Ego Death...

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
~ Erica Jong

Isn't that the most beautiful quote?  *sigh*  It makes my heart melt; I am so like Rose from Titanic, "I'll never let go."  Seriously.  This has been one hard wild ride but I am still hanging on.

Short post.  I'm going through the constant cycle of ego-death.  And it does not feel good.  It's been going on for three years while my Higher Will began working to heal my life of FEAR.  My twin soul came to me to work me through what I am thinking is the end of my monster ego wanting to be in the driver's seat... and my ego is loud, obnoxious and likes to drive really fast while I white knuckle it, drug along for the ride.  

Joron is being used as a channel for Spirit.  His actions- the strange almost dark eerie {totally unlike the LOVE I know he truly is} behavior, the "I'm coming home... oh I'm home... but I'm standing you up" and all the rest of the strangeness- has all been, and will continue to, be used to kill my ego.  Facing disappointment but living through it as gracefully as possible {and man is it not easy!} is part of the process.  I know it is.

I can literally feel my ego flare up.  It's terrible, a horrid nasty out of control hateful full of frustration feeling.  And then I can feel it ease up.  Then there is peace until the cycle begins ago- and often his silence is what flares up my ego {even though I know his silence is of Spirit- ego doesn't care.  Ego is just pissed off, hurt and dejected that my Love isn't contacting me.}

So oh yeah.  Ego death.  I wish my ego would just die already.  I can see how it is a process though- pushed any harder and I would not make it through.  Higher Will is orchestrating this process.  Joron is helping me even if it hurts right now.  I know in the end his love will be shown to me again, and yes I realize it is out there right now still.  His love never left; it did not end.  

Love IS everything it is cracked up to be.  I will not run off out of fear.  I'm sticking it out, fighting my fears.  I'm worth getting through this process so I am cleansed, walls knocked down and Light shining brightly, Higher Will strong and ego very very tiny.  And Joron is worth fighting for too, totally.  Again.  I love him so much that it's groan-worthy I know but if there is one thing about me I am not cynical.  We share a true love that is pure and genuine, and I look forward to when I get to see my dear twin soul again, once the roller coaster slows down, rolls to a stop and the ride, this wild ride, is finally over.

I think I'd like to ride a really slow peaceful ferris wheel next, one where I can sit holding my twin's hand while sneaking little kisses and grins:)

Emotional Healing: Truth

Forever I've always had these dreams of driving through water and being overcome by the water while in the car.  In these dreams nothing bad really happens.  In some I would start to become immersed in the water but would then end up flying, no longer in the car.  I have not had one for a while but I did two nights ago.  I dreamed I was in my car with my mother and we came across some water in the road but once we began crossing over it it became super deep, like a lake.  It's a very frightening out-of-control feeling but in this dream we managed control and did not get overtaken.  That is all I remember.  I don't dream a whole lot right now.  My sleep is hard and deep and once in a while I will dream.  In the past I've been a vivid dreamer and now I realize my colorful amazing dreams are given to me by Spirit.  I LOVE dreams and dreaming, and I am good at analyzing my dreams to figure out the message behind them.

Water equates to emotions in dreams.  Odd that I was with my mother in this dream, or maybe not so much odd.  Much of my emotional healing is necessary because of my violent past with the child abuse, and much of it was from my mother although now I can look back and see how she suffered too.  In my dream we made it across fine, together.  I hold no resentment towards my parents who made it through with flying colors.  I am free now to just release it all, pass it over to that White Light like in the picture above.  Cleanse it, release it.  And it feels good to do that.

Along with that is healing the trauma, the triggers and the fear that came along with the years of abuse.  Joron is helping with that.  But what I have found is that for all of my talking, thinking, journaling, blogging and writing on the forum there is still this part of my that wants to think "He just left me."  And that is nonsense.  I know he didn't just stop loving me.  So this is now my challenge, to remember and trust in his love.

I am thinking the only way I can do this is to consistently write out, remember through processing it through words, the love he showed me when he was here, and imagining with vivid clarity that life we have planned once we reunite.  I believe he wants that future.  All through our separation, when we would come together on the phone, he would reflect on when we met and our wonderful time together or else he would talk about all the things he wants to do with me {not to me- although we discussed those things too, lol.}  Cooking together, wine tasting, golfing.  Just being together.

So why do I still get so scared?  This is what I am healing now.  I see it will take some work, and I am up for it.  I might blog it.  I might write it in my journal.  If you want to read any of it I am unlocking the "Fairy Tale" blog and will write of our love there.  This blog is more for sharing with others who might be going through the same thing and they don't need to read all of my love, some of it explicit, smeared all over the page, lol.

I feel much better this I know.  More clear and open.  I spent a calm weekend seeing a movie with a friend and then cleaning my house, doing all the laundry, and making some meals for the week.  That is more clear-headed than I've felt in ages.  My son will be so happy to come home and find his room all fixed up with his "guys" {stuffed animals} arranged neatly for him on his bed, and all of his clothes are cleaned and put away, ready for the start of his second year of pre-school.  I feel good that I feel good.  I do miss my Joron though, and I look forward to when we come together again in love.  But I have to realize that he loves me, always has, and that love never quit. 

I never fully believed the situation when it was happening, when he told me he was choosing to leave me at the drop of a hat without even saying goodbye to me.  Well he did come back and said goodbye but that first day when he got the message about the job in CA.  He was on a plane in an instant.  He could have waited, could have come over like one would have done in a normal situation.  His initial email to me telling me he was leaving me was total utter chaos.  It was not calm.  It pushed all my fear buttons.  He went back and forth, and at one point he even wrote "I'm so glad I'm going to be around California people again."  It beat my heart up!  I remember thinking- WTF is going on here.  He said he hoped we could find a way to be together but then he ended his message with, "It's been great knowing you Rose!"

Then his messages got more frantic when I could not respond {I was training a group of people when I got his message, lol- talk about Spirit using this situation to begin strengthening me!} and he said he needed to hear I love you from me, needed to know I loved him.  And it was all just so weird.  When he got to CA he couldn't talk to me on the phone the first day because he said it hurt too much, asked me to respect his wishes so we just text and spoke the next day.  He was scared to lose me but I told him I was in this- I loved him and wanted a life with him, yet I was terrified.  Two weeks later he was "gone."  Separation occured.  We went from "I can't wait to get you out here to CA- let's look at houses together," to refusing to speak to me.  It is totally ridiculous for me to look back at that and doubt in any way, shape or form that it was not totally Spirit orchestrating our separation in order to heal.  Again I have no idea what his trials may be.  I don't know what he is getting out of this, which buttons are being pushed.  It's funny though, if you think of it, because we are each others mirrors, right?  Most of the time he has showered me with love mixed in with what my guidance calls the "gentle silence."  He is either silent or else he is telling me love.  Only when I must see something I really need to heal, like my inner nasty ego, will he be cold or hit me with some kind of crap through Spirit.  Mostly he mirrors LOVE to me which shows I am love.  He is mirroring my inner state.

