Friday, October 22, 2021



You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

I remember when I spent my last evening with James as his girlfriend before he left, back when he was leaving for a new job and we were going to be dating long distance.  It was a beautiful and sweet evening.  As he was leaving he hugged and kissed me, told me he loved me and he said, "This isn't goodbye.  It's until we see each other again."

Years later I did see him again, once.  We did say bye that night, and he told me he loved me.  Lots and lots of time and space have passed now but *still* I realize how majorly special, odd and unreal the entire experience with James has been.  I still say "has been" because I will NEVER give up on hoping I will be able to meet him again.  

Someone left me a message asking me if I am married.  Yes, I am now married.  I got married in June.  I've already mentioned here that my husband is a very sweet, dear, kind and loving man, and he knows about James and accepts how I feel.  Still it was a really difficult decision to get married.  I know how stupid I sound but I had to state to him one night soon before we got married, "You know I still love James, right?  Even though he isn't here, even though I know it sounds like a fantasy or fairy tale or nothing real, I still love him and I'll always wish and hope to see him again, and I can't guarantee if that miracle were to happen that I would not still love him even if I am married to you."  He said he still understands.  And that's that.  Dave is a lovely soul.  I'm absolutely blessed to be married to him.  I do love him dearly.  I've expressed many times that it's a different love, a different feeling, than when I was with James and... well, what can I say?  Dave is my dear friend, my love, my buddy, my "partner in crime" as we call each other.  We get along very well.  Seriously we have a great relationship.  My son adores him.  Dave's like an angel in our lives.  THIS is why I do realize that if a person ends up in what totally feels to be and appears to be a "twin flame" connection- you really can love someone else.

Too.  I think that's the kicker.  I love James, and I always will.  I know I'll remember him for the rest of my life.  Of course with the passing of time comes the tempering of emotion, especially of longing and sadness.  Honestly I don't think I could have lived much longer with the intense ACHING I had to... love him again in person.  And I do not mean sex.  I mean- I just longed to see his beautiful face and hear his laugh and hold his hand and be his friend and to KNOW him again.  And that longing and aching HURT so so so much!  

I read a quote a long time ago, and it might be somewhere here on my blog, that the sad longing a person feels for someone who is no longer with them is just love that is intended for one person but cannot be given to them.  For a few years that love would gather up inside of me until I was overwhelmed and would release it either as bouts of intense crying or sometimes the ache hurt so badly that I would get angry.  I got tired of "hurting" from loving someone so much.  It taught me a huge lesson though, one I try to keep in mind today.  Let me explain, and I wish that anyone going through this would understand something important.

JUST LOVE THEM.  Allow yourself to MISS them.  Have no worries that "missing them will manifest the absence of them."  That is SUCH bullshit!  Ignore 99.9% of the spiritual "rules" every got damn money hungry snake oil salesman "Twin Flame Expert" will try to impart on you.  Here it is plain and simple" JUST LOVE YOUR TWIN SOUL.  LOVE.  Even if it hurts.  Even if you cry a lot.  Even if you feel miserable and want to eat ice cream alone like a hermit for weeks.  Avoid anger and fear.  Do not think about "but he's the runner."  JUST LOVE.  And when you love someone who isn't with you, who you want to talk to, someone you long to lay eyes on, to see their beautiful face and winning smile and sweet soft voice... when you dearly miss someone who you became good friends with, who your heart made a lifelong connection with even if it only took one night to do so- HONOR THAT CONNECION.  Don't let anyone try and make you feel badly for that love!  Somehow a new "spiritual" movement came about with the energy of love=weakness and that shit IS. NOT. TRUTH.

If I could go back to five years ago, before I met my husband, I would not be afraid that missing James was "wrong" somehow.  I spent a lot of energy trying to harden myself and then I would get angry.  It was when I allowed myself to just desperately love him and miss him and ache for him that I healed the most.  I remember those moments, crying so deeply because I loved this man with my entire heart.  

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I promise I know what I am talking about.  Had I just let myself love him, focused on that love, reveled in it, wrote about it and focused on why I loved him so much, brought his memories close, cherished them, compounded on them... then maybe we would have ended up back together because, and here is the kicker, twin flame/twin soul connections and all about manifestation.  And I will go to my grave knowing that whoever is "left behind" on the receiving end of the silence is the manifestOR.  

I did not get there.  I tried.  My energy was too intense, and my fears created a lot of crap that I could not "let go of" and I just did not get what I wanted back then which was to be back together with James.  Now I share my life with a wonderful man who is dear to me.  I will not lie.  I will not say, "He is the love of my life."  I am honest to my heart.  I love him.  He is absolutely precious to me.  I make it a point to protect him and remind myself daily to only treat him well and with kindness because he is an angel sent to me to help me heal my tattered, war-wounded heart after going through an intense soul experience for years. 

I'll always love James.  Sometimes I feel badly for him because he got mixed up with my fucked up ass when he met me.  I can't believe how afraid of love I was back then.  I was SO afraid that I wasn't worthy enough to be loved for "the long haul."  That I was sooooo easy to let go of and forget.  And James had to heal me of those lies, and it was not easy and I will always love him for helping me to know my worth.  This is why I know in my heart that no matter what transpired between us he loved me and he wanted to stay with me.  I just know it- I'd bet my life on that.  Now I realize that I am worthy and valuable and memorable and when someone falls in love with me they fall hard and want to hold on.  I still wish I would have realized that eight years ago but... James helped me to finally know my truth.  I do love him for that.

