Blue Moon Memories

I met James for the first time on the blue moon, 8-20-13.  I suppose it fits, right?  A unique and magical experience like meeting my one and only true love, my "twin soul," only happens once in a blue moon.

That night is one of my best memories ever.  We had spoken on the phone, text and emailed for three weeks before meeting {and of course Jason Mraz "I Won't Give Up On Us" just started playing right now} and I was really anticipating meeting him.  He was so sweet and easy to talk to.  Fun, totally cute and jolly; he was super excited to meet me too.  I just knew I would like him.  Something told me that this man would be different than the rest.  I had NO qualms about meeting him.  Dating had, by this time, become dull and stale, like a chore.  I hadn't been on a first date in a while and I was very much anticipating meeting James, so so refreshing to be wayyyy excited in meeting a man for the first time.  It was my 40th birthday too, and my sister had taken me out for lunch to a Chinese restaurant where my fortune read, "You are important enough to ask and you are blessed enough to receive back."

Before I left to meet him I asked my guidance to tell me, again, why I was meeting him, an Atheist.  My guidance told me the following: "Walls will fall and hearts will melt.  This one is a gem.  Cherish him."  And one final word, "nemesis."  I had no idea what some of it meant but I grabbed my purse and drove the minute around the corner to meet him at a bar near my house.

I remember seeing a little black two-door car parked in the lot, and a man was getting out of it.  I parked and as I got out he walked up to me with a HUGE smile, reached for me and said, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you would be," as he hugged me, and then he lead me inside the bar.  First thing I noticed is he was wearing a t-shirt with a big glaring red "A" on it for "Atheist" and I thought it was pretty ballsy of him to do so but it made me grin.  I thought he was SO adorable!!!  Oh gosh, he bounced when he walked.  So fully of good energy and joy.  That glowing smile and sparkling blue eyes.  The shirt was black and he wore jeans and he's clean-shaven with short spiky hair and the dark shirt with his blue eyes and glowing smile... gah.  He was sweet.  About floored me.  Not being anything like the men I normally date- he totally swept me off my feet at first glance.

I guess God knows better than I do, hm?

It's so funny- I've always thought the song "Closer" by NIN is pretty sexy.  As we walked in that song was playing and he said something about lyrics to songs being important, and he grinned and said, "Like this one."  And I had this feeling like how did he know to say that?  We sat down to have a beer and talk and he asked me if I smoke and I said no although in the past I had from time to time.  He said he didn't really want to date someone who smoked and I joked that it was a question he should have asked me much earlier than upon meeting.  I don't really remember what we talked about as we sat there but at one point I had to pee so I walked to the bathroom and while there I text my BFF saying, "Oh my God he's perfect!  I am SO excited right now!"  I was very happy to be there.  He made me feel super comfortable and excited to know him better.

He slid off his bar stool and said, "Come on let's go take a look at your birthday blue moon," and we left to go outside for a walk.  And this is where it all started, right here.  The night was geeeeoooorgeous.  Totally perfect, warm and clear with bright shining stars and a full glowing moon.  As we walked he glanced sideways at me and said, "Would it be okay of I held your hand?" and I speechlessly nodded as he reached over and took my hand in his.  And I about died.  See, my ex-husband refused to hold my hand.  He acted like it was a chore, or he made a big scene about holding my hand so I always wanted a man who would hold my hand and then THIS guy asks on our first date, this insanely perfect man?  I was like, "Wait a minute here- what's up with this?"

He's got this wobbly little walk, bow legs.  And he *always* looked at me sideways, and smiled.  Always smiling.  That is something about James I cannot forget, how he always had a smile on his face.  He made me laugh a lot.

We walked along hand in hand and he kind of rubbed my palm with him thumb and... *squeeee* OMG.  Just OMG.  He's a walking ball of love and sexiness.  And he kept smiling at me.  He did most to the talking; I don't think I could talk much.  He spoke of science and the sky and my birthday.  He told me all these facts about earth and the universe, like the earth is 4.5 billion years old and the universe is 14.5 billion years old and there are as many stars in the sky as there are grains of sand on earth... can you imagine?  It really is a mind-blowing statistic.  And he told me I am made of star stuff.  Eloquent and graceful in his manner he took a look at me and guesstimated what I weigh, and he came up short, lol.  He told me what I'd weigh on the moon.  My little Science Trip.

Then we reached the swings and each took one and began swinging.  Somehow without me even planning it we were having the Best. Date. Ever. swinging under the light of the blue moon.  We looked at the moon and commented on how beautiful it was, and we talked.  As we talked he said something that made me take notice.  He looked up at the sky and said, "I believe in nemesis."  I of course was taken aback so I asked him to repeat himself and he said, "I believe in nemesis.  It is a hypothetical binary star to the sun," and he went on to tell me more about this "nemesis."  But of course all I could think of was that my guidance had used the same word before I left to meet him.  I didn't know what to make of it though.

We moved over to a park bench and sat to talk, him still holding my hand.  We were close.  He was adorable.  Just absolutely adorable and I felt that he could be someone special to me.  There was a pause and... I had to pee so bad!  My house is just across the street from this park so I asked him if he minded running to my house really quick because I seriously had to pee.  The beer did it to me!  We quickly walked to my house {thank God it was clean!} and he sat on the couch while I used the bathroom.  It was dark in the room and I remember so specifically how he was careful.  He did not touch me while in my house.  As soon as I walked back into the living room he shot up off the couch and moved to the door and we left.  Super respectful, not taking advantage of the situation.

Months later, after things changed actually, he'd mention our first date a lot whenever we'd end up on the phone, and a few times by email.  One thing he told me was that he almost kissed me while sitting on the park bench.  Said he'd been anticipating kissing me since we began talking since our energy was so off-the-charts and he was dying to see if we'd match intimately, and he knew "the kiss" would seal the deal, either yay or nay.  As he was getting ready to lean in to kiss me I blurted out, "I gotta pee!"

We walked around for a little longer and then it was time to head back to the bar to get our cars.  I was already wondering if he'd contact me afterwards.  So many guys don't follow up at all, or days later, and I think that's in bad taste.  I didn't want our date to end.  It was perfect, like he fell from heaven or something.  We reached our cars and he walked me up to mine.  I remember probably looking in my purse for my keys or something like that because he was standing close to me with this huge smile on his face and as I lifted my head he totally grabbed me and laid this SUPER huge sexy intense kiss on me that about made me fall over.  It was this kiss like, "I have waited my entire life for you and I can't wait one more second to kiss you!!!"  Oh my God.  He just reached out, took my face in his hand, brought our faces together and kissed me.  And he, with no apologies, slipped his tongue in my mouth, like totally owning me.  I was silence, completely stilled for a moment.  Shocked.

We broke apart and he looked at me, kind of amazed and I had no words.  Instead of talking I leaned forward for another kiss!!  Putting my arms around his neck for a moment we kissed deeply and my head was spinning.  I was thinking, "How?  How can he feel sooooo good?  So perfect and familiar and like home to me?  Why do I feel so comfortable with this man?  I could kiss him for ages..."Again we broke away and kind of grinned and giggled and looked at the ground, blushing, for making out in the parking lot like teenagers.  I thanked him for a wonderful date, a wonderful birthday, and we parted ways.

I watched my gift get into his car and drive away and I just melted.  I wondered if I'd hear from him.  Hoping that he'd follow how he'd be up until that point, totally conversational, saying hello every morning and good night every night even though we hadn't met yet.  I felt confident that he was one good man who knew how to treat a woman.  And I was right.  He got home about a half hour later and text me to tell me what a wonderful time he had.  He said I was the most beautiful woman ever and he hoped I'd meet him again.  He said he hoped I had a nice birthday and we made plans to see each other again.

I remember that night with vivid clarity.  It was by far the most magical night of my life, meeting the man who would change my life.

I do have to say I had NO idea, none.  I barely knew what a twin soul was- I'd heard it somewhere before but knew so little about it that it never occured to me that he might be anything like that.  I knew he must be soul energy but I had no idea.  I wish I had.  I wish I would have listened to my guidance and went all in, surrendered my fears and just let his love soak into me.

I miss my James.  So much.  And I have to admit something, the reason why I MUST write about him.  I find myself "blocking."  Putting those walls up.  I find myself thinking bad thoughts, thoughts I won't repeat here.  LIES.  I have to stay in a place of love where I defend my twin soul, defend the one who has sacrificed time spent with his true love in order to help heal her... me.  He deserves my love and affection, deserves for me to trust in him and remember who he truly is. 

