Saturday, May 28, 2016

Kisses


Oh my God I miss him and his kisses. I miss him so much. I have been reading through my journals and can see exactly what energies have created where I am right now. I understand why I heard the word "hubris" some months ago. I could be a little more humble and gentle inside. Respectful of this process. Grateful when I get any contact. Honoring the union. I can see that. I seriously doubt I'll have any more angry ego flare ups again. I am exhausted and they need to be done now.

I pray to have another opportunity to move forward in my union. Closer to being together again. I will do anything to get through this to the other side where my twin is meant to be my future. I have no qualms in saying I'm entirely in love with him and would do anything in my power to change this even if it means doing whatever inner work is necessary. I want my dreams to come true with him! I feel like we are so meant to be together. It feels like he should be with me, like something is missing from me. I need him in my life.

His kisses are my heaven. He is my everything. It takes a strong good love to make a stubborn woman beg God and say just show me what to do and I'll do it. Please help me. God chose the perfect motivation for me, this sweet adorable loving scientist. My guidance knew how much he would mean to me. He means the world to me. I want a life with him in it.

I'm trying to listen. Praying for temperance and humbleness. A loving and peaceful inner even if I do miss him so much.

I miss him, his loving presence and those sweet sweet kisses.

My Love.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Tears

I sometimes still look at forums on the web to see how others are doing.  I read this today and want to repost it here because it totally explains my journey.  And I miss him so much that I feel like I am falling apart inside.  I love him and I miss him, and it's far beyond my ability to control so I know it comes from soul.  This person, whoever wrote this, sums up perfectly my twin soul experience, and through it all I still just love him so much, just so much.  I know it has been to do things for me.  I honestly do know that.  And I am trying to see those things and be ultra aware, but no matter how aware I am or how hard I try and how badly I want to just get through this- I still always love him, and I still always miss him.  And I miss him so much right now.  I miss my Love so much.  It did feel like home when he held me to his chest a while back.  Held me in his arms.  Like home.  Like I am meant to be in those arms, being kissed by him, always. 

I love him so very much.  And let me tell you- I have seen the life without the dream.  I have been given a good glimpse of what it feels like, and it feels like death to me.  It feels so Hellish that I will do whatever it takes to clear me so I can have the life WITH the dream.  WITH the dream.  That is my hope and prayer.

Much thanks goes out to whoever wrote this.  She totally describes exactly EXACTLY what is happened to me with my own divine counterpart, my silly lovely loving twin soul. Believe me I know it is a magical and divine experience.  I do.  But being so close to it... I'm really really living what is written here.  He is showing me what I need to be rid of in order to be the butterfly he told me he dreamed about.  I was shown in the beginning that this was going to be about Awakening, about me healing what no longer serves me.  I am honestly doing the best I can.  Right now I am HOPING and praying that what I think I see is right, that the anger I let flare up in me is one of the reasons why this got so intense.  Although it is illusion I know- and I am hoping in seeing it, being aware and letting all of it go that maybe that will help, maybe it will open me to allow my twin soul to come closer to me again so he can be who he really is, if I clear out the gunk and be more of who I really am.

I can only pray and work hard at being humble, peaceful and tempered.

I miss my tender, gentle, loving kind caring compassionate empathetic sweet friend.  I wish wish wish every day to be blessed with his truth again.  You have no idea how badly I want that.

I dream of the moment when I can stand there wrapped in his gentle caring arms forever.  The moment where we can walk this journey together again.  I dream of it.  I just wanna have us hold each other where we never ever have to let go.  That is my prayer.

You are missed and loved and cherished ever so much my sweet friend.  

TF Our Mirror to activate an awakening of SELF-  by Akira

Yep, they are indeed the mirror that shows us all the parts of ourselves that we have been hiding in the sock draw ... lol...

We hide all our stuff and they swoop in on their white horses, holding their swords and beckoning us to hop on. We of course submit and jump on and then it all starts...

First the magic the sun looks brighter, the air feels like a gentle caress and their voice well it sings across your skin. You are in the throws of exultation.. Each swimming in the magic of one another's eyes. It's as if you are in a dream.. One that you want to stay in forever. You have never experienced such delight, everything in your world has changed and it all makes you feel as if you are invincible...

Then you tumble off the horse right into the mud and you look up the sun is fading and they're not helping you. In fact they have ridden away and left you on the ground caked in mud. And the pain in your heart is so visceral, so strong you howl, tears pouring down your face. How could all that love leave me here alone, how your heart yearns for the dream again. Yet, it's gone and you get up and your heart is heavy everything looks the way it did before the colors are dull and the world feels heavy. So you walk in one shoe as the other is now stuck in the mud. You yearn and scream and make a life. Each day maybe healing a little more, but always a little lost ...

Then you meet each other and you cry 'why', they scream back at you the same 'why' and the mirror is activated and all the darkness that is within you starts to tumble out towards you. At first you turn your back, you tell it you will not heal, you will not do the stuff it asks of you... NO, you won't...

The mirror sings a dark melody and shows you life without the dream and you sink to your knees knowing that you a have a choice of the life that you are going to live. You can have the dream or you can stay stuck in the mud. Your heart collapses, it knows what it wants, it calls to you.

Initially you stare at the reflection, you judge it, you yell at it and you try to fix it!!! Then suddenly you become aware that you are still stuck in the mud, where is the light you ponder. It's in you, the mirror screams. Annoyed you just scream right back at it... As you collapse on the floor from the pain in your heart and allow the tears to flow from your eyes you lose consciousness...

When you awaken, you see yourself in the mirror and a code activates through your body and at last you understand that it is you that you have to heal, it is you who has to walk alone to have that love. So you pack your bag and you take that journey of healing and you move through the pain, interspersed with a lil laughter so your soul remembers. You walk and you walk not knowing just where you are going ...

As the time ebbs away the light starts to get brighter and brighter and all the old pain starts to fall away and then there in the light you see a glimmer..

No, you whisper .. 'I'm sure I just saw those eyes'.. so familiar, yet still a little way off. You tumble a little and then you feel it all the angels wrapped around you carrying you closer and closer, you can almost taste it now.

And then the connection like bubbles his/her arms wrapped around you a feeling of weightlessness spinning you around, the hours you stand there wrapped in each other seems like minutes and you know that you are HoMe...


Aaaaaaaaaah, still there is the journey, but you are closer now and now you live in the dream together, the mud will appear sometimes, but less and less with each commitment from you to heal that which does not serve you… Keep going, keep mastering. Look no matter where you are, no matter who you are with they are still there holding your hand. It's a thread so fine, so golden the connection beyond time and space

And then the Divine Counterparts melt into one another as they pour their love into the world to share with everyone... A golden arc connecting them to all the people in all the lands...

All my love and my heart Ak (thank you for letting me share this with you) xxx

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Back to Reality


I have to make sure I am keeping my focus where it needs to be in order for me to manifest my happiness.

