Years

It is a strange experience to love someone for so long, with no contact, etc.  And I am a strong sane woman so I chalk it up to being stubborn and willful when it comes to my heart.

I am frustrated because I'm at a point where I could talk to James with no fears.  I'd drop any and all worries of being judged or hiding myself.  I am ME and I'd be ME with no doubts of "Maybe he won't like me" or "I'd better appear as perfect as I can be."  Maybe back then I did not realize I was doing that, fronting, but I was.

Now I'm five years older.  Well five and a half.  I've learned a lot.  I've learned that somehow James was being used to show me that I cannot live like that, that I have to be authentic and real first and foremost with myself, and for myself.  And I am.  Now I accept myself exactly how I am, and I expect others to accept me just the way I am.  I feel I am wonderful, and I attract wonderful people to me. 

I don't want James to be "just" a lesson or someone who showed me these things who is now gone.  You cannot understand how much it kills my heart to wonder if he was only here to show me these things.  And he did a great job.  I now live a much more free and authentic life than I did when I met him.  Am I perfect?  Hells no!  I *still* drink too much even though I try really hard to keep it under control.  It's an ongoing challenge for me.  I just stay "ASAP" which for means "as sober as possible."  Am I ashamed?  Nope.  We all have our challenges.  I am a great mother, good friend, wonderful person, and overall a good human being.  Who has a hard time not craving the rush of those first couple drinks.  What can I say?  I do my best and that's all any of us can do.

I still fucking love you and miss you.  It still aches.  STILL.  I still think about you and remember our time together, our long talks, our laughter, and the way you tenderly touched my face before you would kiss me.  I remember how you spent weeks on my couch just kissing me and holding me, so patient and such a gentleman.  Gentle.  Man.  A gentle dear kind loving person.

I wish it did not still ache like it does when I bring your memory to mind.  I wish I could remember you with only fondness and love but no aching.  But our love never ended- and I've had no resolution to my HEART.  And I miss you.  I miss my friend.

Jennifer

Life

I can't help but wonder how some of you are doing, the people who have reached out to me in the past.  I hope everyone is doing well.

I gotta be honest- sometimes I think about closing this blog down.  Life is so different for me and I have varying thoughts about the "twin flame" experience now that five years have passed.  FIVE YEARS.  Just writing that makes me tear up a little bit because I remember when "the silence" started with James (total non-response, etc.) and I was told (from above not from a human source) he was my "soul twin" and I started googling that term, came upon "twin souls" and realized people had been apart for years and all I could think was... "I can't possibly be apart from him for that long!"  And I've far surpassed two, three, even four years.  Over five years now.

My life is so very different than in was when I met James.  Now I believe FULLY 100% in manifestation and the power of our own individual energy.  I know I "create" the experiences that come to me in my life.  I did not believe that five years ago.  I wanted to believe it but I did not at all understand it.  I'm no "manifestation pro" now but I try to be super aware of what I am focused on at all time.

For example- someone close to me is in a lot of pain right now.  I am so concerned for her but I am reminding myself to tell the universe to HEAL her, that she is perfectly healthy and feels good, that she is happy and whole and loves life in all ways instead of focusing on her pain.  I want her to be healthy so (if we can manifest for others- I think we can but I'm not sure yet erring on the side of caution I'm thinking positive not negative) I need to be focus on her HEALTHY since we create more of what we focus on.

An interesting sidebar- I have this really sweet guy in my life, my boyfriend David.  We are still together.  He still understands and believes in my soul connection with James, and he still respects it.  Our relationship is soooo strange in that way.  I can tell him when I get strong signs, when a wave of sadness about James might come over me, or if I dream about James, etc. and he totally accepts it and respects my heart.  It's not "normal" and I feel very blessed to be in such an honest transparent relationship where I can be honest first and foremost to myself.  If I had to hide my "twin soul experience" from my partner then I'd be living a lie.  I am thankful I can be free and open.

That said last year this time was his late wife's birthday, the first birthday since her passing.  He was an emotional basket case.  So was his family.  Something happened where I felt kinda slighted and I almost reacted badly to it but I tried to remind myself that these were a bunch of grieving people and even though some of them don't like the idea of me- I can understand why, and to suck it up and be a "spiritually mature" person.  A little later he text me something odd.  He said, "Thank you for praying for me today."  WELL- I realized at that moment that I had *not* actually prayed for him.  I had not asked God to help ease Dave's aching heart.  So I stopped what I was doing, around 4 PM, and I took out my journal.  I wrote my prayers out.  I asked God to take some of the emotional pain from Dave, to ease his soul, because he was hurting so very deeply.  Then I went home.

