Waiting For A Girl Like You
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written on my blog. Sometimes I feel like a twin soul fraud. I am going to be getting married soon. In June. My boyfriend loves me so much, and he wants to get married, and I do love him, and it is the right thing to do. It is the "normal" step to take. I have such a happy life with Dave and my son. I've been in a happy relationship with Dave for almost four years now. Four years is a long time. I've been... "separated" from James for almost eight years. In eight years I have seen James once, and I have not been in contact with him for maybe... at least four and a half or five years now. I cannot put my life on hold forever. I have to "move on."
*sigh* To most people how I feel inside would seem really fucking crazy. I still miss James, and I still think about him. Not as much as I used to, thank God. I don't feel the same ache or pain and I'm glad. That was rough. Dave realizes that I still miss James and I wish I could sit down and talk with him again. He knows that even though we are getting married I still wish I could talk with James again. Sadly he parallels it to him wishing he could talk with his late wife again, although for me it is different.
I had no closure. No resolution. I was in love with James, in a relationship with him, his girlfriend, and he disappeared. I've never "gotten over it." I KNOW he's my twin soul. He is the only person on this earth who mirrored me so strongly. Many of the teachings say that twin flames are here to "teach" us, to show us all the things we need to heal- our "shadows." But for fuck's sake I did not want that! I fell so hard in love with James. Oh my gosh did I. And I need to state on this blog that even while I am planning to get married- I STILL LOVE MY TWIN FLAME. I am not ashamed of that fact. I can't put my life on hold forever. I have a child. I have a man in my life who I do love, and who loves me. Dave is an amazing person. He has a heart of gold, and he adore me. Like... he cherishes me. He's love incarnate. I really can't put off getting married forever. I am happy to get married to Dave but it is bittersweet because I wanted to marry James. But when you don't have contact with a person for five years you kinda have to "move on." Moving on and "letting go" are two different things though. I don't think I'll ever let go. I am glad to know that I don't have to.
I wonder how James is doing. What is his life like right now. I wish... I wish I could have him in my life, know him. It is so tough to know someone, love that person, make such a strong connection, and then the person is GONE. It felt like death, and it pretty much still does. I know I will love James forever. I will always think of him as "the special one." Unresolved. UNRESOLVED. I've said this before on my blog, and I am not bragging. But I am a strong smart woman. I'm educated, Master's Degree. I have an excellent career, and I am the director of my area in a big ten university. I've been a single mother for a while, own my home, have nice things... I'm of sound mind and soul yet I know with all of my heart, I know my truth and I will know it until I die- that man loved me. He loved me hard. He fell hard in love me, like giddy in love. Texts and calls and emails and kissing and hugging and laughing and SHARING and "pillow talk." Making love, sweet kind special love. The epitome of what making love is supposed to me. I know James loved me. So I cannot 100% ever accept what happened. Being my mirror, showing me my fears. I understand he showed me what I was fearing but that does not WIPE OUT the actual love he felt for me, and to this day that haunts me. I know he loved me. I remember the cuddles, the embracing, the sitting and talking and hugging and kissing... hours of kissing and talking. No TV, nothing but us sitting and kissing and giggling and talking, mostly kissing. His bright blue eyes and gorgeous cheekbones and the kisses. I've neve experienced kissing like that. The best kisses ever; James told me I was the best kisser ever, and I've never experienced kisses like those I shared with him. It was perfection. Irreplaceable.
Dave misses his late wife and for that reason I don't feel bad or guilty for how I feel. I am totally understanding of his grief; how could I not be? I still grieve too. It might seem weird or silly to most because I didn't know James for very long but my God I fell so hard in love with him. He was everything I ever asked for. I miss him so much.
*sigh* I'm getting married in California. For anyone who has been with me from the beginning you'll know the impact of that. I have to laugh, California. I guess it shows that I've grown. I can plan to get married in California and it doesn't sting. Newport Beach, and I am so very blessed, and grateful. It looks amazingly beautiful.
I wanted to marry James. My guidance used to tell me "Don't kill your dreams." And while I am thankful and happy, and I do love my boyfriend, I still feel like I killed my strongest dreams with my fear. I wanted to marry James and maybe have another child. I so much wanted to be James' wife. I loved him so much. I can't really put how I feel into words. Bittersweet.
My guidance told me something while I was in the middle of all of this. They used to tell me that his job was to HEAL me, to show me the things I needed to change and heal. They told me James would do ANYTHING he needed to in order to heal me, anything, and it might hurt or be scary. And they told me it was my job to love him, always, through it, and to always know who he really was. And to love him no matter what.
Now it has been over seven years. And I do love James. So hopefully I did what I was supposed to *weeping.* Because I DO love him. I remember him as this sweet kind adorable man who was so very kind to me and my son. Thoughtful, kind, sweet. Patient and respectful. I don't let myself "go there" very often because honestly it only hurts. I miss James. I wish I could talk to my friend again. I am not strong enough to say I'm thankful for what he showed me and I can let the rest go. NOPE. I loved him too much. I want it all. I miss him. I never stopped loving him. I've always wished to have him back in my life, and I still do. But life goes on.
Don't think I'm not conflicted. I am. But I cannot put my life on hold forever.
My God I do love hard though. Eight years almost and I still love this man. It took four years before I could even be interested in another man. My love for James was and is so very strong, and that does warm my heart. It shows me that I have a strong pure heart and I love hard. I'm thankful for how strong and pure my love is.
I know what James did for me. He might not realize it, and I totally understand that. Even now it seems supernatural. I look back and am flabbergasted at how weird it was, even now. It was so fucking weird, not of this world, supernatural. He mirrored me, strongly. It showed me what energies I absolutely must rid myself of. Yes I'm thankful but man at the same time... no matter what I miss him so very much. I am also sorry for what I put him through. I did not understand it at the time.
I miss you James. I tell myself that maybe you might see this one day and realize that no matter what, no matter how much time has passed, no matter what happened, I still love you and think you are wonderful and I remember how sweet and kind you were to me. A wonderful person, and very special to me because even if you don't realize it you have such strong energy that you were used to show me myself. The good parts and the dark fearful doubting parts. You helped me heal myself. You helped me show me how to love myself.
I remember when James and I were dating he sent me an email. He told me how wonderful I was, how beautiful. He said, "Do you know how beautiful your smile is?" He told me he loved me so much and he said, "I hope you can accept my love." <---- THAT FUCKING HAUNTS ME. Now I can look back and see what he actually meant. He hoped I could accept the fact that he loved me because if I could not accept that he loved me... it would cause big issues, mirroring me. And it did. I was terrified. I thought he would leave me for something better, like I was not worth enough. How sad as I look back, to not realize my great worth, to doubt how special and "hold-on-able" I was. Now I realize that I am special and worthy. Thank you James for showing me my worth. I am so sorry we had to go through all of this for me to know that. I miss you and love you, dearly. I know you are a wonderful person and I adore you. I always will, until I die and after. I pray with all my might that when I die you will be waiting there for me, to hug me. I miss you SO MUCH. I pray that your soul and my soul may be reunite one day, even if it is after I die. I love you so much that I tell myself you will be there to welcome me, your soul and my son's soul. You mean so much to me.
I still wish I could go back, God help me. I wish I could go back and accept your love. I have never gotten over you. I don't think I ever will.
I miss him so much. And that's okay. I am grateful for all the love in my life. I am grateful for everything James showed me. And still I love, and miss, James my twin soul.
