Memories

I heard this song not long ago and it really made me think.  The words explain my heart.  He sings that we can cheer for those who are with us right now and still think of those who are not with us now.  But one part where he sings that he can't pick up the phone and call right now but will one day, man, that hit me hard.

I wish I was in contact with James.  I will always wish that.  I miss my friend.  I miss talking with him, laughing with him, sharing with him and seeing his smile.  I heard another song today, one that really reminds me, and I have not heard it in a long time so it grabbed my attention.  And I cried which I rarely do over this situation any longer.

My life is super happy, as I've said.  I honestly try to live my best life.  I've learned to always lean towards being loving, kind, grateful and positive as often as possible, if not always.  Life flows a lot smoother that way.  We leave for Disney World Sunday morning.  I am SO blessed, and I realize this and I am thankful for it, truly.

The other night my boyfriend Dave and I were together when my friend Lori text me.  Lori is my "twin soul" friend who I've known for about 5 years now.  We've walked this path together, thank God.  She is like me, super independent, strong, happy, loving, has a great life.  But she still gets signs of her twin soul.  And she still loves him.  So sometimes we reach out to each other when the signs are strong, or we have a dream, or just those times when our hearts might ache a little more than others.

Dave asked me, "Is everything okay?" and I told him yes, that it was Lori texting me.  And we began talking about James.  I told Dave I know I have not said anything about James in a long time, and that's because Dave is SO good to me so I feel like I should just keep it to myself, but that it's still there.  Dave is such an amazing man.  He again told me if someday I were to see James again he understands all of it, and he agreed from the beginning to understand and respect my heart and feelings.

So I tell myself to live each day like this song- to love, embrace, accept, enjoy and be grateful for all the love I have in my life right now.  But at the same time allow myself the dream of seeing James again.  I still think about him every day.  I get frustrated because I know what was true for us: he loved me greatly, and that love never ended.  I know it might seem crazy but I remember after allllll the time that passed, all the weirdness that happened, months in almost years of quiet and STILL he reached out to me and told me that I was right, he loved me and always had.  I knew that, and I still believe it now.;

My prayer is one day one of those "miracles" happen where somehow my heart, my thoughts, my intentions, my energy are clear and aligned to a point where James can reach out to me.  I kinda gave up trying to reach out "in real life."  I know that doesn't work unless things are aligned, and I guess I just... I dunno.  I have more faith that he'll reach out on his own when/if that times comes.  I have hope that one day it will happen.

This song "Memories" though, wow.  It is exactly how I feel.  I can't help but miss him.  I still do. 

Jen

What I'm Doing Now

This is my art.  For years I've always loved colorful fun paintings of women's faces.  I would try to draw and UGH it looked horrid.  I chalked it up to not having much skill in drawing.  But then one day I saw a book at the art store called "Drawing Beautiful Faces" so I bought it and started practicing and found that I love drawing ladies' faces but in a very whimsical fantastical way.  The book and also a Youtube video taught me how to chart where the features should be placed on the face.  That helped a lot!

I don't like drawing bodies or clothes so I avoid that, just faces is what appeals to me.  And some little fun animals.  I have more art supplies that JoAnn's and Michael's combined so there is no lack of stuff in my house to keep me busy.  I'm also making art journals and I hope by this time next year to do selling my stuff in art shows. 

It helps keep me busy and my mind in the right place.

I love Halloween and have decided to sell my art under the name "One Salty Witch."

Although this one is sassy as well as salty.

 

Yes I still think about James.  I've written on and off about him here, and I still have one really good female "twin soul friend" I met about 5 years ago; she and I still believe in our journey and we still chat about the signs we get and the hope that one day we will be able to know these two sweet men again.  It is still very difficult for me to come to terms with because I've never lost anyone close to me before.  I may not have known James for very long but I did get extremely close to him.  When you read about how a twin flame gets very VERY close to you and then is suddenly gone, well that is what happened to me.  It is six years later.  I've had a variety of men I've loved in my life and STILL James made the largest impact on me.  I fell entirely in love with him, and that love has never left me.  I've never gotten over the fact that one day he was in my life, hardcore, and the next *poof* disappeared.  Yes, I still... ache over that loss.  I grieve, in my own private way.

I still miss James a lot.  My heart aches for him.  I think the *only* thing that could ever change that is if he was in my life again, if I knew him again like I did when we met.  THEN my heart would feel better.  Until that day I will have this yearning.  I've never ever believed that if it "hurts" then it is a bad thing.  I don't feel that we can help how our hearts feel, our emotions, especially when coming from the place of deeply loving someone who is no longer in your life, are not really controllable.

I do spend time here and there reminding myself of our good times.  I DEFINITELY enjoy the life I am living right now.  I make sure to enjoy every day and love dearly those people who are in my life.  I don't take that for granted while longing for something I don't have.  I love, respect and enjoy what I do have but at the same time I also still wish to know James again.  I want to talk to him, like sit down and just have a normal real honest conversation with him.  It's always felt so abnormal when that stopped happening.  It always will feel "wrong" to me, abnormal, "not of this world."  I hope one day that changes and I hear from him and we can meet and hug and talk like two people who care about each other.  I still hope and pray for that miracle to happen.

I'll always believe James is a special soul connection to me, definitely the strongest soul connection I've had.  Whether I label it a twin soul or twin flame or whatever- doesn't really matter.  It is more the connection I know we had where I would think something and he would know it, and all the rest of the magic we shared.  Like... how can someone I was that close with physically, emotionally and even energetically be just gone?  I really hope one day to get the affirmation I long for, to have him back in my life, to know he's that special connection, the one that never breaks, the one that can always somehow someway come back. 

Reunion.  I want that.  Re-union.  We had union and I want it back.  

I still love him and miss him dearly. I think that's why my ladies have a wistful look.  At the same time I really do stay full of positive loving energy, as much as I can!  I do love my life a lot.  I just wish James could be part of it.

xxoo

Jen