I sometimes ask myself- it is strange that I spend so much time and energy and focus on this ONE thing?  James, a life with him?  But here is the thing- I already have pretty much everything else I want in life.  I have a nice home, a good solid career, a steady income that affords me the stuff I want in life.  Would I like more money or a newer home or more vacations or "nicer things?"  Well sure, wouldn't we all?  But NONE of those things will bring me extra happiness!  You wanna know why?  Because for me happiness=love.  I want LOVE, strong romantic love, in my life.  Stuff does not make me happy.  More money won't make me happy.  Taking trips alone are not necessarily going to make me happy.

COMPANIONSHIP and love makes me happy.  Having an awesome man in my life to come home to at night is what makes me happy.  Only cuddling up with my teddy bear at night makes me sad.  I love having my son to snuggle with but it is not the same.  I want a strong man in my life.  That is really all I want besides what I already have in my life.  I have really great family and ever better friends!  I have people who love me.  But I want my loving MAN.  My companion.  My "other half."

Because of that fact- this is why I am so focused on this one thing, and this one thing only.  Man I can mow my own grass or make my own money or somehow come up with money when I need it.  I don't really spend a lot of money so we normally have money to do what we want.  God has provided for me, always.  So I don't need to "manifest" more money or a better job or nicer home.  I like what I have now.  I am thankful and content with what I have now.  My home might be old and needs some work {I could manifest some home repairs maybe, lol} but I love my home.  I really do.  It is a good warm comfortable big safe house and I am thankful for it.  So I guess that is why I am not really interested in manifesting anything else.  I have what I want... except for one major thing.

I want my husband.  A real family with a man and woman as the foundation.  I really have my heart set on being a mother again... and the older I get the more nervous I am that... time is passing me by.  And I don't like that.  I really am a good woman, a great person, and I wish all of my dreams could just come true with the blink of an eye.  I wish I had this manifestation stuff down so all my dreams could come back to me.  I had them, once.  He was here with me, everything I ever asked for.  He literally spoke every single dream I have to me.  My husband, my son's step daddy, a child together.  I can't forget that, no matter what has happened I absolutely can't forget those things with him.  I want them so much.  I want him so much.

I want him back.  James is my dream come true and I know that the only way I have any chance of having him back in my life is if I focus right.  Focus only on truth and love, and that's a challenge right now.  And I don't have any "proof."  I only have faith and my heart's longings.  And my heart longs for him.  Dearly.  Honestly there are times I wish my heart did not want him quite as much as it does but I don't seem to have any control over it.  I think of us sitting at the bar not long ago and my knee kept hitting his and I wanted to melt into him- and I remember how that felt.  Like I could barely breathe every time I looked into his eyes.  I want him so much.  I love him so much- I can't stop loving him.  I have no desire to spend time with any other man.  I just want James.  I can't help it.  Kissing him feels too right.  Like I am meant for him.

Which means, to me, that I have to stop talking about anything that has happened over this last year and just try to focus forward.  Focus on my dreams.  Focus on how absolutely wonderful it felt to kiss him recently, and remember how perfect he was when he was in my life, my boyfriend.  It is the only thing that could possibly bring him back to me.  I firmly believe in the manifestation energy right now so I gotta try my best.  Love only.  And God knows I do love him.

I told myself, or God, or James- whoever it is I talk to a large part of my day- that whatever has happened recently matters nothing to me, besides when he was here and in my arms.  THAT matters a lot to me.  Kissing him and touching him and making love with him means everything to me.  ALL that matters to me is that he can be in my life again like he was before, happy, loving, kind, gentle, friendly, open... my sweetheart.  That is what is important to me.

Still, as always, I pray for a shift in this.  I ache to talk to my loving friend again.  I love James and miss him so very much.  I pray for my miracle.

Jennifer

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Thinking


I have a lot of good memories of times with James, even after this separation happened.  They are kind of bittersweet though.  We reconnected some months after this began.  I look back and know it definitely was based on my energy but I still don't know exactly how it came about.  It was only six months later though.  I knew deep inside that I had to change something because I would fall into tons of fear inside.  And fear in me often turns into a sort of anger.  It is a scared anger.  I'd done that quite a bit, and as I look back I can see where I was being shown to NOT do it because my energy is strong.  What happened was me and James were "talking" a bit again.  We'd end up on the phone here and there, and the occasional email exchange.  My guidance was trying so hard with me to give up my fear.  I had a terrible week of falling into fear over and over again.  And a friend of mine was vacationing near where James said he would be living.  She reached out to me twice via Facebook and told me she could "feel" me.  She said something was wrong and she could totally feel my fearful energy.  She knew something was wrong.  And my guidance told me- if she can feel you then how do you think all of this coming from you feels to your twin?

At the end of a week of fear I got a message from him that was very "off."  It did not match the energy that had come from him just the week before so I took stock of myself and told myself something needed to change.  So I tried for a few weeks to be as calm as I could.  I would not let myself fall into fear.  I thought of him with love.  I bought a new notebook and started writing about my experience as if I would share it in a book, a book about how God tries to heal us through our soul mates.  It felt good to write it, and it was from a perspective of love.  I wrote about how I knew my parents were hurts souls too, and that is why they hurt us.  They did not know any better.  They did not know how to be parents.  If I would have had my son at the age my mother had me I would have been abusive to him too.  I would not have been healed enough to raise him with only love.  She had me when she was about 22-23 and she did not know how to love me the right way.  And my father had tons of issues too.  He had a horrid painful traumatic relationship with his own alcoholic abusive father, and to top it all off my dad spent a two year-long stint in Vietnam that I am surprised did not kill him.  It makes me feel very bad for my poor dad because of the horror he witnessed while in our military.  He was just a kid, barely 18.  And he saw his friends get blown up around him while he survived.  And there was a lot of fear, never knowing when he might die.  But then there is the irony of true love.  My mom and dad met in high school and my mom was the only girl in her high school class to have an engagement ring on her finger.  My dad is older than her so she was still in high school when he went to Vietnam.  Can you imagine?  And recently she told me that they knew if my dad's monthly checks from the military were sent to his childhood home that his father would cash them and spend them, probably on booze or one of the other kids in the family.  So my dad had the checks sent to my mother who was so young, either in high school or fresh out of high school.  She put them in a savings account every month for him, and that is the money they used to put a down payment on my childhood home, the home where they still live in Indiana.  A good home.  Lots has happened in that home.

