Jesus told us to "live like a child" for a reason. Children are innocents, clear and pure until society programs them differently. Teaching them a loving moral way of life begins in the home and I am a conscious aware parent who has tried so so hard to raise him with love and patience so he can be like the child Jesus told us to be- a happy, loving, carefree, joyful, worry-free human being. I will do my best to help him carry that joy into his adult life.
I'm proud of myself that through all of my pain I've been able to be a "good" loving mother. My child has always helped me though, without him in my life I'd be dead right now. I've said that before (I know) but there were moments in these last four years that we so horrid, so painful, so fearful and frightening that I would have killed myself had my son not been in my life. He's always been there when I needed a hug or a cuddle. If I cry he always extends his arms and hugs me and pats me and tells me it will all be okay, or he will say "Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath mommy." He used to say to me when I'd cry, "You miss James mommy." He knew. My son has an old dear soul inside of him; I know he is my soulmate and I can't help but think that as "soul friends" we must be very close. Parenting takes on a different outlook when you look at your child and KNOW inside of him is an energy that is a dear friend to you- yes I must "parent" his humanity but I know he has a loving kind soul inside of him that loves me a lot. I almost feel like he is with me more for me than I am for him. I managed to love him well despite my years of being pretty sad, etc. I'm blessed to have him in my life.
I have a few thoughts I want to share here, and I will create a different post as a reminder about MANIFESTATION. I still believe this "twin soul" journey has a lot to do with teaching us about manifestation. It shows us how we need to be aware of our energy, in charge of our energy, how we must own what we create because we ARE creating, and I still believe those of us with a twin soul/twin flame are having a "crash course" because when the twin mirror comes along- shit gets real really quickly.
Honestly I am not sure what to think right now about James and his "human" role in my life. I still believe he's loved me all along, loved me when we dated, loved me dearly when he left, loved me all through the silence and keeping quiet, loved me through the rough mirroring, loved me through the distance and time... and he still loves me now. I believe that when he wrote back in summer last year to tell me, "You're right! I do love you. I always have" he was telling me the truth. I believe he meant it when he told me he wants me in his life.
I just don't know what to do with it. I've tried. I AM human. I get lonely. It hurts being away from the man I love most, not knowing anything about him, where he is, what his life is like, not having him in my life like I do anyone else I know, all my friends. It feels heartbreakingly painful, and I honestly feel that is why I met this other man. Because I was hurting too much. It's all I can think of, not to mention he, David, was hurting so much too- and love heals. I love David, and he loves me too. Love is a good thing. It's sweet. I have no idea what my future holds right now. I am enjoying my right now.
I am happy, and I needed to be happy. I could not grasp happiness with how I felt missing James and being alone at the same time. Now I still miss James, and I love him so much, but I'm no longer alone and I am not joyless. Because when you take a mixture of joyless+missing someone deeply+total loneliness it equates to complete misery. It is nearly impossible to find happiness in misery. I am happier now. I have love back in my life. David is a wonderfully loving kind person. He is good energy. There is no settling. I am not in a "lower relationship" or anything like that. He is my energetic equal, and our energy is good. Loving. But we were both sad and sinking and struggling with heartache. We've made each other happier.
But still I don't know what the future will bring. I still miss James. Loving David has brought me so much happiness but the one thing it has not done is stripped away my sadness over missing James. I still get sad. Friday morning I had the house to myself and I was on my knees keening out loud over how deeply I ache because I still miss James. David must be an angel too because he asked me later- he could tell I was upset. And I told him exactly how I feel. I miss James. I know he loved me and still does. I feel like he wanted to be here in my life- and I cannot handle not knowing him. In other words- I told David I CANNOT HANDLE the thought of "this is it." It can't end like this.
Cannot. It cannot end like this. I told David the thought is torturous for me, and it hurts deeply because I miss James and know we have not had an honest conversation since he was here four years ago and I need truth between us. I need to hug James and talk with him. I can't believe I cried laying next to Dave, cried over James, cried over missing him and still hurting and loving him, and David reassured me that no matter what he loves me and respects my heart. He told me, tearfully, that he'd told me from the start if my "dreams come true" with James then he'll respect that- even if it will hurt. All I know is... SERIOUSLY. How in the holy Hell did I land such huge real unconditional sweet amazing love from another human being?
What did I do to deserve such an angel in my life right now? I wasn't looking for him. The day this all began I'd been sitting at the arcade writing in my journal, frustrated. Asking God why? Why? Telling God I miss James so much- just let him be here. Let me talk to him. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why does it have to stay so quiet? What do I have to do? I'd already shut down multiple men who'd approached me with my standard reply: "I love someone else. I'm not interested." The universe KNOWS how I felt! I was trying SO HARD to be committed and hold on and fight for my "union" with James. And then all of a sudden Dave was there and later I realized I'd dreamed vividly of him and had signs before I met him. Of him. Of being with him (and in my dream it was okay- bittersweet, not James, but okay- loving and okay even if not... the #1 angel I truly wanted.) Not like settling but... right in a different way. In the dream I knew I was in a "committed relationship" with this person but I couldn't understand how that was possible since it wasn't James, and at the time I 100% was not planning to be with anyone else.
So I ask myself... how? I don't feel like I manifested it. I was focused on James. Still. But also still dying inside. I hurt so fucking bad, day in and day out. I can't help but wonder if God just knew I couldn't deal any longer how it was. And maybe Dave couldn't handle dealing with his grief and loss alone anymore either. And we were brought together somehow?
It helps me realize I didn't go looking for it. I wasn't being reactive. I was honestly trying. I still love James. I miss him so much. David knows this, and I am SO blessed to have (the only man) a man who accepts me and loves me through my honesty in admitting my huge love for another man. I am so blessed to be able to be honest and not hide my feelings. David told me he'd rather me share what I am feeling than keep it inside or hide it, even if I tell him some things he'd maybe rather not hear. That is like... not even HUMAN.