On my way home I didn't know what to expect.  He'd spent the day with his late wife's family celebrating her birthday with a cake and memories.  Last I saw him he was very depressed and quiet.  I got home and he was bright and cheery and like his normal self and I was thinking, "WTF?"  I asked how he was doing and he told me he was doing well, much better than earlier.  He said he'd been to her grave to visit her.  While he was there he "heard" her (not the first time this has happened to him) talk to him and she urged him to stop hurting and to enjoy his life "with the living."  She told him she knew he loves her but he needs to live his life well now that she is gone.  And that made him feel 100% better.

I asked him when he was at her grave and he said around 4 PM.  I am not giving myself "credit" but it really made me wonder if my heavy prayers for his heart to be eased had anything to do with him "hearing her."  Which leads me to this person I love who is ill.

Do our prayers help?  I hope so.  I know I have strong energy and I really would like this person, my sister actually, to feel 100% well and healthy.  She has the sweetest little baby right now and she needs to be healthy and feel good.  So I do hope my strong energy and good intentions for her are sent her way.

I affirm my life almost daily.  Often it's the SOS, lol, every day.  I write the same affirmations often, and life flows smoothly for me.  I have a blessed life.  I can ask for something and it (somehow) comes to me.  More times than not what I've asked for or focused on comes to me without me actually trying.  It's very awesome actually!  As I said I try to be aware.  I try to be careful not to get sucked into any type of negativity.    I can say something and it happens.  Dave is beginning to think I have a "super power."  I told him I would never ever intentionally use my energy for anything other than goodness!  

*sigh*  But five years ago I was totally unconscious about all this.  Currently I realize to NEVER focus on what I do not want... because there is no "Law of Exclusion."  This means the universe does not "exclude" anything we say we don't want.  Basically the universe doesn't respond to the "don't."  All the universe hears is the "I want."  There is only a "Law of Attraction" and this means nothing we think about (even when we desperately do NOT want it) is kept from us.

You know how people preach "The Power of Positivity?"  My take on this is the word "positive" is meant in a very base way.  It means choose the "positive" way of thinking of something instead of the negative.  Here is an example: 

1. I  really hope it does not rain today.  This is "negative" and is just asking for rain.
2. It's going to be great weather today.  This is way more positive and is asking for great weather.

I don't think "staying positive" means being all fine and dandy while enduring a shit storm.  It doesn't mean getting fired from work and finding a way to "think positive" about getting canned.  I do think it means accepting it, not dwelling on the actual firing, and telling yourself, "This will open the door for something better. The bills are paid. Tax money is coming.  Our vacation is already paid for.  The kids are healthy.  Unemployment will cover the house payment. etc."  Is it an easy way to live?  NOPE.  But the more we DWELL on the shit instead of focusing on anything "positive" we can find then we literally are asking the universe to send us more shitty experiences.

So what I do is I just lay it on thick when I affirm my day and then I stay very aware not to say, think or do anything throughout my day that might "undo" or "delete" the goodness I've affirmed.

Ya'll may think this sounds crazy, and that's okay.  I can only tell you that it works.  And five years ago had I read this I would have thought it sounded stupid, unreal and ridiculous.

I was one who felt like this:  "I have a right to be angry!  I have a right to focus on what is upsetting me!"  And I was RIGHT.  I *could* focus on it.  No one was stopping me.  I had the freedom to focus on what I was worried about, or share an experience that was pissing me off,  but at the same time I was still drawing to me more of what I was focusing on, and I had to deal with it since I was the one asking for it.  In the end it would have been better to just shut the fuck up and NOT "indulge" in "But I have the right to feel how I feel!"

Now I know better.  I still falter though.  I get pissed off.  But I grind my teeth and try to focus on something else.  Or I legit tell God, "Yep I am pissed off so help me through it."  Let me make an important distinction though, and THIS is a practice I cannot let go of.  There is a person in my life who I started getting close to.  I would offer her guidance, do nice things for her family, try to help her out, and I felt like we were becoming "good friends."  Then she kind of turned on me and I realized she's not the best person for me to be close to.  So now I am cordial.  When I have to see her I am friendly.  She's also been in pain and I wish her healing- but I refuse to be around her if I absolutely do not have to.  And that is my choice.  I can't help but do this now for people who I feel are not in my highest good to know.  That is how I ensure "I vibe with my tribe."  At the same time I've been reminding myself that "letting go" of any resentment or anger on my part goes along with that.  Separating myself from this person is fine as long as it is with neutrality and well wishes for her.

I wish I would have understood these things when I met James.  I asked for him, and he found his way to me.  I know he's a strong soul contact for me.  Is he my "twin soul?"  I am not sure.  I don't know if we had such a magical connection due to the energy I was "brewing up" before I met him or if he is actually this "twin soul."  I CAN tell you that out of all the men I've met he is really the only one who seemed to be able to totally read my mind, clearly.  I would think something and he'd say it to me.  That telepathic connection has been strong with some but seemed to be strongest with James.

