Well, hello. It's been a while, I know. I don't know if anyone will even see this! But I've been wanting to write here and update for a while. To anyone who may read this I hope you are all doing well.
It's been almost ten years since I met James. I still think about him every day. I was at work not long ago and I must have emailed myself something many years ago. I was still actively channeling then and it blew my mind! My words from about seven years ago brought it all back, my earnest love and yearning. The twin soul experience. The way I manifested and he mirrored to me. Allllll of my writing. My tears. My deep vicious pain. My healing. Life is so SO so very different for me now. I think the biggest change is (and I've only mentioned this a million times on this blog) I now realize, and live my life knowing, that I'm a very strong manifestor so I have to be very careful where I put my energy. I live this daily. In order to have a happy life I really have to watch what I allow myself to focus on. Sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes I just want to be a negative bitch! I want to commiserate about bullshit and the stuff that annoys me... but 99% of the time I am strong enough to veer away from that because I know I bring to me more of what I focus on, and who wants more bullshit in her life?
James is the one who showed me I am a strong manifestor. But I wanted to come on here and make a few things clear for anyone who might come across this and wonder, "I wonder what she is doing now? Did she reach "union" with her twin?" Some people, after they've been in this for some years, will say that the only reason they met their twin was to heal. I do not agree. Until my dying day I will scream from the mountain tops that I LOVED and still love that man. It was love. I think I completely see what happened. I had very strong energy, and much of it was fear energy. I had a fear of being deserted, left behind, forgotton, not important enough to be memorable. Easily let go, moved on from, replaced. I believed I was fun and interesting... but eventually something better would come along and any man would be able to move on from me. I did not feel important. I did not love myself. So when I met a man who I absolutely ADORED soon that love would give way to debilitating FEAR. Even when I was able to keep that fear to myself and behave "normal" or even... come off as a strong, kind, loving good person- very likeable I would think- inside I was absolutely dying, fighting with my fears, begging God to "please not let him leave me..." I was mired in fear on the inside. Worry and doubt ruled my thinking... and then, being a strong manifestor, those fears would "turn into reality" in some way or another. And that is what happened with James.
It would be interesting to sit down with James and have a completely honest and transparent conversation about what happened, on his end, ten years ago. Like what did it feel like? I'd like to explain to him my side (not "my side" like I'm defending myself but I wish I could tell him what my experience was while we were apart but still in communication at times.) I wish I could be with him, as much time as we needed in a quietish place to sit and talk like two normal human beings. And be honest. Because what I experienced was NOT normal, not "of this earth," and I wish I could share it with him. I KNOW I must have appeared absolutely fucking bonkers much of the time. I was, in a sense, losing my "mind." It's so odd to look back because I knew what was happening. Technically I knew he was mirroring me. But when the hurt would arise, the anger would come, and the grief, and I would start thinking "bad" things and then the silence would continue, or the odd messages would arise, and I could not get out of that vicious circle.
I hate that.
It's been over six years since we've been in contact with each other. The very last thing he told me was he acknowledged that he did love me, always had, and he wanted to be with me. I heard his voice because it was on the phone, totally unexpectedly, and I can still remember how sad he sounded. Looking back it's really quite sad. I'd bet my life that he did miss me, and he wanted to be with me, but I was keeping him from me with my super strong energy. Twin soul experiences are no joke.
Twin soul, twin flame... I am not sure if those exist (yes, go ahead and throw something big and hard at me, hurtle away!) But seriously the label means nothing. He was my strongest soul connection. He's the one I felt such magical love for that I walked through Hell to try and get back with him. He was the only one special enough to acutally help heal me. I loved him SO much that despite how scary the twin soul experience was (it can be super painful when you are creating your worst monster through your twin soul) and how hard he had to mirror my anger and fear back to me I kept plugging along because I. LOVED. HIM. I knew he was my mirror. I knew what my guidance, my higher self, used to tell me- that he had a job to do for me, to heal me. To show me myself, and he would stop at nothing to do so. And my job was to love him through it, no matter what. To remember who he truly way, the sweet kind gentle loving man I met and dated and fell deeply in love with. The man who always called me, always text, always the cutest sweetest words. Who had no trouble with commitment and wanted to be my boyfriend. Who waited patiently and respectfully for me to be ready to be physical. Who brought me little gifts and who was kind to my young son. Who accepted me for who I am. Who loved me. I know he loved me, and I know that did not change.
