Dreamed Into Life

I haven't heard this song in a really long time.  "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You."  It says, "I think I dreamed you into life."  Whenever I hear those lyrics I think of James because yes I did "dream him into life."  I asked for him very specifically.  Every last thing.  I wrote it all out.  I asked God over and over for this man I had in my heart.  And then one day he showed up.

It's so hard to lose the dream you asked for and brought into life.  I had him here and then he slipped right through my fingers, and I've missed him ever since.

Yes things in my life are different than they've been for the last four years.  I love someone else too.  I didn't mean to.  I didn't ask for this one.  As a matter of fact I kept saying that James was the only one and for some reason I met someone else.  He is sweet.  He is a lot like James in his energy.  I take it day by day.  I can't live how I was living.  It was killing me.  I had very little joy in my life.

I am thankful for the love in my life.  I am thankful for this person I've met.  He is darling.  But none of that means I love James any less.  I miss him.  I love him.  I think of him, everyday.  The only want I could ever be close with another man is if that person understands the state of my heart, and he does which is a miracle.  He accepts me anyway, even though he knows I love someone else too.  Oddly enough he seems to think I am just that special and loveable.  Go figure. 

I am just trying to love now.  Feel love.  Be love.  I am working really hard to fend off any anger that comes up due to me not having what I really truly want in my heart most, and that is James.  I did not ask for a substitute, and this man is not that.  I love them both.  NO ONE could ever take away the love I feel for James.  Or the fact that I ache to hear from him or see him. 

I miss my sweet friend.  I miss my sweetest friend with all my heart.  At the same time I am staying in a place of feeling blessed to have love in my life, some from afar (I know James still loves me) and also love that is right here with me now, and I needed this love even though I was really focused on staying militantly "faithful" to my twin.  I am human and it feels good to be able to share love with another human being, no matter the situation.  At the same time, though, I can hug one person and still miss the other one at the same time.  I've never actually loved two people strongly at the same time.  One it is just a joyful happy love, and the other- I still miss with every cell in my body. 

Jennifer