Just Love

I was a bit sad today.  Melancholy.  I miss my Joron yet I block him at times.  I preach but don't always practice said pontification.  I still get scared and because of this I've kept him energetically from me out of fear.  Why?  Mainly because this has been a challenge, this experience.  It's been a challenge to remember who he really is.  I won't deny it, and I see why so many have issues with loving unconditionally.  I can sit here all day and declare "I love him" but then I still let fear tussle with me.

This man has helped to heal me on a soul level.  On a 3D level it appears, wrongly, that he's just "ignoring" me, and that is so not true.  I am not exactly sure what the silence is all about right now.  Maybe that last little bit of fear in me, my inability to strip myself bare and let him back into my heart, is the block.  This is all of Spirit you know.  Spirit knows my every thought, intention, etc.  For example... an old flame came back into my life, vaguely.  He would be SO easy to frolic with.  He wants to see me and keeps speaking of this "epic kiss" we shared years ago.  He and I have never been able to be together although an intense attraction was always there.  He moved back near me, wants to meet for coffee, and I know he's a "test" of sorts.

I don't want that.  He's a decent man, attractive, Italian and suave... but I want more.  I deserve my twin soul.  It would be pointless, total backsliding, fear-based, to run off to the arms of another man.  And so totally wrong.  Ugh just the thought makes me want to scream.  I shudder at the thought actually.  I only want my Joron.  Only.  This union is not of "real life."  It is inter dimensional and transcended.  It will be tested.  Yes we can choose against our Higher Will- this is why we have free will.  I can choose to go against my intuition and dive in to the instant gratification if I want to.

And I would regret it forever.  So just nah.  I'm in this for the long haul.  Joron has been with me energetically every step of the way to show me my path, to be my Light that has guided me out of the darkness.  I still had much to overcome when we met, and oh my GOD was his love a wonderful brief reprieve, his "not normal" Divine perfect love.  Yes I put him on a pedestal, and he deserves to be up there.  I hope he can see me down here waving up at his adorable self.  I adore him.  I want no one other than him.

Has it been easy?  Not really.  It's been terrifying but it is time for me to let these past ten months go.  Like the song, "The cold never bothered me anyway."  The cold is fake, manufactured, not real.  His love is all that is real, and the fact that he is super open to hearing his soul.  He follows his Higher Will, and so do I when I actually listen and abide.  I am trying so hard to abide right now.  It's not always easy, and fear has tried to hold me back but I won't let it.  I refuse to allow the "role" Joron has played for me override who he is in his heart.  I want a future with my Love.  A life together.  I want to move to California with him, be a family, and together Light up the world with our love.  It is possible because we love each other tremendously with a love that is, quite literally, out of this world.

I am sad because I have allowed myself to nearly let my gift slip away.  I miss his kisses.  His warmth, his touch.  I miss communicating openly with my love and I seriously hope this strange energetic "ban" {that I know is somehow blockages} on our contact ends soon.  At the same time Spirit is kind of in charge so I can't push it.  I can contact him, and I probably will because I rarely do.  I will tell him my heart with no luring, no "wiles," and only an honest open heart.  No fear.  I need to let him know that I want him to come back to see me.  I've never once really asked.  I want my Love back.  I am so ready to be done with all of this.  It *is* energy.  It *is* intention, so as a shout out to the Universe at large: he loves me.  He is my future.  We will be married.  We will have a child together.  He will be my son's step father, and we WILL love each other hard, deep, full and forever.  We already DO love each other fully.  Now bring him back, please.  He's told me over and over "I want to see you" and this time- I want to be waiting energetically with wide-open arms.  Please bring him back to me now.

My major lessons are over.  Do you hear me Universe?  I've learned through love relationships over and over and over and over... and I got it.  Loud and clear.  It's D.O.N.E done.  Capital D Done.  Enough already.  No more fear, only love.  I love him.  He is only love to me.  I want nothing more in life than to be reunited with my love.  For us to be apart is tragic because together we can and will Light up the world.  Apart we glow.  Together we will ignite a huge flame of Divine Love and Light.  Please bring him back to me now in all ways.  I know his soul walks the path with me, and I love him for that.  But I miss my boyfriend, my love.  I do.  I am thankful to his kind soul, for his sacrifice.  For his sticking it out all the way to the bitter end.  But I am ready to let it go now, forget that "role," KNOW his love- feel it... and move forward, together and better even than before.  I want how he always says "We will make love every night."  When we do we will truly be "making love."  Creating Love in the world.  Not long ago he said, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever."

I am his, forever.  We are together even now, never have been apart.  Maybe by 3D standards we have but when back in April he told me "I think of you as my girlfriend" that was truth- we stay faithful to the love we have for each other while we go through this process, and that faithful love is a beautiful thing.

I want my twin soul, no I NEED, for him to know that I KNOW and believe and trust in his true love.  I know who he is.  Love with a capital L.  I remember, and I won't let him go.  The nonsense is over now.  No need for it when there is no more fear and a complete understanding of what has happened.  Cause and effect baby.  I fear and he retreats.  I treat myself badly, kill my Light, cave to vices and fear and inner hatred, and out he reaches to hit me with energetic fear... until I have finally seen and can now get it right.  I may have had to learn the same lessons over and over again but SHIT there comes a time where one must throw her stubborn hands in the air and say "Enough is enough already!  I give up!  I surrender!  I will listen now!  I am done... with all this pointing the finger at everyone and everything else, playing the victim card, distrust and disbelief.  Just done with all the nemesis bullshit.  DIE NEMESIS.  You will not beat me so you may as well back the fuck off, give up, leave me {and my twin} the fuck alone!"  I will give my nemesis nothing left to poke me with.  HA!  Take that, asshat-fear.

My nemesis should know that I am gaining a good final grip on all of this so there will only be Love left, nothing more.  ONLY LOVE TO MIRROR.  I am living.  I am going to Disney World with my child.  I am booked to see Mr. Garth Brooks, entertainer extraordinaire.  I love myself, and I live a clean pure life now.  The darkness did not get me; my twin soul made sure of that fact.  I have only joy and bliss in my life.  How does that feel Mr. Nemesis?  Nothing left to reflect back to me but Love.  I've had tons of love mirrored back to me via my twin soul, believe me.  Huge amounts of ooey gooey love but the cold really hit me hard.  It was meant to but now it can thaw.  The cold can melt away- it just does not bother me anymore, so it's useless.  Pointless.  All I feel now is Love and Light and understanding.  I cherish him beyond belief.  No more nemesis.  I will achieve my Hero's Journey, thank you very much.