Oh, man I still hope that one day I'll be able to sit down with him again and talk.  Smile, laugh, and I know I'll still love him very much.  

Funny, I still get signs.  Recently Dave, my son and I were at breakfast and out of nowhere my son said, "Doesn't James like this?"  Something we were eating, and oddly nothing we ever spoke of.  But my son, he was SO pointed in how he said it.  He looked right at me and said, "I thought I remember you said he liked this."  It was a bit awkward, there was that long silent pause, but I was thinking- there it is, another reminder.  And not long ago we were talking about my son's favorite subject, Science.  He said something about James.  And he said, "James is a really nice guy."  And I wanted to weep because yes, yes he IS a wonderful and sweet person and GOT DAMN please realize that fears and doubts will majorly fuck up a twin soul connection.  Ya gotta know truth, and truth is always goodness and love.

I'll hold on to those memories forever, no matter if they transpired over a short amount of time.  He treated me dearly, with such patience and respect (especially for my body and my consent.)  He looked at me like I was... a goddess, and he told me so.  He was literally perfection when I knew him, everything I had ever asked for.  My dream come true, and I'll never forget that.  I miss him dearly.  Now I miss my friend.  We spend a long time talking and sharing and becoming friends before we became lovers and honestly all of those long deep conversations and emails and texts stick out in my mind so so so much more than being physical.  We didn't have a lot of time for that.  It was sweet and good but we spent more time kissing and laughing and talking and holding hands and writing to each other than making love- so those are the things I miss.  I just missing talking to my friend.  I do.  So yes, I still wish that I'll hear from him one day soon and can know him again.  I would love to have James be a special part of my life.  

I'll wrap up by saying that LOVE is the best energy, and I have to remind myself of that all the time due to life's challenges.  Whether I love my son, or my husband and this man I remember with such warm fondness, who I hold close to my heart, it's all good because LOVE is best.  If we feel love then we are all good.  Never ever worry about loving too much.  Love is strength and goodness. 

Take care  xxoo


Wednesday, May 26, 2021

"Moving On" and "Letting Go"


I get signs, still.  It is mainly the songs.  I stumbled across this one today, forgot which song it was but it reminds me so much of James.  I sound like a broken record but I miss my sweetest friend.  I really really miss my friend.  It's not the romance (although I do still remember his sweet kisses) but the love.  And him as a person.  I miss my friend.  

Sometimes I have dreams too.  

Let me tell you something, come closer so I can whisper it.  It's pretty important, and it's something most people don't understand but now I do.  Here it is: just because you "move on" doesn't mean you "let go."  Spiritual people, those who throw the jargon around, they like to use those two terms, "let go" and "move on."  But letting go and moving on are two very different things.  I had to move on with my life or else I think I would have died.  It would have killed me, staying where I was- staying alone, trying and trying and trying.  I was lonely although I was getting happier and healthier.  So I ended up moving on, even if it was not my plan.  But at the same time I have not, and I will not ever, "let go."  The beauty of it is I do not have to let go.

I never ever ever have to let go of my love for James, and that brings me a strong sense of peace.  I can love him.  I can hope to see him again.  I can wish to hear his voice or get a text from him or sit down and talk to him or wrap my arms around him in the hugest warmest most loving hug ever.  And it's okay.  I am very very very blessed because the man I have in my life who loves me, and I love him, has told me it is okay.  I am free to love James.  He realizes that I can't change my heart and he loves me anyway, and I found that I am able to love two people at the same time.  One who resides in my heart and one who is part of my life.  

My fiance' and I talked about this again not long ago.  We are getting married soon, and marriage is, of course, a huge step.  But I love him and he loves me and while I would be happy to live together and love together he really wants to be married.  He adores me, and I am so lucky to be loved by such a dear good sweet man.  But we talked and I told him I still feel the same exact way I did the day we met almost four years ago- I still love James, and I still hope to one day know him again.  Dave says he understands and if that day were to come we'd deal with it.  He says he'd want me to follow my heart and be happy, and he'd love me no matter what.  How blessed am I?  It frees my heart knowing that I don't have to lock away my heart, or lie; I can be true to myself and my heart and it's okay.  I am so thankful for that, and for this dear man.

I do get signs though, and dreams, and the songs.  And I ask for my Higher Self to please guide me.  I feel like I get nudges to continue to think of James and his goodness, and to love him dearly, no matter what my real life is like.  To just be love, to all.  To love my fiance' and to also love James.  Like I am not supposed to forget him or push his memory to the side.  

It is wonderful but... bittersweet at the same time because I do miss him.  I wish I could hug him.

Please know that if you have a special soul connection with someone like I do James, even if it's been a while, and even if you feel this person is your twin flame or twin soul- it really is okay to love someone else if you are lead there.  Have clear intentions.  Don't do it to "run" from the connection, or as a distraction.  Be honest in your intentions and if it happens then it's okay.  For me I am definitely blessed because I can be honest with David, and that's a huge gift that I am thankful for.  My fiance' is an angel. Guilt is a really yucky feeling and I am blessed that I don't have to feel guilty because I still love James.  I guess love, real sweet good love, is positive no matter what.

