Ever since this twin soul union began I've felt like I am living in a fairy tale. Some fairy tales are very romantic and sweet... other are sprinkled with an eerie darkness, and often there is a heavy combination of both light and dark in the aspects that create a fairy tale... and there are normally various struggles, like the slaying of a dragon or the demise of an Evil Queen, leading up to the "happily ever after." A week ago right now I was losing my mind because Joron sent me unsavory messages that were used to show in my face my fears, inner vileness {as my guidance calls it} and to show me that I must stop drinking- I like to think of this hurdle, along with the others, as one of the "dragons" I've had to slay in order to get closer to achieving our happy ending. Those messages essentially scared the holy living shit out of me but for good reason: I saw just how strongly psychic my twin soul is, and I saw that The Divine is on my butt like white on rice. I will assume this is for good reason and now that I've been shaken awake it is time for me to own my Divinity and realize I truly am a Being of Light. This was a spiritual weekend for me. All that got done around my home is the kitchen was cleaned because I don't like a dirty kitchen. Grossness. But the rest of the house is cluttery and dusty and... well that's what happens when there is only one of me to go around, and that one of me is going through a strong spiritual Awakening.
Last night after I posted my long rambling blog about and to my twin about his love my guidance told me to tell him what's been happening behind the scenes. Oddly enough I wasn't terrified to so do. Nervous of course... but he needs to hear it now. I was guided to tell him about the telepathy. To explain to him, a staunch Atheist, that he hears his soul and this is why he "ignores" me. I told him about my drinking and explained that his messages on Sunday were to wake me up. I urged him to please understand it was not his "fault" because I *know* he is suffering in his heart wondering just exactly is going on with him. Honestly I think he feels he has something mentally or emotionally wrong with him when in all actuality he is a Lightworker who channels swiftly and completely. My twin is highly psychic, a gift I saw in him when we dated although back then I didn't quite understand what I was seeing although now it's become glaringly obvious. I laid it all out there... and it was a relief for more than one reason. Ignoring the strange silence was becoming harder and harder to do. I was recently told my throat chakra is closed but I wasn't sure how to address this with my twin. I've always been patient and kind with him and when he recently told me that he stays quiet not because of me, that I'm "wonderful," but because he must have issues or something... I felt horrible knowing what is actually going on between us.
He is my Prince. He Awakened me with a kiss.
Yes- I have always thought of my twin soul as "My Prince." He's helping me to heal... and here is where the fairy tale ramps up, when the heroine steps over the boundary separating "real life" from fantasy. I have doubted his love since we met. His love for me is so big, so all-encompassing and so real that is blew me away and didn't feel real so I convinced myself it just couldn't be true. And then once I insisted to the universe that he would leave me one day... the universe ensured that happened so I could see my "dragon" and slay it.
I am calm today. Last night I told an Atheist that he's a Lightworker who channels his soul. I admitted I have a problem with alcohol and need to avoid solitary drinking and that he's being "guided" to help me with my vices, and this is a man who calls God a "Cosmic Puppeteer" so I'm sure he's just thrilled to think that some force in the sky is "using" him. He may think a multitude of things about me but as an educated man I can't imagine he can't see some truth in it, and it might scare him. Can you imagine having the things you so strongly believe in challenged in such a strange fashion? This poor man. I feel for him. I needed to at least try to get him to see, even just a little, because I do not want my twin experiencing guilt over his actions when they are inspired by Spirit to help heal me. Joron is a very sensitive man. I don't want him hurting.
But another thing I feel is that he has a hugely strong undying love for me that is constantly being forced back due to the twin soul separation we are going through right now. More and more I get this feeling that where before I was terrified that he'd stopped loving me, and I had to fight to believe he loved me, now I can feel his love. And it's wonderful and sweet and warm and amazing... but it's also sad because I know he wants to be with me and has wanted to be with me for months. He honestly did not want to leave me, and shit I doubted him every step of the way, and I feel really kind of sad about that. Sad because I thought so little of myself that I couldn't believe in his love for me, like I was not worthy of such strong perfect love, but sad because he in no way ever deserved me doubting him.
I've written about this before but my aunt googled him and found a man uncannily similar who is married. They were all sure he was some monster scientist who just used me then ran back to the west coast to be with his wife, that he was one big lie. My aunt said my cousin thought maybe he just used me as a strange social experiment. I remember frantically googling this man at midnight while pushing my terror down so I would not choke on it, getting light-headed while thinking to myself... there is no way. He was wonderful, light, love, grace, respect, bliss. He could not have been one big lie. It took forever for the site to load and suddenly there was a picture of a scientist in front of me who resembled my twin, worked for an organization that has the same last name of my twin. They studied the same areas of interest... it was uncanny. And it was not him. And immediately the call between me and my aunt ended on its own accord, meaning Spirit ended the call, and when I sat down to "tap in" I cringed because I knew Spirit would have some choice words for me. They were "No doubt! Never doubt your soul twin again. Trust him fully!"
Yet still I didn't. I'd freak out from time to time throughout the silences and wonder what sneaking lying horrid things he was doing yet somewhere inside me I always had this feeling he was only working a lot, enjoying his past times in order to stay occupied, and he was remaining single- for a reason. He bought a trilevel home... for a reason. Because he loves me. A lot. I know this now. I understand what these unions truly are. They are 5D unions between two people who live in a 3D world. It is nearly all Spirit orchestrated, especially during separation. He said so many loving words to me that were supposed to help heal me and I'd let them go in one ear and out the other. God I remember my guidance telling me, "How works a lot to stay busy so it doesn't hurt so much." I thought to myself, scoffing the entire time, "Yeah right! Like he'd have pain over missing me." The next time we ended up on the phone he spoke of work and he said, "I work so much. I work a lot... too much *insert deep sigh here* I need you. I need you in my life." Why did I doubt so much? Oh but I did.
A lot has transpired between Joron and I in the last week, and he has not responded to me since his last "mean" message a week ago tonight. That shook me up, woke me up, Awakened me. We made it this far through some really crazy stuff that has happened over these last nine months... we will make it through this too. One thing that has shifted is I know his love for me never died. It's always been there. It is like we are living in a fairy tale where love is hidden away far up in a castle and can't be reached right now. I swear to God I know he loves me and for some reason that love, for now, can't be shown in a "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship and the more I NEED that for affirmation, desire constantly being shown his love instead of just owning it with a deep inner knowing- he moves farther away from me.
So he's told me some choice things and I told him, an Atheist, that he's a Lightworking psychic who has a strong magical connection with me. LOL- last year this time, or even three months ago, I would have been DYING right now. Falling apart, freaking out, world caving in, unable to sleep or eat or think dying. But I'm alright. I guess I finally just see how much of Spirit this truly is and I have faith that what is supposed to happen will. It is my goal to stay in a place of Love and Light and knowing. He may not be with me physically but he's with me in Spirit, and this love means so much to me that it's all I need until the time is right for it to shift into something more.
A while back I woke with this song in my head, and all I could see was his baby blue eyes twinkling at me, looking into my soul, "I know you I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam." I knew those words reflected the moment on our first date when we met and laid eyes on each other for the first time, how we both felt we'd met already... once upon a dream.
The other day I heard Huey Lewis and The News "Do You Believe in Love?" while driving to work and although I've heard the song plenty of times over the years this time was that "special" time that happens when Spirit wants me to really listen to a song. I knew it was a message asking me, "Hey Rose- do you believe? Really believe? Do you believe in his love for you? Has he proved it enough? Will you let the silence kill the love? Are you going to forget that he agreed to go in your back pack for a reason and you PROMISED not to forget who he truly is?" Or maybe it was Joron himself speaking to me through the song, imploring me to please please please believe in his love. Joron and 80s music go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly or like me and him {two peas in a pod.} He listens to 80s music often and he likes to send me 80s songs. As a matter of fact when we began coming back together a couple months ago, back when for just a moment I allowed myself to believe in something other than my fears, he sent me a link to the song "You're My Obsession" at 3AM telling me he couldn't sleep because he was thinking of me, listening to that song over and over... and he told me, "You are my obsession Rose." I think back to that moment and I wonder why all this time I never allowed myself to breathe a sigh of relief in knowing the man truly does love me? Why? Why do we doubt love so? Here are some things I know from the bottom of my heart with an inner knowing I've been afraid to embrace because we live our 3D lives believing a certain way and it's hard to break out of that mold.
