these two different scenarios, right? I feel like if I were to sit and talk with James again only one of two things could happen.
1- we'd sit and talk and James would be the same kind sweet man I knew when I met him. Kind of like all of the crazy never happened. I had moments like that over the years after he was gone- all of a sudden we'd reconnect and it would be like ALL of the weirdness never happened. It wouldn't be mentioned at all, or he'd gloss over it and it would be all normal and good and loving and kind- strange but I learned to accept that none of this has been normal, and that can happen. Once the energy is clear (and focused only on truth and love) then it all just falls back into place. So I feel like there would be chance we'd sit and talk and he'd tell me he still thinks of me and how have I been, and boy I still look pretty, and he'd be sweet and kind and he'd still like me, a lot.
And then there is 2- I think what I want most is this: I want to be able to sit and talk with James like two grown adults, respectfully, and totally honestly. I wish I could tell him that... I know it seemed really crazy. And even if he didn't exactly experience the things that I did (the cause and effect, me being the cause and he being the effect) I realize what was happening, even if I don't understand why exactly it was with him, and I learned from it, and I'm sorry, and I've missed him. I want to be able to hug him and tell him I've never experienced pain like I have from missing him. That I've missed him every single day since we parted and I've never forgotten him and I've always loved him, no matter what. That I hope he's very happy and enjoying his life. I hope he is loved. James is the type of man who enjoys being in a loving committed relationship and I hope he's been loved by someone wonderful, who truly loves him and cares for him- he deserves that. Even so I wish I could spill it all, tell him that yes it was scary but I get it, and I love him dearly. And I miss him. I wish we could both tell each other, "Man that was some weird shit," and ACKNOWLEDGE that we really did share something "magical" even if... it was so chaotic and strange. I guess I crave having an open honest talk about what happened (not digging up details) but just to say, "Damn it was strange- I could mention you here where I am and you'd immediately comment on it via email even though you had no "real life" idea what I'd said- like, we are that connected." Or were. Are we still now? I don't know. Maybe?
I'm not sure what happens with "twin souls." I'm not sure what to think about this concept of twin souls. I don't know if it was James because I prayed so hard for EXACTLY him and then he was so strongly energetically connected to me that the entire experience revolved around that manifestation aspect, the cause and effect between us because we were a couple and I thought about him constantly and with tons or energy and emotion... and maybe that is "all" a "twin flame" is. I don't know. Whatever he is to me he made a huge impact in my life and I miss him dearly. I miss my friend. I remember our long chats well into the night. I remember our first AMAZING kiss, OMG. I can't help it. I'd love to kiss him again. I miss his face, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, and I miss his tender touch and his kisses, and his hugs.
I wish all along, when we were apart, I would have just let myself MISS him, even if it meant being sad. Instead of being afraid or thinking the worst or all of that. THAT was what kept him away from me, and I would, to this day, bet my life on that knowledge. Had I trusted him, held on only to him being a good man, not doubted, etc. then a lot of the crazy would not have happened. What a hard lesson to learn.
I can only tell myself that I will again see him one day and talk with him and it will be friendly and loving and kind, the same energy as when we met. The same sweet connection, the friendship, the laughter, the joy, the bliss. I will always love James. Nothing in my life changes that fact.
Again, sometimes it hurts. It all comes rushing up to me and I can't deny that I miss him still. James was one of the very best things to ever happen to me, and I wish I still had him as part of my life. I miss my friend and my love.
I can't help my love, my heart. I really can't.
xxoo
Jennifer
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