So now. After four years I did start to heal. I began literally forcing myself to be very very careful what I manifested. I became a "believer" and even when I felt shitty or angry I pushed it to the side and began affirming goodness and love, and my life began changing for the better. See, I had a HUGE anger problem to overcome. I used to have huge amounts of anger inside of me. I didn't often show that anger in the "real world" but I would vent it into my journal, or sometimes out loud when by myself. Pure rage. I hated spirit. I hated this twin soul journey. I hated being separated from the person I loved. I could go on and on. I finally came to realize all of those huge anger outbursts were being mirrored back to me in certain ways, and sometimes through James' interactions with me. It became SO obvious that I had to OVERCOME it. We use the word "heal" but for me, let me make this very clear, I forced myself to overlook the anger and replace it with something else. Because I knew the HELL my anger would create for myself. I chose differently. I avoided that anger. I did not allow myself to indulge in it. And slowly but surely it began to dissipate. I still have a snarky personality. I have to really be careful online because it's so easy to get sucked into drama, and drama is not good energy for me. If I let myself get embroiled in something stupid online then I can easily brew up something shitty in my life. I have to avoid it. I have to avoid anger, frustration, etc. I understand LIFE is life and we all get angry, irritated, frustrated- God knows I do! I feel it then let it go. I don't let myself wallow in it or let it fester. I can't if I want to be happy. Because I manifest into my reality situations, people, experiences- that match what I am focusing on. When I feel big emotions and energy over something then it is bound to come back to me. So I work hard to keep my energy focused on the good stuff.
James. I think about him every day. I am married now, and I don't feel guilty for still loving James. I still wish I could meet him again. I have a dream that one day he will just reach out to me, out of the blue like he used to, and say hello. Like nothing ever happened. And we'd plan to meet and talk, and we'd talk and hug. My husband knows this. I refuse to feel badly about my love for James. I've been honest since the day Dave showed me he was interested in me. He knew being with me, marrying me, was contingent on the fact that I also loved James (no matter how long it had been) and in my silly little heart I felt that one day, some day, I would see him again, and I'd never let that wish go. My husband agreed to that. My husband is genuinely one of the sweetest kindest people you could ever meet, and he loves me dearly. I love him too and I am eternally grateful for him. It's just different. Loving Dave and marrying him doesn't replace how I feel, what I went through, or the fact that there never was an "ending" to me and James.
When I met Dave it had been four years of separtation and being alone except for my son. I was feeling better, stronger, but the journey was really wearing me down. Over those four years I was a HUGE hermit. I would stay home and journal for hours, working out my shit. That's how I worked it out- I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. Kajillions of words. THAT is what showed me most that I was a manifestor. I'd write in my journal, "I'd love for him to come home and go for a walk, holding my hand." And an hour later I'd get an email from James saying, "I can't wait to come home and see you again. Will you go for a walk with me, and can I hold your hand?" When those things first happened I thought I was losing my mind! But they happened over and over and over until I saw that anything and everyting I was thinking about him would or could be shown back to me from him, no matter how deeply inside I was feeling it. Talk about having to totally gut yourself. You don't have any idea the terror that comes with being shown your own rage, fears and doubts through being mirrored by your twin soul. For me it was almost like I was forced to "clear myself out" or else I may have went crazy or hurt myself or worse. Luckily I saw it clearly and was stubborn enough in my love for James to see past that mirroring, fight through my fear. I was bound and deterimed to MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Until... I just couldn't do it anymore. When I began clearning out the crap, and he no longer had to mirror that to me, it got strangely silent. And I had a very difficult time with no contact for months and months. It wore me down. I'd try to "manifest" hearing from him (because seriously that was the only way I could receive contact from him once we were in "separation) and when months would go by I finally could not handle it anymore. Writing started slowing down. I felt better and was ready to LIVE again. I wasn't dating. I was like militantly holding out for James! But I was going out, having fun, singing karaoke (which I love!) Meeting people. I was meeting wonderful people because, get this, I was changing what I focused on. I was being positive, affirming goodness... and goodness was coming to me. But James was not. And then I met Dave which was the very last thing I expected to happen. Dave just happened, ha. I met Dave and then we barely spent one day apart. It was very challenging at first. I felt like I was doing something "wrong" in dating Dave and putting my energy towards Dave instead of... affirming night and day that James was a great person and we would be together again. I didn't write those things like I used to. I kind of fizzled out when I started to LIVE again. And spirit was kind enough to show me in various ways that this new love with Dave was fine and good. And I've come to understand that love is love is love and it is okay to love more than one person, even in a "romantic" sense. With me I feel fortunate because I was able to be honest with Dave about how I feel, about my journey. Dave tells me I am "powerful." He knows I manifest (we all do, so does he.) We are not religious but we are good people, and we practice manifestation kind of as our "religion." My son knows my beliefs, and we work together to affirm our days. I have a very happy life. My life is blessed in seriously every way. I have a great job, partially working from home, I got a raise for literally no reason of mine, and goodness literally just "falls out of the sky" for me which I am grateful for. THIS IS WHY I FOCUS LIKE I DO. Because of the return on investment!