I know that our meeting was divinely planned and truly magical and I wouldn't change a thing about meeting him.
I know that he is very psychic and "vulnerable" to the workings of soul even though he has no idea this is happening to him.
I know that when my guidance told me my life is like that of a butterfly, that I am more soul than human, and I was going through my stages of transforming from a lowly blind grounded caterpillar so I could undergo my metamorphosis into a butterfly that the whole analogy reflected my Enlightenment. The darkness of the cocoon has been this time separated from Joron where I've fought for purity, healing and BELIEF in not only what was happening to me but also belief in his voracious and vulnerable love for me.
I know that a week into our dating when he so giddily sent me his dream about me telling him I was not truly a "homo sapien" but a butterfly... that in the dream he was sad I wasn't human but I told him it was okay- I was transforming into a butterfly so I could fly... I should have paid closer attention to the magic that was unfolding before my very eyes because Joron was trying to tell me that it was time for me to wake up, be healed and own my Divinity.
I know that when he had the next dream that signified the angst I felt over my affair, worried that he would find out and judge me, and then he came over with that bag of chocolates that were the same bag my first soul mate brought me... and he plopped down on my couch, looked at me and asked, "Have you ever cheated on your husband?" that he was, through Spirit, showing me it was okay to be honest and purge my fears- he would love me anyway. I told him about it and he understood, accepted me readily flaws and all.
I know the he loves me completely and unconditionally no matter how quiet he becomes.
I know that we both felt "it" before he got pulled away to CA. I also know his heart was broken but as always he automatically listened to Spirit, got on that plane and signed the contract. He also sent me the strangest "tussling with my fears" initial email explaining the situation to me, and now I can go back and see where my fears were being poked from the very beginning... and all along thee entire scenario from beginning to end has been difficult on my poor twin soul. Joron did not want to leave me. I feel bad that I doubted his tears when he told me he'd been crying. I feel terrible that all I did was doubt doubt doubt his enormously HUGE overwhelming love for me, and I wish I would have seen... realized just how ridiculous it was for me to think he could so easily walk away from me. How I overlooked his suffering when he left.
I know I was given his initial email that he was leaving while I was in the middle of a training workshop because it forced me to be strong and I also had to wait to respond. I couldn't flip out immediately, reactive, which could have hurt the situation. I was given time to ruminate and settle just a bit so I didn't kill the union with my fear which was OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS because something told me "This can't be real. Something strange is happening here. It's like my worst fears are coming true... he's leaving me."
I know that when he told me he wants to be my husband and father of my child, that he craves to kiss me every night and wake to me every morning, that he means it- even now. Very much. He wants to marry me and have a family... I just have to reach that place of healing where we can reunite.
Oh GOD I know that he is a gift to me so I could face my fears and be done with them already! I was dying inside from the fear of being left behind. I was plagued Every. Single. Moment. that any minute he'd realize he no longer loved me, that I wasn't worth it, that being away made it too difficult, that not being able to touch me or have sex with me or have his needs fulfilled would get too tedious... that the trade off wouldn't be enough and he'd drop me. I stressed and I tried to fake it and keep it all in and finally I caved, purged my fears to him and Spirit said "BAM the time for separation is NOW." I got upset... got drunk and he disappeared. And it seemed at the time that I was living in a nightmare... a bad dream where my largest hungriest most disgusting monster followed me from my dreams to my waking life, drooling and ravenous just dying to eat me up.
I knew even then that something strange was happening, the situation too unbelievable to be real, but I was too blinded by fear to accept anything other than "He's left me. I knew it. I'm so forgettable... even he, the love of my life, has found it easy to walk away from me..."
I know his love for me is a willing love, orchestrated from his heart. I know the quiet is because he is vulnerable to the workings of soul which keeps him quiet because the "ignoring" has served the purpose of forcing my fears from me so they could be faced down and killed already.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this man adores me on every level.
To my dear one... I know you love me. It's very obvious when we talk, when the veil is lifted and your true love shines through, that you adore everything about me in a way no other man has, and I appreciate it more than you know. I am so sorry we have had to go through this, and I'd love for it to end soon. All along from the beginning back in November when I was learning all my hard lessons, lessons that had to roll over into last week for me to see them and know them for what they are, life-stealing vices and fears that had to come to a brutal and final end, you have wanted to come back and see me. Over and over through these months you have popped through and spoke about needing to see me. Wanting to hold me. Thinking of my kisses... and I doubted. I worried. I fretted. Never once did you say those four dreaded words that I won't even write here but you know what they are and it was never meant to be, never my lesson. My lesson was to OWN the love, embrace the gift that is your love.
I realize how ridiculous it is to think you could have really just walked away like it seemed you did at first. Deep inside I was tussled. I felt something wasn't quite right but by all appearances you were gone yet it didn't feel right. Something screamed out to me, "This can't possibly be real- this beautiful soul I've grown to know and love couldn't have just left me... he loves me." God Joron it never felt REAL to me, your quiet. Never! It always felt fabricated or faked somehow, forced. Even your clipped strange cold-sounding messages, the ones used to inspire growth within me due to wanting to escape the cold, they always felt forced. The REAL you are your warm compassionate words. I can easily see the difference although at first it was terrifying. I wondered what had happened to you. Now I understand. None of it was real... none of the falsity. Only the love you showed me along the way since this all began has been your true heart.
My love... I know I was not jilted by you, not abandoned or left behind. Not forgotten or rejected or kicked to the curb. No. You are my twin soul and we are connected on every level. You have shown me through the separation and silence that The Divine is real. Our soul connection, the intense proof of it from 2100 miles away, has been miraculous for me. The signs are everywhere- I have an entire collection of songs that I know are from you, and for the record- yes. I do believe in love, our love. Your love.
A few months back while talking you anxiously said, "I feel like I might lose you." I don't want to lose you. I refuse to be so afraid that I shit all over the love you have for me. Yes it's otherworldly, no I didn't expect it and YES sometimes this twin soul situation can make a woman wonder if she is losing her mind but at the end of the day I know one thing is true: you love me fully and your love is a gift. Without you making the choice to strongly listen to your soul in "shutting off" to me I would never have been able to see the signs. Your roundabout "messages" to me when Spirit nudges you after I drink... I would never have been able to read those messages and I'd still be drinking, getting worse and worse and oh doll I was so tired of drinking so much, waking hung over and in fear, feeling so out of control. I needed you to be my twin and run from me so I could see. As my soul says, "Not seeing means repeating." I do NOT want to repeat my lessons any longer. The train stops here. No more learning from fear and pain. From this moment on I will ONLY learn through LOVE. I know you miss me. I know you long for me. You ache for me just as I ache for you... and oh do I ache for you.
And my energy. I ignored it. Shit all over that for a long time despite all the urgings from Spirit to do otherwise. I have been stubborn in my healing but not because I've wanted to be. I get fearful and then my ego-walls kick in. I throw those protective layers of stubborn free will up and I block out all my guidance, and my belief in your love. I fuss and fight and deny and suffer while all along you've been trying to get through to me. I am a Lightworker, So are you- my beautiful joyful bright shining Light of a twin soul and... boyfriend. I loved being your girlfriend. You told me all the time how happy you were to be my boyfriend and you know I've never forgotten that.
"Train Kiss." I passed those tracks today and thought of you. Your wonderfully deep passionate loving tender kisses. I asked for a gentle man and I got one. You are so kind and loving and soft... perfect for me, just like me! I asked God to bring me a man who loved like I do... and how funny but I was brought you. You and I- we are so much alike aren't we? Thank you for holding on to me dear and never letting me go. I know this has not been easy. I can look back now through our emails these last months and see the underlying energy, the secondary messages, in many of them. You told me our love would take sacrifice and Joron- my love- I see your sacrifice. You have stayed single for me, loyal and faithful while I work on releasing my monsters. You have waited for me. Cherished me. Kept in contact with me. When I reach out to you... you answer me. You listen to your soul SO much better than I do, more readily! You've reassured me when I needed it most, and to be honest with you... you must be one Hell of a Lightworker because I've never met someone who can channel Spirit through themselves like you can. You amaze me.
