It is a strange experience to love someone for so long, with no contact, etc. And I am a strong sane woman so I chalk it up to being stubborn and willful when it comes to my heart.
I am frustrated because I'm at a point where I could talk to James with no fears. I'd drop any and all worries of being judged or hiding myself. I am ME and I'd be ME with no doubts of "Maybe he won't like me" or "I'd better appear as perfect as I can be." Maybe back then I did not realize I was doing that, fronting, but I was.
Now I'm five years older. Well five and a half. I've learned a lot. I've learned that somehow James was being used to show me that I cannot live like that, that I have to be authentic and real first and foremost with myself, and for myself. And I am. Now I accept myself exactly how I am, and I expect others to accept me just the way I am. I feel I am wonderful, and I attract wonderful people to me.
I don't want James to be "just" a lesson or someone who showed me these things who is now gone. You cannot understand how much it kills my heart to wonder if he was only here to show me these things. And he did a great job. I now live a much more free and authentic life than I did when I met him. Am I perfect? Hells no! I *still* drink too much even though I try really hard to keep it under control. It's an ongoing challenge for me. I just stay "ASAP" which for means "as sober as possible." Am I ashamed? Nope. We all have our challenges. I am a great mother, good friend, wonderful person, and overall a good human being. Who has a hard time not craving the rush of those first couple drinks. What can I say? I do my best and that's all any of us can do.
I still fucking love you and miss you. It still aches. STILL. I still think about you and remember our time together, our long talks, our laughter, and the way you tenderly touched my face before you would kiss me. I remember how you spent weeks on my couch just kissing me and holding me, so patient and such a gentleman. Gentle. Man. A gentle dear kind loving person.
I wish it did not still ache like it does when I bring your memory to mind. I wish I could remember you with only fondness and love but no aching. But our love never ended- and I've had no resolution to my HEART. And I miss you. I miss my friend.
Jennifer
I feel the same way and I think of my divine love every single day.
ReplyDeleteRose
Hey at least love is a good thing, right? I am glad to know someone out there feels the same way I do. Take care.
DeleteQuestion:.....Do you think that this twin flame journey keeps people stuck in the bargaining stage of getting over loss or grief? If this is the case they will never never ever be able to heal or move on. This is why am beginning to think this whole thing is just a lie. The third and the most dangerous stage of getting over someone is bargaining. This is where people listen to sad music, day dream about their ex, visualize everything returning back to its norms and go to the same places they used to go to together in hopes that an accidental encounter happens. If people remained stuck in this stage they will never recover from the breakup. This can go on for years and years and year. I thought I met a twin flame but I believe this whole card reading stuff, twin flame journey crap and the hopes that it ignites keeps me stuck in the hope stage and bargaining stage which has kept me stuck for months. This makes me so sad. I believe we have more then one twin flame or soul mate. I just read an article that said, it is in the hope that keeps us stuck. Why is it so easy to move on after a death because the hope is final. If there is even 1% of hope it will keep us going round and round. So I am ready to ditch this twin flame thing. I will never unite with my ex who I was made to believe was my twin flame and my god I feel so much better. I am at the stage of acceptance and deciding to move on. This stage of getting over someone never happens unless hope is completely lost. The mind needs to be convinced its over, with no hope and these twin flames readings don't help. If there were 1% hope the person will remain stuck in the previous stages and as soon as hope is completely lost the person will start to recover. My hope is completely lost and I am jumping for joy. I feel reborn, free, like I can finally breath for the first time in two years. I think this twin flame thing is a farce to keep me people stuck stuck stuck. No more. I went for a run today and let go of hope and the heavens opened. I feel like a new person. Think about this. The twin flame journey makes no sense to me. Its bullshit.
ReplyDeleteHi Rose. I can tell from your message that you've been hurting and now want to no longer be hurting. I can understand that! Rose I have moved on in my life, met someone else who I also love, and I am happy with my life. That said I have not "let go" of my love for James. What I did have to do is "let go" of the belief that being with someone new won't allow me to ever see James again. I definitely don't feel this twin flame journey is bullshit; it literally saved my life (even though there was loads of pain and grief involved.) I had a lot to learn and James showed me that. I still love him and miss him, and I do believe he's been my strongest soul connection. I STILL listen to music that reminds me of him. I still cry once in a while. I still wish I could meet him again, speak with him, etc. I LOVE him. LOVE is what matters. Rose, the twin flame journey has NOTHING to do with card readings, psychics, etc. Nothing. And I do believe we have various soul mates. I believe my current boyfriend is a soul mate. We have "connections" with every single person we meet. You could walk up to a stranger at the train and the universe can "use" that person to speak to you, to tell you something, to be your mirror. That is because we ALL have the same energy inside of us, and some of us "hear" it more clearly than others. There is nothing wrong with HOPE. I feel the four years where I was along and heavily grieving James, writing in my journal, reflecting, being a hermit, was my healing time. I needed it (even if I did not realize it.) I am thankful for that time.
DeleteBut yes it did hurt, terribly. Missing James hurt badly, and it took a long time for it to no longer hurt. Now I don't "hurt." I just miss him and wish I could know my friend again. It makes me sad to know I had this wonderful man in my life who was so kind to me, so perfect, so patient and loving and caring... and then I no longer knew him. That still bothers me. There was no ending, no goodbye. But I do not think the twin flame journey is made to "keep people stuck." I was the epitome of a "twin flame warrior" for many years. I fought hard through my journey and I am NOT stuck. I've moved on in my life, am very happy, have love in my life, a great career, the best kid ever, and so much joy every day. That does not mean I don't still love James and think of him every day. I still "grieve" him. But what is very important for you to understand is you can feel happiness/love/joy/thankfulness right now today and at the same time also still love and miss your twin, and even feel sad that you don't know him. That missing and sadness (if not feeling mean, angry or blaming) comes from a place of love. You CAN feel sad over missing your twin while at the same time enjoying the shit out of your life. Don't listen to all the twin flame bullshit out there; it's all crap. Listen to your heart. Love that man if you want to (whether or not you believe he is your "twin flame" doesn't matter- the LOVE is what matters) while also moving on with your life.
DeleteI do believe one of the worst things you can do right now is try to carve this man who you care about out of your heart and memories. Just hold him gently in your heart while you move on. Always remember LOVE, thankfulness, gratitude, staying gentle on the inside is best; it allows gentle kind loving experiences/people/things, etc. to come to you, things to be thankful for. That hard energy of "this is bullshit" only attracts shitty stuff back to you so be careful there.