Wish That You Were Here

This ache is still here.

I miss James.  I still pray to hear from him.  To see his beautiful face again.

I wish that you were here.

To sit down with him and talk, talk like we used to, honestly- real.  Normal.  Friends.  Like two normal human beings... would be a miracle and a dream at this point.  I want that so much.  I think I want to talk to James and have him be normal and friendly and real and honest and "the James I knew" is what I want most right now.  Oh to see his sweet friendly cute little smile!!!  I need to feel his arms around me!  I totally dream of sitting down with him and being able to talk to him, really talk.  Like friends.  Like we used to.  And hug each other.  I wish we could hug each other.

Oh my God how I wish we could just quietly hug each other.  *sniff*  I miss James so much.

No matter what happens in my life (and lots has happened fast and unexpectedly) I still have this yearning for James.  I love him, always.  No matter what.  I just love him.  I know I always will. 

I am taking this time in my life as an opportunity for me to try and be as loving as I can.  Yes there is someone in my life; I can't even explain how it happened.  But I've been honest with him, brutally.  This man loves me dearly.  He also knows I love James very much.  I guess I have enough love inside of me to love two wonderful people.  In order to stay balanced and not freak the fuck out over the changes that have happened in my life I am only telling the universe that I am thankful for my blessings, thankful for all the love in my life- but I refuse to give up or "move on" or not hold on to James.  No one can understand, really.  I just feel I am supposed to see James again, talk with him, be honest with him.  I need to tell him how much I love him.  How much I care and have cared.  I need him to know I really have tried.  I have.  I've loved him since the first day we began talking.  I lost my heart to him the day I met him when he walked up to me smiling and hugged me telling me "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be."  I MISS JAMES FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL.

As I already wrote on my blog in recently posts I did meet a man I am spending time with.  We have a very unique "relationship" and connection.  I love him but in a different way than James.  It is not the same.  I care for this new person.  He needs a lot of love and tenderness, healing through love, after losing his wife to cancer and battling along with her in the hopes that she would survive but she did not, and he's been suffering badly.  I am a twin soul, right?  Is it any surprise that he met me and "felt" a spark for me?  The first woman he's felt anything for since he met his wife over twenty years ago.  But I chalk it up to being twin soul strong love energy.  It feels like the right thing at this moment in my life.  I care for him.  He cares for me.  But he knows my heart; he knows about James.  I was honest, and I still am.  He knows I have this strong heart desire to hear from James again, to see him.  He knows... I made sure of it.  He has explained that he and I are good for each other because we understand each other when no one else really would.  I understand that he very much still loves his wife and misses her, and he still cries- even sometimes with me and I am totally okay with that.  I just hug him and tell him I understand, and he says that most women would not be so soft and understanding and caring about his grief- he is happy with me and loves me but he still mourns his wife.  At the same time I still love James and miss him dearly and hold hope.  I will not "let go" and he knows this.  So it's a similar situation, in a way, and I've been honest.  I think this man is the only man who would accept being close to me, loving me, being kind to me and spending time with me all while knowing I absolutely love and adore someone else at the same time.  But I care for him and love him too.  For example, his house needs some major TLC.  His wife was weak and sick for a long time, and then she was gone and he's been sad and suffering.  He needs some help so I've been helping him, and I don't mind doing so.  Day by day is all I can do.  Be thankful and enjoy my life.  Be loving.  Thankful for having this new happiness in my life.  Yet still I love my twin.  I think of James.  I wish the best for him.  I hold him close in my heart.  I cherish him even though he is not here with me.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't know how to stop loving him, and I don't know how to not wish to see him again.  I can't stop wanting him in my life- I've never stopped wanting him in my life even though we've been apart for so long.

I don't know where my dear twin soul is right now.  But Northern California is on fire and I hope he is okay.  I still think of him pretty much every waking moment of every day, no matter what else is on my mind or in my heart.  My dear friend- I love you and I miss you.  I pray you are safe and okay.

xxoo

Jennifer