"I want to love you." I remember those words from you when we dated. I wondered back then whatever in the world you meant because you'd just spend an hour telling me that you'd fallen in love with me... but you seemed worried. Anxious, like you might hurt me and I could not for the life of me figure out why since you were the sweetest most loving teddy bear of a man I'd ever met. But you knew didn't you? You felt it, and you were telling me back then for now, "I want to love you." Well I know you love me so it's okay. I am not going anywhere. I love you and even if we were not... a 3D "couple." I love you with an intensity that goes beyond any piece of paper that says "married." In my heart I am yours and I want no other besides you. I don't "need" you dear but I want you, badly.
Andy Gibb's "I Just Want to Be Your Everything." Good one dear, lol. I get a lot of songs from you from the good ole' 1970s when we were children. I love how when we talk you always bring up our being born together, how you always say you know we must have been right near each other. We were brought into the world together so we could breathe each others air, share in the same energy field- I imagine us coming into the world together holding hands as souls up until the very last moment until we were forced to let go and enter into our separate baby bodies. Maybe, like you've said, maybe our bassinets were side by side. Maybe our mothers talked to each other. Maybe we've been in love since the day we were born... or before. I've loved you forever and this is why no one else has ever felt right. I was waiting for you, my one and only. Believe me- I know you want to be my everything. I know you do. I love you so much. I am opening my heart to you handsome. I will let you love me. I believe in your love for me.
I believe in your love for me. It is a gift, a gem. Your love stripped through my "illness" so I could face those fears and shed the "vileness" from inside me... so I could be free. You did not leave me by choice. I know this so please... don't feel badly. No worried. No fear. No guilt. I understand and I love you more for what you have done for me.
Anyone out there can scoff and tell me whatever they want to. Far too much love, magic and healing has transpired between us since we met. Without you I would not have been able to see the signs and messages from The Divine that have cemented my always-wavering belief. Dear sweet Joron thank you for being so gentle with me, my body and my poor bruised, tattered and torn, heart. You scooped up my wounded heart and held it in the palm of your hand like it was a rare piece of china to be cherished. You protected and began healing me with your gentle touch and those sweet sweet kisses. You patience and willingness to just be with me... to enjoy my company instead of what I could do for you, was worth everything to me.
I am so sorry. So sorry that it took me this long to clearly see and drop my fears, anger and resentment. Unconditional love isn't always the easiest thing to have when one is drowning in old crusty fears. Gosh baby I feel so badly for you over last week. I am sorry I backslid to where you had to reach out from across the universe and shake the shit out of me with those... yeah. You know what they did to me. "Wuthered" my illness once and for all, blew it away. Staring my fears right in the face as harshly as I had to see them through you, my mirror, was not fun and not an experience I want to ever repeat. I apologize for pushing you to where you had to be used as my mirror in such a strong and hard way. I know with a deep inner knowing that while they were scary messages seasoned with way too much underlying truth as to how I was feeling inside, my old demons and urges, they were, of course, utter nonsense used to force me to own my Light and honor my life. I don't pay nearly enough attention to the power of my spiritual energy and that has to change now. I wasn't honoring my life. I can't drink any more. I doubt if I ever will again... and if I do, ever, it will be ONE. One small glass of wine. ONE bottle of light beer. I am done consuming alcohol simply for the sake of obliterating my fears of being unloved. I am loved- by you. By God. By soul. By my son and friends and family and by myself. What you did for me last week will never be forgotten, and I will never go back. I never ever will be taught through fear like that again. For the record I know you did not mean those things. They were not real, total untruth but again they worked fabulously to wake me the fuck up. Obviously Spirit knows better than I do how to heal me, finally.
Still the more I have started to see this situation from a place of love and belief instead of fear I can't escape the knowledge of how difficult it must be for you. I recall your message months ago, frantic energy, telling me you felt bad like you had hurt me. How you wished we could start over. How you wanted to see me. I just didn't understand. I didn't realize how much you loved me and that your love was somehow being... kept hidden to push me, and that it can't feel good for you to wonder why the Hell your emotions, energy, thoughts and desire to contact me goes back and forth and up and down. No wonder you told me recently that you have "issues." I know it's not you. I KNOW it. It's because of the mirroring, and I am telling the universe that I'd like to make it, the crazy roller coaster, come to a close now. I would like for you and me to balance out and reunite. I will be patient, loving and kind to you in my words, thoughts and intentions to matter what it takes but I really would like this to come to a close. We belong together, apart is not where we are meant to be.
I hope now, somehow, we can get past this. I know this process is guided by The Divine, and we are loved. Our soul wants us to be together and is working hard to get us there, of this I'm sure. I've always been told that you are helping to heal me and I should have no concern about any illness in you. I am not sure if you are struggling with your own "schtuff" over there but if so- I hope it eases for you. Our union is guided by the same energy that guides you and I. Joron I've fought to listen and believe but without you I could never had done it. Never. You had to listen and play your role perfectly magically well and you DID. It's a freaking miracle, like I am living in some alternate universe, but Spirit speaks to you and obviously you listen. I asked you to call me honey and moments later you whipped out an email to me, addressing me as honey, and you explained all your inner workings- your passionate thoughts and feelings about our educational system, religion, politics, etc.- all those things about you that totally turn me on. I love your passionate caring heart. Yes- you ARE a total Lightworker. Thank you for following your mission in working to help heal me. I will not ignore your love. It is right here. I carry you close to me always.
Together dear... we are so perfect together. Together our light, as my soul tells me, shines so brightly that it lights up the darkness. You've saved me from my darkness dear. You are an exceptional human being and I knew it from the first moment we spoke. Your voice sounds like a thousand angels whispering "I love you." And that smile... oh Joron the first time I saw you smile at me as we walked towards each other, that moment is etched into my memory absolutely forever. So jaunty and bouncy and giddily excited you were to finally meet me. ME. You couldn't wait to meet me. And I loved you immediately. My soul knew you the moment we touched yet I had no idea you would change my life forever.
Come back to me dear. No fear. No worries. No apologies. No need for resistance or anxiety. I am more than ready to embrace you with open arms. I hope that we can see each other soon. I want to look deeply into those beautiful baby blues and this time allow myself to be captivated by your gaze, not looking away. If I fall into you forever... lucky me.
"Just remember I love you and want you to be my future." I know this in my heart of hearts as truth. You are my future. My future is with you. I love you my other half, and yes I know with a full complete thorough inner knowing that you love me too. Again my gem- thank you for offering me the gift of your love. Thank you for leaving me in order to heal me. I know it wasn't easy. I know it made you sad to have to walk away from me. I know the words to "Run" are for real- it was a sad goodbye. You hated leaving me. You didn't really want any of this to happen but it needed to. Thank you for listening to your soul and "hurting" me even though I know it had to have caused you pain and guilt. I love you for your sacrifice darling- never ever will I be mad at you. I am thankful you loved me enough to listen, and I promise you I will not kill your love. I will fight for belief in your love. You know, I'm sure, that it hasn't always been easy to ignore the workings of 3D. There have been times where I did not want to follow Spirit's guidance and being gentle to you and realizing this is all a lesson but overall I managed to do it. I questioned you a bit in the end even knowing I shouldn't {moot point} but I am proud of myself that I embraced the unconditional love I have for you and listened. For once in my life I listened and believed enough not to crush a beautiful love. I know who you really are, my love. Thank you for Enlightening me!
See you soon love.
PS- I WILL write a book about this one day but for now please just feel my love as I journal and blog and take notes for the future. You are a wonderful inspiration.
And lastly- a message to Spirit, to my soul. You know my sweet heart and my loving intention. I am working hard, battling, fighting like the Fierce Tigress of Love I am- and I will continue but I am tired now. I see. I understand. And I love. I'd like my sweet twin back in my life in all ways. I really would. No demands yet I must say... we do belong together and I know you are only working to get us to reunion. It is my goal, my mission, to hold on to his love and never let go. I love him, and that love helps me to shine my Light as brightly as I possibly can. No more fearing, no more drinking. No more stubborn ego-games. I don't ever want to go back there. Thank you for helping to guide me for all these years through my pain, my grief, my sorrow and my debilitating fear. God only knows where I would be without you. I love you and I feel relieved. I've worked hard. I've tried. I feel like as of right now I have turned away from all of my fears, grabbed the bull by the horns, and given it my best shot. I can sleep easily knowing I may have more to do going forward but at least I have put my heart and soul into this and given it all I've got: my love, belief, faith and trust. It may not be a traditional novel but since November I've written about five full books, purged through my gift of writing. I've spent time and put loving energy into helping to guide others through their own dark times even as I struggled to hold on to my own belief. I have practiced my Lightworker gifts even at my hardest moments.
