I get signs, still. It is mainly the songs. I stumbled across this one today, forgot which song it was but it reminds me so much of James. I sound like a broken record but I miss my sweetest friend. I really really miss my friend. It's not the romance (although I do still remember his sweet kisses) but the love. And him as a person. I miss my friend.
Sometimes I have dreams too.
Let me tell you something, come closer so I can whisper it. It's pretty important, and it's something most people don't understand but now I do. Here it is: just because you "move on" doesn't mean you "let go." Spiritual people, those who throw the jargon around, they like to use those two terms, "let go" and "move on." But letting go and moving on are two very different things. I had to move on with my life or else I think I would have died. It would have killed me, staying where I was- staying alone, trying and trying and trying. I was lonely although I was getting happier and healthier. So I ended up moving on, even if it was not my plan. But at the same time I have not, and I will not ever, "let go." The beauty of it is I do not have to let go.
I never ever ever have to let go of my love for James, and that brings me a strong sense of peace. I can love him. I can hope to see him again. I can wish to hear his voice or get a text from him or sit down and talk to him or wrap my arms around him in the hugest warmest most loving hug ever. And it's okay. I am very very very blessed because the man I have in my life who loves me, and I love him, has told me it is okay. I am free to love James. He realizes that I can't change my heart and he loves me anyway, and I found that I am able to love two people at the same time. One who resides in my heart and one who is part of my life.
My fiance' and I talked about this again not long ago. We are getting married soon, and marriage is, of course, a huge step. But I love him and he loves me and while I would be happy to live together and love together he really wants to be married. He adores me, and I am so lucky to be loved by such a dear good sweet man. But we talked and I told him I still feel the same exact way I did the day we met almost four years ago- I still love James, and I still hope to one day know him again. Dave says he understands and if that day were to come we'd deal with it. He says he'd want me to follow my heart and be happy, and he'd love me no matter what. How blessed am I? It frees my heart knowing that I don't have to lock away my heart, or lie; I can be true to myself and my heart and it's okay. I am so thankful for that, and for this dear man.
I do get signs though, and dreams, and the songs. And I ask for my Higher Self to please guide me. I feel like I get nudges to continue to think of James and his goodness, and to love him dearly, no matter what my real life is like. To just be love, to all. To love my fiance' and to also love James. Like I am not supposed to forget him or push his memory to the side.
It is wonderful but... bittersweet at the same time because I do miss him. I wish I could hug him.
Please know that if you have a special soul connection with someone like I do James, even if it's been a while, and even if you feel this person is your twin flame or twin soul- it really is okay to love someone else if you are lead there. Have clear intentions. Don't do it to "run" from the connection, or as a distraction. Be honest in your intentions and if it happens then it's okay. For me I am definitely blessed because I can be honest with David, and that's a huge gift that I am thankful for. My fiance' is an angel. Guilt is a really yucky feeling and I am blessed that I don't have to feel guilty because I still love James. I guess love, real sweet good love, is positive no matter what.
I hope James is happy. I hope he is well-loved. I hope his life is joyful and fulfilling. I do miss my friend though and hope for the day when I can hear his sweet voice again and see his shining smile, and beautiful blue eyes.
xxoo