This man was so excited to meet me, quivering with joy like a little freaking puppy dog.  We had an intense romance that began before we even met, before we laid eyes on each other or kissed.  The stars were totally aligned for us to meet like we did, under the light of that birthday blue moon.  He is the love of my life, and I am his.  I believe that he is out there dying to see me again, wanting his Beloved back in his life.  He wants me with him at night keeping him warm, snuggling.  My son sleeps with me- at night I get to cuddle up to him and snuggle and read to him and feel his companionship.  James has no one, and I firmly believe he is single and waiting for me.  I know that some months ago he wrote to me that he wished I was with him cuddled up in his arms.  I feel compassion for him because he is a man who craves being in a romantic relationship; James loves having a close girlfriend, and he wants to be married.  He does not like being alone.  And I know he is alone, for me.  I know he's aching for me, maybe more even that I am for him.  I have a sneaky suspicion that I cannot even fathom how much he misses me, his love.  James once told me, "I know I love you more than you love me."  It was after the shift and I was like, "Yeah whatever."  "Right."  But he said again, "No I know I love you more.  I love you to infinity and beyond times twelve.  I want you to be mine forever."  I could always feel an almost like... desperation to him, like, "You just don't understand how much I love you, do you?"   And maybe I didn't.  Maybe I still don't understand it.  Maybe it is one of my issues, comprehending how much he loves me and needs me back in his life, but I do believe it.  He showed me so much amazingly magical sweet tender gentle love.  I can't imagine myself with anyone but him.  My love.  My Light.  My gem.  I love him so so much.

My gift.  My blue moon birthday present.

Oh how I miss you my love.  I miss you and I hope you are well.  I know you want to be with me again, and I am working on it.  Thank you for waiting on me.  I love you my sweetheart.

I believe in you.

I believe in me.

I believe in us.

Again on Mirroring...

Mirroring.  I need to refresh on this.  Mirroring does NOT always mean the other person is feeling exactly what you are or that he/she is experiencing the same stuff all the time.  It does not necessarily mean because you are feeling sad then your twin is feeling sad.

Mirroring means the other person is showing you something about yourself.  Maybe in many cases it will seem like they are feeling the same things, and maybe they ARE feeling the same things.  But really what is happening is if you need to see something about yourself then that other person is the one showing it to you.

In my experience pretty much anything and anyone in life can be used as a mirror for us to see things about ourselves that we need to see.  When I am feeling fearful about something in particular then a complete stranger could walk up to me and speak that fear to me so I can "see" it, glaringly obvious.  It's happened to me one to many times for me to write it off as a coincidence.  A twin soul, though, this person mirrors everything to you, fully.  Not just "one moment in time" and not only just good stuff.  They are here to make you face your deepest fears and they do this by almost kind of like "enacting" those fears to you.  They are SHOWING you the fear so you can see it and face it and realize it is not real.

So- this is SO so important to understand and BELIEVE!!  If you are scared that your twin soul does not really love you then your twin soul is going to act as if he does not love you.  This does NOT mean the twin soul is "afraid of love" or "cannot love" or has some block to love or blah blah blah.  It has nothing to do with his own emotions, issues, blockages, etc.  In reality the twin soul could feel tons of love for you but CANNOT show it due to being contracted as playing the part of your spiritual mirror so you can see your fears fully.  It's actually a suck-ass job but some soul had to agree to do it and that would be the one you call your twin soul.

And this is where it gets allllllll fucked up in the twin soul world.  Everyone thinks that since the other twin seems to be "running" from love then THEY, the other twin, are the ones with the issue.  And that is SO so so not true.  I am sure in some cases it can be mutual or whatever, or not even a twin soul situation to begin with, but in a true "full spiritual mirror" union one is mirroring the other.  So if you fear the your are not worthy, not thin enough, not young enough and your twin is going to like someone younger and thinner then WATCH THE FUCK OUT because yes you can create pushing your twin into the arms of what you fear most.  And this would not mean, in any way, that he is running to someone else to escape you or the intensity or any of that whiny bullshit that is taught on most websites.  It means that if you have fears then he will enact them for you so you can see them.  It means if you are sitting there thinking, "He does not love me enough to choose me," then he is going to literally TAUNT you with messages like, "Sorry I didn't respond sooner!  I was soooo busy and having fun drinking beers with the guys that I didn't respond until now" {and it's like three weeks since you text him last.}

Again this does not mean he is a douche who cannot commit.  It means he is a soul who agreed to manifest into whatever you fear, doubt or misbelieve about him.  He will show you your hangups about yourself.  He will also tell you that you are wonderful, beautiful, and the best girl ever... but then he won't commit and it will make you crazy wondering why this man seems to think you are the best thing since sliced bread yet he won't define a relationship with you, and he will go weeks or months without responding and when he does often it will seem insane.  And it is all because he is being your mirror.  No it does not mean that he also feels fear.  Not at all, that is not what mirroring is about.  You can very well be the one who thinks the stuff, and he is the one who projects it back to you via acting as the mirror.

Please get this straight.  It will save you a lot of sorrow in the end when you stop placing blame on him.  And the more you think "Oh he's just a runner who is scared of love," then the more he is going to show you that by being quiet and saying things like, "You scare me."  Yet he means none of it.  It is all an illusion meant to push and prod all of your fears out of you and into the light so you can let them all go.

Rethink mirroring.  Think of this song by Justin Timberlake.  He sings about not being able to change without the mirror, and this is because the mirror shows us the very things we need to stop fearing so we can move on into happiness.

And one more comment about the mirroring.  So many debaters of what I share about mirroring say, "Well why is it all about you?  Why is he so perfect?"  All I can say to that is if all I feel like sending to my twin is... love then what am I mirroring to him?  Does that make sense?  I have utterly no desire whatsoever to send my twin anything besides words of adoration, affection and love.  And I firmly believe this is because *I* also have a soul inside of me that is used as HIS mirror.  And he is healthy and whole and ready for love.  So this is all I mirror back to him.  This doesn't mean that I let him walk on me or abuse me or that I bite my tongue with him.  NO- it means that I become OVERWHELMED with this intense tsunami-like wave of love and affection for him, about him, that I want to wash him with.  And I know it comes from soul, and I know it is me acting as his mirror.  Thing is there is nothing else there I am supposed to show him.  Just that love.

I hope that offers some clarity for those who feel I am ignoring my twin's "faults"- truth is there are no faults there to ignore, and there are no FEARS there to mirror.

The One-Sided Connection *I Just Have to Say Something!!*

Okay so there is some talk out there about the "one-sided" soul connection where one party feels it but the other does not.  Or one party admits to feeling it but the other does not.  I know these soul connections can feel frustrating, and I know many people can take a shitty relationship and apply a strong soul connection label to it when it's really just a shitty relationship.  The difficult thing about this is you really REALLY need to know your own truth when you think you are in a strong soul mate relationship, or in a twin flame situation.

A twin flame situation will have all of the divine bells and whistles that come along with it: dreams, signs, messages from the divine, messages channeled through people around you, songs that seem to speak to you, telepathy from your twin {even if they don't seem to realize what they are doing} repeating numbers, etc.  It's pretty unmistakable as long as you don't write it all off as doubt or that your mind is creating it all.

The tricky thing about a twin soul/twin flame union is you will only get from them what you are meant to since they are a mirror.  So even if that person is experiencing the connection too, in his or her own way, they won't be able to tell you.  They can't.  They can only mirror your own thoughts, beliefs, fears, etc.  If you are in doubt then they will show you doubt, and showing you doubt might entail denying the connection.  So they might deny the connection even if that is a boldfaced lie because, again, they have to mirror your own doubt.  Doubt and fear are both lies, untruth, illusion.  So when you feel these things then what you will get back from your twin will also be lies, untruth and illusion.  Basically what you will get is the opposite of truth.

So if truth is there is a strong soul connection, and you know there is but you are doubting something about this person, then he/she will LIE to you and say things like, "You're crazy.  I feel no connection.  Don't talk to me anymore!  You're scare the shit out of me!"

If it is a twin soul then I guarantee the moment when you calm down, go inner and start to trust your twin soul and the experience, for real, then he/she will reach out as if nothing was ever said and say something normal, something TRUTH.

This is all to get you to change from fear to love, by the way.  So you can become that butterfly who soars in love instead of staying grounded in fearful lies, worries and doubts. 

That is how it works.  So.  It's counter-productive for "experts" to claim that if only one side is feeling the connection {or outwardly admitting to the connection in 3D} then it cannot be a twin soul connection.  This is not right because the twin soul will ONLY admit to or say what it needs to in order to play the role of the full spiritual mirror.