I hope James is happy.  I hope he is well-loved.  I hope his life is joyful and fulfilling.  I do miss my friend though and hope for the day when I can hear his sweet voice again and see his shining smile, and beautiful blue eyes.


Monday, April 26, 2021

If I Could Go Back In Time

There is one thought I have over and over.  If I could go back to some years ago, those four years after all of this started happening, there is one important thing I would change, and I think it is a very important point to make to people who are in a twin flame separation right now.

I wish I would have let myself miss him, entirely.  Just miss him.  I wish I would have let myself cry whenever I wanted to, missing the shit out of him, crying from love and sadness over being away from him.  There is a HUGE different between being sad because you miss the shit out of someone you love and being sad because you fear that someone doesn't love you, sad because someone left you and doesn't care any longer. 

People told me I wasn't supposed to miss him, that being sad is a bad energy.  But being sad over missing someone you love, wishing you could be together, is okay.  It really is.

If I could go back then I would have allowed myself to realize we were separated for a reason, for a twin soul connection, not entirely real life, and that he loved me and I obviously wasn't "ready" energetically-wise to allow our reconnection so we were still apart and it hurt SO FUCKING BAD being apart from the person I loved with all of my heart and soul.

I did love him, tremendously.  I should have just felt the love, let myself ache for him and cry for him and feel that deep longing, the longing to be with him.  I wanted so badly to put my arms around him, to kiss him and laugh with him.  I absolutely ached to communicate with him.  Oh MY GOD being separated with no communication was so god damned hard.  I missed talking with him, emailing and exchanging funny messages and loving words, and the hours-long phone calls, the soft gently words, his humor.  His sweet voice.  I missed that so much, and it made me treacherously sad. 

I wish I had fell into that sadness, let the missing him envelope me and soothe me, in a way.  Instead I would try to harden myself and it ALWAYS spiraled me into anger.  Anger at God for putting me in a twin soul union.  Anger at my soul.  Rage, dark dark rage.  Anger and rage is a dark sharp gnarly ugly energy.  Sadness over missing someone you love, simply missing that person and aching for them, is a soft buttery, even healing energy.  I always felt better, like another wave of cleansing would pass, when I would just cry and cry out of love for him.  Crying helped me purge.  But when I would get rageful inside it only brought me more pain and more separation from James.  I should have just let myself be sad, heartache over loving him yet being apart. 

Let yourself cry.  Miss that person if you are in separation.  Know he/she is only doing their "job" but love them, don't be angry.  Don't feel guilty for being sad, but only miss them and love them.  Don't feel rejected, don't feel forgotten.  They have not forgotten you.  Love them, even if it means hurting and aching over being apart.  Cry if you have to, cry over the missing them.  

Being separated from the person you love is painful.  Heartache is real.  That's why they call it the blues.  Because when you love someone dearly it hurts being away from them.  That's called being human, having a heart, and it's okay.  So don't let anyone tell you that you should be stronger, forcing a happiness you don't feel.  Go on and be grateful for whatever good you have in your life but also allow yourself to miss the one you love.  That's what happens when you love someone wonderful and they are not with you- you miss them.

I speak from years of experience, almost eight years to be exact.


Keeping The Blog Active


I read an article recently that said we never really get over a past love.  We just learn how to live with the memory of the person we had close to us, in love.  I guess that's where I am with James.  It's been a while.  I still think of him often though.  I see people who remind me of him and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.  I still imagine how wonderful it would be to sit and talk with him, freely talk, like we did when we first met.  When it was normal and amazing and beautiful and the most precious love affair I've ever experienced in my life.  I'll never ever "get over" James.  I still love him and miss him.

But life goes on.  It has to.

I don't write much but I choose to keep the blog up and active because I KNOW what I have experienced is truth, and I still get messages from people telling me my blog has helped them.  I always wished I would be together with James again, and as of right now that hasn't happened.  But I know I went through something extraordinary with him and it was real, and I know many other people out there are going through something similar and maybe they will find this and maybe it will help them.  The entire situation was real.  Call it "twin flame" or "twin soul" or whatever but it was real, and it means a lot to me.  He means a lot to me and he always will.  Getting older, time passing, life moving on, new loves entering the picture- none of those things negate or wipe away or lessen the love or the memories or the desire to know this person again.  I'll always want to know James again.  

Sometimes I daydream about meeting him.  I wish I would hear from him, like he would reach out to me, and let me know he's around, has been thinking about me, and wants to meet and catch up.  It would be... strangely normal.  There is something I want probably more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.  I want to be able to sit down with him and talk honestly, discuss the strange shit that happened.  I wish I could tell him, "I'm honestly a fairly normal human being but this has been the strangest experience I could ever imagine, like stranger than fiction."  I wish I could thank him for being part of it, THE ONE who finally showed me myself.  I want to thank him because it put my poor dear friend through a Hell than I can't imagine, coming from his side of this connection.  

I'll always know that our twin souls, the ones who go quiet, those typically called "the runner," are the catalyst in all of this.  I'll always believe James was my mirror that showed me my "shadows" that needed to be... evicted.  I can't say my "demons" were "healed."  I had to evict them.  James helped.  But I know he didn't want to.  It's a supernatural connection.  It isn't normal by any means.  We really must learn to forgive our twin souls.  I remember my guidance telling me that he was here to heal me, and I was supposed to love him through it, and to always remember who he really was.  I was told that over and over and over.  "Above" (higher self I think) told me that James was bound to me in such a way that he would stop at absolutely nothing in order to "heal me."  Even if it hurt.  And it did, oh my God, and I know it hurt him too.  I just know it.

