One Thing

Well so far so good in my efforts to control my bad drinking habits. I started feeling so sick every time I drank hard liquor, terrible heartburn, muscle twitches, and I could tell it was affecting me in a bad way. Along with that I've wanted to lose some weight because I've put on some pounds. So I've had to cut back on how much I eat.

Upside in losing a few pounds and staying away from booze is I no longer get heartburn and I feel like I can breathe easier. I'll drink a beer once in a while but I'm okay with that. What I don't want is to buy vodka and drink hard liquor at home.

I had to laugh though. Tonight I really wanted ice cream. I love ice cream! My son is spending the night at his cousin's house and I'm home alone. I went to get ice cream but the place near me is closed. So I went to Walgreens instead and got a small container. Well two. They were two for four dollars! But as I was checking out I realized in the past I would have been buying vodka.

I'd rather get the ice cream.

Tomorrow will be four years since the first time I talked to James. It is not easy for me. The ongoing relentless silence kills me inside. I hate it. Not talking to James hurts
 No closure hurts. Limbo hurts. Knowing this is all so surreal and unwanted hurts. Aching to know him again and have him in my arms hurts. But one thing I have to be really careful of is that I don't use liquor to try to escape my emotional pain. I feel like I have a pretty good grip on it. Drinking finally got to the point where I feel so extremely shitty after drinking that I can't take it. I remind myself often of how nasty it feels an hour or two later.

I really wish James was here with me right now. I wish I was cuddled in his arms. This feels like Hell on earth to me. I wouldn't wish how I currently feel on anyone I know. Not even my mean clerk who thankfully retired. To love someone so very much and miss him and weep for him but not have him in my life or my arms is painful.

I miss James.

Sad Love

I have fun but I don't have joy. I camp and go to the pool and spend time with my son, friends and family- but I don't feel joyful.

I miss James so much. I really don't have much to say. Work has been incredibly busy with my new position as director and I'm trying to do the best I can. So that's all good. But I'm lonely. I miss James. I wake in the night missing him. My heart hurts.

I feel like I get signs but... I really want to hear from him. I want to talk to him. He and I met each other this time of year so end of July on is torture for me because the weather reminds me of walking with him and being with him.

Time does nothing to lessen my emotions and ache. I love him and want him as much now as I did then. I remember his kisses. I remember how it felt to see his smiling face when he walked in my door. I remember how awesome our conversations were and his soft sweet voice the first time we talked on the phone. And remembering hurts. A lot. It guts me. I don't know what to do but breathe. I can't force joy. I can only live as well as possible.

I wish I could be happy again though. The last time I was truly happy was when I knew him. I hate that all of this happened. I'm not thankful for the silence or not knowing him. I hate it. I tolerate it because it is the only thing I can do but I'm not thankful and I don't appreciate it. I still feel.there are other ways to achieve growth than this. I don't understand why the ONE thing I want most, to be happy in love, has to be the one area of my life where all I do is cry and pray and cry and hope and cry and cry. I'm so irritated with all this. I hate feeling like I do, always missing James. Always pining over him. Praying to see him again. Begging God. Waking at 3AM unable to sleep and thinking of him. I feel unfulfilled and lonely. I ache to be in his arms, cuddled up with him.

And what else irritates me is I know he loves me. I don't care what the circumstances are right now or how much time has passed. He fell in love with me and adored me and that shit doesn't just disappear for no reason. He told me he wished I was with him cuddled in his arms. I know he wants me in his life. So I'm frustrated and irritated and annoyed with this situation. I want to have a conversation with James. An honest truthful exchange.

I can't really express myself well. It is a deep longing for someone I do not have in my life but I feel I should because we never ended. Unfinished business. I miss him so much. It affects my outlook on life. So many people happy in love and I'm here aching to share my love with James. I only want to be good to him. That's all. It bothers me because he told me the women he loved in his past didn't treat him well or they hurt him, did not nice shit to him. And then there is me. All I wanted was to spend me life with him loving him and being good to him. So to be in this place is upsetting. All I wanted was to be his sweet girlfriend and be able to kiss him forever.

I wish he was mine. In my heart he is my one and only but I wish he was here in my life, my lover and friend. I've never wanted anything more, and wanting him this much causes me a lot of aching. To love someone so much but not have that person in your arms or your life is crazy painful.

It's a sad love.

Frustrating

You know what is so super frustrating about all of this?  I just want to have a normal open real honest conversation with James.  I hate that it was all nonsense for so long and now I want to speak freely with him, and honestly.  I wish we could talk about all of this.  Or at least talk.  I don't care if we discuss the last four years of weirdness or not.  It doesn't matter to me as long as I could talk with him again and he sounds like the man I met, dated and fell in love with.

It is so frustrating to know... what truth is as it pertains to James but to not see it reflected in my life.  I KNOW him.  I know the man I met and spent time with, and he is a good, kind, open and talkative person!  Friendly.  Funny.  And all I want to do is be able to talk with him or hear from him where he sounds like his normal kind friendly caring self! 

There is a huge difference you know, between truth and the "reflection" when you are feeling fear, doubt and all of that.  I knew immediately the difference, and I never did believe in it.  He was far too kind and sweet when we met.  I remember the man I spent time with.  I know who he is.

This makes me fucking crazy.  It hurts so so so much.  All I want to do is know the real him again, speak with him, be honest with each other.  I'll never believed the "nonsense."  I am strong enough to realize it is bullshit.  I know he is a loving kind person.  The person I met and hugged and kissed and laughed with.  The man I discussed having a future with; the man I still wish was in my life.

I wish we were married. I want to be his wife.  I miss him so much that it is killing me inside.