I am proud of myself and my strong loving compassionate Warrior heart.
I HAVE BATTLED MY ASS OFF FOR LOVE!!!
Oooohhh and how badly do I want to love you all over. You'd better watch out because when I do get my hands on you, my sweet little Atheist, my favorite Science Trip, I'm soooo going to love you all over!
"Do You Believe In Love"
I was walking
Down a one-way street
Just a-looking
For someone to meet
One woman
Who was looking for a man
Now I'm hoping (hoping)
That the feeling is right
And I'm wondering (wondering)
If you'll stay for the night
So I'm coming
(I don't wanna be lonely)
(Baby, please tell me)
I wanna love you all over
Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
Do you believe in love
Oh, you're making me believe it, too
Now the feeling
Is beginning to grow
And the meaning
Is something you only know
If you believe it
Take my hand
And I'll take your heart, come on
Now I wonder (wonder)
Where does true love begin
I'm going under (under)
So I'm lettin' you in
My woman
(I don't wanna be lonely)
(Baby, please tell me)
I wanna love you all over
Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
Do you believe in love
Oh, you're making me believe it, too
I used to have you in a photograph
I'm so glad it's changed
But now I've got you and it's gonna last
Do you believe in love
Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
(I'm so glad, I'm so glad)
Do you believe in love
Oh, you're making me believe it, too
Do you believe in love
Do you believe it's true
Do you believe in love I believe in love, too.
Some months back I was driving to drop my son off at the sitters and as I was driving I heard a song being played in my head but it was far away. I actually found myself leaning forward in my seat "straining" to hear the words, to figure out the tune. At first I thought it was Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of The Heart" but upon closer "listening" I found it to actually be Air Supply's "Making Love Out of Nothing at All." It was one particular part of the song...
"Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost
And it's looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know
Well, it's nothing 'til I give it to you."
Well my guidance has told me I am supposed to a beacon in the night, a bright shining light. I've been told this for three years. I've been told that I have a strong soul and I am a big bright shining ball of love energy, and for three years I have ignored that fact. I ran from it. I thought this was one big fat lie. I wrote it all off as coincidence or trickery or I let people around me convince me it was all in my head. I clung to my fear. I drank away my worries. I fucked around with my LIGHT and my LOVE and my HEART and my DIVINE GOD ENERGY. I basically tried killing myself. I drank and screwed and ignored all in an attempt to distract myself from my own self-hatred and feelings of being totally not worthy, not valuable and not loveable. I did not know my own value and I didn't feel loveable.
A while back, at a very dark point, I planned to meet a man who was interested in S&M. He basically was going to hurt me. I told myself I wanted that treatment. My shadows were coming up big time and I'd pushed my guidance out. I ignored my guidance, wouldn't "tap in." The day I was to meet this man, and he wanted to get his hands, and whips and chains I'm sure, on me in a big bad way, I was supposed to email him with my contact info and we were going to meet that night. I was fresh meat and a unique specimen for him~ a new vibrant toy to break. I was at work and e-mailed his gmail account that had worked the day earlier. I sent him my contact info and asked where and when we were meeting.
The message bounced back as undeliverable. I paused. I got full-body shivers and I knew... I knew I was being guided, saved. I KNEW The Divine was protecting me. I also knew I had hit a whole new level of rock bottom.
Time passed. I still did things I am not proud of. I met another loving soul mate and had a year-long relationship with him that, due to how strongly I felt about him, kept me out of trouble in that I wasn't out screwing strangers in order to try and make myself feel better. I started to heal while with that soul mate. And then it had to end. And afterwards... I met my twin soul. I met Joron.
And through all of this I have been guided, step-by-step. He's been this bright shining star in my galaxy that was, in the past, totally insipidly dark and gloomy. He lit up my life, illuminating me from the inside out, and he ignited me... he ignited my fire to start fighting to own my LIGHT. I was letting my light die. I would not believe I was "special" or that God could want to use me as a Messenger of Light which is what I was always told from above.
My darn little Atheist Geologist Scientist twin soul- I love you. Now I understand this song better, why I heard it all those months ago...
I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where to find the answers
And I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
And then I know just when to dream
And I know just where to touch you
And I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer
And I know when to let you loose
And I know the night is fading
And I know the time's gonna fly
And I'm never gonna tell you everything I've gotta tell you
But I know I've gotta give it a try
And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to fame
I know all the rules and then I know how to break 'em
And I always know the name of the game But I don't know how to leave you And I'll never let you fall
And I don't know how you do it
Making love out of nothing at all
Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost
And it's looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know
Well, it's nothing 'til I give it to you
I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle
I can make all the stadiums rock
I can make tonight forever
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made And I can make all your demons be gone
But I'm never gonna make it without you
Do you really want to see me crawl
And I'm never gonna make it like you do
Making love out of nothing at all"
I am told my twin is here to heal me, and I am here to love him. If there is one thing I know how to do it is LOVE. I know how to make love out of nothing... I love HARD, always have. I just had a lot to heal from and Joron has been here all along to ensure I do not fall. I know he is mine, my other half, my soul twin. I love him with all of my heart and I know we will get through all this, and in the end when all the healing and loving is done- we are going to reunite and be together.
There is so much magic around me always, especially through the songs. He speaks to me through songs all the time. I can't wait to see him again. This has been painful for both of us but all for a reason and I can see that now. I am no longer interested in "ignoring my gifts." I AM a Lightworker, and I am here to do more than just waste my life away in self-loathing and wounds. I am so utterly thankful that Joron agreed to his role of helping to heal me- and I am done with overlooking it or ignoring it.
This will be one of my final posts because I have to write a book now. It's part of my mission and I can't continue to run from it out of fear. I understand enough what has happened to me that I can put pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard, and explain my healing. It's time for my to glorify in the love I have for my gem, and the rejoice in the love he has for me, in documenting this all and making it "real" through creating a novel.
So to my twin- Thank you for helping me and for not letting me go- even if I have pushed you to do things you might not normally do, or say, I appreciate you sticking it out for me. Please know I see now- and I will not go blindly backwards into the darkness again. I will hold your hand and let you guide me forward. I adore you and I am sorry you are hurting- because I know you are my dear sweet love. Thank you for helping me to see my monsters so I can face them and rid myself of them forever. You are my gem. Our time will come. I love you.
This is a moment that has changed everything for me on this journey. What happened recently in my soul union with Joron was a brutal slap upside the head, kick in the pants, from my Higher Self in order to save me. And it hurt but was ultimately necessary. I'm still reeling and trying to come to grips with how strong our mirroring is.
I can't shake the memory of how Joron asked to hold my hand on our first date. We walked outside to look at my birthday blue moon and he surprised me by looking at me with those twinkling blue eyes while we walked, smiling and asking me, "Do you mind if I hold your hand?" It was a sweet, quaint, tender and respectful gesture. He wasn't trying to feel my up in the bar. He wasn't trying to make out with me. He wasn't making suggestive innuendos- no... he wanted to hold my hand. We walked along together holding hands and as he ran his thumb across my palm I was rendered speechless and had to look away because I had the goofiest most joyful smile on my face. That date ended with a kiss that made me lose some brain cells, cells I've never recovered. We walked to our cars and as I turned to him he just owned me with his kiss, laid it on me like he'd been waiting all night and could not wait one moment longer. Swift but intense, tongue and all- he took my breath away. Truly a magical kiss on a most enchanting first date. *swoon* He text as soon as he got home and thanked me, asked me for a second date. Showed enthusiasm and a grace that is no longer known around these parts when it comes to men. I fell in love with him immediately.
His is very loving and kind. Sweet with his heart on his sleeve. Oh help me God but when we talked about sex he was always very tentative about it, like he might offend me. We talked about it before we made love because we waited a little while to be intimate, quite a few dates consisting of hours of kissing but no hands straying, lol. Lots of talking, sharing and dreaming. Always highly respectful. Highly. He always said he was looking forward to making love with me because he knew it would be kissy, sweet and wonderful but he could wait, and would wait as long as I needed to.