So if you look at it from that point of view- I've pretty much always only loved him.  What does that say about him if I am mirroring him?  I've gotten a lot of shit from people on the SF forum, in my real life and even here on my blog for believing he has no real issues he's dealing with.  I've never mirrored any crap to him, never felt the urge to- and if I am not sending him shit then maybe it truly is because I am his mirror and he is pretty clear.  I've never ever worried myself with what his issues are, or why he's acting this way.  ACTING being the key word here, his role. 

That undying love he had is still there- I was just so afraid he didn't love me, so wrapped up in ignoring his love, that the ignoring his love had to be mirrored back to me and it doesn't feel good.  If I am not believing the love he is showing me- how do you think that fear will be mirrored back to me?  Right- his love is pulled away.  He goes silent or dissmissive or apathetic; no more "I love you" little warmth, and he says things to push my buttons like, "I need new friends because these friends are turning into the same ones I had back at home; all we do is golf and drink beer."  UGH!!!  Talk about pushing every single one of my FEAR buttons!  I hated that comment, and that alone shows I have healing to do.  Being a non-priority has been a fear of mine and when he would go silent I'd worry that I was not a prioroty {I'd forget all about the healing and instead worry he was blowing me off} and BOOM he shot that fear right at me.  Ugh- now I'd much rather realize it is all for healing, that he loves me, and leave it at that!

I hope this is all making sense.  They honestly become our fears made manifest.  "Nemesis."  Nemesis is doubt for me.  Doubting his love- and that, man oh man, that doubt, that insecurity, was thrown back in my face so I could heal it, and this was done by him leaving me and shutting me out- forcing me to believe in his love.

We create our own reality through our will.  Whatever we Will is what will be because Higher Will gives us what we ask for.  When I can finally shift this from the Monster Lessons {which I dislike} to "He's always loved me" and concentrate on making the love a reality instead of the cold silence we've had, then the balance will fall back into place because it means I am healing and the soul merge can happen, leading to reunion.

So this is my priority now.  I feel way more at peace, and yes although it is scary with the silence- I know he is definitely my twin soul {and oh how I love him!} and I know he loves me.  I have to dig deep and bring that man, the one I was kissing all over a year ago now, back to me where HE is my reality.  I want to take what I have learned from these last months and have them cemented cellular inside me, the healing never to leave, but the rest I want to forget.  To do this I must concentrate on his love- and YES to all of you LOVE naysayers out there, this means the kissy face, making love, close RELATIONSHIP boyfriend-girlfriend amazing love, divine love {way beyond romantic love} we shared together where when I looked into his eyes I sensed the universe and all the answers to my questions, like he was a pathway, an open door, to my future.  I miss those eyes.  Thankfully I have our videos, and his voicemails, to remind me.  And I have the sound of him from only a few months ago, after a nine week separation, sighing the words "I miss you" into my ear on the phone with such strong feeling that I wanted to reach through and hug him.

We so miss each other.  Fear is being healed in me still.  Writing it out helps {as you can see from my blog lol!}  I think writing it out helps for a lot of us so keep it up, and so will I.  Writing, no matter how you do it- doesn't have to be eloquent or perfect or for anyone else to read- somehow is healing.  It's a purging process.  It leads to emotional healing, and when you write knowing Spirit is with you, guiding you, it releases and brings emotional healing.  I think what it does is if your write your TRUTH instead of your fears {and it's much easier to let fear run amuk in your brain than if you are actually concentrating on getting your words out on paper or in a blog or journal, etc.} then it begins to create your TRUTH instead of letting fearful thoughts run the show.  I hope that makes sense.  Our thoughts often just stream along in the brain all cluttered and chaotic, fearful lies at times.  But when we concentrate and process and actually write out our conscious truth then we are "willing" that truth to become real.

He loves me.  I love me.  God loves me.  We will reunite soon.  <---- there is my truth!

Grace

From Wiki: "Divine grace is a theological term present in many religions. It has been defined as the divine influence which operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify, to inspire virtuous impulses, and to impart strength to endure trial and resist temptation;^[1] and as an individual virtue or excellence of divine origin."

"Fortitude"  That is a word that Spirit has given me in the past recently in an effort to tell me to have strength through my trials.  And oh there have been trials but there have been blessings as well.  I feel like Spirit realizes my trials in life, especially in love, and blesses me, has blessed me in the past, in other ways.  In the past I thought I was just "lucky" but now I absolutely see where God's hand, Higher Will blessing me, was the real truth.

Jenna Forest writes about Twin Souls and she is the BEST out there in my opinion.  I've listened to her classes and read her e-book that is all her channeled guidance.  And I'll tell ya what- everything she writes about is what I've been going through.  And she discusses how twin souls push all our emotional fear buttons to clear us out.  She says that sometimes they can appear mean or even vicious because it presses us to face fear and pain, and that is my situation.  And it is Spirit working through them to heal us.

Disappointment sucks; I was afraid of disappointment, very much so.  Now I am healing that.  It is what "The Dance" is, and only the strong will survive.  I read on SF all the time about how people get disappointed, pissed off at their twin soul and at Spirit, so they decide to run off, get a never lover, and ignore their twin soul.  Well we all DO have free will to make that choice, and while it is not the most comfortable thing in the world to ache for a person who isn't here physically, I am waiting here for Joron because I know this is God's missions for me.  To hold out on temptation and worry while final healing is being completed.  This man has been through the wringer too, and I refuse to give up on him.

When twin souls make promises then don't fulfill them, the pain involved in the disappointment is on PURPOSE but from The Divine, not because the twin soul chooses to be an asshat.  Remember when it comes to a twin he/she is being used as a "Divine instrument of God's healing" and sometimes this healing HURTS.  It hurts, plain and simple.  So did Jesus' crucifixion as he was put to death for being Unconditional Love.  If we can LOVE through our disappointment, if we can still be unconditional love, or learn escalated unconditional love FOR the pain, then we are doing it!  We are letting Spirit kill or quiet ego so LOVE can shine through.

