Musings

I saw this meme today and it made me stop and think about the past, where I've been and the woman I am today.  Not so long ago, five or six years, I hated myself.  Secretly.  I was not even fully aware that I didn't think I was loveable.  I knew that I LOVED hard.  I felt like I was overall a pretty good person to others but still something on the inside told me that I was not worthy of being loved, that I was not loveable, not valuable. 

This was not a conscious thought until my "guidance" started talking to me and working with me and trying to heal me from all that deeply-seated, far-ingrained bullshit.  I was a bit of a Pollyanna.  People normally saw me as friendly and "sweet."  Why I felt so bad inside, well, I guess it is something many of us go through.  Reality is I was a very nice person.

Lots inside of me right now.  I have not updated because I don't have much to say.  This started out as a twin soul blog, and it still is, but it's different now.  I spent four years being MILITANT about this journey.  I still adore James.  I wish I could speak with him, talk to him, be "real life" with him again.  I can barely believe August 2013 even happened, getting to know him, falling in love, meeting him, kissing him, being his girlfriend, sharing hopes and dreams, making love, being intimate, getting super duper attached, enjoying him fully, loving him deeply.  Holding hands and touching and kissing every moment we were together; he made me laugh. 

I had the time of my life with James.  I've never ever gotten over it- I don't want to.

I ache inside today though.  This meme stirred something up inside of me.  Before I met James... I'd made some really shitty choices, and for a brief moment in time I was unconsciously (I didn't realize what I was doing) putting myself into scary situations, being the opposite of the woman I'd been for so long, having sex with people who didn't care about me, people I didn't know, stupid hurtful shit and it was getting worse.  I think I must have wanted to hurt myself, or felt I needed to be... someone totally not "me" so I pushed myself and acted out and then later, after it was over, I'd cry and feel like... how?  Why?  Why did I do that?  I'd go back to feeling like the regular "good" Jennifer who would normally be kind of shy and standoffish but I'd be mortified about what I did in my more "manic" shadow moments.  Those were not good times.  My heart goes out to people, women, who are stuck in that place for longer than I was because it was dark, lonely and icky.  It was scary and sad and undeserved. 

My heart weeps for that woman.  I wish I could go back to her, back then, and hug her and tell her to love herself enough to stop.  Maybe I did.  Maybe it's like that movie "Interstellar" where our guidance is actually us in the future reaching back to help our past selves with the knowledge we've gained from being farther ahead.  Maybe that is my "Higher Self."  Whatever it is- it did try so hard to help me.  It tried.  I was terrified but it tried, and I know I was a hard case.  FEAR.  So much fear, and much of that was a secret fear that *I* was actually a "bad" person hiding behind a sweet exterior.  I felt like... I was so so so imperfect.  And why did I always fall in love so hard?  Why was I so passionate?  Why was I forgetful?  Why do I battle with the bottle?  Why is my house not perfect?  Why doesn't my husband love me the way a husband should love a wife?  What did I do?  Where did I go wrong? 

I'll do better.  I'll do better.  I would sit at my dining room table "talking" with my guidance and it would tell me that God loves me and I would cry and say NO- God couldn't possibly love me!  Lies!

OH MY GOD it hurts me so much to know many many people are going through these same feelings, these LIES we have programmed into ourselves!  It was SO FUCKING HARD to get through all of that.  I nearly died, a few times.  I am so surprised I didn't get myself killed- but I look back and know I was protected.  "They" did everything they could, or "it" could, to help me, help keep me here, help me LOVE MYSELF and know my worth.

I ache today because of James, this certain aspect of him and our relationship- the purity and sweetness of it.  Before I met him I LONGED to know the "old Jennifer" again.  The woman who didn't know how to kiss her first boyfriend, who was a virgin long after others had had sex, who CHERISHED physical love as something to be lovingly shared between two people who deeply cared for each other.  Shy at first.  Reserved (but loving and friendly and warm) and not terribly flirty; a bit awkward.  Didn't have a boyfriend in high school.  Didn't go to prom (wasn't asked.)

James told me he would have asked me to prom.  He asked for a photo of me in high school and after seeing it he told me how beautiful I was then, and now, and he said had he known me back then he would have taken me to prom.  *sigh*

I was so ready to stop the crazed exhausted false SHIT in my life.  I ached for something real.  I wanted to be PURE and clean again.  I wanted my innocence back.  I was tired of the online dating routine and men asking for naked photos and pushing myself to be someone I was not because I felt I had to in order to keep someone's attention, or be "interesting."  

Going to the doctor to get tested to make sure I was "clean and healthy" was... a really good wake up call me for me but I knew going forward if I wanted to be with anyone else, in a good loving relationship, that I had to, to be responsible.  So I did and was fine and after that I thanked God above and told God- okay, that's done.  And I am DONE. 

I am done.  Done done done with that crazed bullshit.  I knew what I wanted.  I asked for "him" over and over again, listing all the beautiful loving pure bright shining qualities I knew I wanted in my "one and only" true love.  And I wanted him to be my friend, and I wanted it to be real and... slow.  Gentle.

I needed healing.