Whenever he was flirty via email he'd always freak out about it afterwards. Like once he sent me a fantasy and then was all worried in the next message that he may have offended me or been disrespectful. He told me his mother raised him right, raised him to respect women. I had to reassure him that no, he didn't offend. I couldn't imagine him ever saying or doing anything to offend me because he was so careful, loving and considerate. He made me home made perogies and brought me organic beef. And chocolate. He courted me like a gentleman. He babysat for his toddler nieces and nephews even though he had no kids of his own. He donates his time at soup kitchens and worked at an animal shelter. He's having his teen-age niece visit him and he talks to her on the phone all the time because she is hurting... he's like the sweetest man EVER.
I had to lead him to my room the first time we made love. He would not make the first move. I seriously can recall how we'd sit there entwined and making out. He'd look deeply into my eyes but would not make the first move. He waited for me to do it. It was sweet and amazing, and he was so overwhelmed that it didn't even work perfectly the first time despite weeks of waiting and anticipation. I've read that is typical for twin souls the first time because of the intensity. It let me know that he wasn't just looking to hop in the sack and fuck me because once we were in the sack, naked and close, things would not, er, work they way he wanted them to, and it was honestly so sweet and vulnerable how we giggled and worked together to be as close as possible, get to know each other intimately- HE IS AN ANGEL. Afterwards we cuddled and snuggled and had science pillow talk... and I'd honestly pass up all the money in the world in order to have him back with me.
Which is why what happened between him and myself recently shocked me. Blew me away. Broke me open and finally opened my eyes to practicing all that I learn and preach about staying cleansed, whole and positive- loving. See I've been having a real problem with anger here lately. This is why you have not seen a blog post from me. I finally had contact with Joron a few weeks ago after eight weeks of silence. That first contact came after I blogged here about how sweet and wonderful he is. That conversation ended with a heartfelt "I love you Rose." He said he missed me. And I feared. I doubted. I questioned. I didn't listen to my guidance. I didn't write my truth like I've been told to do. No- I barely even journaled and I waited waited waited to hear from him, and contact was slowwwww. The more I doubted, the more I tried to choke down my anger at not hearing from him, the quieter he became.
Spirit... it's how Spirit works with me!
I sent him a pretty picture and got a weak, "You look nice." His responses became one-liners- and I already knew not to manipulate with pretty photos or hot videos. Doesn't work in a soul connection, and it probably tortures him to have to stay "off" when I send him something akin to giving a toddler a piece of really tasty candy. Yet still that strange divinely orchestrated communication would come through, like a couple weeks ago I was fretting about "how much does he love me" and "I wish he'd say good morning like he used to when we dated" and minutes later, 7:28AM Midwest time which means on the west coast he should have been sleeping I got a text {and we rarely text any longer} that said, "Good morning my princess. I love you with all of my heart."
And yet I doubt, right? And the doubt increases my fear and then I get angry and want to block it all out. I get rageful inside, and I am not proud to admit this. And I do mean RAGE. Like... this past Friday night was a bad moment. I was raging at God, my soul and my twin. I said I wanted to die, to just kill me because this is too painful, too hard, too stupid... etc. No more needs to be put into writing. One of my friends who is going through her own twin soul experience called me and had to get really verbal with me to get me to calm down. She told me, "You will fuck this all up if you don't quit." I said, and I hate that I said this and I only write it here in the slight offchance someone might read it and NEVER DO WHAT I'VE DONE. I said, "Sometimes I feel like he hates me."
Saturday morning I was feeling vile. I yelled at my son and made him cry for little reason. I felt no compassion, a total lack of love and light. I faked it. Did our routine. Played, cleaned to relieve some stress but inside I felt really shitty. I was mad that I wasn't hearing from Joron and I hadn't been writing or journaling so then I get all locked up inside. That lead to Saturday night- and I also bought wine Saturday night, drank some. BAD MOVE. My guidance, as you already know if you've read my blog, has very specifically told me and shown me NO DRINKING.
Sunday I didn't go to church. And then I did it: I caved and started drinking wine in the afternoon because, oh I don't know why. Because I refused to listen. And my sister came out with a cigarette so I took a drag of that too when I am SO not supposed to be doing harm to myself: orders from above. I was on the phone with a friend bitching about the "ignoring" and saying some other dumb shit when all of a sudden after a week of silence I got two emails in my inbox. Now mind you the last communication I had with Joron was a phone call that ended with him telling me that YES there was still a possibility of us being together in the future, and he said my son is not a deal breaker but instead a sweet child.
Now, Sunday afternoon about 5PM my time which is 3PM his time and he NEVER ever emails at that time, he sends me two messages that SHOCKED me into sobriety, forever. They came through immediately after I said, "I'm so sick and tired of being ignored." I refuse to detail them completely here but let me tell you the first one began like this: "Sorry... I've just been ignoring you. I've been thinking, and it's only been attraction. I'm going to be home for four weeks here soon and when I come home I want to do A, B & C to you- nothing else. No talking. I come in, **** you, and leave."
And so on and so forth. It was, in essence, Spirit reaching down and shaking me awake saying HOW DOES THE REFLECTION FEEL ROSE? Do you like it? Does that vileness feel good? DOES IT FEEL GOOD TO IGNORE HIS LOVE AND HAVE THAT LACK OF LOVE REFLECTED BACK TO YOU? Go ahead Rosie- fear some more. Create a few more monsters and see how they feel when they come back to bite you in the stubborn ass.
The second message was even worse. The night before I had went out and was thinking of how it sucks being celibate- I was thinking I need to get laid. Spirit spent a near year cleaning me up, making me wholesome and good which is my true nature, and I was beginning to backslide into my self-destructive tendencies, and alcohol helps this process lots hence why I am to avoid the drink. It strips me of my spiritual protection and leaves me vulnerable to being... dark. On Saturday night {and all I could do was go to the coffee shop for a while because I had a sitter- but I drank before I left, like an ass} as I walked past a few bars I was thinking, "I should get prettied up one night and come out, flirt around, etc. etc." UGH- it's all the behavior I am supposed to AVOID. So in his message he wrote, "You are so sexy and beautiful. You could get ****** anytime you want to. I want to come back and..." Okay- you get the jist of it. His words were... a damn strong wake up call. And do NOT, I mean- do not try and convince me otherwise. Do not write me telling me that I am in denial, or that it was all his ego, etc. etc. etc. That is actually pretty damn dumb when you look at the cause and effect involved in the situation.
I threw out some nasty energy, some really vile intention, and he shot that shit back to me immediately. Spirit uses him as an exact mirror for me. As long as I exist in fear and doubt concerning his love for me I will only receive either silence from his end, or else tepid lukewarm apathetic lacking empathy and emotion {affectionless} messages from him- and yes, it is like putting myself in my own self-inflicted Hell. Or if I am REALLY hitting rock bottom then I will be tortured with my own energy... and frankly I am getting tired of kicking my own ass.
I still love my little adorable twin soul with all of my heart, maybe even more now that he is sacrificing his love for me in order to "hurt" me so I will wake the fuck up. I look forward to the day I can look into his beautiful eyes, see his julilant smile, and hug him again while whispering, "Thank you for saving me my Love."
And this is a great book I read right as I began my twin soul experience. I was wondering if I was really talking to my soul and I stumbled across this book. Here is the link:
In this book the author tells a story of how in a moment of terrible strife, misery and hitting rock bottom she picked up a pen and started writing to "God." She poured out all her terror and worry and one day after she began to feel more clear... she got an answer. She just began writing out an answer and then she noticed change beginning in her life: she came to the place where she accessed her soul. I realized then that, yes, I am speaking to my soul too. I journal a lot. Well sometimes not as much as I should but in the past I have always been a journaler. In this book she tells an amazing story about only having like $200.00 for her bills and groceries and her bills alone were over $200.00. She wrote to God of her problem and asked God for help. Her bills came in the mail and mysteriously they all had either miscellaneous credits or the billing was incorrect in her favor. She paid her bills and had $60.00 left {this was years ago before a gallon of milk cost four bucks} for groceries for her and her two children.