I seriously ache for the James I met and dated and freely openly honestly loved.  This is fucking me up inside.  It is very hard to believe in an all-loving "God" when I hurt this bad and beg and plead and cry to this God for something to PLEASE change but then... I hear nothing.

I read all these things that say when in separation we need to focus on what makes us happy, a hobby, doing what we love, focusing on what brings us happiness.  Well guess what?!  For me that is James.  Being with James.  Spending time with James.  Hugging and kissing James.  Making love with James.  THAT is what brings me happiness.  Hobbies no longer cut it for me.  I could care less about any of my past hobbies right now.  Thankfully my work keeps me very busy and I HAVE to do it- there is no choice in the matter.  My hobbies, no way.  What I WANT is to have love in my life.  My husband.  My companion.  That's what I care about.  Nothing else fulfills me.  I miss him and NOTHING takes away the pain, the ache, the longing.

Doing what I love, ha.  I loved doing James.  He was here last year and made love to me and we spent time together and I saw his face and spoke with him like NORMAL and THAT is what I love.  THAT made me happy.  For a moment.  I want a life filled with loving him and being near him and having fun with him and making love with him and laughing with him and sharing life with him.  That is what would make me happy.  Companionship.  I feel so fucking alone and sad and miserable and I miss him so so so much.

Nothing helps ease this feeling.  Nothing.  Only when I hear from him do I feel any better.

Funny I read something the other day from a twin flame site.  This woman said she had more pride than to jump when her twin reached out to her, like after he'd been quiet for a long time and hadn't responded to her over and over.  She felt she was pathetic in hoping and waiting to hear something from him so she told herself to have more pride, and then if he contacted her she'd make him wait on her.  And I have to laugh because that is so not me.  I would give anything to hear from James.  Do anything to be able to talk to my Love again.  I don't see it from her perspective at all.  I'd throw a fucking party if I got a simple normal hello from him.  "How are you?  I've been thinking of you."  There is no use for "pride" in this.  Only love.  I love him and I'd be over the moon to hear from him.  I pray for contact every day.

So no, I am no good on "releasing expectation" or "letting go."  And that is because I KNOW he loves me.  I know nothing changed between us.  I remember him telling me so adamantly on the phone months into this "shift" things like, "Nothing has changed.  I still feel exactly the same way," yet I couldn't understand... if that was true then why didn't I hear from him?  It fucked with my head.  I couldn't shake the fear, the feeling of being dismissed.  But I look back and I know he loved me.  The whole time, and I believe he still loves me still.  I just wish he could be in my life now.  I wish I knew him again.  I ACHE to have his physical presence in my life. 

I miss my friend!  I love and miss my friend so much.

Jennifer

Memories

Funny how vivid memories can be. I have clear pictures of James in my mind. How he would look at me and smile. He was very smiley, always happy and friendly. Funny too.

Memories are bittersweet. I'm glad I remember but it also aches.

I want more than a memory.

Real Love

My heart is heavy! It hurts. I remember James quite clearly and my memories are tearing me to shreds. I can't believe it has been almost four years. I thought I'd get through this. I thought we would be back together. We were so good as a couple!

It is painful for me to know that he truly is perfect for me. Because he is not here so it hurts. When I met him I was given my dream come true, literally. He was everything I had ever wished for. An angel. He was adorable in every way. Brilliant, smart, empathetic, kind, open-minded, friendly, funny, stimulating, interesting, loving, respectful, patient, generous, thoughtful... the list goes on. PERFECT. And OMG he is so beautiful. I have a photo of him I took on one of our dates. He is by The Chicago River and has the best smile- I haven't looked at that picture in a long time; I can't. I already hurt so much because I miss him. But I can recall that picture in my mind. He took me to Chicago on a great fun date. I had the best time with him. He was always easy to get along with, happy, smiley and fun. He treated me amazingly well. And that night was no exception. We went out for sushi to a restaurant called "Union" and that was a treat for me. Rarely did I go out to the city so it was extra fun to be there with James. We tried kangaroo meat! And the sushi was great except for the mackerel. It had skin on it!! I choked it down because I didn't want to be rude! Such a fun night. He held my hand the entire evening while we walked through downtown. Always smiling. So sweet. Total perfection. Angel boyfriend!!

We got along so well!! Like we looked forward to seeing each other and we always had to be touching or kissing when we were together. He was so happy to call me his girlfriend and told me he wanted to be exclusive. Wanted to be my boyfriend. He would say he was so lucky to have me as his girlfriend, and he said he is compatible with only like 1% of the female population. He said "You're my 1%"

I'm dying inside. I think maybe that is why I hurt so bad- my heart is crushed. I feel horrible because I look back and know I did all this. It is SO fucking hard to believe but I feel like had I not been scared, not focused on the wrong things, not thrown my super powered manifestation energy out there to screw it all up then we would still be together.

I kinda hate myself right now!! I should have just enjoyed James and his huge love like my guidance urged me to. When he was with me I was fine. My fears only got to me when we were apart. When I was left to my own uncontrollable thoughts. But when he was with me it was different, amazing. He would come visit me at my home and we would sit and kiss all night. So so sweet. I loved kissing James. Our kisses are sweet. Hours and hours of making out like teens, and he only kissed me. He was happy to kiss me! It was so healing and refreshing and beautiful to be with a loving man who was fine with "just kissing" night after night!! Who wanted to see me. Who went out of his way to spend time with me when he knew we would be sitting on my couch hugging and kissing. And smiling. And he made me laugh. He would look into my eyes and I'd giggle. His eyes are so blue and beautiful. It was hard to look at him for long since he is so attractive; I'd have to look away to catch my breath.

