"It is now time for caution but not for fear." ~My last fortune cookie 12-2-14
-Ahhhh. I was thinking today. Could you smell the burning? ;) I was thinking who cares how hard I love or how much I believe in my twin soul's love for me? How hard I work towards reunion? How far I allow myself to fall into trusting what my Higher Self and The Universe is showing me? Do I have all the answers? Do I know for sure the future? No. I don't. But I know one thing for sure and that is Joron is a good man. A very good man.
As a matter of fact we are BOTH good people, both my twin and I. And I am not one who believes that there is no "good" or "bad." Some people work to be loving. Some people act like asshats. Maybe that is their soul progression in this lifetime, to experience being a total asshat but I don't give give them a free pass and say "Oh it's just duality." NO. We all must learn how to be good loving people on this earth. Humanity needs love and Gaia needs it. Joron and I are both good people. We do mirror each other. This is why when I met him for the first time and we walked together hand in hand I looked at him and marveled at how I felt like I was walking with myself. Loving him felt like loving ME. I can see how Joron is a reflection of me, and his love is and was very pure, gentle and unconditional just like I strive to be.
I miss my love. Really that's all I can say at this point in my journey. We are being asked by Spirit, by God and by our Higher Selves to BELIEVE. To know our own energy, To accept healing and work towards it. Healing does not come on its own. I do not believe one can just pray to God for healing and expect it while doing things that are harmful to oneself. I can't expect healing if I am smoking and drinking and FEARING. Nope. And to get over those issues I've had to do the work. I had to stop drinking. Put the smokes down. Not turn to any vices and that includes talking about this twin soul thing all the time, rehashing it with friends, needing constant affirmation that it's real. There comes a time when we are expected to accept it as truth and move forward, and I know I am at that point now. And it's a scary place to be, honestly!
Looking in the mirror is a frightening experience. Especially for me. My twin soul journey has been intense with strong strong mirroring. For my twin soul to email me for no 3D reason and say, "Go fuck yourself!" is... ridiculous really. I should find it laughable yet a small part of me hurts. There is still healing to be done if it hurts. Belief to be had. Defending my twin soul AND my own loveability means NOT believing my mirror but instead seeing those things I need to still work on. Working on defending who Joron really is- that is part of my journey, my mission, as his twin soul.
My twin soul does his part playing his role in our twin soul mission. He stays quiet despite wanting me in his life. That man has shown me at every turn in every way that he longs for me like I do him. He was deeply deeply in love with me when we separated. He quite literally went from "I want you here with me now" to "It feels tainted somehow." And it wasn't true. He had to say it... he entered into the moment where he can ONLY mirror what I feel.
Think about that. HE CAN ONLY MIRROR WHAT I FEEL right now. How frightening is that for those of us who fear love? Who doubt. Huh! Something to think about, hm? If our twin souls can only mirror what WE feel then we'd better get ourselves cleaned up pretty darn quickly and this means shutting out all the haters and holding on to only belief. And love.
Honestly that's what this has been from the beginning when the separation started, even before. We loved each other and that's how it begins. I feared it so much. Relationship grew very intense and strong, and I lost in inside. He then was offered his dream career so far away and immediately took it. And that's when it really stared. I had feared he would leave me and he did. Then I was afraid he'd forget me and he went quiet. And then all along the way if I did a little something to really put forth faith and belief in him, in this process, in listening to Higher Self and holding on to the fact that somewhere below the silence Joron still loved me- he'd pop back through. One time I heavily manifested some dreams about our future and he came through that night out of the blue. Another time I calmed myself for a few weeks, did a lot of inner work, found some peace, did a bunch of writing in my journal and he really came through hard. That's when we were supposed to definitely meet back in April but I watched him fade off again. I got super scared and doubtful. We'd reconnected and he asked me for some sexy videos. Said if I made him one he'd make me whatever I asked for. Well it was suddenly like we were dating again, norm for us in the connection, so I made my video and shot it off to him. A few nights later after some long phone calls and more re-connection he emailed me telling me he'd made the video {moaned my name at the end} but it would not attach to the message. He said he was fed up trying and would try again later, said he was sorry.