My parents have been through Hell together.  My word.  You have no idea!  We went through Hell with them but all is well now.  My family is pretty close, and my parents are still very much in love which is cute to see.  After all they have been through together they made it through and love each other more for it, and that is a huge blessing that many people cannot own.  So as I look back I can see why things happened as they did.  My mom had an abusive childhood too with an alcoholic father who wanted her to be a son so she was humiliated often.  There was no soft gentle love there for her so she did not know how to have that love for me either.  I am her first child.  My mother had a really really terrible temper when I was growing up.  She could be scarily angry, and she was very volatile and violent.  And yes sometimes, once in a while, I can feel that in me.  Not as much now but it has been there and I am sure it is a strong intense energy.  Not a good energy.  But I realize why things happen as they do.  I was the first child so I experienced what it feels like to be raised by people who are not at all healed.  Even if they mean well.  Even if they have good hearts, which they do.  They always have.  They both had a lot of wounds which allowed them to abuse us.  I went through a lot of pain and fear as a child, and I pray every day now that all of that can be over now.  I really would love to live a fearless life now, a happy life.  One where I can just be treated with kindness and no hard mirroring, and no silence either.  Where I can actively have love in my life.  This has been a long journey for me.

But.  Rewind back to where I had started writing about all this.  I was writing about how God helps to heal us through soul mates and I knew that is what James is for me, a soul mate, twin soul, strong soul connection, a "divine instrument of God's healing," in order to help heal me of some lingering "stuff" inside of me.  I knew that.  I was feeling compassion and grace.  I felt love for him even though I missed him and was still scared.  And I decided to reach out to him after a few weeks and he responded and he sounded way more like the James I knew.  Sweet kind James.  Goof ball James.  Friendly friendly James.  It is incredible to me how different the energy is when it is my fear and anger being projected back at me instead of only love.  Of course it is scary.  Why wouldn't it be?  I think at times my energy can be scary.  But maybe at this time it wasn't as scary and he was able to be love again.  And I could tell.

So we reconnected for a few weeks and it felt like Heaven again.  We talked on the phone for hours!  One night we talked all night long until I had to wake to go to work.  He asked to see me and I sent a photo and he said, "Look at you- you are beautiful even first thing in the morning," and I told him it was because I had not been to sleep!  We talked for like five hours that night and he text me, "We must totally love each other.  That was a five hour long phone call."  And his sweet little texts.  We'd talk for a while and then after hanging up he never wanted to say goodnight.  He'd text me and say the most outrageously sweet things!  And I could feel how much he loved me.  It was glaringly obvious that he was absolutely longing for me and missed me and wished to get home to me.  He told me he was coming back soon and he needed to see me.  He told me how lucky he was that he would be coming home soon to see "His love."  And he told me he loved me to infinity times eternity and that he wanted me to be his forever, "I want you to be mine forever."  He told me he wanted to say good night to me in person every night and kiss me good morning every morning and make love every night.  He called me his future again.  He wrote me and email and said, "I love you.  I miss you.  I want you to be my future."

Oh... my heart!  Do you have any idea what that does to my heart?  I ask myself- how in the world did I allow it to get here?  How?  What could I have done different?  Why did I not listen to my guidance?  Was I stubborn?  Or just afraid?  Of course I was afraid.  Why would I ever want to ruin my good thing or throw away my gift?  I never wanted that.  Of course.

But I just could not grasp it.  I was still scared!  I still had this worry, and of course knowing no better I'd write out my worries.  And then came "the moment" where my energy really just went and blew it.  I remember perfectly.  We'd been talking again for a few weeks and he called me his girlfriend again, out of the blue.  On his own.  No discussion about it {and that makes me want to just cry right now- I wish I'd held on better, more tightly, believed more!} and I was, of course, over the moon to think of myself as "his" again.  But one night he'd emailed me.  I checked my mail and it was an innocent enough message.  He was supposed to send me something, a video of himself.  I'd already sent him a few of me.  He wrote to me and told me he'd made the video but it would not attach and he'd try again later.  Well... I wrote back sweetly.  Told him no big deal.  But on the inside I yelled out to the universe that he was lying.  That he did not care enough to make me a video.  That I was not a priority to him, and he was blowing me off.

BIG MISTAKE.  Big big mistake.  He immediately "changed" and went quiet.  It was horrid but I KNEW- I knew I did it!  I just knew I did it with that energy I screamed out.  I literally "felt" it shift.  I knew it was not him messing with me.  I felt that he actually DID want to come back to me and now was fucked himself because he had to stay away, and believe me I could tell 110% that the guy was aching to be back with me.  It was mutual.  He was longing for me.  And my fearful hurt scared angry energy pushed him away, again.

And it has been that way over and over again.  I just don't even know at this point what to do besides be very aware of this energetic pattern of mine and STOP it.  Because this is how I feel: I want it to be him.  MY GOD I want a future with James so badly I can barely stand myself.  I am antsy and unfulfilled.  I am lonely for him.  My body aches for him.  My heart yearns for him.  I want HIM.  I really do.  But then there is a tiny thought of- I really don't know exactly how the divine works.  He is amazing and if God asked me who I wanted forever I'd say James so fast I'd choke on my own tongue.  But... if he was meant to show this to me so I could see it, and if he is meant for another life than one with me, then I need to know.  I need to get my energy in order, cleansed and purged, so whatever happiness lies ahead for me can come to me now because I am dying to be happy. I am dying inside- I want happy love in my life now.  I want to be ready for it, and of course I want it to be James.  But no matter what my happy future looks like- I am only going to get there when I can stop throwing out all of that scary energy.  I have watched myself "slay" this connection over and over again, and I can't do it anymore.  It might kill me if it continues to happen.  I am strong but I am only so strong.  I really long for only my love mirror now, love shown back to me, nothing less.  And I know only I can do that.  Only I can make that happen by keeping my insides totally tempered.  So I am trying to be super duper aware.

Sadly I remember when I finally reconnected with him after that moment I explained above.  It was weeks later.  The date he was supposed to be here came and went, and I was a wreck.  I stopped eating and lost another ten pounds.  LOL- in my grief I was at my most physically beautiful.  Go figure.  Thin because I was scared and could not eat.  I am naturally "pretty" and when I am really thin I do feel my most pretty but it is a state of being that I can never maintain, so I just don't worry about it any longer.  I am more interested right now in being pretty on the inside than I am being beautiful on the outside.

I started the blog at that time.  I began writing in earnest about what I felt was happening to me and then one day I reached out to him and he responded.  And it was still "off" but one night I was fighting my fears and I pounded out a blog post about how I truly did believe in all of this, and I loved him, and I knew he was my divine counterpart no matter how scary it seemed, and he contacted me immediately afterwards and we talked on the phone.  This breaks my heart to remember.  It just breaks my heart.  His voice.  His sweet dear James gently adorable tender voice.  He sighed very deeply and said, "I miss you Jennifer.  I really miss you."  And my GOD yes I could hear it in his voice how much he missed me.  How he did not want to be doing this.  How he wished he could be with me.  He missed me.  Just like the time he sighed and told me he needed me, needed me in his life.  All along I've known, in my heart, that reality is he has wanted me in his life.  I am the one who has kept him away.  And a large part of me keeping him away has been due to this fearful anger stuff I throw out to the universe either through writing in my journal, ranting to a friend or thinking nasty thoughts in my head.  I've even ranted here on this blog but I normally delete it because I know it does not belong here.  This blog is not meant for me to rant and rave.  I've always wanted to explain my journey as truth here, a very powerful divine process between two souls who love each other a ton.