So even today I get this twisted knotted feeling in my stomach because I can look back now, with a clearer mind and fears evicted, my thought process not colored with terror, fear and despair, and recall the times he would reach out to me sounding so sad, missing me terribly, but still "bound" to being my mirror, and if I wasn't 100% clear inside (and I was far from it) then he still had to hold back, remain somewhat aloof, yet now I can clearly see how much it hurt him to do so.  That he actually wanted to be with me.  That he missed me and hated being apart.  And oh how that still aches.  It does.  I can't help it.  

I wish I could hug him. I didn't get a chance to show him how much I love him and to thank him.  

I do believe that twin flames can come together again.  I know the energy/manifestation is VERY REAL.  I know that there were times when I would think of him, very deep loving thoughts, putting tons of love energy into a moment and he'd reach out to me, out of nowhere, even after months of no contact- and I know my energy "allowed" it to happen.  It was a reflection of that good strong energy; he was showing it back to me in return.  I will admit the quiet (hence the name of this blog) is what was the hardest thing for me.  It made me insane.  Literally the quiet drove me batty and it brought out the worst in me.  And when that brought up fear and anger in me (even privately, not showing it to anyone but just feeling it or writing it in my journal) then I would get mirrored- and finally I clearly saw the "shit" I needed to get rid of.  

It got to a point with me where I was trying so very hard to change things for myself.  I was actively working to BANISH the anger thoughts, the fear, the blackness.  I refused to let myself focus on fear-based emotions/thought and instead I spent every free moment I had "protecting myself" with positive affirmations.  And life started to change, like a miracle.  My work changed for the better overnight.  I got a large increase in my salary and a promotion.  People who were not of my higher good moved out of my life and good loving kind people moved closer.  I learned that positivity actually does work, that manifestation is real.  And my biggest hurdle was not allowing myself to get "sucked down" into anger because I wasn't hearing from James.  I had to just kind of battle through it, realizing it wasn't his intention.

But I also got tired of affirming about him.  I did for almost 4 years, writing and writing.  Clearing, focusing on love, on belief, and it got tiring for me.  Sometimes I do wonder had I continued would eventually I have heard from him.  The last thing he said to me was a strange phone call where he told me that yes, I was right, he'd always loved me.  Like... strange right?  

One day I was listening to Louise Hays and she said to always say how thankful we are for all the love in our lives.  So I tried it.  I wrote that and wrote it, and suddenly I met my now fiance' David, without even trying.  He literally just kinda fell into my life.  We've been the best of friends and lovers and confidants and partners ever since.  And he is the epitome of love.  He's one of the kindest, most caring, sensitive and loving man I've ever met.  And I suppose we both needed each other.  I had been through a spiritual war unlike anything most people could ever understand.  I was battle weary and worn and I think maybe I just needed a gentle touch, after four years of being in a twin soul connection maybe David was to help heal me from the challenges of being mirrored so hard.  It wasn't easy, and at times it was so terrifying I thought I might die.  I had a ton, an absolute ton, of RAGE inside of me, and James had to mirror that back to me... it was a highly challenging experience for both of us.  I think I needed a dose of "real life," like normal life for a while so I could be de-conditioned from all of it.  I hate to say this but because of James having to act as my mirror there were times showing me all of that anger didn't feel too good.  I loved him but I was terrified of my mirror at the same time.  It was all very difficult to process inside of me.  And because I stayed militantly alone... besides being with my son I was often alone, for a while like a hermit, and after four years I was starting to "see" what I needed to change, and I did.  And I started feeling lighter and better, life was getting better, but I was still alone, militantly trying to work on my energy so I could get James back in my life.  

It was exhausting.  Then Dave showed up, and he was grieving and in need of a tender gentle touch as well.  I wasn't asking for it; entering into a relationship with someone besides James wasn't what I wanted.  But then it happened, and I remember being so scared that I was doing "the wrong thing."  And I had to constantly remind myself that it was all love, all of it.  I still loved James.  I told Dave ALL about James, lol, and the man still fell in love with me.  He's a dear heart, and even now he realizes I still love James and I want to see him again.  I am very blessed to be with Dave and to know him.  I am grateful for him.  I've learned that we can love two different people at one time.  Lucky for me I am not made to feel guilty for it, and for that I am super grateful.  

I sometimes wonder if I did start focusing on James again, would I eventually open that door?  Would the energies match up and one day he see something that reminds him of me and think to contact me?  Sometimes I do write about him still.  I remind myself, and I remind the universe of how much he did for me, how much I adore him still.  And then I'll hear all the songs and I'll see his name everywhere.  The last time I wrote about him was at a coffee shop.  I stepped into the store next door and the song "Sweet Baby James" was playing and I had to smile.  It brings me a source of comfort I suppose.  

Rambling as always.  This blog lets me get my heart out when I need to.  I miss James dearly.  But most days life is so full, busy and good, and he's on the back burner of my heart.  Then, once in a while, he moves up to the power burner and I feel like everything just happened yesterday and I can remember his bright blue eyes and those amazing kisses.  I've never shared kisses with anyone like we used to kiss, content to sit, embraced, kissing and kissing and smiling at each other and KISSING.  Ugh- I'm human and I love him... I still miss his sweet kisses.