I just had to speak what I feel here.  Hope it may helps some of you :)

Jennifer

**Unplugging**

He said we'd have a beach wedding.  "Sushi at our wedding, right?" he asked me.  And the last time I saw him he looked me in the eyes and asked, "Are you going to look me in the eyes when we exchange our vows?"

Then my sister dreamed of our wedding without knowing the details yet in her dream she knew everything.

I daydreamed about our wedding today.  On the beach, totally casual.  We've both been married before.  I don't want another big party.  This time it will be all about the person and nothing to do with the party.  I just want to marry James.  A small wedding.  Only closest friends and immediate family,  I see us getting married in California and yes on the beach.  My son will be included in the simple ceremony.  I will cry.  And our party will be at some small restaurant and maybe outside, with sushi.  And Michael Buble', smooth music.  We will dance to "Hold On."  He will hold me close but also smile at me while looking into my eyes.  We will be the perfect fit.  He will hold my hand all night, and for the rest of our lives.  He will dance readily with me.  He will feed me sushi.  He will make me breakfast in bed.  We will be together forever, for eternity.

I am tired my friends.  Like super duper tired.  I need to unplug.  I can't stand 99% of what is out there about twin souls.  I can't tolerate all of the supposed "spiritual" people who are not practicing what they preach.  I don't need to be spreading my energy around all over the place.

I think I am going to try to stay mostly unplugged from technology for a while.  I have nothing new to share here but I will still write out my sweet memories, and if you'd like to read them then feel free.  I've pretty much shared my experience already, at least up until this point.  Of course if thoughts come up I will share them... I tend to be unable to be quiet yet I am not going to write if or when I don't feel like it.

I will say I reached out to Jason and apologized for cutting him off.  It is not his fault that Spirit uses him to give me messages,  I watched a video by Patricia McNeily where she says the certain people might begin to act sweeter and say sweet things and often this is the twin energy coming through them, and I think this is Jason.  So I explained to him what's been happening and he was understanding.  I am not going to throw away my soul mate who has always cared for me out of fear or frustration that James is not in my life right now.  Not fair to me, not fair to my friend.  Jason and I don't talk much.  I don't use him as a crutch or distraction- he is an honest friend who is a soul connection.  I feel rather stupid for telling him we can't talk any longer so I apologized and learned from it.  I can tell the different in energy I am supposed to keep in my life and energy I need to be rid of.  Jason is good energy.  If he wasn't then he would not be used to give me loving messages.

Jennifer

Musings...

While in the midst of a twin soul separation many "gurus" {or those who would like to think of themselves as "experts" instead of just "experiencers"} say "You have to live your life."  And I understand this.  Just because this person who came and turned my world upside down in love is not here with me right now does not mean I can stop living my life.  These pictures are from our recent trips to the beach.  We live near the dunes, fresh water lakes as big as mini oceans- total beauty.  I tend to forget this amazingness is only a half hour away from our home.  We live in a very urban area so getting away to nature is very important to me.  It is a blessing to brush off the concrete and technology and be immersed in nature.  Last night after work I hurried to pick up my son, ran home to throw together some sandwiches and our suits, and off we sped to the beach for the evening.  I have not stopped living my life since James left me, and as a matter of fact I am shocked at how even right after he left, went quiet and I felt like my world was crumbling I was still able to function and function well.  I had my son's 4th birthday at a train-themed restaurant at that time.  I remember taking him trick-or-treating and wondering how I'd make it through.  But I did.  Maybe it was because all along somewhere inside of me I knew James truly did still love me and I was experiencing a divine connection.

I've never felt that this journey is to show me that I need to be whole on my own, or joyful while having no romantic love in my life.  I don't think it was meant to "strengthen" me but to make me more fearless.  Honestly I feel the only reason why I've experienced it is to make me believe I am loveable and desirable in all ways, to get me to believe when love is offered to me.  He showed me so much love, so much love.  He was thankful that I was his sweet unique accepting girlfriend, and he felt that he'd finally met the love of his life.  It is not always easy living life without my male companion here with me.  I miss James so much.  But I do live.  I just wish he was here with me right now so we could live life together.  I know that is what he wants more than anything, to be back with me again, and he will soon.

XxOo

Jennifer

Where It Started

I'm practicing writing blog posts from my phone for when I feel like purging out some sweet memory of James in order for me to keep peace and balance in my brain. My deepest apologies in advance because in order to learn much about my experience you'll have to hit older posts. Now I want to concentrate on shifting the energy by remembering him. 

Only those who believe in magic and who are not cynical about love in the least will be able to stomach these blog posts because YES I will continue to place James up on a pedestal. If you feel this makes me weak or pussyfied or a pushover or blind then please stop reading my blog and making yourself crazy by my strong belief in his divine nature. The exit is there to the right. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Please don't misunderstand me. I think I rock just as much as I believe him to. He's awesome but so am I. I'm not discrediting myself in the area of amazingness as a person, woman or girlfriend. The reason why I concentrate on his love for me and how awesome he is is because it shifts my energy from fear/untruth to love/truth. I'm not just here glorifying James because I'm mooning over him (well maybe a little bit) but because it's an energetic exercise and what I've been guided to do: write about his "only love."

The July blue moon is approaching and after that will soon be my birthday. I met James on my birthday which was also a blue moon; I refuse to have my birthday be a sad day because it reminds me of my twin. I must shift this to a place of warmth and gratitude for meeting the most amazing person in my life on the day I turned 40. James truly is an angel and you won't ever find me saying otherwise.

So help me out here. Help me stay on track. I don't want to talk about the mirroring anymore. My learning has all been described over the last 260 posts (God am I long-winded!) Now I want to make my twin real again, share his heart. I want to share LOVE. He is love. So am I. We all are.

My James is adorable in every way but what I love most about him is how he cherished me fully and knows my worth. How he showed me nothing but respect. He was interested in knowing anything and everything about me from the first moment we connected online. I've explained before how we met but I will refresh although it's a bit embarrassing to admit now, especially after how much I've grown and healed in the past two years. I'm not the same woman I was then. I'm stronger and way more fearless.

Before I met James I was divorcing and fell deeply in love with a married man who lives about an hour's drive from me.  I knew this man, K, for about a year pre-James.  It's a long story that does not need to be explained but I know that K is a soul mate.  K was very difficult for me to let go of.  I honestly did love him a lot.  In the end after multiple times of "ending" things I finally did end the relationship will full intention of never seeing him again.  I can say I never have since that point. After our last time together I did a tarot card reading for myself that explained my attraction to him would end up being my demise, like an addiction even though he is not a bad person.  He is a married man and being in love with him was slowly killing me.  I did my best to listen and I let him go with love.

A few weeks later I was antsy.  I wondered about him but I did not want to make contact.  I also knew I did not want to run off and find someone else.  I told God very vehemently that I would never be with another married man, or a man who was separated from his wife, or a man who was just newly out of a marriage.  I wanted a healed whole man who was ready for love.  As the universe or Higher Self or God or whoever does, after that I met a man separated from his wife and had to make the choice to ONLY be his friend, nothing more.  And my neighbor was interested in me but he was just out of a bad marriage and I didn't want to get involved there, kind of like shitting where you eat when you date a neighbor anyway.  He is cute though and it was tempting but I was trying to keep my romantic life straight at this point.

Well thinking of K got the best of me so I did something entirely passive aggressive.  I created an on-line personal ad that I knew he would see.  I wanted him to know I was doing fine and moving on. And I knew he'd pick up my energy from the ad.  I knew he'd recognize me.

I won't lie.  I probably also wanted to find someone new to talk to.  Hey- I was SINGLE and free for the first time ever in my whole life.  I'd finally ended this ongoing gut-wrenching relationship with a man I could never call my own.  A man who would come see me, spend time with me, and then I'd have to say goodbye knowing he'd never stay the night with me, never be my husband- and I really loved K a ton.  Enough that I told him to PLEASE make it work with his wife.  To get counseling. To stay faithful to her or leave her and be happy with another person in his future. I prayed for them both.  I asked God's forgiveness in loving a man who was married to someone else.  I wanted them to be happy together; I wanted nothing more than his happiness.  It was a very trying experience, one I will never repeat.  I'd been married for ten years prior to that to a man who paid little attention to me. It was a lonely marriage.  I was ready to talk to someone nice.