Spirit is good but I swear to you there is something truly magical in the writing process. It has something to do with creating energy which turns our requests and intentions into reality. Writing it out makes it real. I read a quote from a guru somewhere, can't remember who it was, who said none of his dreams come true until he writes them down and makes them real.
I had a most surreal experience today that was like BAM- in my face. My guidance, my soul, keeps telling me to write to my twin in my journal. I stopped writing for a while and I have since learned that when I stop writing {and I don't mean teaching on the blog but writing my deep inner heart out onto paper} then life stops for me. Energy comes to a screeching halt. I read through my journals from a few months back and in them I was writing to my twin, telling him how much I loved him, telling God I understood. Yes there was fear and pain but also love and affirmation, and little by little he came back. And when I stop writing he goes away. It's like he doesn't "feel" my love any longer.
I sat outside at lunch today, gorgeous day, under a tree and journaled to my twin soul. I wrote some sweet words, my heart, what I have learned. NO FEAR only owning the gift of his love....
My twin loves my legs, lol. He does. So I got this bright idea to take a picture of my legs and send it to him. So I stopped journaling {stopped going inner, 5D, energy, etc.} took the pic and attached it to an email, and I hit "send" {totally 3D trying to control.}
And it did NOT go through. It should have. My messages always go through, good service here at the university but this one failed to send and was waiting in my outbox as an unsent message. I always know never to re-send a message that fails to send. So I acknowledged my soul and said, "I suppose I am not supposed to be reaching out via 3D methods, hm?" Right then... and I do mean right then, I got a text message. And I knew it. I KNEW it was from Joron!
"I love you. Have a good day." Now for the record we barely text any more. Texts only come through to prove some magical point to me, or when our energy "connects" again and we are "together" for a moment. Then the texts fly and it's all "I love you I want to climb in bed with you I'm dreaming of you I need to see you I miss you..." But then there is silence via text for weeks so when one pops through like today I know to stand up and pay close attention.
What was I shown? Writing "to the universe" or in a journal or to Spirit or God or to The Flying Spaghetti Monster or deceased Aunt Sophie or to your twin's SOUL {not actually to the human version of your twin} unlocks the magic inside of us. Pushing to control through 3D communication does NOT work in a genuine twin soul relationship when the twins are undergoing a separation. Once you connect then it's all good to share your words with each other yet still remember to make them of love. But when the separation continues then go back inner again. Your writing to them via a journal basically becomes telepathy is how I see it. Be loving and gentle and nurturing and tender, please... always tender in your words and energy with your twin. Create a private blog or online journal and make it pretty with quotes and pictures that reflect your dreams. Write good stuff. Write love and dreams and life and LOVE. Work it out. If you need to purge fear then do it there, not TO anyone, most definitely not to your twin soul.
If you really need to purge some fear then pound that shit out then burn it after you've released it. Or write it out on toilet paper and flush it!!!
I am adamant about this: I have healed quickly after months of pouring out my love and guidance on the web... and I think all that writing helped heal me. My intention was always to raise vibration and teach people what Spirit has shown me. And as I did it my twin came closer. When I wrote with belief and love I swear he felt me, or else our souls did the work behind the scenes to make it happen.
And the moment I stop writing or fall into fear he fades away. But when I listen, bam he comes back. And also I manifest. I have been writing to him in my journal and it helps keep my energy clear. This weekend I wanted to find someone to cut my grass. I asked on Facebook and got no takers. I pulled up in front of my house and thought, "God I don't want to spend my precious free time cutting the grass! I wish I could find someone to do it." FIVE MINUTES LATER a car pulled up and a woman asked to cut my grass!!! The same thing happened this winter with shoveling my snow. It works. Totally true and it has something to do with the energy flow. I don't know HOW it works but I know it DOES work. We don't always have to figure shit out. Sometimes we just gotta believe.
So my advice to you is to write it out. Your writing does not have to be pretty or grammatically correct. It can have pictures and trinkets and doodles or even coffee stains or smears of melted chocolate from sticky fingertips... it can be your own private shorthand or written in French. You just need to WRITE and get that intention and manifestation energy flowing! This is all worth writing for ;) But write GOOD positive words. Love words. Dream on paper. Words of hope and patience. If you have to beg God go ahead. Pour your heart out but be aware of your intentions. Please don't consistently pour out fear. Here is an example of Good and Bad choices:
BAD: I hate myself. I am a horrible mother. I'm fat and no one will ever love me {message to the universe... I do NOT mean this- it's for example purposes only!}
GOOD: Dear God, please take from me and heal my fears of not being a good mom, being overweight and of being alone forever. I know these fears are untrue and holding me back. Amen.
Make your "I" statements good ones! I am patient. I am love. I am lovED. I am a successful writer. I am worthy. I am well cared for. I have all I need and want. I am blessed...
The list goes on and on. Good energy!!! Stay positive and in love.
Give it a shot. I'll bet you will, one day, be shocked when God answers you through giving you something you ask for- and when that happens please stand up and take notice- and then try it again!
I'm having a fearful ego-based time of it right now where I am tempted to see this situation only from the 3D. I feel crazy like none of this is real... and that I've been rejected, abandoned, left behind and I am not a priority at all. I feel like everything in his life comes before me, and I am not even important enough to shoot out an email that has any depth or emotion to it. He's so almost deliberately blase' and casual and the words of those around me are echoing in my mind, "He's crazy... he's manipulating you... he's a sadist... he doesn't care..." I hate these moments with a passion and I am working hard to fight through it so the badness does not suck me down. Instead of allowing fear to take me down I'm reminded of how Joron has helped show me I am supposed to drop my masks and not be worried about being judged for my past, and it is my past that tempts me to feel like I am less when the truth is I am memorable. I am unforgettable. I am one to be cherished.
I am a priority. I AM A PRIORITY.
I dated this guy once, just for a brief period. It was right after I separated from my husband and I absolutely did not need to be in a relationship with someone that could have ended in getting serious. I had a lot of healing to do yet. After a few dates I made the mistake of admitting to him that I'd had an affair at the end of my marriage. I don't know why I told him. Guilt? Fear? Spirit-inspired? I was afraid he'd find out in the end and judge me... well, I got that "judging" me worry out of the way immediately because he judged the HELL out of me. He was attractive, nice to be around, a good dad, solid and stable, intelligent and a hard worker. I really wanted to date him, get to know him better. We slept together and, lol, afterwards he told me very honestly that he "felt no connection with me." I was heartbroken. It didn't go much farther, and oddly enough when I look back at it the whole situation reeked of a karmic connection. I never felt comfortable with him just I was attracted to him. I learned a lot in that short time span. Somehow being with him pushed a lot of shit out of me.
After him I ended up "spending time with" a married man. Call me what you will but I needed to learn lessons, some the hard way, and I couldn't be with someone "available" because I was not supposed to marry any of my "catalysts" {and I would have had the situation been possible for marriage.} I was supposed to get love, some tough love, and healing from them but it was not meant for marriage. I was also supposed to learn how to grow in my healing and self-respect to know when to walk away from a situation that was less than I deserved. This was about a year long and WOAH did we go through a lot together. I learned a ton about unconditional love from knowing him because I was forced to love someone wholly and fully while knowing he'd never be mine. We had signs and synchs enough to where I knew he was soul-based but in the end I knew that while he loved me and was terribly unhappy in his marriage he would not make any change to his life circumstances, and the last thing I wanted was for him to leave for ME. He needed to leave for him, and he was not going to. It had to end for us, and my guidance pushed me to end it before I turned 40- which I did and it was extremely hard... but I made that break and told him NEVER AGAIN. And I meant it. I also meant it when I told him I wished for he and his wife to heal and be extremely stupidly wonderfully happy together. I told him to take what he learned from me {he had ED when we met and I kinda worked him through feeling like a man again} and to make good hard love to his wife, to get close with her. Date her, talk to her, seduce her, love her and commit 110% to making it work for himself, her and his family. I am not sure if he's done this... he's wandered back my way a few times and I've had to push his energy back where it belongs, and that ain't with me. I will NEVER be with someone again who is committed to someone else. That time in my life has come and gone. I'd much rather be alone than sharing myself with a man who goes home to his wife. Pretty plain and simple. I'd much rather stay single and wait for my twin than be with anyone who will feel like less.