Well immediately I felt... disregarded, like he was lying to me. I SCREAMED out through my energy and thoughts, "You fucking liar! I mean nothing to you, right? I made mine for you but I don't mean enough to you for you to do the same for me. You just used me."
BAD MOVE. Bad bad move. And to show you just how weird this is... all I wrote in my response was a very calm, very calculated "Not a problem! Must be technical difficulties! Hopefully it will work another time. Sweet dreams!" Fine, right? WRONG. And I knew it. I knew it!
I literally felt him immediately pull away. His next messages grew distant little by little, and I freaked out inside more and more. And scarily I knew what was happening but was powerless to stop it. And one day he was gone again. I fell into that weird borderline-psycho state where for two days I text and emailed asking him to please respond but he remained totally deadly quiet for nine weeks.
The really sad part about all of this is I know in my heart that he hates it. He gets so giddy and excited when he returns, and now it's been so long. It's like his love for me explodes open and BOOM there he is in all his dreamy sweet sensually innocent extraordinary scientist glory. We will end up on the phone somehow, the mirror showing love and openness for the moment, and when we hang up he immediately texts me, "I hate saying goodnight or goodbye. I want to stay with you forever." He never holds back his affection when we reconnect. It is in my face, true, strong. But it is damn scary when he goes quiet again. Or when I lose it inside and he writes to me something like, "Sorry I didn't respond all week! I'm just a scientist who pushes everything off for his science! Gosh I know you probably don't want that guy but don't think I can change. I sure do miss your kisses though!" <--- fucking weird and so not him. All that is him is that last line. He does miss my kisses.
*deep sigh here* My twin soul is aching to be married to me. He's told me so. I've felt it. His "I need you in my life. I need you." Or his "I'm afraid I might lose you." A warning to me to watch my energy. Be careful. My last fortune cookie told me like it is- told me to be cautious with my energy but not to be fearful.
See I still fall into ego and blame Joron in my head. I won't even recite here what I say to him in my mind but it isn't pretty, and those thoughts will keep us apart. None of this is my sweet love's fault. There should be no blame. He is just playing the role of my mirror, no matter how unbelievable it is. It's like this: as a soul we split into two so we'd each have a perfect mirror to see ourselves in. This way we don't walk through life being totally unaware. When it was time for me to really split open and be cleansed I met him. And I can't ignore myself while knowing him. All my craptacular fears and lies about love, all my skepticism and doubt and suspicion about him i.e. "is he really who I think he is?" come back at me through his strange cold words, his deliberate intention of "No relationship talk!" which insinuates this message of "I don't want a commitment or relationship with you" and that is a damn LIE. Just a few months back he was talking about when we are married, telling me I'm his dream girl. UGH!
Gotta love the Internet. We mirror to each other mainly via email. He hits me with that cold shit and I respond back with love because I know it's the mirror. I know if I were to lash out at him then it would cause an even bigger chasm and I am not willing to dig my hole any deeper. My Higher Self is standing there with an even bigger shovel going, "Are you sure you want this?" I know better than to react to the mirroring as if it were truth. So I ignore it. Or I try to. Sometimes I get scared but never mean. I only respond with love and this tells me that if I am his mirror... all I send him is love. This is because deep down inside, in my heart and intuition, I know Joron is a dear man deserving only of my love. Nothing less. So I send him nothing less than love. On the rare occasion that I think bad thoughts I attempt to banish them right away.
I think my last main hurdle is sending this home. Concentrating the energy. Believing enough that I do my writing, follow through with my intentions. Do as I am told, and I don't always, Or nearly. I need to be more cautious with my energy. Take this as serious as... my destiny being fulfilled or not.