So I posted the ad.  In it I stressed that I was looking more for a friend, to start very slowly.  I specified that I was not interested in "friends with benefits" or quick sex, and I wasn't.  I wanted someone I could talk to, get to know as a friend first.  I was feeling very protective of myself and I needed to be totally transparent in this ad that anyone looking to get laid was not going to find it with me.  I'd made some painful choices in the past with men and did not want to repeat them with anyone new.  Slowwwww was what I was looking for.  I said I was empathetic and was looking for the same. I explained that I am a mother and my child is my priority but that I was hoping to meet someone nice.  Overall it was a bit of a Pollyanna ad and I was not expecting much but I got a slew of men who responded.

It showed me there are people out there looking for the same.  Some of the responses were really heartfelt, some not so much.  James entitled his response "Empathy."  He was short and sweet in his response and he attached a picture of himself smiling and holding a little white puppy.  He looked very boyish and friendly in his photo and his response was polite so I responded and immediately our connection exploded like wildfire.  We exchanged a slew of emails back and forth that very first day, July 31st, 2013.  He wanted to know all about me.  It was at this time that he told me he was an Atheist and I was like hm,..  Interesting.  I'd never known an Atheist before.  A person who did not believe in God?  Didn't like, you know, everyone worth his salt believe in GOD?  Like how could this seemingly sweet and interesting man not believe in God?  Was I going to keep talking to him?

If you've read through my blog you will find that I've had to work through a lot of issues about God, religion, Christianity, all the "rules" and guilt, shame, sin and evil.  I also had some issues with the Jesus story because I could not handle this idea that Jesus died for us because we are all born so bad. I'd already been through spiritual boot camp months prior to this, all about losing my fears concerning spirituality, leaving religion behind while embracing a LOVING God- not a punisher. Not God the disciplinarian, and I had only recently been able to let go of most of my fears concerning my spiritual guidance.  I always felt like my guidance was out to trick me into learning, like it was all only "tough love" and divine pain.  I associated my guidance with the parents of my youth,  So being taught from above was kind of scary to me, and I expected pain from it, not kindness.  For a while I was very scared of my guidance.

And then as I was still healing from all of this {remember FAST TRACK here!} I met, drum roll please, an Atheist.  Of all things.  Here I am, a woman who thought she was talking to Arch Angel Michael, who used a pendulum to talk to angels and spirits, talking to an Atheist.  I did wonder why, and when he emailed and said he was an Atheist I wrote back and told him about the angel stuff and being a believer and he cracked a few jokes but was overall totally okay with it.  He joked about Zeus, etc, but see he had no idea of my beliefs and I believe in God much differently than most people.  We had some banter and I was totally open with him about myself and my beliefs.  Funny how at THAT point I was not scared at all to be judged.  I did not fear him at all.  I was confident in sharing my thoughts, sure of myself, excited, happy, etc.  And James loved it.  He'd write and ask me tons of questions about myself and then ask me to ask him stuff.  He wanted to know all about me.

I love writing... can you tell???  I am in love with the English language, especially in written form.  Oh I am a good talker too, ha, but I love to read and write.  And a man who can communicate well through writing always does it for me, and he can.  He is expressive, intelligent and has heart.  This comes across in his emails.  He is also funny and vivacious and this was clearly evident as well- he made me laugh immediately with his wit and charm.  In a word, I was hooked.  Totally hooked.  By the end of July 31st, 2013 this man had me totally hooked on his mischievously adorable personality and how he was so easy to talk to, so open and willing to share.  

He made me smile.

I could feel in his energy his eagerness to know me better.  Some men act all standoffish, like it's not cool to seem too interested.  James?  LOL!  Totally opposite.  I imagined him on his end of the line like a happy exuberant shaky puppy.  Wired, energized and very enthusiastic.  There was nothing subdued about him.  No holding back.  No putting on some fake persona of "I have to act like I don't really care."  All he did was care, and care a lot.

He told me he was a scientist, a Geologist who worked at the museum.  He'd lived in California for quite some years but had moved back to Indiana, where he grew up, 18 months earlier.  He described his love of science, his adoration of the universe.  He said he was "spiritual" in his own way and totally in awe of the cosmos.  Talking to him was like talking to the male version of myself.

He took my strong belief and connection with the divine in stride.  I remember signing off that first time we connected online wondering if he'd fizzle out or be one who kept in contact.  I remember being VERY very V-E-R-Y interested and hoping to talk to him more.  I prayed he'd keep in contact, and he did.  As a matter of fact we may have talked on the phone that very night.

It was on that first day where I mentioned that I would be turning 40 very soon.  He wrote and said, "Oh yeah me too.  My birthday is August 21st... when is yours?"  I told him it was the 20th and he asked me where I was born and we realized we were born in the same hospital at the same time and would both be turning 40.  I SO wish I could go back to then and take my love-blinders off and scream in my own ear "Hey girl- pay attention to the signs.  This one is important..." but alas.  I did enjoy the ride while it was happening.  I enjoyed thoroughly talking to James and learning about him. Throughout our entire time together he was always 110% communicative.  Always.  He was seriously always perfect about returning my emails or texting or calling, always calling.  Never one time did he skip on responding, and he did so quickly.  Not that I expected him to be up my ass all the time but he was conscious and respectful of keeping up good strong communication.

He was always very conscientious and aware of my feelings at all times and this includes never wanting to make me wait or agonize over whether or not he was going to respond.  He's just naturally a thoughtful man.

I'll end this post now.  It feels good to remember my James.  He started off as "just" a new person I was talking to, and then he turned into my sweet boyfriend... and then it was revealed to me later that he is my "soul twin."  Sometimes this journey with him can be exhausting but I adore him.  He means the world to me and no matter what is happening between us right now, no one and nothing can take that away from me.  I cherish him with my entire being.  He is very special to me.  I hold him close to my heart.

And Again

Well you've already seen this a few times on my blog.  That point where I say "I'm not really doing what I've been guided to do."  I have this addictive trait where I MUST discuss this experience and in doing so it is a detriment to myself because I am somehow keeping it spiraled into going nowhere.

I ask myself why are we still separated?  I can't believe we are not back together yet.  I don't like it.  I have to be honest here- I don't care about the spirituality of it all.  I don't care about achieving unconditional love for all and yada yada yada that "they" say comes from being in a twin soul union. At this point I don't know exactly why I am going through this, and I don't know why anyone else is. I'd like to think it boils down to LOVE.  L-O-V-E.  But that does not mean people don't piss me off. Or that I don't have heartache.  And I don't want to worry about any of it.  I just want to be little ole' me.

So I am going to try and regroup here, try to reign it wayyyy in.  I am not here to convince anyone about their unions.  I have shared my experience to the best of my ability.  I've made a lot of fear-based choices that I KNOW have put space and silence between me and my twin.  I also know some people out there think I am giving him a ticket to ride, writing off his "badness," and that I am blind to my twin's own problems, issues, etc., and that I blame myself.  You are free to have your opinion. I am not here to defend my truth to YOU.  You can thinking whatever you'd like to.  I am here to defend my truth to myself.

In trying to regroup I am taking my union back down to two points.  1) My twin soul has been in my life to love me and to help me heal by being my mirror.  He will do whatever is necessary to clear me of my fears and ego so I can shift higher and Awaken- that is his role in our mission with each other. 2) My role in our mission is to love myself and love him through my healing.  I am meant to believe in him.  I am meant to love myself but as his twin soul I am meant to believe in him, trust him and defend him while he plays his role in being my mirror.  So I am taking my experience back down to those two points so I can concentrate on them.

I want to reunite with James.  I miss him terribly.  I do not blame him.  I only miss him.  I wish I could go back to when we were dating and instead of fearing that he might leave me one day I wish I would cherished our relationship.  I wish I would have been joyful and fully en-joyed being with him, I wish I would have simply appreciated having such a gift of a man in my life.  Maybe then I would have kept the energy more in love than fear.  But I did not do this.  I did not know how.

My guidance has told me a million times to only concentrate on the love he has for me.  To write out the fond memories.  To bring his heart close to me over and over.  I tend to resist this for some reason.  I am not sure why.  I do know I am a bit of a drama-queen in that I love having an audience so I will write some of my memories here.  They will be a bit repetetive but that's okay.  This is my blog so I can write whatever I'd like to.

I hope up to this point my journey has helped some of you believe more in your experience.  I hope it has eased your mind and let you know that you are not alone.  We may not be walking the same exact paths or have the same issues to work through.  What works for me or is truth for me might not be for you but at least we all know that we are guided and this is a divine experience, way beyond our full human comprehension.

Love will be my main concentration for a while.  I like to write here so I will.  I hope, if you continue to read on, that hearing about my lovely twin soul and re-learning how we met and all he did for me entertains you.  It is a sweet story.  Our relationship was perfect and is nice to share.  With so much pain and madness in the world sharing a story of love is a refreshingly sweet break.