Then weeks later Joron breezed into my life, and you already know that story. Let's talk about MASKS for a moment. I put on my mask with him immediately. I fell into that fear that he'd find out I cheated and judge me {obviously was an issue for me.} I wanted him to think I was sweet and innocent and pure and wonderful... when in actuality I'd went through a Hellish Dark Night of The Soul where I acted completely opposite the woman I'd known for the first 38 years of my life. I know I had to go through those dark times in order to reach the light but part of me feels badly for that woman, and I often just like to think of who I was before and who I am now- and I am no longer that person who sank to such depths of self-hatred. BUT- that does not mean I am not now sweet and pure and wonderful. Innocent? Probably not, lol. But my life has been pretty well transformed and I don't need to feel shame for where I have been. There was that initial mind-reading moment where he dreamed of me hiding something from him, and that very night he sat next to me and as I was thinking of the affair he looked at me and said, "Did you ever cheat on your husband?" He gave me the opportunity to tell the truth and he did not judge me one bit. Never has. And then he asked me recently if I'd ever had a one night stand, and I have and I dislike that I did. It's not the "real" me- it is the wounded, badly in need of being healed old me. I lied that time. I was too embarrassed to admit it to him- and I momentarily forgot that when it comes to soul you CANNOT lie {shouldn't lie at all actually} and I told him no.
I've since told him that yes I did have a one night stand and I am not proud of it. For some it is okay; for a soft, tender empathetic emotional soul like me- a one night stand does NOTHING but make me feel disgusting and lacking- it was *not* a good experience, and it was of soul. I was being shown something that night. And I explained this to Joron when we talked recently. I took off my "perfection" mask with him. He let me. He wanted me too. It felt fabulous. I explained that it wasn't who I really am but I'd had some bad moments after feeling so rejected by my husband. Again no judgment. What he said later was that he was so happy I'd waited to make love with him because it showed him that I'm special and that I thought he was special. He made me feel all shiny and new again after... these three years of at times feeling like I was living in Hell on earth. It's like he reached inside my heart and took the raw and beaten lumber there and chose to build a temple instead of the tavern I used to feel I was... and my heart just melts to think of how sweet he is. We are special. It's like he's this balm for my soul when we talk. He lets me take off my masks and be who I am- the messy, imperfect, mistake-making, wounded and being-healed ME. He's not judging me, and he's forgiven some crazy shit we've been through. I'd wondered if he loved me unconditionally- and I know he does. He said we love each other enough to get through it...
I know I am being pushed through my insecurities but sometimes it gets really scary. I miss my friend, my love and my soul mate. I hate the quiet when I know it's for a purpose. Sometimes I feel exhausted trying to believe believe believe yet I know it's all true. He loves me and is still forcing me to face my shit.
Mirror mirror on the wall... it's past time to let all the masks fall.
Warning: another personal-type posting, not so much to "teach" but to share my thoughts. I broke down the other night and wrote my twin soul a "novel." I used to write him beautiful messages when we were dating, and he loved them. I SO miss our communication!! Unfortunately I was going to be taught a really hard lesson on what happens when a should-be author doesn't attempt to write and get published; I had my "gift" and pleasure of writing romance to my love taken away from me. But the other night I was overwhelmed with a desire to pour my heart out to him so I took the chance. It's been months since I've shared like I did the other night. Here is just the beginning:
"There are key moments in my
life I wish I could go back and do again, and most of them I wish I
could change something. One I wish I could do again but I'd change
nothing is our first date. Honest I wish I could go back and repeat our
first date over and over because it was the best first date ever. Best
birthday ever. You were the best fortieth birthday present ever. I
remember seeing you walk towards me and I thought you were just
adorable. And you hugged me and you felt so good, familiar even though I
didn't know you. LOL- who knows, maybe we did see
each other through our bassinets forty years earlier... I think those
little bins babies lay in are transparent, aren't they? And you had the
sweetest smile when you told me I was as beautiful as you knew I'd be.
You made me blush and gave me butterflies immediately. And when we got
inside the bar to sit down as we were sliding onto our seats you made a
comment about songs and their lyrics. You said you liked music and
some lyrics hold a lot of meaning, and you said, "Like this song" that
was playing right then in the bar. LOL. It was NIN "Closer." The I
want to fuck you like an animal song. I thought that was funny but it
also showed me that you had a naughty side yet you didn't scare me at
all. Some guys can be scary when it comes to being sexy because it's
obvious all they want is to get laid. You obviously didn't come across
like that but your comment about the song made me laugh. And
it made me want you bad. It made me wonder what kind of lover you
would be. I assumed both warm, loving and kissy as well as a good hard..."
Okay you get it. No need to go on.
He's my love and I felt he could handle it even if I didn't get a response. His response was... calm. I knew better than to write it with any expectation {and it got progressively naughtier from here} but I had to get it out. It's been ages since I've written about "love." Or written with love. I've felt forced to write about twin souls, and I am so tired of writing about "The Process" or my experience. I last wrote about love in a blog post about Joron, the one where I reminisced about the man I knew when he was here with me. I literally felt that creative love energy brewing inside of me; when I let loose with my words all that electricity, longing, lust, desire, love, passion... it churns and swirls inside of me and become a huge creative force. And BAM minutes later Joron asked to speak to me after a six week silence. Obviously there is some correlation there.
Spirit has always told me that my creativity, that energy I create, is my "magic and manifestation" but I didn't really believe it. Now I do.
Jenna Forrest is a woman who speaks of and writes about Twin Souls. Her website can be found here: http://profoundhealingforsensitives.com/ Jenna's recordings about twin souls totally helped me a few months ago when I was struggling to believe; her soft gentle demeanor as she explains the process, the mission, the union and the need for utter and complete unconditional love echoed what my own guidance was telling me, just in a different way, and it helped me hold on when I almost gave in to doubt and disbelief- and I would have seriously wounded my twin soul union had I lashed out at my vulnerable, loving, confused and emotional twin. My guidance had been pushing me to write write write and to draw and be creative but I had refused. Then I heard Jenna talk about creativity as a step in twin soul healing. She said at one of the later stages {and I know I've already hit surrender} it would do us well to turn to a creative endeavor and *channel* the love we have for our twin into that work, to use them as our "muses." This really struck me since my own guidance had told me from the start to get fucking creative again, already!!! I am an artist who creates no art... a dreamer who resists dreaming. A creator who does not create- and it's killing me because in not being creative I am not generating that "twin soul energy" that has probably been brewing inside me since I was a child. Personally I think Joron's essence has been guiding me my whole life and I just didn't realize it. So my long-winded point is I feel confident that doing something really creative that builds, grows, strengthens, generates, "brews" that love energy inside of you is MUCH needed when it comes to twin soul reunion. It redirects your focus back to you and your output yet you don't necessarily have to "run" away or escape or let go. Instead you concentrate on something good and healthy instead of obsessing about your twin.
So my e-mail. He told me he liked my words, that I am too much. He said I am such a good writer, and I should write romance or "some type of naughty novel." SO so so SO true, and I am sure that was from Spirit through him. He ended his message with, "You are like the perfect girlfriend." UGH- do you see? I'm so being shown... he wants to be with me. But while I am not truly living, not being myself or exploring my gifts, my energy won't connect with his because he's out there doing what he loves- and I am stifling myself. I write romance like a champ. That shit flows out of me because I am hot-blooded through and through, and I have one Hell of an imagination. There ain't no Shade of Gray I can't top once I let my words mix with my emotions to create a combination of... totally passionate intense lusty love. And not some shitty dime-store novel romance either; I don't like cookie cutter romance {although they are published I am not so...} but my work is emotional and deep while being exciting, funny and quirky. I am quirky and it comes across in my writing. So does my sassy side. All the bits about me that most people don't know about, my inner world. The REAL me. Not this "me" people assume I am. I am so much more than what people assume I am.
I've written about pirates. Vampires. Parallel dimensions. Cellular memory. USOs {Unidentified Sea Objects, lights in the water.} Mediumship {talking to the dead.} Artificial trees being sold, financed like cars, in a world where humans ruined earth to the point where no real trees grew any longer. My newest idea is a story about me and my two girl friends opening a Cajun restaurant in Indiana called "Three Crackers And Some Gumbo." Yes we are all three whiter than white and I think it's funny. Maybe not PC but funny.
