Embracing Life

This could have been us when we met.  It looks like us.  

I keep writing here because... it is my secret way to "get it all out."  I do keep a journal at home but this is different because it kinda feels like I am writing to a friend.  I refuse to hide my journal at home.  I've talked with women who don't keep a journal because they are terrified to leave it out because someone might read it.  My journal is sacred to me; it is personal.  "Enter at your own risk" is how I feel.  My boyfriend assures me he won't violate my trust by ever reading my journal.  I try to be mindful of his feelings and keep it put away because he knows I still write about James sometimes.  Not too often but occasionally, especially if something reminds me.

I had a weird experience the other day, and it leaves me with questioning.  I was driving along and the song "I Ran" started playing on the radio.  I noticed it and thought to myself that I had not really written about James in a while, and I basically go about my daily life.  Then I got another sign and it made me wonder like "WTF?"  What am I supposed to be doing?  Am I supposed to just move on and let the past go?  Or is he really this fabled "twin soul" who I am supposed to love and hold close to me no matter what, like not forget, not block out, etc.?  And I just don't know.

I am still grieving the loss of him.  We have no place in our society for the kind of grief I feel about James! His sudden disappearance feels like someone I had fallen in love with, someone in who I thought I may have found my future HUSBAND, has died.  When someone dies we have a funeral, and everyone comes and holds the people who are left behind and says We are so sorry for your loss.  There is closure. That did not happen for me.  I've had to deal with this grief on the inside because it is impossible to fully explain it on the outside in a way that people can understand.  Only I'm left to know how it feels.  He's alive, somewhere out there.  But to me it feels like he's dead.  And I've been given no closure.

Manifestation.  I manifest stuff every day.  I can think of something and it suddenly materializes via another person or an email or just anything.  I can think of a person and that person will immediately call me or text me.  I want to know if I focused a lot on James, good focus, would he one day reach out to me?  Currently if I focus on him I get a shit-ton of signs.  His name pops up everywhere.  Songs start playing that remind me of him, "Sweet Baby James" among others.  But is there ever a time when it goes beyond signs and I can actually hear from HIM again?  What do those signs mean?  Are they simply a reflection of my own thoughts and focus?  Because if so then I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.  I don't care unless they show that there is a possibility that one day it will move past signs and I will be able to see him and speak with him again. 

I want that very badly.  No matter how lovely my life is I will always wish I could meet James again and talk with him, openly and freely.  I have not "let go."  It was hared enough for me to "move on" let alone just let it all go.  That was a very emotional and traumatic time for me, those four years.  I am not "over it."  It may seem like it to those people who know me.  I seem fine.  James' name rarely comes up.  If I'm asked I just say, to those I know I can trust, that I do still think about him, love him and I will always hope to see him again.  My boyfriend knows this too although it's, of course, not something we discuss often.  I am understanding that he still grieves his wife, and some days are worse than others, and his Facebook memories are always of her, and his whole past is with her, and most women would be jealous but I am not, at all.  Because he has to be understanding of me, that I still love a man who was in my life and then suddenly wasn't and I've never gotten over him, and I still want to know that man again.  And I do.  I can't help my heart.

There are truths that can cause my pain.  I asked for James and he came to me, or was brought to me.  I had asked for a kind loving man, an affectionate man who would make me a priority in his life, who was intelligent, good to kids and animals, who respected the earth, who was respectful and patient and understanding.  Empathetic and patient.  Gentle and caring.  And then James came into my life and he was EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things I asked for.  I recognized that right away and it kind of freaked me out.  "Spirit" and manifestation and all of that still freaked me out back then.  I didn't realize the power I had to bring good stuff into my life or send it away.  Up until meeting him I'd met some men who were not always patient.  One in particular I had a hard time "quitting" but had to because... he would never have been patient with me. 

But when I met James he was SO patient with me.  It was in such direct contrast to what I'd known.  He was what I asked for, someone who would be patient with me, good to me, who would respect my body, mind and heart.  And I guess what really hurts right now is he truly did all those things.  He was a genuinely good man to me.  And to my child.  He respected my role as a mom.  He was so kind, exactly what every women deserves and I didn't know what to do with that.  I had never been treated so well.  I did not know my worth.  And not knowing my worth created a lot of fears for me.

It bothers me to be able to look back and see all of that truth, to see what I had, I had the PERFECT man for me.  I do love my boyfriend but it's just not the same fit.  It is a "good fit" but not the perfect fit like James.  And I miss my perfect fit.  He told me he is compatitble with 1% of women and I was his "1%."  I know we were good together, and MAN had I been... who I am now- we would have had the absolute best time together.  That hurts.  I still wish I could be with him.  I can't help it.  Even thought I am in a happy relationship... it's like, wanting something really badly- but you can't have the one you want but another is available that is great too, wonderful in many of the same ways, and you can love it too but you'll still always wish for the ONE you WANT most. 

I wish I didn't feel like that but I do.  Even now.  It still aches.  I don't know if that aspect of my life will ever be okay until the day comes when I can sit down and genuinely talk with James again.  I wish I knew if for real I could "bring" that day to me by asking for it enough, focusing, daydreaming, loving James enough on the inside that one day he could just pop into my life again like he would before. 

Make sure to live your life to the fullest, do what makes you happy, but be loving in your thoughts to your twin flame or soulmate at the same time.  I was put into a totally unique situation where I was able to love again because I was able to be honest with the man.  I was able to tell Dave about James, very honestly.  I don't think I could have ever been involved in another romantic relationship while still loving James and HOPING that one day I can meet him again and having to hide that.  I would have felt like I was totally lying.  I would have had to be ready to totally "let go" and fully move on, and I couldn't do that.  So in my case I was able to be honest and it worked out.  Weird, I know.  So I love them both, one physically in my life, one not.

I still get emails from blog readers.  Some are bitter, some fall into ego, some blame their twins, some tell me not to miss James, etc. etc.  We all have to deal with this in our own ways.  I think, though, the best choice for any of us is to try and love through it, no matter what. 

XXOO