TTFN

Jennifer

Perseverance

Right now there is a lot of chaos on the web concerning twin souls.  Many people are jumping off the train that's for sure.  I am not judging them at all.  It is not an easy path.  To most it would appear that the twin soul is simply ignoring and disregarding, like we are being abused by another person.  I can totally appreciate that point of view because it can seem that way if one is being blind to the mirror effect.  For me though it's been so thoroughly shown to me that in this *specific* connection I have with James he has to show my my fears by being my mirror.  In any other case if another person was treating me in a similar manner then I'd end the relationship.  But what is key to understand is I can clearly see what James has shown me!  The cause and effect is too strong to deny or ignore.  I cannot overlook it.  Believe me if I could NOT see the cause and effect then I would have left this situation a longggg time ago.  Dear Readers I have left two marriages, my decision. Both men did not want me to leave but I could no longer tolerate their shit so I left, and one was with a two year-old son so it was really scary and hard.  I had to take on a home and life all on my own but I did it because I no longer wanted to be treated with disrespect.  So please do not think for a moment that I am the type of woman to be pushed around, bowled over or have the wool pulled over my eyes. My bullshit tolerance is very very low these days!  If I person is abusing me or not being good to me or treating me badly then I will pray for them, send them love and LEAVE the situation.  There is nothing wrong with severing a connection with another human being if things are not working out. It's a free will choice, and endings can come in peace with love.

In my union with James there are a few reasons why I am staying and sticking this out and trying so hard and having faith in our reunion when 99.9% of other people would have bolted into another relationship already.  The main reason is I totally 100% believe that James loved me, has loved me and still does love me but I forced him away with my fears since he is my energetic mirror so he knew my secretly hidden fears and had to show them to me.  Eegads I found an email I wrote to my mentor and friend when James and I were dating.  *deep sigh*  I wrote all about how scared I was that he'd leave me one day.  I wrote about how my fears of being easily forgotten were coming up, how I was afraid he'd leave me for California.  I wrote that when he would leave to go home in the evenings I'd feel terrible sorrow like he might leave me forever.  I basically MANIFESTED every single God damn thing that happened to me with James.  Poor guy- he tried so hard to change the outcome and nothing he did could ease my fears.  So I am still here working on this because I feel he did not want to leave.  He actually wanted to stay with me and it would be wrong of me not to give this my all to allow him back to me.

Another reason is because my guidance has told me it is important.  The Hopi tribe spoke of the time of a great shift.  The Mayans spoke of it.  It was supposed to happen with December 21, 2012 and I met my twin soul soon afterwards and many other people are too.  I believe it has something to do with an energetic shift, bigger than just a "relationship," and I do believe that the love we share is beyond human comprehension, and it is more than just a romantic interlude.  It is meant to be fought for and resilience is necessary.  It's not all about finding a mate to spend time with and date and have great even loving sex with.  It is not ALL about a harmonious union with another compatible and fun person.  I could probably manifest myself another sweet lover but I don't want one.  I have been guided to stick this out with James and I am doing my best.  Something tells me it is more than just for "love."  Love is a huge part of it but it's a love that illuminates for miles; it's a love that creates a shift for the masses- not just so I can have a nice boyfriend.  This is another reason why I have not yet ran off and found another man.  It might not be easy but not things easy are as good as those things worth fighting for.  So when I read things where twin souls are saying, "Get rid of that nasty twin soul and find yourself a sweet loving man who will respect you!" I guess it upsets me because they don't WANT to do what they have to do for us.  It makes me feel badly for the twin who has to leave because they don't want to be hurtful.  This is why we are meant to love them- so even if you move on please don't forget to love the twin soul who is sacrificing to help you.  I do believe they leave us when they don't really want to {and then when we go off to love someone else they get to stay behind and watch from afar, and it probably hurts even if it is soul-based.  I know my James does not want to share me.}

So... I love him.  A lot.  And when you love a person like I love James then you give it your all and then some.  You overlook fears.  You BELIEVE for once in your life in something bigger.  You have faith even when it's scary, even when there is no guarantee that the happy ending you desire will ultimately come true.  You take the fucking chance anyway and hope and pray for the best.  I would rather try to the absolute best of my ability and chance getting disappointed in the end instead of not trying at all just to avoid the possibility of pain but never having the opportunity for success either.  If I do not try then how will I ever know???

Miracles DO happen, all the time.  He referring to me as his girlfriend after we'd already been *inexplicably* separated for five months was a freaking miracle.  I've experienced a bunch of miraculous exchanges with him already and could easily create more if I try.  But I have to TRY and have faith in order for that to even have the possibility of happening.  

So when other twin souls get upset and offended and say, "I am tired of this person ignoring me and not loving me the way I deserve to be loved!" I see that as there is something inside of them that the twin is showing them but they are refusing to see it, and that is their choice.  It is not an easy process to accept.  I am not going to lie and say it is.  Thing with James is the more I sit here and think, "Oh he's just ignoring me, what a jackass!" then he's going to play that role even more deeply: he has to because I just scripted it for him.  Same with me writing to him and trying to convince him that we are meant to be together or that he loves me.  That would backfire because in doing so I am actually saying "You don't want me" and then he has to show me that he does not want me.  Negotiating, manipulating, convincing- none of that can happen in a twin soul union.

It's a very strange and vicious circle but I see it with him.  I recognize it when I never really saw it in any other relationship I had.  Like my ex-husband.  He was not my mirror.  I had absolutely NO fear that my ex did not love me!  None at all.  My ex just acted like an overgrown party boy who did not want to grow up and it helped to ruin our marriage.  That was not some reflection of me.  I'd be able to look back and see it.  I CAN say that in the end I think he said some really obnoxious and ridiculous shit that was "orchestrated" to push me further out of the marriage because it needed to end- but a "twin soul" or full mirror he was not, at all.  Only James has been the one who knows my inner when no one else has.  He knows every single thing about me and it's... strange but also a relief in a way.

So right now people in the twin soul community are starting to get really upset about the idea of twin souls.  Twin souls are becoming the villains all of a sudden, and it's really sad to me when I see it from the perspective of my James.  He offered via soul to help me overcome my fears by forcing me to see them enacted by him as if they were real.  And if I hate him for it- that's just sad.  Imagine him left out there in the cold wishing I'd remember him, wishing I'd realize that he's just faking it because he has to, because he promised me he would.  I just cannot do that to him.

Another thing about all this is the matter of TRUTH.  Love=Truth.  Fear=Lies.  Fear is an illusion, not true.  Only love is truth.  So follow me here.  James loves me and that is truth.  He does not have to fake his love for me- it just is.  He is meant to love me.  The strong intense love he showed me is truth.  Then later the cold unnatural unfeeling acting like he does not want me- that is an illusion. Basically how I see it is he has to fake it,  He still really loves me but it is his role to show me my fears, to reflect them back to me, so then he has to act like he does not care for me.  And he has to stay very quiet.  I believe that both things suck for him, staying quiet and away from me as well as having to act cold to someone he adores.

I've really had to work this out in my mind, ponder it all, in order to accept it.  And here is the thing- LOVE cannot be faked.  If someone brought me a man I was not attracted to in a romantic intimate manner and told me, "You must pretend to love this man, spend hours communicating with him, act head over heels in love with him, kiss him for hours on end, breathe in the air he exhales, strip down naked with him and make enthusiastic love with him," there is no damn way.  Even Jason, a man I once loved and was immensely attracted to, right now if he came to me I could not force myself to be intimate with him, not like James was with me.  It takes true love to do all that.  If I had to fake loving someone in order to save him then I'd fail because love like that can only be genuine.  BUT, but, if I was totally in love with someone, head over heels, and I was told from above, "You are going to have to treat this person cold now and instill fear into him in order to help heal him, and this is your job from God in order to save him in the long run..." well I would be able to do it if I really loved him enough to sacrifice in order to help him heal.  And it would suck.  I know because I did it with James after we separated.  I had that experience already and it was horrid. My guidance told me I had to be cold to him, send him a harsh message, in order to "wake him up" and it was all orchestrated to show me what James is going through now.  I listened to my guidance. I sent the shitty message to him and he received it.  In the end it all came out in the wash because none of it was real.  It was an illusion and it was forgotten, totally let go as if it never existed.  At the time though I cried my eyes out when I sent it because I was so so sad.  I did not want to hurt my love but I sent it anyway because my intention was to shake him up, guided from above.  Remember nothing about my experience has been "normal."