Later skaters.


Sunday, March 28, 2021

Moving Forward, But Never Letting Go


Waiting For A Girl Like You

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written on my blog.  Sometimes I feel like a twin soul fraud.  I am going to be getting married soon.  In June.  My boyfriend loves me so much, and he wants to get married, and I do love him, and it is the right thing to do.  It is the "normal" step to take.  I have such a happy life with Dave and my son.  I've been in a happy relationship with Dave for almost four years now.  Four years is a long time.  I've been... "separated" from James for almost eight years.  In eight years I have seen James once, and I have not been in contact with him for maybe... at least four and a half or five years now.  I cannot put my life on hold forever.  I have to "move on."

*sigh*  To most people how I feel inside would seem really fucking crazy.  I still miss James, and I still think about him.  Not as much as I used to, thank God.  I don't feel the same ache or pain and I'm glad.  That was rough.  Dave realizes that I still miss James and I wish I could sit down and talk with him again.  He knows that even though we are getting married I still wish I could talk with James again.  Sadly he parallels it to him wishing he could talk with his late wife again, although for me it is different.

I had no closure.  No resolution.  I was in love with James, in a relationship with him, his girlfriend, and he disappeared.  I've never "gotten over it."  I KNOW he's my twin soul.  He is the only person on this earth who mirrored me so strongly.  Many of the teachings say that twin flames are here to "teach" us, to show us all the things we need to heal- our "shadows."  But for fuck's sake I did not want that!  I fell so hard in love with James.  Oh my gosh did I.  And I need to state on this blog that even while I am planning to get married- I STILL LOVE MY TWIN FLAME.  I am not ashamed of that fact.  I can't put my life on hold forever.  I have a child.  I have a man in my life who I do love, and who loves me.  Dave is an amazing person.  He has a heart of gold, and he adore me.  Like... he cherishes me.  He's love incarnate.  I really can't put off getting married forever.  I am happy to get married to Dave but it is bittersweet because I wanted to marry James.  But when you don't have contact with a person for five years you kinda have to "move on."  Moving on and "letting go" are two different things though.  I don't think I'll ever let go.  I am glad to know that I don't have to.

I wonder how James is doing.  What is his life like right now.  I wish... I wish I could have him in my life, know him.  It is so tough to know someone, love that person, make such a strong connection, and then the person is GONE.  It felt like death, and it pretty much still does.  I know I will love James forever.  I will always think of him as "the special one."  Unresolved.  UNRESOLVED.  I've said this before on my blog, and I am not bragging.  But I am a strong smart woman.  I'm educated, Master's Degree.  I have an excellent career, and I am the director of my area in a big ten university.  I've been a single mother for a while, own my home, have nice things... I'm of sound mind and soul yet I know with all of my heart, I know my truth and I will know it until I die- that man loved me.  He loved me hard.  He fell hard in love me, like giddy in love.  Texts and calls and emails and kissing and hugging and laughing and SHARING and "pillow talk."  Making love, sweet kind special love.  The epitome of what making love is supposed to me.  I know James loved me.  So I cannot 100% ever accept what happened.  Being my mirror, showing me my fears.  I understand he showed me what I was fearing but that does not WIPE OUT the actual love he felt for me, and to this day that haunts me.  I know he loved me.  I remember the cuddles, the embracing, the sitting and talking and hugging and kissing... hours of kissing and talking.  No TV, nothing but us sitting and kissing and giggling and talking, mostly kissing.  His bright blue eyes and gorgeous cheekbones and the kisses.  I've neve experienced kissing like that.  The best kisses ever; James told me I was the best kisser ever, and I've never experienced kisses like those I shared with him.  It was perfection.  Irreplaceable.

Dave misses his late wife and for that reason I don't feel bad or guilty for how I feel.  I am totally understanding of his grief; how could I not be?  I still grieve too.  It might seem weird or silly to most because I didn't know James for very long but my God I fell so hard in love with him.  He was everything I ever asked for.  I miss him so much.  

*sigh*  I'm getting married in California.  For anyone who has been with me from the beginning you'll know the impact of that.  I have to laugh, California.  I guess it shows that I've grown.  I can plan to get married in California and it doesn't sting.  Newport Beach, and I am so very blessed, and grateful.  It looks amazingly beautiful.  

I wanted to marry James.  My guidance used to tell me "Don't kill your dreams."  And while I am thankful and happy, and I do love my boyfriend, I still feel like I killed my strongest dreams with my fear.  I wanted to marry James and maybe have another child.  I so much wanted to be James' wife.  I loved him so much.  I can't really put how I feel into words.  Bittersweet.  

My guidance told me something while I was in the middle of all of this.  They used to tell me that his job was to HEAL me, to show me the things I needed to change and heal.  They told me James would do ANYTHING he needed to in order to heal me, anything, and it might hurt or be scary.  And they told me it was my job to love him, always, through it, and to always know who he really was.  And to love him no matter what.

Now it has been over seven years.  And I do love James.  So hopefully I did what I was supposed to *weeping.*  Because I DO love him.  I remember him as this sweet kind adorable man who was so very kind to me and my son.  Thoughtful, kind, sweet.  Patient and respectful.  I don't let myself "go there" very often because honestly it only hurts.  I miss James.  I wish I could talk to my friend again.  I am not strong enough to say I'm thankful for what he showed me and I can let the rest go.  NOPE.  I loved him too much.  I want it all.  I miss him.  I never stopped loving him.  I've always wished to have him back in my life, and I still do.  But life goes on.  