Oh, and I will travel.  I'll find the cash to do so.  Just FYI.  Next up is a cruise.

And know that I realize I am a fucking Warrior of Love, a fierce Tigress of ass-kicking unconditional love and affection.  There are not many who rock Love like I do, not many, and I am proud to say that.  I have not let go of Love.  Through all of this utter heartbreaking maddening frustrating terrifying chaos I have played the one most important role in my life perfectly well, and that is being a loving mother to my son, and I never caved and ran from my twin soul nor did I ever lash out at him.  I've been as patient as I can while learning my lessons and having inner crap stripped from me.  Am I perfect?  Hell no.  But I try damn hard to protect my Love, especially that of my son and my twin.  Nothing else really matters in my 3D life besides my little man, and I have managed to always love him with all I have, despite my broken heart.  He will never feel the pain, shame or distress that caused me to have to fight this battle, and for that I am eternally grateful.  My son is a walking ball of Love and Light and Joy, and everyone sees it  He glows like his momma does!  This is why he tells me "Mom thanks for making me" and "You are my little sweetie pie" and he busts out all the time with "I love you mom!"  I have listened as well as I could- and I have LOVED all the way through.  I am one strong ball of Love and Light. Now let me attract to myself the blissful life I, we, so divinely deserve.

Please God make this happen for us.  I love you my twin soul, with all my heart- and I know you love me too.  Time to let it all go, everything but the Love that is.

One day my Love will go to Disney World with us, as a family.  Or Disney Land in California.

Ignite Gift: All About Love

*Warning*  This blog post is seriously all about me and my love for my Joron.  If you want to read ramblings where I share what I have learned, or tried to learn, about my journey then you will want to skip over this one and go back and read my prior messages because this is all for the edification of our love.  Many future posts will be like this and NO it's not because I am pining away.  NO it's not because I am pathetically wasting my life loving a man.  NO I am not weak.  NO it's not because I am afraid to tell him directly- I've told him absolutely everything in  my heart with no fear, and yes he's still contacted me since that point where any other man would have run screaming.  I am writing all of this not out of fear or longing or need or a sense that I am not complete without him- I find all of that laughable at this point in my life.  I am a Warrior now- and I write this because I LOVE, and because I fucking WANT to so please keep your comments about my warm overflowing adoration to yourself.  Do I put him on a pedestal?  You bet I do- he helped save my life when no other human being could, and even the Divine tried and had to use Joron to get the job done.  He is a class act in my book.  I also write, lol, because I am told to strongly from above and I think it's time to start listening because energy is very very real and I'd really love to tackle the shit out of my sweet little Atheist Science Trip, kiss his face off, and love up on him till he can't see straight.  *Warning Concluded*

I knew he loved me from the first moment we "met" online via email, and that is coming up to a yearly anniversary here soon.  We met right before the beginning of August, or right at the beginning of August, because he had to be ready as my "gift" for my fortieth birthday.  Yes sometimes it is bittersweet because he's not right here with me but he's shown me so much love, and honestly I cannot with a clear heart not fight for him.  Fight for my Beloved means do what my guidance tells me to which is to write about him with love, about his love, only the love, protect his love, cherish his love, and most of all... the hardest for me is to believe in his love.

I can write all day long about how I love him.  My love for this man is huge.  Before during the silence I would get angry but luckily I had that shit shaken from me a while back.  Now I honestly just love him.  He was every boy I should have dated in high school.  God... so many words to remember that he has spoken to me before we separated and after.  There was the night I was told by my guidance to put the whiskey down, do something creative, listen to good music and think of him.  I didn't want to; I'd kept him at a safe distance, almost kind of running myself.  But I listened to my guidance, turned on some 80s music to remind me of my 80s music-loving twin soul, and made jewelry while I powered up my old phone so I could hear his voice on my voicemail, read his old super-loving text messages, and look at his pictures.  Talk about heartache, lol.  But I talked to him and brought him close to me.  I cried a little.  I battled fear.  I smiled as I remembered our date in Chicago where I took his picture by The Chicago River but he couldn't get too close to the edge due to his fear of heights.  He looks so soft and loving and kind and happy in the picture, just absolutely adorable.  I looked at that picture while "Broken Wings" played and I asked him- is this all for real?  Are you over there feeling me like I am feeling you?  You are everything I've ever wanted.  You are every boy I had a crush on in high school.  You are the man I should have married.  You are my Everything.  There is something about you, baby, so right.  Awesome, loving, pure 80s music suits you perfectly.  I wish you were here with me.

My guidance told me to e-mail him.  Well we were thick in the middle of the "cold" and I was scared.  I definitely am NOT a chaser.  I am fine to sit back and love him from afar.  But I did.  I told him I was thinking of him, and often he didn't answer so I wasn't really expecting anything.  I told him in my mind that I loved him and I fell asleep.  And I dreamed, lol is Spirit funny, of my HUGE 80s hair.  I had huge 80s hair, long and curly loaded up with tons of Aquanet or in the early 90s it was Salon Selectives that smelled like apples.  God I loved that shit, and I adored my big hair!  The next morning I was shocked to find he'd emailed me a few times.  Once to *gulp* tell me he wished he was there with me sitting on my couch kissing me and talking with me.  I almost fainted- he had not been lovey dovey since he retreated from me back in October.  Then he said he was watching 80s music videos and laughing at the big hair, and he said he wanted to see pics of my from the 80s and early 90s with my big hair.

Hm.  Do you have any idea how shocked I was?  He'd also looked for me, wanted to talk on the phone but I had fallen asleep.  I found some pics and sent them off to him.  I asked to see one of him.  He responded and thanked me.  He also so sweetly told I was as beautiful back then as I am now, and see... I was awkward and a social outcast in high school.  I did not date.  I did not go to prom.  Love was always unrequited for me back then, and I got my poor little heart broke over and over again.  Joron seriously is every boy I liked.  I would have had the hugest crush on him.  So it was so cute for him to tell me genuinely that he thought I was beautiful back then.  He also sent me a few pictures of him, and oh was he adorable back then too!  All I could think was, "I wish he would have been my prom date" since no one asked me to prom.  The night that he sent me his pics was a few nights later, and I thought to God "I really wish he'd say 'I love you' again."  One of his pics he sent, the message ended with "Love you."  *sobbing*  No one truly knows the extent of pain and love and fighting so hard to believe in Divine Intervention and pure fucking magic when these twin soul unions happen in life.  I didn't expect him!  I asked for him, my gift, but I did not expect him.  To reach out to The Divine in my mind and have Joron immediately answer me is so out of this 3D "normal" world we know that it just... blew me away.  I wish I would have held on to it more though, cherished it better.  I wish I would have believed more.  I am so tired of doubt.

We had not talked on the phone in absolutely ages but not long after the photo exchange {God I wish he would have been my first kiss although at this point he was my last and I hope to be my next} I was talking with my guidance and I wanted to go to bed.  I was like, "Okay okay come on it's like 11PM and I am about to turn into a pumpkin here so can I please go to sleep now?"  I normally hit the sack kind of early.  Well finally my guidance signed off for the night and as I slipped into bed I peeked at my ipad and saw that I had an e-mail.  It was Joron.  He asked if I was up, and this time I was able to say yes.  Our exchange was hilarious.  He did not believe I was really awake because we'd not talked in a while; I think he may have reached out once or twice before but I was sleeping.  This time he wrote, "Well if you are really awake then call me."  And I did... and it was blissful to hear his voice.  And surreal because it was as if no time had passed, and he loved me just as much then as he did months earlier.  And as we talked the subject of the photos came up and he told me I was so pretty in high school.  I told him that I never dated in high school.  He could not believe it.  I told him yeah, I didn't go to prom either.  He said, "That's a shame.  I so would have taken you to prom!" and the funny thing was- I could hear in his voice that he meant it.

All of our phone conversations were "strange" yet sweet.  I can see now how they were meant to keep us connected, and every time I did something "up" with my energy I'd hear from him, and often those bright points resulted in a phone call.  In the beginning when Joron and I separated it was a huge scary blow.  Then Spirit pushed me to chase when I didn't want to, and it was just utter chaos.  It was disturbing at the time, back in late October.  Shit I told him some crazy stuff, all Spirit-inspired.  I was being shown just how much crap twin souls can work through and still love each other.  Back then all I knew was I seemingly crashed and burned a sweet relationship although Spirit kept telling me it was more than it seemed.  Spirit told me he would poke my fears, and not to believe him.  Well at one point our communication ended.  I refused to write again, and I assumed only Divine Intervention would bring us back together, and that thought was based solely on a blind faith that this man truly did love me despite the insanity.  Our time together had been... well, Divine.  Perfection.  Total love and healing and out of this world bliss.  It was not a love to be walked away from or easily let go.  So when November 17th I posted for the first time in SF and explained my story from a place of faith... and he suddenly wrote to me I was pretty weirded out.  And he did poke my fears.  But along with poking my fears he showed me this vulnerability that was barely disguised.  I feel so bad now looking back.  I wonder what he was thinking?  How did he feel?  At least I knew what was going on.  He really didn't.  He only knew that this woman he had fallen totally in love with somehow... he was able to cut me off for weeks at a time, and then when he finally did reach out to me he was scared.  And in denial, or so it seemed.  And he poked my fears.  But the more I stood up to my fear the more he melted until he told me, "Make me comfortable talking with you again."

It was all so obvious even back then that all of this was playing out like one big stage play.  Roles.  My Joron does not like playing his cold role.  He "wants to love me."  An aside, when we dated, two weeks in he lost it and admitted that he, a scientist, was already falling in love with me and he was a little freaked out about it, and wanted to know if I was scared, lol.  I told him no- I loved him too, and oh did I!  Gah.  I thought he was the sweetest most adorable walking ball of Love I'd ever met- but the intensity did frighten me just a bit.  I didn't trust how perfect he was.  Even with our difference between his Atheism and my belief- we still got along like peanut butter and jelly or peas and carrots or... twin souls who were reuniting after years of being apart.  We spent hours on the phone that night discussing our love.  Every single night he'd text me before sleep saying goodnight, even if we had just talked.  That night though he did something *really* weird that I've never been able to forget because of the very strange energy I felt.  He text me late, it was like 2AM, and he wrote, "I want to love you.  I want to love you."  Not "I love you sleep well!"  No- "I want to love you."  I remember being perplexed and texting back "Then love me."  Now though I think back to then and realize it was a flash forward to now.  I am sure he was telling me back then for now "I want to love you."  Even that first email exchange on 11-17-13 he was asking me to make him feel comfortable again because my doubt and fear keeps him on edge and turned off- he mirrors my fear.  Spirit makes sure this is the case.

We ended up on the phone that night and it was dream-like in so many ways.  First of all I thought I'd never hear from him again but here I was hearing his voice, and it made me melt.  I love his voice.  It is so soft and sexy and alluring and teasing and loving and jovial.  I cherished every word he said, and I missed him so much.  I just wanted him with me so badly... and it was strange.  I kept asking myself, "Is this real?" because the conversation was so strange at first.  I still don't understand how Spirit does it but I felt him go from "off" to "on" while on the phone with me.  At first he tried to tell me it was "only attraction" but since I knew I was not supposed to allow him to poke my fear buttons I told him, and Spirit, very adamantly that I did not believe it.  No way.  And suddenly he was all like, "You are right Rosie!  Remember how we used to discuss science for hours?  I could talk to you about anything!  I just love that about you!"  Ugh- talk about messing with a person's reality.  At one point I said something about him loving me and he said so strongly, "Damn it Rose!  You know I love you!"

*sigh*  Do you see how... confusing the whole twin soul journey is?  I am actually sad for both of us.  This has been such a difficult year.  Fun and loving and so so blissful did it start but my GOD this separation nearly killed me.  I am amazed that I can be here, right now, knowing with a deep inner knowing that Joron did not leave me because of a lack of love.  I always knew it wasn't real.  Even at my most terrified moments I knew that man's love was real, strong and never-ending.  That first phone call began with him telling me we should not even talk because it was only attraction and we had nothing in common {talk about Spirit poking my fears!}  I had to face that fear hardcore.  He said he didn't think he could ever see me again and that I had scared him.  Oddly enough though, and this was one point that made me believe more in all of this, was some of my worst comments to him that Spirit had told me to write, and oh they were BAD, he could not recall, and no he was not drunk.  He never has commented on those things for which I am entirely grateful.  It is like they were wiped from his mind which shows me that twin soul love truly is unconditional- they don't even always remember everything!  By the time the conversation ended he very softly and gently said to me, "Soooo do you want to see me?  I want to see you again.  Do you want to see me?"  I just sighed and told him yes, of course.  I had no fear at that point so I told him {knowing it was all so surreal} that I loved him, wanted to marry him still, wanted him in my life.  I told him all that because I felt we might not talk again for a while, and I was right.