My point though is I COULD fake the coldness and lack of love if I HAD to.  It would not be fun though.  It's brutal to have to hurt the one you love.  It is similar to having to be really stern and disciplinary with our children when all we really want to do is love them and lavish them with goodies but when they are lighting off fireworks in the house then the Big Guns gotta come out and the whoop ass must be opened because they could blow their hands off or burn the house down.  And it never feels good to have to "discipline" a child or make a child feel the result of a bad choice. Tough love can feel bad for the one on the giving end, just as bad as the one receiving it.  It sucks the life out of you to "hurt" someone you care about or cause fear when all you want to do is offer love and affection.  I know this is how it's been for James.  He does not want to do it, and I really think it hurts him to scare me.  He does not want me to be scared of him, and he hopes I will believe in him,

But to fake LOVE?  Nope.  Not possible.  Not like the love James has for me.  The love is Truth. That is for certain.  Those kisses, mmmmm... those kisses are very very real, and very very true. Such passion. Intense.  Intimate.  And oh so joyful.  Real.  Loving.  Truth.  So I can see how he could fake the shit in order to push me to heal by facing my fears, by being my mirror.  I can see that.  But I can also see how the love is the truth.  Love like that can only be real, there is no other way.

Perseverance.  I'm not going to fall prey to believing his intention towards me is anything less than love.  I will always pray to hear from him, like I am praying right now. I pray that I can shift the energy so he can make his way back to me.  I believe it can happen in a heartbeat.

XXOO

Jen

Memories...

I can't deny that my heart aches.  That heart ache can make me feel a little despairing because I miss James SO much, and I feel in my heart he is the only one who can heal my heart.  I remember James telling me he thought dating around was wrong.  He's faithful to the core and he takes emotions and relationship seriously.  This version of love I've learned from loving him is much different than the version I knew before I met him.  I almost feel like a virgin again in that I can't imagine a "first time" with anyone else, anyone new.  Only "another time" with James.  I was thinking about this this morning, how amazing he is.  How much he wanted ME.

Funny thing about this morning, and it's truly a TMI post, lol.  I woke with him on my mind, as always.  Lyrics from a Chicago song about wishing you were here with me were running through my mind and I could almost feel him.  I had a few minutes *alone* in my room and well, I wanted to "date myself" quickly while thinking of James.  I really think of ONLY him while I touch myself.  Self-pleasure is a way for me to relieve my tension, anxiety and stress especially when I want to cry but in the end when I reach climax I normally cry anyway; it's like my soul longs for him in a way I can't explain.  I do have a high libido and sometimes the need I have for him in the physical is so strong I literally do cry.  Oh the irony.  Normally I don't masturbate in the morning.  I am a single mother who is always short on time in the morning.  This morning I had, oh maybe five minutes allotted to rub one out while thinking of my love.  About half way there my roommate calls up to me, "My son just lit off a firework in your dining room... can you come down here?"

LOL- typical, right?  Welcome to the life of two single mommys living together under the same happily-chaotic roof!  He lit a spinning sparking firework right on my dining room table.  Luckily he did not blow his hand off.  Or burn my house down.  There was smoke everywhere so we opened the windows and everyone was instructed to get dressed.  I made my way back to my room, locked my door and proceeded to finish what I started!  Hey- once my mind is stuck on James' awesomeness there is not much I can do about it.

Fireworks in the living room or not!  Maybe it represented the lack of any fireworks happening in my bedroom since my twin soul left, ha ha ha.

Anyway.  I have some sweet memories of James, even after this separation happened.  This time away from him feels so surreal; it does make me cry.  This is a bit of a traumatic process, you know?  I had this man in my life as my loving caring boyfriend, friend and lover and then he was just gone with little warning, silence.  But little by little as I would accidentally shift my energy or stumble upon some belief he'd come back.  I don't totally understand how or why; I only know he did.  And when he did it was sweet.  He'd be back, my boyfriend.

It's been a while now but we reconnected over the course of a few weeks and I thought we might reunite.  I sure we had but I allowed my fear to derail us again.  But before the fear crept back in entirely we crashed together again, hard.  I opened the door and he RAN through.  He was so happy to be "with" me again.  His energy was like he'd been holding back his emotions and suddenly he was allowed to release them and show them to me again, and he took full advantage.

I had my boyfriend back for a few beautiful weeks.  What a wonderful experience.  And I have to share it here because, well, I have no one else I can tell and I need to remember.  All of it.  Even the naughty bits, especially the naughty bits.  James is SO sweet.  I've said this time and again but he waited for me to be ready for him.  He tread very gently with me, not pushing me for anything besides holding me, holding my hand and kissing me.  He always loved kissing me; he even loved talking about kissing me.  Before we met face to face he was already telling me he could not wait to kiss me!  All throughout this separation he will still talk about how awesome my kisses are and how I am the best kisser ever.  So he'd come over and just kiss me.  We talked on the phone, emailed and text constantly when we were apart so there was no need to talk a lot when he was in my presence.  Instead of talking we... kissed.  And giggled.  And snuggled and nuzzled noses and gazed into each others eyes and touched hands and faces and caressed each arms and legs but all PG-rated body parts.  I don't even think the man touched my boobs for weeks {and I have huge boobs so they are hard to avoid!}  He'd pull me up on his lap with my legs swung over his and kiss me like he was drinking me in.  Deep long kisses.  It was the best most wonderful loving time of my entire life.

Honest to God my memories of James are the best memories of my entire life.  The time I spent with him was the happiest I have ever been, ever.  Hands down.  About ten weeks of pure bliss, heaven on earth.  Everything about him is utter divine perfection.  He'd plan to come see me, and he was always so respectful of me being a mother.  He never once questioned me or commented on needing to come see me.  He never requested that I get a sitter for my son.  He never assumed I'd find a way to get out of the house on a night I had my son.  Instead he always offered to come see me, visit me at my home.  He had no problem with this, never acted like it was boring or like he wanted to be out somewhere.  To James sitting with me talking closely and kissing was plenty.

I was enough for him.  ME.

He'd plan on being over right as I was putting PJ to bed.  It came to where I'd leave the door open for him and he'd just come in and wait until I was done but at first I'd anticipate seeing him pull up in his little black two-door stick shift older model sports car.  And he'd bound across the yard to my door and I'd hear him knock and open the door and there he'd be, standing there with a big smile ready for me to let him in.  He always had some kind of treat or small gift.  *sigh*  SO sweet and thoughtful.  He'd hand me whatever it was he had for me and hug me.  And smile a lot.  He has such a beautiful smile, sparkly.  Big blue glittery eyes, high cheekbones and a lovely smile.  His face is joyful and boyish.  Clean shaven, always.  And short hair that is a tiny bit longer in the very front and he spikes it up, lol.  Like he's in high school still.  I just adore him.  I really REALLY wish back then when my guidance was telling me to be joyful and not worry and just enJOY him that I would have listened!  I wish I would have put more energy into being THANKFUL for this wonderful gift instead of fearing it right out of my life.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

My sweet perfection.  He'd come in, say hi, talk for a moment while we walked to my couch.  And we'd sit down and smile at each other, almost shyly even though we'd spent the days in between seeing each other totally texting, emailing and talking about anything and everything.  But together our energy was explosive, like we almost vibrated in each others presence.  Together all we wanted to do was be kissing and close and inseparable although for a while kissing was enough.  Kissing was what we needed.  Our kisses were euphoric.  After a few moments of chit chat he'd smile really big, reach out with his gentle tender hand to softly cup my face and he'd lean in to kiss me.  And kiss me.  And kiss me.  He'd pull back here and there to smile at me.  Always with that big ole' smile.  Kissing and kissing as we'd melt into each other, leaning back onto the couch and spending the next couple hours totally making out like teen agers together.  So so so so close together.

Bliss.  Honestly- total and complete bliss, my version of heaven on earth is spent sitting on my couch kissing endlessly my twin soul.  My GOD.  My God my memories of him are so bittersweet.  If you are not a twin soul then you won't understand the "pull" and the inability to let go or move on.  If you are a twin soul who is not in runner mode then you will understand how your heart feels like it totally belongs to and with this other person even if you have not heard from him or seen him.  Time and distance do not matter when it comes to a twin soul union.  Memories do.  Heart does.  Truth.