Don't you see?  This is why we have to plow through disappointment, and guys- I did just recently have to face the utter most largest disappointment.  He literally told me he was home.  Here.  Twenty minutes from me.  We had the CRAZIEST strangest communication via email {no phone call of course because I think when it gets this strange there has to be a separation and a phone call just won't work- too personal, too hard for Higher Will to work through him on an entire phone call- it's a planned distance to keep it via email.}  For the record I've had Joron say things to me I don't like on the phone as Spirit speaks through him, and I'd much rather have it via email instead of from his sweet voice!  He ended up telling me he wanted to meet me, make love with me, make a baby with me like we had discussed.  And I got stood up.  I was ignored.  And when I didn't listen to my Higher Will he reached out via email on his last day here and hit me hard with something I didn't want to hear... it's tough love through and through and I don't LIKE it but I accept it as part of my healing process.

I am sad.  But before I was MAD.  Back in March when we went through this I lost my freaking mind.  I mother fucked God, Joron and my guidance for weeks inside me.  I would have these violently mean conversations with Joron in my head where I would just tell him the meanest shit.  And a psychic warned me that he could hear everything I think, and my guidance said "inner words wound" but it took me finally hating inner so much, drinking and smoking one weekend and feeling like I wanted to backslide into my old really self-destructive ways {hating myself and life in general} to where Spirit kicked my ass into shape in a heartbeat using Joron as a channel to show me my inner vile.  And it sucked.  And it humbled me like I needed.

I don't love the silence or the harsh messages from Spirit channeled through this man I adore.  But I appreciate the healing.  I don't like that I was told he was home {I still don't know for sure if he was here for real of if Spirit wanted me to think he was here} and then not see him.  Um- it breaks my heart actually.  I am SO sad because I ache to wrap my arms around my poor weary twin soul who I know must feel as I do.  If he was home and was pushed inner not to see me when I know he's wanted to for months then I feel terrible for my sweet twin soul too, neither one of us are feeling great through this silence.  We so badly need to just hug each other, love each other in our own special way, but I am not ANGRY like I was before.  That inner shit isn't in me.  I understand it was for a purpose, to seriously kill my ego.  Jenna talks about this on page 21 of her ebook, and when I recently re-read it I totally read myself and my situation there.

She writes, "There is nothing wrong with disappointment so long as it leads you to healing, always healing, do you see?  So being willing to participate in the emotional clearing will keep you moving towards the soul merge.  As each emotional trigger {hurt} happens you have a CHOICE of how to respond to that trigger.  The pain often forces you to begin searching for answers to ease your pain and also the understand the pain and how it relates to your soul."

That, right there, explains "The Dance" that twin souls go through.  This exquisite and unique dance begins slow with an email that says "Say hi tomorrow" and then nothing comes for weeks.  Then it grows to a loving three-hour long phone call that also is followed with surreal silence.  And then it escalates, once the twin who is like me, on the receiving end of "The Dance" grows in strength until the harsh stuff comes, the tough love, the coldness channeled through the twin.  And then large disappointment can happen, hopes crushed.  And FAITH is expected from us.  Faith and constant unconditional love.

But many don't seem to be able to achieve this, overcoming disappointment, and I know it is hard. It feels like divine trickery but it is not.  I know in my heart, even when I have my own fears, that God loves me and he WILL fulfill the promise he has made me as long as I stay faithful and true.  I can be weak.  I can cry.  I can get mad.  And God will continue to heal me of these things, the fear and pain.  But I love hard.  Always love hard, and my EGO {Easing God Out} is so much quieter.  Spirit has helped me achieve an internal sense of calm and surrender that I didn't believe I could ever achieve.  It is a marvelous blessing.  I MISS Joron.  I adore him!  But I also know his love for me is a reflection of God's love, of my Higher Will residing inside the body of this perfect man, made for me, who is in my life to help Higher Will heal and clear me.

How could I ever walk away from God's love for me?

It is all God's Grace playing out through the Twin Soul union.  I know it is hard to see this when in the midst of such pain and suffering but it's truth.  I chose to take this last large disappointment and try to learn from it.  I am so happy to say, proud of myself, that I felt no anger towards Joron.  A bit of irritation at Spirit and at the situation, and a lot of confusion at first yet only love for my sweet twin soul.  But I'm understanding more and more the purpose behind it was to kill my ego.  I can't be reunited with my twin soul until my inner is all cleared out.  Whew!  My guidance says I have had a "hefty ego."  It's all my walls that have protected my heart, fear.  Fear if being hurt, abandoned, rejected.  And God is working to knock down my walls.

It truly is God's sweet amazing love, but also a tough love that disciplines us, embodied inside our twin souls.  It can hurt but it is for a purpose.

Love them.  Love yourself.  And when you can't take it another moment do what I do: cry your eyes out, pray hard and just say "I love him.  I can't ever stop loving him."  And be damn gentle on yourself for walking this journey while staying in Love, unconditional love.  You are a Warrior- love yourself like God loves you.  I know this is what is meant for us.

Mirroring Love

I will one day be on the beaches of California kissing my twin soul; this picture could be us.

My twin soul journey has been about love and healing.  I've ignored love for a long time, and I did a great job, stellar, of ignoring Joron's love.  Now this does not mean that I have not or do not love him.  Oh no- I adore him, love every cell in him, every hair on him... every bit of that man I find indescribably loveable.  And he loved me, and loves me, just the same but I ignored that love.  Instead I feared that he didn't love me no matter how often he told me or how much he showed me.  And as was our plan, when I concentrated enough on fear instead of Love BOOM he became the physical manifestation of my fear.  He then went quiet and sent my world into an utter tailspin.

And here I am.  Still loving him entirely.  I've been to Hell and back peeps, and sometimes I feel like I go back to Hell for a visit.  I MISS Joron with everything inside of me.  The more my ego dies the more I love, adore and miss him... and it's killing me inside.  I can't really explain it.  I feel I am finally being emptied of my inner shit and the more empty I am I guess maybe love is moving into those empty places.  But more love means more missing.  I miss my gift.  Although there is no place for regret in a soul journey I can say I wish I would have owned his love when he was in my life.  I wish each of those strangely divinely timed phone conversations we had that I would have just reveled in knowing his love, trusting it, believing it- no matter if we would be plunged into silence the next day.  Instead I FEARED over and over again.  He'd come close, tell me of his love, that he missed me, that he needs me in his life, the I deserve to be treated well now, that he wants to kiss me forever, that he never wants to say goodbye or goodnight... love OOZING from every single word, sigh and OMFG just his overall energy was LOVE and I'd sit there and worry and wonder and plague myself with thoughts of "What the Hell is happening?  Is he tricking me?  Will he disappear again tomorrow?  Is he using me?" when it was blatantly obvious that the man HURTS.  He hurts. 

No I can't say I understand it all.  I can't understand how another human being is used as a human channel for Higher Will to where he will say anything to me that Spirit wants him to.  He will overlook any of my words if Spirit wants him to, and he will forget what he's not meant to remember.  This situation has changed my sense of what is real and what is fiction; truth truly is stranger than fiction.  God/The Divine/The Universe/The Force- whatever you want to label it- it orchestrates my life.  I can now look back over the years and see where Spirit intervened in my life.  It is clear to me that God is strongly strongly evident in the workings of my life.  Still I don't understand how Higher Will, which tells me it is my connection to God, speaks through Joron.  I get stumped and all choked up on how Higher Will orchestrates him to totally "ignore" me, overlook my messages, and "hit" me with... nonsense {shit I really really hate} via email when I am not "listening."  But I guess I don't have to understand it.  I only have to accept it, surrender to it.

Guys, to whoever happens to stumble across this blog post, I. Am. Tired.  Tired.  I miss my twin soul.  I miss his sweet kisses, his glowing face, his soft lips, his glittering eyes, his friendly kind nature, his loving words to me, running my fingers through his hair, cuddling in his arms while talking, gazing at each other until I would shyly look away... I just fucking miss him.  And if I can miss him, totally adore him, after the utter and complete TOTAL fucking BULLSHIT Spirit has channeled through him to me then I'd have to say it's a pretty unconditional love.  My twin soul could gain weight, get sick, lose his job, become destitute- I do not care, I'd love him just the same.  Couldn't walk, couldn't talk- nothing could make me not love him or want him in my life.  After knowing his love, his heart, and seeing how Spirit works through him- I know the real him, and I love that man.  There is nothing Spirit could do to make me not love him, not defend him and I am truly faithful to this union.

But I miss him.  A lot.  It's about all I can write now.  He is kept silent, and it sucks.  Both of our birthdays passed, and remember I met him on my last birthday, with no contact.  I did not email him a happy birthday because I've been shown through Higher Will that it is a moot point, and when I feel Higher Will wants me to not do something 3D and instead concentrate 5D I am trying to listen.  I had good intentions.  I wrote him a letter in my journal but don't think it does not FUCKING break my heart that I didn't sent him a happy birthday email; I'm still human too and I am SAD.  Sad.  I love him and want him back with me.  I don't like being separated from my love.  Yet... there is not much I can do about it when Higher Will is totally in control of our union.

So what am I told?  To write about him with love, to feel his love instead of the lessons that have been given to me.  Many of those lessons have been taught to me through his cold lacking compassion non-kind words, and I hate those words.  I am not to concentrate at all on those words; they are not Joron- they are Higher Will.  Higher Will is the one who sent Joron packing, not Joron's heart.  And I do know this, believe me- the proof has rained down on me but being HUMAN I still ruminate over it when I need to just fully understand and believe in his love.

I am to write of his love, our love, him loving me.  I have to shift the energy balance from IGNORING his love for me to embracing it, writing it out, remembering it, believing in it.  Let go of these last ten months of tough love healing.  But there was also a lot of love mixed in there and I totally ignored the love, only felt the cold.  Only obsessed over his ignoring me even when I knew it was Spirit.  It's ego, I know.

When the lighting struck over my head, almost lighting my ass up, I was writing about us making love.  Ginormous hint.  Before that in response to a message I wrote to him he wrote that I should be writing "romance or some kind of naughty novels."  I write love, romance and passion quite well when I allow myself to feel it, get into the groove.  I know with the lightning strike, with his words of "You should write romance" then telling me I am "like the best girlfriend ever" that I MUST write about our love.

Keep in mind my Higher Will tells me this over and over.  I'm just scared.  It hurts to bring Joron's heart so close.  Remembering his warmth, perfect affection, how well we match and fit together tears my heart to pieces!  He attended my family's Labor Day picnic last year and the thought of being this year, recalling him there with me, eating with me, talking with me, holding my hand by the fire- it is agony.

I have spilled more tears in the last few weeks than I have in the last six months.  My heart feels like butter.  I am empty inside except for love.  Just a pure gut wrenching adoring him missing him loving him aching for him love.  It is a bittersweet blissful pain.  And it is so hard for me to write this but I know his love never changed, never disappeared.  It is still there and he misses me; I think he must be lonely.  I am a good love.  I am his mirror; as sweet as he is- so am I.  A walking ball of love is what I am and he was enamored with me.  It wasn't easy for him to listen, to leave me, and although I don't understand how it happens- I know he is out there loving me.  At night when he climbs into bed he is thinking of me, missing my kisses too.

So I must dive in and simply write about our love, our kisses- that our kisses are missed on both ends.  His song for his life is "Your Kiss Is on My List."  How funny is that?  Coincidence?  I think not.  The song is a total reflection of our situation.

*sigh*  There is not much more for me to say.  He has helped to heal me.  I have tried my best to hold on, to love him through all of the chaos, and it has been chaos.  I understand, appreciate and respect the outcome {healing} but the journey has been HELLISH.  Yet I love him with all my heart, and I am happy that I didn't run, that I listened and was able to see past the "nonsense" and hold his heart close to me.

I write love well.  Time to dig down deep and feel him, write our love.  I'm pretty sure when I write it out, cherish his love instead of ignoring it or fearing it, it will shift the mirror and eventually he will come back to me.  It's all up to Higher Will.  The only thing I can do is listen, try to stay sane, and not cry every tear I have out of my body.  No worries- I am fine.  Taking good care of myself and my son.  Getting my life stuff done but inside, oh inside... my mind, body, heart and soul aches for Joron and his kisses, touch, voice.  I feel like Rose from "Titanic."  Maybe it is melodramatic but I can't see anyone other than my little Atheist Geologist golf-loving adorable twin soul being the one to own my heart.  All I want is him back in my arms again.

And with that it is bed time.  I hope I dream of his sweet kisses.

"You Are Love"

I've always, since the beginning of this twin soul journey, defended the Love, and I still do.  But I will say that a large part of all this has been about being "The Light."  Higher Will says this is about igniting my Light, saving my Light, brightening my Light, and me knowing I am one big ball of shining bright Love Light.  I must know in my heart that I am Light and Love, nothing less.  And this is not easy let me tell you. 

Joron's mission in our union was to kill my "illness" and save my Light.  My mission has been to love him through it... and I've done that pretty much with flying colors.

Oh I have so much I've been through these last few weeks.  The twin soul mirroring has been shown to me HARD CORE.  For example let me share something with you.  I can be a push over.  I have been feeling somewhat responsible still for my ex-husband.  He still has a bunch of his stuff in my house.  I still pay our combined cell phone bill and he never gives me his portion.  He is behind on his child support and I don't have it garnished because I don't want to stress him out.  My twin soul lives in CA and the thought of moving there with my son has always troubled me a bit because my son's dad is here.  It's not a topic I wish to discuss right this moment but I do need to give you a little background for what happened next with Joron.  It took me a while to get my divorce papers finalized even though I was the one who filed; I can be a procrastinator big time.  A few weeks after they were filed Joron sent me an out of place email, "Did you ever get your divorce finalized?  At the time I wasn't sure why he would ask out the blue like that.  Now I think it was Spirit kind of mentioning how long it took me.  So a week or so ago when Joron was supposedly home {I never know with Spirit anymore} it got to be Friday, the night we were to meet, and he hadn't contacted me.  My aunt told me to just go ahead and call him.  What was the harm.  So I did, and I got to hear his sexy sweet little voice on his voicemail because he didn't answer.  I left him a heartfelt message telling him how much I love him and wanted to see him... and I got the shit kicked out of me again.

Oh it gets even better.  Life is just a riot right now.  A little bit later I was on the phone with the same aunt when the call dropped and I knew I had a response from Joron.  Oh did I ever.  *whew*  This was a hard one ladies and gentlemen.  A realllllllyyyy hard one.  He wrote some things that I won't repeat out of respect for the man I love, and he was NOT the one who sent this message to me.  Yes I do believe his fingers typed the keys {and funny because Joron hates emailing on his phone but Spirit seems to do it well through him} but it was our Higher Will working through him.  He said he could not do it, could not be with me, because of my son.  Now this is the same son that I KNOW Joron is just in love with.  I know it.  He said, "I can't deal with his father.  I just don't want to, as in ever."  Funny thing is my son's dad has never been an issue to Joron before.  This was out of the blue. 

Hmmm... something about that bothered me.  My ex?  Spirit has a hard time talking with me about my ex because I've always had a block about him.  I know he acted like a douche but I hate being mean about anyone, and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  But then a few days later my ex showed up at the house to drop off our son after an evening together and he smelled of alcohol.  He is not supposed to drink before being with our son, not supposed to drink around him, and he's not to come to the house after he's been drinking.  I was not a happy camper.  And Joron's message kept troubling me because when they are odd like that it's normally for a reason.  Spirit does not spell everything out for me.  I am made to figure things out on my own, and I am pretty darn tooting sure that when Joron said he does not want to deal with my son's dad his words were mirroring the fact that I refused to deal with him.  I was letting him walk on me, disregard me like he did in our marriage.

So I got that all straightened out.  Had a talk with my son's dad.  His stuff is getting cleaned out of my home.  Our phone bill will be separated, and if he has the money to drink then he has the money to pay child support or else I am garnishing his wages for support.  I care about his welfare but I refuse to constantly get my ass kicked by Spirit for those things I am overlooking in life.

And that's it.  You may not be able to understand when I say this but I am SO in love with Joron it isn't even funny.  I don't completely understand how he is used as a channel but I believe it.  I've watched Spirit speak through my son, and others, enough times that I can literally pick out when it is happening.  I know it happens.  I don't understand what Joron thinks after he writes these things but it's just the strangest experience ever.  I know the man I fell in love with, and I miss him.  So much.  Something about twin souls is totally rare and unexplainable, not of this earth by far.  He has sacrificed his love to help heal me, and it has not been fun for either one of us.

What I am doing through it all is just trying to listen and abide.  It truly gets to a point where not resisting Higher Will is my best bet.  I have a few issues I am working through.  The largest issues is with time and some thinking and letting go- I have released the "monster" Joron of the last ten months and all I can think of, long for and ache over with all my heart is my love.  Yes, my boyfriend.  This mission may be about The Light but I've been told to LOVE him, and I do.  Nothing could make me stop loving him.  Not a "Go fuck yourself" or any of that nonsense because I know it isn't him.  The man with the huge kind heart- he's out there, and he loves me.  And I just adore him.

As my ego is tempered, and oh is it being tempered, the soft pliable love in my heart is growing stronger.  This last time he was actually supposedly home.  I was ignored completely.  I have not heard a word since.  In the past had this happened I would have lost my ever-loving mind.  I would have been so angry at him and Spirit.  But not this time.  I am taking it as it flows.  I know it is for a purpose because I can feel my ego is much much quieter.  I KNOW none of this is due to his choice or a lack of love so I'm not freaking out in fear that he doesn't love me.  I just know Spirit is pushing me, putting me through the fire because all twin souls as they near closer to reunion are tested hard.  I feel I am being pushed and prodded and cleaned out to see how much ego can die.  Is it worth it to me?  Will I give up?  Run off to the arms of another man?  Unlearn my lessons?

In a sheer twist of irony I got a text message today from my first soul mate.  I wrote about him previously; I was VERY much in love with him and he helped begin my transformation.  How funny is this- he moved to my area.  Ha!  I've always said the only person who could even tempt me would be him and now he's like fifteen minutes away and I find that totally hilarious.  We said hello and that was all.  He is married and I... well I am very much in faithful love with my twin soul.  I feel like there is no other man out there for me besides Joron.  I can't explain it but I just love him with everything I have inside of myself.  To be touched or kissed by another is not an option for me.  I am told Joron is my future and I believe this.

I was told that twin souls get tested deeply near the end, and I feel this is truth.  The hardest part for me is I miss my twin soul.  It is not a co-dependent clingy "I'm not whole without him" missing.  It is "I miss the other half of my singular exact energy."  He and I are total mirrors of each other, and I am SO proud and blissful to call Joron my twin soul because if he is my mirror then I am one amazing gal, and really I know I am.  I look at myself, loving, kind and wholesome and I can trust the man that I know he is because I am his mirror too.  And he is jovial, bouncy, smiling, bright and he has very low ego that allows his strong Higher Will to channel through him.  Both of us are good, loving, empathetic and kind people.  He is listening to Spirit.  I am trying very hard to listen and follow as well.  Never before have I loved him with the unconditional deep aching adoration I hold for him in my heart now.  It is a dull ache, always there.  I just love him so so much.

I am tired and need to get to sleep.  I will write more about my feelings and what Spirit has explained to me here soon.  But for now just know- no, the union is not about a "relationship" or just love.  It is about healing and saving Light, killing ego so our Light can shine.  But, at least for me, I am expected to hold on to the love for my twin soul.  I am never to think of him as a monster, never to feel he has any intention behind his nonsense words; they are not him but of Spirit to push me, and I adore my little channel.  I long for the day I can see his bright smiling face again, and I dreadfully miss his sexy adorable voice.  I know all those things sound 3D but I don't care.  I've loved him through all of this, and I will never give up on us.  I know one day he will be my husband.  I pray through and through that the day is soon.