Don't think I'm not conflicted.  I am.  But I cannot put my life on hold forever.  

My God I do love hard though.  Eight years almost and I still love this man.  It took four years before I could even be interested in another man.  My love for James was and is so very strong, and that does warm my heart.  It shows me that I have a strong pure heart and I love hard.  I'm thankful for how strong and pure my love is. 

I know what James did for me.  He might not realize it, and I totally understand that.  Even now it seems supernatural.  I look back and am flabbergasted at how weird it was, even now.  It was so fucking weird, not of this world, supernatural.  He mirrored me, strongly.  It showed me what energies I absolutely must rid myself of.   Yes I'm thankful but man at the same time... no matter what I miss him so very much.  I am also sorry for what I put him through.  I did not understand it at the time.

I miss you James.  I tell myself that maybe you might see this one day and realize that no matter what, no matter how much time has passed, no matter what happened, I still love you and think you are wonderful and I remember how sweet and kind you were to me.  A wonderful person, and very special to me because even if you don't realize it you have such strong energy that you were used to show me myself.  The good parts and the dark fearful doubting parts.  You helped me heal myself.  You helped me show me how to love myself.

I remember when James and I were dating he sent me an email.  He told me how wonderful I was, how beautiful.  He said, "Do you know how beautiful your smile is?"  He told me he loved me so much and he said, "I hope you can accept my love."  <---- THAT FUCKING HAUNTS ME.  Now I can look back and see what he actually meant.  He hoped I could accept the fact that he loved me because if I could not accept that he loved me... it would cause big issues, mirroring me.  And it did.  I was terrified.  I thought he would leave me for something better, like I was not worth enough.  How sad as I look back, to not realize my great worth, to doubt how special and "hold-on-able" I was.  Now I realize that I am special and worthy.  Thank you James for showing me my worth.  I am so sorry we had to go through all of this for me to know that.  I miss you and love you, dearly.  I know you are a wonderful person and I adore you.  I always will, until I die and after.  I pray with all my might that when I die you will be waiting there for me, to hug me.  I miss you SO MUCH.  I pray that your soul and my soul may be reunite one day, even if it is after I die.  I love you so much that I tell myself you will be there to welcome me, your soul and my son's soul.  You mean so much to me.  

I still wish I could go back, God help me.  I wish I could go back and accept your love.  I have never gotten over you.  I don't think I ever will. 

I miss him so much.  And that's okay.  I am grateful for all the love in my life.  I am grateful for everything James showed me.  And still I love, and miss, James my twin soul.


Saturday, January 2, 2021

Happy New Year


I hope anyone who might be reading this has a very happy, blessed, fulfilling and prosperous new year!

Wow what a year 2020 was, right?  I know the last year has treated people in many different ways.  My heart goes out to those who've lost a loved one or a friend due to covid.  My life, my family, we've been well.  We've been careful, as careful as we can be, and everyone is healthy.  I'm working.  My son is going to school.  My parents are healthy, and I pray that the vaccine is available to everyone ASAP.  Please keep thinking positive, and don't forget the power of manifestation.

January 20, 2021.  I have it marked on my calendar with highlighter and hearts and exclamation points and balloons and smiley faces, and I am so happy!  I can't wait for the new Biden administration to be in office..  It would take me days to explain how I feel about the last four years, and this is not the time nor the place for that type of pontification.  Suffice to say that I hope the last four years brought to the surface and shined a spotlight to the shit that needs to change in our society, and I am confident that it can only get better from here.

That said, I hope anyone who might still be reading this, and everyone else too, is healthy and happy and doing well.  No one could have imagined the happenings of 2020.  

I miss seeing people smile.  Seriously, I am a smiler.  I like to SEE people.  I like to say hi at the store.  I like to make random conversation with someone I don't know.  So these fucking masks suck although YES I wear them and YES I realize their importance.  But I don't like them.  I do look forward to when I can smile at someone and see them smile too without a mask.  And lipstick, like what's even the point?  Now it's all about mascara.  Thrive Cosmetics, that is the best mascara EVER, just FYI.  I literally have the smallest eyes and little to no eyelashes yet Thrive makes me look like Cher.

Last night I had a James Dream.  OMG!  It felt so real!  I love these dreams because they make me remember.  How do dreams work?  Like seriously, it's all X-Files.  It was like I saw him.  I HEARD his soft kind voice.  I saw his face.  I felt him because we hugged, for a long time, and I could literally FEEL him.  *deep sigh, like really deep sigh like you just dropped your favorite book in the tub, no worse but I can't think of worse.*  So weird how these dreams feel so damn REAL.  Like dudes I heard him.  We were hugging, this huge hug.  Just a hug but it was like the most beautiful hug ever, more perfect than baby flying unicorns.  Or meltless ice cream.  It was a huge warm melting beautiful smooshy lovely perfect long hug.  And then I think I woke up.

Sadly I woke up.  I wanted that fucking sweet hug to last forever.  I could have kept sleeping for hours wrapped in the warmth of his inviting hug.  In my dream I actually was going to end the hug (I was scared) and he emphatically said, "No" and kept hugging me.

