Hug

 

Don't Give Up- Peter Gabriel

This is how I wish we could hug.

xxoo

Jen 

Thank You

 

I remember our first date.  I know it would sound strange to most people but even though it's been seven years I still "feel" it.  I feel the memories.  I can't help it.  I've said over and over on here that I am "normal" and sane, well not really normal because I manifest strongly and have "supernatural" experiences happen to me all the time so I guess I'm not really normal and that's okay.  But I am super stable, down-to-earth and a really good person.  And I still remember James even though it's been seven years.  Like get over it already, right?  Well it's not like that.  

This picture reminds me of our first date.  We sat at the park on a bench and looked at the sky and talked.  It was the most beautiful evening and experience, and birthday.  My 40th birthday, my gift.  It was the best night ever.  Seriously.  I liked him from the very start; he was perfect to me.  So sweet, so intelligent and mesmerizing and adorable and friendly and respectful and overall wonderful.  My heart aches.  I still miss him so much.  

I wish I could tell James thank you, but in person.  I wish I could thank him for what he showed me.  I so wish I could have a totally open conversation with him where I could tell him, "Yep this is how it was for me," and explain that knowing him, the connection I shared with him back then, made me have to finally believe and accept that I am a strong manifestor and he, as my strongest mirror, showed me everything I should NEVER think, or speak or write.  That if I focused on what I didn't like, or what I was scared of or worried about, or doubts, that those things would show up in my life as reality because I was creating my own life with those thoughts, beliefs, etc.  He showed me that in a way I could not ignore.  And I wish I could thank him for that because I saw it, clearly, and I believe it fully and I live my life by always realigning my focus to the best things I want for myself and my life.  Because he showed me to do that.  And it was so so so hard, challenging and painful for both of us.  I put him through a lot with my energy, and I wish I could say thank you and I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, and all I do is love you.  Every day.  Love you, still.  Please know that I still love you, and I always will no matter what.  I will go to my dying day realizing how special you are to me.  

It really is true what is said about "twin souls" or "twin flames."  The connection is real.  It lasts.  I can't really explain to you what the connection is.  I know that for those four years that I was in contact with James we had strong telepathy even if he didn't realize it (and he didn't need to realize it because he did his part perfectly whether he knew what was happening or not.)  I could think something, or speak it, or write it down and he would typically email me and reflect that thought back to me somehow.  It is an eerie experience because you suddenly realize energy is real and life is more than you ever believe it could be.  Your thoughts are not your own.  The universe hears them and sends you people and experiences that "mirror" what you are thinking.  It's really strange when you start to actually see that happen in your life.  Luckily for me James came into my life and he showed me all of my erroneous thinking and beliefs that I had to clear in order to have a very happy life.  And I thank him for that.  After those four years, after I stopped hearing from him, I still get signs.  I get "nudges" when I don't feel like writing about him or keeping him in mind, and when I do think of him or speak of him or write about him I get the signs all over again.  So the energy is still there no matter what.  And I think that is very special.

I still miss him though.  That's the challenging part.  I wish I could walk with him and talk, and maybe hold hand.  And be friendly and intimate and talk and be open and honest and I wish I could tell him that I've missed him every single day since October of 2013.  Every day.  Not a day has went  by where I haven't thought of him.  Or spoke to him in my head.  Or wished I could see his lovely smile again.  I imagine dancing with him, holding hands and talking, smiling, loving each other, even quiet love.  

I've gained weight.  Not a ton but enough that I can tell.  And I'm gonna tell you why.  Sometimes I still ache and I long to do whatever makes me feel good to override that ache so I eat and I still really have to work hard on not drinking too much alcohol.  When I met my boyfriend Dave it was VERY hard for me.  You have NO idea.  I had it in my head for four years that I needed to be alone and not be with anyone else, and it was deeply ingrained into my heart and psyche that I did not want another lover besides James.  Four years is a long time.  But I loved him so much.  And I didn't have it in me to be with someone when I loved another so much.  Like how could I do that?  The lack of honesty and transparency would have fucking killed me.  I couldn't do it.  And then I met Dave and told him all this seemingly crazy stuff about James and all he said was he understood, respected my love for James but asked me to please let him love me anyway.  And I liked him which grew to loving him and caring about him and here we are.  We are happy.  But... I'm not always content because I still love James and I still ache.  I still wish.  I still miss him dearly and, no excuse, I think for a long time alcohol just helped take the edge off.  So I drank.  And I went out to have fun and I've gained weight.  But oh well I guess it could be worse.  I've been working hard on cutting back.  Most of the time I do a good job.  But I still ache and that can hurt.  I just wish I knew him again.  I wish I had him in my life.  I miss my friend.  My love.  I'll never forget.  I still love him and miss him.

It was this time when I was getting to know James.  Talking every day.  Planning to meet.  Getting to know each other was great fun.  He was so exciting and fun.  Easy to talk to and he always wanted to talk.  He wanted to know me, and he put the effort in.  He was excited too and he showed me.  He was happy to show me that he was happy to know me and wanted to know me better.  Friendly, cute, special, kind, funny, talkative, responsive, respectful, open.  He made me laugh.  He made me hopeful.  I loved knowing him.  I loved having him in my life.  I looked forward to hearing from him.  I looked forward to hearing his voice and talking to him into the wee hours of the morning.  We became buddies fast.  We were like-minded in many ways.  I can still remember how I felt knowing him.  I remember, and it aches.  Bittersweet.  It was such a great exciting fun time in my life knowing James.  This weather makes me think of him.  Funny how memories can be so strong even seven years later.  So much has happened, changed.  I've said time and again on here I have a great life.  I do.  I have a super happy awesome life.  My son totally just told me, "You are the BEST mom," and walked away.  I am so blessed and fortunate to have huge love in my life.  I am blessed in every way.  I really am.  I have a great happy life filled with so much good stuff.  Yet all of that still doesn't stop the fact that I remember James and I still miss him and love him and wish I could talk with him again.  I miss my friend.

I miss my sweet friend!!!

Jen