All of my books circle around love, solid strong passionate love. I wrote about soul mates before I knew what they were, lol. I channeled so much and didn't realize it. Writing keeps me healthy and strong... but it's the love writing that really does it for me. Getting lost in a story. Growing so passionate about a topic that it is all I can sleep, eat, think or breathe for months. My family says I get "obsessive" but I call it passionate- and I feel badly for them that the passion I experience never flows through their veins.
I quite literally must have come from the stars because I absolutely without a shadow of a doubt do not belong with or fit into my family, God bless 'em.
My ideas come from Spirit because they hit me with the force of an out of control freight train and gather speed while I write like a fiend, and often I know very little about what I'm writing. I love research though- and the info seems to just come to me when I need it.
Lately my guidance keeps tells me, "Ignore your gift and be ignored." When I see how every time I delve back into writing Joron comes through to me I assume this must mean when I create good strong energy he feels me and reaches out. No I don't mean "If I write then I'll win him back" but I've been blocking out my gift of writing and it's killing me. Really killing me, and I just can't write about this twin soul thing right now- not unless I find a way to fictionalize it and romanticize it {more than it already is because under a week ago my twin was moaning my name on the phone and it was pretty darn sexily romantic.} I feel stifled and dead inside, like the walls are caving in around me- and I know it's because my passion died for a while. For some reason Joron is being used to show me this, and it's time for me to pay attention because there is a writer inside of me, not just a blogger but an author who deserves to be published.
I want my name in print, on the side of a book sitting on the shelf in the bookstore. I've always wanted that. Authors are my rock stars, and I write wonderful love because I am a giant ball of glowing unconditional love.
I'm exhausted with trying to know my "mission" and plodding along trying desperately to write a book about twin flames to help others when I'm in the midst of trying to KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER. God can't possibly expect that much from me. My love is still up in the air, and I need a shift in my focus is all. I will always love. I will not run from him, and I will not distract through the arms of another man or through booze or something equally self-destructive.
But I can write. I can readdress my sexy Vampire Jeremiah and make love to him for a few hours through the key board and send all that Smexxor energy to my twin. There will be no actual knicker-dropping or bodice-ripping happening around these parts until my twin soul is standing before me {then, oh then, watch the fuck out because it is ON!} but I definitely can write about it and it will make someone smile.
Anyone who needs to know something specific that I've been taught about twin souls, who need to know my words, will be lead here to my blog. Otherwise it's time to bust out the Big Guns and let my imagination live again.
It seems most people around me canNOT understand, accept or empathize with my love and "forgiveness" for Joron. I have told Joron he does not have to apologize to me. This is, by far, the strangest experience ever, and with Spirit telling me that he is being "orchestrated" by soul I can't, in good faith, be angry with him. As a matter of fact this situation with him has shown me a brand new more freeing way to view the world and the people in it where people and situations are brought to my life to test and challenge me, not as personal assault or criticism. This allows me a higher level of forgiveness and understanding for people when I know that through them I am learning lessons, and through me they are also learning. We teach each other.
When it comes to Joron I try to, at all times, assure him that I will not be angry with him. Months ago a twin soul psychic {one of the only two I've consulted} told me, "You will get an apology soon." Back then I wanted one. I didn't believe all of this malarkey about the "soul orchestration" or that he didn't just run off into the California sunset leaving me behind to deal with the worst winter of my life. Then a few weeks later I got a frantic e-mail from him. His energy felt desperate and pained, and it was not in relation to anything I'd sent him. He said he felt like he'd hurt me, and he was sorry. That he wished I could visit him, wished we could start over. Wished to kiss and hold me again... and I got a really strange sensation like he didn't understand what was happening. He was hurting. A wave of empathy washed over me and I immediately responded that he didn't have to be sorry. He wrote back and said thank you but he still felt bad, and again he just didn't seem to get it. It's always been where he seems to want to move forward but just can't. So we stay in "soul mate limbo" while we continue to learn... and love.
It's not easy when people around me see me as "hopelessly" hanging on to a lost love- yet he is very near me. They won't believe the telepathy, can't see that he's helped save me, are unable to understand the level of love, affection and empathy I have for my twin soul. And MAN does it show me how naturally unforgiving most people are. "I couldn't do what you are doing. I'd have told him to fuck off ages ago," is what one friend recently said to me. Others just kinda pat me on the head like, "Poor thing... she's got no pride." ARGH! I was recently asked why I am not dating. I said I am still very much in love with someone no longer "physically" in my life and you'd think I'd grown a second head- *gasp* Cherish love? Hold out? Hold on? Be forgiving? We live in this crazy society of running through lovers like we change our shoes, or get bored with a handbag that no longer suits us so it gets tossed and a new one is ordered. Sheesh. That is just not me.
Forgiveness is powerful, and I've always been one to say that only God needs to forgive- not me. I don't need an "I'm sorry." I teach my son to apologize because it is "the norm" but I don't need apologies from people. I love them whether or not they say "I'm sorry."
This does not make me a Pollyanna or a floor mat, thank you very much. Personally I think it takes a whole lot more strength to forgive than to resent {although it comes easily for me.} Also- when you hate someone you totally give that person power and dominion over you. There is such FREEDOM in forgiveness. Now I know some affronts are harder to forgive. I'm not trying to be preachy here... I'm just saying I've noticed how easy people are to strike someone down now that I've been through this experience with Joron.
There is a lot of estrangement in twin soul unions during the separation phase. Joron and I went six weeks with no communication, and this is directly after he promised to come see me then fell off the face of the earth; most women would have been angry. Mom mom said, "Well what are you going to do when he contact you?" I said- be happy and welcoming... and she just kinda sighed. I think many twins who go silent are probably SCARED they won't be forgiven. The last thing we need to do is place a guilt trip on them.
But see- these unions are nurturing us, teaching us, to reach beyond 3D and many people do not like this. Many of us want to continue with "well I'm going to teach him a lesson now!" thinking, and I don't ascribe to that line of thought. I am being shown with Joron that unconditional love and forgiveness is all important. No attitude. No cattiness. No jealousy or trying to make him jealous. Transparency is important... I tell him I am seeing no one else. I slip in who I went to the movies with, or that I attended the wedding with my family so he knows I didn't have a date. If I were to want to make him needlessly worried when he's over there trying to help me learn my lessons- SOUL WOULD KICK MY ASS, and I don't want to needlessly make him worry. And no GUILT. I do not make my twin soul feel guilty. I can't really take the plunge and explain to him about twin soul connections so the least I can do is assuage his feelings of badness over going so long with no contact, over feeling like he forgets me, or whatever else makes him worry that he's got some kind of "problem" when we slip into silence.
These experiences are all about being as pure, genuine, loving, transparent and kind in thought, word and intention- and this means not holding grudges for the silence. Estrangement is uncomfortable for both parties; it's not fun. That lengthy silence creates a chasm that is hard to overcome- but with loving intention, gentleness and subtle reassurance it can be healed. If I were to tell Joron how much I hurt, how sad and disappointed I am, etc. etc. do you think he'd be able to easily reach out to me when the time is right? No. I don't feel that is his lesson to learn, to be made to feel guilty. I see this as a lesson through Spirit where he is playing a role to push me via my hatred of the distance and silent. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe some will disagree with me but I've always felt going easy on him through the silences is what is best.
If I were to come to a point where I could see I was being deliberately ignored, taken advantage of, disrespected or mistreated- I'd nip that shit in the bud immediately. But as of right now forgiveness is what comes more easily for me. Always has, for everyone. I've always said, "I can't hold a grudge to save my life." I might get hurt or even angry but it flares and then disappears. Not that I'm patting myself on the back but for some reason I just don't have the "hate" or "resentment" gene, and that tendency to be forgiving works out well in this twin soul situation!
Bottom line is I love him. I love him enough to dig down deep and BELIEVE what is happening to us and in doing so all I can do is treat him with warmth, love and kindness. My heart overflows with love for Joron... and I hope he realizes it. He is SO scared to come back and see me and I know some of his terror comes from soul and it is manifested in him feeling like "How can I see her after I've continued to ignore her?" All I want is for him to be standing in front of me so I can touch his face, look into those beautiful baby blues, and tell him it's all okay and I love him.
