My Sweetest Friend

I heard the song "Come to Me" again yesterday.  I don't know if it was just an accident or if I was meant to hear it.  It will always remind me of James, always.  Every part of that song speaks to me.  But I think the part that gets me most is:

Come to me my sweetest friend.  Can you feel my heart again?

"My sweetest friend."  I don't think I am eloquent enough to explain how those words make me feel.  James was my friend.  Yes he was my boyfriend for a short time, and my lover for an even shorter time but he was my FRIEND.  I MISS my friend!  I miss my friend so much!  So when I hear that song, those words, it makes my heart melt.

My sweetest friend.  I miss my sweetest friend.  Yes it's been a while.  I know that.  But when you love someone I guess that love lasts forever.  I love hard.  Always have.  And apparently my heart has the capacity to love more than one person at a time.  Because I will always love James, no matter what.

Yeah I know this blog must sound like the ramblings of a really weird woman.  I get it.  I have a boyfriend but MAN at least when I go to sleep at night I know I've been honest and true to my heart.  I was able to express my love for James this whole time, and maybe that might not seem like a lot to anyone else but it is huge for me, to be able to be honest about my love.  I still love him.  And I will always wish that I could see him, talk with him and know him again.

I wish I could hug James again.

Maybe it is the holidays.  I don't know.  I just miss him.  I wish I could see his face.  His beautiful face and gorgeous blue eyes and sweet smile.  I remember his touch.  How when he would lean into kiss me he would place his hand on the side of my face and lean my face into his kiss with a smile.  I can't help it.  I remember, and I miss him.

I've never enjoyed kissing anyone like I enjoyed kissing him.  I have learned that I can love again but my heart will never love like I loved James. 

Twin Soul?  I don't know.  I can't label it.  All I know is no one else has been my full mirror like James, and yeah he showed me a lot of myself that I didn't want to see but I needed to and I do my best to shift around.  But you know what aches?  On a purely human level?  When we met we had both been with people who were not our perfect match.  He'd been hurt a bit too.  And he told me when he met me he'd finally found the woman he had been hoping and wishing for.  We were a perfect fit.  We talked for hours.  We could sit in a room talking, hugging, kissing for hours needing nothing but each other.  No TV.  No cell phones.  Nothing but each other.  We text, called and emailed all the time and never got tired of hearing from each other.  I KNOW that man loved hearing for me.  That is what makes it, to this day, unbelievable.  I KNOW James enjoyed talking with me and knowing me.  I KNOW he loved me.  I know it.  Maybe I had a hard time believing it back then but looking back, I know he loved me dearly.  He thought I was wonderful.  He just really really loved me.  I know that.  Time has passed but I feel like... he must think of me.  Because what we shared was perfection and it never really ended.

I must be fucking stubborn to a fault.  Believe me many days I consider... maybe it's time.  But I just can't.  I can't "let go."  I NEED truth.  I need to speak with James again.  I will finally feel settled when I speak with him and he sounds like the sweet kind thoughtful caring gentle loving peaceful friendly funny generous considerate respectful dear dear man I met, knew and fell in love with.  I swear if I could hear from him, speak with him, and experience that man again- I might be okay.  I need to have that reflection.

If he was my reflection then, then when I had so much shit inside of me that needed to be cleared, why can't he be my reflection now?  I don't want someone else to be my reflection NOW.   James was the one to show me all of THAT, and I have worked so fucking hard to clear myself of the muck and the mud and the darkness and the anger.  I have tried to be SO conscious.  I do my very best to ignore anything negative or low and focus only on the positive, on my blessings, on being loving and kind.  I wish James could pop back into my life and be a reflection of who I am now.

I believe my current boyfriend is my reflection.  That is why he thinks I am so sweet.  But I want James to come back to me and be able to show me that too.  He was my mirror then and I want him to do the same now, now when I am more clear and happy and sound and peaceful and grateful. 

I want my friend back.  Dear God please I want my friend back in my life.  My loving endearing kind gentle wonderful adorable friend.

Come to my my sweetest friend.  I think of you all the time.  I hope you are well and I miss you.

Jennifer

I Should Have Hugged You

Man I still think about James.  Not as often, and it doesn't really hurt like it used to.  Some of that is because my life is super happy right now.  I am fulfilled.  I have a great family, wonderful friends, my son is such a darling, my career is amazing, I'm sewing and drawing and making wonderful stuff and I have a very sweet loving kind boyfriend in my life.  So my life is full, and my mind is full.  I don't think about James as much as I used to.

Then sometimes I hear a song or see something like this and my heart melts. I think back to the last time I saw him when he came to see me.  And it was SO weird, so unreal, so shocking and all of that- I was taken off guard.  I wish I could go back and do it over again.  There are things I would change.  I would have just let him embrace me and not said a word.  Kissed him and owned it.  Kissed him and told God inside that see I knew he's loved me all along and couldn't wait to kiss me again.  I could FEEL his longing for me.  It was there.  And it wasn't a sexual longing but instead a longing to be near me, to hold me again.

If I could do it over I would just sit there and kiss him and hug him, no worries, no doubts, no fears.

And before he left that night I wish I would have hugged him tighter and harder.  I had no idea it was going to be the last time I would see his face in... three years now?  I miss his face.  No matter how good life is, how much love I have in my life, I still miss James' beautiful face. 

I remember he sent me a message once, after being gone for a long time, and he told me he wished he could come back and be "intimate" with me again.  I love that choice of word, intimate.  It's so special, soft and caring.  A cuddle is intimate.  I soft gentle late-night conversation is intimate.  Kissing is intimate.  Foreheads together smiling at each other is intimate. 

Intimate.

Hugging is intimate.

I wish I would have hugged you longer the last time I saw you.

I wish I could hug you again.

I miss your sweet kind smile.

Jen