What If?

I heard this song the other day and was like, "Wow there's my life!" 

I only speak about James with one person, my friend Lori who also has a twin soul.  She and I met like 5 years ago online and still keep in touch.  She is a good friend to me, and it keeps me sane.

I keep getting a telemarketer call.  I answer (it comes up as different numbers) and a man's voice says, "Hi!  This is James..."  *sigh* 

Yes.  Yes I still love him.  Yes I still think of him.  Some of you may wonder, "Why doesn't she just contact him?"  I have.  From time to time I'll text him.  What most people don't understand is just because we reach out to a twin soul doesn't mean we will get a response.  It KILLS most people when this happens; we feel rejected.  We feel dismissed.  But in reality is has to do with energy, intention, etc.  I finally got used to it and I no longer feel like I am being ignored.  I realized a few years ago that if my energy is not inviting a response (EVEN if my words are invited a response) then my energy will trump my words and I won't hear anything.  In the past only when my energy was aligned would I hear from him.  Most people refuse to accept this and continue to get butt hurt when they don't get a near instant reply from their twins.

As always my life is super blessed.  I have loads to be thankful for.  I live a truly magical life.  As long as I keep my energy positive and focus on what I love then goodness comes to me.  I write out my affirmations if not daily then routinely.  It's good to have an "energy routine."  I know this and I try to follow it.  I avoid anything that will instill negativity in me.  This means I avoid anything to do with politics.  Discussing tRump can ignite anger in me in a heartbeat so I refuse to talk about the man.  Stealing women's rights to bodily autonomy away is also a topic that enrages me, and since there is not much about it I can do on a public level (unless there was a protest I could attend which I would) I avoid discussing the topic because the energy it brews inside of me isn't good. 

My point is- I really try hard to "protect" my energy, to keep it clean and upbeat and focused on goodness.  This accelerates my manifestation of "good stuff."  Then things I desire come to me quickly.  It is like magic, and I appreciate it and I also am aware of it.  I attempt to be careful of what I want because it will come to me.  I wanted a luxury car and got a beautiful (affordable) Cadillac right away.  I wanted to reorganize my finances and I got refinanced at a 3.8% home loan.  I'm not bragging but I AM thankful.  Work flows smoothly.  Everything always works out for me.  I am super blessed.  And for this reason I am watchful of my energy.  Those of you who have twin souls please be aware of this.  We are ALL powerful manifestors.

I still believe in my heart that one day I am going to hear from James again.  I will leave the deets up to the universe.  I'll just throw that loving intention out there and wait, hopefully, for the day when it happens.  I do have a boyfriend who loves me dearly.  But he knows how I feel.  At least I've been honest.  I can't help the fact that I still love James, and that I miss him, and I still want to talk to him or know him again.  I remember the wonderful time I spent with James.  And it's hard for me to explain but the connection I had with James was unlike any other, and that refuses to leave me.  Knowing him was SO exciting and fun, exhilarating.  He was exactly what I asked for, everything I ever wanted in a man.  Seriously.  I could kiss him for hours and be content.  And we would talk for hours and never get tired of talking.  We looked forward to talking to each other. 

What can I say?  I miss my friend.

Yes, we can love again.  I did.  I do love my boyfriend; he's sweet and kind and we are good together.  But I can only take each day at a time, and I may only be able to do that for... for however long we are together.  Maybe that sounds bad to some but I can't bring myself to commit to more.  And he knew that when he met me.  And I cannot help how I feel.  I love them both. 

I am forced to "live for today."  Seriously.  I ENJOY each day as it comes, and I ENJOY what and who I have in my life right now.  I am happy to be in a sweet relationship with someone who loves me so much.  As I've said here before I know I help David heal from the tragic loss of his wife.  I know that my time with Dave has been "for a reason" and... healing for me as well.  I was so so so trying.  I was such a militant little twin soul (as some of you know from this blog.)  I honestly did try so hard, and I stayed very VERY single for four years.  Partially because I thought I "was supposed to" and partially because I could not stomach being with any other man after sharing such a sweet, wonderful, dear, real, genuine and pure love with James.  Dave just kind of happened when I had no intention of sharing my heart with anyone new.  But he needed me, and maybe I needed him.  We get along perfectly fine, not even one argument in almost two years.  We are buddies as well as romantic partners.

But it is still not the same was I felt with James, and damn sometimes that aches.  But instead of fussing over what I don't have I enjoy what I do have.  And I still have my wishes, my heart's longing.  I still love James dearly and I still want to know him again.  So I do both.  I live to enjoy my life to the fullest every day.  I love strongly those dear people I have in my life.  I count my blessings and remember to be thankful for those blessings.  And I also wish to see James again and talk with him and know him.  I keep all of those energies loving and kind and pure in intention. 

I can't deny my heart or ignore how I feel.  I could try blocking it out or forgetting or letting go but I don't think any of that would work for me.  This entire experience has been too life-changing for me.  It had too much of an impact on me.  I went through so much with James and I'll never be content with it being so "open-ended."  Yes I do share love with someone who is here in my life but something tells me that I am still meant to actively love James in my heart.  And that's okay.

Lastly one thing I want to stress to anyone out there who really feels they have a twin soul/twin flame: we are all powerful manifestors.  Even without your twin in your life you are capable of creating and/or attracting to you TONS of wonderful experiences, things and people.  Everything I want comes to me swiftly and easily (because I have not blocked it with resistance.)  The *only* thing I've wanted that has not happened is contact from James, and I chalk that up to the LOADS of resistance I had.  When I wanted a luxury car I had no debilitating fear or doubt about it so it arrived quickly.  Keep this is mind with your own energy. 

TTFN

Jen