I slowed down.  I did not do anymore dumb shit after that.  I'd had a close call that showed me how far I'd let myself sink and it scared me and I wanted OUT.  Maybe I started loving myself then because I wanted to be careful with myself.  I wanted to cherish me- something shifted a bit.  I was so tired of pretending.  I missed ME.  So I stopped all the texting with the sillies out there, stopped online dating, stayed home.  I became brighter.

Then I met James.  *sob*  And he was everything I asked for, all that I needed, so loving, kind, gentle, patient and GOOD.  He was so patient with me!  So sweet and caring and good.  It makes me ache.  I miss him so much.  He is super cute, and I of course found him immensely attractive, but for some reason I could not do more than kiss him.  For a while.  Most other people would have made love but we kissed.  And kissed.  And held hands and nuzzled noses and embraced and smiled at each other and kissed some more.  We talked for hours, text all day, emailed... hundreds of fun exciting messages getting to know each other, celebrating in finding each other- it was BEAUTIFUL and the most wonderful time of my life.  I LOVED getting to know him!  He was perfect to me.

And his patience.  He let me be pure.  He allowed me my "innocence" wordlessly.  I did not have to ask him to wait.  He never urged me.  There was no hinting, no trying to take my clothes off, no "lust."  It was loving attraction, kissing... lots and lots of sweet kissing.  Heaven.  I had Heaven on earth when I had him in my life.

But I still had lots inside of me.  Some of it, I'm sure, is still there and I try to be really conscious of my thoughts, my energy, my intention, etc.  My WORDS.  What I speak into existence.  What I write into existence.  With James though, I guess he turned out the be "the one."  The one who became all the things I worried about, feared, doubted, etc.  My twin soul?  I didn't know that though.  I only knew that I totally completely adored him, and we matched PERFECTLY.  Everything about him interested me, excited me.  He is so intelligent.  His science and love of the universe.  His Atheist and free thinking.  His wit.  His beautiful blue eyes.  His sweetheart words, cute things he'd say, and the fact that he told me, wrote to me and showed me over and over... "I love you Jennifer!"

Heartbreaking.  I will forever love him.  I will never ever be able to let go of him in my heart, no matter what.  Nope, not many people can understand but they were not with him.  I was.  I experienced his huge strong sweet endearing love.  I did.  And I've never gotten over it.

I miss James.  I miss him so much. 

I had moments during our separation where that... shadow side popped up.  Where for a moment I felt, what's the word, self-destructive.  I still fight with the urge to drink but at least now if I do drink it normally does not bring out my "demons" like before.  I don't get mad, pissy or looking to do something manic and impulsive like flirting with some guy at a bar.  Even though some temptations came up- I still managed to stay totally single, alone, often isolated like a hermit, days and weeks and months spent sobbing, keening, purging, begging, hurting so badly and deeply for different reasons.  At first it hurt because I was scared he left me and forgot me, and feeling disregarded really hurts (although I now understand none of that is true, at all- so that pain no longer exists.)  Now, now I only cry because I miss him and I have no idea when I'll hear from him or see him again.  I miss my friend.  I've missed him for a long time.  My heart aches for him; I long to know James again.  We went through so much together and I want to HUG him so much!  I want to hug him and hold him and tell him it is okay, that I love him so much and always will.  That he is special to me no matter what role he plays in my life, or what his life is like right now.  I just love him, and I really really ache to share honestly with James.  Truth.  Love.  Love, at the least, meaning... looking into each others eyes and hugging and knowing- "I love you.  You are special to me.  I will always hold you dear and close to my heart, no matter where you are."

James has done a lot for me as my twin soul- but one huge thing he did for me as my sweet loving kind boyfriend was he respected me, respected my body and cherished my heart and mind.  He loved my mind and how I think, and my heart.  How I love.  I know James loves how I love.  Loved and loves now.  But he was so careful with me.  He went out of his way to let me know that he loved me for so many reasons, and he was attracted to me but he'd wait for me to be ready to make love because he loved me for so many other reasons.  ANGEL.  OMG.  I won't ever forget that.  EVER.  He let me be innocent again.  He showed me how to be Jennifer again.  He showed me real love and when we finally, kinda shyly, made love it was sweet and I trusted him fully.  I knew he was faithful and good and he was invested in me, and I could feel safe with him. 

He was such a dear to me.  It breaks me up inside.  I am SO FUCKING THANKFUL that I did not ruin that!  There are, of course, reasons why I am thankful to have met James.  Even though this experience has been Hellishly painful- it did what it was supposed to, maybe still is- I dunno.  I've learned a lot about myself, how to love myself.  It's showed me that I really do need to control my emotions and be loving because I get back what I put out, often fast and hard.  Having James as my mirror made that an inescapable reality.  It was either learn how to control my thoughts, my emotions, my fears and what I focus on- or stay trapped in Hell. 

I saw something else today, a huge truth of my life, "You change for two reasons.  Either you learn enough that you want to or you've hurt enough that you have to."  For me I think it has been "hurt enough that I have to," and I am still working on it every day.  Asking to stay tempered, kind, loving.  Working at it.  I try.  I am a work in progress.  I've come a long way.