That night he text me but I fell asleep.  He did this weird thing he does right before his energy is pulled from mine.  He writes to me and says, "I'm so sad that you don't love me any more.  You should accept love.  I really do love you."  And BOOM he's gone again.  I've come to realize that those messages are him CLEARLY showing me my fear and disbelief.  When I think "He doesn't love me" then he tells me "I'm so sad you don't love me" {almost like it's my own thoughts being shined right back to me} and then he hits it even harder by telling me "You should accept love."

I can clearly see now, though, just how much he's loved me through all of this, and when his energy is separated from mine and somehow turned down.  Yes it's weird but it is so obvious.  There are many instances of Divine Intervention and orchestration in our journey together.  I really could and will write a novel about all of this in the future but right now I have to get stronger, write out my thoughts, and balance my energy.  In my heart of hearts I know he loves me, and I know he wants to be with me.  Oh... how sad at times this has all been.  I was so scared.  I feel bad for my poor little terrified self.  No one can understand, no one except someone who has been here, can understand what it feels like to have your heaven incarnated into a man just walk away with no looking back.  It screamed out to me, "No!  This can't be true!  It's like my worst fears are turning real!"

Well duh... that is what my twin soul signed up for, to become my fears to show me them so I could face them.  I know we've loved each other in Spirit before.  I don't know about past lives or what we've done together in other lives. I've been told but I don't trust psychics when it comes to the twin soul journey.  I've been tested too much through psychics in order for me to own my own truth and listen to my guidance instead of doubting and seeking elsewhere.  All I know is we met at birth and then were brought back together forty years later to fall in love and then be parted in order for space to be given for healing.  Like the Goddess Psyche- she had to find, lose, search for and fight for the real love in order to find herself.  He is my real love.  I have no doubt about that and I refuse to forget who he is for real.  I also refuse to be ashamed of my love!  I love hard, always have and always will.  I am a walking romance novel, a real life love walking love song.  Too many people these days are so jaded and afraid to love, to dream and hope and I just can't do that.  I can't let him drift away from me without giving it my best shot, and I have not up until this point.  I have drug my feet, been scared, resented inside, and turned to my vices in and effort to hide and blame and ignore fact.  I needed t have my life cleaned up.  Vices like drinking and smoking banished.  Belief cemented, doubt and fears slayed.  And I can't forever feel like every man who loves me will easily leave me and let me go without a fight of his own!  He did not leave me.  I was not jilted.  Soul ensured our separation, and while yes it has hurt it has also helped to heal me.  My Joron, my love, my boyfriend, my twin soul- has helped to heal me!  How amazing and fascinating is that?  And he had to sacrifice in order to do so.

That man was totally in love with me, a walking ball of Love and Light, and still is.  But when we were separated we were in the thick of falling harder and harder in love with each other.  It was getting deep and so passionate and close and thick as thieves.  The day before he got the job offer that put him immediately on a plane and away from me he spent the day emailing me all day long.  Love, our future together, fantasies... we discussed everything and I fell even harder for him.  We both felt it.  He always calls me "my future."  How did I doubt so badly?  Why?

I am tired.  Really tired.  I'd like to write some more about this wonderful man... especially when he was with me, here in my home touching me oh so gently like I was a fine piece of porcelain to be cherished.  Tenderness... Joron is so tender.  That's why the contrast is so effective... but HA- and I do say ha even if it seems disrespectful.  I am SO FUCKING DONE believing that nonsense.  It won't work on me any longer.  I will tolerate the silence with patience, and I don't know what my future holds but I will tell you this without a shadow of a doubt.  He is only my one and only true love.  I manifested him and he was given to me as my gem and gift, a gift of true love.  Yes it scared me.  Yes I have learned lessons but I can no longer be taught through the cold because I no longer put any belief into the nonsense.  It is not real.   Fake.  Orchestrated from above to scare the shit out of me, push my buttons and get me to stand up and say, "I laugh at you now fear so just try me."  I believe in his love which is real and strong, and I know we are perfect together.  Totally perfect.  Yes I am whole without him but... I am so much better off with him, and it is such a shame for us to part.  It is a fucking shame to be apart.  Love like ours is meant to be reveled in so I will do so even from afar.  I love him oh so much, and yes- I am willing to wait.  I love, I laugh, I live but I am also very committed to this man who is my soul partner.  Yes I know his soul is with me.  Shit, our souls have cleverly worked together from the very start in order to get this show on the road.  He hears my soul and immediately responds, and I thank him on every level for never letting me go.  For loving me enough to listen, to follow through, to not throw in the towel.  To always reassure me he is not dating and still thinks of me... and even for having to scare me in order to get me to see, finally, that I am worth more than killing myself slowly.  I know none of that could have felt good to my darling, and I am blessed to have so much love in my life.

I will never ever forget my Beloved.  I will only ever cherish his love and carry it close to my heart.  I pray for the day when we are entwined in each others eyes making at least a little eye contact between making out, eye contact with a small giggle because looking into my twin soul's eyes is akin to being shown answers to the mysteries of the universe.  I gaze up at the night sky and see him.  I hear a love song and hear him.  I taste good food and taste him.  I smell a rose and smell him.  I touch a sweet baby and I touch him.  I go to church and thank God and I thank my twin at the same time.  He is everything that is good and Divine and dear and loving and sweet to me... and I will adore him forever.           