And now I want to weep.  And I probably will.  Because to this day, over 7 years later, I still miss James.  I love him, I think of him, and there is no other man in my life (and at 47 there's been a couple who have made an impact on my heart) who has meant the same to me as James.  And my biggest wish is to be able to hold him in my arms.  In my dream last night I remember thinking, "I'm going to start crying.  I can't believe it's really him, finally.  I have my arms wrapped around him and his arms around me and I get to finally hug my beloved friend again." 

It was a really sweet dream.  I so wish, with all of my heart, that I could hug him again.  I'm thankful for that dream. 

Happy New Year.  Be happy, healthy and safe.



Friday, October 2, 2020



I woke with a song in my head this morning which doesn't really happen anymore.  It used to a lot.  It is a magical experience to wake with a song in your head that you've never heard before or maybe you heard it 25 years ago, once.  I would grab my phone and google the lyrics before they disappeared from my mind to find out the song, to read the message it would give me.

"Goodbye Girl" is the song.  It holds strong meaning for me because the song it about a man who has left but is assuring the woman he loves her.  He tells her goodbye isn't forever, goodbye doesn't mean they won't meet again or be together again.  But the strangest part is when he sings, "Because the things you do my goodbye girl will bring me back to you."

Anyone who has read my blog knows I fully 100% believe, and still do, that James and I have a strong energetic/spirt connection, soul connection.  The strongest of anyone I've known.  And I know that he mirrors me.  I've never believed (or been shown) that I mirror him.  He's been the one to show me.  All along.  I still believe that he fell hard in love with me, and although I don't like to mention it or focus on this anymore- it stings when I go back to look at the journal I kept while we were dating.  I LOVED HIM SO MUCH and that terrified me!  I had a very strong fear of when I fell hard in love the man would, for some reason, leave me.  Like something would come up where he'd have to leave me behind even if he, you know, kinda loved me.  It was a suck-ass fear, and I think I understand now where it came from.  I had "insecure attachment" issues that I've since worked on healing.  But in my journal, and remember I'm a super strong manifestor and didn't realize it then (or else I would have NEVER ever written such things!) and I would beg God not to "make him leave" or let him leave me.  I was nervous that he'd want to go, to move away, and I couldn't go because my son has a wonderful father here.  And I was just so scared even though we had the start of the greatest love relationship!  So I'd focus, secretly, on being afraid he'd leave, and I WROTE THAT SHIT DOWN!  *ugh*  All that energy... focused on my worst fears.  So yes, I will always believe I "manifested" him leaving, and I STILL believe and know he loved me and never wanted to leave.  I just know it.  And it does kinda still haunt me.  

Then I had spirit begin to really speak strongly to me, and it scared me.  I was just a big ball of terrified, hurt, heartbroken, in love, energy.  Oh to go back and hug that poor suffering woman.  It makes me cry.  I hurt so bad, and I was so confused and all I could think of was "See?  It happened.  I'm not loveable enough!"  It was the absolute darkest time of my life.  If anyone out there is in that place I hope you read this and realize it is NOT because you are not loved.  It is the "twin flame" connection.  And it works to rid us of those fears, to show those fears to us so clearly, so we heal ourselves of them so we do not continue to KILL OUR DREAMS with those fears.

*sigh*  But I was also shown that I could fix it.  I could clear it, focus "rightly," focus on love and truth and somehow "allow" him back to me.  I saw it happen a few times.  He did get nearer.  He was the loving kind man I met, the loving gentle funny sweet dear little soul I met, dated and fell in love with.  He was able to be because I focused on love and truth.  Unfortunately my fears crept up over and over and over again, and I know *I* kept him away.

So, this song.  I was shown this song and the words hit home because they clearly tell me that the things *I* do would bring him back to me.  Not placing the responsibility on him.  It was always on me.  I did try.  But I had fears still.  

He was here once, three years later.  Three years.  And we spent the evening together and it was like a dream.  It was the last time I've seen him.  I miss his smile.  I miss his warm embrace.  I miss his smile.  

I met Dave... over a year later, a year or so after the last time I saw James.  Four years apart.  And when I met Dave little by little I stopped writing, stopped "trying."  It felt better to just LIVE and enjoy my life.  Sometimes hoping, hoping all the time, wore me down.'

Still though I miss him and I wish I could see him and talk with him again.  Hearing this song as I woke this morning shocked me because it's been so long, and the only message I can take from it is "The things you do will bring me back to you."  The only thing I can do is focus on the love, the goodness, the happy memories.  There's nothing else.  Spirit's shown me that.  I do enjoy getting the signs and messages.  It's been a while and sometimes I forget how magical my life was through those four years.  Mini-miracles happened often.  I experienced situations that many people never have or will.  I've never stopped being in awe of the miracles.  Of the signs.  Of the radio station changing on its own to play a special song, of spirit talking to me through my pendulum, of spirit speaking through my son to me.  I remember one day my little boy, about five years-old, looked up at me and said so seriously, almost imploringly, "He loves you mom!  James does love you!"  I remember how hard spirit tried to show me.  I remember James texting me and saying, "Good morning beautiful.  I love you with all of my heart" when I was worried if he really did love me.  