When apart he was always contacting me. Never once did he make me worry with a slow response. He called all the time!! He said good morning each morning and I love you every night before bed. We literally talked for hours most nights when we were not together. He loved knowing me.

And nothing ever happened to change that. The love and connection remained while he... disappeared. Completely unexpectedly.

I'm besides myself. I feel like dying would be easier than living with this deep longing and ache. Missing him is painful. It's horrible. My memories are bittersweet. Remembering the first time we made love, how sweet he was in waiting for me to be fully ready. He waited until I asked him. We would kiss and kiss and kiss and I'd think "Should I ask him?" but it felt so good kissing him that I didn't know how to ask him. Loving him, being loved by him, made me feel shy- more like I truly am. Until finally it was like... okay this has got to happen! Everything felt comfortable with James. He made all experiences we shared together beautiful and perfect. Good. Like making love. It was real genuine lovemaking. Enthusiastic, sweet, hot, passionate, loving, kissy and perfect. He always made sure to be loving and affectionate, and he made a point of being considerate of my feelings always. He said "I love you" about 500 times while we dated. He said he finally found the perfect woman for him, the one he wanted to marry and have a child with...

All my dreams come true- in my adorable Geologist Atheist wonderful loving boyfriend.

A gift. Seriously. No rose-colored glasses. It was perfect with him. He said we would get married and have sushi on the beach and we would make love every night forever. As long as we could! He always wanted to pleasure me... he was generous in every way. He adored me and my body and he called me beautiful. Like it was my name.

And "honey." He called me honey and I miss that term of endearment from him tons. I would love to hear James call me honey again.

James was also kind to my son and that means the world to me. It is one reason why I hold his memory close to my heart- he was sweet to my child. He took us out one day to a play land for mini golf and to feed the baby alligators. His idea. He invited us. Sweetest gesture EVER. He showed my son how to mini golf. It was adorable and really one of the happiest moments of my life. It is all I want- a life like that with James, us together like that day.

Do you see?? Do you see why I so strongly believe in the "twin soul" concept? I believe in it because the twin soul who goes quiet is said to be a mirror- and as unbelievable as that seems... it is the only explanation that suits me experience. Because I KNOW the endearing man I met and fell in love with! I remember his super awesome generosity and goodness! How much he loves me and protected me. I can only explain what happened, his leaving and disappearing, as him being that mirrored reflection of my own energy and intentions.

I believe that James does love me. A lot. But I have no idea how or when I'll hear from my loving sweet friend again. And that limbo feeling hurts. Because I love him NOW and I miss him NOW and I long for his touch and kiss and sweet embrace now. Right now. I miss everything about him.

He was here last year and we made love. He is the only man I've made love with since we dated. Since I fell so deeply in love with him. It is torturous to feel this pull, this need, this strong love and desire for him yet I ache to talk with him... I'm dying to talk with James or see him or kiss him. I want him in my life.

I'm a disaster right now. I feel like YES I clearly see everything I did that kept him from me. And I HATE it. I wish I could do it over. I wish I could go back to the times when he was able to reach out to me and do my best to keep him close. To be back together with James again. I wish we had never parted and were instead married with a family right now. That dream makes me weep. I want a future with him so much.

I wish I could go back and undo choices I made that reflected back to me in ways that gutted me. But I can't. I can only say that I'm here. I'm holding on. I adore James. I dream of him holding me for a very long time. Or pillow talk curled up in his arms.

One night after months of silence and "stuff" we ended up emailing back and forth. Before I went to bed he wrote, "I wish you were here with me cuddled in my arms."

THAT is my James. That is my love. His sweet gentle heart. I've missed him since the day he walked out my door. I want nothing more than to be able to cuddle up in his arms every night.

My heart. I ache for my love. I wish he could be a part of my life again. I miss my dear sweet loving friend. I love him with all my heart. For good reason.

xxoo

Jennifer

Unconditional Love

I hope James realizes I love him even more now than when I met him. That's what makes this all so painful. Because I love him and miss him and ache for him. Every cell in my body cries out for him. That is why it hurts. That is why I cry. Because I miss my sweetheart and missing him is painful.

When you love someone you crave having that person near you. And when you are desperately IN LOVE with that special wonderful amazing person... it feels like Hell being apart.

I'm still in love with you. Yes I've been afraid. This has been scary and sad. But through it all I've always known the truth about you, that you are still the James I knew. Sweet, generous, thoughtful, caring, kind, friendly, loving, gentle, patient, respectful, silly and affectionate. An angel. You were amazingly good to me. Completely loving and kind. It is all I can think about. Your goodness. It makes me cry. I miss you and your perfect love. And sweet gentle kisses. I really really miss your kisses.

It must be unconditional love because despite everything- I'm still fully madly deeply in love with you. And you are all I want.

Which makes it unbelievably painful being away from you with no contact. My heart yearns for you.

I wish you were here with me. Together. Forever.

I'll always love you.

Every Day

Every day aches.  Seriously.  And I don't really have a way to reach him directly so it's agony because before I felt I could at least communicate to him freely even if I didn't always get a response.  I just want to tell him how much I miss him and wish he could speak to me.  How I wish I could see him again or hear from him.  How I want truth from him.  I just want to know truth.  Nothing more, nothing less.  That's all.  I want to tell him how much I adore him and think he is wonderful and still clearly remember the precious time we spent together, how much my sweet memories mean to me- I cherish them.

