Songs...

 

I woke with a song in my head this morning which doesn't really happen anymore.  It used to a lot.  It is a magical experience to wake with a song in your head that you've never heard before or maybe you heard it 25 years ago, once.  I would grab my phone and google the lyrics before they disappeared from my mind to find out the song, to read the message it would give me.

"Goodbye Girl" is the song.  It holds strong meaning for me because the song it about a man who has left but is assuring the woman he loves her.  He tells her goodbye isn't forever, goodbye doesn't mean they won't meet again or be together again.  But the strangest part is when he sings, "Because the things you do my goodbye girl will bring me back to you."

Anyone who has read my blog knows I fully 100% believe, and still do, that James and I have a strong energetic/spirt connection, soul connection.  The strongest of anyone I've known.  And I know that he mirrors me.  I've never believed (or been shown) that I mirror him.  He's been the one to show me.  All along.  I still believe that he fell hard in love with me, and although I don't like to mention it or focus on this anymore- it stings when I go back to look at the journal I kept while we were dating.  I LOVED HIM SO MUCH and that terrified me!  I had a very strong fear of when I fell hard in love the man would, for some reason, leave me.  Like something would come up where he'd have to leave me behind even if he, you know, kinda loved me.  It was a suck-ass fear, and I think I understand now where it came from.  I had "insecure attachment" issues that I've since worked on healing.  But in my journal, and remember I'm a super strong manifestor and didn't realize it then (or else I would have NEVER ever written such things!) and I would beg God not to "make him leave" or let him leave me.  I was nervous that he'd want to go, to move away, and I couldn't go because my son has a wonderful father here.  And I was just so scared even though we had the start of the greatest love relationship!  So I'd focus, secretly, on being afraid he'd leave, and I WROTE THAT SHIT DOWN!  *ugh*  All that energy... focused on my worst fears.  So yes, I will always believe I "manifested" him leaving, and I STILL believe and know he loved me and never wanted to leave.  I just know it.  And it does kinda still haunt me.  

Then I had spirit begin to really speak strongly to me, and it scared me.  I was just a big ball of terrified, hurt, heartbroken, in love, energy.  Oh to go back and hug that poor suffering woman.  It makes me cry.  I hurt so bad, and I was so confused and all I could think of was "See?  It happened.  I'm not loveable enough!"  It was the absolute darkest time of my life.  If anyone out there is in that place I hope you read this and realize it is NOT because you are not loved.  It is the "twin flame" connection.  And it works to rid us of those fears, to show those fears to us so clearly, so we heal ourselves of them so we do not continue to KILL OUR DREAMS with those fears.

*sigh*  But I was also shown that I could fix it.  I could clear it, focus "rightly," focus on love and truth and somehow "allow" him back to me.  I saw it happen a few times.  He did get nearer.  He was the loving kind man I met, the loving gentle funny sweet dear little soul I met, dated and fell in love with.  He was able to be because I focused on love and truth.  Unfortunately my fears crept up over and over and over again, and I know *I* kept him away.

So, this song.  I was shown this song and the words hit home because they clearly tell me that the things *I* do would bring him back to me.  Not placing the responsibility on him.  It was always on me.  I did try.  But I had fears still.  

He was here once, three years later.  Three years.  And we spent the evening together and it was like a dream.  It was the last time I've seen him.  I miss his smile.  I miss his warm embrace.  I miss his smile.  

I met Dave... over a year later, a year or so after the last time I saw James.  Four years apart.  And when I met Dave little by little I stopped writing, stopped "trying."  It felt better to just LIVE and enjoy my life.  Sometimes hoping, hoping all the time, wore me down.'

Still though I miss him and I wish I could see him and talk with him again.  Hearing this song as I woke this morning shocked me because it's been so long, and the only message I can take from it is "The things you do will bring me back to you."  The only thing I can do is focus on the love, the goodness, the happy memories.  There's nothing else.  Spirit's shown me that.  I do enjoy getting the signs and messages.  It's been a while and sometimes I forget how magical my life was through those four years.  Mini-miracles happened often.  I experienced situations that many people never have or will.  I've never stopped being in awe of the miracles.  Of the signs.  Of the radio station changing on its own to play a special song, of spirit talking to me through my pendulum, of spirit speaking through my son to me.  I remember one day my little boy, about five years-old, looked up at me and said so seriously, almost imploringly, "He loves you mom!  James does love you!"  I remember how hard spirit tried to show me.  I remember James texting me and saying, "Good morning beautiful.  I love you with all of my heart" when I was worried if he really did love me.  

I wish I hadn't been so scared.  If I could share wisdom with someone who is in separation, wondering what is going on, truly feeling like they are in a twin flame/twin soul connection- try not to be scared.  Or at the very least don't focus on your fears.  Try to ignore then.  I wish I would have just allowed myself to miss him and love him, cry all the time if necessary over the ache I felt because I grieved over the loss of him in my life, and let that deep longing cleanse my anger and fear.  Let yourself miss him or her.  Love them.  Let yourself love them.  Let that love cleanse you on the inside.