I wish I hadn't been so scared.  If I could share wisdom with someone who is in separation, wondering what is going on, truly feeling like they are in a twin flame/twin soul connection- try not to be scared.  Or at the very least don't focus on your fears.  Try to ignore then.  I wish I would have just allowed myself to miss him and love him, cry all the time if necessary over the ache I felt because I grieved over the loss of him in my life, and let that deep longing cleanse my anger and fear.  Let yourself miss him or her.  Love them.  Let yourself love them.  Let that love cleanse you on the inside.

It's a challenge.  Yes sometimes the thought of seeing James again and talking with him, honest discussion, seems like a fairy tale.  But I know in my heart it could happen.  I believe in manifestation.  I believe in the miracles.  I believe that if I focus my energy rightly then spirit could make it happen, put the pieces in place.  I feel that's what the song is about- a reminder that goodbye isn't forever.  Goodbye doesn't mean we will never meet again.  Because the things I do could bring him back to me.  I let that go often.  And just live my life.  But it sneaks up on me.  Like a tidal wave it crashes into me and I have a good cry.  I can almost feel him.  I can "see" him sitting next to me, telling me he needs to sit on "his side" of the couch.  I can feel what his arms would feel like around me.  Even after all this time.  

I think that if he knew how much I still love him, no matter what, and what he means to me he would only think lovingly of me.  I think he would find it endearing.  He was always so sweet.  And kind, understanding, and he loves hard.  He told me he loves being in love, loves love, loves falling in love and I know he thought I was sweet, cute, spirited and he felt gently towards me.  I know it.  I get this sad feeling like I just KNOW he wished he could have reached out to me, calmed me, soothed me, eased my pain and "make it all better."  I think it made him sad to know the pain I was in.  I still hold all of this inside of me.  I can remember the times he'd reach out and I could feel the longing and the missing and his own pain, like he wished SO MUCH that he could be with me and see me and hold me and kiss me.  He told me he wished and hoped he could come back and "be intimate" with me.  I cherish his choice of words still, "be intimate" means to hold close, to cherish, to love, to snuggle.  

Pillow talk.  I know he wanted pillow talk with me.  

That "knowing" haunts me.  It does.  I know it's hard to understand but now that I look back with no fear coloring my truth- I can see and remember how being separated from me hurt him too.  Because I was worth missing too.  I just didn't realize it back then.  

It's so... ugh.  when I met Dave, after a month or two, his best friend who lives in CA kept pushing him to move to CA.  And I told spirit, "Just no."  I wouldn't even consider it.  I told spirit that I am worth being here for, that I am so loveable I know it's not even an option.  And that was and is my truth but I know it was for James too.  He wanted to say here with me.  He told me but I was too scared to listen.  He told me if he fell in love with the right woman who had a good family (yes to both) that love could make him stay.  If then were now I'd take out my journal and write a hundred times a day that James is a solid good wonderful man who loves me tremendously, and I am thankful for that strong dear love, that I cherish it dearly.

I say that about David.  I cherish his love.  Love is love, no matter who it's with or from.  I am very thankful for Dave and his love for me.  VERY.  Focusing on love and being thankful for love is a very good thing.  Being grateful for the love in my life is important.  I'm trying to be very focused on love and goodness right now.  There is a lot going on in the world to distract us from focusing on the good in the world.  The other day I was feeling really crappy.  I was talking shit about someone I just really don't like, and I shouldn't have been focused on this person.  I can choose to have this person not be in my life.  That's all I have to do.  That night I had dreams about, well, shit.  Literally.  Poop everywhere, on the walls, floors, etc.  I woke knowing I was being shown not to have such shitty energy.  If I keep talking smack then I'll start dreaming of having nasty crud coming from my mouth.  Signs, spirit trying to grab my attention, show me what I am doing wrong so I can make it right that way I don't keep at the negative until I create something negative in my life from it.

I try to listen!  So focusing on love is a good thing.  Staying soft on the inside.  I used to battle with such terrible anger (another thing James showed me I needed to change) and while I've overcome that pretty well I still work at staying soft and loving.  I'm far from perfect and I have to reign myself in, remind myself and often very specifically shift my focus to where it needs to be when I'm focused on something I shouldn't be.  So honoring love is good.  No matter who the love is coming from, as long as it is good, healthy pure love.  Nothing but love.  I can't go wrong if I'm focused on love. 

It would be so sweet if James could come back and mirror me now.  I feel like I've cleansed a lot of what was inside of me.  I'm softer (on the inside and outside both lol!) happier, kinder, gentler.  We practice no religion whatsoever; it's not a part of my life at all.  But we thank God and pay attention to God, spirit, kindness and being loving good people.  That, to us, is what's important.  I feel in my heart that James is my one and only "twin soul" and he would still love me tremendously because he's my mirror.  He'd love me and show me my goodness.  I wish that could happen.  I wish he could come back and treat me like he did when we met, before my fears kicked up.  Those were the most blissful weeks of my entire life.  Best time of my life.  I've had other amazing times in my life, believe me!  But I can't deny that those times with James were the absolute most blissful times of my life.  Truly the best gift.  I'm blessed to have love in my life now.  But damn I still remember that bliss, a bliss like none other. 

I miss him.  I still love him.  I wish I could see him and talk with him again.  All I remember is the goodness, the joy, the kisses, the laughter, the smiles, the jokes- he made me laugh and it was a good thing, a great thing.  He was patient with me, respectful of me.  I would love to experience that again with James.  I miss my friend and my love.