Last night I heard the song "Fix You" for the first time in a long while.  The lyrics say, "The tears streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace" and I thought yeah.  That.  I feel like I've lost something I could never ever replace, some valuable and worth the world to me- and I've grieved the loss of him since he's been out of my life.  Every day I ache.  Every day I pray and hope and wish for some word from him.  I don't know what to do with this feeling.  I just try to deal with it but it sometimes makes me really crazy, and it makes me... resent spirit for choosing this life experience for me as a twin soul.  I didn't ask for a twin soul.  I never did.  I did not ask for a "mirror."  I asked for a sweet kind boyfriend.  And I got one in James BUT I didn't ask for him to be a reflection, etc.  So I get upset.  Because I feel it was forced upon me against my will to have a twin soul.  I just wanted a wonderful loving relationship with a man who would adore me and cherish me and love me fully and want to marry me and spend the rest of his life happy and content with me.  THAT is what I asked for!  Not THIS!  I did not consciously ask for this, and sometimes it makes me really angry that my life ended up as a twin soul experience.  I still don't totally understand it.

I met James and he seemed to be the answer to my prayers.  That hurts a lot now.  Because he was so wonderful and sweet and perfect that I felt like maybe... just maybe he was finally my gift after a life that included a lot of painful experiences.  I thought maybe God was giving me my blessing.  I started believing that for a moment and then suddenly he was gone.  I still believe he is a gift to me- but I want my gift back.  I want him here in my life with me. 

It hurts.  I hurts so bad.  It is the worst feeling to miss someone you love SO much.  To love a person but not have him in your arms... is horrid.  Like someone is cutting into me.  Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.

I wish I could tell him that still he is the man I want in my life and he is irreplaceable to me, and this is why I hold on.  Because anyone else would not be him so anyone else would pale in comparison.  I'd always remember him if I moved on.  I'd compare and find anyone else lacking.  I feel like I am meant to hold on.  I've always believed that somewhere out there James actually does love me and wants to be with me but that there is something I need to do or justify or... I don't know.  I don't know what it is.  I tell myself that maybe it is just... holding on no matter what since in the past I have thought about dating or being with someone else because I get so hopeless feeling or I want something, some distraction, away from my pain!  It is the most frustrating shit!  I just want to be able to reach out to him and say- do you really have any idea how much I love you?  Really?  I've died inside every day since you left.  You are always on my mind.  You have my heart.  YOU are the man I want.  I keep myself for you.  I want you to be my husband.  I want to love you and take care of you and make you happy forever.  I protect your memory and hold you close to my heart.  I've never wanted anything more than I want to spend the rest of eternity kissing you and holding you close to me.  I want you to be my family.  I want to share life with you.  I want you here with us.  I want to be good to you.  I need you in my life.  I am missing my happiness without you.  My heart calls out to you- do you hear the sound?

I don't mean to be a hypocrite.  I HAVE considered dating.  I went on one date.  I've made what I consider mistakes, things I wish I could take back.  But it never had to do with a lack of love for James.  It's because I wanted to feel normal, human again.  I wanted to... not feel so sad, so lonely.  I wanted to distract from how much my heart hurts over missing James.  When in reality I've always only really wanted him.  It can sometimes be hard when you want something SO much but it's not here, no matter how much you've begged and prayed and cried.  Sometimes it just feels overwhelming.  Sometimes it pushes you to the breaking point.  Or to make rash decisions.  Or to, in dark moments, seek out something to take the deepest pain away, even for a moment. 

Oh my God this feeling that I can't explain, it sucks.  This HUGE gigantic knot in my throat, the nearness of tears constantly, the never-ending ache in my chest- it all hurts.  All of it.  I do love him.  I do- but being without him sucks the life out of me.

I don't know what to do but endure each day as it comes.  I "get through" my days.  I don't ENJOY them.  I wish I could.  You have no idea how much I wish I could "en-joy" my days.  I love seeing my son.  I have fun with him.  We do fun things.  I love him.  But still I don't enjoy my life.  Because I am really sad.  All the time.  I force a smile most of the time.  I hide my sadness, and I am good at it.  Good at hiding how I feel.  I have to be since I have a regular normal life to live.  A life I know I am blessed to have yet still... there is not a lot of joy inside of me because I hurt.

Knowing James brought me tons of joy.  Oh yeah, I will readily admit- when he left he took my joy with him.  Because knowing him, spending time with him, being close to him- gave me the most joy I've ever known in my life!  I have never been that happy in my life.  So content and excited and happy!  He made life fun to live.  He... healed my sadness.  Took the sadness and loneliness away and replaced it with this perfect love!  Lifted me up.  Showed me my dreams.  And then he was gone and I've never gotten over it.  It hurts as much now, if not more, than when he left.  My joy disappeared and I was left with sadness over losing my gift, losing someone I love so much.  I fell in love with him and then he was gone but my feelings were still there.  My love was still huge.  To have the person you've fallen in love with just disappear is one of the most horrific experiences.  It still kills me- because I miss him with every beat of my heart, with everything inside of me.

I try not to feel like a victim because I know the things I've done that caused much of this to happen.  But what upsets me is I never MEANT it.  It was unconscious, most of it.  Or fear.  Or I couldn't handle the ongoing silence.  Or I felt hopeless.  I didn't understand the signs.  I was scared.  It was hard to believe.  It's so not "real life" as I knew it.  I didn't ask to be this "energy" or whatever I am.  So while I do know the things I did that got me here- it is still hard for me to take because I feel like I was created in a way that I never asked for.  I feel like I was creating change in my life before I could fully grasp what I was doing- and then I fucked it all up but I never meant to.

It took a LOT for me to finally realize and fully believe that even my thoughts alone could create change in my life.  That anything I say or write can and will be used against me even if it is private, even if it is only out of frustration or anger written in a journal.  I hate the I can't be free to express my anger because even if I just scream into my pillow I have to be worried that my frustrating will somehow come back to bite me in the ass.  I hate that.  Because sometimes I want to scream!  I am a good person!  Really I am.  I am helpful and kind, hardworking and responsible.  I try to live a good HONEST life.  I obviously am living a life of purity- I don't have sex.  I spend much of my time either at work, with my child or alone.  So I don't understand.  I'm a good person.  I would think I deserve to have a happy love in my life.