Colder Weather: Hearts Will Melt

"Colder Weather" Zac Brown Band

Before I begin let me say that I got banned from Spiritual Forums, and I will not try to rejoin.  Why?  Because my guidance has told me to stay off the forum for a couple months now and I did not listen.  First I got banned for a week for using too many quotes.  Then after the ban lifted I went back.  Then my guidance again told me to stay off but I continued to post.  Another ban came for a month for using profanity.  That month passed and I began posting again.  Ever since oh about March the energy on the forum has shifted from what it was when I began there back in November.  It's draining, wearying, hopeless and jaded at times now- wasn't like that back when I joined.  I try to be a shining light but obviously Spirit wants me using my energy elsewhere because last week I suddenly, out of nowhere and for no reason, got this message at SF:  "You have been banned for the following reason: None.  Date the ban will lift: Never."  Well... I just can't ignore that as a strong message from Spirit to stay off the damn forum now.  So I shall.  I wish everyone there the best of luck, and I surely hope people there don't cave to the now widely-spread belief that this is only about soul, only about spirituality, only about mission and has nothing at all to do with transcended romantic non-normal earth-based unconditional love for another human being.  That is total fear-based, jaded, walls up bullshit.  Jenna Forrest has it right, and not many on the forum want to believe what she teaches: treat them gently beyond all measure no matter what.  Swallow your pride.  Quiet ego.  Love them.  And believe.  The energies will balance out.  One twin can raise up the other.  In time with unconditional love, gentleness, cherishing the divine connection instead of fretting and worrying "what's wrong with him?  Why does he do this and that?  He's so lucky to have ME as his twin..."  Oh please, spare me.  Only that totally tender special unconditional love, ego-less and meek, will bring two twins back together.  Be strong but inside your heart be malleable and soft.  Humble is a good way to be at this stage of life.  The Divine is trying to humble us.  Cocky is not what Lightworkers are meant to be.  You wanna be sarcastic, a smart ass, throw walls up and work out of fear that is cleverly disguised as "strength" then be prepared to learn the same lessons over and over again.  Only those vulnerable enough to even walk away but still own and cherish that love will move forward in a healthy manner, but that is just my truth.  My mini-rant.  I am tired of the jaded negative spin that is put on this divine connection, a gift God gives us that we are expected to honor and cherish, on SF- so I am not surprised that Spirit is ensuring I don't go back on.  That said- I unfortunately will miss my friends on the forum and I do wish everyone there my prayers, good thoughts, love and best wishes.  I hope those who feel in their hearts they can reunite, and who love their twin souls no matter what, on all levels, work hard and believe it can happen.  Just remember no matter what the gurus teach- it is less of ego when they run and more of SOUL.  Soul-orchestrated to push every one of your fear-buttons.  If anyone wants to email me please do at roseawen1973atgmail.com.  Stay in love :)

I heard this song  "Colder Weather" yesterday while driving and I am surprised I didn't crash.  I've heard it before but never truly listened to the words.  It is a song about me and Joron, actually I think it would fit for many twin souls.  Allow me to explain.  My guidance tells me all the time not to forget who he really is.  The "fake" him is cold and ambivalent.  This winter was the worst of my life because he was at his coldest going from this ooey gooey ball of walking love to BAM one day his love was shut off and for weeks he was just eerily cold.  The weather outside when he left in October was just turning chilly following the warm loving summer we spent together.  His first message to me after he separated from me even said, "Enjoy the cold."  I didn't realize then that his demeanor was going to go all chilly and non-affectionate and this was going to scare the shit out of me and force me to own my truth... that his leaving was soul-orchestrated to teach me some lessons and heal me.  That the real loving kind man was still there inside and wanted to come back to me just as soon as I no longer told the universe over and over again "I am the kind of woman any man can leave at the drop of a hat.  I know he will leave me.  I know he does not really love me."  Since I could not shake those fears he had to own his soul role with me, play his part, and he left me and faked not loving me in order to show me the power of my energy.  What I am NOT supposed to do is believe the "cold" is the real him.  And as long as I do believe the cold is the real him then he cannot come back to me.  He is left out wandering in the cold wanting to come back to me.

Do you realize how many times my twin soul has told me "I want to see you again?"  Quite a few.  It started all the way back in November when I was terrified of him.  We all know how twin soul separations go- they are surreal.  He'd say "I can't see you again because it was only attraction," and then an hour later he'd say, "You are perfect for me and I want to see you again.  Will you see me?  Do you want to?  I love you."  SURREAL.  I thought I'd entered The Twilight Zone.  

Fast forward all these months and now I understand even though it's still a challenge to quiet my fearful ego that says because he is quiet means... his love is, well, not here.  And that is "nonsense" as my guidance calls it.  Total nonsense.  Right now my twin soul, and this is not a dare to the universe but truth, could email me something cold and I'd be all like "meh."  It's not really him.  I know the real him.  He's shown me plenty of times throughout our "dance" that he is still the same man he was when we met but when I ignore that sweet man and concentrate on my fear then I get fear which is his cold.  What a fucking roller coaster.

My guidance tells me to stop ignoring my "gift" which is his love.  I love him a lot but I don't often think of him much any more.  I mean I think of him but in a very casual almost distance sense.  I want him with me, and I love him for helping me but keeping him at a distance is easier, right?  I don't bring the real him close.  "Ignite your gift.  Ignite the love" is what I am told.  "Protect your gift.  Protect his not normal love."  Ugh!  He did his part in helping me to heal.  How the Hell am I going to back away now and tell him "Sorry baby but I forget the real you?  So I'm going to be all like-sorry but I'm letting you go now?  I'm going to insist that he's actually this cold ambivalent person instead of fighting for our love... I'm going to believe all of this nonsense instead of standing up for my truth which is Joron actually loves me very much and had to "shift" into his role to help fix me?  Really?  I'm going to give up on our soul contract that easily out of fear?  Give up on him?  

I think not.  And I think those people who say "You shouldn't have to fight for love" can kiss my non-jaded ass, thank you very much.  Sometimes the best things are worth fighting for.  It is much easier to let go than it is to face fear and fight.

This song and video hit me hard.  I wrote this on youtube:

"He has to leave her; his soul tells him to even though he loves her.  Maybe she has something she needs to learn while she's alone.  He loves her deep inside though and he tries to tell her this by telling her "I want to see you again but I'm stuck in colder weather."  The colder weather is life without her.  He's stuck in that cold until she can believe in his love even if he isn't there. He wants her to believe in him.  This is why he says, "Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then?"  Maybe tomorrow she will stop doubting him and realize his love.  Just because he has to leave doesn't mean he's running from her due to lack of love. Instead of believing in him and his love she tells him nope- you're just made for leaving.  He feels her all around him, her "ghost" which is her soul and sees her everywhere but he's a "runner."  A "runner" in one half of a couple who has to leave because change needs to happen.  He does not leave by choice but by Destiny, and he needs her to believe in him.  She doesn't at first and near the end of the song he believes those things about himself which makes him wander around in "colder weather" for even longer.  He is now saying "I'm just made to leave you" when this isn't true but since she insists this to him instead of believing him when he says "I want to see you again" it then becomes his truth too.  We create our own truth through our thoughts, words and beliefs.  He wants to come back to her.  Now that he believes it too he's having a hard time finding his way back to her because she's ignoring his love.  This is why the light goes out.  At the very end though she realizes in her heart that he loves her so she goes to find him and she ignites that love strongly so he can find her- that's the symbolism behind her lighting the barn on fire.  He wants to find her but she has to believe in him, that he will be back, that he's not dropping her like a hot potato.  "It's a shame about the weather" means it's a shame that we are apart so believe in me so I can find you again.  It's a song about fear of abandonment and rejection, thinking the worst of a person, not believing in life-long love.  He tells her he knows they will be together one day, and he can't wait 'till then but first she must believe him and ignite that love, and she does.  Lesson learned, love fought for and they reunite. Love is not always easy.  Sometimes we are made to fight for what we love, what is important and good.  Not everything good comes easy."