"Lighting Only Hits Once"

This man has saved my life.  That's how I want to start this post.  I'll explain this more later, and in future posts because what I have to share will take more than one long post.  I want to express a few things straight away about my twin soul union.  I have been shown in many many ways that right now, and all through our separation, Joron, for me, is like a walking channel for our Higher Will.  I do believe we share a Higher Will and it is the energy that communicates with me on a daily basis.  I feel he is guided by the same exact energy, and this energy works through him just like my own channeling.  He says things to me that totally echo my guidance, and it's been difficult to grasp and accept but it is true.  I've since learned that {again for me} the silence, strange messages, and promising to come home then never making it or, better even, telling me he is home then ignoring me, is our Higher Will ensuring my ego is getting the shit kicked out of it until ego is very very quiet, demure and sitting in the back of the bus instead of manning the journey.  Our entire relationship right now is surreal but I will say this: I adore him still with all of my heart and every cell of my being.  It's been one wild and at times nightmarish ride but it also, and this is key, has saved my Light and my life.  Higher Will tells me that in this union his mission is to save my Light and ensure it did not dim further or go out entirely {death I take it, getting taken by the darkness} and it is my mission to love him fully throughout the journey, holding on to the truth of who he is {a divine instrument of God's healing} instead of getting scared of the 3D appearance and running off. 

But yes, my adorable little twin soul has saved me from sinking so low that I would end up either with a blade in my hand slitting my wrists one day and oh how effing scary... HOLY SHIT ya'll... talk about a dose of insight.  Eeek.  Oh wow.  Total full-body goosebumps here.  I once wrote a very vivid suicide scene in a story and, *gulp*, the woman's husband who she was told was "gone" but who was still alive though residing in another dimension where he couldn't communicate with her yet she always felt his love still, saved her life right as she was cutting into her wrists.  He could see her through, OMFG, the MIRROR- holy shit!  He could see her only when she was standing in front of a mirror, as she was as she was cutting her wrists.  She had the hot water running and it fogged up the mirror while she was standing at the sink... and as she was cutting he wrote into the mirror from across the dimensions "I love you" and it saved her by stopping her from doing the dirty deed borne of misery and despair.  I wrote this years ago, and my twin soul basically did the same thing for me.  He reached through the dimensions and saved me by making me look in the mirror- and he showed me his love, a love I'd thought was totally gone, which stopped me from eventually killing myself, which I was much closer to doing than I ever realized.

Well now I'm pretty much wiped out after having that realization.  Damn. 

I've had the most incredible and pretty unbelievable few weeks.  Please read along until you hit the lighting strike bit below.  It's actually very divine and shows me clearly that my life is not normal.  I am sharing the continuation of my story as MY story, not as how I see the Twin Soul template.  I think there is a pattern to twin soul unions but all I can do is share my tale and you can take from it what you will.  I have to go back to about two months ago when I last spoke to Joron on the phone in order to recap.  Our conversation ended with me asking him if there was really a future chance for us, a life together, and he said with a smile I could hear, "Yes..."  I said okay, love you and quickly hung up.  That was the last time I spoke with him, and OMG I miss him dreadfully.  Like with all of my heart I miss him.  Like someone took a knife and carved his name into it and the wound stings in a painfully perfect way, never letting me forget his nearness- because his name is literally been etched into my heart.

So what happened after that?  Well I had the debacle of my weekend of drinking, hating and fearing which resulted in Higher Will kicking my ass through Joron with his totally cold, lustful and lacking any emotion e-mails.  Those were not from my baby's heart; they were channeled through our combined Higher Will.

Then things went quiet while I licked my wounds.  Pondered.  Was very much humbled.  I was trying to figure out this journey, wondering how we'd ever come back from this.  It's just so strange yet I can't deny that with every "hit" or every disappointment my ego gets obliterated more and more each time.  And each time I must fight to trust that his love, the "real" love {his heart} from when we talk on the phone and when we dated, is REAL and still burns brightly for me, as brightly as my love burns for him.

Fast forward a few weeks.  I was camping with my son and I prayed hard to hear from Joron, to hear something after the crazy lusty nasty emotionless "nonsense" I'd received from him {that knocked the sobriety and humble pie right into me.}  Joron has very strong desire for me but it is always mixed with a huge dose of love.  Naughty and loving all at once is like heaven for a gal like me but since I always feared I was not loveable, that he didn't love me, what happened is he sent me messages that were lacking in the love and only showed his lust- and  they were frightening.  Spirit's way of ensuring I stopped fearing that he does not love me, by showing me what a lack of love actually looks like.  As we were camping and I prayed, I got a strange "I'm coming home soon and owe it to you to see you" message.  One in which he mentioned "getting a drink" together when it was partially the drinking that got my ass kicked a few weeks prior.  Eventually that ended in "I'm not coming after all due to work but I will be back soon."  I just chuckle but also breathed a sigh of relief... a sigh that showed me just how scared of him I'd actually grown to be through all of the orchestrated messages via Higher Will.  I wasn't ready to see him, and I didn't know what to think or feel really; I've always loved him- but it's been confusing too.

My guidance has been telling me over and over again, pressing me, urging me to write about him with love.  To ignore his "monster" which is Higher Will working through him to hit me with my fears while bringing items to my attention via his strange words.  I was so scared of him when he switched off because his kindness left him.  Yet we'd talk on the phone and he'd be the same man I fell in total head-over-heels in love with.  No one can understand what it is like to talk with my love for hours where he is SO all love again, and then later he's just gone.  You know what it is?  Hell on earth.  A nightmare come true and it fucked with my head and heart pretty badly although this whole time I've tried to listen to my guidance.  So when I was told to really reach in down deep and remember my "gift" and write about him with love, I avoided this and avoided this until FINALLY one day I told myself, "This man is going to have to come back one day.  You don't want to miss him from not listening to Higher Will {my guidance} so just find it in your heart to write about him from the heart."  So one Friday afternoon on my lunch hour I went out to a sweet little area, under a tree near a beautiful pond here on campus.  It is peaceful, serene and I like to write in this area.  It was drizzling but as I was under a tree the shelter kept me dry so I enjoyed the ambiance, nice breeze, cool and pretty, and began writing in my journal.  I wrote to him.  I told him I miss him.  I felt my heart beginning to melt a bit, and my eyes tearing up.  The drizzle was barely registering in the pond but I noticed a small tiny cloud, itsy bitsy, moving over head, like it was settling right over me but there was barely a breeze, no thunder, etc.  I wrote faster telling Joron how I missed our future.  I want our destiny.  This settled into me remembering how beautiful it was to make love to my twin soul... how I never ever want anyone else to share my body besides him, and how we spoke about wanting a child together.  I began really feeling him, seeing him in my mind's eye, above me, making love to me.  I wrote out my dream: making love with Joron with the solid intent to create a baby together {oh be still my beating heart!}  In my mind he was above me, moving inside me, as we gazed into each others eyes.  I could see, and can still see, his baby blues looking deep into my soul... and I began fervently writing in my notebook how I would say to him, "Make a baby with me" while all wrapped around him moving together and loving each other and sharing our DNA- how I want to look into his eyes right at climax, asking him to get me pregnant.