So we reconnected again, and I screwed that up too.  Big surprise, right?  Fear.  It's all been fear in one way or another.  And it sucks.  And it is exhausting.  And it has kept a man who has been very much in love with me away from me.  And it's been this process of constantly trying to regroup, regain what I've lost but the last year has been very challenging.  And as of right this moment- I am back in the dark again.  The oblivion of the unknown, and I don't like this place.  I guess my "worry" is that I have kept James in the dark for so long... that how can I know I did not push him away entirely?  How can I expect him to wait for me forever?  THAT, right there, is my worry.  Not that he has not loved me.  Not that he does not care now.  I know he cares for me.  I know he'd never ever want to hurt me.  But... did I take too long?  I dunno.  Being in this unknown is such a dark place for me.  All I can do is tell God that YES I will be very aware of my scary angry energy.  I will do my best to be only peaceful and gentle inside.

A very long time ago I read some channeled guidance from Jenna Forrest.  Her guidance said if you are ever to write anything to your twin soul or about your twin soul or about this journey to make sure every single words is the most gentle, ever.  Super soft, undeniably loving and gentle.  I have not always done that.  I have definitely not always been gentle in my energy and that has been shown back to me many times.  And I do have to change that now. I'd like to think I am a fairly "nice" friendly good person, and for that reason my insides, all of me, should match how I'd like to think of myself.  I spend the majority of my life presenting myself, naturally, as a good friendly caring soul. I don't have to try.  I am just naturally a nice person.  But now is the time to make sure ALL of my energy matches who I am at my core.  I know this.

I do love James.  So much.  I just miss, dearly miss, the loving man I've shared so many beautiful moments with over these last nearly three years now.  The man who asked to hold my hand on our first date and walked, so lovingly, hand in hand with me to the park so we could swing under the stars while discussing the universe.  The man who told me on our second date, walking hand in hand together under the stars again, the he did not mean to scare me off or be pushy but he loved being in love and he was very ready to be in love again.  He said he loves being in a strong committed relationship and he loves having his someone special to share life with.  He is a marrying kind of man.  I know this.  I know James is a good man, a dear sweet devoted man.  I guess after all of this all I really can say is I HOPE my energy did not push this too far.  I hope he is still out there wanting me and loving me and hoping I can shift this so we can be together.  When he was here he showed me love.  I felt like he had wanted to share that moment with me for a very long time.  And I do hope to see him again.  I'd like to be with him forever.  But right now all I have really is my hope, and the knowledge that the man was just in my arms under a month ago and that's got to mean something.

I miss him.  I miss him with everything inside of me.  I'd love nothing more to have that amazing, beautiful, loving, caring, gentle, sweet and adorable man as my husband to have and hold every single day for the rest of my life.  There is nothing I want more.  He is irreplaceable to me so here I am, still working at it.  I mean I know I have to clear myself out, yes.  But I don't want to just clear myself out for me.  I want to be aware and as mature as possible, and I hope he can come back to me.  I really do.  I've never hoped and wished and prayed for anything more in my life.

I hope wherever my sweet friend is he is doing well.  I wish things were different between us right now, like they were when he could show me only love.  I pray it can change soon, for the better.  I ache to gently touch his face and stroke his hair and kiss his sweet lips.  I wish that so so much.  He is all I want.


Jennifer

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Dreams


Anyone reading this blog probably thinks I've lost my mind. 

I keep writing about recent events and then it just does not feel right so I delete it.  I think it does not feel right because it doesn't need to be explained.  It hurts and I don't want to focus on it.  I'm hoping it served its purpose of making me more aware of energy I need to change.  But I know I am not supposed to really pay attention to what hurts because it isn't actually real.  So I am trying.

But I am begging God for mercy right now.  I am begging God to have mercy on my aching heart because I am struggling.  I miss James and I remember that man.  I remember him!  He was just here, and he was gentle and kind to me.  I believe it was still a step in a process and not necessarily a full resolution but I felt the man I know.  Gentle, kind, loving, caring.  He held me.  He put his hand on my head and left it there for a moment, like he so badly wanted to comfort me.  I feel like he did try to comfort me as much as he could within the limits of still being my mirror, my twin soul.  But he showed me love. I know that was love.  He pulled me to his chest and held me.  He kissed me and it was a deep intense kiss.  He spoke to me gently.  He made love to me and it was genuine lovemaking.  I refuse to think anything less.  I KNOW James.  James would only have responded to me and offered to see me, and then kissed me and made love to me, if he loves me.  Because he knows how much I adore him.  He knows how much hope I have, and he would never ever want to hurt me.  I could feel in him that he's missed me.  I could tell.  I felt it.

Mirroring is hard.  I would love for this to change back to truth, and I know there is energy I need to keep out of myself if I am ever going to know full truth again from my twin.  But I don't want to focus on what has happened.  I'd like for it to be wiped away like it never existed, and that has happened in the past.  In the past I've been mirrored and then it has disappeared.  I pray for that miracle again.

I wish James could be here.  I wish he would come here and kiss me until the hurt disappears.  I wish that with all of my might.  I wish I could open my email and find a message from him where he sounds like himself again, the sweet adorable angel I met.  I wish that with all of my might and it is what I am going to pray for.  I am praying for this silence to finally end.  I miss him so much.  My goal is to be as totally aware as humanly possible of my energy, especially any anger that might want to creep up inside of me.  I have a feeling anger has really negatively affected my union.  My twin, for a long time now, says something to me over and over again and I could never figure out why.  But lately I am wondering if he's trying to show me my scary-intense anger energy even though I don't show it to him directly.  He always knows.  I don't know what the answer to reunion is but I am hoping me quelling that energy will change this for the better.  Again, praying for my miracle.

My heart is aching right now because just over three weeks ago James was here loving me.  We did not discuss much but he did love me.  I remember his sweet face.  He has the cutest sweetest face and the most gentle kisses.  His voice is soft and kind.  I had not heard his voice in a very long time before then, and finally I got to hear his wonderful voice.  He hugged me and told me, "You look nice!"  We joked.  I looked into his beautiful blue eyes.  His eyes are absolutely gorgeous.  I am so in love with this man that I don't even know what to do about it.  I pray to all things holy that something shifts for the better soon because I hurt too much to continue on like this for much longer.  Yes I will do the best I can.  I am pretty sure that I have been shown I can't have huge energetic shit fits and expect to get any closer to my twin.  I think my immature bouts of anger, which I've thrown out there since this started, have pushed him farther and farther from me as well as made him show me things he's probably never wanted to.  I need it to change now.  I do.  I am so lonely and sad right now.  I remember James as this angel of a man who was so good to me.  And I really dislike what I've created since then.  It makes me sad.  And I'd like to change it.