Ignite his love.  How interesting.  Sometimes I wonder in this new world of "unreality" if Joron could possibly figuratvely be like the man in this video.  Yes he's in CA living, enjoying his career, having a good time- but does he hurt inside?  I've always pooh-poohed his messages and comments on the phone that sound like he aches for me.  Why?  Because I've never believed I am the type of woman worth aching over.  How sad is that?  In reality I am NOT leavable.  I am one to be cherished and held on to come what may, and I'd hoped he hold on to me but I feared he'd let go.  Fear won out.

I can't insist that he's this nonsense person who suddenly decided to stop communicating with me over night because it is NOT TRUE.  He is a man who, out of the blue, can want to talk for four hours and then tell me later via text "I hate saying goodnight or goodbye."  A man who moans my name over the phone and whispers I love you all in the same breath.  Who tells me "I need you in my life.  I need you."  He told me to ask him anything, insisted it really- because that is how Spirit works.  I asked him what happened to CA?  What happened to me visiting?  Us getting married?  In a very dream-like manner he said, as calm as ever, "Nothing has changed.  I feel the same way now that I did then."

He bought a freaking tri-level home.  Come on!  Yet I doubted and I worried and I allowed myself to be terrified and convinced that somehow he still didn't love me, that he... well, in the song he says "I want to see you again but I'm stuck in colder weather" meaning- I so badly want to see you again but we are separated for a reason and until you get it straight I can't come back to you.  I'll be wandering around out here aching for you while YOU ignore my heart and think the worst of me, and that will put more and more distance between us so please just believe my love now!!!"  But instead of believing she reiterates to him, insists to him, "She says... you were born to leave me."  She uses her power of intention to believe the cold instead of his love, and slowly he becomes what she believes until finally at the end when his "Light" begins to fade she runs out to ignite the Love and they reunite.  She has to believe him in the end, believe in the real him and his love.

That's my truth.  This has been one wild ride but I know this man loves me.  I know that this has all been one really strange, scary and at times very loving ride used to push me in the right direction.  I am ready for it to be over now though.  I understand.  I am not scared any more, and I miss my Beloved.  Yes we work together in soul but I cannot hold his soul in my arms, kiss his soul in the morning, hand his soul a cup of tea, or discuss science and religion and LOVE over the breakfast table with his soul... and I can't really entwine his naked soul in my arms and make very real human sweaty blissful love.  So I want my boyfriend love of my life Divine twin soul back in my life very badly.  If I gotta write oodles about what he means to me, how much I know he loves me, and what I remember about him to keep him close to me just so I know I've done absolutely everything I can, totally listen to Spirit, then I will.  I love my life.  I love my child and my friends and family.  I booked a trip to Disney for me and my son, and I landed Garth Brooks tickets for his come back tour which kicks off in Chicago *woot woot*  I LIVE and I LOVE.  I am not longing my life away, aching so badly that I feel imprisoned.  This is not a union I want to escape from.  But damn I am ready to have my love back in my life.  I will be patient because I know it is up to Divine Timing but I will say this- I love him.  I believe in him.  I trust my gem and my gift, and I refuse to accept any more Divinely-inspired nonsense.  I won't create it with my energy and I won't accept it even if I accidentally do shoot it out there.  His last messages to me were so laughable!  Again with the "I'm coming home to see you" and then a few hours later "Oh I'm not after all."  Well they never sounded like him to begin with but I'd asked for a sign to let me know we were not dead in the water and I got one but they were just strange.  At least this time he let me know he was not coming back, and I did not crash at all.  I just told myself, "Okay.  More time to prepare.  He'll get here some time or another!"

The ending of the song goes something like this:

When I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
But I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait 'til then
I can't wait 'til then 

Oh yeah.  I know soon we'll be together, as soon as I can stop believing in this cold weather, and I am pretty sure that time is now.  I am ready for my Beloved whenever it is time for him to return to me which I do hope is soon because honestly... I can hardly wait 'til then. 

"Inner Knowing"

"Inner Love" by Lentzy @ Deviantart.com

My blog has been quiet for a while.  A few weeks ago is when the hand of God reached down through my Twin Soul and shook me in a way that cleared me of much of my inner shit for good.  It was necessary yet harsh, loving yet terrifying, and I still don't completely understand how it happened but I have since come to realize that I only need to accept the miracle.  Not everything needs to be figured out; some things simply need to be trusted.  Some time and quiet has been necessary for me to come to terms with what is happening to me; it's gotten deep and I've had to go inner.  Please know that for a while my blog will be used to help me work through this union from a very personal and detailed perspective.  I need to go back through the months and rewrite my experiences with the knowledge I have that he left me in order to heal me, that he loved me enough to put me through Hell so I would finally Awaken. 

After that happened I poured my heart out to him about our connection although I didn't use the term "twin soul."  But to an Atheist I explained his strong soul, how he hears his Higher Self tell him to quiet to me and how he listens and abides, etc.  I did it because I was worried about him.  What was he thinking about the messages he sent me?  They were totally unlike him, and not pretty nor loving- he was mirroring what my guidance calls my "inner vile" while is one step away from an inner hatred that creates a strong urge for self-destruction based on fear and "lack of."  Lack of love.  Fear that I am forgotten despite months and months of evidence towards the opposite.  I wanted him to know he was mirroring me so I explained it all, to an Atheist, with the faith that The Divine would work it all out.  I love him so much that just in case he was hurting I felt the need to explain.  My little spiritual-in-his-own way, in-love-with-the-universe Science Trip of a Twin Soul is very soulful, and I know I need not worry about our beliefs because he's already told me more than once that "none of that matters to me when it comes to a relationship."  And see, he loves me.  No matter what happens as long as the intention is loving then all will work out in the end.  God's got this.