It's magical really- totally loving. I do feel blessed.
Overwhelmed too though. I don't, of course, tell Dave 95% of what goes on in my heart; I don't want to hurt him. This weekend I cleaned his house- it needed it. I like helping him. I love taking good care of him. I really do love him, and that love feels good. On the other hand it's bittersweet because I want to do the same things for James, cook for him, take loving care of him... I want to share a home with James. But James is the one not here, and I tried and tried to do what I felt I was supposed to do in order to allow him back to me. But he still is not here in my life and I guess God felt I was not meant to be alone any longer.
David has told me that he'd love to share life with me. He told me this morning, "You belong with me." *sigh* He's so sweet... and I don't mind that he shares how he feels. He does feel totally comfortable, like I've known him forever. Which is why I can only live for "now." I make no promises about a future. I can't do that. David knows this. He accepts it because he loves me and he is enjoying each day with me. I am trying to just enjoy knowing him, enjoy finally being happy again, enjoy having love in my life, being thankful with no worry. While also loving James in my heart.
I have not been writing and affirming like before. Maybe I should be. I'd still like to hear from James, know him again. I can't begin to tell you how much I want to have an honest conversation with him where we can both be 100% truthful and honest and real. Mirrors ONLY of love and truth. Only. I really wish to speak with him again where all of my shit is cleared and he can be himself again, freely and clearly, and being himself=being love. Caring. Compassionate. Loving. Kind. Gentle. *sob* I need that some day. I need to be able to hug him and be real. Hug and speak freely. Not discuss the past. Not rehash, no no no. I just want to be able to tell him how much I've loved him. How sorry I am, sorry... for all he's had to go through with me. I want to tell him I know he is a good person, the man I met and fell in love with. The angel of a man who was good to me and my son. Who took the time to visit me and talk with me and keep in contact with me. Who told me what I good mother and woman I am. The man who brought me his homemade perogies and, lol, organic grass-fed ground beef because he knows I love cheeseburgers. The man who told me repeatedly how beautiful I am to him, my smile, my mind, my thoughts. The man who waited patiently to make love with me, kissing me night after night, telling me he would wait for me. He just liked being with me, near me, holding me, kissing me. Our kisses were real, real love, and I know James loves my kisses. I know he loves being close to me, and I know he never wanted to leave me. I KNOW this. He told me he'd wished for me, wished to find the right woman for him, and then he met me (after his own share of not-so-perfect relationships) and we were SO GOOD together. He was so so so good to me. We fell in love. He was wonderful to me. Sweet, kind, patient, caring and careful with me and my heart and my emotions. He was so gentle and tender. I still miss him so much. Even with a new love in my life, even with new happiness and added joy, I STILL miss and ache for James. It is two separate things, to different energies.
I miss his smile and his soft sweet voice. I miss his warm embrace. I miss laughing with him. I miss how he'd come into my home and hug me. I miss sitting and talking and kissing and touching- just kissing and hugging for hours and hours. That was heaven to me, so intimate yet so innocent and sweet and kind. PERFECTION.
No, I've never recovered from losing all that love and truth in the blink of an eye. There are times where part of me feels like maybe I am meant to "move on" now and leave that all behind as good memories and a learning experience. But then another HUGE gigantic part of me screams out NO- no no no. I REFUSE to accept that as "the end." NO WAY. Our love was too strong, too real, too honest- I need truth again from James. I need honesty. Real. A loving exchange. Friendly too- we were and still are friends. I know that is truth. I don't care the time that has passed! He fell hard in love with me, and James told me (after we separated) that he knows he loves me more than I even love him. He said he loves me to eternity times 100000. He told me, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever." I know so much has happened and time has passed BUT I also know my connection with him in special and unique. It's not just human. It is strong. I have faith in my belief that his love for me is real, is truth, and he still loves me no matter what.
Love happens I suppose. I love them both. Other people might think I've moved on but I have not, and David knows this. He knows I love them both. I try to bless Dave's life as much as I can. He is so easy to love, very sweet man. Pure goodness- I hope he is also a reflection of me and my energy because that would mean he shows me the love I am, what I deserve, etc.
Last Friday night I was so happy that Dave was able to go out with me and PJ, my sister and her boyfriend, and my friend and her kids for PJ's birthday. He would normally have been working but was able to go with us. We both got fortune cookies and man oh man- they were poignant. Even he knew his held a message... don't try to understand it- just enjoy it. We keep getting message to "enjoy" and love right now. So I am. I am having faith that it is all GOOD and loving and meant to be like this- but that doesn't mean that I have "let go" of my twin soul. I only have love for James, and I dearly dearly need to speak with him, hold him and hug him again. I have this feeling like we are meant to hug each other for a while. More hug than talk. But hug, hold each other. Intimacy. James once told me, "I HOPE and WISH to come back and be intimate with you again soon." Intimacy can mean so much- varied... a hug. A long embrace. Hugging for hours. Soft quiet discussion. a gentle touch of a face or hand, holding hands walking together, gentle kisses... fully clothed. I think James wants to be here and be "intimate" with me- sweetly, quietly, dearly, gently. Honestly and lovingly. That is what my heart tells me, and I really wish... to know my dear loving friend again like I once did, laughing and holding hands and sharing freely and being kind and tender to each other. Honesty.
I hope he is happy and well taken care of wherever he is. I always wish that for James. I know my blessings and am thankful for them. I love James a lot. I am blessed that he (out of all people on earth) is the earth angel who ended up my twin soul. I wouldn't want it to be anyone else.
xxoo
Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment