Love

 

You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

I remember when I spent my last evening with James as his girlfriend before he left, back when he was leaving for a new job and we were going to be dating long distance.  It was a beautiful and sweet evening.  As he was leaving he hugged and kissed me, told me he loved me and he said, "This isn't goodbye.  It's until we see each other again."

Years later I did see him again, once.  We did say bye that night, and he told me he loved me.  Lots and lots of time and space have passed now but *still* I realize how majorly special, odd and unreal the entire experience with James has been.  I still say "has been" because I will NEVER give up on hoping I will be able to meet him again.  

Someone left me a message asking me if I am married.  Yes, I am now married.  I got married in June.  I've already mentioned here that my husband is a very sweet, dear, kind and loving man, and he knows about James and accepts how I feel.  Still it was a really difficult decision to get married.  I know how stupid I sound but I had to state to him one night soon before we got married, "You know I still love James, right?  Even though he isn't here, even though I know it sounds like a fantasy or fairy tale or nothing real, I still love him and I'll always wish and hope to see him again, and I can't guarantee if that miracle were to happen that I would not still love him even if I am married to you."  He said he still understands.  And that's that.  Dave is a lovely soul.  I'm absolutely blessed to be married to him.  I do love him dearly.  I've expressed many times that it's a different love, a different feeling, than when I was with James and... well, what can I say?  Dave is my dear friend, my love, my buddy, my "partner in crime" as we call each other.  We get along very well.  Seriously we have a great relationship.  My son adores him.  Dave's like an angel in our lives.  THIS is why I do realize that if a person ends up in what totally feels to be and appears to be a "twin flame" connection- you really can love someone else.

Too.  I think that's the kicker.  I love James, and I always will.  I know I'll remember him for the rest of my life.  Of course with the passing of time comes the tempering of emotion, especially of longing and sadness.  Honestly I don't think I could have lived much longer with the intense ACHING I had to... love him again in person.  And I do not mean sex.  I mean- I just longed to see his beautiful face and hear his laugh and hold his hand and be his friend and to KNOW him again.  And that longing and aching HURT so so so much!  

I read a quote a long time ago, and it might be somewhere here on my blog, that the sad longing a person feels for someone who is no longer with them is just love that is intended for one person but cannot be given to them.  For a few years that love would gather up inside of me until I was overwhelmed and would release it either as bouts of intense crying or sometimes the ache hurt so badly that I would get angry.  I got tired of "hurting" from loving someone so much.  It taught me a huge lesson though, one I try to keep in mind today.  Let me explain, and I wish that anyone going through this would understand something important.

JUST LOVE THEM.  Allow yourself to MISS them.  Have no worries that "missing them will manifest the absence of them."  That is SUCH bullshit!  Ignore 99.9% of the spiritual "rules" every got damn money hungry snake oil salesman "Twin Flame Expert" will try to impart on you.  Here it is plain and simple" JUST LOVE YOUR TWIN SOUL.  LOVE.  Even if it hurts.  Even if you cry a lot.  Even if you feel miserable and want to eat ice cream alone like a hermit for weeks.  Avoid anger and fear.  Do not think about "but he's the runner."  JUST LOVE.  And when you love someone who isn't with you, who you want to talk to, someone you long to lay eyes on, to see their beautiful face and winning smile and sweet soft voice... when you dearly miss someone who you became good friends with, who your heart made a lifelong connection with even if it only took one night to do so- HONOR THAT CONNECION.  Don't let anyone try and make you feel badly for that love!  Somehow a new "spiritual" movement came about with the energy of love=weakness and that shit IS. NOT. TRUTH.

If I could go back to five years ago, before I met my husband, I would not be afraid that missing James was "wrong" somehow.  I spent a lot of energy trying to harden myself and then I would get angry.  It was when I allowed myself to just desperately love him and miss him and ache for him that I healed the most.  I remember those moments, crying so deeply because I loved this man with my entire heart.  

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I promise I know what I am talking about.  Had I just let myself love him, focused on that love, reveled in it, wrote about it and focused on why I loved him so much, brought his memories close, cherished them, compounded on them... then maybe we would have ended up back together because, and here is the kicker, twin flame/twin soul connections and all about manifestation.  And I will go to my grave knowing that whoever is "left behind" on the receiving end of the silence is the manifestOR.  

I did not get there.  I tried.  My energy was too intense, and my fears created a lot of crap that I could not "let go of" and I just did not get what I wanted back then which was to be back together with James.  Now I share my life with a wonderful man who is dear to me.  I will not lie.  I will not say, "He is the love of my life."  I am honest to my heart.  I love him.  He is absolutely precious to me.  I make it a point to protect him and remind myself daily to only treat him well and with kindness because he is an angel sent to me to help me heal my tattered, war-wounded heart after going through an intense soul experience for years. 

I'll always love James.  Sometimes I feel badly for him because he got mixed up with my fucked up ass when he met me.  I can't believe how afraid of love I was back then.  I was SO afraid that I wasn't worthy enough to be loved for "the long haul."  That I was sooooo easy to let go of and forget.  And James had to heal me of those lies, and it was not easy and I will always love him for helping me to know my worth.  This is why I know in my heart that no matter what transpired between us he loved me and he wanted to stay with me.  I just know it- I'd bet my life on that.  Now I realize that I am worthy and valuable and memorable and when someone falls in love with me they fall hard and want to hold on.  I still wish I would have realized that eight years ago but... James helped me to finally know my truth.  I do love him for that.

Oh, man I still hope that one day I'll be able to sit down with him again and talk.  Smile, laugh, and I know I'll still love him very much.  

Funny, I still get signs.  Recently Dave, my son and I were at breakfast and out of nowhere my son said, "Doesn't James like this?"  Something we were eating, and oddly nothing we ever spoke of.  But my son, he was SO pointed in how he said it.  He looked right at me and said, "I thought I remember you said he liked this."  It was a bit awkward, there was that long silent pause, but I was thinking- there it is, another reminder.  And not long ago we were talking about my son's favorite subject, Science.  He said something about James.  And he said, "James is a really nice guy."  And I wanted to weep because yes, yes he IS a wonderful and sweet person and GOT DAMN please realize that fears and doubts will majorly fuck up a twin soul connection.  Ya gotta know truth, and truth is always goodness and love.

I'll hold on to those memories forever, no matter if they transpired over a short amount of time.  He treated me dearly, with such patience and respect (especially for my body and my consent.)  He looked at me like I was... a goddess, and he told me so.  He was literally perfection when I knew him, everything I had ever asked for.  My dream come true, and I'll never forget that.  I miss him dearly.  Now I miss my friend.  We spend a long time talking and sharing and becoming friends before we became lovers and honestly all of those long deep conversations and emails and texts stick out in my mind so so so much more than being physical.  We didn't have a lot of time for that.  It was sweet and good but we spent more time kissing and laughing and talking and holding hands and writing to each other than making love- so those are the things I miss.  I just missing talking to my friend.  I do.  So yes, I still wish that I'll hear from him one day soon and can know him again.  I would love to have James be a special part of my life.  

I'll wrap up by saying that LOVE is the best energy, and I have to remind myself of that all the time due to life's challenges.  Whether I love my son, or my husband and this man I remember with such warm fondness, who I hold close to my heart, it's all good because LOVE is best.  If we feel love then we are all good.  Never ever worry about loving too much.  Love is strength and goodness. 

Take care  xxoo

Jen