During all of this there has been silence.  The last I'd heard from him was enough to scare the dog shit out of me and then after that was silence.  My emails of explanation received no response which did not surprise me.  Throughout the silence my guidance has been adamant that the silence is a result of "gift ignored, gift ignores."  I am told he is my gem and a gift, and that gift is his love for me.  But I get scared of that love, particularly disbelieving and doubtful of it which means I don't accept it, and then he mirrors that non-acceptance of love back to me by being dismissive, cold and ambivalent or simply quiet.  The quiet has pushed me hard, pushed me to a place of acceptance.  It has taught me in no uncertain terms that the only aspect of this union I have any control over is ME, my thoughts, my beliefs, my intention, and where I place my super strong energy.  Do I want to concentrate my energy on that which I fear?  Or do I want to super-charge my love with my Divine Duracell-like energy?

My guidance tells me an "inner knowing" of my gift {his love} is necessary for the silence to lift.  This means no fear, definitely no anger, unconditional love, and accepting the gift of his love for me.  Despite appearances at times Joron has an unconditional soul-based love for me that has kept him energetically by my side through all of this, helping to heal me.  He has been THE key aspect to finally getting me healed of years worth of shit that was trapped inside of me.  He did this by loving me, being pulled away from me through a Divinely-orchestrated move for his career, and then soon after he moved he shut off to me, and our separation and the healing process began.  Dispersed throughout has been HUGE doses of love that I questioned, pulled apart, inspected, doubted and otherwise stomped into the ground instead of just accepting, cherishing and knowing, a feeling.  Feeling his love, that deep inner knowing, inner meaning inside my heart.  His silence has tussled me, upset me and caused me to question even though all along I was told the silence was helping to heal me... I just didn't enjoy the process.

What I have come to believe is Joron does not love the silence either.  It is forced, stilted, and can't feel good for him.  I've experienced from him these "bursts" of "I can't get enough of you.  I miss you.  I wish we could start over.  I wish you could come visit me.  I wish we could go back to when we couldn't wait to hear from each other" and I'd read those words and think, "Is he lying?" instead of seeing the truth: his Higher Self is working through him, using him as an instrument of Divine Healing, and on a soul-level he has agreed to this but on a heart-level it does not feel good.

Dare I say that inside my Beloved longs for me like I do him?  I feel this.  I know it.  My heart tells me that when I read his "strange" messages and they feel so cold it is because they are not him, not from his heart.  I can't feel his heart in those messages because his heart is turned off to me, and it all kinds of sucks even though I know it's pushed me to heal.  It also scared me, and it's taken a while to get past the fear.  But now I understand.  And I know he hurts.  He misses me.  He's written over and over, "I love you.  I miss you.  I want you to be my future.  If you were my wife we'd make love every night.  I wish I could kiss you every night.  I hate saying goodbye or goodnight.  I need you in my life.  I want to love you forever.  Make me comfortable talking to you again.  I wish we could start over.  I wish you could come visit me..." and the list goes on and on.  All while separated.  I was so doubtful when all along he was trying so hard to show me, to get me to believe his love and to learn my lessons that I am too loveable to be walked away from, and no I was not "jilted" but instead loved enough that he sacrificed his love for me by leaving me to help heal me, his love.  I know I am his Beloved.  I may get scared yet I feel it.  Our time together was real.  Our love is real.  His affection for my son was real, and his pain over being separated from me, and from the life we dreamed about together, is also real.  

Somehow I am loved enough that I was linked up with a very strong loving amazing soul in order for change and love to happen in my life.  This man is unique, not "normal" and hears his Higher Self very clearly, and immediately, and he chooses to ignore using his free will to choose otherwise when his HS tells him to communicate a certain way with me.  He is the perfect mirror for me; he has shown me myself more clearly than if I looked at my own reflection hanging on the wall.  Not everything I've seen has been pretty, much of it has been humbling to say the least.  My mirror will ignore nor overlook anything inside me that needs to be purged or healed.  Through him he has helped me to be cleansed, and for that I am very thankful, appreciative of him in a way I can't really find the proper words to explain, an ineffable appreciation for essentially saving my life.

My Joron has helped to save my life.  I will love him forever.

My Gift.  His love.  I am the love of his life, no doubt about it.  I knew I would be when we met, and I also fell super hard for him but fuck- there is no denying that he fell hard in love with me.  I watched his face light up whenever he saw me.  He touched me like I was precious porcelain.  He said all women are Goddesses, and I could tell he meant it.  I saw his soul when I looked into those beautiful blue eyes... they sparkle.  Endless.  He has a jovial air about him, a jaunty bounce to his step, similar to a child.  During the darkest part of this I would sit and wrack my brain thinking... but his was so joyful.  How could this be happening?  It never felt real, the separation.  The love was always there even through the long cold winter.

 "So now I say goodbye to the old me, so dead and gone,

And I can't wait wait wait 'till I get you home just to let you know

You are the love of my life." 

~Mirrors

No, I don't want to lose you now, and I know you don't want to lose me either.  I will not forget you, damn it.  Plenty of times I've been tempted to forget who you really are, the cutie in my backpack, but no.  I refuse to do so.  I am holding on.  To you, the real you, the Love who met me on my blue moon birthday and asked to hold my hand first thing because no other man {besides my little son} would ever hold my hand.  You love to hold my hand, and you told me you always will.  God you owned me with that first kiss, so effortless and wanting and full of desire... like you'd waited your entire life to kiss me.  Please dear, kiss me again.  Come back and kiss me again.  Feel my love and know I have nothing but adoration for you.  It has not been easy but thank you for not letting me go.

I am confident we will be together soon.  Understanding and accepting what has happened between us is half the battle, believing in your love has been the largest challenge of my life but love... you've loved me this entire time and I am sorry I doubted you.  I want you back, badly.  We are meant to be together, you and I.  We are much better together than we are apart, that's for sure.  And I know you've been right here all along, beside me urging me on and secretly holding my hand.  I imagine all those moments when I've cried you've wiped my tears, quietly shushing me and bidding me to have faith.  

And just when I thought that... only God could save us you've reached out to me again.  I'm trying to do what I am told, my love.  Hold you close.  Love you.  Accept my gift, ignore it not.  I'd never want to ignore your love.  Shower me with your love.  Kiss me, hug me, hold me, devour me, make love to me... you are my other half whether or not you are with me in the physical here and now.  I want no other besides you, and you know this.  My heart is calm.  I am ready and waiting for you.  I knew from that very first conversation, back again when I thought it was over, that this was not a normal love... so again thank you for sticking with me my darling.