I keep telling God I am sorry and to please help me.  Yeah, on my knees crawling back to God begging for help in releasing any unnatural energy.  Begging God to help ease my aching heart and soul because I hurt.  I miss James in a way I can't explain.  I still have these hopes and dreams and I am trying to stay strong to hold on to my dreams.  I know to not believe the illusion but I miss him.  I love him so very much.  I remember how good he was to me, patient and kind and caring.  He was generous with his time, attention and affection.  He always wanted to know me.  And he would never ever want to hurt me.  He was compassionate and he says that being a good human being means being empathetic and kind.  I know that's who James is, and I am so tired of making him show me opposite. It is killing me.  I want so much to know my friend again, my caring loving friend and I feel like all I can do right now is watch my energy and beg God because I almost hurt too bad to focus rightly.  I'm having a hard time right now.  And my God I feel so lonely.  I wish he could come to me and hold me.  And I want to hold him too.  For a long time.  I wish I could get truth from him, real honest truth.  I am so tired of the illusion and non-truth, the nonsense!  I can't take it anymore.  Yet I am dying to hear from my friend.  I want to talk to him.  For real.

I will know him when I hear from him.  The energy feels different immediately when it is the honest friend I know he is.  It feels jovial and buoyant and friendly and kind. It feels like the man I met, and you have no idea how badly I long to feel that kind happy energy from him again.  I miss him so much.

James used to sit and kiss me for hours.  Our kisses are the best kisses.  I know he loves our kisses.  And I miss kissing him.  I miss holding him and talking with him and hugging him and being in his arms.  It felt so good to be in his arms again.  Like I belong there.  I wish with everything in me to know that man again.  And all I can do is watch my energy and pray really hard for right now.  I can't say I won't reach out to him because I already have but I am surrendered enough to realize I will only hear from him when I am meant to.  And that is so hard to take because I wish I could hear from him soon, and really him.  Sweet gentle James.  The guy who held my hand on our first date and kissed me under the blue moon, kissed me like he was owning me.  Oh I remember that kiss.  His kisses are so strong.  They knock me off my feet.  This is a man who sat with me for weeks kissing me and asked for nothing else, and he told me he'd wait forever for me because I was worth it to him to wait.  He was with me because he loves me.  And I know it was special  I know he still cares for me.  I know James wants me to be happy, and not alone.  So whatever is going to happen to offer me a happy future- I know he wants that for me, and I want him to have a happy future too.  I want us to have a happy future together.

I really am so ready to have his love, strong true romantic soul love, full time in my life now.  I am so ready to just be happy, and I am not happy right now.  This hurts really bad.  And I don't want to hurt anymore.  I miss him and love him so much.   I keep praying that my dreams can still come true,  that if I shift my energy then this can all shift back to love.  It can be hard to hold on to hope but I am trying.  I wish I could hear from my friend.  I miss my friend. No, more than that. I miss my lover too. I miss making love with him. He has the sexiest body and the most amazing "assets." I want to worship and adore his enticing sexy amazing naked body for the rest of my life, like seriously fawn over, taste and admire in every way every night forever. That is what I want. I wanna be loving and naughty both with him. I do ache for him. I can't help it. He is all I want.

I miss my friend so much.  You have no idea how much I wish, hope and pray to see him again.

I can't say much more than that.  I love him.  I remember him.  I miss him from the depths of my soul and I really hurt right now.  I pray something changes for the better, and soon.

Jennifer


Sunday, May 22, 2016

I Miss Him

I know I keep posting and deleting. I just can't blog right now. A lot has happened, mirroring, that has pushed me hard. I hurt. I feel it has been for a purpose and I can appreciate that and try my best to learn from it.

Still I miss him. I have always loved him through all of it. I feel he has said things to me that makes him suffer in his own way since he has had to hurt me and scare me by showing me my own energy.

I can't really say much right now besides I know I have created everything I don't like in this union. It's not a fun fact to have to live with.  I would like to change that. I surely hope I still can.

I love James and miss him with all my heart. I can still feel him kissing me and holding me close. My heart aches for him. I am tired. I hope I can shift my inner so my friend can come back to me. I've missed him for so long.

There are no words to express how my heart feels.  Like part of it is missing. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Better Place

 Better Place

Oh my WORD this song.  This song... this is just how it was when we were together.  Seriously.  Every time I hear this song my heart swells up with love and I totally remember him so so strongly.  It is a sweet little song but every word is how it felt to be with him.  I KNOW this my James.  I know it through and through.  It is all that matters to me, that truth- this is what it felt like to be with him and share time with him because he is a beautiful person inside and out and knowing him made my world such a better place.

Yeah, I totally love him.  Always will.  My little sweetheart. 

He is one of my favorite things.  I have two wonderful beautiful favorite things who I hold dear to my heart.  James and my son.  One of them is in my life now so my life is half way fulfilled, content and happy.  I need my other half, my other favorite thing.  I love him so much.

"Better Place"


I'll tell the world, I'll sing a song
It's a better place since you came along
Since you came along
Your touch is sunlight through the trees
Your kisses are the ocean breeze
Everything's alright when you're with me

And ah ah ah ah ah, you're my favorite thing
Ah ah ah ah ah, all the love that you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

I see the whole world in your eyes
It's like I've known you all my life
We just feel so right
So I pour my heart into your hands
It's like you really understand
You love the way I am

And ah ah ah ah ah, you're my favorite thing
Ah ah ah ah ah, all the happiness you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
And the sun paints the skies and the wind sings her song
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

Now I'm alright, now I'm alright
Everything's alright

Cause it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

"Signs"

"Signs"

Ahhh another great Scully & Mulder 'shipper video.  Hey, cut me some slack.  If you had any real idea of what happens in my life or in this union with my twin you'd understand why I need something sweet and romantic to hold on to, something I love.  If not I might either lose my mind or lose heart.  And I don't want to do either one of those things.  I really want to see this through to the end even when running seems like a much easier option.  I have always been a fighter so I keep reminding myself of that.  Ha, God knew.  The one thing I will always fight for is love.  Because nothing else really matters to me besides love and relationships. That is the kind of heart I have, and the heart houses the soul, right?  My soul must be a real little fighter to keep pushing me forward in this.  My soul must really love James.  I love James.  But I think it is a love that comes from deep in my soul.

Involved in this union with me is another human being who I love with my entire heart and soul.  And I believe he loves me.  I really do.  I sense it in him, this longing.  Even when he is unable to tell me I can just feel it.  He loves my kisses and misses me.  And he wishes he could be with me, and I always have to remember that.