It's a challenge.  Yes sometimes the thought of seeing James again and talking with him, honest discussion, seems like a fairy tale.  But I know in my heart it could happen.  I believe in manifestation.  I believe in the miracles.  I believe that if I focus my energy rightly then spirit could make it happen, put the pieces in place.  I feel that's what the song is about- a reminder that goodbye isn't forever.  Goodbye doesn't mean we will never meet again.  Because the things I do could bring him back to me.  I let that go often.  And just live my life.  But it sneaks up on me.  Like a tidal wave it crashes into me and I have a good cry.  I can almost feel him.  I can "see" him sitting next to me, telling me he needs to sit on "his side" of the couch.  I can feel what his arms would feel like around me.  Even after all this time.  

I think that if he knew how much I still love him, no matter what, and what he means to me he would only think lovingly of me.  I think he would find it endearing.  He was always so sweet.  And kind, understanding, and he loves hard.  He told me he loves being in love, loves love, loves falling in love and I know he thought I was sweet, cute, spirited and he felt gently towards me.  I know it.  I get this sad feeling like I just KNOW he wished he could have reached out to me, calmed me, soothed me, eased my pain and "make it all better."  I think it made him sad to know the pain I was in.  I still hold all of this inside of me.  I can remember the times he'd reach out and I could feel the longing and the missing and his own pain, like he wished SO MUCH that he could be with me and see me and hold me and kiss me.  He told me he wished and hoped he could come back and "be intimate" with me.  I cherish his choice of words still, "be intimate" means to hold close, to cherish, to love, to snuggle.  

Pillow talk.  I know he wanted pillow talk with me.  

That "knowing" haunts me.  It does.  I know it's hard to understand but now that I look back with no fear coloring my truth- I can see and remember how being separated from me hurt him too.  Because I was worth missing too.  I just didn't realize it back then.  

It's so... ugh.  when I met Dave, after a month or two, his best friend who lives in CA kept pushing him to move to CA.  And I told spirit, "Just no."  I wouldn't even consider it.  I told spirit that I am worth being here for, that I am so loveable I know it's not even an option.  And that was and is my truth but I know it was for James too.  He wanted to say here with me.  He told me but I was too scared to listen.  He told me if he fell in love with the right woman who had a good family (yes to both) that love could make him stay.  If then were now I'd take out my journal and write a hundred times a day that James is a solid good wonderful man who loves me tremendously, and I am thankful for that strong dear love, that I cherish it dearly.

I say that about David.  I cherish his love.  Love is love, no matter who it's with or from.  I am very thankful for Dave and his love for me.  VERY.  Focusing on love and being thankful for love is a very good thing.  Being grateful for the love in my life is important.  I'm trying to be very focused on love and goodness right now.  There is a lot going on in the world to distract us from focusing on the good in the world.  The other day I was feeling really crappy.  I was talking shit about someone I just really don't like, and I shouldn't have been focused on this person.  I can choose to have this person not be in my life.  That's all I have to do.  That night I had dreams about, well, shit.  Literally.  Poop everywhere, on the walls, floors, etc.  I woke knowing I was being shown not to have such shitty energy.  If I keep talking smack then I'll start dreaming of having nasty crud coming from my mouth.  Signs, spirit trying to grab my attention, show me what I am doing wrong so I can make it right that way I don't keep at the negative until I create something negative in my life from it.

I try to listen!  So focusing on love is a good thing.  Staying soft on the inside.  I used to battle with such terrible anger (another thing James showed me I needed to change) and while I've overcome that pretty well I still work at staying soft and loving.  I'm far from perfect and I have to reign myself in, remind myself and often very specifically shift my focus to where it needs to be when I'm focused on something I shouldn't be.  So honoring love is good.  No matter who the love is coming from, as long as it is good, healthy pure love.  Nothing but love.  I can't go wrong if I'm focused on love. 

It would be so sweet if James could come back and mirror me now.  I feel like I've cleansed a lot of what was inside of me.  I'm softer (on the inside and outside both lol!) happier, kinder, gentler.  We practice no religion whatsoever; it's not a part of my life at all.  But we thank God and pay attention to God, spirit, kindness and being loving good people.  That, to us, is what's important.  I feel in my heart that James is my one and only "twin soul" and he would still love me tremendously because he's my mirror.  He'd love me and show me my goodness.  I wish that could happen.  I wish he could come back and treat me like he did when we met, before my fears kicked up.  Those were the most blissful weeks of my entire life.  Best time of my life.  I've had other amazing times in my life, believe me!  But I can't deny that those times with James were the absolute most blissful times of my life.  Truly the best gift.  I'm blessed to have love in my life now.  But damn I still remember that bliss, a bliss like none other. 

I miss him.  I still love him.  I wish I could see him and talk with him again.  All I remember is the goodness, the joy, the kisses, the laughter, the smiles, the jokes- he made me laugh and it was a good thing, a great thing.  He was patient with me, respectful of me.  I would love to experience that again with James.  I miss my friend and my love.

xxoo

Jen