There are a ton of twin souls out there stuck in resentment with total walls up. That will never bring anyone to reunion. I also don't buy into this idea of letting it all go. I think that might slow any mirroring but it's not going to bring them back if wanting them back is what you desire. Forgetting will mirror forgetting. Disinterest will mirror disinterest. I think only holding on to the love, nurturing it, believe in them, trusting in the love they are, will do it. Because again it is that mirroring.
Sorry to be repetitive but as you can see I am working through my own road bumps here. It is not easy being separated from the one I love most in the world besides my little boy. I love Joron like I love my kid. It's not thrilling right now though. It's not thrilling to be this enmeshed with someone I only knew face to face for seven weeks. Who swept me off my feet, spoke all my dreams to me, was perfection walking around in a man's body, and loved me like no other and then disappeared leaving me with signs and symbols and synchs and messages and songs and actual contact from him via email, text and calling, and speaking through my son that causes me to never be able to forget.
I love him though, and I don't want to forget. I am strong enough to hold on. We deserve it. I deserve it, so does he. My helper soul. My buddy, My love. If anything I hope he knows, his soul knows, how I am pulling for us. I don't give up easily. I think that shows. I'm a fighter ;)
I had a dentist appointment today, tons of stuff done. My teeth look pretty but stress has really screwed up my mouth. Like twenty shots of numbing, two hours of drilling, and a bunch of other stuff. I put on my headphones, sat still and breathed deeply with my eyes closed. My dentist told me I was so calm, so relaxed and very easy to work on. Yeah- it's because I have very little FEAR of anything much now. I used to fear a lot. Now I'm like "meh." After staring this fear straight in the eye and saying "I don't fucking believe you so leave me now and do not ever come back" it feels like there is not much I can't face.
So again- I am saying to the universe that I do not believe what I am shown through my twin soul except for the love. I know none of that other crazy shit is real. He loves me. He is still the very same loving kind man he was when we first met. That sweet guy who walked up to me, hugged me and told me, "You are just as beautiful as I thought you'd be." The one who kissed me like he was owning me at the end of our date but who asked to hold my hand first. Who didn't try to make any moves on me in the darkness of my home. Who spoke of love and openness and the universe and who went swinging on the swings with me. So charming and endearing and genuine. Boppy in his cute little walk. Innocent in his desire to be loved and to love again. Perfection. THAT is the man I love, not the other shit. No more. All that fear is all nonsense and not real, and I don't want it any more. I accept and believe only love.
** Funny how we can recall the little things with the most vivid clarity. Until the day I die I will remember leaving the bar and walking side by side with him, this new man. Little and adorable I recall glancing at him and thinking, "He's just too perfect. What's up?" I was comfortable with him. Excited. So happy! I could not believe I'd met someone so like me, so amazing, so easy to talk to and so damn cute! Oh! The streetlights literally shimmered through the silver at his temples. He keeps his hair cut very short but leaves the very front a tiny bit longer and he sticks it up. LOL- too cute. Both Joron and I don't look our age. We look like ten years younger, or ageless. He's so youthful. I love his legs, bowlegged. We fit well together when we walked. He was smiling at me, so open and bright and he said, "Is it okay if I hold your hand" and when I said yes he looked down and took my hand, my left hand in his right, smiled again as he looked me in the face, and we walked and talked. And the feeling of our palms together, and him gently running his thumb over my hand, was incredibly mind-numbing. I melted. I honestly lost my heart to him that night. Our souls met again. They'd waited for a long time and that was the night. My birthday gift came to me. I miss that man. His humanity, his mind, his heart, his soul, his body, his smile, his eyes, his lips, his arms, his kisses. There is nothing I don't love about him, and I refuse to apologize or feel stupid or weak for that. To love is my prerogative. And I do... I do love him with my whole heart.
I look forward to when his hand once again is where it belongs, safely wrapped together with mine.
Sweet Reunion. A leap of faith.
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