Signs... God there have been so many, so many.  All along I've been given so many SIGNS to show me he loves me.  Even my wee little "open" son will turn to me out of nowhere and tell me, "James loves you mommy.  James really loves you."  And I know it is the truth.  He told me many many times.  I was so lucky to have a man in my life who was so willing to shower me with love.  *sigh*  So free with his love and affection.  He does love me, and I so badly want to, one day, be reunited with the man I love.  The adorable bouncy humble friendly quirky passionate loving kind caring devoted man I fell in love with.  James just wanted to meet a nice woman to love.  He was hoping to meet his "one and only" and maybe he didn't think he'd find her.  But then he found me and he knew he'd finally met the woman he could love free and hard who would love him too, fully, and I did.  I have this feeling that all he wanted was a good woman to give his love to, one who would love him just as much as he loves.  Like I love, hard and pure.

My heart is aching.  I miss my sweetheart so much.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Songs

There are plenty of songs I hear that remind me of this journey or James or how I feel about him. And sometimes I hear a song and wonder if it is how he feels about me. I know many of us walking this path are spoken to through music. I still wake with songs in my head or the radio will play something so poignant at a precise moment when maybe I was asking the universe a question and the song feels like an answer.

For example after I saw James again, when I knew he still did not feel to me like he could be his full genuine self and it made me ache, I asked "up there" what is up. What am I meant to do? Why? How do I get through this? I turned my car on and a song I have not heard in a while was just starting. "Goodbye Girl" by David Giles. In the song the male singer calls his Love his "Goodbye Girl." He tells her if she wakes up to find that he's not there to remember that goodbye does not mean forever. Goodbye does not mean we'll never see each other again. But the part of the song that really speaks to me is he tells her "The things you do my Goodbye Girl will bring me back to you." I took it as a sign, pretty much the only one I have had since he was here. I felt like I was being reminded that the things I do with my intention and energy have had will bring him back to me. He tells her no matter if they are far apart she'll still have his heart and that no matter how long it takes he will show her that she is meant for him and he is meant for her.

So when I start to freak out I keep reminding myself of that song. It's odd, those lyrics. They specifically say "The things YOU do my Goodbye Girl will bring me home to you." The song is from a movie about a woman who is afraid every man she meets and falls in love with will leave her.

Oh the irony, right?

He is telling her in the song that she has to believe in love. He knows she has been hurt in the past but now she needs to believe and trust love. And if he leaves he won't be gone too long because the things she does will bring him back. That song hit me hard the first time I heard it about a year ago. I just wish I had followed its message more closely then. I try and tell myself I've done everything as best I could even when I feel like I've fucked up royally! I remind myself that at the very least I have not ran off and shared myself with any other man. I've really tried to believe enough that I honor this love I feel by staying alone and always hoping for James to be able to come back some day once, like this song says, I get done what I need to.

This song above, "Thank You" makes me cry when I hear it. It is hard right now because I clearly remember his perfect love and how wonderful he was to me. I know I sound like a broken record. But if you knew the extent of the mirroring (of my own fears) I've experienced then you would understand why I remind myself of who he really is. He is the guy I dated. That is when he was able to be himself with me and he was happy to do so. It was the most beautiful time of my entire life. No one has ever made me feel as happy as James did. No one has ever treated me better- the only person who treats me similarly is my child because PJ is so loving to me.

So yes I do remind myself. It was a happy time in my life. I finally met a good single man who wanted to be exclusive with me. No qualms about it. No fucking around. No game playing. No hiding behind text
 He was just sooooooo different than the majority. And because our connection is different than any other regular "relationship" I know that the love and consideration he showed me still exists. I'd like it back in my life. I would love him back in my life. But even the short time we spent together I am thankful for, like this song says. He made me the happiest so thank you. It was wonderful spending time with him, loving him so much but being shown that he was just as in love with me too. It really does hurt to know I had such a beautiful gift in this friendly kind loving man but I have been unable to enjoy him all this time we have been apart. I ache to know James again the way I once did. Free and friendly and funny. Kind, caring, affectionate and responsive. Oh the irony. He and I were always in contact one way or another. Seriously once we began talking before we even met he would always say hi in the morning and he always said goodnight at night. Very very considerate. And he loved to talk with me so we spent hours and hours on the phone. I love his voice. It is gentle and sexy both. I knew I would love him once I met him. The first time I heard his voice I melted. He made me laugh a lot because he is silly even when discussing deep topics. And I felt like I could tell him anything. Back then it seemed we believed differently since he is Atheist but I was channeling "spirit" and reading cards and feeling very much like I knew what God is. But he was respectful of my beliefs. He never said he did not believe me. He asked me to read his cards and was interested in the message. He even asked me so sweetly if I could pull a card for "us." I remember him asking me that. The look on his face and time to his voice was soft and loving. The card I pulled said what we had was a blessing even if it seemed difficult at times. Little did I know! But he was always so damn cute in everything he did. We were talking on the phone one night. I would sit on my deck under the stars and talk to him so when I'm back there now I always look up and remember those nights of burning the hours away on the phone with him... and now I would give nearly anything to enjoy another phone conversation with him. But this night he told me something so sweet. He said he had been talking to one of his friends where he worked, another scientist-type. And he said he was dating a woman who was into angels and all that but he thought it was interesting and I was different in a good way. He said "It makes me love you more."

Those are the things I have to remember because fear can later try to steal those sweet HONEST moments away. He was really just the nicest guy when he was here, when he could be. And I feel like he tried his ass off to show me his love So I'd believe and trust him fully. He was good to me. He tried. He wanted me to accept his love. He was heaping it on me and I loved it and him but even though I loved him I had a hard time accepting his love. I guess that is what allowing means. Being able to receive love. Opening my heart to receive love, not just give love. I'm very loving. But I found it hard to accept the love he so obviously felt for me and was trying to get me to accept and trust.

That is why this song makes me cry. It is how I feel for him. Thank you for trying so hard. You did your best. And you know I loved you then and love you now. You were good to me. You treated me with respect and kindness. Your patience with me is a gift I still cherish, how you sat and kissed me for days while obviously desiring me yet you waited for me. A gentleman. Thank you for bringing me and my son thoughtful little gifts when you came to visit me. Thank you for taking the time to come see me and spend time with me knowing I needed to be home with my child. You wanted to see me so you made time, content to just be with me. Kissing!! We kissed a lot when we were together. I could kiss James for eternity and it still would not be long enough. Forever isn't even long enough.

My son. He means the world to me. So yes, James being so kind about my son and to my son sealed the deal for me. I think the way he treated my child, including him and taking us out together and teaching PJ golf abd... ugh- being so thoughtful on his own, wanting to be kind and wanting to make us happy, is one of the things about him that has made me fight so hard against allowing the fear mirror to become my reality. What a shame it would be to just let go of such a wonderful honest memory. I know that is James. Genuinely him. The sweet guy who asked his single mommy girlfriend if he could take me and my son out together and he was just so good to us. To me. Yes it makes me sad now because he is not with us but it was wonderful while it happened. He felt right with us. PJ still remembers James feeding the alligators with him. I mean what guy does that?! Not many.
 Not enough. He took it upon himself to plan time with me and my son both. I'll never forget that, ever. It is why I have this damn blog. It is why I... don't run away from this even when I am tempted to. It is why when I've had shit shoved at me I breathe abdctell myself NO WAY. No way will you forget that sweet man.