Truth matters.  And truth, Dear Readers, truth aches so much.  Our love is so strong, and we shared it beautifully when he was here with me.  Truth is he loves me and he tried so very hard to get me to believe in and accept his love but I didn't get there.  And he wanted me to.  This is why he'd write at 3AM and tell me things like, "Do you know how much I love you?  I REALLY love you, and I hope you accept my love."  He was attempting to convince me of his sweet honest love.  Do you have any idea how hard all of this is for me now that he has been gone for far too long?  James and I could not stand to be away from each other for three DAYS.  Once he had to be gone for five days and he could not stand it.  And now it's been... a long time.  Way longer than three or five days, and my heart is not whole without him.  My heart left with him and I want him back.

Truth is those sweet kisses.  Those kisses are truth.  Truth of how much he loved sitting there holding me and basking in my presence.  He got nothing out of it besides being close to me, no sexual release- just genuine closeness with me.  He spent weeks driving over to see me after getting home from work in Chicago to just hold me {after bringing me presents} and kiss me and talk to me and laugh with me and BE WITH ME.

He'd get all worked up.  Oh I remember him holding me closely and I could feel how hard he'd be for me.  But only once did his hands ever stray, lol.  One time he let his hand slip under my skirt wayyyy up my thigh and I stopped him.  I can't tell you why I stopped him.  With him I felt like I was 18 years-old again.  I felt shy and fresh and pure and clean and good and that "shyness" and lack of feeling like I needed to be bold or "alluring" and just MYSELF made me need to move very slowly, and he understood.  I gently took his hand and moved it away from my panties and he just smiled against my mouth and later told me he could not promise it would not happen again because he wanted me so badly but that he totally was fine waiting however long it took me to be comfortable going farther.  Forty year-old man who'd been celibate for almost two years, high libido making out with his also forty year-old girlfriend for weeks without asking for more.  Most guys would have at least wanted a hand job but not James.  He kissed me and kissed me for hours and then he'd smile and hug me tightly and say he needed to get home.  And I hated seeing him leave.  His leaving always caused me sorrow and I wish instead it would have brought anticipation of the next time I'd hear from him.

And he never failed to text me as soon as he got home to say goodnight and to thank me for having him over.  He'd tell me again how lucky he was to have me as his adorable beautiful sweet girlfriend.  He'd tell me I was everything he'd asked for and that he loved spending time with me.

I swear to God the guy is perfect and HAS to be an angel.  It's the only explanation.  An ANGEL.  A very strong angel.  No one could be that totally completely perfect and EVERYTHING I'd ever wanted in a man.  Only an angel.  This is why I called him my "Atheist angel."  Little did I know.

Little did I know.

I don't care how long he's been gone or what's transpired between the last time I saw him and now.  All I care about is the love we shared.  All I care about is how I can get this man back into my arms again.  I will not rest or be at peace until he is back and no amount of manifesting or intending is going to make me happy unless I am manifesting James right back into my life.

So last year we briefly reconnected and I had my kissy sweet perfect boyfriend preciously back in my life for a few dream-like weeks.  It was like we were dating again and after about a week he called me and we were on the phone for like three hours.  Then the next night or so it was four hours.  He text me afterwards, "We must love each other- that was a four-hour long phone call.  I hate saying goodbye or goodnight."  And he went on to tell me how much he loves me, how he wants me in his life forever.  And he said he was turned on and needed to see me, asked for a photo.

And we text back and forth about our fantasies.  On the phone he'd said, "Let's talk about when we are married."  And we did talk about our future.  Cuddled up on the phone at 3AM giggling with James talking about how we will grow old and gray together and he told me he'd always take care of me, even when I am old and decrepit... but he said he does not want me wiping his old wrinkly butt.  Ha.  I want nothing more than to grow old with him, and I'd be happy to wipe his old wrinkly butt as long as I could be with him.  So we text about our fantasies.  He wanted to know some of mine.  And he told me some of his.  All so sweet and barely X-rated, and all about just us.  Like he said he wanted to try "double penetration" with me but he added, "Only us though- like you and a toy... are you okay with that?"  He was sure to let me know he only meant US.  He's not one for sharing; he wants me for himself.  He's a protector-type.  Wants to be close and intimate and build a strong relationship together- James always says that he wants to make love to me every night when we are married and that he thinks doing it every night keeps intimacy strong and a couple close, and he is right.  I'd do just about anything to make love to James every night, let me tell you.

So after texting for a bit he told me he needed a pic of my legs.  He loves my legs, lol.  I snapped a quick shot of just my legs stretched out in bed and sent it to him and he acted like he was seventeen again and just got his hands on the new Playboy centerfold.  And his hands on himself, lol.  He was all like "OMG you are so gorgeous I wish I was there to lick every inch of you OMG I need to come to you..." and I cracked up because he is always so enthusiastic about his adoration, love and attraction for me.  And with James his attraction is built upon love and respect for me.  Not lust.  A few minutes later we were still texting and he said, "I need to come again to you.  I'm turned on talking to you.  Please send me another picture where I can see more.  With or without panties."

Well this is where it gets funny and I always have to go back to this moment to remind myself.  Sadly I accidentally deleted all of our sweet text, and I could cry except that I remember them.  They always felt like "him" again.  Much of his written communication to me is mirroring and it does not feel like the man I knew.  These texts do feel like him and his love though.  I sat there in bed thinking, "Holy crap how can I send him a picture of my vag I have not shaved down there in months?  It's like a freaking jungle..." and he text me this, "Have I ever told you I like your hair down there?"

I laughed out loud.  And I should have paid more attention to how he knows me.  That this is not just silliness or me imagining things.  He KNOWS my thoughts, somehow.  So I took a semi-naughty shot and sent it to him and he lost his mind.  He wrote me the textual equivalent of half way choking to death from looking at a naughty shot of his "hot" girlfriend.  He said he was going to make himself come twice in five minutes due to me, and to give him a moment or two to "finish."  LOL.  But his candor is always refreshing, his honesty so genuine, and his affection for me always off the charts when he's able to come back to me.

That's my sweet boyfriend.  Enthusiastic about every bit of our connection whether we are talking about God, science, our love for each other or being naughty together.  After a few moments he wrote back, "I love it and I love you."  And he proceeded to tell me again how much he loved me and wanted me to be with him forever and he wished I was in his arms right then or in his bed so he could go down between my thighs and lick me until I had to call the fire department to pull him off of me.  He's funny.  I miss him, a lot.  No one on earth can compare to my James.  NO ONE.  He loves giving me oral pleasure because he is here to show me that 1) I am loveable, even "down there" and 2) because all he wants to do is make me happy and make me feel good in every way.  We ended up texting for another hour until it was like 4AM.  And he tells me he's horny again and wants a video of me, pleasssseeee... so I told him I would make him a video if he'd talk to me on the phone while he was masturbating so I could talk to him and hear him.

Now I'd never had phone sex with an actual boyfriend before.  I'd wanted our long distance relationship to be where we talked and did Facetime and shared photos and whispered sweet nothings on the phone together like "dating" each other from afar but things "changed" before we got there.  He has the sexiest voice ever.  EVER.  I swear to God the man has a voice that would make a nun get wet just from one single chuckle or "hello."  There were times when talking to him I'd get so wet and horny I'd have to touch myself just a bit... and it's funny to think back now, lol, that he knows exactly what I was doing.  Ha.  This night he said sure- he'd talk to me.  I sent the video and then called him.

And it was sweet.  I know it's "naughty" in a way but honestly it was more like making love together over the phone.  No, it WAS making love from a distance.  OMG it was the hottest and most intimate and sweet experience ever.  Very vulnerable actually.  I talked to him while he did his thing, lol.  And it was very loving actually.  He kept saying my name and whispering "I love you."  All breathless and turned on and missing me dreadfully- I could HEAR the longing in his voice, like "I so need you.  I so need to be with you.  Why aren't you here with me right now?  I want you here with me!" as he kind of half moaned, half whispered my name and told me he loved me while he stroked himself, all worked up from thinking of me and talking to me and being as close as we could from afar.  And I softly said some of his fantasies to him, his biggest one.  It took a lot for me to do that.  And he said, breathless still, "Tell me again," so I did.  And in the end when he was close he moaned my name.  Told me he missed me.  Told me I am exciting and amazing.  I enjoyed making him feel good.  I wished I could be there doing it for him in person but I was still glad to have him with me no matter how far away in distance- his soul was with me.  I am so in love with him and his soul both. 

It was honestly one of the most beautiful loving close expereinces I've had with another human being, as silly as that may sound.  He asked me if I was gonna touch myself too but I told him no, it was for him.  I wanted to make him come, wanted to hear his pleasure.  He loves me so much but I could not shake my fears, even after all that!  We stayed connected for about two more weeks and I let fear get it's fucking grips back into me and he had to slip away again, and I FELT him leave me.  I felt him go!!!