I've asked myself recently if... the "connection" was so strong because I put so so so much energy into it.  I'd like to think he's "special."  That he's this "twin soul."  I know he's definitely a strong energetic connection for me, probably the strongest so far.

But... I can't help but wonder- if *I* stopped thinking of him entirely would it be done?  Would the signs stop?  Would he become a fond memory from my past like a few of the others who had significant connections to me?  Just writing that makes me cry.

I keep holding on because I've loved him so much that... I feel sad at the thought of letting go entirely or totally moving on.  But what if?  If I finally, after five years, let go and stop "trying" and stop thinking and stop hoping that one day I can finally talk with him again- will it all just disappear?

I wish I knew.  I can tell you that when I met James I've never had "magical" coincidences like the fact that we were born in the same hospital at the same time.  We were literally in the same birth area.  He joked that he knew me all the way back then and was probably hitting on me in my bassinet.  He said he waited 40 more years to meet his love again.  NEVER have I experienced something that "coincidental" that grabbed my attention.

Even though I love David- I can't help but be honest- James was, in my eyes, the most perfect for me out of any man I've ever met.  I need to get this out because it aches.  I love David and I am so thankful for him.  I feel blessed that instead of being alone while missing James instead I've been able to share my life with a really sweet loving kind man... while missing James.  This missing James never really stopped.  The emotions tempered with the addition of all this joy in my life.  But sometimes it still hurts.  The contrast can upset me sometimes.  I don't experience with David the same euphoric totally exciting emotions like I did with James.  I don't think I'll experience that with anyone ever besides him.  It's a good solid sweet love with David.  I love him and want the best for him, and I like to be good to him just like he loves being good to me.  But it's just not the same.  And sometimes that makes me sad.

I miss the unique energy I had with James and the intense emotions being with him inspired in me.

I wish I knew if I will ever see James again and have the chance to talk to him.  I still feel like part of my life is incomplete.  And honestly I don't typically focus on any "lack" in my life since I have loads of blessings and I'd rather focus on those.  I'd rather focus on the good wonderful times I shared with James instead of focusing on the fact that he isn't in my life now.  But if I could talk truth with him, meet the man I dated and fell in love with, hug him and talk honestly with him... I'd feel better.  Some kind of resolution.  This still does not feel RIGHT to me since one of the very last things he said to me showed me that he still thinks of me and wanted to talk to me.  That he felt my pain and wished he could ease it.

I still pray for re-connection, reunion I guess.  "Sweet Reunion."

I don't think about it often because it can upset me.  I realize what I did.  I allowed my dream come true to come to me, and then because I did not realize what I was doing I basically made my fears come true.

There is one thing I will always wonder about though.  When I met James it started with something already there that planted a doubt it me, and I've always felt I was being "tested" from the start to see if I would focus on what I wanted and ignore what I did not want.  And to this day I don't understand why it had to be that way.  Like why didn't he just come to me with nothing there that inspired fear in me?  I have to work really hard to not be angry at that, like at spirit.  Back then had I known what I know now I would have focused accordingly and things would have been different- I know it.  But that didn't happen.  And now I'm with a sweet man who really needed me in his life to help start his healing.  Dave has helped me too, immensely.  But I can't imagine what he would be like right now had we not met.  So I don't regret it.

I still feel like there is totally unfinished business with James.  Twin soul or not.  I've NEVER had a relationship, especially one that was true legitimate love, healthy sweet real love, just disappear.  Any man from my past who I shared deep real love with I had "resolution" with or we've been in contact.  A natural "fine" closure to the relationship (for one reason or another.)  Those I understand.  James, it still doesn't seem right.  I still can't accept it.  To be fully deeply in love- I understand he taught me a lot.  I understand that was his "role."  And I love him no matter what.

I've accepted a lot in these five years.  I've FOUGHT through so much fear to hold onto love.  I've overcome a ton of shit, and much of the hard stuff I did with James.  And it does not seem right to me.  I will always wish to know him again.  I miss my friend.  He was so good to me.  We were good together, and I will always be really sorry for not realizing then what I know now.  I focused on so many of the "wrong" things, and I wish I hadn't.  But I learned.  And I am different.  But that doesn't mean it all just disappears.  I still love that man.  And I've had no resolution.  It was not truth.  I just want the truth.  An honest kind real conversation.

If I had one wish granted to me that's what it would be, to hear from James and be able to meet with him and sit and talk like we used to, funny, friendly, honestly, deeply.  Until then no matter how perfect my life is there is still that angst there, and I wish that could change because I don't always like the way it feels yet I'm naturally too fucking stubborn to let it go.  LOVE is just not that easy for me to let go of.  Dammit.

At least I know that I love hard, love through some of the craziest shit ever, love through space and silence.  I guess that says something good for me.

Jen