I just hurt.  I want to hear from James.  I want to talk with him.  I remember him as a very kind person, caring and friendly.  He always said, "friends forever, right?"  But friends talk.  They communicate and say hello and keep in touch- this feels so unreal and it makes me want to scream.  Because it is not RIGHT.  The man I met and knew and spent time with would be saying hello and asking how I am!  He would.  I hate the illusion.  I don't believe it but I hate it.  I hate the silence.  I'll never appreciate it, accept it or embrace it.  I deal with it because I have no other choice.  But I don't like it.

Silence is SO not golden.  That is total bullshit.  What is golden is sharing love.  Communication.  Being able to talk with someone you love.  Togetherness- that is golden.

I hate that I hurt.  I wish I didn't hurt.  I don't want to hurt anymore.  I don't want to cry.  I wish this lump in my throat would disappear; I wish this weight on my heart would vanish.  I wish I could laugh and easily smile.  I wish I had James back in my life.  I wish I could finally be shown TRUTH instead of fucking silence.

I don't like this.  I had like three months of bliss and then almost four years of sorrow, missing the person I fell in love with.  You won't find me being one of those people who try to put some light airy-fairy spiritual spin on this torture by saying, "Oh separation is such a beautiful experience."  Um, no.  I call bullshit.  I LOVED knowing James.  THEN I liked being a "twin soul" but funny, I didn't know I was one when I met James.  Spirit didn't let me in on that little nugget of information until after he was gone.  I thought we were just two normal people meeting, and that he'd stay with me like he said he wanted to.  I didn't know.  No matter if "they" tried to tell me or tried to guide me- I still couldn't grasp it or understand.  I experienced Heaven on earth when I had James here, in my life, loving me.  And I've known what my own private version of Hell feels like since he's been gone.

And it kills me inside, every day.

I just want to know my loving friend again.  I want to be able to talk to him and know him, truthfully.  Honestly.  With transparency.  Like before when we met.  I want it to be back like it was when we met.  When it was REAL and good and believable.  When it was truth.

I'm surprised I'm sane.  I hurt so bad.  I wish I could hear from him.  I feel hopeless and still I love him and want only him.  I just wish this quiet would end and I could actually talk to this person I am so in love with, who I cherish and adore.  How natural and normal is it for two people to talk, right?  Something so simple... yet it would feel like hitting the lottery to just get a simple hello from him right about now.  BETTER than hitting the lottery.

I'm here.  I know he loves me.  I am not going anywhere.  I do want James so I am holding on.  I hold on to... the belief that he loves me.  That is all I really have.  I have chosen to stay alone for almost four years based solely on hoping that this man can come back to me.  THAT is how much I love him.  Enough to put my faith in hope alone, and in the knowledge that I know he does love me even if he is not in my life right now.  In hoping and wishing and praying that someday he will be.

Jennifer

My Son

Thankfully I have my son. He is pretty much my reason for living right now. If he was not in my life I'm not sure I would stay here. I get so exhausted by how much I hurt and how sad I feel that sometimes I imagine how peaceful it would be to just not hurt anymore.

I know we all have our own private battles. I share mine here because I can't talk about this "in real life." I have to hide it. And I hurt every single day.

I don't know what to do. I honestly feel awful right now and I'm not allowing myself to drink so I have nothing to dull my pain of missing someone I love so much. Also having utterly no idea when I might hear from him again slays me. It is Hell.

I'm hurting. This hurts. I wish it didn't hurt anymore. I had no idea when I met him that I would be here in bed crying over missing him nearly four years later. No idea whatsoever.

I'm so sad.

Each night when I put my head on my pillow I tell myself I'm strong because I've gotten through one more day without you.

Jennifer

Time

Man I see things like this quote above and I want to cry!! I loved sitting next to James on my couch talking and kissing. I know I say this over and over but being with him truly was the best time of my life. I have never been happier.

I remember a time when the quiet first began where six weeks of silence felt like an eternity. I've never felt like I couldn't reach out to him so I would try here and there. I still do although it is different now because I don't have email for him any longer and I wish I did but I kind of messed that one up myself, and it wasn't because I contacted him too much or anything like that. At this point I try to work on my thoughts and energy and intention in the hope that one day it will shift and I can hear from him again. It pretty much is all I have.

It's been almost a year now since I've heard from him. The silence is deafening. I'd pay to hear from him! I've never been able to accept the silence gracefully. It makes me crazy. But yesterday I read something about twin flames that really caught my attention. It was on a forum so a woman was responding to someone else. She said "You don't realize that he has been trying to come back to you. He tries to get closer but it doesn't work and then he disappears." And I believe that is what happened with me and James over and over again- he tried to come closer. So many times he tried to come back but my energy and thoughts and fear kept him away. And man does it hurt to know that.

Despite the chaos we went through I still miss his messages that say "I'm coming home soon and want to see you." It let me know he was still there. That hasn't happened in a while although I wish it would.

I know some people who read my blog must think this is all him. But it's not and only those who are really in a mirror connection like I am can understand. I know what I've done to creates changes I don't like. It doesnt make me happy to know it but I definitely can see it. There has been a pattern all along.

So I ask myself now- why the ongoing silence? I think about James all the time. I remember him as the sweet man I met and dated. I remember our first emails back and forth and our first hours-long phone calls and how crazy I was over him even before meeting him. None of that equates with what came later. Only the sweet man I dated feels real to me. He was actually here, in my life. Not just words on a screen.