I'll write my fingers down to the bone to keep that "inner knowing" of who you really are and how much you love me.  I adore you.  Kisses. 

Writing Love

There is just so much going on with me yet at the same time nothing that seems extraordinary to those around me.  Since it is mostly my internal life, what my guidance refers to as my "inner world," and not my external "real" life to most it would not seem like much.  I wake, ready myself, greet my child with a warm loving sing-song wake up call while snuggling up with him for a few moments before we greet our day, then we get him ready and leave for work.  I drop him at the sitter, head to my job.  Work.  Talk with peeps.  Usually go to the park and walk at my lunch break, talk to God and my TS in my head.  Sit on the pier overlooking the water at my favorite peaceful location and listen quietly to a few songs while clearing my mind.  Back to work.  Pick up son.  Dinner, playtime, Little Man cuddle time then bed time.  And I'm normally really tired after my "real life" 3D life stuff is done.  But then there is my spiritual life to consider... and what a couple years it has been in my spiritual world.

I wrote Joron a sweet sexy email a while back and his response was... subdued.  Nice but calm.  He said I should be writing romance and that comment stuck out to me- it's been tussling me.  My guidance keeps telling me "ignore gift, gift ignores."  Ugh!  Yoda-guidance! "Ignore Light not.  Gel hefty Gem.  Gift- ignore gift not."  I get these infernal message often, and another one which is... "Fight not Higher Will."  Sometimes I wish my guidance would just say, "Yo Rose- come closer, let me tell you something..." while just spilling out *exactly* what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.  Step-by-step.  But I know it doesn't work like that.  And see I have this issue because most people, when they speak of twin souls, talk a lot about "letting go."  Letting go of the person and the "dream"- and I SWEAR my guidance is telling me otherwise.  And this is why I am so doubtful and pushing away the messages at times.  I sometimes don't listen.

What I think my guidance is telling me... is that Joron has sacrificed his love for me in order to help heal me, and that sacrifice, that love he's shown me from afar, perfectly timed, when he really wants to have his arms wrapped around me all the time,  is a gift that I am supposed to write about.  That his "jilting" me {and I am always told "jilted NOT" to tell me that he didn't just "abandon" me but it was planned, perfectly orchestrated, by The Divine to help heal me} was to help heal me, to push the crap out of me, to ensure I did not "gel killing my Light."  Gel=firm up.  I'm told to "Gel hefty Gem" which means firm up this strong person, firm him up- and call me crazy but I think I'm being told to just finally write about him with love, tell my story of how he loved me and left me to heal me, and it is so so so hard because I wish he was with me, right here right now.

Another reason it's difficult?  Because so many skeptics keep telling me it can't be true, and I get scared.  But I SEE it.  I know his off-the-wall messages where he emails out of nowhere seeming so sad and full of longing expressing his confusion and how he wants to see me are the side-effects of him "intently and immediately listening to his Higher Will" as my guidance tells me.  I am told that for me "real life" is over now.  To scrap this idea of what reality is and dive in to this world I always felt existed but couldn't believe in; I've always believed in magic- I felt it as a child.  Throughout my nightmarish youth I felt the magic around me, especially through books and music, and I know I was lead to those mediums to protect my open wondrous mind, to pull me through.

It feels like a fictional novel or movie doesn't it?  Two people, soul mates on a very high level, meet and fall madly in love.  One is secretly sinking fast, working hard to keep her head above water inside and out, and the other is a loving caring kind not-your-run-of-the-mill jaunty happy little sweetheart who is just jonesing to fall in love.  The crash into each other in a first date that is so divinely orchestrated it's almost ridiculous- born in the same place at the same time only to reunite forty years later on my birthday under the blue moon, holding hand, swinging on the swings, and a spine-tingling almost obnoxiously perfect knock-my-socks-off first kiss {that I'll never forget.}  True love quickly ensues.  Man freely and copiously spews love and sweetness to the woman, totally pure and genuine.  They speak of marriage and a family- her very dreams.  And he leaves, pulled away by his soul yet they work to keep it together... but the end that is needed is unavoidable and BAM they end... only to have a magical mystical Spirit-planned "dance" happen that seeks to heal her through his "listening to his guidance" and sometimes it's loving and other times it hurts- and he, little do we know, is left hurting, confused and missing her yet he doesn't know why- all he knows is sometimes he's so in love he can't stand it, and other times he's... not.  And he feels kinda crazy.

And she is supposed to LOVE him for his sacrifice so she tries so hard to listen too- not get angry with him, not challenge him, stay in unconditional love... just in case it's all real.

Love separated despite dying for each other inside.  Sometimes I feel his desperate longing for me and it makes me sad.  Compassion overwhelms me.  Other times I'm mad at him for deserting me- and I wonder just how much that hurts him on the inside when he's only doing it for my own good?  Like, "Please Rosie don't be mad at me... it already hurts so much having to do this to you- just remember I love you and want you to be my future."

Either I am losing my mind or else this is really happening to me and my guidance wants me to write of him just like this- as my love-sacrificing gem who is willing to risk it all in order to heal me, even if it means shitting all over my with my fears to do so.  You know- I've risked sending Joron messages that I don't want to send, risked the love, in order to help him.  Now I realize that is what he did for me but he just hears differently that I do- I have a more of a conscious "hearing."  His somehow- he just sends it.  I don't totally understand it but I have been reading about channeling online and I found this:

"It is common when channeling afterwards to forget the message or information as it is simply passing through you, not from you. Over a period of time channeling can become a natural ability, it is after all our natural state. In the future everyone will be able to channel, and it may not be called channeling anymore, perhaps simply “connecting” or something similar."

That is my Joron.  He is strong and special and a "Bright Light."  He hears his Higher Self, is vulnerable to the workings of his Higher Will, and his Higher Will told him to kick my ass a couple weeks ago.  I do love him for it... and I know it is time to write of my love for him by explaining in novel-form, even if it is a blog, how his leaving me helped to cement the healing that I asked God for two years earlier.  I know that it is energetic in nature that when I write this in full belief it will somehow shift the energy, create more Light.  I miss my twin soul who has taken me by the hand and lead me through my hard hard healing by being my mirror. I do believe it so...

It's time for me to write our very unique, highly magical love story.