All that said, I still think about James, and I still miss him. Sometimes more than others. Often just a wee bit. But not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I get reminders. I dream of him, and when I do it's like I was just with him. I can see his smile and hear his voice. It is so weird. But I have to ask myself... if it all boils down to manifestation, and I don't put the energy in, will I ever hear from him or see him again? I tend to just live my life. I don't journal like I used to. But sometimes I want to pick up my pen and remind myself of the man I met on my 40th birthday and had the absolute greatest first date EVER walking in the park. He asked me, and honest to God I can still see us in my mind walking along together and he looked at me and asked if could hold my hand and then he grabbed my hand and we walked along together like two teenagers. Full moon, blue moon. And we were swinging on the swings, and talking. Talking all evening.
It would have been so simple. Had I met James knowing what I know now we'd be married and have at least one child. Because I would have only manifested strenghtening our relationship. No fears. But... that didn't happen, and I can't regret it. I had to be cleared of my fears and anger. I had to learn how to love myself, truly. Because you won't manifest entirely good stuff if you think badly of yourself because- you bring to you what you believe. So if you feel you are unworthy then you will get proof of that in your every day life. But turn that around and love yourself, think you are a good person, a person worthy of love and wonderfulness, and then those things will come to you. Now I love myself. A LOT. God damn I've been through more than anyone, ANYONE, will ever understand unless I was to write a book about it one day. I've come close to death, and I've seen what Hell is. For that reason I adore myself, especially for everything I've been through.
I want to tell those of you who may be in the middle of a twin soul experience, a separation of some kind, just because I am not with James now does not mean you can't make it with your twin soul/twin flame. But what that will take is you working SO SO SO hard on changing how you think. I KNOW I am 100000% right that the one who goes silent, who moves away or whatever, is NOT "the runner." They are the mirror. A "runner" if what I would have been if, during the middle of all the scary mirroring, I would have "ran off" and avoided him altogether. Had I ran off and gotten together with someone else two years into it (before I saw things clearly and started changing for the better, before he'd done his job for me like he was supposed to) then I would have been "the runner," running away from the connection. You have to look past the mirroring and focus only on their goodness which is truth. Anything less is you being mirrored, them acting as your mirror. I don't mean to sound like a hypocrite but hear me out- I had HUGE fear. I have super strong energy. So when James was acting as my mirror it was brutal (no fault of his own.) I created so much distance between us that I was not able to climb out of that. I think in the end, back five years ago when I met Dave, it would have ended up detrimental to my health for me to keep trying, and keep trying, and not moving on with my life. I've never ever "let go" but I did have to move on. I was shown that... I never intended to meet Dave. I believe fully that was somehow "planned" for me. But for others who do not have the same energy as I do, who maybe have not dug that energetic hole (and distance) as much as I did... you have hope!
I truly believe you CAN reunite with your twin. I believe it IS about the love. I believe twin souls are meant to be together, are good together... but shit they mirror you so you have to be in a good place. You cannot think anything bad about them, or doubt them, because they will only show you what you think about them. If you do not have totally unconditional pure love for your twin soul, where you know they are doing a job for you on a spiritual level (even though they just seem like a normal Joe Schmoe sometimes even clueless human being) and you do not judge them badly in any way- then you will not reunite. But if you clear yourself out, and you stop creating distance, and you manifest goodness consistently- then I truly feel that you can be back with your twin soul. So don't despair! I'd like to make one clarification here though- I do NOT support people who randomly throw around the term "twin soul" to excuse and tolerate being abused. You must be spiritually mature enough to know the difference. Twin souls stay distant FOR A REASON. It's part of the process, healing from afar. If there is someone in your life, continuing to be there, close to you but abusing you then that is just a jackass you need to love yourself enough to get away from, not a twin soul. If there is strong twin soul mirroring going on then believe me there is also silence and often (like in my case) some kind of distance.
Lately I feel like "trying" again. I have things I wonder. Like... has that ship sailed now? Or if I started putting my focus on him in my heart, good thoughts, loving thoughts, remembering goodness... could I one day hear from him again? Is it possible? I don't have all the answers, but often I do want to try. To see him and know the man I first met would mean just so much to me. We never ended, and in my heart we never will. Anyone else would think I am silly but I tell myself we still love each other, and if we were to meet again the same energy would be there between us: endearing, precious, loving, special, cosmic... and that's okay.
If you're at the stage where you are still in touch with your twin soul, think about this post. If you want them with you then you have to energetically work hard to love only. And believe the journey because it is not of this world.
Hugs,
Jen