So... I'm ready to write those words, "Make a baby with me," totally feeling him for the first time in a while, my heart opening up and BOOM!!!  A seriously HUGE ginormous explosion of lightning crashed right over my head, and I do mean literally right over my head.  I felt it.  The ignition shook me; my hands were tingling and my head immediately hurt.  My ears were splitting.  I do not exaggerate.  It scared the holy living shit out of me, and I could not ignore the timing.  I swept up my writing and blanket and ran for my car.  In my car I keep a pendulum; I keep one on me at all times now.  My Higher Will told me, oh yeah- don't think it is a coincidence.  Something about finally listening to my Higher Will and really feeling my Beloved's love again was explosive.  And yes I have no doubt the lightning bolt was for me.  There was no other lightning, no thunder, and people on campus were wondering where it came from!  It was out of nowhere, no warning just one big huge boom right as I was ready to tell my love in my head to share his love with me, make a baby together.

It only gets stranger from there.  Prior to this I'd been overcome and written a sweet message to him asking him to come home and see me.  It was loving and kind, telling him we needed to talk and kiss and make love, not sit and have a drink {and I'd already told him I stopped drinking.}  Later on Friday evening while I was at the park with my son I just knew I had a message from Joron, and I did.  It was strange, and it was NOT from "him" but from my Higher Will; I am constantly pushed lately.  The message said he was coming home the following week but he commented on my message and said it "made it harder."  I suppose because I was expressing my emotions for him, and Joron has never once made an issue about me expressing my love.  AND at the end he very specifically said something that got my ire up for a split second.  He said he'd contact me one night and hope I was available to "go for a drink."  Well well well.  I was annoyed for like a minute then took a deep breath and responded nonchalantly- because how does one respond when being pushed by Spirit?  1) Joron knows I am a single mother and can't slip out last minute- he was always very respectful of my mom status and came over all the time to see me. 2) I'd already told him twice I stopped drinking yet here he was pushing the issue on getting a drink.  So odd and not him.

A few days later it got only stranger and believe me when I tell you that in my situation Joron is currently a walking channel for our Higher Will.  I swear I don't even know the last time I actually communicated with the man who stole my heart a year ago.  It has all been Higher Will working through him to kill my ego.  I know I've talked with my Love on the phone, and when he's told me things like "I want to kiss you good night every night and see your face to say I love you every morning" this is truly him- somehow Higher Will turns him back on for a blissful moment and for that time, a few hours, I have my Beloved back.  I miss him so much.

The following Monday I got annoyed and told my guidance "Well I may as well just turn the email off on my phone because I'm tired of checking over and over and he's not contacting me.  If he's going to be home he could at least contact me."  I was feeling pissy and annoyed with my guidance.  I did not turn off my email in the event I heard from him.  I woke to five (5) emails.  They were OFF THE CHARTS strange.

The first time I called a twin soul psychic months ago she told me that her twin soul once told her to go fuck herself.  She was warning me to not take what they say personally.  I remember thinking if my sweet adorable Joron were to ever tell me such I think I'd just die.  Well I didn't.  He emailed me that he was home and hoped to see me.  Then he emailed that he'd hoped to get a "quick response" from me {from someone who takes weeks to respond, ha ha ha the irony is not lost on me} and then he progressed to telling me "I know a girl always has her phone by her" {probably in response to my pissiness towards Spirit the night before in saying I was going to turn off my email} and went on to tell me to lose his contact information, never ever contact him again, and then, drum roll please... he wrote to me to go fuck myself.  You may wonder why in the world The Divine would do such a thing but my guidance has always pushed the envelope with me to desensitize me to FEAR, and this was no exception.  When I can look at those messages, yawn and hit "delete" then it's all good.

Now I only share these things with you so I can drive home just how INSANE all of this is.  None of it is my sweet adorable KIND empathetic dear loving twin soul.  Not the man I knew and loved, the one who planned a play date for me and my son.  Not the same man who is utterly respectful and barely even swears.  No way.  It is totally Higher Will pushing the shit out of me.  Well I calmly responded telling him he needed to come over and see me.  What transpired was the oddest email exchange ever.  It was like I was talking to my Higher Will with Joron as the "channel."  What was happening, I think, is I was being desensitized to the "nonsense" so I could see it for what it really was, fear.  Fear just a wee bit that he really is some "monster" instead of that sweet man I knew which is totally bogus.  The convo began with him poking all my buttons.  Higher Will tussled with all my fears.  We addressed the "it's only attraction" thing and the "I only want to screw you but not talk to you" thing  and the "Let's meet for a drink" thing until my guidance told me NOT to be afraid to talk to him about emotions {I still didn't quite understand what was going on at the time.}  See I was STILL afraid that he doesn't love me and I was being poked with this fear over and over again until I, again, stood up to it.

I had my journal out and I wrote "You always want to hold my hand" and his next message he spoke about wanting to hold my hand.  Then I wrote in my journal about being married, and I called him "My Prince."  In his next email he told me he wanted to make love to me like it was our wedding night and he called me his princess.  Do you see where I am going with this?  Totally not normal, unreal, and not of this dimension.

By the end of the conversation he told me he wanted to come over.  That he loved and adored me and wanted to get my pregnant so my son and me have to go to California and be with him.  I told him I had to go to bed, and he said goodnight-  that he was watching "Game of Thrones" and wanted me to sleep well.  He called me "my future" and asked me to say hello the next day.  We planned to meet that Friday.  He said he was busy for a few nights, was dying to see me, and then... nothing.  I do feel his sweetness near the end was him; he adores me and wants to be with me.  This I know. 

But of course I heard a bunch of nothing.  Nothing.  I was not surprised to be honest with you.  Spirit uses the infernal SILENCE and non-responsiveness to just slay the shit out of my screaming ego.

This entire experience is to push me.  And I mean PUSH me.  My ego is being killed, fast.  I came way too close months back to taking my own life, and before meeting Joron I was drinking way too much, sleeping around, not respecting myself nor being gentle to myself.  I now realize his pushing for us to go get a drink is Spirit's way to kinda reiterate to me not to drink.  Spirit messes with me good, always has.  I must be stronger than I realize, lol.

This is enough for this post.  I will continue in the next one.  Again let me just say- strangest journey ever yet despite the chaos I totally see why I am going through it.  All of this has killed my ego, heightened my resilience and really killed my fears.  I see the world more through unconditional love than ever before, and I would not be here had it not been for falling in love with my Joron.