Fear sucks guys. In this connection fear is no fun to deal with. But James was so good to me that the honesty of his strong love has helped me hold on over these last years. Has not been easy for I have never fully given up or forgotten who he really is.

I miss him so much. I miss my gift. Being able to talk with him openly and honestly like we used to would be a miracle to me, to hear his smile in his voice again. To be able to feel his genuine self. His truth. I miss that so much. He always asked about my child because he is considerate and thoughtful and he cares. He is a caring guy. I know that. I miss him. I miss him so much. If I had one single wish I'd use it very selfishly. I'd wish for My sweetheart to be able to be his honest loving truthful self with me again. That's what I want more than anything, for James to be able to show me his truth again. For him to be able to be himself, his genuine sweet loving kind self again. I never knew how much I would value truth until having experienced the opposite. Right now is give pretty much anything to have that truth back.

Thank you.

Monday, May 9, 2016

A Slight Update


I want to share that I saw James recently but I am going to keep the specifics to myself because it is precious to me. It all just fell into place and my feeling is it was meant to happen. He wanted to see me just like all the times in the past he has wanted to see me and somehow the energy was clear enough to allow it to happen and it was meant to so it did.

We kissed. It was heavenly, just like before. Seeing his sweet face and hearing his gentle voice was like a miracle. And I can only pray there are more miracles to come. I can tell, I know, that he truly loves me as much as I do him.

I already miss him and his sweet kisses. I missed him the moment he had to go and all I want is him back in my life forever. It's all that really matters to me, him and his sweet loving kisses. I just really believe we are meant to be together like we dreamed about. I believe he still wants me to be his future. He misses me and my kisses. I love him more than words can explain and I'm more in love with him than ever. I want his sweet kisses forever!!

I wish for all of us that our wishes soon are fulfilled and all of our dreams come true.

Jennifer

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Perfect Love


A friend of mine shared a video with me about dating. It is a woman talking about the dismal state of the dating world. Everyone afraid to admit how they really feel. Commitment-phones. Netflix and "hey let's have casual sex."  Well I watched it and it reminded me of how absolutely lucky I was to meet James. He is the exact opposite of all this woman's video explained. And that reminder hurts. It hurts me deeply because I feel like I no longer have in my life the best man to ever happen to me.

James was so refreshingly different when we dated. He was super excited to meet me and he let me know it. He wanted to talk on the phone, old school. He never one time asked me for a racy photo or said anything suggestive- not even anything like "So what are you wearing?" Instead he was very frank about the fact that he found me to be very beautiful and he was looking forward to meeting me face to face. He was his own kind of sweet flirty that felt safe, clean and fun. And very honest. He told me I was so hot that if we hit it off I'd have to beat him off with sticks. And that he wanted to kiss me and just knew I'd be a great kisser. He had no problem with being open with me but he was not forceful or aggressive or raw. He was sweet and very real.

And when we met he was just as amazing. Blunt but in a good way. He does not best around the bush or hide how he feels. He plays no games whatsoever. He was very honest about the fact that he liked me and was excited to meet me. He asked to hold my hand on our very first date, none of that bullshit of "Oh I can't act like I like her too much." He is just so freaking genuine and honest. 

And he kissed me like a real man but still a gentleman. Intense and definite. No question. Just this deep strong kiss that took my breath away, like he was so sure of the situation. But it also was... respectful. A simple yet effective and powerful miss. A kiss that said, "Oh yeah- I'm so into you."

And I will always love how when he got home he text me thanking me for meeting him, letting me know he really liked me and wanted to see me again. Self-assured. Up front. Clear. No fucking mind games. Telold me to have sweet dreams and said he knew he would.

Said good morning the next day. Never once did he let enough time pass without saying hello that I worried whatsoever. He met me for a second date and very honestly told me he had not been in a relationship for a while but was ready for love. He walked hand in hand with me saying that he loves being in love and feels being in a loving happy relationship or marriage is "the best thing on earth." I remember how freaking cute he looked telling me, "I don't mean to scare you but I'm ready to be in a relationship." 

He was like a dream come true to me. I asked myself if I was dreaming. Was he real? So cute. So smart. So intensely sweet and his kisses were enough to render me speechless. And he actually did what he said he was going to do and followed up and had no issues at all being totally expressive and affectionate. I wasn't sure men like he truly existed but there he was. My dream. 

Out seco d date ended with a good hour of old school making out. Arms around each other barely coming up for air kisses that are my personal heaven. I'll never forget his kisses. He kissed me like he needed to kiss me, like a man I'm the desert needs water. And again with the follow up. Never hesitating to show his happiness over knowing me.

And before our third date he made it clear he wanted me and only me, and he hoped I did not want to date anyone else. He said he wanted to be "exclusive" and would be happy to call me his girlfriend. And I can't explain it but he was so frank and open, exuberant almost and very matter of fact. And from that point forward he always said how lucky he was to have found me and how happy he was to be my boyfriend.

He is perfect love. 

The rest of our time together was the same. Just heavenly. He took every opportunity to hold my hand and kiss me. We definitely spent more time alone kissing and being close and intimate than anything else. If I could I'd spend a majority of my life wrapped up in James kissing him and being close, making love in all different ways. It felt perfect and safe being in his arms. And we kissed a lot. A LOT. He always said I am the world's best kisser. It was like he had to kiss me. We could not go but a few days without seeing each other and we talked every day. Talked so much on the phone and email that when we had the opportunity to be face to face- all he wanted was to have me as close to him as possible. So for the first few weeks all we did when together was sit on my couch and make out like teenagers. And it was the happiest time of my life. How he held me and always made me giggle. Looking into my eyes. I loved how he would come over, always had a little generous thoughtful gift for me or my son, and he would greet me with a smile. Say hello. Hug me. But before long he would smile this knowing grin while taking my face in his hands and he would kiss me and it was like he was saying, "That's it. I need your kisses NOW." And we would just kiss and kiss. I'd get lost in his kisses. Time would disappear. We barely paused to take a breath like we melted together for a while. It was beautiful with hi. Just pure and gentle and genuine and honest and good. 

Perfect love.

He told me he loves me pretty quickly. Very sweet and adorable and I said I love him too. And I felt I'd finally met the man I was looking for, my one and only true love. I wanted a fresh clear clean start with him. He was very real and I wanted it special. That's why I could not get naked with him too soon. I needed to go slowly and he absolutely respected me every step of the way. He cherished me and protected me in all ways. He was always looking out for my feelings. Considerate. And he made sure to tell me time and again how much he loves me and how beautiful and special I am as well as how much he desires me.