I felt him have to leave me  It was just horrible.  I don't want to concentrate on the sadness though, only on the joy that for a little while I was able to have my sweet boyfriend back in my life.  He referred to himself as my "boyfriend" in one of his emails from back then.  No discussion.  No talks about the quiet or separation or any of the CRAZY fucking shit that had been exchanged via email between us only like a few months prior.  All of that shit was just wiped away and I LET IT BE WIPED AWAY.  I was smart enough, had enough faith, to know it is a miraculous divine process and to let it be, allow it to happen.  I asked him about it though, the word "boyfriend" and he said, "I think of you as my girlfriend" and I will admit that NOTHING on earth felt as good as reading those words- being his girlfriend again.  It is all I want, honest to God.  And I do not care what anyone else thinks of that fact.  It is MY life, my heart.  My dear adorable beloved friend and soul mate.

I know that can happen again, that shift.  I know it.  I know that one day he can pop back through like nothing has happened between us but love, and I will totally allow it to happen.  All I want is my sweet friend and lover back in my life.

Only a person totally fully in love, unconditonal love, with another person can understand what I am feeling right now.  I am overcome, overwhelmed, overflowing with love and adoration for James.  Unabashedly I love him.  Unashamed.  He was SO good to me, better than any other man has ever been besides my little son.  My heart belongs to him.  Always.  I will not rest until I am able to bring him back to me.  I know he is out there waiting for me.  My precious gem.

5 Mistakes that Nearly Cost me my Twin Flame Relationship {Repost}

This is an amazing article that I got from here:

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/q-a/5-mistakes/

Ugh- *sigh*  much of what she shares here is exactly what's been told to me. 


As my Twin Flame and I are now in Union and I have the gift of hindsight on this journey, I decided to share with you the biggest mistakes I made on my own path – things that nearly ruined our relationship.
The following are all stumbling blocks I didn’t even realize were there until I somehow managed to get over them and could look back with clarity to see how close I’d been to derailing the whole connection:
1) Keeping the past on a loop
One of the biggest mistakes I made was that I kept thinking of the past, thinking of old hurt and picturing my Twin Flame with other people. The smallest things could trigger me – a song, or a poem or just seeing someone who reminded me of a certain unhappy situation.
This happened over and over until I learned to stop bringing the past up again – I was shown that the past is gone unless we keep dragging it back. Because the only person who can keep your old hurt alive, is you. And you’re the only one getting hurt. As the Buddha said, it’s like “Drinking poison with the intention of killing someone else.”
The way I finally managed to stop dragging the past up again and again was to clear the energy around the past hurt (to “heal the wound”) and shift my perspective back into love instead of hurt. It’s worked wonders.
Later I was shown by my guides that every time I got back into jealousy and pain, my energy would literally go up like a wall – blocking my Twin Flame out. Once I was willing to open my heart again (really, visualizing and intending the doors to open) I could feel that he had loved me the whole time. My perspective had been completely distorted.
2) Focusing on the negatives
There can be challenging moments on this journey – but there are also beautiful moments, and this is a connection that defies words: It really is a love beyond love. A love that can lift you up and bring you home to yourself – a love that can illuminate your whole life.
The problem is that we human beings have evolved to look for problems everywhere – it’s how our ancestors survived; they had to find the potential source of death before it found them. So often we get into a loop of thinking over and over about all the difficulties and the hurt between our Twin Flame and ourselves.

I was shown how to shift this: by focusing on gratitude and reliving the happy moments rather than the negatives, my connection with my Twin Flame blossomed beyond anything I could ever have imagined.

I started writing down all the fun and positive things that happened with my Twin, and without realizing (I’ve since read the scientific articles that prove this) I was retraining my brain, constructing new neural pathways. Teaching myself to match my energy to positivity and drawing in more of it.

The thing is: if you’re in a loop of negativity, you’re only inviting in more negativity. It’s like being tuned into a radio station with music you can’t stand – unless you change the channel, you won’t hear different music.

3) Waiting for someone else to fix everything
For a long time at the start of this journey I used tarot cards and called psychics looking for predictions for the future, looking for dates and times for when my Twin and I would come together, or for when certain things would happen.
I always felt disappointed when the dates came and nothing had come to pass the way it was “supposed to”. But the more I learned to communicate directly with spirit, the more I was shown that we create our lives ourselves step by step with our Free Will. There is no one else deciding for us. There are cycles of energy, and sometimes we’re given an extra push but there is no pre-written destiny that keeps you locked to it for life.
It’s up to us to set goals and take action to get there. The great news is that we can create anything we desire.

4) Letting other people’s opinions sway me
One of the first things my Twin Flame advised me on this journey was; “do not let yourself be swayed by the mainstream”. I didn’t think it would be a problem, until later on in my journey when I encountered more and more skeptics and naysayers (especially through the internet) and somehow they got in my head, making me question everything (I’m sure you recognize thoughts along the lines of: “Am I just imagining it or exaggerating?”, “Could I be making it all up?” or the worst one “Could I be crazy?”)
The truth is that the Twin Flame journey is such a unique experience full of “supernatural” sensations and phenomena, that anyone who hasn’t experienced it cannot really understand it. Therefore I would always advise you to stay true to yourself and disregard the opinions of anyone who is not taking the journey with you.
Look inside, follow your intuition and don’t let others’ ideas and beliefs interfere. Clearing yourself of others’ energy regularly is an enormous help here – if you have others’ energy floating around in your space it can feel extremely confusing and disheartening. Ultimately, only you know.
5) Not loving myself
We tend to look for love outside of ourselves – for the one person who will give us the love we’ve always wanted. At the same time, we often complain and berate ourselves and pull ourselves down with criticism. Rarely do any human beings feel “good enough” or deserving of the best. Deserving of love, even. And I was no different.
The truth is that love isn’t something others can give you. It’s an energy – you are love. You can make yourself feel love at any given moment by shifting your energy. My Twin has shown me how to do this, and the closer we get to our Twin the more illuminated we become by having our ideal selves mirrored back to us.
Meditating is a huge help in shifting out of any unloving “self talk” we may be running as an automatic monologue in the background of our minds. And if you find meditating a challenge, try guided meditations/creative visualization, as these lead you by the hand by replacing any negative thoughts with positives.
Another thing is to detach slightly from ourselves: try seeing yourself from the outside and treat yourself like you would a dear friend or a child. Take care of yourself, be good to you. It’s seen as “natural” in Western culture to be mean to ourselves, to never be “good enough”. It’s a lie, though.
Forgiving and loving ourselves is essential to being able to accept another’s love. If we don’t feel loveable, we subconsciously sabotage any love others try to give us.
By vibrating at the frequency of love from the inside out, we are in perfect alignment with more and more love from the outside, and in our Twin Flame relationship.


How to avoid making the same mistakes I did: 
The crazy thing is that all of the above are energetic patterns. They’re not a part of who you are, or who I am or even who I was. The truth is that they’re all things we’ve picked up from others around us.
Growing up, if we have parents who believe that the world is a bad place and that we have to be careful, or that “life is hard” and “love hurts”, guess what? We take it on too. We absorb it into ourselves and sooner or later we start to believe that it’s who we are. But it really isn’t.
So who are you?
We can go into our energy field and clear out anything that doesn’t serve us. From depression to jealousy to addictions to anything. Everything is energy. We are energy.  Pure source energy at the core, but nearly always with all kinds of negative, congested beliefs and patterns and energies patched on top of it.
So if there’s something that’s hurting us or holding us back, we can clear it. All we need is to be willing, and to have the right tools.
Bringing the light back
A great way to illustrate it is: Think of a cloudy day at the beach. The sky can look grey and overcast – but the sun is actually shining the whole time! The sun is out in the solar system shining 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s just that the clouds have temporarily obscured it. As soon as the clouds part, the sun can be seen to shine again.
This is how we are. A bright light that often has been dulled by the “clouds” of energy we’ve taken on. When we meet our Twin Flame, everything in the way of that pure bright “sunshine” gets pushed to the fore so we can release it.
Many Twin Flames take this as a sign that the Twin Flames are bad for each other, but it doesn’t have to be that way – with energy tools it’s easy and painless to “clear away the clouds” and allow the inner sunshine to radiate more powerfully than ever.
I believe in you!
I have been in your shoes. I know how hard this can feel. I also know that you can change things around if you’re unhappy, because I have. I had no experience with any of these things but I learned as I went along and now my Twin and I are closer than ever.
You are so much more powerful than you think – I believe in you (even when you might not believe in yourself)! x
Until next time, I’m sending you love and light on your continued journey <3
Cassady x