Higher Self/ Higher Will Truth

 I LOVE this!!!  He once sent me a photo of the universe and told me "You are made of stardust."

This morning I stopped at McDonald's and my card declined.  I just got paid.  Immediately I knew, just like my odd message when getting kicked off the forum, that it was my guidance, Spirit, my soul. I got to work, tapped in and asked, "What now I can't get coffee???"  I was told, "No I just wanted to get your attention..."  And then I was informed of something, told that if I do not do this thing then the ignoring will last forever.  Yippee.  Fun stuff, right?

Well... yesterday marked the day a year ago that I met Joron online.  Today a year ago we spent the entire day emailing each other, getting to know each other.  I still have those messages and I read them over a few days ago.  I was reminded of just how real, honest, genuine, kind, respectful, emotionally-healthy and loving the man is.  He told me he is very empathetic and he loves all people and animals.  Just a stand up guy and I fell for him immediately.

Something about all this has been tussling me recently.  My guidance is my Higher Self, or "Higher Will" as I am told.  I think of it as my soul.  We are each taught by our guidance in unique ways.  My friend who is in a TS union, her guidance calls her "Dear One" and sounds all angelic, has a soft touch.  Mine is very personal.  It uses slang although the vocabulary does sound very "angelic mentor" and a bit Yoda-ish.  But see- it's also very ME.  And it works perfectly with me because it is not very "soft."  I can't have a soft soul or else I'll slack.  One key way I am taught is through fear.  Why?  Because fear IS darkness.  DARKNESS.  And soul wants to rid us of our darkness so soul tries to work us through our fears.  Some of us, like myself, hold on to fear.  How does soul get me to release my fears...

By shoving them right in my face.  For a year my soul told me my fears as if they were real.  "You are a horrible mother!  You forgot to brush his teeth again.  He's going to hate you when he grows up!"  Hurtful, hm?  Yeah well it's what I thought in my head.  "Ohhh you know it was your fault the marriage fell apart, right?  You could have tried harder.  And that affair?  Selfish!  It wasn't of soul, and he didn't care about you one bit.  You are already forgotten!"  Hard I know.  I hit my first rock bottom back then.  The night I was told, "You were weak in your youth.  You could have stopped the abuse but NO you just took it.  And yet you complain like you had it soooo rough"  I finally cracked, screamed and yelled and had a breakdown telling this energy that NO NO NO it was wrong, not true, I didn't cause that fucking abuse and I couldn't stop it- I was only a child, and then a sad scared young adult.  It wasn't my fault.  And I screamed that I was done taking this abuse!

At this time I was already a single mom just getting used to being alone, doing it all myself.  I was not sleeping, was not eating, was heartbroken and losing my mind.  I barely had the energy to bathe and the only thing I did right was mother my child.  All my love and energy went to him while I tried to stay alive through whatever was happening to me.  The only reason why I didn't lose my job is because it was not in my "soul plan" to do so, and I was protected from above.

It was Hell.

After I finally screamed that I would no longer take the abuse {and I was TERRIFIED of guidance back then!  OMG- it's laughable- I felt this strong reverence and total fear of it, like it would crush me like a bug YET I was often insolent too.  Go figure, typical Rosie nature to be a fighter, lol!}  After I screamed and basically had a psychotic break {I almost passed out from fear- my guidance told me to lift my head because I was literally going unconscious from FEAR} this entity, this energy that would poke me in the back for emphasis, said to me, "FINALLY... finally you stand up to me and tell me to stop abusing you.  I was wondering how long you would take my abuse.  You don't like what I tell you?  Why?  It's only what you tell yourself!"  Then it got sad.  This energy said to me, through my terror, "Rosie... I have loved you for eternity and it has killed me to hurt you like this but it is time for you to no longer be taught by pain and abuse."

So.  I was scared.  I ran away from what I thought was a demon {my tough love soul in disguise} ignored my guidance until one day a technology problem, failed email, basically saved my life and I knew then that whatever was guiding me was trying to save me from the self-inflicted Hell of my mind.  A few months later, couldn't stay away, I sat down, picked up my pendulum and said, "I am NOT afraid of you!"  I was told, "Good- you are not supposed to fear me.  I am not your parent.  I am love, and I love you.  Do not revere me.  Do not bow to me.  I am not to be worshiped.  I am your guide, God-energy as are you."

Fast forward two years and here I am.  Twin soul union, constantly seeing this totally strong soul of mine orchestrating my life... and there is something in my mind that has been nagging at me.  My guidance "hits" me with my fear when I am feeling fearful.  It does this so I can see the darkness and stand up to it.  And Joron's cold, eerie messages... they feel like MY soul.  It's like he does to me exactly what my soul does in hitting me with my fears, and I hate it.  It isn't fun but it's effective for me because I am stubborn, had to be to survive my life.  If I was not stubborn I'd be dead.  I have walls though.  And when Joron shows me my fear- it is because he and I do share the very same soul.  I know we do.  It is the most amazing concept but I totally see it now.  This energy that has been trying to clear me up for years is in him as well as me and somehow it works through him to "hit" me with my fear JUST the same way it does via my channeling.

It's ingenious really.  And when we kiss each other?  We are kissing our soul.  It's like I am kissing myself, loving myself, cherishing myself.  And when I fear and resent- it backfires in my face immediately.

I am told what to do with this connection, and I can't avoid it any longer so this will be my last post for a while, until I am done.  I've been called the runner because I am, well, running.  He is not the runner.  The Universe separated us, and then Higher Will turned him off.  With me he is totally orchestrated by our combined Higher Will.  He totally overlooks my emails as if he doesn't even read them... maybe he doesn't even read them.  He forgets stuff he's not supposed to remember.  He says and writes stuff he's supposed to say to me.  The songs I hear- all from Higher Will.  His odd messages- Higher Will.  The silence- Higher Will.  All to make me own truth and face my fears.

I asked about the love.  When I get his love- what is it?  "His heart."

He is my Twin Soul.  We share a soul, and that soul is working through him hardcore to strip me of my fear.  I am told I am not fulfilling my mission... and I don't want to be the stubborn faltering twin so I have to commit now.

Just know, as hard as it is to believe, once you meet your TS- life is no longer what you thought it was.  Soul CONTROLS life at that point.  Do you understand?  None of this free will shit- free will isn't what we think.  I have free will to choose not to listen to my soul, and I do ignore sometimes.  But often, and I don't understand, TS just listen to Higher Will.  Joron does.  No doubt about it.

I love him, and me.  Us, lol.  I'm ready for the next step.  It's time to move forward.