But I miss my twin soul, my friend.  No one can understand, not really.  To have met someone so wonderful, fell in love, shared time, intimacy, dreams, hopes... talked about having a child together!  It is KILLING me inside.  A baby.  I want our baby- our family, him.  I still want him.  I miss him so much.  See, there was no "ending" so the unfinished business... last time I saw him we made love, a year and a half ago.  We kissed and talked and made love.  That was real.  It feels like part of my heart is gone, even though I still love.  I live.  I want to enjoy my life, no matter what.  But I love James and miss him, and yes- his love is like a shadow on me all the time.  His memory.  We were so perfect for each other.  James told me that he had hoped and wished for me, and then he met me.  He said that in me he found the perfect woman for him, the woman he would choose to have a child with.  He said we'd make love and create a wonderful child together and "raise it with all of our love."  He said he wanted to be a good step-daddy to my son... he was nice to my son, kind.  Sweet- so endearing.  I wanted all of that so much.  I never ever meant to "send it away."  I loved him, and I still do.   I love that he held me and kissed me and held me for weeks and that was enough for him, just being close and kissy and loving with me; I'll ALWAYS love him for giving me that sweet gift- no other man has ever been that way with me since I was 18 years old.  James made me feel young and innocent and shy and wonderful again, a true blessing to know you are loved not for what you can give a person but simply for who you are.

My situation now might sound contradictory or hypocritical although it is not.  I do love someone else, too.  Someone in my here and now, and not to sound cliche but yes he is my soul mate, and he knows it too.  I take things day by day but he... needs me now.  He's a wonderful man too, and how blessed am I to have known TWO sweet kind amazing men who've loved me?  I am looking at this as a blessing, thanking God because I was dying.  It was painful.  David- Dave does not take away the missing or the ache for James but David adds light and happiness to my life, as I do for him.  He loves me and I love him, and he knows I love James too.  For some "God can only understand" reason David accepts my belief in twin souls, and he chooses to love me even though I've been nothing but honest with him.  Like a miracle because NO other man would love me like he does through my honesty; all I can say is I tell God I love two men now but I am thankful to be so blessed with strong love in my life.  I care deeply for Dave and I know I am meant to be in his life.  Love heals, and man I needed some TLC too when I met him- it's been a long four years.  But his grief was so deep that he was faltering too, and I know I help strengthen and heal him.  So I don't question or doubt, and I am just being LOVING and kind.  That is all I can do.  I am trying to be that way in all aspects of my life.

David genuinely loves me.  He cares for me, helps me and would do anything for me (although I am very careful to be protective of his heart!!!)  He knows I will not ask for anything, and I won't accept much beyond his PRESENCE in my life.  But I am thankful that the only man I've touched or kissed or hugged after James is a good man, a strong love, a bright light- because anything less would have felt like I shit on my healing.  I have cherished through everything the fact that James helped me feel pure again, like love is real and to be cherished.  After four years totally alone, purifying myself as much as I could, I am VERY protective of myself.  I love myself and I will only treat myself well.  I am so so thankful that I stayed all "hermit" and didn't cave to doing anything stupid (or less than what I am worth) after sharing such strong genuine healthy pure love with James.  I did not want to tarnish that, ever.

Believe me- I miss him a lot.  But it's kind of challenging, you know.  For a long time I've longed to hear from him, to get a response, a hello.  I've hoped to talk to him or see him again.  To know him.  That... absence, well it hurt terribly.  Hoping and disappointment can be wearing too.  And if you are really in a "twin soul" type of connection then you should know that no matter how much you may WANT to talk to your twin- it doesn't happen just because you want it to, or because you reach out, or you email or call or text or ask, etc.  Doesn't work like that.  I still hope and pray to hear from him one day.  Honest, pure, truth.  I want to look into the kind eyes of the friendly sweet funny loving man I met on my 40th birthday.

I know I will not ever be able to accept this experience until I talk with my friend again and he is the man I met and knew and loved and experienced, the man I KNOW he is.  Until then I still love him and miss him while I do the best to live my life and be happy.  I do hope he is out there living a good life.  I wish him the best.  I care for him and love him unconditionally but my God I do still miss him and wish we could talk and hug and be normal and honest with each other.  I can't really think past that point anymore.  I've had my dreams and they are still there.  But all I can focus on is being loving and kind, and always knowing truth.  I can't force anything in 3D when it comes to James; I learned that a long time ago and I've accepted it- but that doesn't mean that I don't WISH and HOPE to see him and be "intimate" again... meaning honest, close and loving.  Kind.  Gentle.  Sweet.  Caring.  I know James.  I remember him well, and I know if he could that is how he would be for me.  Sweet, caring, loving, gentle and kind.  He did so much for me, and lots of it was hard... what I would not give to just hold him. 

I really wish I could hug you.  And I do still miss your kind sweet kisses and warm safe embrace.  Yes I am blessed with love in my life but I do miss you, love you and I always will feel this way no matter what happens in my life.  You will always be unique and special to me.

Jennifer