Seriously perfection. Irreplaceable perfection and eveything I had ever asked for in a man plus more. More that I did not even realise I needed like his brilliance and passion for science. He is so smart. Free-thinker and progressive and just a dream. 

Oh bad he called me every cute sweet loving adorable pet name in the book. He even called me "dreamboat" some time ago.  Dreamboat, lol! 

He is definitely unique. I love him dearly. I've said this here about 100 times but the care he showed my little son and the respect he has for me as a mother is also incredibly wonderful. I just always really appreciated that he realised me being a good mom is so important and he made time for me when I needed to be a mom. He did not push me to the side until I had a child-free moment. Instead he made seeing me a priority and he came to my home so I was here for my child yet he could still be with me. He always showed me how much he looked forward to seeing me and that he loved my presence.

I miss James with all of my heart. I always ache for him. I feel blessed to have full happy days where I can breathe through that ache and have stuff to ease my mind, like being with friends. Tonight is a very intense night. I wish he was here with me. I need to be in his arms again, close to him. 

I know people advise that we should not say this journey is painful or hard. Well I think it has to do with intention. Most people in this hurt because they feel rejected and dismissed. I hurt simply because I love and miss the love of my life. Life does not feel complete without him in it bad I wish he was in my life again. I can't say I like this path at all. I do not. I wish he could have just stayed and loved me through me working out my doubts and fears like other soul mates do. I don't like the full mirror dynamic whatsoever and I won't fake like I do. I don't like the challenges or triggering or any of it. I just want a happy life with James. I do love him. He is the only thing I love, respect and appreciate about the twin soul experience. Only him. Well and me. I feel differently about myself than I did before. I absolutely do love myself. I have absolute compassion for myself. I've been through copious amounts of Hell in this life and still I ache so bad I cry every day.  I focus on loving ME. Me. And James. I am the one who needs my own love and compassion after all I have been expected to overcome and live through. I've wanted to die way more times than I am comfortable with. Loving myself is my priority while also totally loving James.  I've been through so much pain. I love myself for having been through all this yet I let it make me a more kind loving and compassionate to wards others.

I wish this distance and quiet was gone now. I'm so ready to know James again like I once did. Bubbly friendly totally affectionate and cutely loving James. The best boyfriend ever. I wish we were together again. Kissing and laughing and spending tons of time together sharing and close. Swapping stories. Making love. Dating. Being romantic. Holding hands. Nuzzling noses. Touching each other's faces. Eating dinner together. Being TOGETHER. I'm just so ready to be together with him again, and give me a fucking break- I don't mean just in spirit. I mean with his tongue in my mouth and his hands on my body. Human being stuff. I'm a human being on earth having a human existence and I want my most favorite human back with me. I love love but I'm tired of all things god-related. If this god-thing actually exists then maybe it will hear me when I talk to it since old habits die hard so I still pray to "God," maybe it will hear my plea to have James back with me forever. FOREVER. No more goodbyes ever. Just together, heavenly together. Maybe this God that wants us so happy and peaceful will hear my heart's longing and bring James back to me. Because being with him is all I want, my only really close to my heart dream. To be a family with him and have a child together. Not having that right now and wanting it so badly hurts more than you could possibly imagine. I love him and miss him so much that I'm waking at 3AM each morning and then I can't get back to sleep, and I truly hate it. If there is going to be silence like this then at least let me sleep. I need some peace of mind. I pray for peace of mind. Let me sleep. Calm my heart. Ease my mind. If God really loves us then God should do that for me. 

No one has ever felt better to me than James. I miss him so very much. I wish he was here right now holding me and kissing me able to fully be his sweet loving kind self. I wish I could touch his face gently and smile and kiss him and show him just how much he means to me. I really need to have him here with me forever. 

Perfect love. He is perfect love. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

Awake

Awake~ John Groban

This is a good song.  It, of course, reminds me of James.  I will remember all the love we have shared.

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other
So keep me awake for every moment
And give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll have tomorrow
Wait, you're here right now with me
And all my fears just fall away
When you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Thank You

Thank You

Okay so I keep writing and posting and taking away.  The reason is because nothing I write feels right.  I don't know why.  I am not quite sure.  The only thing I feel is that I love him and miss him so much that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm confused and feeling a little lost right now. I wish I had a better idea of what I should be doing but this ache I feel takes over. He is all I want.

I feel a lot of thankfulness towards James. I hope whatever he is doing and wherever he is he is happy and well. For some reason it hit me today that it can't always be easy for him in showing me my energy. There is a chance he hurts too. So I wish for his happiness and well-being. I also cannot help but to ask for my ache and my heart to be eased along with whatever he might need. I love him and want him happy. I want us both really very happy.

Jennifer

Monday, May 2, 2016

Fierce Love



"Love has to be fierce, it has to be strong, it has to be worthy of being tested, and endure in battle and its going to stand up to all the forces that are arrayed against it. It takes a lot of strength and courage... And I think that's what Mulder and Scully had."

That is a quote from Frank Spotnitz about my favorite two FBI agents.  I recently had an experience, and I am wondering about it.  Trying to figure out why this is happening.  I was sitting here asking myself- why?  Did I do something specific to manifest this?  I have my own feelings about it and I looked up at my computer screen and saw the above quote.  "Love has to be fierce, it has to be strong, it has to be worthy of being tested, and endure in battle and its going to stand up to all the forces that are arrayed against it. It takes a lot of strength and courage."  I am taking this as a message, an answer, telling me I must continue to be strong and have courage.

I love my James.  I miss my Love.  I will continue to be strong.  We are so meant to be together.

.

"Do That to Me One More Time..."

Do That to Me One More Time


When I was little I used to lay down with my dad before he went to work midnights.  A song would play on the radio, "Muskrat Love," and it has these tiny little twinkling noises in it.  My dad always told me those were tweedle bugs.  LOL.  Captain and Tennille.  My hair used to be cut just like this too, ha!  Back in the days.  Those were the 70s. 

Well this song here explains exactly how I feel about James.  Captain and Tennille's "Do That to Me One More Time."  I can never get enough of a man like you...

How true is that.  Kiss me like that one more time.  Please.  Once in never enough with a man like you.  With a wonderful sweet amazing man.  I heard this song this morning and smiled through some tears.  I would love to have James in my life full-time to kiss and hug and hold and make love with any time I want to.  He always said we'd make love every night and that would be heaven for me.  Being close and intimate with him is my personal heaven.  Kissing him is like kissing an angel.  I could kiss him forever, and his touch is so soft and gentle and adoring.  OMG- it's like he adores me when he makes love to me.  Even just holding my hand feels good with him.  Or being wrapped in his warm strong arms.  I ache to be in his arms each and every day. 

Oh how I miss my sweet love.  Even if we lived together and had to part for the day I'd miss him until I saw him again in the evening.  My heart wants to just camp out in his loving energy 24-7.  I love him so very much.

*sigh*

Jennifer