Ugh. I know this hasn't been easy on him either. Do I wonder how this feels to him? Of course I do. I've always been curious how this feels to him. I'm going to assume it doesn't feel good. I know we didn't know each other long but even he said it felt like we squeezed six years of love into six weeks. It felt longer, like I'd known him forever. We grew deeply attached quickly and I'm far from over him. My heart hurts.

Right now all I can do is be really careful with my energy and intention. I have to live on hope alone. I love James and hope that I can hear from him again.

From past experience I feel I'm meant to avoid other male contact. I know this sounds strange or over the top but I'm even avoiding certain situations like I don't want to go to a bar. Unless it's with James. Otherwise no, not like this. So karaoke is out for now. I just don't feel good in the energy of alcohol and a bunch of single people. Seems better for me to skip those things for now. I'm just trying to be careful. And I'm tired. Emotionally I'm tired.

Weird stuff still happens to me and I can only imagine why.  It is like I'm being tested or poked or prodded somehow and I don't always like it and I don't understand because I want James. I want no other male energy in my life. I do not need guy friends, don't want any. The one guy who occasionally IMs me got so irritating that I (respectfully) told him I don't appreciate his perverted humor and I asked him to leave me alone. I never asked to know him in the first place. I don't want to know any man unless it is James. But it is still frustrating to cry for James and write in my journal and tell the universe I really do love him so much... but then get others instead of him.

That hurts.

Yesterday was kind of lonely. I took a bath and read. I met a friend in the morning for breakfast and to catch up. Then went to work for a while in the afternoon. I just feel blah. I have no passion for anything besides my child. I'm sad. I'm very very sad. My heart aches. There is a huge void in my life. I want to share life with James. I miss my friend. Nothing else fills that void. I'm discontent. Antsy. Depressed. I'm blue. I wish my free time was spent with him having fun and loving each other. I wish we had a family together. I wish he was here like we said when we met. That we would get married and have a family. I k ow that is what he wanted. So it breaks my heart that it's like this now. Four years and silence. It makes me sick, heartsick because I love him and miss him so much. I wish we could sit and talk and kiss each other like we used to. Sometimes the ache I have for him is so deep and intense that it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. With no contact on top of that it is Hell. To want to talk with him but not be able to just reach out and say hi and get a reply is still hard. Because I want to talk with him. I want to see his face. I want to hear his voice. I want him to hug me again. I want him. Only him. And it hurts.

I wish he could be here now.  I wish he could be a part of my life again like he once was. I'd do anything to have that back! Phone calls and visits and doing fun stuff together. It was normal and right!! He enjoyed coming to see me. He was sweet and made time for me. He wanted to! He text me good morning every morning and good night every night. Best boyfriend ever. He was generous and thoughtful and brought me gifts. Sweetest guy ever. And very patient. Gentle. Respectful. I miss him so so much. It hurts. A lot. I miss his sweet long wonderful kisses. I'd do pretty much anything to kiss him again. I miss his beautiful face!!

I wish I could hear from him again.

Jennifer

Wishing

I am in so much pain right now.  I feel like when I am not working or with my son I want to just be by myself.  There is no way for me to explain how I feel.  Very little passion to do much.

I miss James.  I love him and I miss him.  I wish I could see him, like last year.  I don't understand how last year he just suddenly was here.  I am tired.  I'm so sad.

I wish I could say more.  All I can say is I wish he was here holding me and kissing me.  Missing him hurts a lot.  My heart aches for him.

I wish this would change back to how it was when we met.  I miss my sweet kind loving friend.  I wish he was here.

Seriously, this is so pathetic.  I don't have my son this weekend and I'm so lonely that I am at work trying to keep busy because sitting around alone is about to kill me. 

Jennifer

Positivity & Love

I think there is a difference between being positive and being loving. My blog often does not sound positive. I'm aching a lot and it's hard to be upbeat and "rah rah rah" about life when I'm aching and missing the person I love. That's me being honest. I can't take how I feel. I can hide how I feel; I do so every day when I go to work and do my job through whatever emotions I'm feeling that day.

Maybe I should be more positive. I'm trying. I remind myself to count my blessings and be grateful for what I have even when I'm hurting. I was really tired tonight and went to sleep at 9pm but then woke at midnight which sucks. That normally happens if I've been drinking alcohol which was not the case tonight. I've been working at avoiding drinking (especially at home) so I'm not sure why I'm up. I wish I was sleeping because when I wake in the middle of the night loads of worries flood my mind. And I just lay here thinking about James.

I think about how perfect we are for each other. I am hit with all of these thoughts about our perfect love and how happy we were and I want to scream. Because it doesn't match with these last years. Maybe no one else can understand this but it feels so frustrating to KNOW something so strongly even if it's not here right now. We never had an ending; there was no real reason to. Love doesn't just end due to time or distance. Those things didn't change is. We had no falling out. Feelings didn't change. So it feels unreal. I can't accept it because it's not normal or right.

I've said this multiple times on my blog: when I hear from James and he feels like the man I met then I will be able to accept whatever he tells me. That means he will feel kind, gentle, friendly, caring, warm and loving. When I met him he was the epitome of all those things. It is why I fell in love with him. Because he is perfectly gentle and kind. Funny, passionate but also very caring.

A while back I was writing in my journal and I said James was very careful with me, in more than one way. He was "full of care" in that he treated me well, like he cared for me. When you love someone you want to make her feel good so you make caring gestures like bringing her son Pop Rocks or taking her out for dinner or being super attentive- taking care of her emotional needs, and he did. But he was also careful with my feelings and heart. He was always making sure I was okay, felt comfortable with whatever he was doing or saying, was patient with me and verbaluzed it so any worries could be alleviated and he was overall... just very caring. After I wrote this down, that he was careful in different ways, my son stopped playing with his trains and said, clear out of the blue, "Mom the word careful can mean two different things." He went on to tell me it can mean "being careful" or also being nice to someone.

I still wonder why my son sometimes "repeats" things I've privately written in my journal. He has also done this after I've sent a text that he knows nothing about. I don't have a solid answer to this, only speculation. I clearly know it happens and it's "not of this world." I realize he only repeats loving things I've written or loving things I've focused on. The only conclusion I can come to is he is showing me what is right to focus on by reiterating it back to me. I think! Otherwise I don't know why it would be emphasized through him. And the last time it happened was when I wrote that James was careful with me, giving me care and attention while also protecting my feelings.

Protecting my feelings doesn't equate with falling off the face of the earth. That is my point. I KNOW the sweet kind man I dated and he doesn't match with the ongoing silence. It makes no sense. I still firmly believe the quiet is for a different reason than personal intent. I'll always hold his truth close to my heart. I am never sad because I feel unloved. No. I believe James has always loved me and still does. I'm sad because he is not in my life. I'm sad because I ache to hold him and miss him and know him again. I miss his gorgeous face, sweet smile, wonderful voice and perfect kisses. I long to talk with him like we used to talk, totally open. Hours and hours we would talk. He would ask me not to hang up yet, just a little bit longer. We were always in contact, loved being together and when apart we were emailing or on the phone or texting. He said good morning and good night literally every day after we started talking, a bright ball of goodness. God life was so much more beautiful with him in it.

I'm sad because I miss James' loving presence in my life. Knowing he loves me is all fine and dandy. It takes the fear away.  But I'm left with this hopeless feeling of... when can I hear from him again? Believe me I'd bet my life on the fact that some of my intentions and actions have worked to keep him away, and all I can hope is I can change things for the better. I want to. But I need the opportunity to do so. I am Asking the universe for another chance. But while I wait for that chance... I ache. I miss him. I'm worried because I have no idea when I might see his face again and every day without him in my life hurts. A lot. I'm so worn out by the end of the day because my emotions wipe me out. I read something today that said "Being the best mom I can while my heart is breaking has been the hardest role of my life." I know how that feels. My heart aches; I don't think it is broken but my heart always hurts and it is a challenge to balance my life's responsibilities with my feelings of longing to know this man again, knowing this situation is so not normal or... real, loving James so much and knowing he loves me too. I feel like we should be together. That would make sense. That would match with the relationship we had, the one that never had a reason to end.

So I wake at midnight unable to fall back to sleep with all these thoughts and memories in my mind when all I really want is to hear from James. I'm tired of wanting. Wishing. Hoping. I'm so ready to actually hear from him, have some truth.

I was talking with my roommate today and I said I feel like hermit mode again. Being social or going out (like to an adult party with friends where I have to get fixed up and go out and not drink too much but stay out too late, etc.) is too much right now. She is part of the dating world and I said I can't imagine it. I have no desire to "get to know" any of those yahoos out there. I've been irritated here and there by guys who contact me. First of all I have no desire to chit chat with any man besides James. I met a guy at Christmas who was at my sister's party, a friend of hers. He then added me on Facebook and messaged me. I've told him like three times that no I won't be coming over for dinner. I've let him know I have no intentions on being flirty; I've blatantly told him that I'm in love with someone. He irritates me partially because he is not James and partially because sometimes he can be annoying. It actually hurts when he messages me. I want it to be James. This is mean but I have no desire to keep in contact with this man. Yet I didn't want to be rude since he's friends with my sister. Yesterday he sent me something I didn't like and I finally told him to leave me alone. He is like... a reflection of why I miss James so much. Because James was... ugh so fun to talk to. Respectful and funny. Friendly but polite. Everything I want... and plenty of what is lacking in much of the dating pool.

I want my perfection. I don't want to talk with anyone else. Don't want to be friends with any guys- I have no need for it. I have enough friends right now. I miss James. It hurts being like this, knowing nothing about him, not hearing from him, aching and longing for him but that pain is something I have to deal with. I really have nothing to distract me from my emotions, the love, ache, desire and missing him. If I don't have James then I'd rather be alone with just myself and my friends and family, thankfully I have my son.

When I think that it's been four years it kinda makes me wanna throw myself under a truck. Four years. I can't even. It is so sad to me. Tragic. It should have been four years of love and togetherness. Sharing life together. That is what I want in my heart so I'm sad that due to him being this mirroring connection it wasn't able to be that way. I know we love each other. When it starts to feel like... Hell realizing I'm not getting any younger and I've spent four years alone without my companion and I'm not getting any younger I have one thing that consoles me- I've spent a lot of quality time with my child. That is the only thing that gets me through, and my child is the only reason why I haven't killed myself at my lowest moments. Still I wish James was here with us as a family instead of me and PJ by ourselves. I wish he was here with us. Together. I long for "together." The quiet separation is literally Hell on earth- I despise it. I'll never appreciate it. Never accept it. It is abnormal and not his intention, that I would get my life on. And other people with the same connection to another human being are experiencing the same unearthly quiet. I don't know why it has to be like this and I don't like it but I love James. I wish I could talk with him again. I wish this fucking silence would break. I love him so much and this all hurts.

So no I can't be "positive." I can be loving and say honestly that I adore James and probably always will. I had someone tell me he is my guardian angel and that title suits him. When we dated I told him he was my Atheist angel. Because he was perfect. God knows I had no clue what he really was to me nor did I have any idea what was going to happen. God also knows I still have some resentment towards the divine (or whatever it is) for choosing this path for me. I humanly did not ask for a twin soul mirror. That was given to me against my human will and I'm forced to deal with it because I love this man but I'm still not accepting of the fact that I did not ask for this on a human level. I really am not. Hence why I say I'm not "positive" even though I truly love James. I love James. He is easy to love. Whatever else is out there: God, the universe, higher self- I WISH I could "love" it but I don't. I'm thankful for my blessings. Grateful for the good things I have in life. But I can't find it inside myself to love "whatever" how I love my son or James. What I'm trying to do is listen; I hope despite my inability to have warm loving feelings towards "the divine" that I'm still guided because I am trying to listen. I just don't like that this twin soul experience was forced on me. I love James and am glad I met him but he could have been a different connection, one that was able to stay. Whatever the reason for it (accelerated "healing" or him showing me how to let go of my fears and focus on love, being shown I have to be a conscious manifestor) whatever it is honestly for- it could have been done differently, preferably with him by my side, in my life. That is not the case though and I try to deal with it but it leaves no loving feelings from me towards God. I can't help it. I've tried. All I can do is tell God I'm sorry for how I feel. I'm trying to be respectful in my energy. I'm trying to listen and I fight this feeling of being toyed with. Because when you want something really badly and you focus on it and pray over it and talk to "God" and ask for what you want and cry "He is who I want in my life. I love him and miss him so much" but then you are immediately contacted by someone else, someone NOT James- it makes me want to punch God in the throat.

Not very positive I know.

I'm seeking neutrality right now while telling myself there must be some good reason for it because supposedly the divine loves us and God doesn't hurt us. Hard to see it from a higher perspective when all I want is James (or at least honest truth from him directly) and instead I get someone else reaching out to me or showing interest in me- that hurts so much. I just hope God knows how much that hurts me. I'm exhausted with this experience. I wish it could be done and James back in my life. He is all I want. He really is. I have everything else I really need in life but I'm missing this huge part of my life, my personal happiness. Forget lecturing me about making my own happiness. I met James and finally found my dream come true, the love of my life. He added so much happiness to my life and since he's been gone it has felt like my own personal Hell, happiness disappeared. Missing him all the time with really nothing besides having hope and love for him is pretty killer, and honestly I don't have a lot of hope. I'm just holding on because I love James and only want him.

Not happy though. Can't force it. I am getting so fucking frustrated. I wish I had more clarity. I wish I could hear from James. He is who I want. He is, only him. I'd rather be alone than with someone who isn't him. I can't stand the thought. He is so perfectly wonderful and irreplaceable and it all makes me so sad. So positive I am not. I'm just trying to get through this as well.as I can without hating God for making me be a twin soul. I feel like I'm enduring life instead of enjoying it because no matter what I do I'm still hurting inside and that ache colors everything especially when it gets stronger.

I love James though. That has been one constant. Whether he is in my life or not, no matter what I love him.

Jennifer

Heartache

I'm hurting tonight. Sad beyond belief. Hopeless inside. I should be sleeping because I start my new position tomorrow and have to drive farther and start my day earlier. Instead I'm crying. So now I'll have puffy eyes too. I feel like shit.

Oh yes it's been a "fun" weekend of picnics and fireworks and shopping for fireworks. PJ loves The 4th of July!! But inside no matter how much fun we are having I'm still crying silently because I miss James. And it kills my heart. It hurts so much.

And I swear weird shit happens to me. These things cannot be coincidence. I'm not going to go into detail but it's so fucking hard to not feel like I'm taunted, poked, pushed and prodded by spirit. And it is hard to not want to punch an angel when it happens. Because I don't understand it yet I know something is happening but it often just feels like I'm being toyed with and it's hard to see that from a higher perspective when I'm hurting and aching and begging God to let me hear from James.

I am weary. I am. I'm tired. I don't mean that shitty like "I'm tired of this!" No. I literally feel emotionally exhausted and worn out. In my heart. It hurts so bad to miss James because I still love him so much. I long to kiss him again. I wish we were together. Or at least in contact with each other. But it seems I can shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster. I've wished on every star and penny over the last four years; my son even wishes for me. He says "Dear God please let James come back." It is bittersweet.

And I'm at this harsh point where if I'm not hearing from James then I want no other male contact with "guys." It pushes my limits big time and I've decided from now on if/when someone reaches out to me I'll probably ignore it. Entirely. I KILLS ME to beg God for James, to write and pray and cry but then hear from someone who is not James. I'm serious it's hard not to feel ragey when that happens. I'm trying to believe it holds some higher purpose beyond hurting me. Because it does hurt. A lot. If I don't want to engage a man in conversation of any kind then I don't have to. It upsets me. I want to talk to James. James is who I want in my life, who I want to hear from. He is who I care about. Only him. I only want to talk with James or laugh with him or have him send me funny links or memes or pictures or jokes. Only James, my James!! And God knows this, clearly. I've loved James since I met him. I ache to hear his sweet voice and see his beautiful face or have HIM call me honey again. James. I want to hear it from him and him only.

Oh you have no idea how my sanity, patience and temper is being tested. I am only interested in knowing James. I wish we could go out; I wish I could be pretty for him, my love. We should be together. It is sad that we aren't. He told me after he met me that he had finally found the woman to be his wife. That he had wished for me and I came to him. Sweetest man ever. All I want. It breaks my heart being away from him. I only tolerate this because I have to be alive. Honestly if I didn't have a child I'm not sure I would choose to stay on earth. It hurts and feels hopeless and there are days when it feels like I don't want this life experience anymore of having a twin soul mirror with the shitty painful gut-wrenching silence. But I'm a mom. So I'm here.

And it fucking hurts being without him.

Jennifer